Resentment toward men

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hey all! Me again.

 

Lately i've noticed and been forced to achknowledge, that I have this real lingering resentment towards men. I've always been cautious and weary of men because from the off my uncle used to always visit with women he was having affairs with. My uncle was a lovely man but straight away I basically got the impression that men were bull******* and not to be trusted. Then I just remember through school every boy that liked me...bullied me. A boy that used to like me ALOT used to force me to do his homework and punch me and then even when he turned nice I just thought...if this is how men treat you when they like you then NO THANKS. So straight away I had a guard up and a bad feeling about men. The third thing from my early life was my parents. They are both perfect parents and I love them to pieces but my dad behind the scenes is very disrespectful to my mum. My mum works, does the housework and has always cared for us. My dad works but does little at home (he cooks occassionally) and though he is a lovely man he had a very troubled childhood and I think (ironically) is very misogynistic. His mum put him in care at a young age and I think he has carried this hurt over into a lot of anger. My mum does EVERYTHING for all of us and yet my dad always has a criticism, never a thankyou. He is a very unemotional person or at least he tries to act it but his anger I think part of me has aquired. My mum is calm, collected and never reacts. Whether this is because she is passive or simply above it all i'm not sure. But this too has added to this feeling of resentment.

 

The three later life things that caused more anger have been 3 seperate displays of men and their carnivarous sexual urges. When I was in secondary school I had a tutor for maths who tutored me for months. Now at this point I was suffering panic attacks and anxiety so I was not the most attractive thing. I was vulnerable and nervous. He tutored me for months no problem. Then once when I was home alone, he started to make sexual advances on me and touched me. I froze completely. I didn't know how to react....it sounds silly but I was in such a retarded mental state anyway, I just froze and allowed this. I acted as normal until the end of the lesson and then cancelled future lessons. The fact he had been so nice to me for so long and then did that disgusted, shocked and knocked my trust even further. I didn't know whether I could trust my instincts about people anymore, as people have a way of manipulating and gaining your trust right up to the very end.

 

The second example was on holiday when a turkish man (in his 30's) pushed me downstairs and into his bedroom on a boat whilst my parents were upstairs looking at the top deck and tried to rape me. Again I was so shocked. My parents came down at the right moment and he acted like he was showing me around. Again...I felt complete disgust.

 

The third was a weird experience at a doctors surgery which I won't go into.

 

All of these experiences have coloured my views of men so much so that if I read a story of a man committing violence or abuse to another man, woman, animal or child I start to see this as mans natural nature. Women are the caring ones capable of love, and men just destroy. This is how my view has become. These stories, no matter how fabricated only add to my anger, as does music/movies where women are shown as only sex objects/stupid/materialistc. What happened to not hitting or disrespecting a woman? Society seems to go on a lot about hoes and money. I find this anger really hard to contain. I think of it like....you think women are cheap and disgusting and *****, but YOU'RE the one that wants to use them or rape them or hurt them - and somehow rather than something to be ashamed of, you glorifying in being a p...i...m....p or a 'dog' like you've achieved something.

 

I know there are nice, decent and loving men and also that not all of society or the media projects this view, but I have so much anger and in a way i'm afraid to let go of it because it's a protection and defence against the men that ARE like that.

 

What can I do to STOP being so, sometimes irrationally angry?

 

Just want to add, my dad always taught me that to say sorry was a weakness and as such when i'm in the wrong re. my boyfriend, I find it really difficult to say sorry, especially if it comes with me having making up to do etc because I feel I am being 'weak' or 'lowering myself'. I know that's not really how it is but it's almost a conditioned response.

 

These feelings of resentment come out a lot with my boyfriend, I suppose because he is the only 'acceptable' outlet. As much as I love him, the feelings of 'hate' for men come in sometimes and I know that this anger can only destroy love.

[kdark]

Watch Mister Roger's Neighborhood. It will give a new meaning to what a man really should be like.

[Green]

well you seem to have a problem. First off women do bad things to I mean I heard a story about a woman that used a baby gift registry to find a pregnant women then called the pregnant woman and told her she had some of her gift and she should come get it. Then when the pregnant woman came the other woman attacked her with a knife and was going to try to cut out the baby from the woman and act like she had given birth to the baby the one woman overpowered the other woman. Look that was kind of pointless or was it... the point is women do bad things too... and look at all the great things women do. Well men do great things also they are scientist that cure disease, musicians who make great music, artists who make great art ect. not every man is a rapist just like not every dog will bite you I mean some like to lick! Your Ilogical blanket hatred toward all men including your bf will only bring you more pain and make you vulnerable. Try to activly balance your thoughts ask yourself why you are mad at your bf before you react and if its irational relize your only going to cause pain for yourself. I know a woman who has a horible father and was raped by boyfriends and guess what she loves men and can barely stand women so life is a funny thing. Just don't let your life be run by hate

[Taramere]

All of these experiences have coloured my views of men so much so that if I read a story of a man committing violence or abuse to another man, woman, animal or child I start to see this as mans natural nature. Women are the caring ones capable of love, and men just destroy. This is how my view has become. These stories, no matter how fabricated only add to my anger, as does music/movies where women are shown as only sex objects/stupid/materialistc. What happened to not hitting or disrespecting a woman? Society seems to go on a lot about hoes and money. I find this anger really hard to contain. I think of it like....you think women are cheap and disgusting and *****, but YOU'RE the one that wants to use them or rape them or hurt them - and somehow rather than something to be ashamed of, you glorifying in being a p...i...m....p or a 'dog' like you've achieved something.

 

Some popular masculinist/misogynist thinking, like militant feminism/misandry, seems to arise from a hatred and a destructive urge - rather than from love of freedom and justice. What may have started off as a desire to make a better world becomes embittered and skewed. The person becomes the male/female counterpart to everything they profess to hate.

 

Both men and women are capable of hatred, violence and destruction. Being physically or emotionally abused, having a personality type that's predisposed to aggression that nobody has taught you to channel positively, abusing drugs or alcohol. A weak, malleable character hanging out with aggressive types and wanting to impress them. Being under stress - and, perhaps more than anything else, being afraid of life.

 

All these things can turn a potentially good person into someone who's at best unpleasant to be around, and at worst violent and antisocial. We're confronted on a daily with evidence of violent, destructive people and the mess they leave in their wake. Whether it's a murder victim, or a smashed up bus shelter....these are reminders that some people have no control over their violent, aggressive impulses. Or don't want to control them, because they like the feeling of losing control/destroying something. Of course it creates a negative response in you.

 

But, I agree with Green. It's your responsibility to balance the negative images and data you receive into your brain with positive ones. Feminism didn't occur purely as a result of female efforts. There were (and still are) men who essentially support feminism as a necessity in a modern, civilised society. There are men who mentor women in the workplace or in some cases (and I've seen it) are mentored by them. Men who refuse to subscribe to the belief that an opinion expressed by a woman or a book written by a woman isn't worth listening to/reading.

 

Men and women who collaborate together on medical and social projects that aim to improve other people's lives. Men and women who enhance eachothers lives professionally, culturally, romantically and socially. It sounds as though potentially your boyfriend will enhance your life greatly - if you don't permit the crappier aspects of life creep in and spoil it all that for you.

 

It's up to you to be disciplined and to reject an overload of toxic, negative data. Whether that means switching your reading habits or reducing the time you spend around certain people. It might mean developing far more control than you currently have over your thinking habits. It sounds as though at the moment you quickly allow your thoughts to get out of control and become negative. In a sense, that's not so different from the individual who allows his aggression to get out of control. Both types of behaviour have harmful consequences - albeit, your negative thinking habits are likely to harm only you and your immediate relationships. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy could be invaluable in helping you to manage your thoughts about some events from your childhood.

 

I hope that doesn't sound unsympathetic. In many ways I understand well where you're coming from. The media confronts us with a lot of images and messages that can leave you feeling, at times, that a woman really isn't a great thing to be. Learn to be a discerning consumer of the media, rather than its victim.

[Ronni_W]

Nikki,

Cognitive psychotherapy will help to sort out and self-manage some of what have become habitual "mental errors" (like seeing your b/f as an "acceptable" outlet for your unhealed wounds and traumas), and also give you tools to help you overcome you automatically resorting to your conditioned (maladaptive) responses.

 

Psychodynamic (insight-oriented) psychotherapy will help you work through those unhealed traumatic events. Ultimate goal would be to be able to "release" their toxic hold on you, gain a different perspective of both others' actions and your reactions, give a different meaning to specific events/situations, etc.

 

For example, the fact that you froze with that dysfunctional weirdo of a maths tutor. That is what your psyche felt was its best course of action in that moment. We will never know for sure but perhaps, if your psyche had chosen to 'do' something else, perhaps any active resistance on your part would have triggered him into even more violent behaviour.

 

From that perspective, your inaction is transformed from "retarded, silly" into the absolute wisest 'action'. Sometimes it is that we have a 'Higher Self' or Guardian Angel or whatever, influencing us into what is ultimately for own own best interests and safety.

 

There are also different perspectives for ALL the other dysfunctional stuff that is going on around us, that both men and women are engaging in.

Our awareness of the "why" of it doesn't make it any less dysfunctional, but it does help us find understanding, acceptance and forgiveness, which helps to eliminate rage and resentment.

 

In the meantime, though, your anger and resentment are valid feelings that are messaging you that there is some trauma being held in your mental and emotional bodies, and letting you know that it would be wise to take steps to resolve/dissolve them once and for all. (I can tell that you already know this, on the conscious/intellectual level...just that it may be time for you to do something more for yourself, about healing from it.)

 

Hugs and best of luck.

[OpenBook]

I find this anger really hard to contain. I think of it like....you think women are cheap and disgusting and *****, but YOU'RE the one that wants to use them or rape them or hurt them - and somehow rather than something to be ashamed of, you glorifying in being a p...i...m....p or a 'dog' like you've achieved something.

 

Amen, sister. There are a lot of women out there with these same thoughts about men, for the same reasons you're having them - because we've actually had to deal with men like that IRL. Don't think you're a freak. You're not. And I think it's amazing that you have a BF at all! That to me says you realize that not all men are awful, and that you're moving in the right direction in surmounting the terrible experiences you've had.

 

I think all men are capable of behaving like depraved animals toward women. I think it has something to do with all that testosterone, and "needing" sex like they do. But the majority of them are able to control themselves because they're basically decent human beings.

 

The shoe also fits on the other foot. Women are also capable of being absolute horrors (and again, I believe a lot of it has to do with hormones). But as with men, the majority of them are able to control themselves because they are decent human beings at heart.

 

We all have a dark side. Much of our lives is taken up in the struggle between the good and evil within our own souls. Maybe that's the reason why we're all here to begin with.

 

I think just realizing that everyone struggles, helps. Also, deliberately focusing on a practical and constructive task when a wave of anger hits, and (if possible) withdrawing from others until it passes. I go out and mow the lawn with a vengeance. It helps. And my yard looks great afterwards!

[darby1]

You have every right to be tainted.. the majority of men are selfish inconsiderate heartless hard on's with one thing on the mind. However.. be a little stronger and trust yourself a little more. You don't need to hold onto this anger to protect yourself if you trust yourself enough to avoid these acts of behavior and not entertain hatred. Basically.. you can protect yourself in healthier ways. Change your perspective.. instead of feeling victumtized (sp?) which causes anger, Feel sorry for them instead for their primitive ways. Expect that they will do these hurtful things without taking it so personally.. men are dumb asses! I say it with laughter! A woman is capable of loving him in every way he dreams and he keeps messing it up without a clue why. It must be agrivating for them to be so clueless. The men who do those kinds of things to women are unsatisfyed with themselves and pathetic. Use love to fight back.. compassion for their sad ways.. instead of I hate you.. Try.. I wish you the best of luck in finding peace without inflicting pain.. - you sorry piece of **** (jk). i might not be such a good help with this topic.

[Dirkus]

the majority of men are selfish inconsiderate heartless hard on's with one thing on the mind. Expect that they will do these hurtful things without taking it so personally.. men are dumb asses! ...It must be agrivating for them to be so clueless.

 

This is the most offensive/ridiculous post I've read on this board. Do you kiss your kids with that prejudiced mouth? Replace the word men with a racial or religious epithet and access how distasteful your comment is.

 

This poor girl has been traumatized and has clearly been affected by some extremely ugly hearted men. She posts looking for ways to get past the idea that not all men are as evil as the ones she unfortunately encountered. And you respond by saying sorry most men are as bad as her rapist!

 

It's disheartening to know sexism is so liberally advocated. I suppose if it's leveled at men it's perfectly acceptable. What a repugnant double standard.

[You'reasian]

I know there are nice, decent and loving men and also that not all of society or the media projects this view, but...

These feelings of resentment come out a lot with my boyfriend, I suppose because he is the only 'acceptable' outlet. As much as I love him, the feelings of 'hate' for men come in sometimes and I know that this anger can only destroy love.

 

Nice guys generally become players or jerks, the longer they date - that's just a fact. Why? I think extended amounts of time dating hardens their hearts.

 

Yeah, you shouldn't resent your bf. Good luck working this out with him.

[kizik]

Nikki,

 

I agree with Ronni in that therapy is a good idea. I'm a guy, and I like women quite a bit... but I'm in therapy just because it is so important to be able to talk to someone deeply for at least one hour, once a week. My therapist is female and quite intelligent and helpful.

 

Plus, she charges $40, which I think you'll find is a reasonable rate.

[clv0116]

Just want to add, my dad always taught me that to say sorry was a weakness ...

 

Wow. I'm not sure what to say.

[Nikki Sahagin]

This is the most offensive/ridiculous post I've read on this board. Do you kiss your kids with that prejudiced mouth? Replace the word men with a racial or religious epithet and access how distasteful your comment is.

 

This poor girl has been traumatized and has clearly been affected by some extremely ugly hearted men. She posts looking for ways to get past the idea that not all men are as evil as the ones she unfortunately encountered. And you respond by saying sorry most men are as bad as her rapist!

 

It's disheartening to know sexism is so liberally advocated. I suppose if it's leveled at men it's perfectly acceptable. What a repugnant double standard.

 

Hiya - thankyou for your post! Just wanted to clarify I wasn't raped - would not want that to be misinterpreted!

[abrown5]

Hey Nikki,

 

Though I have not had any especially traumatic experiences with men the way you have, I have had minor, unpleasant experiences (e.g. being hit on in an aggressive, overtly sexual manner, being masturbated as a 12-yr-old at a lake, being looked at in an obviously sexual way). My mother and father also have a similar relationship to yours. My father is also of the mindset that his sons can have sex with anyone, anywhere, at any time. While I, at 21-years-old, can't even be in a room alone with a guy.

 

Those experiences, mingled with the disgusting displays of women in music videos, on television, and in the movies (not to mention the overwhelming popularity of porn on the internet), and, honestly, I feel all of these resentful feelings towards men that you do. I also have a boyfriend that I am in love with, but sometimes I question his motives, his reasons for "loving me". And I get angry with him when he reacts positively towards the derogatory way women are presented in the media.

 

I hope you get this message. I actually typed "resentment of men" into Google and found your thread. I was just so relieved to have found someone with similar views and experiences. How are you coping these days?

 

Angela

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hey Nikki,

 

Though I have not had any especially traumatic experiences with men the way you have, I have had minor, unpleasant experiences (e.g. being hit on in an aggressive, overtly sexual manner, being masturbated as a 12-yr-old at a lake, being looked at in an obviously sexual way). My mother and father also have a similar relationship to yours. My father is also of the mindset that his sons can have sex with anyone, anywhere, at any time. While I, at 21-years-old, can't even be in a room alone with a guy.

 

Those experiences, mingled with the disgusting displays of women in music videos, on television, and in the movies (not to mention the overwhelming popularity of porn on the internet), and, honestly, I feel all of these resentful feelings towards men that you do. I also have a boyfriend that I am in love with, but sometimes I question his motives, his reasons for "loving me". And I get angry with him when he reacts positively towards the derogatory way women are presented in the media.

 

I hope you get this message. I actually typed "resentment of men" into Google and found your thread. I was just so relieved to have found someone with similar views and experiences. How are you coping these days?

 

Angela

 

Oh wow thankyou so much for replying I don't mean I hate men in a feminist, crazy kind of way as i'm sure many people will have interpreted it...so its nice to see some understanding from people.

 

I too hate all the music video/movies rubbish. It makes me feel like I just can't let go around a man. It also makes me feel some disdain towards women who go out of their way to buy into all this nonsense about what being a woman is. I think its a really hard 'afflication' to deal with. Its a type of conditioning in a way. Our negative experiences make us feel this way. It is sometimes really hard to deal with. There are days when I hate men. I almost wish I was one just so I couldn't hate them that much. Its hard to deal with and completely illogical but I guess experience colours reason. How about you?

[kizik]

I've got some issues with women, but I try to keep said issues in check. After all, just b/c my ex-GF was a bitch doesn't mean all women are. Having said that, a lot of young girls I see around campus are SO snotty, rude, and full of their boring, crappy personalities that it makes me wanna f*ckin puke.

[sally4sara]

Oh wow thankyou so much for replying I don't mean I hate men in a feminist, crazy kind of way as i'm sure many people will have interpreted it...so its nice to see some understanding from people.

 

I too hate all the music video/movies rubbish. It makes me feel like I just can't let go around a man. It also makes me feel some disdain towards women who go out of their way to buy into all this nonsense about what being a woman is. I think its a really hard 'afflication' to deal with. Its a type of conditioning in a way. Our negative experiences make us feel this way. It is sometimes really hard to deal with. There are days when I hate men. I almost wish I was one just so I couldn't hate them that much. Its hard to deal with and completely illogical but I guess experience colours reason. How about you?

 

There is nothing hateful about being a feminist. Being hateful is about being hateful. You don't even need to be a female to be a feminist. I wish more people realized that this is an everyone issue. When men act like the ones who harmed you acted, they soil the face of their gender. They limit other men as well as victimize women. More attention needs to be given to how we raise our kids. It IS truly obvious in our methods of entertainment as well as how each gender identifies themselves.

If you ask a man what it is to be a man, he usually cannot describe it without comparing himself to women. The adjectives used are not descriptions only applicable to men and entirely unsuited to women. It is a standard that is not real and internally they know it. I suspect it is the source of the anger. It isn't fair to men or women. The struggle to be A MAN! It only works if you can force women to be less of whatever trait you teach boys they need to be to become a man. How cruel is that?

If a man were to openly acknowledge it, the shaming comes out to tell him he isn't being a real man anymore. Its so manly to need the game rigged to play it. This reality doesn't instill REAL confidence in them, so no wonder they resort to anger so easily!

It is all about the previous generations not wanting to be improved upon before they die and the upper class wanting us incapable of unity against them.

We need to stop hating our own no matter what gender they happen to be.

[Ruby Slippers]

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. As my last relationship was falling apart, I was SERIOUSLY considering trying to have a relationship with a woman in the future -- and I am very straight. I was just FED UP with men's crap!

 

But I think there's some truth to the notion that you find what you are looking for. If you assume all men are jerks, you find jerky men. If you choose to believe that there are some good men out there, I think that's what you find. People in general can be pretty disappointing, but I think the best we can do is hold out hope for the good guys and gals.

[OldEurope]

If you upgrade every area of your life--intellectually, emotionally, your appearance--you will attract into your world the same. There are wonderful, wonderful men out there. Men who aren't bullies, rapists, jerks, and users.

 

It also requires that for them, however, that the women act like ladies. If there are few "princes" it may be because there are not too many (true) goddesses either.

 

Oh, and scrap the "music videos". You needn't to have your view of society shaped by images of violent, gyrating sub-humans...

 

xoxOE

[Dexter Morgan]

I know there are nice, decent and loving men and also that not all of society or the media projects this view, but I have so much anger and in a way i'm afraid to let go of it because it's a protection and defence against the men that ARE like that.

 

What can I do to STOP being so, sometimes irrationally angry?

 

Your resentment is understandable. There are too many men out there that make it hard for the rest of us.

 

I feel that just as many women are louses as well, but I know there are good ones out there and won't judge all women because of the others.

 

but again, I can understand how you feel this way. Just remember, us good ones are out there.

[Dexter Morgan]

You have every right to be tainted.. the majority of men are selfish inconsiderate heartless hard on's with one thing on the mind.

 

and on the flipside, I see a majority of women out there that can't be trusted and aren't happy with the same man for too awful long. I think too many women are just plain fickle.

[kizik]

If you upgrade every area of your life--intellectually, emotionally, your appearance--you will attract into your world the same. There are wonderful, wonderful men out there. Men who aren't bullies, rapists, jerks, and users.

 

It also requires that for them, however, that the women act like ladies. If there are few "princes" it may be because there are not too many (true) goddesses either.

 

Oh, and scrap the "music videos". You needn't to have your view of society shaped by images of violent, gyrating sub-humans...

 

xoxOE

 

I love this post. So true.

[sugarmomma]

This post really struck a chord with me. Having a father that was physically most times and completely unavailable, I got a ****t* deal from the beginning. He wasn't there to protect and nurture me the way a father should. As a result, my first boyfriend was very very abusive to me and it caused me to become very mean and bitter towards men. My thinking was "I will get you before you get me". It got me absolutely no where. I had no idea how to judge the heart and character of a man and therefore continued to draw more of the same except the physical abuse. met my husband and married him and because I was already angry and mean, it was only a matter of time that we would be abusing each other.

 

Left my husband and had a revelation from what I like to thing was God "saying that I needed to forgive all the men who had hurt me in the past". Wow!! I had to let go of all the pain that I had been caused because it was keeping me in 'victim mode' and that wasn't bringing me healthy relationships. So for the last 18 months my heart has softened toward men but I am also a much better judge of character and when they start to show signs of possibly being disrespectful, angry, or cruel, I dismiss them without a second thought.

 

I also don't treat men badly the way I used to. I treated them like crap because of the way I had been treated. I have noticed that I attract kinder, more gentle and compassionate people because I have learned to set boundaries and own my power with people.

 

First you have to forgive and know that you are doing it for you and not them.Forgiveness is very difficult but necessary in order for you to heal and be able to really love another.

 

Secondly you have to know that only LOVE is real.

 

What you give in this life is what you get back.

[mental_traveller]

Just treat each person as an individual rather than a representative of their gender. Ditch the prejudice and work on your tolerance.

 

As for saying sorry, it's best to apologize with actions not words.