Is there anyone still single and searching over 40, or am I all alone?

[ChampagnePearls]

So I'm 43, divorced 4 years ago because he decided he wanted to pursue other experiences (swinging, men, etc.), lost the house, 2 stepchildren, the dog and walked away from everyone we knew as "we" while married. Went through divorce hell, lived on my own with chocolate, movies, cigarettes and vodka as my best friends for a year and finally snapped out of it. Gave up the drink, quit smoking, got a new job and still can't seem to meet anyone.

 

Everyone my age seems to already be married with children--their lives are in full swing. Why does life for single & over 40 year olds seem to be nonexistant? I've noticed we seem to get dumped in a "baby boomer" classification and one of being "over-the-hill".

 

I am so depressed. The one single guy at work that's 45, asked me out on the first date I've had since the divorce only three months ago and he seems to have the mentality of a very immature man, going through a mid-life crisis and interested in spending time with all of his buddies or ranting about how Italian women are the sexiest in the world (I'm not Italian).

 

I just don't get it. I'm pretty, I have a great job, I'm educated, I don't have children, I'm healthy and I take care of myself. I never thought I'd end up by being divorced and having to start all over again at such an age where meeting anyone my age or older would be so difficult. Even all of my friends are married, have children and family commitments.

 

They don't even know anyone else single at my age or older. It's just so bizarre. I feel isolated on this island all alone.

[Don Ho]

Are you kidding? Maybe you need to expand your horizons; match.com, plentyoffish.com, get more active in Facebook, volunteer, get re-involved with your hobbies, take up dancing, go to church. I find a lot of women in their late thirties that got divorced a few years ago, are attractive and looking for men. There are available men out there. Don't use your age as an excuse. Get out there and see what happens.

[hopesndreams]

Men in their early 40's can be immature. Look toward someone late 40's, early 50's.

 

I've been on my own for 17 months, am 45 and the quality of men out there kinda stinks, sorry to say. Maybe we're just a bit more picky than most?

[OpenBook]

Go younger!!! :bunny:

[Stung]

I agree that you should expand your horizons, maybe you're not getting out there enough, or maybe it's your area? I know it's harder and more people are partnered up but in the city I live in, I know plenty of 40-plus singles and divorcees, and most of them are getting active in the dating scene again. My mother-in-law is a youthful sixty, a widow and grandmother of FIFTEEN grandkids and she has TWO gentlemen callers right now.

 

Try online dating. OkCupid is also a good site. Try doing some volunteer work, or taking a class. Go visit friends in another city. Have your married friends introduce you to their divorced/bachelor friends. Keep getting out there. You're definitely not alone.

[D-Lish]

I'm 40, been pretty much single for almost 7 years since my divorce. I've dated- had a year long relationship about 4 years ago, and an on again off again with someone for a year and a half that ended a few months back... But even being on the dating sites, I never see any guys over 40 that are attractive.

 

I tend to date younger, because I find guys my own age looking like my dad.

 

I don't look 40 ar all, but I don't look 30 either unfortunately. As far as my friend group goes, EVERYONE IS MARRIED WITH KIDS, ENGAGED, OR IN A RELATIONSHIP. My once active social circle that used to get together every weekend are all busy with kids...There is ONE other single guy in my friend group, and he has been asking me out, and I have been saying no thank you for ages...

 

It is hard- and I have shifted my priorities to my career.

That's where I am at now. I've really come to terms with the fact that I don't need a relationship in order to be fulfilled- it would be nice, because I am lonley, but I don't need it, and neither do you. I can see myself going to my grave single- and as much as I never imagined I would be where I am at now 10 years ago, when I stood at the alter and pledged my love for my exH...

 

I'd never settle at this point. I'd gladly go to my deathbed single rather than settle for a relationship just to fill a void. I've learned that it's better to be "alone", than it is to actually be IN a relationsip, and be lonley.

[ChampagnePearls]

Thank you, I will try doing some volunteer work, that's a great suggestion! I feel like I've been away from the dating scene for so long that I've forgotten how to get back into it again.

 

I actually met my ex-husband via an online dating site. I went on some pretty miserable dates through several of them (before I met him), with most of the people not matching how they described themselves or extremely arrogant and only looking for casual sex. Even my ex turned in to a very misrepresented individual who never revealed his true colors until shortly after we were married.

 

I'm very hesitant to give online dating another try, I would rather like to meet someone outside of a virtual world, face-to-face, and perhaps volunteering would be a start.

 

If I could get my married friends to introduce me to an eligible bachelor, I'd give it a go, but they all don't have any single friends other than me...I seem to be a bit of a rarity in my circle.

 

Sadly, there doesn't seem to be a shortage of married men who have offered they would be more than happy to have an extra-marital affair, but I'm not a home-wrecker and I have more respect for myself and relationships to go down that road.

 

It just seems so hard to get back in the whole singles scene at such a late age. I don't go clubbing any more and where do you meet someone in their late 40's to 50's?

[Fouts]

That's a tough one. Guys who ARE single in their 40's and have alot going on don't tend to date 40 yr old women. They attract women late 20's to mid 30's, so the leftover single one's in that age group generally aren't very attractive or have odd personalities.

 

Be patient and selective, you'll come across someone

[skydiveaddict]

They don't even know anyone else single at my age or older. It's just so bizarre. I feel isolated on this island all alone.

 

 

Don't feel alone, I'm still single too

[Disillusioned]

I'm 43, male, single, and straight... it's my experience that here in Los Angeles, single women are in such short supply that they can practically pick men from the trees if they want to.

[ChampagnePearls]

So I've been pondering what Fouts wrote about the single 40+ year olds that attract the 20-30 somethings. Why is that? Aside from the obvious physical attributes of youth, what is so appealing about a woman half their age that they can't find in someone my age? Does this mean I should be looking for someone in their 60's so that I'll seem appealing? I'm curious and a bit disheartend.

[BentSpine]

Why is it that you wouldn't go for a man half your age? You seem to limit yourself to a narrow age range: 40+ men. My guess, to your question, is that a beautiful type remains beautiful as we age, until the day when one begins to associate the type with uncomfortable experiences. If all beautiful 20+ women a man happen to meet never make him feel unpleasant, the feelings he associates with the type, won't change. So why have you stopped associating men half your age with attraction? I believe it's because you associate unpleasantness with the thought. But only you know what particular consequence would be so painful to make you rule the option out.

[Cee]

I'm 40 and a single woman. I know what you are talking about. I think humility is the most important quality to cultivate b/c you will be humbled by dating.

 

I have three guy single friends over 40 and as their pal I have become a bit discouraged. They go for women who are 10-15 years younger than them. One friend who's 44 is dating a 40 year old, but this woman is stunning - 6 feet tall, reed thin, looks 25 and is incredibly intelligent.

 

Sometimes I feel like a tree troll, but as they say, "If you can't beat them, join them." I've dated a fair share of younger men and it's been great fun. Although my 37-year old sister married a 28 year old man (still happy), I don't see a future with the younger guys I'm meeting.

 

Now I'm looking at guys my age for a LTR and it's really hard. Guys my age often want kids and I don't, so they pass on me for a 30 year old. And a lot of guys have kids already, which is fine, but they have little time for dating. I remember meeting a guy who was 48 who was really good looking and I thought "woo hoo" until I realized this guy knew he was good looking & I wasn't up to his standards. Boo hoo.

 

As for thinking 40 year old men as unattractive, I have loosened up my standards. If I keep thinking a 40 year old guy should look hot, then I'm kidding myself. I'm not hot either. But I'm cute and pretty and I try to find a guy who is cute and nice looking. It's an even match.

 

In the meantime, I enjoy being single. I have tons of interests and have a wide social life. In fact, it's hard to squeeze dating into my schedule.

[WalkInThePark]

I am 45 year old woman, never married, no children. Intelligent, pretty, slim, good income, stable,... Would love to share my life with a man but I have stopped looking for one. I hope it will just happen some day. I tried online dating but there are so many liars and idiots out there that I don't want to expose myself to this anymore. Few people are genuinely interested in getting to know someone. They want sex, fun, are afraid of commitment.

And yes a lot of guys in their 40-ies want a younger woman at all cost but do we want a man who is so immature?

All you can do is try to make your life as interesting as possible and hope that one day some man will come along.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

So I'm 43, divorced 4 years ago because he decided he wanted to pursue other experiences (swinging, men, etc.), lost the house, 2 stepchildren, the dog and walked away from everyone we knew as "we" while married. Went through divorce hell, lived on my own with chocolate, movies, cigarettes and vodka as my best friends for a year and finally snapped out of it. Gave up the drink, quit smoking, got a new job and still can't seem to meet anyone.

 

Everyone my age seems to already be married with children--their lives are in full swing. Why does life for single & over 40 year olds seem to be nonexistant? I've noticed we seem to get dumped in a "baby boomer" classification and one of being "over-the-hill".

 

I am so depressed. The one single guy at work that's 45, asked me out on the first date I've had since the divorce only three months ago and he seems to have the mentality of a very immature man, going through a mid-life crisis and interested in spending time with all of his buddies or ranting about how Italian women are the sexiest in the world (I'm not Italian).

 

I just don't get it. I'm pretty, I have a great job, I'm educated, I don't have children, I'm healthy and I take care of myself. I never thought I'd end up by being divorced and having to start all over again at such an age where meeting anyone my age or older would be so difficult. Even all of my friends are married, have children and family commitments.

 

They don't even know anyone else single at my age or older. It's just so bizarre. I feel isolated on this island all alone.

 

 

 

I don't think you need worry about the "still single" part. As you've already been married you are probably far more likely to marry again than is someone who is in fact "STILL single" past the age of 40.

 

Dang, you're not even a "baby boomer", so you are miscast...

 

 

I can't clearly assess whether you are making strides at overcoming the huge inner wounds caused by your investments in your ex. I understand that you have reversed some unhealthy reactions you had to it, but what about the inside?

 

I'm inclined to believe that you will get a social *hit* in some way before too long. It sure doesn't hurt to be pretty, have a great job, and be educated.

 

(too bad you can't apply school smarts to assure yourself that the numbers are going to lean your way soon)

[skydiveaddict]

So I've been pondering what Fouts wrote about the single 40+ year olds that attract the 20-30 somethings. Why is that? Aside from the obvious physical attributes of youth, what is so appealing about a woman half their age that they can't find in someone my age? Does this mean I should be looking for someone in their 60's so that I'll seem appealing? I'm curious and a bit disheartend.

 

 

I'm sure you could have pretty much anyone you wanted.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Why do the 40+ men go for women half their age?

 

 

 

Men were surveyed many years ago, perhaps in the early to mid 1990's, on the topic of what would be the ideal-aged woman for them.

 

 

The average answer was "half of his own age plus 7 years".

 

 

So the answer is that it is normal...

 

 

 

Now don't forget, while that answer works for a man sitting alone and single and randomly throwing a dart at a proverbial dart board with regard to what age woman he might like to (bang) at that moment... it remains very true that women of other ages, showing interest in him right then and there, can definitely get around that survey and its trends.

 

So at some point you will hopefully become more confident about and willing to make yourself vulnerable (emotionally, not physically) as you express interest in someone. The good ones will drop that instinct for young women, and the rest are guys you didn't want anyway.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It doesn't exactly mean "being together with a man of 76".

 

 

It means that "men of 76" are randomly answering an average of "45" to a question of:

 

 

"what age woman would be ideal marriage material for you?"

 

 

 

 

When you open up Cosmo tomorrow and read a random letter to the editor written by a 31yo woman who is with a man of 45... don't take that to mean so much. It is just random data, just like those old questions in high school relating to "how old is the bus driver?".

 

Cause yourself to meet more people of any age. Resolve to do that this week, or this month.

[Joe Normal]

So I've been pondering what Fouts wrote about the single 40+ year olds that attract the 20-30 somethings. Why is that? Aside from the obvious physical attributes of youth, what is so appealing about a woman half their age that they can't find in someone my age? Does this mean I should be looking for someone in their 60's so that I'll seem appealing? I'm curious and a bit disheartend.

 

The obvious difference is a women 20-30 something can have kids, someone 40+ by the time the relationship is that serious, is probably too old to have kids. So for guys who want to have kids, they have to stick to <40.

 

For guys who don't want kids (i.e. single dads), there's still the looks angle. It's a fact of life that women tend to date guys a bit older than themselves and vice versa. Older guys will often have more cash, job status, and so on, which many women value; whereas younger guys don't value job status or even cash in an older woman very much. Guys tend to go off looks and personality, and looks are a lot to do with youth.

 

IMO all this is a distraction. There are plenty of good-looking interesting guys your age or 5-10 years older, I don't think you have to aim at 60 year olds just yet! Maybe look at 45-55, although a few years either side for the right person would be fine too.

 

As for where to meet people - IMO you should make a big effort to revitalise your life and get out there doing things, if you do this than not only will you naturally meet people in normal settings, instead of artificial things like online dating, but you will also become more attractive because you'll be more active, have more life experiences, become more experienced and self-confident and so on. You'll get more of a zest for life and other people pick up on this.

 

Volunteer work is one example, another is pursuing artistic interests with like-minded people, another is travel. With the internet nowadays you can easily make contacts all over the world, and easily find people with similar interests to your own. Why not join a book club, film society, investment club, go do a self-defense course, join a gym. These will improve your life, make new friends, and also increase your chances of one of them being a romantic prospect - what's not to like?

 

Worst case, you stay single but have a lot more fun! And if you want, try online dating but only as a "backup plan" and only reply to people who you are genuinely interested in.

 

In short - focus on self-improvement and engaging with life and other people, and the dating prospects will come naturally.