Personality of WS's Not Always What You'd Think?

[DbleBetrayal]

I was wondering if there was any similarities in personalities in wayward spouses.

 

Most of us would suspect that wayward spouses are naturally flirty, socially confident, risk takers.

 

I think it's harder to get over infidelity when none of these personality traits match up to your WS. Example, my WH is quite introverted around women, doesn't have female friends or any red flags that he'd ever stoop to that level. He isn't a natural flirt, he even has a bit of a shy streak. He never was a risk taker either. So it came as huge shock he pulled off what he did right under my nose. And it makes me doubt, all the more, who he really is. It made me realise that you can never truly know someone, no matter what.

 

I was wondering if anyone elses WS infidelity came as a true shock, you can't even imagine it happening. And maybe that's the reason they almost got away with it, or do get away with it, because they are a total different person when with others. It's creepy.

 

Are most WS not actually extroverted, overly socially confident, flirts- like we typically believe, but in fact the total opposite? Or is it all variable.

 

What was/is the personality of your WS??

Edited December 1, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[thirtysomethingteen]

Hmm, interesting question. In the case of my husband I'd say he's naturally flirty and socially confident, but not necessarily a risk taker...however he did take the risk of being unfaithful with more than 1 woman!

 

For myself, (I'll answer even though I didn't actually cheat) I would say I am naturally flirty but not really socially confident, which is perhaps a bad mix - I know that I'm "one of those people" who are too dependent on external validation which could get me into trouble if I'm not careful.

 

I would think a lot of it would have to do with how impulsive a person is as well. For me, I'm a compulsive planner, which is what led me to this board...I couldn't even have an affair without having a plan! Which was lucky, as it led to the conclusion that I have it really good and it would be beyond stupid to have sex with another man.

[drifter777]

I believe the BS is nearly always shocked on d-day. Only after the fact does a BS realize just how badly they misjudged their spouse. Its a big reason for the BS' s stunned state of shock - they just can't believe WS did this to them. And I really mean the BS feels that the cheater did this TO them. This "it wasn't about you" crap is just that - crap. When a WS insists their cheating wasn't about their BS they are demonstrating the depth of their narcissism. They have no empathy and can only see things from their point of view.

 

Cheaters come in all varieties but I think a sense of entitlement is a common attribute. My wife was spoiled by her family and always encouraged to take the easy, fun path in life.

[Spark1111]

My fWS is somewhat shy, somewhat insecure, conflict-avoidant ( childhood issues) and a huge, confident risk-taker.

 

He is an excellent communicator unless it is about his feelings, especially insecure feelings he believes shows his insecurities and weaknesses( see conflict-avoidant).

 

He loves attention, flattery, and having his ego boosted, especially by strangers and acquaintances who do not know him intimately. ( childhoods issues).

 

Before and after his affair with a needy, recently D co-worker, he was/is a wonderful father, husband, lover and friend.....

 

But yes, there is a chink in the armor, a weakness for praise and validation that makes him vulnerable and causes a lapse in judgement regarding others.

 

No, in a million years would I, or the hundreds who know us, ever think it possible he would cheat.

 

And no, not in a million years did I, or anyone who knew us intimately ever think I would reconcile.

 

But I did.

[Spark1111]

from what I have read, and I have read extensively, most cheaters have LOW self-esteem, poor communication skills regarding their feelings and are conflict-avoidant.....which renders them weak partners for the long haul unless they work hard to overcome those three characteristics.

 

They crash into someone very much the same,with the same instability or worse.

[drifter777]

from what I have read, and I have read extensively, most cheaters have LOW self-esteem, poor communication skills regarding their feelings and are conflict-avoidant.....which renders them weak partners for the long haul unless they work hard to overcome those three characteristics.

 

They crash into someone very much the same,with the same instability or worse.

As a counterpoint, every one of the attributes you listed applies to me - the BH. My wife is insecure and needs external validation but the opposite of the other two. No problem sharing feelings and never shrinks from conflict.

[Furious]

Personality and character are separate entities. I think those who go against the persona they've built, is often someone who is more concerned about who they appear to be, than who they really are.

 

The best way to define character, is how someone acts when no one is looking.

 

Persona, is defined when everyone is looking.

 

It's not surprising that many people are floored when they've been betrayed and didn't see it coming.

[DbleBetrayal]

I agree, conflict avoiding was a huge thing with my WH. Avoiding conflict builds resentment- which than leads to justifying screwing about. Or at least, makes them feel better about it.

Edited December 1, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[DbleBetrayal]

 

The best way to define character, is how someone acts when no one is looking.

 

Persona, is defined when everyone is looking.

 

That's true. How is one supposed to ever know than? I mean, about someones character before s*** hits the fan? No one knows what people do and think when no ones looking, unless someone is looking and tells you.

[EverySunset]

My STBX WH was a show off. He wasn't pretentious in a conversation but he loved people seeing what he had - which extended to me. He was doting with me, alone and in public. He was never shy. Took big risks. Big gambling man.

 

But the house always wins eventually and cost him almost everything.

 

I was floored but I shouldn't have been.

[DbleBetrayal]

This "it wasn't about you" crap is just that - crap. When a WS insists their cheating wasn't about their BS they are demonstrating the depth of their narcissism. They have no empathy and can only see things from their point of view.

 

My WH has told me his cheating wasn't about me- I felt conflicted with this. On one hand- he isn't blaming his cheating on me- and taking 'full' responsibility for his own actions. And according to marriage counselors everywhere- the admittance of complete ownership is of 'utmost importance' when reconciling. However, it's bittersweet isn't it. It makes the BS feel out of control and even more questions... like if If I was doing everything right and nothing wrong- than why do that?

 

On the other hand if they blame the Betrayed, it's like- well why didn't WS communicate that, or why didn't they just separate it was that bad?

 

Either way you look at it though, and even if they blame it on themselves or BS- it's still a hurtful selfish thing to do. I guess narcissism plays a large part in the WS's personality. What else can explain it??

 

Cheaters come in all varieties but I think a sense of entitlement is a common attribute. My wife was spoiled by her family and always encouraged to take the easy, fun path in life.

 

At the end of the day... it is about self entitlement. It's the sad truth to try to get over.

Edited December 1, 2014 by DbleBetrayal

[Furious]

That's true. How is one supposed to ever know than? I mean, about someones character before s*** hits the fan? No one knows what people do and think when no ones looking, unless someone is looking and tells you.

 

 

That's the million dollar question. I wish I had the solution to this. Those that are deceptive, are those who manipulate and rely on being trusted. Sadly, without trust you cannot have a healthy relationship and it's normal to trust the person who you married and built a life with.

 

It happens to many spouses that are blindsided by what seems unimaginable. That's why it hurts so much and is so difficult to heal from.

 

In hindsight, trusting your gut is a huge thing. In hindsight you may see that actions and words did not match up. Blind trust is overrated.... I think the key is regaining trust in yourself, trust that you're wiser, more experienced, and that being deceived does not define you.

 

Understand that you can't fix or ever really understand someone else's actions, that is their job not yours. Your energy and time is better spent on your path to healing and moving forward with or without them.

[insert_name]

from what I have read, and I have read extensively, most cheaters have LOW self-esteem, poor communication skills regarding their feelings and are conflict-avoidant.....which renders them weak partners for the long haul unless they work hard to overcome those three characteristics.

 

They crash into someone very much the same,with the same instability or worse.

 

Never been married, but my reasons for cheating on a girl that I was in a long term, loving relationship with match up with the characteristics given above- particularly low self esteem.

 

I suffer from low self esteem and always needed external validation, even though I was heavily involved with an attractive girl with a great figure and personality. When you are in a long term relationship and have a poor view of yourself it does get to a point where you take your other half's attraction for granted so you need to seek out more to know that you still 'have it'. An additional factor is that I craved the admiration of my peers, so when they saw a girl who was a friend of friend and declared how hot she was, it became a challenge to me to insert myself into this girl's life and see if I could get to know her better. I didn't initially intend to cheat I just wanted to get to know her and see if I could elicit some attraction and validation...or maybe thats wishful thinking.

 

Either way, it was the worst thing I ever did in my entire life.

[flowergirl14]

Charateristics of my cheating husband. 1. He is socially extroverted in situations he feels confident in like work and friends. 2. Very quiet around people he doesnt know or in places he isnt totally comfortable in. (My families get togethers)3. Brags about his ability to get people to open up. (Hmm??) 4. Very concerned about people thinking he is doing the right thing. For example, not wearing a trench coat into a store for fear someone will think he is shoplifting. I find this the most hypocritical because he cares about this but can cheat on me. Wtf!

5. Self centered -not too interested in his kids. 6. Not emotional 7. Liar 8. Cheater!

[gettingstronger]

My husband is also an introvert-had a troubled childhood and seemed to have beaten the odds and was a model husband and father-what I totally missed is that he has low self esteem and although he has accomplished far more than anyone would have imagined given his background he was still that sad kid that never felt he measured up-

 

That added to the fact he travels extensively, has all the perks of a frequent travelers and is attractive was the perfect storm for him to be a selfish jerk-

 

He took advantage of all he and I had built together-love, trust, understanding- and pretty much ruined all the progress he has made in his life-

 

He is having a hard time coping with the fact he became just like everyone from his past thought (well, everyone but me, ironic no?) he would be-

 

He is working hard to accept his weaknesses and be who he can be-its hard work for sure-

[jm2013]

I would think most of the cheaters cheat due to low self esteem and confidence issues. This will probably vary between men and women. I'm sure most men engaged in an affair are only after the sex initially. Men are a little different than women. Sex for men helps with more bonding while women like more emotional investing.

 

But as anything else, I think it comes down to the initial emotional investments that were lacking in any relationship. When something is lacking there will always be a third party somewhere who will eventually pickup that slack. My WW does not fit your profile. In fact, I fit your profile more than she does. I'm socially confident, outgoing, can be flirty and am also a risk taker. On the other hand she is not confident is not a risk taker and isn't very outgoing. I have had a handful of opportunities through the course of our relationship and marriage where I could have had my own affairs. I never thought twice about it. I knew who I had wanted to come home to at the end of the day. Having an affair was the end all in my eyes. If I wanted to end it all I would have done it. I would have had to be extremely comfortable knowing I wasn't going to be with my wife cause I would have planned for that if I had executed such a thing.

 

There just happened to be another man who eventually started investing in my WW emotionally while I was absent making our family money (another slap in the face). I was planning our future while she was out messing around with her co-worker. I'm not even sure how she felt comfortable talking about building our dream home while going back to work messing around with him. Extremely perplexing to say the least. My wife came from a rather conservative background who's parents are still married unhappily ever after 30 something years later. I'm not sure if her upbringing had anything to do with it as well. But to answer your question, I think cheating is extremely variable. There are too many different reason a cheater will cheat. I think the following are some things that would probably spark an affair.

 

1) Loss of emotional investments

2) Boring sex

3) No sex

4) Thrill affairs

5) Mundane relationships

6) Boring relationship/marriage

7) Low self esteem

8) Sex addict

9) Constant arguing/nagging which creates resentment

10) Loss of Spouse's interests/growing apart

[elaine567]

I don't believe there is a personality trait associated with cheating.

Mousy, "wouldn't hurt a fly" women cheat, brazen hussies cheat, rigid control freaks cheat, and mild mannered "good" guys cheat.

Blatently "flirty" men and women by the same token may not dream of cheating.

 

There are varying reasons why people cheat too, some may never think of cheating at one stage of their life but at another they are ripe for cheating, given the opportunity. Some cheat in their twenties and some cheat in their sixties... Some are always scouting around looking for people to cheat with and for others it just happens, quite unexpectedly.

Some cheaters are in grossly unhappy marriages and others are in fantastic, "dream" marriages.

 

I tend to agree with Furious in that we are all different people inside to that which we project to others, and by others I also mean our partners and spouses.

 

Given the right time, the right partner, the opportunity, the will and how we truly feel inside, we can all be vulnerable to cheating on our partner.

No-one can second guess anyone else's real stance as to whether they will cheat or not in the right circumstances.

[DbleBetrayal]

I would think most of the cheaters cheat due to low self esteem and confidence issues. This will probably vary between men and women. I'm sure most men engaged in an affair are only after the sex initially. Men are a little different than women. Sex for men helps with more bonding while women like more emotional investing.

 

But as anything else, I think it comes down to the initial emotional investments that were lacking in any relationship. When something is lacking there will always be a third party somewhere who will eventually pickup that slack. My WW does not fit your profile. In fact, I fit your profile more than she does. I'm socially confident, outgoing, can be flirty and am also a risk taker. On the other hand she is not confident is not a risk taker and isn't very outgoing. I have had a handful of opportunities through the course of our relationship and marriage where I could have had my own affairs. I never thought twice about it. I knew who I had wanted to come home to at the end of the day. Having an affair was the end all in my eyes. If I wanted to end it all I would have done it. I would have had to be extremely comfortable knowing I wasn't going to be with my wife cause I would have planned for that if I had executed such a thing.

 

There just happened to be another man who eventually started investing in my WW emotionally while I was absent making our family money (another slap in the face). I was planning our future while she was out messing around with her co-worker. I'm not even sure how she felt comfortable talking about building our dream home while going back to work messing around with him. Extremely perplexing to say the least. My wife came from a rather conservative background who's parents are still married unhappily ever after 30 something years later. I'm not sure if her upbringing had anything to do with it as well. But to answer your question, I think cheating is extremely variable. There are too many different reason a cheater will cheat. I think the following are some things that would probably spark an affair.

 

1) Loss of emotional investments

2) Boring sex

3) No sex

4) Thrill affairs

5) Mundane relationships

6) Boring relationship/marriage

7) Low self esteem

8) Sex addict

9) Constant arguing/nagging which creates resentment

10) Loss of Spouse's interests/growing apart

 

I agree, lack of confidence and loss of emotional investment in currant relationship is a big motivator in cheating. The list you gave is quite freaky. Simply because, eventually there will be tough times and lulls in every marriage- and fluctuation in self-esteem from time to time happens to all of us. It's like, if marriage isn't perfect in everyway, 100% of the time- it's an opening to cheat. It's a bit of a downer.

[drifter777]

I don't believe there is a personality trait associated with cheating.

Mousy, "wouldn't hurt a fly" women cheat, brazen hussies cheat, rigid control freaks cheat, and mild mannered "good" guys cheat.

Blatently "flirty" men and women by the same token may not dream of cheating.

 

There are varying reasons why people cheat too, some may never think of cheating at one stage of their life but at another they are ripe for cheating, given the opportunity. Some cheat in their twenties and some cheat in their sixties... Some are always scouting around looking for people to cheat with and for others it just happens, quite unexpectedly.

Some cheaters are in grossly unhappy marriages and others are in fantastic, "dream" marriages.

 

I tend to agree with Furious in that we are all different people inside to that which we project to others, and by others I also mean our partners and spouses.

 

Given the right time, the right partner, the opportunity, the will and how we truly feel inside, we can all be vulnerable to cheating on our partner.

No-one can second guess anyone else's real stance as to whether they will cheat or not in the right circumstances.

So your point is that everyone is "capable" of cheating? If the stars align just right, you too might cheat? As a WW, will you ever accept that you did a selfish, hurtful thing to your husband? No excuses, no "it could happen to anyone" crap?

 

Lots of people don't cheat. No matter how drunk or mad or horny or disillusioned with marriage they don't betray their spouse by having sex with someone else. Maybe lots of people do but not all of us.

 

And the 2 "Likes" on this post are both WW's as well. You guys are a cliché.

[Selfish]

So your point is that everyone is "capable" of cheating? If the stars align just right, you too might cheat? As a WW, will you ever accept that you did a selfish, hurtful thing to your husband? No excuses, no "it could happen to anyone" crap?

 

Lots of people don't cheat. No matter how drunk or mad or horny or disillusioned with marriage they don't betray their spouse by having sex with someone else. Maybe lots of people do but not all of us.

 

And the 2 "Likes" on this post are both WW's as well. You guys are a cliché.

 

I agree with her that there is no one profile that fits one person. I know a particularly nasty and selfish person who is quite proud of the fact they have never cheated and seems to think that alone makes them an amazing partner and why do they keep having failed relationships? This person fits a lot of the stereotype of a cheater without the cheating (that anyone knows of anyways) but hasn't. And I know someone who fessed up to a ONS after hearing of my infidelity. (their spouse knew). I was shocked because they were the sweetest and kindest person I knew! And yes, they felt dually awful for it but were, as far as they both claimed, "happily reconciled".

 

I don't believe everyone could cheat or would choose to do so if "the stars align'. But I do think everyone should stay well away from fire and have good boundaries because too many "fallen" have thought they were so far above an affair that they thought they'd never cheat and so crossed boundaries you just shouldn't cross.

[jm2013]

I agree, lack of confidence and loss of emotional investment in currant relationship is a big motivator in cheating. The list you gave is quite freaky. Simply because, eventually there will be tough times and lulls in every marriage- and fluctuation in self-esteem from time to time happens to all of us. It's like, if marriage isn't perfect in everyway, 100% of the time- it's an opening to cheat. It's a bit of a downer.

 

You're right. A perfect marriage doesn't exist or rarely exists. With that being said, there are people who will muddle through the low points to get back on top. Have you ever been to a wedding and seen the couples coming up to dance by how many years they were married? If you were to take a couple who's been married for 50+ years it would probably look like a historical stock market chart. I'm sure you'd see lots of ups and downs but they always came back up. Because there are lows points in any relationship doesn't mean it is definitive that one person will cheat. While my wife was having her affair I was still keeping my fidelity to her even know she was treating me like a piece of garbage. If anything I should have built up enough resentment from the bs she put me through to make another women look that much more appealing. I did not. I just thought we hit a low point. At the end right before I found out I tried everything I possibly could to win her back. All that time I didn't know I was competing with some other guy. I'm sure she felt flattered at the time.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is this. There were times I could have been with somebody else even know she was treating me like garbage during her affair. I didn't think twice about having an affair. It was something that wasn't on my radar. Now there has to be people with that same mindset. I think affairs are for the weak minded. I would love to do a comparison of how many cheaters have addictive personalities or are unstable in some way.

[elaine567]

There were times I could have been with somebody else even know she was treating me like garbage during her affair. I didn't think twice about having an affair

 

You just may not have the gene for cheating. PLOS ONE: Associations between Dopamine D4 Receptor Gene Variation with Both Infidelity and Sexual Promiscuity

 

"Human sexual behavior is highly variable both within and between populations. While sex-related characteristics and sexual behavior are central to evolutionary theory (sexual selection), little is known about the genetic bases of individual variation in sexual behavior. The variable number tandem repeats (VNTR) polymorphism in exon III of the human dopamine D4 receptor gene (DRD4) has been correlated with an array of behavioral phenotypes and may be predicatively responsible for variation in motivating some sexual behaviors, particularly promiscuity and infidelity."

[MadJackBird]

I agree with the low self esteem. I've skimmed most of the responses, but I would add addictions to the list.

 

My fWW also had many many addiction problems, Alcohol, Narcotic Pain Pills and inappropriate relationships. When she would get one addiction under control she would replace it with another. She was a serial cheater with no impulse control. She also suffered and has family history of other mental health disorders.

[NYWoman]

For me only #9 & 10 applied. My first H was everything I ever wanted in a man, the sex was totally awesome, as was the relationship.

My problem was I stupidly listened to my co-workers, who constantly made it appear that my husband was using me, was clingy, and unworthy of my love. Which led to our constantly arguing, I listened to them instead of him. They also had me convinced, he would forgive and take me back.

 

 

Big, Big mistake

[jm2013]

For me only #9 & 10 applied. My first H was everything I ever wanted in a man, the sex was totally awesome, as was the relationship.

My problem was I stupidly listened to my co-workers, who constantly made it appear that my husband was using me, was clingy, and unworthy of my love. Which led to our constantly arguing, I listened to them instead of him. They also had me convinced, he would forgive and take me back.

 

 

Big, Big mistake

 

I assume these were the co-workers you had an affair with?