venting and hubby had porn on his phone (graphic)

[mommellen]

My husband works a lot during the week, so on the weekends I usually keep the kids with me around the house while he relaxes and plays our video games. This weekend was a 3 day weekend off work so I let him enjoy lots of alone time to play the games. I was using the bathroom after his shower and his phone was sitting out, I peeked at it. It was like the phone was calling my name so I checked his Web history and it was clear. I went to put it down and held the home button, the recent apps popped up and one showed porn. I was immediately crushed. We talked about my view of porn in the beginning of our relationship, so he was well aware. My husband has also been very well aware of my very low self esteem from the beginning as well. I took his promise to heart to never hurt or betray me as some of my exes have done in the past. I feel so lied to.

I confronted him about it, he denied it. Denied it until I told him telling me the truth would save our marriage (which it would've until I found out he "finished" goal of looking at the porn. I literally just finished giving our kids a bath and left when he went in to do his business. After he owns up to it he thinks of the reasoning, he could've and shouldve waited for the kids to go to bed for me to come into our room, then says he wouldn't have done it is he knew we had a condom left in our side drawer. Then he bring up that it could be worse and he could've "really" cheated with a woman. As far as I am concerned, and he was aware of, pornography is cheating, especially if climax is reached. So he I am crying and upset because be told me in the beginning of our relationship he does not agree with nor finds lesbian sex hot "like a lot of men", there were two women in the video and a male. His mother is on again and off again with a woman and while he gives her such a hard time and makes terrible remarks I defended her saying, everyone has a right to love but he never changed his opinion. Now he is masturbates to it?

I satisfy him every single time he asks me to, no matter how tired I am or physically exhausted, I...used to feel....A satisfied man is a faithful man. Our sex life has been becoming less frequent by a noticeable and was starting to become an alarming amount, but like I said, I continued to satisfy him. He says it's becausehe works 10 tof 12 hours a day and I understood which is why I felt no need to get frustrated I wasn't seeing much in return. On our downtime when the kids are in bed we usually just play video games together anyways.

Before I found the porn today the sex was suffering like I mentioned, he started treating me very differently by getting short with me and quite easily annoyed, lo he night before finding the porn he said, "I'm just getting sick of your dumb sh*t", in reference to my absent - mindedness at the end of a long day. Over the past few months when we argue he made remarks like, "don't worry soon you won't have to" when I said I was getting fed up dealing with him putting me down every chance he gets, even in video games. I explained he has been very hard on me lately and he says "stop doing things you know that annoys me". I've been dealing with him accusing me of cheating for months now and making good comments about "tell your boyfriend I said hi", when I am on my phone and when I complained my back hurt very badly from twisting it carrying the kids he said, "tell your boyfriend to stop doing you from behind and it will stop hurting". I haven't cheated on him but now, it appears he's cheated on me with porn.

Basically, because our kids are still so very young and my (borderline resentful) love for him I wonder if leaving him is the right choice. I don't feel he loves me anymore, even before the porn. He treats me terribly and feels he can because he is the man and works to support us. He showed no emotion when we talked about it and I cried....for hours. He just looked away or would smile at comments I'd make like "so you're too tired from work to have sex with me but not to do more effort by using your hand? I bet if you had strange boobs in your face you'd surely wake up for that". I feel let down, we've only been married for 2 years, together for 3 and I feel like our marriage has faced more than those 20 years our senior. Our daughter was born at 27 weeks premature, our son was a cesarean and had an infection to where he was hospitalized 4 days after birth. We lived in a hotel for a month with our baby daughter and me being pregnant with our son, then moved in with my parents when he quit his job. I supported him, stood by him and never complained about him not.working for over a year. Now that he has a great job and things are so much improved financially and the kids are now 1 and 2, life is getting a little easier but our marriage is getting worse because he is treating me worse than ever, looking at porn, and ignoring me. Yeah, I'm happy he didn't just do a real person but in my opinion if my husband reaches climax looking at someone that isnt me and I'm not there, that's cheating. Agh! The kids were watching the movie UP and it made me year up with the two kids becoming married and living such loving lives together and I thought of my husband. All the while he is in the bathroom jerking to two women blowing a dude.

Edited September 2, 2014 by mommellen

[Candy_Pants]

Oh man. Have you ever thought that you two need individual counseling, then marriage counseling?

 

I won't go into what I think about porn. But you're trying to monopolize his orgasms....that's not healthy.

 

How he's treating you isn't healthy either. Nor are your comments about using his hand.

[Candy_Pants]

tl;dr, so I read the above instead.

 

Agreed.

 

Don't take my word for it. Lots of "wtf" and none of it graphic.

[Mr. Lucky]

so you're too tired from work to have sex with me but not to do more effort by using your hand?.

Momellen, you've never masturbated ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[thekid36]

My husband works a lot during the week, so on the weekends I usually keep the kids with me around the house while he relaxes and plays our video games. This weekend was a 3 day weekend off work so I let him enjoy lots of alone time to play the games. I was using the bathroom after his shower and his phone was sitting out, I peeked at it. It was like the phone was calling my name so I checked his Web history and it was clear. I went to put it down and held the home button, the recent apps popped up and one showed porn. I was immediately crushed. We talked about my view of porn in the beginning of our relationship, so he was well aware. My husband has also been very well aware of my very low self esteem from the beginning as well. I took his promise to heart to never hurt or betray me as some of my exes have done in the past. I feel so lied to.

I confronted him about it, he denied it. Denied it until I told him telling me the truth would save our marriage (which it would've until I found out he "finished" goal of looking at the porn. I literally just finished giving our kids a bath and left when he went in to do his business. After he owns up to it he thinks of the reasoning, he could've and shouldve waited for the kids to go to bed for me to come into our room, then says he wouldn't have done it is he knew we had a condom left in our side drawer. Then he bring up that it could be worse and he could've "really" cheated with a woman. As far as I am concerned, and he was aware of, pornography is cheating, especially if climax is reached. So he I am crying and upset because be told me in the beginning of our relationship he does not agree with nor finds lesbian sex hot "like a lot of men", there were two women in the video and a male. His mother is on again and off again with a woman and while he gives her such a hard time and makes terrible remarks I defended her saying, everyone has a right to love but he never changed his opinion. Now he is masturbates to it?

I satisfy him every single time he asks me to, no matter how tired I am or physically exhausted, I...used to feel....A satisfied man is a faithful man. Our sex life has been becoming less frequent by a noticeable and was starting to become an alarming amount, but like I said, I continued to satisfy him. He says it's becausehe works 10 tof 12 hours a day and I understood which is why I felt no need to get frustrated I wasn't seeing much in return. On our downtime when the kids are in bed we usually just play video games together anyways.

Before I found the porn today the sex was suffering like I mentioned, he started treating me very differently by getting short with me and quite easily annoyed, lo he night before finding the porn he said, "I'm just getting sick of your dumb sh*t", in reference to my absent - mindedness at the end of a long day. Over the past few months when we argue he made remarks like, "don't worry soon you won't have to" when I said I was getting fed up dealing with him putting me down every chance he gets, even in video games. I explained he has been very hard on me lately and he says "stop doing things you know that annoys me". I've been dealing with him accusing me of cheating for months now and making good comments about "tell your boyfriend I said hi", when I am on my phone and when I complained my back hurt very badly from twisting it carrying the kids he said, "tell your boyfriend to stop doing you from behind and it will stop hurting". I haven't cheated on him but now, it appears he's cheated on me with porn.

Basically, because our kids are still so very young and my (borderline resentful) love for him I wonder if leaving him is the right choice. I don't feel he loves me anymore, even before the porn. He treats me terribly and feels he can because he is the man and works to support us. He showed no emotion when we talked about it and I cried....for hours. He just looked away or would smile at comments I'd make like "so you're too tired from work to have sex with me but not to do more effort by using your hand? I bet if you had strange boobs in your face you'd surely wake up for that". I feel let down, we've only been married for 2 years, together for 3 and I feel like our marriage has faced more than those 20 years our senior. Our daughter was born at 27 weeks premature, our son was a cesarean and had an infection to where he was hospitalized 4 days after birth. We lived in a hotel for a month with our baby daughter and me being pregnant with our son, then moved in with my parents when he quit his job. I supported him, stood by him and never complained about him not.working for over a year. Now that he has a great job and things are so much improved financially and the kids are now 1 and 2, life is getting a little easier but our marriage is getting worse because he is treating me worse than ever, looking at porn, and ignoring me. Yeah, I'm happy he didn't just do a real person but in my opinion if my husband reaches climax looking at someone that isnt me and I'm not there, that's cheating. Agh! The kids were watching the movie UP and it made me year up with the two kids becoming married and living such loving lives together and I thought of my husband. All the while he is in the bathroom jerking to two women blowing a dude.

 

I preface this with saying that this reply will be rather controversial. It is a similair issue someone had on here awhile back. Let's just say that most chose to disagree with me. Still, I want to throw in my two cents for what it is worth.

 

Some may call you out for finding his phone. Claiming that you basically invaded his individual privacy. The point is that he has been looking at porn. Something you are absolutely against. It is something you made clear to him. No matter what your reasons actually are. No one should make you feel guilty for your thoughts. You feel that this is cheating. It is definitely him showing his attention to someone/something besides you in an extreme way. As a complete substitute. Going behind your back to do so.

 

Thus, there is the definitive disregard for your desires. Not to mention the whole sneaking around aspect of it. Compounded by the direct dishonesty. Which extends to issues beyond the actual porn. This gets into the whole area of trust. He said that it could have been with a person to deflect his own responsibilty. So as to make this okay in his mind. This is really not a fair tactic to be honest. Sort of comes across as an insult to your intelligence. This disrespect could be bound to continue within other areas of your relationship.

 

You have been trying to satisfy him. Even when you are extremely tired. Not as if you are witholding sex. He is not being respectful of you or your wants. Plus, it seems as if he is treating you like crap. You have every right to be frustrated at this point. Being in a relationship means it stops being all about you. It is about you and your partner. Being a team and working together to support one another. Something which extends way beyond the financial. This is a huge issue on your end. Whether he thinks watching porn is cheating or not. The fact here is that you do. He should thus not watch it at all. So as to strenghten your relationship going forward. It is not as if you are telling him to change his personality. Life is all about priorities. Our relationships in real life should be much more important than fake visual ones.

Edited September 2, 2014 by thekid36

[jackslife]

You are way out of line here. Men look at porn and masturbate. All men masturbate. Brad Pitt knocks one out in the shower and he's got Angelina Jolie walking around the house. If you have a little boy, one day he will masturbate (unless of you screw him up with your unnatural ideas of what men should and shouldn't do)

 

The one with the problem here is you. You didn't find signs of an affair, but just porn! I think you need counselling. Soon.

[ExpatInItaly]

The recent discovery and resulting problems are a sign of a much bigger problem, in my opinion. The marriage sounds entirely unhealthy at this point, and for a number of reasons. I personally don't have a huge problem with porn, but everyone had different boundaries. You and your husband are clearly not on the same page about it.

 

I would recommend individual and marriage counselling. There are several problems here, not only the porn.

[thekid36]

You are way out of line here. Men look at porn and masturbate. All men masturbate. Brad Pitt knocks one out in the shower and he's got Angelina Jolie walking around the house. If you have a little boy, one day he will masturbate (unless of you screw him up with your unnatural ideas of what men should and shouldn't do)

 

The one with the problem here is you. You didn't find signs of an affair, but just porn! I think you need counselling. Soon.

 

Men can masturbate without looking at porn. It also seems he is using this as a substitute to sex with his other half. Seems as if he has lied to her in the past about it. Not to mention that he has gone behind her back multiple times. Also, that he seems to basically treat her like crap. That does not actually suggest a problem on his end? It amazes me that so many on here continue sticking up for porn users at all costs. As if it is something which needs to be protected no matter what else may be in the mix. It is not even the porn that I am against. It is how people continue treating one another. Not saying change should simply be forced. Do not get involved with someone who doesn't appreciate porn if you cannot get rid of it being such a large part of your life. It really is rather simple.

[CarrieT]

I'm with the others here and I'm a woman.

 

A person has NO RIGHT to control another's orgasms, unless it is agreed to for some fetish reason.

 

All Men Masturbate.

 

ALL MEN MASTURBATE.

 

And, yes, sometimes it is easier to whack one off in the shower - or wherever - than have sex with even a willing spouse. I never turn my husband down but understand there are times when I'm not around or vice-versa.

 

Mommellen, your low self-esteem is your issue and porn should have nothing to do with that. Porn is fantasy anyway - it isn't reality and there is no cheating going on.

[oldshirt]

There may be a chicken-vs-egg thing going on here and its all a matter of degrees.

 

The great question that needs to be explored here is this guy an ass that treats his wife bad and occasionally has a quick spank to porn in th shower?

 

Or does he have a full-blown porn issue and is draining his tank to porn every day and treating his wife like crap because of that?

[thekid36]

I'm with the others here and I'm a woman.

 

A person has NO RIGHT to control another's orgasms, unless it is agreed to for some fetish reason.

 

All Men Masturbate.

 

ALL MEN MASTURBATE.

 

And, yes, sometimes it is easier to whack one off in the shower - or wherever - than have sex with even a willing spouse. I never turn my husband down but understand there are times when I'm not around or vice-versa.

 

Mommellen, your low self-esteem is your issue and porn should have nothing to do with that. Porn is fantasy anyway - it isn't reality and there is no cheating going on.

 

Not everyone is with you on this, though. She is not trying to control him at all. What she wants is intimacy with her significant other. Again, all of the blame being put on her. So as to excuse the fact that he is lying and doing things behind her back. Things which extend beyond the watching of porn. I feel that her low self-esteem is absolutely not the main issue at hand here. Perhaps it is lower because of the way he treats her. The important aspect is that he does not seem to appreciate her feelings and thoughts. Porn is not a fantasy in her mind. He is consistently showing extreme attention elsewhere and as a complete substitute to his other half. This is the reality of her situation. She thinks that he is cheating. Not everyone looks at things in the same exact manner. Differences should be allowed and appreciated.

[mommellen]

I don't feel I have unrealistic expectations of men. I have expectations of my husband, a man that made promises I expect to be kept as I've kept mine. One of my exes had an addiction to porn which was difficult to deal with and ultimately led to him cheating with a family member of mine. So yeah, I chose not to be with men that watched porn. It was choice I made in choosing a partner to spend the rest of my life with. My husband knew of the story involving my ex and we discussed his view as well as mine. We discussed of views of what constitutes cheating. If we hadn't discussed all of the things prior to pursuing our relationship, I wouldn't be so upset by it. The fact that he claimed to share the same view on porn before we became a couple seems like a lie. The fact that he lied and lied about it being him that looked at it on his phone, then said I was sabotaging him, that's insanity to me.

I am aware some comments say I need therapy. I never mentioned if was seeking therapy or not, i guess posting private parts about my life online makes me open for judgement but I didnt poat for judement. I posted to get it off my chest and hope that a comment(s) would provide some sort of comfort. Another poster said something about my son, i am not nieve, I understand men masturbate. It's not the point of my posting. It is how he went about it, the lying, the seeing him in a new light. It's unnerving. I married this man, we had laid everything out from the beginning and cut all the b.s. Saying what we wanted and expected if we pursued a relationship. Some can say I invaded his privacy but I only expect in return what is expected of me. If my phone gets examined whenever he chooses I feel I have the right to look through his. If he accuses me of cheating when I am not but is found to be a cheater by doing something we BOTH agreed is cheating, how am I being blamed on here for being unrealistic and too hard on him? In all reality of he matter, I put up with him treating me like ****, i put up with him walking on on the kids and I when we would ague, i put up with his addicting to pot and not having money because of it or a job, I've put up with him running to his ex twice when we was mad at me, I put up with him choking me a few seconds while seven months pregnant AND DRIVING because i slapped him for making a completely rude, mean and untruthful comment about something duragatory. I put up with a lot because we're married and I have an obligation to our marriage and our kids. The only thing he says he has to complain about is that I bitch. I had two kids back to back and had to take a hormone shot with the last pregnancy. I feel bitching was for the most part out of my hands. I know our marriage is crazy, he is bi - polar and I expected some rocky ground at time by marrying a man with bi - polar but I never expected things to become this insane. It's like we're white trash you see on t.v. I have hated my life for a long time because of how things have become but I feel I have a duty to my family. All I've EVER asked of his was to be faithful to me and like I said, because he agreed porn was cheating and asked me not to view it as well, he betrayed me.

Edited September 2, 2014 by mommellen

[mommellen]

Don't take my word for it. Lots of "wtf" and none of it graphic.

 

Some people have different ideas of what it graphic. Sorry you feel mislead.

[thekid36]

I don't feel I have unrealistic expectations of men. I have expectations of my husband, a man that made promises I expect to be kept as I've kept mine. One of my exes had an addiction to porn which was difficult to deal with and ultimately led to him cheating with a family member of mine. So yeah, I chose not to be with men that watched porn. It was choice I made in choosing a partner to spend the rest of my life with. My husband knew of the story involving my ex and we discussed his view as well as mine. We discussed of views of what constitutes cheating. If we hadn't discussed all of the things prior to pursuing our relationship, I wouldn't be so upset by it. The fact that he claimed to share the same view on porn before we became a couple seems like a lie. The fact that he lied and lied about it being him that looked at it on his phone, then said I was sabotaging him, that's insanity to me.

I am aware some comments say I need therapy. I never mentioned if was seeking therapy or not, i guess posting private parts about my life online makes me open for judgement but I didnt poat for judement. I posted to get it off my chest and hope that a comment(s) would provide some sort of comfort. Another poster said something about my son, i am not nieve, I understand men masturbate. It's not the point of my posting. It is how he went about it, the lying, the seeing him in a new light. It's unnerving. I married this man, we had laid everything out from the beginning and cut all the b.s. Saying what we wanted and expected if we pursued a relationship. Some can say I invaded his privacy but I only expect in return what is expected of me. If my phone gets examined whenever he chooses I feel I have the right to look through his. If he accuses me of cheating when I am not but is found to be a cheater by doing something we BOTH agreed is cheating, how am I being blamed on here for being unrealistic and too hard on him? In all reality of he matter, I put up with him treating me like ****, i put up with him walking on on the kids and I when we would ague, i put up with his addicting to pot and not having money because of it or a job, I've put up with him running to his ex twice when we was mad at me, I put up with him choking me a few seconds while seven months pregnant AND DRIVING because i slapped him for making a completely rude, mean and untruthful comment about something duragatory. I put up with a lot because we're married and I have an obligation to our marriage and our kids. The only thing he says he has to complain about is that I bitch. I had two kids back to back and had to take a hormone shot with the last pregnancy. I feel bitching was for the most part out of my hands. I know our marriage is crazy, he is bi - polar and I expected some rocky ground at time by marrying a man with bi - polar but I never expected things to become this insane. It's like we're white trash you see on t.v. I have hated my life for a long time because of how things have become but I feel I have a duty to my family. All I've EVER asked of his was to be faithful to me and like I said, because he agreed porn was cheating and asked me not to view it as well, he betrayed me.

 

 

I happen to absolutely agree with you. Realize that you are bound to get many different opinions on here. Most will not necessarily be like yours and mine. The only one which matters is your own. He was totally dishonest with you when this issue came up. Some will say he claimed to be okay with it because what you are asking is not really fair. This is not even close to a valid excuse. A lie is dishonest no matter how you slice it. Honesty is a fair and important trait to look for within a partner. You went with an important decision based on his initital response. That is all on him to be honest. Sad that so many have come to judge you. People who do not even know you at all. I apologize for the ignorance of those. There are many on here who feel the need to defend porn no matter what. Hiding with the excuse that it's just a part of life and that those who are troubled by it need to get over themselves. That you are being controlling for wanting someone to limit it or stop. Do not be concerned about them at this point. These are the same ones who do not even realize that this all extends beyond porn. He seems like a manipulative and selfish soul who disregards your desires. This is the main issue at hand. You have every right to feel that he cheated. Based on how you look at life. No need to justify your thoughts to anyone at all. Just go with what is best for you going forward. Not with what the masses tend to think.

[TAV]

I don't feel I have unrealistic expectations of men. I have expectations of my husband, a man that made promises I expect to be kept as I've kept mine. One of my exes had an addiction to porn which was difficult to deal with and ultimately led to him cheating with a family member of mine. So yeah, I chose not to be with men that watched porn. It was choice I made in choosing a partner to spend the rest of my life with. My husband knew of the story involving my ex and we discussed his view as well as mine. We discussed of views of what constitutes cheating. If we hadn't discussed all of the things prior to pursuing our relationship, I wouldn't be so upset by it. The fact that he claimed to share the same view on porn before we became a couple seems like a lie. The fact that he lied and lied about it being him that looked at it on his phone, then said I was sabotaging him, that's insanity to me.

I am aware some comments say I need therapy. I never mentioned if was seeking therapy or not, i guess posting private parts about my life online makes me open for judgement but I didnt poat for judement. I posted to get it off my chest and hope that a comment(s) would provide some sort of comfort. Another poster said something about my son, i am not nieve, I understand men masturbate. It's not the point of my posting. It is how he went about it, the lying, the seeing him in a new light. It's unnerving. I married this man, we had laid everything out from the beginning and cut all the b.s. Saying what we wanted and expected if we pursued a relationship. Some can say I invaded his privacy but I only expect in return what is expected of me. If my phone gets examined whenever he chooses I feel I have the right to look through his. If he accuses me of cheating when I am not but is found to be a cheater by doing something we BOTH agreed is cheating, how am I being blamed on here for being unrealistic and too hard on him? In all reality of he matter, I put up with him treating me like ****, i put up with him walking on on the kids and I when we would ague, i put up with his addicting to pot and not having money because of it or a job, I've put up with him running to his ex twice when we was mad at me, I put up with him choking me a few seconds while seven months pregnant AND DRIVING because i slapped him for making a completely rude, mean and untruthful comment about something duragatory. I put up with a lot because we're married and I have an obligation to our marriage and our kids. The only thing he says he has to complain about is that I bitch. I had two kids back to back and had to take a hormone shot with the last pregnancy. I feel bitching was for the most part out of my hands. I know our marriage is crazy, he is bi - polar and I expected some rocky ground at time by marrying a man with bi - polar but I never expected things to become this insane. It's like we're white trash you see on t.v. I have hated my life for a long time because of how things have become but I feel I have a duty to my family. All I've EVER asked of his was to be faithful to me and like I said, because he agreed porn was cheating and asked me not to view it as well, he betrayed me.

 

It would help if you cut your post into separate paragraphs, would make reading it easier.

 

And it seems that nieve is the new spelling of naive here at LS. Of new members at least. Hmmm.

 

Anyway, the posters who said the relationship is unhealthy apparently were on to something when I read all this. Wow, that's a whole season of Eastenders.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have hated my life for a long time because of how things have become but I feel I have a duty to my family.

You're all over the place here, a little like the 9 blind men examining the elephant and coming to very different conclusions as to what it looks like.

 

On one hand, were your relationship healthy, his jerking off in the bathroom would be a non-issue.

 

But the real issue is, given the other issues in your marriage, the source of his orgasms should be way down the list of your concerns.

 

I hope this internet forum isn't the only place you're going for help. There are problems here that if not addressed will tear your life apart. Or I should say, further apart. What resources do you have for counseling and help?

 

Mr. Lucky

[thekid36]

You're all over the place here, a little like the 9 blind men examining the elephant and coming to very different conclusions as to what it looks like.

 

On one hand, were your relationship healthy, his jerking off in the bathroom would be a non-issue.

 

But the real issue is, given the other issues in your marriage, the source of his orgasms should be way down the list of your concerns.

 

I hope this internet forum isn't the only place you're going for help. There are problems here that if not addressed will tear your life apart. Or I should say, further apart. What resources do you have for counseling and help?

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Totally agree there needs to be more resources. Also, that the issue extends far beyond the source of his orgasms. The thing is that she seems to feel betrayed because of them. Thus, the porn use is still rather relevant and cannot be completely discarded.

[mommellen]

It's more about being hurt by how he is treating me and the porn is the straw that broke the camels back. I have been wanting therapy for about 2 years and back then he wasn't working but he wouldn't watch the kids so I could go, he was worried I'd be driving to an affair instead of therapy. In present time we don't have a vehicle anymore. My dad gives him rides to and from work, with his work schedule I can't just go have leave the kids with him because he isn't home. I have no friends anymore and no one in our families can babysit while I attend because of their schedules and of course, the lack of a vehicle. It is quite a mess and like I said in my other post, I was hoping for some kind of understanding or comfort but have been repeatedly insulted. Thank you to those that have been helpful, shame on those who would rather kick a person while they're down.

[Keenly]

Men can masturbate without looking at porn. It also seems he is using this as a substitute to sex with his other half. Seems as if he has lied to her in the past about it. Not to mention that he has gone behind her back multiple times. Also, that he seems to basically treat her like crap. That does not actually suggest a problem on his end? It amazes me that so many on here continue sticking up for porn users at all costs. As if it is something which needs to be protected no matter what else may be in the mix. It is not even the porn that I am against. It is how people continue treating one another. Not saying change should simply be forced. Do not get involved with someone who doesn't appreciate porn if you cannot get rid of it being such a large part of your life. It really is rather simple.

 

This is you trying to tell another person how to love their life. Just because you don't like pen doesn't give you the right to demand other people don't watch it.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Oh my goodness...yet ANOTHER post regarding PORN and the wreckage it leaves behind.

 

Listen, I was married to a porn addict so I completely and fully understand the challenges and the heartache that go hand in hand with this. Believe me. It seriously f*cked with my self esteem for years!

 

Thankfully I got through it and come out at the other end alive and kicking. Today, I actually DON'T have any problems with porn in and of itself despite my experience. Hell, I enjoy it both on my own and with my partner and it really can be a fabulous addition to a couple's sex life.

 

What I have an issue with is when porn REPLACES a partner. When one's sex life suffers as a result of. THAT is the issue more than porn itself.

 

Having said all of this, it is crystal clear that there is SO much more going on in your marriage than JUST porn. The details you've revealed not only raise dozens of red flags but show a pattern that hasn't yet been broken.

 

With regards to your low self esteem, this is your issue not his. It's playing a huge role in your relationship and ultimately holding you hostage. Your husband isn't responsible for your happiness, he can't change the way you see yourself and certainly can't "fix" you, only YOU can do that.

 

Between your low self esteem, your past experience with exes and porn and the underlining issues that are apparent in your marriage porn makes for the perfect scapegoat. I don't believe it is the main catalyst for the issues in your marriage.

 

I don't mean to be unsympathetic to your situation because I'm not. I understand that life is challenging right now and having a low self-esteem certainly doesn't help matters.

 

Where there is a will, there is way. Counselling is indeed the bell I'm going to ring as well if not for the both of you then just for yourself so you can build yourself back up again.

 

Good luck.

[thekid36]

It's more about being hurt by how he is treating me and the porn is the straw that broke the camels back. I have been wanting therapy for about 2 years and back then he wasn't working but he wouldn't watch the kids so I could go, he was worried I'd be driving to an affair instead of therapy. In present time we don't have a vehicle anymore. My dad gives him rides to and from work, with his work schedule I can't just go have leave the kids with him because he isn't home. I have no friends anymore and no one in our families can babysit while I attend because of their schedules and of course, the lack of a vehicle. It is quite a mess and like I said in my other post, I was hoping for some kind of understanding or comfort but have been repeatedly insulted. Thank you to those that have been helpful, shame on those who would rather kick a person while they're down.

 

 

The thing is that you have every right to be hurt. No one knows what is going on over there better than you. I still think the issues extend beyond the use of porn. That was the recent catalyst which seems to have you thinking about things. Thinking is definitely a terrific thing! Especially, when one is going through so many things. You definitely deserve to be happy! The bottom line is that you may need to weigh benefits of staying with leaving. Since he does not seem willing to budge or compromise on anything. Including the lack of desire to try therapy.

[thekid36]

This is you trying to tell another person how to love their life. Just because you don't like pen doesn't give you the right to demand other people don't watch it.

 

 

No, this is not me trying to tell anyone how to 'live' their life. Plus, I have nothing at all against 'porn'. What I continue to be is someone who values things like honesty, integrity, and respect. Things which should perhaps be sort of important when one is in a relationship with another individual.

[beatcuff]

<<snip>> I was using the bathroom after his shower and his phone was sitting out, I peeked at it. It was like the phone was calling my name so I checked his Web history and it was clear. I went to put it down and held the home button, the recent apps popped up and one showed porn. I was immediately crushed. We talked about my view of porn in the beginning of our relationship, so he was well aware. My husband has also been very well aware of my very low self esteem from the beginning as well. <<snip>>

 

i am very troubled by this email and some of the responses.

 

first OP lead with their best shot. this is it? seriously you do not want your hubby to masturbate. and if he does, it damages your fragile esteem. you better be sitting down --- i am certain when an attractive woman walks by he will look. fine no porn --- oh no when he "m" he is thinking of ------ your friend or a person at the office or.....

 

it would be different if you just asked for some and he passed for "m".

 

and for those that agree with the OP:

 

this is not controlling? seriously? more than two shakes and he is playing with himself????

 

and how do you police it? naked search? follow him EVERYWHERE? watch him shower, poop?

 

i STRONGLY urge the OP to rewrite this and repost --- leaving out the "m" and the damage it causes you. because there are serious issues and i am certain you will get some good feedback. but as you can tell your first lines are driving this thread and frankly is it nothing but a smoke screen.

[thekid36]

i am very troubled by this email and some of the responses.

 

first OP lead with their best shot. this is it? seriously you do not want your hubby to masturbate. and if he does, it damages your fragile esteem. you better be sitting down --- i am certain when an attractive woman walks by he will look. fine no porn --- oh no when he "m" he is thinking of ------ your friend or a person at the office or.....

 

it would be different if you just asked for some and he passed for "m".

 

and for those that agree with the OP:

 

this is not controlling? seriously? more than two shakes and he is playing with himself????

 

and how do you police it? naked search? follow him EVERYWHERE? watch him shower, poop?

 

i STRONGLY urge the OP to rewrite this and repost --- leaving out the "m" and the damage it causes you. because there are serious issues and i am certain you will get some good feedback. but as you can tell your first lines are driving this thread and frankly is it nothing but a smoke screen.

 

 

I am rather troubled by some of the responses as well. It is not fair to blame this on her low self-esteem. Which no doubt has been hindered by his specifically selfish actions. It seems as if the porn is being used like a substitute for physical intimacy. Wanting to have a partner be honest and respectful is not necessarily being controlling. It is not as if she wants to change everything about his personality. She has an issue with porn that was supposedly addressed awhile back. He obviously failed to be up front with her at that time. Caused her to act in a way she may not have had the truth been known. I have a hunch that she knows this is not the only issue at hand here. Came for advice or support and to vent yet since has been repeatedly judged. As if he is basically innocent and the only problem is pretty much all within her own mind.

[pteromom]

he said, "I'm just getting sick of your dumb sh*t", in reference to my absent - mindedness at the end of a long day. Over the past few months when we argue he made remarks like, "don't worry soon you won't have to" when I said I was getting fed up dealing with him putting me down every chance he gets, even in video games. I explained he has been very hard on me lately and he says "stop doing things you know that annoys me". I've been dealing with him accusing me of cheating for months now and making good comments about "tell your boyfriend I said hi", when I am on my phone and when I complained my back hurt very badly from twisting it carrying the kids he said, "tell your boyfriend to stop doing you from behind and it will stop hurting".

 

Ewww. This is all a much bigger issue than the porn. He's a cruel person. You can do better.