Losing Control

[atcq420]

I had an emotional affair with my wife's neice and she saw one of our conversations via text. She ran off and filed divorce papers within 48 hours. She has not left the house and we are still living together, but we're not really talking about anything. She doesn't even want to talk about potentially reconciling. I've completely stopped talking to the OW and I've even showed her proof that I want nothing to do with her. I told her that I don't love the OW and never did. Through soul searching and trying to figure out why I did what I did, I've discovered that it came down to low self esteem and the need for validation, which the OW was giving me. It was like a drug and my therapist even confirmed that the new relationship and the validation I was getting from it can be a "potent cocktail".

 

I just don't get why she can't understand that my actions are deeply rooted in the anxiety/depression and low self esteem I have. I'm seeking help for it and have been.

 

I asked her if she loves me and she said "what does that even mean".....

 

I really do love her and want to save my marriage. Any advice? Why was she so quick to file for divorce and why won't see go to counseling with me?

[Satu]

 

I just don't get why she can't understand that my actions are deeply rooted in the anxiety/depression and low self esteem I have. I'm seeking help for it and have been.

 

I asked her if she loves me and she said "what does that even mean".....

 

I really do love her and want to save my marriage. Any advice? Why was she so quick to file for divorce and why won't see go to counseling with me?

 

I understand her reaction.

 

Why is it that you don't?

[WonderWoman911]

I understand her reaction. Why is it that you don't?

 

 

I agree. If you did that to her and you say that you love her, she's confused on your meaning of love. She probably wants to file for divorce so quickly and not go to any counseling because all of that could have been enough to tip her off of the edge and be done with you. And since you have low self-esteem and need validation, how is she suppose to know that you won't run off on her again. Another thing that may have angered her tremendously is how it could have been any woman in the world, but you chose her niece. That's a huge pill to even try to swallow or can't.

[LoveMyCat]

I had an emotional affair with my wife's neice and she saw one of our conversations via text. She ran off and filed divorce papers within 48 hours. She has not left the house and we are still living together, but we're not really talking about anything. She doesn't even want to talk about potentially reconciling. I've completely stopped talking to the OW and I've even showed her proof that I want nothing to do with her. I told her that I don't love the OW and never did. Through soul searching and trying to figure out why I did what I did, I've discovered that it came down to low self esteem and the need for validation, which the OW was giving me. It was like a drug and my therapist even confirmed that the new relationship and the validation I was getting from it can be a "potent cocktail".

 

I just don't get why she can't understand that my actions are deeply rooted in the anxiety/depression and low self esteem I have. I'm seeking help for it and have been.

 

I asked her if she loves me and she said "what does that even mean".....

 

I really do love her and want to save my marriage. Any advice? Why was she so quick to file for divorce and why won't see go to counseling with me?

 

Many women (myself included) feel that any type of affair is a deal breaker. Emotional affairs, as they are called, can be more hurtful and as damaging as physical affairs. Fidelity is the cornerstone of a marriage..."forsaking all others" means just that.

 

Maybe she will change her mind, maybe she won't. But your low self-esteem may be your reason for cheating, yet it is not a valid excuse. Personally I would be destroyed if my husband had cheated in any fashion (to my knowledge, he never did and we separated for other reasons). I would be unable to trust him again.

 

I guess you can only wait and see if she shows any indication of deciding not to follow through with a divorce. But I would not count on it. The idea of involving yourself with your wife's niece only makes thing worse, in my opinion.

[atcq420]

My anxiety/depression is NO excuse for my behavior, but I feel like I have answers to why I did what I did. I have an addictive personality and just like a heroin addict, I lied and did whatever I had to, to keep feeling good. I have been dealing with stress/anxiety/depression related health issues for 7 years now. Not sure if its from running a successful business or what, but its debilitating from a social standpoint.

 

I didn't realize it until I started seeing a therapist that I've been doing various things to make me feel better about myself... gambling, smoking, pornography etc. When I first met the OW, I knew I was attracted to her (when I first saw her, I almost thought I was looking at my wife, thats how similar they look), but I admired from afar. There was some family drama that involved the OW and my mother in law and I stood up for her because the Mother In Law was excluding her from family events. It started a bunch of drama in the family and as a result, it brought me and the OW closer. Mostly just text messaging to discuss the drama. The relationship was completely platonic up until one night (the day after thanksgiving) when she was super drunk and texted me that she can't get enough of me and she was thinking about me in a sexual way. I told her that night that she was drunk and that we shouldn't be talking that way. But it continued and I gave in. I guess because it made me feel good.

 

My point is, is my wife knows that I've been dealing with anxiety/depression and it is likely a catalyst behind my behavior. I guess I'm looking for her to walk a mile in my shoes and see that maybe my issues led me to behave this way.

[atcq420]

I agree. If you did that to her and you say that you love her, she's confused on your meaning of love. She probably wants to file for divorce so quickly and not go to any counseling because all of that could have been enough to tip her off of the edge and be done with you. And since you have low self-esteem and need validation, how is she suppose to know that you won't run off on her again. Another thing that may have angered her tremendously is how it could have been any woman in the world, but you chose her niece. That's a huge pill to even try to swallow or can't.

 

Because I know I can change. Wanting to change is step 1 and recognizing what needs to be changed is step 2. I'm seeing a therapist to help me with these issues, I'm working with a holistic dietician to help me with my health issues and even doing neurofeedback with my chiropractor to help with my anxiety issues. I had high self esteem at one point, that how I had enough confidence to ask her out. After I met her, I totally stopped talking to my friends and made my life all about her.

[trippi1432]

That person, that you are essentially being dismissive of, was your niece. While it's great that you are figuring out your issues, the ones you are pin-pointing aren't the only ones.

 

The fact that you now refer to your own niece as an OW means it went further than you have admitted.

[atcq420]

It took her two weeks to fill out the first round of forms from the lawyers. She said that it took that long because she had questions for the lawyers and because the forms are confusing, that you need to be an accountant to do any of it. She also hasn't left the house. We still eat meals together and we're still working together. She has not canceled the cleaning service. She eats food that I make for us with me (even though she could eat it anywhere else). She says she forgives me and doesn't hate me, but she doesn't want to hear any of my "excuses". So many mixed signals.

 

I'm being civil and calm, letting her know that I love her and that I want to be with her even though I know it may not be possible for her.

[atcq420]

That person, that you are essentially being dismissive of, was your niece. While it's great that you are figuring out your issues, the ones you are pin-pointing aren't the only ones.

 

The fact that you now refer to your own niece as an OW means it went further than you have admitted.

 

I referred to her as the OW because I've spent the last 3 weeks reading forums and have seen that this is how they refer to the "other woman". I'm not sure what else to call her. I never slept with her. We did kiss on two occasions, but we were drunk.

[Satu]

You come over as being very selfish and unconcerned about the pain your wife is going through. I see a lack of empathy in you.

 

What you write is all about you, your needs, your problems, what you want to happen.

 

Stop thinking about yourself and think about your wife.

[LoveMyCat]

Because I know I can change. Wanting to change is step 1 and recognizing what needs to be changed is step 2. I'm seeing a therapist to help me with these issues, I'm working with a holistic dietician to help me with my health issues and even doing neurofeedback with my chiropractor to help with my anxiety issues. I had high self esteem at one point, that how I had enough confidence to ask her out. After I met her, I totally stopped talking to my friends and made my life all about her.

 

What happens next is totally up to your wife.

You should go ahead with counseling or therapy either way...not just to get your wife back. Also, making your whole life all about one person is always a bad idea. It is not good for you and puts way too much pressure on the other person. Giving up your friends did you no favors...don't understand that at all. Everyone need more than one person in their life. If she was okay with that, she may have counted too much on your relationship as well, and your betrayal would be that much harder to forgive.

[trippi1432]

I referred to her as the OW because I've spent the last 3 weeks reading forums and have seen that this is how they refer to the "other woman". I'm not sure what else to call her. I never slept with her. We did kiss on two occasions, but we were drunk.

 

You should stop "romanticizing" your niece to let you off the hook.

[Ralph79]

Look. Put yourself in your wife's shoes. Stop trying to justify your actions. Whatever the reasons behind them, you DID them. They are in themselves unforgivable unfortunately.

 

Marriage is a vow, a commitment that is constantly tested. Financially, morally, spiritually. You crossed the line. She has every right to leave you and if you care to save whatever shred of decency you have left , FOR HER SAKE, you will let her walk away.

 

Analyze what you just posted:

 

I've been doing various things to make me feel better about myself... gambling, smoking, pornography etc.

Do you think your wife didn't bear the brunt of this? You weren't the only one suffering this.

 

I almost thought I was looking at my wife, thats how similar they look

Younger you mean

 

I stood up for her because the Mother In Law was excluding her from family events

Gee I wonder why... She's messed up. And you allowed your lust to cloud your judgement.

 

But it continued and I gave in. I guess because it made me feel good.

And you want to avoid a divorce because it makes you feel bad. Life isn't so simple my friend. We need to have accountability for your actions or else our lives are worthless.

[atcq420]

You come over as being very selfish and unconcerned about the pain your wife is going through. I see a lack of empathy in you.

 

What you write is all about you, your needs, your problems, what you want to happen.

 

Stop thinking about yourself and think about your wife.

 

I put myself in her shoes all the time and I would probably be doing the same thing she is and acting the same way. Yes, at this moment I am thinking about me, you're 100% right, but I have been trying to do everything I can to make the process easier for her. Cleaning, making food, shopping, handling everything (like I always did) and doing my best to honor her requests for space.

 

What else can I do to "think about my wife"? At this point, I think the answer is "sit back and wait for the divorce to finalize", which I don't want. Is that the only thing I can do?

[atcq420]

You should stop "romanticizing" your niece to let you off the hook.

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

[Satu]

What else can I do to "think about my wife"? At this point, I think the answer is "sit back and wait for the divorce to finalize", which I don't want. *Is that the only thing I can do?

 

*You could honour her wishes, and help facilitate her departure.

 

Or your departure, if that's what she wants.

[WonderWoman911]

At this point, I think the answer is "sit back and wait for the divorce to finalize", which I don't want. Is that the only thing I can do?

 

Yes,it's the only thing you can do. The ball is in her court right now.

[atcq420]

Look. Put yourself in your wife's shoes. Stop trying to justify your actions. Whatever the reasons behind them, you DID them. They are in themselves unforgivable unfortunately.

 

Marriage is a vow, a commitment that is constantly tested. Financially, morally, spiritually. You crossed the line. She has every right to leave you and if you care to save whatever shred of decency you have left , FOR HER SAKE, you will let her walk away.

 

Analyze what you just posted:

 

 

Do you think your wife didn't bear the brunt of this? You weren't the only one suffering this.

 

 

Younger you mean

 

 

Gee I wonder why... She's messed up. And you allowed your lust to cloud your judgement.

 

 

And you want to avoid a divorce because it makes you feel bad. Life isn't so simple my friend. We need to have accountability for your actions or else our lives are worthless.

 

I stood up for her because I was left out as a child too, and I'm wired to show empathy for people that experience situations that I'm all too familiar with. I did this with good intentions and had no "plan" to sleep with her. It was not done out of lust, it was done out of love.

[trippi1432]

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

 

You still aren't in your wife's shoes. This "OW" you infer was her niece...her own blood relative. How would the shoes wear if the table's were turned. You would be as disgusted as she probably is.

 

Nieces look up to their uncles as role models......what is the age difference between you two?

[Satu]

The OP is a master of excuses and justifications.

 

-- (Unconvinced, Satu exits the thread.)

 

Bye.

[atcq420]

You still aren't in your wife's shoes. This "OW" you infer was her niece...her own blood relative. How would the shoes wear if the table's were turned. You would be as disgusted as she probably is.

 

Nieces look up to their uncles as role models......what is the age difference between you two?

 

The age difference is 4 years.

[Ralph79]

I stood up for her because I was left out as a child too, and I'm wired to show empathy for people that experience situations that I'm all too familiar with. I did this with good intentions and had no "plan" to sleep with her. It was not done out of lust, it was done out of love.

 

I meant you allowed LUST to get the better of you when you took her while she was DRUNK. That can't be LOVE no matter how you spin it.

 

If you truly loved your niece you would have realized that something like this will RUIN her life. She helped to ruin her Aunt's marriage. She'll have to live with that the rest of her life.

 

What did you think was going to happen when you sleep with the drunken relative or your wife?

 

Do you really think that anything other than the end of your marriage would have come from this?

 

I'm not angry or mad at you. You haven't done anything personal to me. But I'm trying to help you do the right thing.

[atcq420]

The OP is a master of excuses and justifications.

 

-- (Unconvinced, Satu exits the thread.)

 

Bye.

 

Sorry, Satu. I'm not trying to justify my behavior, I accept all accountability for my actions, just trying to get the whole story out there. What is OP?

[LoveMyCat]

The age difference is 4 years.

 

Still...what if she a thing going with a nephew of yours??

 

And really, your answer does not matter, as she has a right to her own response and feelings about what you did. So even if you say you would forgive her, it does not alter the fact that she still gets to choose her own response. You made a very poor choice...and may end up paying the ultimate price.

[atcq420]

I meant you allowed LUST to get the better of you when you took her while she was DRUNK. That can't be LOVE no matter how you spin it.

 

If you truly loved your niece you would have realized that something like this will RUIN her life. She helped to ruin her Aunt's marriage. She'll have to live with that the rest of her life.

 

What did you think was going to happen when you sleep with the drunken relative or your wife?

 

Do you really think that anything other than the end of your marriage would have come from this?

 

I'm not angry or mad at you. You haven't done anything personal to me. But I'm trying to help you do the right thing.

 

I did not sleep with her. And you are 100% right, I was obviously just being selfish and wanted to keep feeling good. Very good point. And I guess I justified my behavior at the beginning of the emotional affair because we technically weren't doing anything but talking romantically. We even discussed the possible outcome of what we were doing and agreed to stop multiple times, but one of us would always write back and say that we couldn't stop.

 

I know you're not mad at me. I totally appreciate the input and I'm sorry if I come across as trying to justify my behavior. I'm not really trying to do that. Just trying to get all the facts out there. I appreciate you shooting down anything I might consider a fact, obviously my view of the situation is skewed based on my selfishness.