Breaking vows, soul mates, etc.

[Realist3]

This is in reference to the discussions in the now closed thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/503908-meeting-your-soul-mate-while-married

 

 

The issue of breaking vows was brought up.

 

I'm sure for most of us that have married, somewhere in those vows the phrase ' 'til death do us part' was part of the mix in some form or fashion, either overtly stated or implied.

 

The most common breakage of a marriage vow is cheating. 99 times out of 100 the advise given to a person who is thinking about entering into an affair is, 'divorce your spouse, and then pursue what you want.' All well and good.

 

The question was posed:

Is this regardless of the vows, promises and commitments we made to the people around us - spouses, children, etc. - that we're supposed to love and protect ???

 

The point I want to make is whether you cheat or you divorce, you are breaking those vows.

 

Then another question:

Have you destroyed your family? Is that why you are so nonchalant about it?

 

No, I haven't destroyed my family, but I did break a vow.

 

This parlays into the 'soul mate' discussion. It is an easily derided term; partly because it is so nebulous, and partly because I don't think most people ever meet their soul mate.

 

Let's face it, most everyone in a committed relationship has settled in some way.

 

At 46 I am a very much different person that I was at 20, as every one is as well. When I met my current AP at 41 I was who I was, and the same for her. There didn't need to be any settling. We got each other. She was the second 'soul mate' I had met in my life, and I was not going to let her get away. The first one lived in a different country, and was not ever going to happen. The point being is that so few of us ever connect with that special person because it is pure chance. Each of us could have 1 million 'soul mates' on this planet, but the chance of ever meeting that person at the right time, is practically nil. If by the odd chance you do? I would suggest you follow that opportunity regardless if it means breaking a vow.

 

My MW and I had a very similar discussion about a week ago. 62 months ago when we first connected we both knew it. And after all of the BS, and hoop jumping, and roller coaster rides of emotions, and moral conflicts that have come with it, we still know it today. That is why it has continued.

 

When and if you ever get that opportunity; take it.

[Dean13]

Using finding your "soul mate" as as excuse to cheat behind your partner's back is weak. If you at some point loved your partner enough to marry them, then they deserve honesty about the state of their relationship. If things aren't working out, every effort should be made to repair things.

 

The easy way out is to find someone else who has things in common with you and you are attracted to and call them your "soul mate".

[A.Moscote]

Take it? Just like that?

 

What are the possible worst consequences if you dismiss/avoid that chance? What terrible things could happen to your life if you didn't get to be with your soul mate?

 

Compare that to the possible consequences of an affair, would you still advice us to take it?

[FusionCutter]

This is in reference to the discussions in the now closed thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/503908-meeting-your-soul-mate-while-married

 

 

The issue of breaking vows was brought up.

 

I'm sure for most of us that have married, somewhere in those vows the phrase ' 'til death do us part' was part of the mix in some form or fashion, either overtly stated or implied.

 

The most common breakage of a marriage vow is cheating. 99 times out of 100 the advise given to a person who is thinking about entering into an affair is, 'divorce your spouse, and then pursue what you want.' All well and good.

 

The question was posed:

 

The point I want to make is whether you cheat or you divorce, you are breaking those vows.

 

Then another question:

 

No, I haven't destroyed my family, but I did break a vow.

 

This parlays into the 'soul mate' discussion. It is an easily derided term; partly because it is so nebulous, and partly because I don't think most people ever meet their soul mate.

 

Let's face it, most everyone in a committed relationship has settled in some way.

 

At 46 I am a very much different person that I was at 20, as every one is as well. When I met my current AP at 41 I was who I was, and the same for her. There didn't need to be any settling. We got each other. She was the second 'soul mate' I had met in my life, and I was not going to let her get away. The first one lived in a different country, and was not ever going to happen. The point being is that so few of us ever connect with that special person because it is pure chance. Each of us could have 1 million 'soul mates' on this planet, but the chance of ever meeting that person at the right time, is practically nil. If by the odd chance you do? I would suggest you follow that opportunity regardless if it means breaking a vow.

 

My MW and I had a very similar discussion about a week ago. 62 months ago when we first connected we both knew it. And after all of the BS, and hoop jumping, and roller coaster rides of emotions, and moral conflicts that have come with it, we still know it today. That is why it has continued.

 

When and if you ever get that opportunity; take it.

 

Its hard to say these things without sounding hostile but really I am saying these things in a gentle tone.

 

I think you telling yourself all these things as to be justifying this all to yourself in a very strange way. If your MW is your "soul mate.", why has it taken 62 months for nothing to happen?

 

Ever thing about telling your wife or her husband? What about living honestly and with integrity?

 

Why not divorce your wife/family to be available fully for your MW? What's stopping you?

 

PS. Soul mates don't sleep with each other, and then go and f*** other people. They usually put the needs of each other above their own without any other selfish collateral damage done.

[stillmind]

I believe in soul mates and I believe I married my soul mate, but I also don't believe that finding your "soul mate" is necessary to be truly happy with the person you're with. I look back on our soul mate marriage and we've had to work on communication and compromise and kindness just like any other couple. There have been plenty of times over the years when our marriage could have fallen apart if we didn't put the effort in. Having the intense connection we do probably helped, but I think the most important factor in our happiness was just the willingness on both sides to put in an effort.

 

So after years and kids and ups and downs together, I don't think our soul mate connection is as important to our marriage and our happiness as the work we've put in (and the work we continue to put in).

 

It seems foolish to throw away years of growing and loving based on an immediate connection with someone else. Ultimately I don't think soul mates mean much.

[Realist3]

Using finding your "soul mate" as as excuse to cheat behind your partner's back is weak. If you at some point loved your partner enough to marry them, then they deserve honesty about the state of their relationship. If things aren't working out, every effort should be made to repair things.

 

The easy way out is to find someone else who has things in common with you and you are attracted to and call them your "soul mate".

 

None of what you stated pertains to the subject at hand. I was not discussing excuses, nor was I offering an excuse.

 

There are no easy ways out, although some may suggest cheating is the easier path in the near term; it really is not.

 

Attempting to repair something that can never be is an act in futility.

[Realist3]

Its hard to say these things without sounding hostile but really I am saying these things in a gentle tone.

 

I think you telling yourself all these things as to be justifying this all to yourself in a very strange way. If your MW is your "soul mate.", why has it taken 62 months for nothing to happen?

 

Because the way it is, is the way we both want it to be for the time being.

 

Ever thing about telling your wife or her husband? What about living honestly and with integrity?

 

My wife knows, and has known since month three. It is her H that doesn't that that is her choice, not mine.

 

Why not divorce your wife/family to be available fully for your MW? What's stopping you?

 

Numerous different reasons, all of which have been discussed ad infinitum between the two of us. Just not in the cards right now.

 

PS. Soul mates don't sleep with each other, and then go and f*** other people. They usually put the needs of each other above their own without any other selfish collateral damage done.

 

That is your opinion and you are certainly entitled to it. Some times they do and sometimes they don't, each case is different. There is no absolute.

 

I may meet this person when I'm 20 if I am lucky. I may meet them at 40, 60, or 80. The later in life the more complications that come along with it. When everything is added up it may not be worth pursuing. There are certainly many factors that weigh into these decisions.

[autumnnight]

I still don't understand why someone can't just set their spouse free and THEN pursue the alleged soulmate?

[Realist3]

I believe in soul mates and I believe I married my soul mate, but I also don't believe that finding your "soul mate" is necessary to be truly happy with the person you're with. I look back on our soul mate marriage and we've had to work on communication and compromise and kindness just like any other couple. There have been plenty of times over the years when our marriage could have fallen apart if we didn't put the effort in. Having the intense connection we do probably helped, but I think the most important factor in our happiness was just the willingness on both sides to put in an effort.

 

So after years and kids and ups and downs together, I don't think our soul mate connection is as important to our marriage and our happiness as the work we've put in (and the work we continue to put in).

 

It seems foolish to throw away years of growing and loving based on an immediate connection with someone else. Ultimately I don't think soul mates mean much.

 

I totally agree with what you posted.

 

I'm not suggesting that even with a soul mate that marriage will be an easy undergoing. It is tough. With that special person though it makes it much more likely to succeed.

 

I'm happy for you that you met that person. Be thankful.

[Realist3]

I still don't understand why someone can't just set their spouse free and THEN pursue the alleged soulmate?

 

They can.

 

I am going to make some assumptions from your post, so pardon me if I get some of your intent wrong.

 

To me your statement reads is as follows: "If you think you have found that special person, why not just leave everything you have built with your spouse and THEN pursue a new life?"

 

Those sentiments are very common.

 

I can only speak for myself and my MW. While my marriage of 16 years, at the time, was 'okay' in most aspects, it was not fulfilling. Going through the motions comfortably numb. We have all the money we want, have the house we want, have the second home we want, have all the toys we want, have the social status we want. Everything from the outside could not look more perfect. I could easily stay in this exact same position until the day I die and be happy, even content. I have what 85% of most people would ever hope for, so does my MW. That remaining is the 15% that can't be bought, can't be manufactured, can't be found, but with that person.

 

Do we throw all of what we have built away on the hopes that we can make all of the people in our lives happy with our choice? Perhaps, but that alone will be a huge struggle, and the odds really aren't in our favor. My kids love their mom, and our family unit, and the same goes for her children.

 

We can look at each other and be certain how we would be with each other, but there are so many other facets that we can't be sure of that are very important to out lives. Simply, you could be trading one great for a couple of other bads.

 

I could go on and on and on, but when you realize what you have is pretty dang good, is chasing after that last 15% worth it for all involved?

[Realist3]

We are not able to make those people see who never opened their eyes. Whatever happens, as I know exactly what you mean, we met them, and we know. You cannot evet describe it to them Realist!

 

If you haven't felt it you can't describe it.

[purplesorrow]

They can.

 

I am going to make some assumptions from your post, so pardon me if I get some of your intent wrong.

 

To me your statement reads is as follows: "If you think you have found that special person, why not just leave everything you have built with your spouse and THEN pursue a new life?"

 

Those sentiments are very common.

 

I can only speak for myself and my MW. While my marriage of 16 years, at the time, was 'okay' in most aspects, it was not fulfilling. Going through the motions comfortably numb. We have all the money we want, have the house we want, have the second home we want, have all the toys we want, have the social status we want. Everything from the outside could not look more perfect. I could easily stay in this exact same position until the day I die and be happy, even content. I have what 85% of most people would ever hope for, so does my MW. That remaining is the 15% that can't be bought, can't be manufactured, can't be found, but with that person.

 

Do we throw all of what we have built away on the hopes that we can make all of the people in our lives happy with our choice? Perhaps, but that alone will be a huge struggle, and the odds really aren't in our favor. My kids love their mom, and our family unit, and the same goes for her children.

 

We can look at each other and be certain how we would be with each other, but there are so many other facets that we can't be sure of that are very important to out lives. Simply, you could be trading one great for a couple of other bads.

 

I could go on and on and on, but when you realize what you have is pretty dang good, is chasing after that last 15% worth it for all involved?

 

So are you ok with your wife finding her soulmate and going for it?

[Realist3]

Sure. Why wouldn't I be? Why would I not want her to? Whatever makes her the happiest I am for her doing.

[purplesorrow]

Sure. Why wouldn't I be? Why would I not want her to? Whatever makes her the happiest I am for her doing.

 

She may think her soulmate is worth leaving everything for. Have you encouraged her to date? Your end of the marriage is already open. If you haven't, perhaps you should let her know she is free to date and find happiness. To find someone who really loves her.

[Realist3]

She may think her soulmate is worth leaving everything for. Have you encouraged her to date? Your end of the marriage is already open. If you haven't, perhaps you should let her know she is free to date and find happiness. To find someone who really loves her.

 

I have never placed any restrictions on her whatsoever. She is free to do whatever she so chooses and she knows that. She is not some Stepford wife. She travels on her own(and or with friends) all across the world. She spent two weeks in Taiwan and China last month with a girlfriend for fun. She does any and everything she wants to do. She doesn't need my permission or encouragement.

[Dean13]

Soul mates is just another way of saying someone better came along, so I'm done with you now.

[Mr. Lucky]

At 46 I am a very much different person that I was at 20, as every one is as well.

When and if you ever get that opportunity; take it.

 

So what then happens at 60? I'm a different person in my 6th decade than I was at 46, so do I bail again for the next "soulmate", do I "take it"?

 

Perhaps we simply have different visions and aspirations in life. For me, contentment is seen in a longer term context and happiness is reflected off family, friends and loved ones...

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

True soul mates, you'd be together and both of you would be divorced. Each of you would move heaven and earth to make it happen, do it as quickly as possible so the pain of your spouses (well, her husband) wouldn't be dragged on and on and on... You'd both divorce because you both want to be married to one another.

 

Having an affair and continuing to stay married is just two people having it all on the expense of their spouses. Your affair and the dynamic between you two is like the circle game, nothing has changed and in 5 years from now it'll still be the same.

[star gaze]

Realist3, I want to ask you something and if I sound disrespectful, I apologize.

 

I don’t think you are using/thinking of the word “soulmate” as most people do. With all the nuances and shades and nebulous meanings that these words pertaining to “feelings” carry, most people use this word to someone with whom one has supposedly unique and complete connection, the connection so strong that its, well, over the family, money, children and everything else. These mere reasons/hurdles like children and income should come second to “soulmates”, no? These reasons should not stop “soulmates” from remaining separate daily, from sleeping with other (BSs) and meeting covertly, no?

 

And you said “We can look at each other and be certain how we would be with each other, but there are so many other facets that we can't be sure of that are very important to our lives. Simply, you could be trading one great for a couple of other bads.” But, for “soulmates”, a couple of bads should not matter. IMO, soulmates is fairytail concept. Nobody can have 100% from a single person. You said, you have 85 % of what you need from your family, and you are with MW for rest of 15% unmet needs. Lets say, you married your soulmates and now, she meets your 95% needs because of “a couple of other bads”, so what if you again meet somebody who,say, meets your 97% needs? Will your soulmate wife cease to be soulmate? I also want to ask you the same question as purplesnow asked, so would you ok with your wife finding her soulmate and going for it, 62 months ago (when you didn’t know your soulmate exist?

[FusionCutter]

It's really not like that. I know where Realist is....it's trying to live without that soulmate and finding it impossible. Both he and I have tried several times to fight iour feelings, convincing ourselves we can live without them, but it just leads to discontent and well, a dull monotonous life., not horrible, just unfulfilling. It's hard to hurt everyone when they've done nothing wrong so you try to go on..but I'm the same...just end up well, depressed )-: it's not eating your cake, because you really are forcefeeding .

 

Stop being so dramatic. If i told you that the you saw your soul mate one more time would mean the immediate death of your family, you wouldn't. It's not "impossible". It is a choice.

[todreaminblue]

breaking a vow to cheat with a soul mate is as bad as breaking a vow to cheat with a stranger.......suggesting that people should cheat....is a violation agaisnt god and specifically on what marriage is about...which is keeping vows and commitments......if you marry ....you are married and should behave as you should, because you meant every word of those vows you said in front of god and the ones you love.....for better or for worse......

 

 

it comes to my mind that you meet strangers and you also meet people you connect with every day........doesnt mean you should chase after them simply because you connect with them on any level.....you forgo making deeper intimate connections when you are married you are....taken....not available...committed...you are promised with someone else..they are your soul mate.....the one and only ..... your heart belongs with them...more importantly....your commitment to see the marriage through till death do you part........is more than a piece of paper with a decree written on it......its a promise to the god above ......its a promise to the one you professed to love.....and its a promise that others heard you make.......promises like that.....are sacred......meant to be kept upheld to the highest order given ....and honored....there are exceptions to the rule.........but that exception doesnt include finding a sexual, spiritual and emotional connection with someone else and forgoing all you promised in a binding marriage commitment......deb

[xxoo]

Would you be happy with your soul mate without all the trappings?

 

Is this predicament a result of life choices based on material gain, and not human connection?

[autumnnight]

I'll put it another way, if the soulmate is wonderful and there's nothing wrong with pursuing them then why not tell your spouse "I've found my true soulmate but I want you too" and give THEM the same choice? Keeping them in the dark is just a way to have both and suffer no consequences. Where do right and wrong fit in here?

[Got it]

In regards to the question of going after the additional 15%? As a fMOW I say yes, it is worth it.

 

I completely understand the reasons for staying married, I understand the gamble with the kids, lifestyle, etc. and it is a personal choice on what to do. Your wife knows so it isn't something you are hiding.

 

Personally my husband and I both felt that yes, our relationship was worth continuing but, more so, our marriages were not worth continue. This was something noticed and deep dived prior to our relationship so independent of any mutual feelings.

 

So I did feel, yes, to cheat on my ex husband meant I was done and immediately done. That I was not going to be able to invest in him emotionally or physically at any point going forward and so I was going to move to separate/divorce. Money didn't factor in for us as we made equal amounts and "losing" the other person's income didn't really matter. We had no kids.

 

For my AP, he does have children so that was a major factor. He did worry about hurting them, "giving up" on the marriage, etc. For him he emotionally was done after her affair so didn't think/appreciate how she would react to his affair. But had been biding his time until the kids were adults to divorce. Our relationship expedited things.

 

So, yes, I broke my vows. But I don't believe in soul mates or this idea of "one". I have no regrets over divorcing and I know my ex husband is far happier now than I could have ever made him. We just weren't a good fit and that is okay.

 

My father, didn't have an affair, but was in a miserable marriage (actually my mom was the one that did cheat), and was waiting for the kids to grow up. I have argued this point but I don't think staying for the kids is a good reason to stay.

 

At the end of the day it is each person's personal decision and no one else needs to agree. There are ripple effects to our decisions, though, and we have to be okay with them.

[Rainbowlove]

I get what you are saying. There was a part of me that thought my AP was my Twin Flame. The connection was so powerful and immediate like nothing I've ever experienced before. I'm a logical person. I'm not someone who has ever cheated on anyone and never thought I would.

 

But this meeting was so profound and life changing. I felt alive in ways I've never felt before and I haven't felt in my 20 year marriage.

 

I tried to do the right thing. It started as an immediate and intense friendship and evolved to more over a two year period. All the while, everyone else could see the energy between us when we were together, but we didn't see it. When I finally did see it and admitted to myself I had feelings for someone else, I was upfront about my feelings for this person with my spouse separated for months before acting on anything.

 

I wish today I could have made a different choice. The truth is all that "soul mate" and "twin flame" talk is just "the wayward fog" experience. It's not that special. It's not worth losing your self-respect, integrity, trustworthiness and certainly not worth losing a beautiful spouse and family over.

 

I am out of the fog. Thankfully, I am out of it. Nothing in the world could ever make me go down that road again. Nothing.