Why do i still care about her? what can I do? (Updated)

[polaske93]

I was with her for 8 months, we spent 3 of those months apart, and I was so happy with her. After the first month we split because I found out she was still in love with and talking to her ex of 4 years. She called me a month later begging me back. She promised it would be better so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, around that time I moved out of state for a new opportunity. While I was there fot a few months we talked everynight for hours. If we weren't on the phone we were texting. It was the highlight of my day to talk to her before I fell asleep. I was head over heels in love so I gave up my new life to come back to my depressing hometown to be with her.

 

As soon as I arrived I knew something was different she seemed alot less affectionate, and would never have sex with me after I was away for 3 months. We argued, and we're very un happy for about a month before she broke up with me. She said that "she needed to focus on herself, and shouldn't be in a relationship right now." A few days later she started calling me and texting me telling me she missed me, asking me to hangout. After a week I caved and went to see her, which turned into me catching feelings and false hope. I told her I couldn't do this anymore and she got sad and told me she could still fall in love with me, that it wasn't fair to her. The next day I saw her and my friend were flirting on instagram and it destroyed me. I didn't know how she could be so cruel, this wasn't the woman I knew.

 

I asked her bestfriend how she felt about the situation since her friend was talking to the friend my ex was flirting with.. her friend told me it was wrong and she understood why I was so hurt. She then told me that my ex had been talking to her ex since I moved bavk and is planning on being with him when he finishes this semester since he is out of state. It hurt me so bad to know that she did all of this to me. Since I always expected she was cheating on me while I was away. The thing is she is even cheating on her ex she left me for with other guys, and continuing to hit up my friend, and even me.. I don't understand after all of this I still miss her so much, as badly as she treated me and destroyed my heart.

 

I still constantly think about her and wish that she could just be happy in my arms. She had a terrible childhood her dad is a drug addict that tormented her and her family since she was a baby. And her mom treats her horribly. I know her issues with men stems from all of this because deep down inside I know she is an amazing person with a huge heart.. what should I do? All I can do is think about her, and I keep texting her when I need to just leave her alone.

 

I deleted her number and deleted her from everything but I have her number memorized so I can't control myself and end up calling her or messaging her. Help me please

Edited September 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Itspointless]

Hey man, I am sorry you have to go through this. I am afraid that her behaviour will not change much, as probably her issues - as you have guessed - stem from her childhood. See for example http://aia.berkeley.edu/media/pdf/attachment_recovery.pdf page 11 the secton on 'attachment problems in young children from substance abuse affected families'.

 

The thing you can do is tell yourself that this is who she is, we can't change people with such patterns into healthy individuals. It will hurt for a while, but you deserve someone who is stable and chooses solely for you.

[Ronni_W]

See for example...page 11 the secton on 'attachment problems in young children from substance abuse affected families'.

That's a handy resource, Itspointless...thanks for sharing.

 

polaske, pages 9 through 11 (before the section Itspointless mentions), are also worth exploring as it might give you some insight into your own attachment to your ex. Not only you, though...I think many who struggle with letting go after a relationship ends will be able to identify to varying degrees.

[Itspointless]

That's a handy resource, Itspointless...thanks for sharing.

Your welcome.

pages 9 through 11 (before the section Itspointless mentions), are also worth exploring as it might give you some insight into your own attachment to your ex. Not only you, though...I think many who struggle with letting go after a relationship ends will be able to identify to varying degrees.

Yes I should have mentioned that. On the internet there is lots to find about attachment theory for adults and also many interesting books, like: 'Mentalizing in the Development and Treatment of Attachment Trauma' by Jon G. Allen. But perhaps it is best to start with this test: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

Edited September 20, 2014 by Itspointless

[polaske93]

I found out a few days ago somebody I thought was a good friend is talking to my ex that just broke my heart.. she broke up with me about a month ago. It destroyed me because I was so in love with this person, I gave up everything to move to be with her. We only lasted a month, because she was cheating on me the whole time with her ex. If all of that didn't destroy me enough now I see that her and my friend I introduced to her are talking. Its put me into a terrible depression, I woke up this morning crying and freaking out. I can't help but to think of them having sex, or even showing any affection towards eachother. Right now I'm at work and I just want to cry I feel terrible. Why would she do this to me. Why do i still miss her and care so much. I'm just so hurt..

[JDPT]

The reality of it is that regardless of them talking to each other, any that you generate in your head are nothing more than speculations and fictitious scenarios. Of course I understand how you feel, the thought alone can knock the wind out of you but keep in mind that you don't need to ruminate, you don't need to waste you time and energy in wondering what they could possibly be doing, it's out of your jurisdiction, the relationship is over. Turn this bit of energy and make it work to your favor. Use it to better yourself and propel yourself forward. You will come out of this bad situation and will be able to breathe again. Don't allow yourself to confabulate thoughts, they are nothing more than thoughts.

[polaske93]

I was dating this girl for 8 months, for 3 of those months I was put of state. While I was gone she manipulated me into thinking she loved me. She begged for me to come back and be with her. So I did, as soon as I arrived I felt in my gut she was sleeping with someone else. It put me into a depression because I hate this city, and she was acting very distant. After about 3 weeks she broke up with me telling me she needed to work on herself blah blah blah. However she kept calling and texting me after the breakup calling me babe, and making moves on me. I was catching feelings ans she started to back off again..

 

Here's where it gets fun, I come t find out through some detective work that she is now ****ing one of my best friends. She actually seems to have planned all this from the first time she met him and we were still together. She made her best friend talk to him, after those 2 hooked up. Apparently my ex kept asking her friend if he had a big dick and all of that. While we were still together. She broke up with me and started ****ing him.. now I was torn up about this so I tell her friend who gets furious too because she really liked this guy. Her friend came out and admitted to me that my ex was cheating on me with someone a few weeks before I moved back for her. She also said that while I was gone she had sex with at least 5 other guys, talked to alot more including another one of my friends.. idk what to do or how to cope with this.. she was my first 'love' my first girl that I invested time and effort into building a relationship. . And she did me as dirty as humanly possible. Now I'm depressed, upset, it's a roller coaster of emotions I keep texting her and she won't respond. I tried calling and apparently she blocked my number. I just don't understand what any of this was about she was never in a relationship with me. She cheated the whole time and pissed on my heart. Now I find out she left me for my friend because he has a big dick..