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The hardest part for me is wondering whether her reasons were genuine or not.

Xiomn

By Xiomn
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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Hmm.. I think the hardest thing for me to get my head around after my breakup is wondering to myself as to whether my girlfriend was being seriously genuine for her reasoning of wanting to breakup.

 

She said she wants to focus on herself, her studies and her writing and to mature herself. (she wants to become a great writer and write a best seller in the future) She is very passionate about writing and writing is a hobby which no doubt probably requires a lot of her time on her part both in the thinking process and the actual writing process. She has clear goals as to where she wants to be in the future and doesn't want the added stress of a relationship to distract her in getting to where she wants to be.I have already seen some of her writing, they're pretty long going upwards to about 10,000 words (so far) which is more than a university dissertation itself.

 

She'll also have university alongside this. (My only problem with this excuse is that she is going into first year and her grades don't even count towards her final degree classification, so it's no pressure at all really as she only needs a bear minimum of a pass (40%) to proceed onto year 2 which is achievable even if you hardly put any effort in at all.

 

But at the same time.. when we were together she was in foundation year and she did seem to be struggling a lot with her work and she was getting emails from lecturers telling her that she might end up failing. (which made me think she obviously isn't cut out for university if she can't even handle foundation year which is essentially for those who don't know the basic entry year for those who didn't initially get the grades needed to get onto the course in preparation for going into first year.)

 

Everyone has different capabilities, someone who finds something easy another might find hard. So i'm a bit mixed about that reasoning. I must admit in the past I always was of the opinion that the reason she struggled with her work was because she did spent a lot of time with her friends and not enough time with her work and she kept leaving it until the last minute.

 

She is looking for a job alongside university and her writing too, which adds another obstacle to the equation, put it all together, writing, university and a part time job on the side it does sound like a lot I must admit.

 

However, I know for a fact if you love someone deep down you will find a way to make it work between each other even if you know you will end up having to make sacrifices such as not seeing each other as often as you normally would. I've told her exactly this and how I don't intend to nor want to distract her or put more pressure or stress on her and in fact I want to be there for her if she needs me as she is going through supposedly a stressful time in her life at the moment. Still, she had absolutely none of it.

 

There's also the fact that I'm in my last year of university, so I'm practically 2 years ahead of her academically, it's the most important, hardest and most stressful year of university and unlike her i'm not asking her for time and space to focus on myself and my studies because I know we can work through it somehow. Her situation as I've outlined above in relation to university is relatively easy compared to me, but again as I said everyone struggles differently.

 

When she broke up with me, she was (and I must emphasize and make this clear, very adamant) that she was not breaking up with me to get with someone else, nor did she want to be with anyone else in the future. She stated that she did not want a relationship right now with anyone, including myself because of all the stuff I have said above.

 

But you can understand why i'm sceptical DESPITE how genuine she sounds like she is being, as I outlined above, it's clearly a workable situation but she doesn't want to try. Which makes me think about all those people that always say there's only 2 reasons girl say this type of stuff:

 

1. Because they want to break it off with you lightly, they want to be free to mess around without commitment and don't have the courage to tell you to your face.

 

2. Because there is another guy behind the scenes.

 

When you scour the forums, reading hundreds of different people and their own unique and similar situations and all you hear in response is "dude i guarantee she said this because there was another guy, you won't believe it now but you'll come back in a week and realize how dumb you were for believing her" (Or something to that line) Stuff like that can really get into your head, especially when you know these people don't even know the full situation so how could they possibly be so 100% certain? At best they go off their own experiences and think everyone else will have the same outcome as they did.

 

If only I could read her mind and know for certain whether her reasons are genuine. The only other option is to simply wait and see if she gets with another guy to confirm my scepticism.

 

I know the typical response to this will be telling me to stop contemplating and accept the fact that it is done and there is nothing you can do right now. She has made up her mind. I completely agree, I have come to terms with that. BUT, it still bugs me nonetheless, If I knew whether she was being genuine or not I feel like it would honestly put my mind to rest, even if worse did come to worst and I found out she wasn't being genuine and there was another guy. If anything that would probably make me angry and not depressed like I am now so it probably (although i don't know for certain) would make my recovery a lot less painful.

Edited by Xiomn
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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No matter the words she chose when she told you she wanted to break up the bottom line remains she no longer wanted to date you. It doesn't matter if she did it because she wants to focus on school, find herself, or pursue another guy. The meager silver lining is she told you that she wanted out & she did so as kindly & as graciously as she could. It's never easy to reject someone & hurt their feelings. Try to stop obsessing over the "why" and remember that the only thing that matter is her action: she ended the relationship.

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erklat Established Member

erklat

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I'd say it the same.To the letter.

 

That's why I say NC is one size fits all solution. As much as everyone

has false hope their situation is unique - it isn't. Fundamental they

dumped you to be with someone else .

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Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

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Try to stop obsessing over the "why" and remember that the only thing that matter is her action: she ended the relationship.

 

I was desperate to know the "real reason" behind my breakup as many things didn't quite add up. It was making me physically sick thinking there could be someone else. I finally came to realize that the search for answers was a futile endeavor. It's over. Having the clarity as to "why" would not change that fact. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I finally came to accept that the relationship had ended, that her reasons were most likely to spare my feelings. After that I made my peace with it and was able to begin the recovery process.

 

I know you want answers, but seriously, do you really want to find out there's another guy? It would only cause you more pain. There's no closure for you here.

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Clarence_Boddicker Established Member

Clarence_Boddicker

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After getting dumped, assume everything your ex told you was a lie, unless they actually told you the painfully simple truth: I don't want to be with you anymore.

 

 

The whys are meaningless, unless you were an abuser or cheating. The only thing that matters is the now. Now I'm dumping you & we are over. Now you go no contact. Now you forget about her. Now you look for someone new. Etc, etc.

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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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I was desperate to know the "real reason" behind my breakup as many things didn't quite add up. It was making me physically sick thinking there could be someone else. I finally came to realize that the search for answers was a futile endeavor. It's over. Having the clarity as to "why" would not change that fact. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I finally came to accept that the relationship had ended, that her reasons were most likely to spare my feelings. After that I made my peace with it and was able to begin the recovery process.

 

I know you want answers, but seriously, do you really want to find out there's another guy? It would only cause you more pain. There's no closure for you here.

 

I don't know whether I would want to know if there was another guy or not.. part of me wants to know because although you say there wont be any closure there from knowing, part of me still thinks if I did know it would be closure.. but part of me doesn't want to risk sending myself back to square one, it might hurt A LOT in the short term, but in the long term I'm not sure, I think over the long term I might feel better knowing why she did it instead of questioning myself whether she was telling the truth or not. But I take your point, it indeed might not be closure, if I did find out there was another guy my thought process might just shift to "why" over to "is she happy with him?" or something similar and the process will never end until i decide to just not give a crap anymore. I'm just really confused at the moment.

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Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

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...part of me still thinks if I did know it would be closure..

 

Unfortunately, there is no such thing as closure. The need for closure is a defense mechanism that we use for validation. Obsessing and speculating that she betrayed you only gives her more power over you. There is no great "Epiphany", there is no "one last talk with your ex". The only closure you have is when YOU decide you have it, no one can give it to you.

 

Go NC. Forgive yourself (and her if possible), learn what you can from it, move on. Put a stamp on the pain and look towards your future. It's not easy to let go ... but it's important. Good Luck!

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ManyDissapoint Established Member

ManyDissapoint

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Blah blah blah.

 

In some cases you would really like to know if your ex cheated / has moved on to someone else. This can be useful information because you know you would never take them back.

 

That's one type of closure. Really tired of hearing that there's no closure. There is closure, but people are too much of cowards to let them know the truth. The truth is closure. The closer you get to the truth, the closer you get to real closure. Sure it's rare, because people are total crap these days.

 

"Your dick is too small."

 

"You're too annoying"

 

"I found someone who is richer."

 

"I'm bored of you."

 

All are closure in a way. When they tell you the reason for breaking up with you and you know it's true and you deserve it. That's closure. If they explain their own change of heart it's also closure.

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BriNyc82 Established Member

BriNyc82

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I struggle too with wondering if I was fed a bunch of bull just so he could be the good guy and spare my feelings. Or was it really the truth? I'll never know.

 

Bottom line: he wanted out. Whether what he said was true or not he just didn't want to be with me for one reason or another. His life is better without me in it and that's a tough pill to swallow. The end result is the same. And I think that's all there is to know

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Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

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Posted
Bottom line: he wanted out. Whether what he said was true or not he just didn't want to be with me for one reason or another. His life is better without me in it and that's a tough pill to swallow. The end result is the same. And I think that's all there is to know

 

It sucks. My mind went haywire trying to decipher every word, action and emotion my Ex conveyed as I replayed the breakup over and over in my mind. It got me nowhere fast.

 

I agree, even though it might have filled some "void" to have clear transparency as to why my heart was broken.... the result is the same.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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Forget why.

 

You'll never know why, and she probably doesn't know why either.

 

"It just felt right at the time."

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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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Guys... I did something really bad. I know it was wrong but I just couldn't help myself. The past few days I've actually been doing really well, I was feeling pretty indifferent about it all but I feel like I've had a setback and It's all my own fault. I know i'll be hated on for this because I know it was my own fault. I just need to vent here anyway.

 

I stalked her on Facebook from a friends profile because when we broke up she blocked me so I've been blocked for over 2 weeks now and the curiosity got the better of me and I found out that she lied to me. When she broke up with me she told me she didn't want to move into the new flat we had been planning on moving in together for over half a year and were soon to move into in November. She said she just wanted to be alone and live by herself and turn the room I was supposed to move into, into a study room. Anyway I read one of her statuses and turns out she said that she can't wait to move into the new flat with one of her female best friend from back home. That was only 6 days after she told me she wanted to live alone and all that crap.

 

If you've read my post(s) you'll probably know I proposed to her as my last act of desperation a few days ago. Anyway I found another status which she literally posted minutes right after I proposed to her and she rejected me and we said goodbye to each other saying 'you can't just let go can you' which hurt me really bad, because right now I know she is right.

 

I also found out that she deleted the album of all our happy memories and pictures together as a couple, which i guess is understandable if she wanted to move on and forget as well but it still really hurt me nonetheless, like our time together didn't mean anything to her and she could just erase them just like that. But yeah, I know memories in the mind will never fade.

 

She also had a post and she seemed really happy, listing all the great things that she was going to be doing over the course of the next year such as holidays and doing lots of other stuff.

 

I hurt myself. I'm so tempted to just text her now and say I know you lied to me about wanting the flat to yourself, I can't believe you didn't have the guts to tell me you coward. I'm not going to do it though, I know that would be wrong and so I'm saying it here instead to vent my anger.

Edited by Xiomn
Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

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Awe Fudge! This is text book No Contact 101. You poor miserable fool. You knew you could possibly be walking into a buzz saw and you did it anyway? :eek:

 

It could have been worse, she could have been moving in with some guy. But still, the damage is done. She's right when she said 'you can't just let go can you?' You need to stop. You're only screwing yourself up by breaking NC and looking at her Facebook page and status updates.

 

I'm so, so very sorry you found out these things. I can imagine your pain has been exacerbated ten fold. Now you know, it's much better not knowing.

 

Keep your head up.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Guys... I did something really bad

Well, look on the bright side dude. You got closure! You know exactly how things stand now. I disagree with the above poster, it is not better to not know.

 

Much as it hurts, you know there is absolutely no hope of getting back together with her. So now you can start the healing and recovery process without being held back by false hope.

  • Like 3
dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

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"I hurt myself. I'm so tempted to just text her now and say I know you lied to me about wanting the flat to yourself, I can't believe you didn't have the guts to tell me you coward. I'm not going to do it though, I know that would be wrong and so I'm saying it here instead to vent my anger"

 

See, you are heading in the right direction. Post your thoughts and temptations on here. Others have already mentioned that it does not matter what she told you and that the bottom line is she does not want a relationship with you for whatever reason. Just remember that she has the ability to lie (we all do) and if you had the chance to ask her, she would probably not tell you the truth. Why?, because she does not want you begging and pleading that things can work and you can change whatever it is. If you text or if you call, no matter what happens, no matter what is said, you will still have questions. Questions that you will never have the answers to. This is just something that happens with most of us when we are broken up with. Turn those questions about what she is/was thinking into questions about you. You can answer those questions. What do you see that you can work on and improve on for your next relationship? You can control that. You can answer those questions. Please try to turn this back on to working on you and not giving a crap about what she thinks any more. It just doesn't matter.

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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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Thanks for the support guys.. I really appreciate it.. I don't have anyone to talk to right now so It's nice to be able to talk to people on this forum. I've tried many other forums in the past and none are as good as this one when it comes to responses.

 

Of course I am upset over this new development, but in a way it's made me realize just how pathetic she is being, not being able to tell me straight that is.

 

Anyway, I'm now off to the gym to blow off some steam and get my minds off things for a bit, even if it's only for a while. Hopefully the gym is open :laugh: See you later.

  • Like 1
Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

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You know exactly how things stand now. I disagree with the above poster, it is not better to not know..

Why's that? What so he can have affirmation that his Ex was in fact lying to him? Of course she was lying. Everyone lies. I mean wtf, how is reading those hurtful comments supposed to help in his recovery?

 

After getting dumped, assume everything your ex told you was a lie, unless they actually told you the painfully simple truth: I don't want to be with you anymore.

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Satu Established Member

Satu

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No contact:

 

Get back on that horse.

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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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Back from the gym..felt good to get out the house man instead of sitting at home staring at the computer screen all day because I'm too sad to go out and do anything. Last summer holidays I went the gym every single day for like 3 months straight then I just stopped. Feels good to get back out there because you're so focused on yourself and you're so tired and putting effort into it when you're at the gym you just don't have time to focus on other things or other people. :)

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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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Hi guys, wanted to hear what you thought about this. My ex unblocked me today by the looks of it. I'm not sure if this makes any sense but I posted a comment on someones status, I looked to see who liked the status and her name popped up. Now I know when someone has you blocked they disappear completely off Facebook so even if they like something it won't show they liked it when you look. So I checked and it turns out she has in fact unblocked me after 2 1/2weekswhich I thought was a bit weird, she said that we can't be friends, we shouldn't keep in contact any longer and that she doesn't love me anymore previously (because of my begging etc.) I have a feeling she unblocked me to see what I had said. So I was wondering whether I should block her in return?

Edited by Xiomn
Gus Grimly Established Member

Gus Grimly

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So I was wondering whether I should block her in return?

 

Indeed. :cool:

 

She starting to drop breadcrumbs. Oldest trick in the book.

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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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Indeed. :cool:

 

She starting to drop breadcrumbs. Oldest trick in the book.

 

Good thing she can't see anything on my profile anyway because of privacy settings. :laugh::p

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Xiomn Established Member

Xiomn

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The only problem is, the status which I was commenting on which I found out she liked by accident was a status about someone worrying for the future of their relationship, asking people about LDR and whether they can work. I don't see why she would like that status unless she was thinking about getting with someone else in a LDR herself, when she was very very adamant she did not want to be in any relationship at all with anyone at the moment while at university. Then again I already know she's lied to me once so yeah I think in the future I'm going to stick by what that other person said on here, when they break up with you assume everything they say is a lie because so far all the signs are pointing that way. I'm going to block her so I don't see any of this **** again.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
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Why's that? What so he can have affirmation that his Ex was in fact lying to him? Of course she was lying. Everyone lies. I mean wtf, how is reading those hurtful comments supposed to help in his recovery?

Often on these forums you see threads from people who hang on to the thinnest hope of reconciliation. They are left wondering for days, weeks or months. They jump at the smallest breadcrumb. They analyse the mind of the dumper, scrutinize every text message or email for hidden meaning, etc.

 

I am not saying that reading a bunch of hurtful comments is helpful. What I am saying, is that it's helpful to have a final answer to the question, "is there any hope of a reconciliation?". If you have that, then you know that all hope of a reconciliation is gone. You can move on without false hope or setbacks. It's a lot easier to stick to NC if you know once and for all that your ex is 100% not interested in trying again.

 

Yes, BLOCK her. You don't need to accidentally see anything she posts because mutual friends have commented on it or whatever.

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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When she broke up with me she told me she didn't want to move into the new flat we had been planning on moving in together for over half a year and were soon to move into in November. She said she just wanted to be alone and live by herself and turn the room I was supposed to move into, into a study room. Anyway I read one of her statuses and turns out she said that she can't wait to move into the new flat with one of her female best friend from back home. That was only 6 days after she told me she wanted to live alone and all that crap.

 

Ex: I have broken up with Xiomn

Ex's bff: Oh that is sad, but I am sure you did the right thing.

Ex: Yes, I think so.

Ex''s bfff: What about your new flat, you were going to move in with him I thought?

Ex: I am going to live alone.

Ex's bff: Alone? How are you going to pay the rent?

Ex: I'll manage.

Ex's bff: My lease is up soon, fancy sharing?

Ex: That sounds like an excellent idea. Oh God I am soo happy. I just didn't want to share with anyone I didn't know.

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