Riddickcz Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Hey guys, I'm totally new here, just spent half a day reading through some threads that are very similar to my current state. I'm 27 and have been dating my girlfriend for almost 7 years. We met through online gaming and really hit it off with online gaming being the thing we had in common the most. I was attracted to her (considering the fact that I was single 4 years prior). The sex was great, she reaches multiple orgasms, I reach orgasm too, everything as it should be. Her physique hasn't changed a bit in those 7 years. Me however I went through some weight gain phase when we started going out, but at a 5 year mark, I totally changed my lifestyle. I started eating properly, tracking my nutrition, going to the gym pretty much on daily basis and I love it. Two years down the road I'm pretty lean, gained some muscles and still in love with fitness way of life. My girlfriend has naturally fast metabolism, so she doesn't need to workout at all to stay on her weight. (she is quite thin). It feels like my taste in women has changed since I feel way more attracted to toned women that also perform some kind of physical activity. I just got to a point where I don't feel attracted to my girlfriend but at all. I don't care if she goes out, I don't really miss her when we are not together, not even really thinking about her. I do care about her and do not want to hurt her, especially since it has been 7 years, but I'm miserable. We used to be very sexually active and we both love sex. I just don't feel even attracted to the idea of having sex with her anymore. I prefer masturbating, which gives me more joy and I don't really feel the need to pleasure her anymore - which has always been a big deal to me when it comes to sex, I love to be the giver. Maybe I'm just trying to save something that isn't there anymore and most of the advises in other threads mentioned break-up. I actually think I can deal with break-up at this point, I just hate the though of throwing those 7 years away and hurting her. Thanks in advance for your advise, Daniel
LovelyDaze Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I think you're being sadly superficial and that your love for your long time gf has conditions but you probably struggle with those thoughts already. Ask yourself what is more important to you? How attractive your GF is in your eyes or how much you love her? If both your attraction AND love has dissipated, do her a favor and have an honest conversation that you both need to part. That will leave you to be with someone you are attracted to and leave her to someone who will love all of her as she is. You don't have to stay with her of course but don't waste each other's time if one or both of you won't be happy in the long run.
Author Riddickcz Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 We got to a point where there is pretty much nothing we have in common. She doesn't have any hobbies except for still online gaming, which I don't do anymore. I like fitness, working out, but she doesnt like that because she doesn't need it to stay thin. And in addition to that I don't feel attracted to her anymore so the sexual connection is gone too. I do care for her, but I'm at a point where I question what "love" really is....is it wanting to stay with her despite of all these things above? Is it staying with her because I do not want to hurt her? Or is this just what happens after 7 years of dating and I'm making too big of a deal out of it.. 1
towardthefuture Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Or is this just what happens after 7 years of dating and I'm making too big of a deal out of it.. It's actually pretty common. Lots of couples don't make it through this stage. Seven Strategies To Help Avoid The 7-Year Itch! - eHarmony Advice The general thing is that usually relationships are 'successful' after 7 years -- whatever you were trading subconsciously for affection, neither of you needs anymore. I.E. if you were introverted but smart and she was extroverted but dumb and you were trading intellectualism for a social shield, at around 7 years both of you have rubbed off on each other that the dynamic breaks down. You either find something new to trade or the relationshiip runs its course It's up to you to decide whether or not you need to work through it. As far as physical attraction, you should communicate this with her. See how she reacts. Don't keep it a secret. If you keep it a secret, you will definitely break up. Breaking up always starts with an 'unhappy for x reasons' secret.
newmoon Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 7 years is a long time and you're still very young. it just sounds like - in addition to your change of body and health - you are having a change of life and growing in a new and different direction. there is nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with not being attracted to your current gf anymore, it happens. the wrong part is staying with her when you feel that way. it won't improve if you truly don't feel 'it' anymore for her, and leaving her in the dark is hurtful. after 7 years of dating you should have either been married or engaged a long time ago, so i would say it's just run its course, perhaps... 1
gnick Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Try getting her to work out with you. Find something fun that she might enjoy to start. Being thin has nothing to do with being in shape. I've seen lots thin people with absolutely no muscle tone
LovelyDaze Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 We got to a point where there is pretty much nothing we have in common. Is it staying with her because I do not want to hurt her? Or is this just what happens after 7 years of dating and I'm making too big of a deal out of it.. That IS a more profound reason to consider if the relationship may have just burned out. If you both truly have nothing in common(i.e. don't enjoy activities, any other hobbies together, conversation, etc), it is understandable why this may be weighing on your mind. Try getting her to work out with you. Find something fun that she might enjoy to start. Being thin has nothing to do with being in shape. I've seen lots thin people with absolutely no muscle tone This is a good idea if she is game for it. This can spark conversation and an interest in both of you to share something fun to do together as a couple. Since you mentioned that you care for her and it seems like you are looking for ways to stay before you close the door, suggest this working out together idea. If you discover you are STILL not attracted to her whether the work-out idea pans out or not, then definitely have that honest conversation that you are not into the relationship any longer and why...don't just leave her or string her along. Both of you should have love in your life without being in idle.
WomenWubber Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Maybe I'm just trying to save something that isn't there anymore and most of the advises in other threads mentioned break-up. I actually think I can deal with break-up at this point, I just hate the though of throwing those 7 years away and hurting her. Thanks in advance for your advise, Daniel If you haven't already had the talk with her, then you're not really trying. If you think you can deal with break up, maybe this relationship has already ran its course for you. To make this relationship to work, you will have to reach a compromise that suits both of you. Let's say she agrees to do something she apparently has no interest in doing (i.e. hitting the gym). It would be just fair of you to give her something in return. Ask her if there's something she'd really like you to do for her. If you really value your relationship with her, then you should be willing to compromise. The same goes for her, though. Successful, long-lasting relationships are not built on sexual attraction. 1
Author Riddickcz Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 Try getting her to work out with you. Find something fun that she might enjoy to start. Being thin has nothing to do with being in shape. I've seen lots thin people with absolutely no muscle tone First of all thanks to everyone that provided some feedback, really appreciate it. As to this one, yes. I have tried that multiple times. She even started doing yoga couple times with me, problem is that she never sticks to it since its not something she is passionate about. She doesnt really want to workout or do anything, cause then her body hurts, she is tired and many other reasons that always eventually make her stop. And I totally agree, being thin has nothing to do with being in shape. And she is one of these girls thats thin, but with absolutely no muscle tone and I just don't find that physique attractive anymore.
Author Riddickcz Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 I might have also mentioned that fact that I just moved from Europe to US on a 3 year working VISA. I am not a family oriented person so it was very easy for me to just move on. My GF on the other hand is very close with her family so it was much harder for her to decide to leave her friends and family and come to US with me. She doesnt really like it here and the ONLY reason she is here is because I am here. Also another thing I might have mentioned is the fact that I find english speaking women very attractive. She doesnt have to be pretty at all, just the fact that she speaks english makes her attractive (not to a point for me to date her, but there is just something about it). My girlfriend is not really good in English so we communicate in Czech (native langue in the country we are from).
evanescentworld Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Oh good grief, look, just do you both a favour and break up with her. She is a gamer. she is thin. She doesn't have an English accent/speaks English (Oh, wait....you knew this when you met her, right...? ) You need to cut her loose and let her find someone who's far more compatible with her, and you need to find yourself someone you can relate to. Super muscles, fine physique, likes to keep fit, speaks English and is perhaps as superficial as you sound.
Author Riddickcz Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 She is a gamer. she is thin. She doesn't have an English accent/speaks English (Oh, wait....you knew this when you met her, right...? ) I used to be a gamer too. I still am to a degree, but we used to play online games, together. Now we just play single players, each alone. I havent had a good english when we started going out either. And since we lived in Czech Republic, there werent that many people around me who did speak good enough english so it didn't matter to me at that point. But after 7 years of working for english company my english improved and now I moved to US where I'm surrounded only by english speaking people. You make it sound like I'm picking on things that were bad from the getgo, but those things were okey with me when we started dating, my view on them has just changed over time..
evanescentworld Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 No, you're picking on superficial, irrelevant things. It's shallow-minded and inconsiderate to judge her. YOU are the one who has drastically changed. Simple enough to say that in this time, you have grow apart. That's all that needs saying, because all the reasons you cite are frankly trivial. Just tell her you think you should split up, and bring an end to it. Don't find fault in her, just explain you're different people now, with different interests and things are not working well....
Author Riddickcz Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 Don't find fault in her, just explain you're different people now, with different interests and things are not working well.... You are right, it is not her fault and I am by no means blaming her for the state we are in at the moment.. She hasn't changed one bit since we met, I have changed a lot. And I guess thats the problem...and forcing her to change for me or forcing myself to change for her is not how things should be.
KBarletta Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 You are right, it is not her fault and I am by no means blaming her for the state we are in at the moment.. She hasn't changed one bit since we met, I have changed a lot. And I guess thats the problem...and forcing her to change for me or forcing myself to change for her is not how things should be. True, that is not how things should be. But nearly all long-term relationships of three, four or more years have peaks and valleys where attraction fades, distance develops and it becomes work to keep it going. Some stick it out, some bail. You can choose to put in the effort if you think it's worth it, or you can move on if you don't. I do think, after seven years, you owe it to her to have a conversation first before you just walk away. I am sure she has sensed this distance, too. But if you are considering ending the relationship over it, it sounds like you at least owe her a conversation first - you might be surprised where it leads. 1
Author Riddickcz Posted January 27, 2015 Author Posted January 27, 2015 True, that is not how things should be. But nearly all long-term relationships of three, four or more years have peaks and valleys where attraction fades, distance develops and it becomes work to keep it going. Some stick it out, some bail. You can choose to put in the effort if you think it's worth it, or you can move on if you don't. I do think, after seven years, you owe it to her to have a conversation first before you just walk away. I am sure she has sensed this distance, too. But if you are considering ending the relationship over it, it sounds like you at least owe her a conversation first - you might be surprised where it leads. I am definitely not planning on just saying goodbye and leave. Right now I am deciding what I should say, which way to steer the conversation and I guess most importantly when to have the conversation. As I mentioned above, I live in the US now, she is here on 6 months visa (3 months remaining) and then she needs to return back to Europe for a short time before she can come back here. So My dilemma is whether I should wait until she is with her friends and family so that she has someone to comfort her in case we really do break up.
evanescentworld Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 ..... As I mentioned above, I live in the US now, she is here on 6 months visa (3 months remaining) and then she needs to return back to Europe for a short time before she can come back here. So My dilemma is whether I should wait until she is with her friends and family so that she has someone to comfort her in case we really do break up. No, because that is a cowardly way to do it. You need to tell her as soon as possible that once the three months are over and she returns to Europe, it's probably best she stays there, because you do not believe your relationship is developing positively. In fact it has stopped and stagnated, and you don't feel things can develop productively. So perhaps she should begin to make plans now about what she will do, once she returns to Europe. Don't dump this on her when she is far away, unable to speak with you face to face (you're not scared of doing that, are you??) and safely in Europe.
CALOVELY Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 You need to end this relationship now. It is terribly unfair to her to string this along. Seven years and you did not marry her? That is a big sign right there. 1
KBarletta Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 My dilemma is whether I should wait until she is with her friends and family so that she has someone to comfort her in case we really do break up. Don't wait. This conversation should happen sooner rather than later. If you ultimately break up, waiting is only going to prolong the inevitable pain and string her along. And if you don't and things do improve, wouldn't you want that to happen sooner rather than later?
LovelyDaze Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 I know it's cliche' but life is short. It really is. We can live for 200 years and it really is too short to waste over BS'ing around. If you really feel that you both cannot try to make it work in any way,shape, or form as suggested earlier, then do yourself and her a favor and end it. That three-month Visa window is closing and you want to be mature enough to let her go with love if you want to get on with your life and give her the grace of doing the same.
Diezel Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Do it now, that way she can book a flight back and leave. I actually wouldn't be surprised if she felt the same way as you did, to be honest.
Holmes85 Posted January 27, 2015 Posted January 27, 2015 Daniel, Let me me honest with you and tell you what kind of advice you are looking for on here. - That you are right, you shouldn't be with her - You tried your best, it just doesn't feel the same - You two are different people, she's family oriented and your not - You tried to work things out, but she just doesn't change - It's best that you breakup when she goes back And now let me tell you what actually is happening - It's been 7 years, you have tried her out from every angle - You are bored and want some excitement - You think you can do better than her - You are confusing stability, honesty & unconditional love with boredom I don't have any advise to give you but I'm going to wish you the best of luck on your journey, you are definitely going to need lots of it. 2
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