Hear my story and tell me what you think...

[PeterJQ]

I'll preface this by saying that this is going to be a very, very long and detailed post. If you manage to stick it out and read all of it, thank you for listening and I hope to get some feedback...This story might also seem kind of pathetic and embarrassing to some, or even most, but at this point I don't really care. I've nothing left, and hold no shame...

 

A bit about myself: I'm 26 years old. In my opinion I'm a pretty good looking dude. I'm cynical, however. Pessimistic. Just all around negative most of the time when it comes to people and things in general. I have problems with commitment and sharing myself. I've had issues with depression (it's mainly a motivation issue. I don't have much drive or ambition, I'm lazy most of the time). I don't believe in self-harm or anything, though. I guess I'm mainly just neutral most of the time...apathetic...indifferent. I don't like most stereotypical social scenes like parties and bars and whatnot. I'd simply always preferred hanging out with my core group of friends. I'm a homebody. On the other hand, I do have a good sense of humor, I like to think of myself as a gentle and kind person with no anger issues, humble, non-confrontational, and generally sympathetic. In summation, mostly a good person with just a horrible mindset about life and the world. As far as interests, I'm a gaming nerd, I am obsessed with metal (music), football, huge aviation buff, and medieval ****.

 

Before this girl I'm about to talk about came along, I had never been in a relationship before. I don't know why, just never cared. Was never outgoing, very picky and shallow (unfortunately, I guess it goes along with my pessimism and general negative view on the populace), troubles with commitment and sharing myself, had ZERO game, and I just never found the right person I wanted to spend my time with. Sure, there were girls I had interest in, mainly physically, but once I had them, I either found out I didn't much care for their personalities or I just kind of got cold feet. Anyone who came into my life or has become someone I'm close to I picked very carefully. And when I do, I stick by them for as long as they'll have me.

 

I was 21 and working at Blockbuster. This girl and her dad comes into the store. She's gorgeous (to me). Kinda has that scene girl look going on (I don't know why but I guess I like that). She seemed rather developed, so I figured she had to be 18 or so. As they were ringing up what they were getting, I caught her last name and, being the creepy person with no game that I am, used it to look her up on Facebook (she totally knew what I was doing even though I tried to play it off cool). Initiated conversation because, why not, and she bit. We talked for about a week, I think, before I found out her age. She was 15.....ugh...So I straight up told her we probably shouldn't talk anymore. She was like, "no, no, it's ok there's no reason we can't just talk." So we did. This was early in 2010. She also had a boyfriend at this time, so, whatever.

 

I found out that this girl was very, very smart. She was sheltered, though; homeschooled. She also seemingly only had a few friends. At the time she wasn't much into anything, didn't really have any hobbies besides bike riding with her family, although she was nerdy, just like me. We hit it off really well. I felt very comfortable talking to her and it seemed we had a lot in common as far as views and overall interests. Over the next 6 months or so, I proceeded to show her everything. I got her into gaming (which is her main hobby now, it started with World of Warcraft), the music I listen to (we, to this day, have the same favorite band which we drove five hours away last year for her birthday to see live) among other things. We seemed to be twins. She was even going through a very bad depression-like phase where she was constantly cutting herself. She was in a darkness that I helped lift her out of. In fact, she admitted later on that if I had never come along she thinks she may have killed herself. Keep in mind that due to our age gap of 7 years, this was all online.

 

By September of that year, I realized that I had developed feelings for this girl...Never before had I had a connection with a girl anywhere near like this, and it was only online. From 7-8 months of talking as friends, she seemed to have and be everything I wanted. I knew enough about relationships from what I'd seen, though, to know that the age gap was a serious problem...not to mention the boyfriend...But I could not pass this opportunity up. I'd reached a conundrum. But towards the end of October, after avoiding her for about a week to sort out my thoughts, I decided to just tell her. I came out with it, and she reciprocated. She ended up leaving her boyfriend shortly after that in order to reserve herself for me for the day we could be together (unfortunately, it was kind of a red flag that I didn't pay any heed to as she was talking to me in a romantic way for a little while before she left him).

 

So for the next 4 months we talked as an "unofficial" couple online. Now, as I said before, she had a small group of friends. There was a dude in there, who I knew she was close with, but didn't think much of it. I'm probably a little too trusting as a person, I don't know. But everything continued smoothly until Late in January of 2011. One day, out of the blue, she messaged me saying she was done and had to be with this guy instead. He's a closer age to her (he was 18) and her parents ok'd her to be with him. She told me she was scared that things just couldn't work out with me and her. And so that was it. Not five minutes later she's in a relationship with him on Facebook. Cool.

 

Another red flag. Normally, I probably would have been like "yeah, this girl's just two faced and a liar." But because of her age, I simply chalked it up as a young girl who doesn't know what she wants that made a mistake.

 

I was shattered. Like I said before, I'm very picky and particular, and no one else had ever come along anywhere close to her in my 22 years of existence. I was in a pretty nasty spot for a couple of months...but once I realized after talking to her that she wasn't coming back, I forced myself to move on.

 

We had used MSN Messenger when we talked, and since she was gone, I no longer had any use for it, so I never logged on. Lo and behold, though, I randomly decide to sign onto it in like September of that year, like 9 months later, and there are messages from her from a month before in August. She told me things didn't work out with him, that he treated her badly, that she was wrong and I was right; essentially begging and pleading and trying to crawl back. My best buddy told me not to take her back. I couldn't help it, I couldn't say no, I couldn't pass up the opportunity. I believed her. So I took her back. She was 16 at this point, and I was 23.

 

We took things slowly at this point, cautiously. Over the course of the next few months, though, we were back on track and were able to start hanging out (with the help of a couple of lies to her parents) and went on a few dates. By the time she turned 17 in the middle of 2012 we were officially a couple and together regularly, mostly at my place. More info: I live at home with my family at this point and was a server at a restaurant while waiting on being able to start my career in air traffic control (which never happened, unfortunately).

 

Once this girl latched onto me, I became her world. She worshiped me - idolized me. Everything I loved to do she grew to love as well. She became like my protege. Everything continued on as it was for another year. During this year, she still wasn't 18, and her parents were rather strict about what she could do, so she had a curfew and couldn't stay over at my place. This girl was very depressed and would cry herself to sleep at night because she couldn't be with me. She would count down the months until she turned 18 and could do whatever.

 

This was probably a mistake as well, but once she turned 18, she stayed over every night. I couldn't say no to her. I didn't want her to be sad. So she unofficially just kinda moved in in that way. That was in May of 2013, last year...and once that happened, I was really able to fully see the negative aspects of this girl. She was very socially awkward, and no longer had any friends since once we started dating, she just pushed everyone else away (although she told me they abandoned her). She refused to make any new friends, despite my efforts and the fact that she said she did want them. But she really only wanted me. She was extremely needy, emotionally and physically insecure (even though she was gorgeous....). She was scared to death of abandonment and displeasing. She was a coward who, even though I was extremely gentle and calm with her (never raised my voice to her even, let alone really argued ever) hated confrontation and wouldn't speak up most of the time. She was very pushy with attention, especially with sex (she was a total nympho), to the point to where it felt like it was no longer a spontaneous action of love, but a requirement from me. If I didn't I would feel guilty and I, at a point, no longer really had much sexual interest in her. She gave me no space to really want her. While we only did it maybe once a day to once every few days, she would've wanted it like multiple times a day. But she never really said anything anyway. Never told me what she really wanted, really needed out of the relationship.

 

So, needless to say, she was kind of smothering, though she tried not to be. And although it was almost too much sometimes, she DID give the relationship 110%. But she wanted to be smothered back by me. But I was always a more independent person for the most part and fairly laid back. However, I did push my friends and family away to give her what I could. I was always around, only went out with friends maybe once a week or so. But I needed my alone time. I wanted to do things myself. And we did have our alone time, but any time I chose to do something that didn't involve her, she considered it "ignoring her." For instance, if I wanted to watch football on a given Sunday, or play a single player video game (we usually played together a lot) it was me choosing it over her...Despite the way she was, though, and despite the fact that it was kind of irritating and that it grated on me, I still loved her...I felt the pros of having her far outweighed the cons, however big they were. I chose this girl for a reason. I could trust her 100% and we had so much in common.

 

And with all of her negative qualities and her fears and insecurities, at the end of the day, she would always act like everything was 100% ok and that she was happy just so long as she had me, even though it came to a point that she wasn't. She would let me do whatever I wanted, even if I asked her what she wanted. She made herself a doormat. It was my first real serious relationship, and I had no real experience or guidance. As far as I was concerned, everything was fine.

 

I guess it really started hitting home with her around earlier this year...By this time we had been living with each other for nearly a year, and we had kind of settled into a routine. She made me extremely complacent with her ways. I got very lazy with the relationship (I was already pretty lazy in general). My feelings for her didn't change, but I stopped going out of my way and doing special things, as I thought there was no way this girl would ever leave me because of her extreme codependency issues, among other things. If there was ever a problem, she usually just kept it to herself. The few times she brought up something that was wrong in her eyes, it was only subtly. It never had a sense of urgency, or that it was a big deal, like relationship-ending ****. And if we ever had a tiff, maybe a small argument or disagreement, even if I was at fault, she would be the one to apologize. Like, a lot. An unnecessary amount. I had to tell her everything was okay and to stop apologizing as it was unnecessary.

 

I almost had a paternal kind of love towards this girl, as well as loving her as a boyfriend. The age difference, her emotional and psychological weakness...the fact that she was a culmination of everything I'd shown her and gotten her into. Because of this I didn't really take her seriously on a lot of things. I didn't listen to her when she had input on a big decision or something. If she alluded to something she wanted, perhaps something like a back massage, I just put it off, thinking it wasn't a big deal...I just simply took the reigns like she always let me/made me do...

 

Basically, because of her ways and how she is, I didn't notice what was going on underneath...She made me believe that everything would always be ok and that we'd be together forever. She complimented me all the time, always told me how amazing I was and that I was the perfect person for her. All the way up until the very last day. Back in April she even asked me, "are we going to get married someday?" What the hell am I supposed to think when someone acts like that? I had no idea that this girl was actually losing feelings for me. She had begun to feel like she was just kind of there. She told me later on that she felt like I was pushing her away...and I guess I kind of was. But I didn't see it. I was taking this girl for granted. She didn't like living with my family, didn't care for them. She wanted me to get a better job and for us to move out, but it never seemed like it was a huge thing at the time. I always just pushed it back...it would happen eventually.

 

So anyway...In July we had hit kind of a rough patch (if you could even call it that), had some talks here and there about the future. There had always been one single fear I had about her...and that was the age. This girl was VERY different from the average girl, in many aspects. I thought that because of that, the age didn't matter as much. But it was always there, in the back of my mind...She might change someday, or outgrow me. She mentioned during the times recently that I was doing a lot of stuff by myself (I'd say mainly around May-July) that she'd been depressed because of it. On August 15th there was a wedding for my cousin who I barely know. It was up in Pennsylvania, while we live in Florida. My mom really wanted us to go, but neither of us did. My girlfriend bitched about it constantly since the day we heard about it. Even though I didn't want to go, mainly because it was a 12 hour drive, I still was going to, for the family.

 

She was on the fence the whole time, saying she would go so she could be with me, then would say she isn't going simply because she really didn't want to. It was an odd thing to hear almost to me because since she moved in, there was never a day we didn't end up together that night in the same bed...she had basically been attached at my hip for the entire relationship.

 

But the day came, and she ultimately didn't go. She agreed to stay behind and be at her house (which is only like 5 minutes away from mine) and come check on stuff periodically while we were away. I could tell before I left that things were a little off, but nothing we couldn't overcome. We were only gone for three days. Went up there on a Friday, wedding was on Saturday, came home Sunday. Now...this girl, normally, as part of her super neediness, would text me constantly when we weren't together at any point. I was never a big texter. Some days I would wake up in the morning to like ten texts from her, mostly just saying what she was doing throughout the day (she'd go to visit her parents during the day if I had work and she didn't, essentially at any point where I was predisposed or we couldn't be together at the time). But on Saturday, while at the wedding reception, I noticed her texting was very distant. I knew right then and there that something was wrong. After a little while I decided to call her. I could sense she was a little sad, so after asking her what was wrong several times, she came out with it.

 

"I just feel like we're going separate ways." She told me it was hard to motivate me to ever do anything, that I was always irritated with her, that things didn't feel the same anymore. This girl always said how much she loved our lazy days and just playing computer games with me, or cuddling and watching tv shows. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The entire time I always thought our relationship was immortal, that there wasn't a problem that was irreparable. After all, I never cheated on her, was always calm and gentle, never physically or verbally abused her. So I begged her for a second chance to get things on track. After a little while, she seemingly reluctantly agreed, but she said she couldn't live at my house anymore.

 

Needless to say, the rest of that night and for the drive home the next day, I was scared ****less of something I never imagined happening. Yes, this girl was kind of high maintenance and hard to deal with sometimes, but I loved her all the same. She was perfect for me otherwise. But up until I got home, her texts became more distant, I knew I was probably losing her.

 

Once I got home, I walk in to see that all of her stuff is gone. Everything. She moved out back to her house under my nose without even telling me; without ever saying there was a serious problem or that anything was really amiss. So I raced over to her house since she agreed to hang out that night, and when she came out onto her driveway, i just lost it. Bawled in her arms for a good 10-15 minutes just saying "I didn't realize, I had no idea. I'm sorry" just over and over again. It was really quite pathetic. But, I felt then as I do now that this was the wakeup call that I needed...only it came too late. It invigorated me to do everything I was ignorant to before. All of the problems that never came to light until now.

 

We hung out that night like we normally did...albeit there was an aura of sadness. She told me the things I said earlier, about me pushing her away, feeling like she was just there, that she just didn't know if she could ever get it all back or feel the same way again and that I seemed no longer enthused to be around her...I didn't know what to say except to ask her for a second chance. She said she didn't know. But after a few hours of cuddling, talking, just being together, I went home. Before I left, while in her driveway, I told her that this just didn't feel right going home without her. That's when she just lost it...and then I left.

 

The next day she got her wisdom teeth pulled, and agreed to let me come take care of her over the next few days. So from Tuesday to Thursday I came over every day and just sat with her while she was doped up on pain meds and mostly sleeping. And even then I could tell the distance was growing...On Friday I woke up and texted her simply asking if I could come over and make love to her, and she said she'd like that. So we did, and that was the last time ever. We both had work that day, and I asked her if later she wanted to continue playing this video game we had been playing together for the past month, to which she didn't really say yes or no to.

 

Now...when I said before that she had no friends, I guess that really only counts towards friends in real life. She does have a couple of friends online (two dudes, mainly) that she'd play certain games with (only if she couldn't with me. If I was available she'd drop them immediately to do stuff with me). She'd known them for a long time, and I was glad she had them, as she needed any friends she could get, in whatever format. So later that day I asked her again if she wanted to play, but said if not it's ok. She responded saying she had plans to play with them instead (also a shock, never put anyone before me). I said ok, that's fine. Then she replied with her first spiteful response of many to come saying "Now you know what it's like to have the one you love choose their friends over you." It was a direct jab at me in reference to me just hanging out with other people sometimes...had nothing to do with me ever choosing them over her, I never bailed on her. I just had plans with friends sometimes.

 

Nothing really happened on Saturday that I recall, except her distance continuing to grow. Then on Sunday it hit its peak, and 15 minutes before my shift at work, I couldn't take it anymore so I called her. She told me it's time for us to go separate ways, that she needed some space and time to figure herself out and what she wants, etc etc...I told her I couldn't believe it, that I felt like this was the last time I'd hear her voice. She said it wasn't, that we showed each other so much, and that who knows what the future holds. She said we shouldn't see each other or talk over the phone, but we could text. Yeah...Hindsight is 20/20 at this point. Only now did I realize that, despite her flaws, I took for granted (what I think) the best thing to come into my life. And now I've lost her.

 

That same day, August 24th, she deleted her Facebook and all other social networks and just went off the grid. Really became reclusive as she said she was going to do. I mentioned it to her and she said she just wanted to be alone, didn't want people bugging her and wanted to only be in touch with a certain few.

 

(I'm going to preface this entire post-breakup era by saying yes, I did not handle it well AT ALL. Probably did everything wrong, except I never got angry or did anything mean, but in the end, with how this girl is, I don't think it would have mattered no matter what I did). After that, I kinda just went into panic/survival mode. I couldn't lose this girl forever. I couldn't fathom it. At first I tried my very best to respect her space and give her the time she needed...but she completely 180'd and I couldn't take it. She went from this girl who made me her entire world, to within a period of a week and a half, was barely saying anything at all despite saying she wanted to keep texting. So until about September 5th, I went from a couple days at one point of just idle chit chat here and there to me just full blown begging and pleading, professing my love to her blah blah blah. Of course, to those things she didn't respond, and if she did she'd simply say "I don't know what to say" or "why couldn't you say these things back then?" Although she was, I was never a very outwardly emotional person during the relationship. Didn't feel like I had to be, that she knew how I felt and that I'd stand by her forever.

 

She said that when I would start saying those things, bringing up things about us, that it was just pushing her away. Little did I know at the time, that she had been trying to distance me from her anyway. And up until this point, I had figured her to be the most innocent, pure, and genuine person I'd ever met. I had no idea of what kind of person she really was/could be.

 

On September 5th, after a couple of weeks of barely giving me anything at all, she texts me out of nowhere saying "hey." At this point I'm a bit hurt by the way she's been handling this and so I don't respond at all at first. So she says it again, "heyyy." So I bite and ask her "what?" and she responds with "what're you up to? How are you? What time do you work today?" so I tell her I'm doing fantastic, sarcastically. Then I ask her why she cares all of a sudden when she's been so distant and has had no problem not talking to me or responding to me before. She says "maybe because I miss you." I tell her I miss her too, and that she knows how I feel in all of this. She says yes she does know. And so I ask her how she feels about it. She says she just doesn't know. So I reply "Well, either you still love me and want to give us a second chance in a better and more understand situation now that everything's been laid on the table, or you don't. The ball is in your court." After about an hour of no response, she says "Get a different job. Move out. Show me you can do what you say you can do instead of just talking about it and then losing motivation like you have so often. Then I'll make my decision. The ball is in YOUR court."

 

Talk about false hope right there. I actually get kind of excited and start getting things lined up right away. As I said before, I'm at the point where I now realize all of the things I should've done but wasn't aware of during the relationship and would do anything to make things right that I simply didn't know were wrong before.

 

After those texts, though, she goes right back to being cold, like really cold. So a couple days later, on the 7th, a Sunday, one week before my birthday, I message her asking if we could just drop this charade and talk about this, as we hadn't been able to at all since she left. She claimed there was no charade and that she simply didn't have much to talk about. So I went back into the same mode I'd been in, and she asked me to stop. Said she couldn't do this, as it caused her too much pain, that she would talk when she was ready, etc etc. So after a few last words, I agreed to it and promised I wouldn't do it anymore. We continued to have friendly conversation for a little bit, and she mentioned to me, out of nowhere, that she was having family come into town next weekend. I told her that was cool, and that my birthday was next weekend...All she says to that is "I know. What are you guys doing for it?" Clearly she didn't care and knew she'd have no part in it...

 

So over the next four days I manage to keep my cool. We have idle chit chat here and there, whatever. Until Thursday rolls around. Now, she had just started school before she left me and had also become a server at the restaurant she works at (she'd been a hostess since January) so I know her school schedule and mostly her work schedule. I got off work around 10:30 and texted her telling her about the shift, then proceeded to go up to a bar with co workers to watch the Thursday night NFL game. After getting no response, I text her again around 11, saying that I hope her shift is going well with all the football going on (she works at a sports bar and grill). No response. Around 11:30 I ask her "are you really still at work?" She never works that late. Not until 12:45 AM do I get a response simply saying "I didn't work :P" Wow. Okay. I respond with a couple texts asking if everything's alright and get nothing back.

 

Early the next morning I get a response from her saying her family got into town late last night and she was up with them for a while then proceeded to pass out. Okay, so I tell her no problem and that I was just making sure all was well. I was already suspicious at this point, as she always hated her extended family. She really hated a lot of people actually that weren't me (kinda like how I am).

 

So I worked later that night (Friday), and I imagined she did too, as she only had school Mon-Thurs. I got off work fairly early, around 8:45, and once again texted her telling her I was off and that the shift went well. No response. Her work is on the way home from where I work, so I decided to stop by and check the parking lot to see if she's working. Her car is not there. Okay. So now I'm starting to panic even more about things and begin to enter creepy ex-boyfriend mode. I got home, got on my bike and rode over to her house. On the way I texted her asking what was up. She told me "Not much, just finished dinner and am hanging out with the family." So I arrive at her house, her car is not there, there's no extra cars from any extended family, and all the lights are off in the house.

 

I start to freak the **** out. This is where **** starts getting crazy to me. Things were happening I NEVER thought this girl could possibly do. I know at this point we're no longer together, but she had such a guilty conscience, and hated to hurt other people (especially me). I couldn't imagine what she could be doing. She hates other people, she's been home every day she's not at school or work, she hates her co workers, hates going out to parties (unless she was with me) or other social gatherings. Nothing made sense.

 

So I called up my best friend. She came over around 11. While I waited for her I sent my ex a couple more texts asking if things were okay since she wasn't responding. She says "I'm just hanging out with my family. You know how it is. There's loads of times you never responded to me. Relaxxxx." Another jab at me for something I never did intentionally to hurt her. And another lie from her.

 

Friend gets to my house, we proceed to go to a bar to get wasted (ironically, her ex had just left her too so we were able to commiserate). We sit there until 12:45 AM trying to decide what I should do next...Either I can A) just let it go and not talk to her or B) Blow her phone the **** up and try and find some answers. So, of course, I go with B. Called her several times, left a voicemail, no answer. Sent a text asking what in the world was going on (without letting her know I knew she was lying. I didn't want to call her out if I didn't have to). Nothing...

 

Next morning comes, I'm still in super panic mode and so I keep texting her with the same old texts I was sending before. None of them mean or spiteful. Just trying to seek the truth...No response ultimately, so I send her a text saying "I'm getting a shower, then going up to Starbucks. If you care at all about us or what happens, you'll meet me there." I get a response, finally. "Wow. I just woke up. This is nuts. I can't go to Starbucks today, I'm sorry." That's all I heard from her the rest of the day. Also, this is Saturday, the 13th. My birthday was the next day....I even had this day requested off of work so I could take HER to Disney for MY birthday...

 

At this point I'm just trying to figure out who the guy is...No option made sense because of the type of person she is...Until I thought, maybe it's one of those close buddies she has online. One of them lives all the way up in New York and the other lives in North Carolina...It makes sense if one of them came down for the weekend. So after a few hours of sulking...I can't stomach it anymore, and I confront her via text. I tell her I know she doesn't have family in town, and that I don't care. I just want to know what's going on. I send her many texts throughout this night. Many long and pathetic texts. Absolutely pouring my heart out. No response, of course. Midnight rolls around, it's my birthday. Still nothing, I try to call her, many times. Nothing. At this point I'm simply just asking her to let me go, tell me she's fully done and that there's no hope and to just cut the string...still nothing. So I take some klonopin so that I can sleep and that was that for the night...

 

Needless to say, this birthday was the worst I'd ever had. While waiting to go out to dinner with my family, I continue to send her texts. I said everything under the sun by this point. Eventually I asked her to just say something...anything...and the response I finally got out of her was "Happy birthday :P" God damn...and that's all I heard from her. She had clearly turned into a spiteful demon since she left. I had no idea anything was wrong, like I said, but apparently a lot was to her. And so she was taking it out on me at this point, I guess. After a couple more tries at talking to her she didn't respond again, and so I told her I'd just leave her alone...

 

For a couple days I managed to not say anything. But then I couldn't take it anymore and told her so. Just asked for answers. Give me closure, anything. She finally responds with an actual text while I'm at work. "I'm sorry, but I can't be what you want me to be anymore. I'm not angry, and I want to see you succeed, but I can't be what you want me to be anymore." Damn. So I ask her why?? I never received an explanation for anything. She tells me we aren't right for each other anymore (which is total bs. Aside from me being more independent and her needing super attention, we had all the same things in common), that things would never be the same, that I wasn't able to respect her throughout all this (bull****) and if we had managed to salvage it, we'd always have "this" hanging over us...that it's just over. Then she proceeded to admit that one of those close online buddies (the one that lives in NC) was indeed visiting over that weekend. She said he was only visiting, that it had nothing to do with anything really, and that she didn't cheat on me or leave me for someone else. I mean, I really had no choice but to believe her (and I do still to this day) because she had no real friends except for these guys. No one to fall back on or to be there for her. So whatever...She gave me forced closure, and that was it.

 

The next day I confronted her a little more about this dude and he respect for me, so I texted her saying she was the one who didn't respect me by moving out of my house without even a word, by lying about family coming into town when it was the next guy lined up after me, and essentially leading me on. She replied very adamantly that this guy was not the next guy lined up and that he was only a friend visiting, nothing more. Okay. She concluded by saying "maybe we can talk in the future, but you've driven me away and I need my space now more than ever." That day I noticed on Facebook through one single mutual friend that she had created a new, private account. One that only had her first name and a random profile picture that wasn't her....hmm....ok.

 

So I didn't hear from her for about a week and a half after that. The place that she works at happens to be like my main place to go with friends to get some food and drink. I also am the one who got her to get a job there...(as I said, my mark is ALL over her and everything she does). But out of respect for her I'd been avoiding the place for the most part, only going on days I know she doesn't work. But one day around the 25th I went up there after work, thinking she wasn't working, and somehow didn't even see her car. I walk in, there she is coming out of the back and she sees me. Haven't seen her since before she broke up with me...I tell the host I probably shouldn't be there, and so I turned around and left and got into my car. I see her come out, apparently she was just leaving. She walks to her car, I can't resist so I drive over to where she's parked and I wave at her, to which she barely waves back, with a small yet uncaring smile and looks away and gets in her car. God that hurt...The last time before that that I saw her face she still had something for me in her eyes, now they were barren and sad, hurt, filled with pain...and so I left.

 

That set me back a little bit. I couldn't simply accept that this is how it's going. So a couple of days later, I decide to commit the biggest no-no there is. I'm going to show up at her work and try to confront her. On the way up to work I stop in, and I tell the host about it, and she goes and gets her, but she'll have none of it. I knew it was a mistake even as I was walking through those doors. So I left and went to work. Sent her a text apologizing and that I just had to find out for myself, I had to try and that I knew it was a mistake. She simply said "you need to leave me alone." She said she was livid and that we could no longer talk, that I burned that bridge etc. So I left it there.

 

Honestly especially by this point, I probably should have just left it all alone, deleted her from everything and moved on. But I didn't. I was too obsessed, too attached to her. I was so unbelievably depressed and alone during this whole time. I was still in shock at what was happening. I am STILL in shock to this day about everything that happened. I know I had gotten complacent during the relationship and everything, but I still thought this girl was the one. The best I could find, the one I could see myself with forever, the one that would NEVER leave.

 

Another couple weeks go by. It's like October 10th by now. My curiosity is pounding in my head, I can't help but wonder what she's up to, what's developing with this guy that visited (if anything) and so on. So I decide to talk to this mutual friend of ours on Facebook, and I just wanna ask him one question. What does her relationship status say? He responds saying, "It says 'In a relationship.'" My heart just stopped...I couldn't believe it. Six years of knowing this girl, 3 years of dating, 1 1/2 years of living together, and barely a month and a half after we split, she is with someone else. I knew who it was, of course. The guy that came down and visited. The guy she had known online for a long time, but only saw in person for the period of one weekend. Remember how I said she was codependent as ****? Yeah, it's that bad. This girl CANNOT be alone for long. She HAS to have someone to latch onto as she barely has any individuality or independence...I imagine she was correct in saying he was only visiting as a friend, but that he had his own agenda once he knew she was single. And so he swooped in.

 

Of course, I confronted her. Called her out on lying, about this guy, about how she acted during the breakup, leading me on, etc etc. She tells me they just got together, that I had been trying to steal away the few people she had (because I asked her friend that simple question) and to never speak to her again. I retaliated and she calmed down. We talked calmly about what was going on. Then she dropped a bomb shell on me...She planned to move to NC TO LIVE WITH THIS DUDE BY JANUARY. I didn't think beforehand that anything could get any worse. I told her it was insane. She said she thought in her gut it was the right choice. She admitted to being absolutely insane, but that she was indeed codependent as ****. She had to have someone, and he was the next option after me...

 

I was devastated...not even two months after everything had gone down...she is with someone new, who, while she has technically known them for a couple years, she's only been with in person for the period of a weekend...and plans to move to a different state to be with them. Who does that??? At the age of 19!

 

From this point on, if we were to talk, she would act like it was a privilege that I was talking to her...The roles had long since switched. I was the doormat now, with her on the pedestal, saying everything a desperate person in love would do when faced with losing that one other person...

 

I learned more about her after that than I ever knew while we were dating. Despite how she acted, she admitted to being two faced. If I were out with buddies on a given night or just wasn't doing something she wanted, she would bitch to other people behind my back about it, but when I came into the picture, she'd go back to acting like everything was amazing. She was extremely selfish. If she was with you, you were all that existed. You were the person she was sharing herself with, nothing more. That's why she didn't care about my family, or having any friends, and that's why she 180'd on me when she left me and acted like I was a total stranger not worth a second glance, or any respect.

 

She also finally agreed to talk about what went wrong with us...Some things that I've mentioned before. That I "ignored her for games," I didn't go out of my way to do anything for her anymore, that I didn't take her seriously or listen to her on a lot of occasions. She ultimately said that she left me for things I did, but that her silence allowed it...Instead of trying to fix what was wrong, she let it die because she was too much of a coward to assert herself in any way...Said even though I gave her a second chance long ago, she couldn't give me one, because she hurt too much, she didn't love me anymore, she didn't want to reconcile...

 

I had asked one too many questions about all of this unfortunately...I found out more about this dude than I wanted. I couldn't help it, though. I still cared about her, and I still do. I am still in love with this girl. But everything she told me about him made him sound just perfect for her. Similar life goals, he's a programmer with his own house and whatnot (she's going to school to also be a programmer), honorable, caring, similar mental issues as her (not sure if that's a good thing, though, honestly), also a loner without any friends, constantly wanted her etc etc etc. Just the perfect dude. I wish I could think of this as a rebound, I really do. On paper everyone says it just won't work out, it's too crazy. But she's crazy. He very well might be perfect and she'll make it work with how codependent she is. He's all she'll have so as long as he is under her spell just as I was, it'll work out. She visited him over this past weekend for like four days for their first time as a couple...holy **** was that a hard weekend for me to try not to think about...and she says he's coming down for Thanksgiving and she's going up for Christmas before she moves in in January...

 

I found out from a couple people who used to be part of her old group of friends that I never knew that she had lied to me about certain things. That she is the one who abandoned her friends, that the two dudes she was with before me did not in fact treat her badly, and that she left them in the same way pretty much that she left me...I'd like to think mine was a different case, because she was only with them for a period of months, while she stuck it out with me for three years...

 

So basically, I've been an absolute wreck these past two and a half months. I've cried on many occasions. As I said, I'm still in shock that this girl is gone. I don't know how to get over something like this...I'm 26 years old and have only just now gone through my first true heartbreak. I am completely overwhelmed by guilt...I thought I was doing a fine job when in reality I wasn't. I had who I thought was the perfect girl for me to spend the rest of my life with, one that I thought would never come, and once she did, would never leave. She fell in the lap of a man who had no idea what a relationship was all about. She brainwashed me into thinking things were a fairy tale situation with her - that no matter what she was happy. It's not fair in a way. I had no ****ing idea. I still wish she were in my arms, while she is already with a new man, and because of her crazy ability to repress emotions and move on quickly, probably doesn't even think about me now that she has a shiny new toy to latch onto...I showed her everything, brought her out of the darkness, made her into everything she is now. And once she bled me dry and things got a little stale and boring, she upped and left. I feel like this girl shouldn't have been the girl I learned these lessons in love and relationships...she should have been the final product down the road.

 

I know the way I talk makes it seem like everything that occurred in the relationship was fake on her end because of her two facedness...but I know she did love me. She just didn't come forward like she needed to when there was a problem...she let it fester, she simply wanted me to change on my own, with no compromise, no arguing, no confrontation. There was simply no necessary communication...

 

I know she isn't coming back. She's the type of girl who seemingly once she's done, she's done. I feel like she's going to move away and she will be happy with this guy. I can even see them getting married and being the perfect match...all the while I'm sitting here, alone, a deer in headlights. I can barely even look at another girl at this point. But that doesn't matter. I'm in the same spot I was before she came along, except ten times worse. Awkward, no ambition, no drive, no hope. No desire to move forward...She became my reason to live and keep going. I felt she was my purpose, that she came along in my life so that I could take care of her and be the one who wouldn't abandon her and never let her have to hurt again.

 

I find it impossible to let go...to simply accept that this person is gone forever...The concept of losing someone is still so foreign to me...Someone you shared everything with, who you were intimate with, knew everything about, cared for more than anything else, who you pushed to succeed in all aspects...that they're just...gone. Forever. I can most likely never see her or hear her voice again. What's worse, is that everything I love to do, she and I did together. I can't do anything I normally do, and haven't been able to for almost three months since she left without thinking of her, or without feeling extreme guilt...The only things I have been able to do are go out and drink every night, I picked up cigarettes and other bad habits...She may have gone about things in a ****ty way because she was hurt by things I didn't realize I was doing, but what I had I took for granted. What I had when I had it was all I needed in life...I can't imagine having to start over again. I thought I would never have to look for someone again, to have to worry about dating again, or getting to know someone new. She was my end game. As per my description of myself earlier, I don't do the dating scene. It is extremely hard for me to be able to find someone. I hold out such pointless hope that somehow, someday this girl will come back to me. But she won't. She's probably telling her new dude similar lies about me right now and how horrible I was to her that she told me about her previous exes...

 

Well, I guess I've said enough about all of this...I feel like this may very well be the longest post ever made on this website...So that's my very long, sad, pathetic, embarrassing story. I've talked with everyone I know about it already, and no one can make any sense of what happened...so I turn to you, people of the LS forums. Has anyone been in a similar position? What are your thoughts? What are any questions you have?

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, as you recognize, that was a f***ing MASSIVE WALL OF TEXT. And sorry to be critical, but a lot of needless information.

 

Consequently, I skimmed it.

 

Here's what I got: you had a relationship with a younger girl, the relationship had a lot of ups and downs, several break ups and reunions, years later she has met a guy in a more established place than you, a guy with a slightly different perspective on life, she has taken up with that guy, how can the person you viewed as your soul-mate just cut you out of their life?

 

Start reading some of the posts on LS. It will become clear to you very quickly that people are apt to do very cold, unfathomable, unexplainable and merciless acts to one another. Actually, your story is not really all that heart-wrenching. The woman is young. She has no life experience. She wants to experience new men, feel new things, learn new ways, etc. By the time she's 30, she'll have had 3, 5, 10 more lovers---there's no telling.

 

Will she forget you? No. You form a part of her initiation into the mysteries of love. Will you forget her? No. But you will move on. You will go NC(read about that). You will work on yourself a bit, so that you feel better about yourself. And one day, you will meet another great girl.

 

Pick yourself up, brush yourself off. It'll be OK.

 

P.S. read Justanaverageguy's first post for the really gut-wrenching, my-God-how-could-someone-do-that kinda' stuff.

[PeterJQ]

You're right, it's long. But needless info or not, I wasn't just looking for advice, as I've read a lot of posts on here. I simply just wanted to share the full story. I can see a lot of people not wanting to read so much, but if they do, then cool. Thanks for your post nonetheless, and I will check out his threads.

[GoBlue]

I view break-ups differently than many others do - the truth is most of them are absolutely necessary. The purpose of dating, from my perspective, is to find someone you are compatible enough with to make the decision that you will commit to him/her for life (marriage). There is a reason why you shouldn't get involved sexually with someone before it's time because all it does is cloud the purpose of dating anyway - find your life partner. This may be archaic to some but after 50 years of living I haven't found anything that changes my mind.

 

As far as your statement, "I find it impossible to let go...to simply accept that this person is gone forever," you really have no choice. Relationships of love are based on two people who willingly choose to be in that relationship. To refuse to accept it is to remove the possibility for emotional recovery. The vast majority of people who end up finding the love of their life do so after experiencing some kind of gut wrenching break-up along the way. Everything will be fine - eventually - and you will find what you are looking for. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[PeterJQ]

I view break-ups differently than many others do - the truth is most of them are absolutely necessary. The purpose of dating, from my perspective, is to find someone you are compatible enough with to make the decision that you will commit to him/her for life (marriage). There is a reason why you shouldn't get involved sexually with someone before it's time because all it does is cloud the purpose of dating anyway - find your life partner. This may be archaic to some but after 50 years of living I haven't found anything that changes my mind.

 

As far as your statement, "I find it impossible to let go...to simply accept that this person is gone forever," you really have no choice. Relationships of love are based on two people who willingly choose to be in that relationship. To refuse to accept it is to remove the possibility for emotional recovery. The vast majority of people who end up finding the love of their life do so after experiencing some kind of gut wrenching break-up along the way. Everything will be fine - eventually - and you will find what you are looking for. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

Thanks for your post. I see what you're saying. I just feel that with the type of person that I am it's extremely difficult for me to come by what I want in someone. She was perfect, and I took her for granted. Now she's gone and happy and moving away. I believe she's crazy in a way. I don't know. But I will be unable to forget her, and the bar she set so high for me. I will be single and pining for her for a very long time...

[mightycpa]

All dumpees have this need to tell the story from start to end, all the gory details, all the little tidbits. It is very common.

 

But the story, at its core, is always the same. Two people get together, one gets left behind, and it hurts like the worst thing in the world. In a way, I guess it is. You feel a combination of love and betrayal and disbelief and resignation, all wrapped up into a big bad of longing for what can't be.

 

All I can tell you is there are some things you can do the mitigate the pain and to lessen the length of time that you'll feel this way. You currently have the brain chemistry of an addict in withdrawal.

 

If you can exercise, running especially, you'll have time to think and you'll feel better when those counteracting brain chemicals hit your system.

 

Whenever you think about the past, recognize that what you're doing is searching for a way to change the outcome. Realize that you can't. Try to envision those breakup scenes not from your eyes, but like an observer looking at what you are doing when it happens. Depersonalize it by objectifying it.

 

She's not perfect. Not even close. Her breath stinks in the AM, and she bleeds once a month. She uses both ends in the toilet like everybody else. She needs to bathe regularly and use deodorant. She can be a pain in the ass. She has few friends, she will smother you in a relationship at first, then she'll pull back like there's no tomorrow. She's like a million other girls, and you are caught up in an illusion. You need to break that illusion. She's probably very nice, but I'll bet you know nicer ones.

 

Make a concerted effort to think about the future in some way, something that you want to do. Set some goals, easy ones, some a little harder, and one that will take some effort on your part. Do a little every day to get you towards those goals, whether that's losing weight, restoring a car, whatever. I learned to play guitar. It doesn't matter what it is, but it does matter that you do something for yourself that's new.

 

Get some pals to take you on a weekend bender. Maybe more than one, but space them out.

 

Find a girl you can talk to in person that you won't date. It will help you later with new girls.

 

Take some time to yourself before you start banging new girls. Then bang a few with zero expectations of relationship. Learn how to date unencumbered.

 

Treat yourself well. It will take time, but you'll come out of this stronger, and with your self-respect intact.

 

Or you could mope around and waste your time. I'd go the other route if I were you.

Edited November 6, 2014 by mightycpa

[mariekatie]

Don't be surprised but i actually did read 80% of what you wrote.

I feel like you're my "boyfriend". And the reason why i read on, is because i feel like i'm exactly like your "girlfriend".

 

Firstly, you took her for granted. I guess all these builds up over a long time, you didn't fix it. Girls like us will do the slow fade. We keep giving till we have nothing more to give. Once we are done, we are really done.

 

Not to burst your bubble but if she's anything like me, it would be hard to go back to an ex, especially if we have a new guy..

I guess it's because this is your first relationship, that's why you neglected her. There's alot for you to learn. I can assure you, you'll learn from this mistake.

 

It kinda scares me because this is exactly what i am towards my bf, i smother him and expects the same. But i think communication is really important in a relationship.

It seems like she had already moved on, she had enough.

I'm sorry i had to tell you this but you need to try to move on.

 

Feel Free to ask questions , i feel like i could totally understand your situation. Sorry for my bad english as it is not my native language.

[David87]

Peter...geez that was a long post but I guess you are really really hurt. I hope you'll learn from this experience. Your ex is young like others have said. She wants to experiment. Dont try to get her back because it wont work.

 

Start NC, work on yourself and try to be prepared for your next relationship so you wont end up in a mess like this again.

[nerdlingZA]

**** this is probably the longest post I've ever seen in the history of Loveshack.org

 

Anyway... She's gone man, u know as soon as you know that u took her for granted that's when u know she was the best thing to ever happen to your life and she aint ever coming back, I can relate, I'll probably regret my ex too we were only 15 and 16, we didn't know **** but she loved me in a way that totally pushed me away and she left and had sex for the first time with a 29 Y/o when she was 17, Never again!

[PeterJQ]

Thanks for the replies, folks. And as I warned you in the beginning, it is indeed an extremely long post.

 

As I said, yes, ultimately I did take her for granted. But at the same time, I did not ignore her by any means. I gave her plenty of attention and we spent a lot of time together. I just think that with her lack of having anyone but me, her extreme codependency issues and other psychological problems, she wanted way more from me than I could give and remain happy myself...I don't know...

[mariekatie]

Thanks for the replies, folks. And as I warned you in the beginning, it is indeed an extremely long post.

 

As I said, yes, ultimately I did take her for granted. But at the same time, I did not ignore her by any means. I gave her plenty of attention and we spent a lot of time together. I just think that with her lack of having anyone but me, her extreme codependency issues and other psychological problems, she wanted way more from me than I could give and remain happy myself...I don't know...

 

Well maybe what you offer, isn't what she wanted. Maybe you think by giving alot of time together = giving her attention. But she might not feel so. Sometimes i feel my guy gives me time but i'm not happy because it lack quality. But well i think it all failed on communication. You mentioned that you always "didnt listen to her" and you got too comfortable with the r/s and began to stop putting effort. it's tiring to always "chase" your partner, especially when you felt like you were the only one chasing. Move on dude, you will learn from this experience. It's your 1st heartbreak afterall. Most people ain't lucky enough to succeed on their 1st r/s. I believe you'll become a stronger and better person. Please learn to treasure.

 

I'm not saying that you're wrong in any way, i feel it's because of your lack of experience. People make mistakes and grow with it. Not everyone could tolerate others' mistakes. I guess she wasn't all perfect as well. There will always be someone better. But don't blame everything on yourself. It takes 2 hands to clap. You've already done what you should have done. Regrets, yes there will be, but move on. Because now she's the one who left, you don't have a choice. I'm sorry,i know your pain.

 

This is one of the reason why i will never want to screw over my bf, it's his 1st r/s and hopefully last! Good luck dude!! I await to see the day you found a better girl. Someone who is mature as well. And by then, please treasure her.A nice girl is hard to come by nowadays.

[Raena]

Wow, I drank my entire cup of coffee reading your post.... and I don't drink quickly!

 

That being said, I DID read all of it.

 

I imagine that you've learned quite a bit about what not to do in relationships in the future.

 

My advice to you is this:

Get out of your parents house!

Make it your mission to become more independent.

Stop playing so many video games, get out of the house more often, socialize, make friends, experience life. (I get it, I'm a gamer too but you have to have something else in life too)

 

 

Focus on improving YOU and becoming independent. No self-respecting woman is going to want to be a with a man who still lives with mommy and daddy.

 

It sounds like you've closed yourself off from the world and like it in your little cave that you've created. It's nice and cozy in there but it doesn't allow you to meet new people or grow in any way.

 

Forget her. She was young, VERY young when you met her. It's not that uncommon for young girls(and men) to change drastically in their 20s. It's the time period where you should be experiencing life, not tied down in a relationship in your parents house with limited interaction with the outside world. I'm not surprised she felt suffocated and that you didn't pay enough attention to her. It didn't turn out the way she expected. She went from living with her parents, to living with your parents and hasn't really had the opportunity to grow up at all. She's still acting like a petulant child.

 

I don't know what else to say to you other than that you really need to let her go and get on with the business of growing up, becoming independent, get a good paying job, make a plan for your future and focus on YOU, not on her.