Getting to the point where i need to realize it's over

[Rudyruude]

Hey guys,

 

So my girlfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago and I've gone through ups and downs. She said she "wasnt happy" so I basically bowed out of her life without much of a fight. What can I do? She is a bartender and i am an engineering student. The last year we were in a LDR cuz i go to school out of town, about a 6 hour drive away.

 

Things were pretty good while we were together. we spoke on the phone at least once a day and we both did our best to visit one another whenevet possible. I had the choice of taking summer classes to try and get my degree done eariler but I missed her so much that i opted to come home and get a summer job so i could spend some time with her. Before i came home we decided to book a week long trip to cuba together, just the two ofus. I was really excited to spend some alone time with her because even when I'm home she is very close with her roommate and we hardly spent any time together without her roommate being there. I was ok with this. I told her when we got together that i didnt want to come between her and her roommate (her roommate is also a girl fyi).

 

Anyways, before i came home from school, she kept telling me on the phone how she was hanging out with this new group of guys that she met through her roommate and other friends. She kept saying how great they were and how i would love them when i met them. this made me a little uncomfortable but i just kept my fingers crossed that it wouldnt get to the point where shed consider cheating on me and that when i came home shed be so happy when I came home that shed sort of forget these guys.

 

So when we finally went to Cuba together, it wasn't a great trip. I could tell something was up. She wasn't as loving as she used to be and was sort of indifferent to having me around. I could tell where this was going.

 

Anyways when we came home our 2 year anniversary was a few days later. I mentioned we should go for dinner to celebrate but she said she had to work. Eariler in the day she sent me a text and said she got her shift covered and we should go out for dinner.I was really hapoy that she would do that and asked her what time she wanted to go for dinner. she replied and said we should go as early as possible cuz theae guys she had need hanging out with were having a bbq later that night and that we should go. This sort of broke my heart because i felt like our anniversary should be our day and it felt like ahe got her shift covered just so that she could go to the bbq and wanted to get the dinnerbover with. She could tell i was sort of pissed off about this and opted to stay home and watch a movie with me. I said if she wanted to go to the bbq we should go and ahe just kept saying that she knew i didnt want to and that she was "fine" with just hanging out with me. Its not that I didn't want to go but i felt unwanted and couldn't believe she didnt want to celebrate our 2 years with me.

 

Anyways, there's more to the story but ill cut some stuff out. shr broke up with me not long after that. I was pretty devastated becausr i loved this girl and would have given her the moon if i could. Recently I found out she is seeing one of these guys now. That really stung. I've been in a funk since i found out. We've only apoken to eachother twice briefly aince we broke up and she seems to be happy so I guess it has gotten to the point where i need to realize its really over. I had read forums on ls about how irs just beat to diatance yourself from her life and she might begin to miss you and try to contact you. She didnt. We've had no contact at all for around 2 weeks now.

 

 

Long story short I just can't seem to shake it. I feel rejected, depressed and lonely. The fact that she is with this other guy really hurts too. I dunno I've read all the advixe on ls about moving on and i guess thats what im trying to do. There's like 30% of me still holding on to a glimmer of hope that maybe this guy will break her heart and she'll contact me but I know this is not gunna happen. We were so close for two years and now shes just a figmint of my imagination. That is what is making this so hard. She was preparing to break up with me weekday before i came home from school.

 

Anyways im just kind of rambling now. I feel like s***. I dont try and contact her or anything cuz i know that would just make things worse but any advice or words of support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

[WordvAction]

Hey buddy, I've been where you were; knowing that the girl I "thought" I loved was with someone else and trying to let go of the hope that somehow she'll find her way back to you. I got through it, and so will you.

First, and congrats on doing this, stick to NC. It is the only way that you can get rid of your addiction that is your ex. Next, you have to realize this is not the same girl you fell in love with. She's a different person, and not marriage material from what you tell me. Finally, you need to start going out there and meeting new people. You don't even have to start dating again. Just start meeting to new girls so that you can realize that there are better ones out there then one that enjoys getting gang-banged by a group of guys.

Best of luck to you

[Gulf-Delta]

I have yet to reach that point...

 

It's not due to a longing, or desperation...it's a matter of confusion. I know what I've experience with my ex, and I know how she is and that makes everything all the more confusing.

 

The human mind is a nutty thing. Sure, you can be black and white about it and say "her actions mean she wants nothing to do with you." But people, especially when emotions are involved, are not so easy to define or read.

 

I've always been great at reading people...exceptionally good at it, actually. Only recently has my ex given me trouble.

 

I know how she is, however, her motives are hard to read. So I've just sorta given up. I love her, and that I'll never let go of. But you start to realize there's nothing you can do.

 

It all just boils down to accepting the reality. It's hard and I have to snap myself out of the clouds almost everyday. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. Especially when I see her/her car in traffic around town (has happened a few times). I have good memories in that car. I remember helping her fix it and teaching her mechanic stuff.

 

But the thing is, as much as I love her, she needs to find herself. She grew up sheltered. She's young. She's in college trying to find her career. She was a child when we were together, and she's growing up. I'm not demeaning her, it's the truth. We were both children, and we grew apart.

 

Does she love me? Don't know. Is she dating someone else? Don't know, don't care. Not my problem, she needs her time to do whatever and so do I. We're still on okay terms, there's no hate or bad blood. She's doing her own thing, I'm doing mine. If and when she wants to talk, ok.

 

I just have faith that we shared something special and I know she won't forget that.

 

But my main point here, aside from my rambling is, you don't have to stop caring or loving her. You just gotta snap yourself out of your trance, and live each moment in the now. We've already experienced the past...the future can't be predicted or controlled...the present is the only thing we can actually fix. It's okay to think about what was, or may be...it's okay to think, theorize or postulate...but when it comes to expending actual energy and time, it's important to focus on the now too.

[magneet]

hang in there mate. this forum will give you all the support. as they say, time is the answer

[Rudyruude]

Thanks guys. If anything its nice to know other people go through this kind of stuff too. Like I said I've gone through the whole "i can't believe she would throw this away" phase but it still hurts...alot. she hasnt even tried to talk to me and I'm not an idiot so i can take a hint. Fortunatley i havent done what people say not to do as far as try to make contact. She knows my number and if she wants to talk she knows how to gey a hold of me. just sucks. I guess you could say this was my first real love so I can understand why I feel like I do. I feel like im just in a constant state of shock and disbelief. She is definatley not the girl I fell in love with. We always said how we were meant for eachother...i guess its my fauly for falling for her bs...lesson learned I guess

[Warrior]

wow, what a bad girl man, it is amazing

[Tyler.]

These guys are right man, over time you'll start to realise more and more how badly she treated you and there are millions of people out there that actually won't take you for granted and value you. BTW her moving on so fast, and with one of those guys, means that there is a pretty big possibility that she cheated. Sorry to tell you this but it is what it is. Now you should be able to see more clearly, a girl that lied and most likely cheated on you doesn't deserve the time you spend thinking of her. There are tons of horrible people out there and she chose to be one of them. So **** it, move on. I know it hurts, and believe me i've been there. She told you she loved you and it would last forever, but probably did lots of things behind your back. So that makes her a liar and stick with me here, YOU DON'T DESERVE A LIAR! Stay strong and when the girl of your dreams comes, you'll be glad you did it and will actually ask yourself, what the hell was i thinking going out with a girl like that, compared to your significant other, she'll be nothing.

Don't contact her because after all this, whatever you see will only hurt you. Just focus on improving yourself ; work out, focus on your career and meet new people. There is a gigantic world out there with limitless options. She wasn't the only one and after all you've written, she wasn't even a nice person.

Say good writtens and move on dude. You're better than her, and you deserve better.

[Rudyruude]

You know what's crazy, is I know all this. I know she's a bad person for what she did. She wasn't that way when i met her but as soon as she became a bartender I could sense her changing. And as bad as she did me wrong, I feel like i still have a place in my heart for her which is nuts! My brain is telling me I'm crazy but I just cant seem to let go. Its not as bad as when the bu was fresh but I keep noticing that whenever my phone vibrates my first thought is "maybe its her!" It never is. I'm just shocked that after two years all it took was a quick 5 min conversation and now I will probably never see/hear her ever again. As horrible of a person that she is, that breaks my heart. I loved her unconditionally. She had 2 abortions even prior to meeting me and she had cheated on every one of her previous boyfriends. I know people are gunna say I was crazy for trusting her in the first place and I'm well aware of this fact but she convinced me that she had changed and grown up and loved me too much to do something like that to me. After the breakup she even expressed to a friend of mine that she had been so faithful to me when i was away at school like she wanted a f***ing cookie or something! I dunno I'm not looking for you guys to magically take away the pain or fix my problems for me. I'm just looking gor a little support and experiences with similar scenerios cuz i have been feeling pretty lonely since and LS definatley helps. Thanks fot the responses guys. Keep em coming

[salmagundi]

Man, I feel for you,

 

And i can understand how things changed when she became a bartender. I'm a bartender and let me tell you, girls hit on me all the time...it used to make myex reallyinsecure (even though I never ever reciprocated, I wasn't interested). But obviously your ex was. Once she got that job she probably felt like a kid in a candy store. She saw her options expand exponentially. Which sucks, I could never imagine a relationship with someone I met in a bar...

 

But at least it seems to have sunk in that she treated you like crap so it won't be long until you don't even want her anymore and you're glad she's gone, she sounds like a nightmare...

[Tyler.]

You know what's crazy, is I know all this. I know she's a bad person for what she did. She wasn't that way when i met her but as soon as she became a bartender I could sense her changing. And as bad as she did me wrong, I feel like i still have a place in my heart for her which is nuts! My brain is telling me I'm crazy but I just cant seem to let go. Its not as bad as when the bu was fresh but I keep noticing that whenever my phone vibrates my first thought is "maybe its her!" It never is. I'm just shocked that after two years all it took was a quick 5 min conversation and now I will probably never see/hear her ever again. As horrible of a person that she is, that breaks my heart. I loved her unconditionally. She had 2 abortions even prior to meeting me and she had cheated on every one of her previous boyfriends. I know people are gunna say I was crazy for trusting her in the first place and I'm well aware of this fact but she convinced me that she had changed and grown up and loved me too much to do something like that to me. After the breakup she even expressed to a friend of mine that she had been so faithful to me when i was away at school like she wanted a f***ing cookie or something! I dunno I'm not looking for you guys to magically take away the pain or fix my problems for me. I'm just looking gor a little support and experiences with similar scenerios cuz i have been feeling pretty lonely since and LS definatley helps. Thanks fot the responses guys. Keep em coming

 

The reason you still have a place in your heart for her is that you still remember the good times with her. You remember being with her before this bartending job and before she changed. I know that feeling, i've had a similar experience. You know she changed but it has to really sink in, because we sometimes tend to focus on only one aspect of the relationship. Ask yourself this, in the beginning of the relationship, would she do those things to you ? Like did she act shady, talk to other guys etc ? I'm guessing no. Because if she did, you wouldn't have stuck around. But as the time went on, she began to change. Do all these bad things to you and hurt you. So what you should be thinking of right now is, she's not the same person anymore. Even if she realised her mistakes and tried to reconcile, you can't overlook the fact that she made you miserable. So even if you guys get back together ( don't, you deserve so much better! ), you can't just forget all those things she did.

She changed, she is not the same person you fell in love with. It's not your fault, we all make our own choices and stick to them. You could have cheated, lied, abused her but you didn't. And in return, she should have done the same. If not, she doesn't deserve you. Move on dude, i know your pain but the best thing you can do for yourself is moving on. It wasn't your fault, she made a mistake and she should live with it.

There are millions of reasons to be happy. Live life.And sometimes what motivates me to be happy is just to rub it in her face Just to tell her that, yeah you've hurt me, but i'm still alive. Improve yourself so you'll be better than her next guy, so she'll know what she's missing and CAN'T HAVE. You're better than her, just by not cheating or lying, you're a better person than her. Don't forget that.