How do I stay close to him while still giving him space.

[Morai]

Early Apologies for the wall.

 

 

After my boyfriend's disappearing act things were okay for a bit but then he went off again without saying a word. Things were okay again for a few days, then he disappeared again.

 

In the second week of April his father died. They were never close as he was an alcoholic and was abusive to his mom and sisters and even him when he was growing up. After his dad walked out of his life he didn't know where he was or what he was doing for almost 20 years and that bothered him. After he died though its like the lights went off for him.

 

He's stressed and confused and doesn't know what to feel and hates that everyone is asking him how he feels, so he's shut everyone out, even me. It doesn't really help that he's literally killing himself with work. He hasn't been eating or sleeping and has been at work for 18 hours straight for 10-11 days in a row. We're 4000 miles away and I just want to be there for him more than anything.

 

When he disappeared the second time I was irritated beyond belief and nearly ended it, but I ended up taking the time he was away to think about what I wanted in my life and every scenario had him in it. I really can't imagine my life without him. And I told him this, I made an ass out of my self doing so but I did. He apologized for disappearing again, told me he was out of town, and then things were good for 2-3 days.

 

Early this week the same thing happened. He disappeared without a word and didn't bother to say anything to me until 3-4 angry texts later. He told me he'd basically been blowing me off and that he didn't want to speak or see anyone. I can't even explain how crushed I was.

 

This whole thing has been going on for about three weeks, however I haven't been able to actually speak on skype since April 2nd, and sadly enough its been even longer than that since he's told me he loves me and its making me absolutely miserable. I've been telling him I love him the whole time this has been going on and have pointed out how long its been. The few times we were both available to talk he just completely blew me off and avoided getting on skype at all.

 

He told me he needs space, and I understand that. I asked him straight up if he still wanted to be with me and he told me he did and that I still meant the world to him. I love him, I really do, and I know he loves me, and I understand why he's acting the way he is I just don't know how to mentally/emotionally handle it. He's been such a rock for me through everything and helped me grow so much as a person and missing him like this is killing me inside.

 

I'm going to stick by him through this. Ending it just doesn't feel like an option to me. I guess I'm really just looking for advice on how to get through this rather large bump in our road with my sanity still intact. I feel like I'm grasping at air.

[lovelydovey]

All you can do is just give him the space he needs, and be there when he's ready to talk. It's hard not to take it personally especially when you're an LDR and all you really have is communication and he's not wanting to give it to you.

 

Remember, it's not about you right now. Losing a parent, even if he wasn't close to him is still hard.

 

If you love him though, you need to give him time and space, he'll come around.

[HeavenOrHell]

I had a similar thing going on, I'll try and find time to reply to this tomorrow.

[Morai]

I can't get motivated to do anything. I've been wanting to start running again and getting back into better shape bought shoes and everything.

Nada.

 

I really hope that he still intends to come visit this summer. Wish I could talk to him about it but I know its not a good time.

[ladyabstrused]

Morai, you will need a lot of patience. I can understand how he would need the space. I have to agree with loveydovey, it's not easy losing a parent. Even when they're not close.

 

When my father passed away, I literally shut everyone out of my life including my best friends. Now....I feel like I have no friends at all. Because I feel that they couldn't understand that I needed that space to be on my own just to grieve. And because I distanced from them? They stayed away. They didn't stick by me. Kind of sucks really.

 

I don't know how grieving takes place but everyone goes through it their own way. All I know is that I felt like I didn't want to talk to anyone at all, period.

 

After a few months, I went online to interact to strangers in forums. People who didn't know me. I guess I didn't want to interact with anyone who knew me because none of them understood what I was going through. They would keep asking how I'm doing and the same courteousy lines but it was too painful. But when it came to the time when I was ready to talk about my loss, no one....and I meant no one was there. I don't know if it was them or me. Till today, none of my friends or even best friends have talked to me about the passing of my father, even though they knew how close we were.

 

My advice to you is, if you dearly love and care for this guy, keep going. Don't give up. He's going to need you when the time comes, but now he needs time. It may be difficult for you to understand this, but know that staying by his side even through these times, will most likely mean so much to him (assuming he is telling the truth about how he does love you very much). And perhaps he is getting through his days because he knows you are there for him.

 

Sometimes it's not just patience that you need to go through something like this. Have faith. It helps you to keep going even when you just can't seem to.

[Morai]

Morai, you will need a lot of patience. I can understand how he would need the space. I have to agree with loveydovey, it's not easy losing a parent. Even when they're not close.

 

When my father passed away, I literally shut everyone out of my life including my best friends. Now....I feel like I have no friends at all. Because I feel that they couldn't understand that I needed that space to be on my own just to grieve. And because I distanced from them? They stayed away. They didn't stick by me. Kind of sucks really.

 

I don't know how grieving takes place but everyone goes through it their own way. All I know is that I felt like I didn't want to talk to anyone at all, period.

 

After a few months, I went online to interact to strangers in forums. People who didn't know me. I guess I didn't want to interact with anyone who knew me because none of them understood what I was going through. They would keep asking how I'm doing and the same courteousy lines but it was too painful. But when it came to the time when I was ready to talk about my loss, no one....and I meant no one was there. I don't know if it was them or me. Till today, none of my friends or even best friends have talked to me about the passing of my father, even though they knew how close we were.

 

My advice to you is, if you dearly love and care for this guy, keep going. Don't give up. He's going to need you when the time comes, but now he needs time. It may be difficult for you to understand this, but know that staying by his side even through these times, will most likely mean so much to him (assuming he is telling the truth about how he does love you very much). And perhaps he is getting through his days because he knows you are there for him.

 

Sometimes it's not just patience that you need to go through something like this. Have faith. It helps you to keep going even when you just can't seem to.

 

I know he needs space, and I'm okay with giving it to him now that I know that's what he needs. When it first happened he said he wasn't bothered with it and he didn't feel anything, and we were okay. We were messing around and talking like nothing was wrong. Then he disappeared a few times and that's when he realized that's what he needed.

 

I'm giving him space. I'm not trying to talk to him or ask him anything. I just text him that I love him and I'm thinking about him every couple of days.

 

I don't know how I'm personally going to get through giving him space with my sanity in tact though. I'm sleeping almost 12 hours a night and still wake up exhausted and can't motivate myself to do much of anything. Today was better though. I got up and went to work at 6 and have been keeping myself busy since I got home. Went running for the first time in forever and am getting some cleaning and laundry done.

 

 

 

I kind of want to send him something. I've sent him cookies for his birthday/ Christmas and bought him some when I went to visit in October. I'm thinking about sending him some now with a little note or something silly. I just don't know if its a bad idea. I don't want to seem pushy, and that isn't my intention and I don't think he'll take it that way, but I can't really be sure. Thoughts?

[ladyabstrused]

That's good! Running is good. I always find that doing something like that, or take long walks just helps clear the mind. Somehow it feels like the breeze or the wind takes away my worries for that moment. I'm glad you got some stuff done while you get busy!

 

As for you wanting to send him something, I think that would be a lovely and thoughtful gesture. I don't think it's pushy though. I mean it's not like you're sending him something every single day. It's just a reminder to let him know that you're there for him and that you care and still think about him. It's really sweet.

 

Go for it! Hope it goes well.

[Morai]

Thanks! Went to the store this morning after talking to my best friend about it. I'm going to make him his favorite cookies -- white chocolate chip strawberry-- and send him those with a little note and something silly. Probably a little stuffed dinosaur that I bought for no reason recently. I just hope it doesn't back fire.

[ladyabstrused]

That's sweet.

 

Well good luck. Let me know how it goes! It's very thoughtful of you to do this for him.

[Morai]

Welp. 5-7 days and I'll find out how it goes.

[LoveToCuddle]

Just wanted to say Stay strong !

Edited May 9, 2012 by LoveToCuddle

[Morai]

Just wanted to say Stay strong !

 

Thank you !

[Morai]

Originally I'd decided I wasn't going to tell him I was sending him stuff, but then he texted me last night, which I was so thankful for. You never really know how much you miss someone until you hear from them and its like "ahhh I have air again!"

 

Anyway. I let him know that I was sending him something on the off chance it didn't get there on a weekend I didn't want the mailman to wake him up unexpectedly because I'm pretty sure that would ruin any chance I had of making him feel better. Nothing is worse than interrupted sleep when you weren't expecting it.

 

He wasn't too pleased that I'd sent him something at first. I get all on his case about sending me things. I won't let him. He spent way too much money footing the bill for my trip to see him and he tends to try and spoil me. If he were here I wouldn't mind but he's 4000 miles away and I don't want to feel like I'm using him. I love him for him, not his money.

 

When he finally got me to tell him it was cookies, he lightened up a bit and we got to text back and forth for awhile while he was in between conference calls. I'm glad it went over well. I just hope they get there soon.

 

On a side note, he's probably getting another promotion again. Apparently he'll be taking his boss's job and his boss will be taking his job. That means more travelling out of the country for work, but more free time I'm told. So hopefully that goes through and I'll get my boyfriend back full time soon.

 

I don't want to say I'm happy that things are looking up then jynx it, but I really am happy.

[ladyabstrused]

Sounds like a step ahead now. Glad things worked out good there, Morai.

[Morai]

Tiny update for anyone still poking their head in here.

 

I got to here his voice for the first time in 6 weeks yesterday, I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Before that he started texting me again more regularly and I know things were getting back to semi normal. We've both been nerding it up playing Diablo together. We met on a game and I think its only fitting that a game helped save us haha.

 

Back to the normal routine for bugging him about when I get to see him next and after asking him up front if he still wanted to see me this summer and if he still could, he said yes, so we'll be planning a little bit of that this weekend.

 

Taking some summer classes before I transfer to Uni this fall, so I'll be keeping myself busy while he catches up with his work and feelings.

[ladyabstrused]

Yes you should update us on the progress of your relationship.

 

I'm so glad it's looking up for you now. He seems to be coming around now, I'm sure he's starting to feel much much better. And the fact that you stayed by him despite a difficult time, probably tells him that you're very understanding.

 

At least he takes his own time to deal.

I mean, in my relationship before, he would expect me to be around like 24/7, missing work and sleep and really sacrifice a lot to show that I'm there for him. If I was there for him just for a short period of time and he's still not feeling any better, guess who's to be blamed? :\

 

Sorry, I'm just still sore from my break-up. Though I'm still happy to hear of your progress.

[Morai]

No worries, I dated someone like that for a long time too. I don't mind if you vent

 

Thanks for the constant well wishes, really helps

[ladyabstrused]

You did date someone like that? Did you at any point feel bad when you couldn't meet up to his expectations?

 

Thanks Morai.

[Morai]

I did. Everything was constantly always everyone else's fault. He blamed my father for everything bad in our relationship and because of that my dad and I had a really rocky time for awhile. Nothing was ever his fault and all of his issues were "because of me". Eventually I got fed up of the I hate the world attitude and ended it.

[ladyabstrused]

Whoa. Sounds really similar. I wonder if there are like set categories of relationships. Seems like people tend to go through similar crap only in different context or environment or background. But the main storyline is just pretty much the same.

 

Yeah you know..it was like that with me too. Well he did admit some of his mistakes but a lot of times the reason why he reacted those ways were always because of me. At one point of time, I felt as though I was really a cursed child. Sighs..maybe he never really encouraged those thoughts but how could I not have felt that way. :\

[Morai]

Yea I kinda think that's the way it works.

 

 

Bleh Can't sleep because I'm sick and now angry.

He recently opened up his facebook again at the request of some family members, and I'm okay with that, no issue there. I'm on facebook as well. However, like 6 months ago, found some stuff in his email I wasn't too thrilled to see, I wasn't snooping nor was I looking to find something. We both have each others passwords to everything and swap back and forth for a few games we play together and I was grabbing a lock out code. Anyway found some pictures of a girl from before we were officially together. I confronted him about it and he told me he didn't even know they were there, apologized half a million times, and deleted them immediately. Again, not the issue, I believe him, I have absolutely no reason not to trust him.

Anyway, nothing like the investigating powers of a jealous girlfriend, right? So at the time before I talked to him about it, I found out who the pictures were from and how he knew her, I didn't say anything to her, I just wanted to know. (I sound really psycho, don't I?) Nothing came of anything and I forgot about it, wasn't a big deal once I got over it. (I have a lot of insecurity and self image issues with myself. Grew up with a lot of abuse from my peers and parents. So those issues will probably be with me for the rest of my life. Again, I trust him, my insecurity is not in our relationship, its with myself.)

I was just kinda clicking around looking at his profile pictures, because he's such a butt head about letting me see him on skype, and there she was commenting on almost every new picture he put up.

So feeling a little irritated. And possessive. He's the first and only person I've ever been with, I grew up kinda conservative so every relationship before him, the line was drawn at second. He, on the other hand, was kind of a partier when I met him. I don't know his number don't want to know don't care to know. Its just thinking about him being with someone else or sharing that intimacy we share just kinda... I don't even know. Just nehhh. They weren't together and she was chasing him, so it was all one sided, he told me he didn't feel anything for her ever. In fact while she was chasing him, he was chasing me, and here we are almost three years later more in love and in sync-- now that we got through the bumps in the road-- than we've ever been, so that makes me feel a little better. I just can't seem to turn off the raging beast so I can sleep.

 

But other than me over reacting, we're fantastic. Booking his flight and our hotel this week. So his visit will be official and I can breath a bit easier about being able to see him again. Nine months apart is tough. but it'll be at least another six until I can see him after that, so I better get used to it u__u

Sorry. Ranting.

Edited May 26, 2012 by Morai

[ladyabstrused]

Yea I kinda think that's the way it works.

 

Bleh Can't sleep because I'm sick and now angry.

He recently opened up his facebook again at the request of some family members, and I'm okay with that, no issue there. I'm on facebook as well. However, like 6 months ago, found some stuff in his email I wasn't too thrilled to see, I wasn't snooping nor was I looking to find something. We both have each others passwords to everything and swap back and forth for a few games we play together and I was grabbing a lock out code. Anyway found some pictures of a girl from before we were officially together. I confronted him about it and he told me he didn't even know they were there, apologized half a million times, and deleted them immediately. Again, not the issue, I believe him, I have absolutely no reason not to trust him.

Anyway, nothing like the investigating powers of a jealous girlfriend, right? So at the time before I talked to him about it, I found out who the pictures were from and how he knew her, I didn't say anything to her, I just wanted to know. (I sound really psycho, don't I?) Nothing came of anything and I forgot about it, wasn't a big deal once I got over it. (I have a lot of insecurity and self image issues with myself. Grew up with a lot of abuse from my peers and parents. So those issues will probably be with me for the rest of my life. Again, I trust him, my insecurity is not in our relationship, its with myself.)

I was just kinda clicking around looking at his profile pictures, because he's such a butt head about letting me see him on skype, and there she was commenting on almost every new picture he put up.

So feeling a little irritated. And possessive. He's the first and only person I've ever been with, I grew up kinda conservative so every relationship before him, the line was drawn at second. He, on the other hand, was kind of a partier when I met him. I don't know his number don't want to know don't care to know. Its just thinking about him being with someone else or sharing that intimacy we share just kinda... I don't even know. Just nehhh. They weren't together and she was chasing him, so it was all one sided, he told me he didn't feel anything for her ever. In fact while she was chasing him, he was chasing me, and here we are almost three years later more in love and in sync-- now that we got through the bumps in the road-- than we've ever been, so that makes me feel a little better. I just can't seem to turn off the raging beast so I can sleep.

 

But other than me over reacting, we're fantastic. Booking his flight and our hotel this week. So his visit will be official and I can breath a bit easier about being able to see him again. Nine months apart is tough. but it'll be at least another six until I can see him after that, so I better get used to it u__u

Sorry. Ranting.

 

Yikes, that must really get on your nerves. I mean nothing is more....bleh than being jealous about another girl for being close or chasing your boyfriend. At least that shows you really care.

 

I'm glad you trust him. And I'm happy for you with the booking of flights etc.! I remember the time when I was doing that...it was an exciting experience honestly.

 

If you've managed to pull through and be more in love than ever with each other after 3 years, I'm sure it will be all right.

 

No need to apologise for ranting. It's fine.

 

Yay you're going to see him soon!