Mixed signals, misread signals, what the hell does friends first really mean?

[hieu]

Hey all.

Hieu here.

 

Me - 23, graduating this year, have a job lined up for when I finish. Shy in large groups but good one on one and smallish groups. I have a tendency to think too much and admit that I know nothing about dating. I can't read the signs to save my life. To be honest, this is the second female I've asked out. Girlfriends in the past have been the one to initiate.

 

Her - 25 going on 26, first year of her second degree (Career change).

 

What's been up?

Class mates, met 3.5 weeks ago but 2.5 weeks is more accurate in terms of time spent getting to know each other as such. The first week was an introductory class that lasted a good ten minutes.

We're relatively flirty with one another and make time to meet up outside of class. This is at night time on weeknights when she has to work early the next morning, so this is not one of those meet ups that have been made in order to pass time. After all who passes time with people they are not interested at all at 9-10pm on a weekday, right? Been invited to future events with her and friends.

 

Maybe this is a test because when we've gone out to get coffee (a few times) she has been overly insistent on paying for both of us. I mean I've had money out ready to pay and she has grabbed it and shoved it back in my pocket while saying next time. Yet the same thing occurred. I'm guessing she likes to be in control however this only ever arises when it comes to paying for things. Always happy to follow my lead for other things. A friend tells me that people from her country (she is Asian btw) are like that but I don't know. That seems kind of odd.

 

I'll skip right along to when I asked her out.

While waiting at a coffee shop to meet up with friends at another place who we're going out to dinner with her later. Just before we had to leave, I told her I liked her as more than a friend. Rather awkward and nervous mind that. Yes I realize this was the wrong way to go about things.

She replied come on Hieu, be serious, made a joke and pretended like it didn't happen. Taken aback by her way of dealing with the situation I asserted myself and asked her out on a date to which she said yes but I had to be stupid and added "as a couple" on the end and to which she said as friends first.

Too forward and too much pressure at the time and the wrong way to go about things, but whats done is done. The rest of the night went fine as if nothing had happened until I became sick from a case of food poisoning. She messaged early post midnight saying that she'd see me the next tuesday as an assignment was due on the monday thus one is busy.

 

However me being me has decided to focus on the other stuff so I've gone over the incident a few times thinking about what she meant by friends first. There are multiple options that I could come up with what it all could mean, e.g:

 

• a - she has an interest and is just testing to see if i will drop the matter completely or not. after all the manner in which one asked was relatively weak.
  
• b - she may/may not have an interest, however due to whatever reason she wants to progress slowly.
  
• c - interested or not, she knows it is my final semester and that if i was to not focus on my studies i may end up regretting it.
  
• d - she is not interested in that manner, but wants to dangle the idea that she may be so as to keep me around for whatever reason also. with respect to the timing also, it may have been to save face in order for there not to be any weirdness that night.
  

Plus others, I won't list... These however are likely to be wrong.

 

I want clarification on this friends first business and where one really stands. However is it such a good idea to bring the matter up again anytime soon? Advice I've received from friends, varies.

 

• Friend 1, says to flip the situation on its head by asking her again, showing that consideration of her feelings and an understanding of why she may be hesitant not wanting to rush things thus giving her time to decide, all while proving that one is ready to walk away from the idea by giving her the whole take me now before I close the door on you forever option. He says to do so not too soon but not too late. Ugh!
  
  • This is just what worked with his girlfriend of the past two years. His gf is only 20 now though and was thus 18 when he asked her. Far cry from 25.
    

   

  [*]Friend 2, says to bring up the matter casually, similar to friend 1 but to not ask again. He also says to show her that I respect her decision to be friends and to show her how good of a friend I can be.

  • He is getting married next year to the only female he has ever been. They've been together the past 8 years.
    

   

  [*]This last friend says to stop being such a pansy and to take what I want. To be bold and take her hand then lay one on her and see how she reacts. He says if she is interested she will respond by reciprocating and if she does not I will know where I stand.

  • He dates frequently and says he is not looking for a long term commitment right now.
    

   

I'm just unsure where to go from here. Conflicting advice from friends. My mind is just wandering all over the place.

 

I apologize for the length of my post and if anything needs to be clarified or added to, let me know. If I have repeated anything or my word choice is poor, if it is confusing or generally a pain to read, I apologize again.

Now if you've managed to stay with me till now, thank you.

 

Perhaps I need to take a long look at myself and see if I am ready to start a relationship.

[JoeNewbie]

If she said as "friends first", knows you are interested and still wants to hang out one-on-one, then I think she is interested.

 

Some women play it slower than others. And while I don't want to generalize things too much, most Asian girls are pretty serious about dating and they'll want to know whether you're a good fit as friends before calling it dating.

[hieu]

Thank you for your response Joe.

 

So just show her a fun time as a friend and see how things develop. It would be inadvisable to bring up dating again so soon. If things go well they should develop naturally, right? And say they go well, is there a period of time where if I don't act again it will seem as if I lost interest?

[JoeNewbie]

I think she is interested so you need to show interest without trying to become intimate too quickly.

 

Ultimately you know her better but I am guessing she's the more traditional/conservative type, so she will want to be really sure about you before anything happens.

[monkey00]

Having dated asians, some often like to take things slow and be friends first before lovers...though that mostly has been my experience. By having her pay for you, it lets her feel in control and letting the situation go at the pace she wants.

 

It is a bit old fashioned to be friends first, but it's what they're used to. getting to know someone pretty well before deciding on something serious.