Is he afraid of sex or playing games with me? Long, but interesting story...

[ShastaBlack]

I met a guy online. We had been talking nonstop for 2 weeks: texting & phone calls (sometimes for 2 hours) each night.

 

This guy has major baggage: He is a 28 year-old single father of 1 son who is going through a divorce. (I'm a 29 year old woman with well, no baggage!) His ex-wife is a recovering drug addict who, in the past, lost all custody of the child due to drugs, having to go away to rehab, etc. She sold all of their valuables for drug money, and she cheated on him with multiple men. It's fair to say, he's traumatized from her.

 

He also told me that he had not had sex in 2 years, the last woman being his soon-to-be ex-wife. So, he hadn't had sex with any other women for 9 years total.

 

However, from talking to him so much, I loved his personality, and he was being attentive and seemed to have been quite honest, I decided he was worth exploring. Everyone has a past. Everyone deserves love. We'd been Snap Chatting, etc.

 

We had our first date at a local pub, and it went well! He was very cute in person, we got along, it felt good, there was no awkwardness, etc. It was a really good first date. At the end of the date, he hugged me and said he'd text me.

 

Well he did text me! He texted me and we talked for several more days. Five days after the date, our texting conversations started to get sexual. It was a Monday and we were both saying dirty things to each other all day.

 

He sent me several Snap Chats of his "man parts," and I sent him a Snap Chat of me topless (no face). He invited me over to his house a few minutes later, asking if I could be there in 2 hours, after he'd put his son to sleep.

 

Now, I'm a 29 year old woman, I felt quite comfortable with him, and I like sex. I was going to go over there by my own decision, and I own that.

 

Right before I leave to go to his place, he texts me asking me if I had left yet. When I told him no, he said for me to not come because he thinks "we should go out one more time before he has me over and also, he's uncomfortable because his son is upstairs sleeping."

 

Fine. He wants to be cautious & respectable.

 

Then he snapchats me ANOTHER picture of his private parts (this time a video).

 

I tell him he's coming to my apartment the next night after work.

 

Well, he does! He comes over the next day, Tuesday. He shows up, and all that's on our agenda is watching some stuff on Netflix and "bonding."

 

So we're talking, etc. He seems nervous around me, but he's very nice, very normal, very cute. I initiated touching a few times, and he initiated none. Finally, after watching 3 HOURS OF NETFLIX, he gets up and says, "Oh, I guess I better leave now!"

 

I was irked. I said, "Jim, when the heck are you gonna kiss me?" in a teasing manner (but honestly, when was this guy going to kiss me after these convos and snapchats we'd been sending...oh and the SEX invite from teh night before!).

 

He turns around and basically snaps at me. He says, "Are you gonna pressure me like that?" Then he goes on a rant about how he hasn't been with a woman in 2 years and that his ex mentally abused him, etc.

 

I tell him that I'M confused, because of everythign we've been talking about, the snap chats, the invitation for sex from the night before (to which he replied, "I was horny as hell yesterday," to which *I* replied, "so it's ok to have sex with me but not kiss me?"

 

He then told me that he thought my compliments I gave him about his physical appearance were not valid, and said some negative things about his physical appearance (he's VERY cute, I don't know why he said that).

 

I said, "I think you're hot."

 

He asked for a hug and then left.

 

As he was walking to his car, I started to text him and told him that I was frustrated because he said one thing but did another, that I was very attracted to him but I'm not allowed to touch him, and I'm just so confused.

 

He replied, "Maybe I don't know what the f*ck I want."

 

The next morning, he texted me and told me that He thinks I'm awesome, he needs people like me in his life, sorry if he confused me, and he wants to keep talking, but he "needs some more time for himself."

 

Ok, that doesn't clarify anything for me, except "give him some space."

 

So I still texted him a few light-hearted texts that week. He'd take 2-12 hours to respond. His responses were always nice, but he took forever.

 

He hasn't initiated once since that night he came to my apartment.

 

We went from cuddling on the couch for a few hours to him not talking to me because I asked him to kiss me.

 

Ummmm interpretations, please?

 

Is he a jerk or is he confused?

[D.Mc.]

Hi ShastaBlack, he's afraid of sex due to the reproductive issues. He's already got a young child he's got custody of. Before or during any of the sexual convo's you've been having, did you get/give a clear understanding of your own & his ideas about having kids? If you mentioned at any time you'd like to have them, then he pulled up short worrying you meant now with him. If he hasn't clearly indicated he's not ready to have any more then this was his indirect way of saying it. He shouldn't assume you think he's future daddy material for you b/c he already has a child, but if you haven't discussed how his custody is impacting his life/emotions, then this issue is not clear between you. Way more communication of a non-sexual nature is needed between the two of you, fully clothed & in a public setting. Divorce is also a difficult process that he has to get through before he can ever be ready for another relationship. In his heart he probably knows a sexual relationship is too risky at this stage of his life but doesn't want to alienate you completely. He's just not ready for what you're ready for but doesn't want to address it yet. Good luck no matter what.

[ShastaBlack]

Hi ShastaBlack, he's afraid of sex due to the reproductive issues. He's already got a young child he's got custody of. Before or during any of the sexual convo's you've been having, did you get/give a clear understanding of your own & his ideas about having kids? If you mentioned at any time you'd like to have them, then he pulled up short worrying you meant now with him. If he hasn't clearly indicated he's not ready to have any more then this was his indirect way of saying it. He shouldn't assume you think he's future daddy material for you b/c he already has a child, but if you haven't discussed how his custody is impacting his life/emotions, then this issue is not clear between you. Way more communication of a non-sexual nature is needed between the two of you, fully clothed & in a public setting. Divorce is also a difficult process that he has to get through before he can ever be ready for another relationship. In his heart he probably knows a sexual relationship is too risky at this stage of his life but doesn't want to alienate you completely. He's just not ready for what you're ready for but doesn't want to address it yet. Good luck no matter what.

 

 

Thank you. I think you made a lot of good points. We never talked about children but he knows I'm elementary education certified and that I love kids. We never talked about far into the future because we were getting to know each other. And HE....EVERY SINGLE TIME. ...started the sex talk.

 

Now I'd love to keep in touch with this guy, but he's made himself, in my feelings, unapproachable to me because he's now acting so cold and guarded. I'm afraid if I reach out again he will hurt me.

 

I don't know if he's worth keeping in touch with now.

[stillafool]

This guy has too many issues. I think you should next him.

[ShastaBlack]

This guy has too many issues. I think you should next him.

 

I know you're right... but now he's like a puzzle.

 

Is he worth staying friends with or does that make it look like I'm waiting for him?

[D.Mc.]

Hi again,

 

You could turn out to be a great friend in his life & vice versa. If you keep in contact w/him but make it clear that you are going to pursue relationships w/men who are ready to have them, then you are clearly not "waiting" for him. If he gets upset, then simply point out to him that he can't proceed along the path emotionally AND physically that you are able to. If he really can be a friend then he will accept it. He's got a lot going on & a relationship is the last thing he can handle right now, but just like everyone else, he wants to have something positive in his life. W/all the divorce/child care issues, he has to slow down & focus on one thing at time. A friend is what he could use, a girlfriend...not so much. If it turns out that at a later date he's ready & you're available, then great. You don't wait for that though, live your life & let him do the same.

[stillafool]

I know you're right... but now he's like a puzzle.

 

Is he worth staying friends with or does that make it look like I'm waiting for him?

 

It looks like you are waiting for him.

[ShastaBlack]

It looks like you are waiting for him.

 

Thank you. I agree. I removed him from my social networks last night and will never initiate with him again. He has my number.