cheaters sex is like the crack cocaine of love making.

[Mal78]

I was reading an article of why cheaters cheat. This quote summed it up:

 

Thoughts?

 

 

"Cheaters sex is like the crack cocaine of making love. It feels fantastic while you’re doing it, but once the rush wears off you are lower than you’ve ever been and require more and more of it to keep the high going. It’s an unsustainable thing that will consume you if you let it".

[jm2013]

Sex is sex. I don't really see how the sex would be "better" unless your spouse wasn't performing well so to speak. I think it's more about the rush you get from hiding it and keeping it hush. The BIG secret. Kind of like how people get that rush from stealing something.

[BetrayedH]

I've often thought that the addiction/drug analogy was an apt one.

 

That said, I think for (most) wayward women, it's less about the sex and more about the attention and affirmation. I tend to think that (many) women give sex to get "love."

[violet1]

I was reading an article of why cheaters cheat. This quote summed it up:

 

Thoughts?

 

 

"Cheaters sex is like the crack cocaine of making love. It feels fantastic while you’re doing it, but once the rush wears off you are lower than you’ve ever been and require more and more of it to keep the high going. It’s an unsustainable thing that will consume you if you let it".

I think the affair in itself was very addicting. If my affair was only about sex, it wouldn't had lasted a year. For me, it takes much more than sex to keep me interested. I felt a lot of withdrawals after my D Day. I missed the attention and the newness feeling. Since an affair is not a normal relationship and you don't see the AP all of the time, you're in a complete state of permanent limerance. That in itself is what's so damn addicting IMO.

[fellini]

Like anything else, this quote needs to be understood in terms of the author. IF the author has both experimented with CRACK cocaine, AND committed infidelity and had sex with their AP, then perhaps they would have some leverage.

 

That said, I do believe, like BetrayedH that the relationship between affairs and drugs are apt ones, but Im more convinced with the presentations of Helen Fischer who has conducted some pretty interesting studies about "the brain on drugs"

 

And so I will say I disagree with jm2013's assertion that "sex is sex", because I have - in a previous epoch - experimented with Cocaine and I can assure you that SEX is NOT just SEX if it's sex on cocaine. If you have watched the Wolf of Wall street, you get the idea, but you do not get the experience. A cocaine high is unique. I won't say I miss it, but I won't say I didn't notice the difference either.

 

 

 

I was reading an article of why cheaters cheat. This quote summed it up:

 

Thoughts?

 

 

"Cheaters sex is like the crack cocaine of making love. It feels fantastic while you’re doing it, but once the rush wears off you are lower than you’ve ever been and require more and more of it to keep the high going. It’s an unsustainable thing that will consume you if you let it".

[JustJoe]

I really don't think you can lump all of the feelings of all of the affairs into one neat and tidy basket. In some affairs the sex is spectacular, in others it is more mundane and the "rush" is the cheating situation as a whole. Every affair has different dynamics.

[goodyblue]

You know, the sex aspect of my relationship was spectacular when we were in the A. However, it still is years into our open relationship. Is it that we carried it over or just found a great sexual partner? I don't know, I don't think anyone does. I do know that the feelings during the affair are extremely intense and that part has mellowed, not less, but on a more even keel, warm and marshmallowy with a giant heaping of ripping clothes off. Lol.

 

Again tho... I don't know if it was the affair that set a precede t or if we are just super compatible.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I've often thought that the addiction/drug analogy was an apt one.

 

That said, I think for (most) wayward women, it's less about the sex and more about the attention and affirmation. I tend to think that (many) women give sex to get "love."

 

This was exactly what my WW was doing. She wasn't really into the sex part, but knew it had to go there to keep the attention coming.

 

She was giving sex to get the attention.

 

The hard part was getting her to understand that he was only giving the attention to get the sex.

 

After it ended, he told her she was pathetic.

 

As much as it hurt to see someone talk to my wife like that...it also felt kinda good.

[MadJackBird]

Yes I believe there is some additions to inappropriate relationships. My former spouse had many addiction problems. She would get help for one addiction and replace it with others. Multiple times she fell back into inappropriate relationships outside of the marriage.

 

The feelings and chemicals released during sex and even being pursued are similar to the chemicals released with other drugs/ etcl.

[NateGrey]

I disagree, don't give cheaters more excuses for their cheating, they are merely selfish..they aren't addicted. Or, can you be addicted to being selfish?

 

But yeah like I said, this is a dangerous line of thought, mostly because now you give cheaters another potential excuse. Especially if these cheaters have already had other addictions in life, they will latch onto this "I was just addicted, that is why I betrayed you" excuse and never let go.

[Furious]

I was reading an article of why cheaters cheat. This quote summed it up:

 

Thoughts?

 

 

"Cheaters sex is like the crack cocaine of making love. It feels fantastic while you’re doing it, but once the rush wears off you are lower than you’ve ever been and require more and more of it to keep the high going. It’s an unsustainable thing that will consume you if you let it".

 

Affairs are part time relationship and both partners in the affair are given the luxury of tuning out the reality of a 24/7 existence that is conventional and "ordinary". An affair offers up an opportunity to experiment with ones identity. The thrill is to role play, or to rebel from being ordinary. It's a volley of validation to an ego that craves attention and praise.

 

Balding middle-aged Bob with three kids, is transformed into Fabio, who now writes sonnets and buys flowers and is a man transformed with no cost of a divorce, loss of half of his worth or 50/50 custody, he can carve the turkey at Christmas and retain his image with family and friends. Same for Jane or has transformed into the vixen Ursula, the mother of a few children, who yearns for her golden years, who feels alive when she meets with her affair partner and it's her time, she deserves it in her mind. Yes, she loves her kids but she's given up her identity as a hot blooded women for them. Anyway as long as no one finds out it won't hurt them.

 

But..on d-day...it's a different story...reality and fantasy clash. Bob-(Fabio), and Jane-(Ursula), are terrified to really divorce, and are terrified of having to play their affair persona's if they did up up with affair partner.

[badkarma2013]

Affairs are part time relationship and both partners in the affair are given the luxury of tuning out the reality of a 24/7 existence that is conventional and "ordinary". An affair offers up an opportunity to experiment with ones identity. The thrill is to role play, or to rebel from being ordinary. It's a volley of validation to an ego that craves attention and praise.

 

Balding middle-aged Bob with three kids, is transformed into Fabio, who now writes sonnets and buys flowers and is a man transformed with no cost of a divorce, loss of half of his worth or 50/50 custody, he can carve the turkey at Christmas and retain his image with family and friends. Same for Jane or has transformed into the vixen Ursula, the mother of a few children, who yearns for her golden years, who feels alive when she meets with her affair partner and it's her time, she deserves it in her mind. Yes, she loves her kids but she's given up her identity as a hot blooded women for them. Anyway as long as no one finds out it won't hurt them.

 

But..on d-day...it's a different story...reality and fantasy clash. Bob-(Fabio), and Jane-(Ursula), are terrified to really divorce, and are terrified of having to play their affair persona's if they did up up with affair partner.

 

 

 

*****************************************************************

 

I agree... ...A vast majority of WWs (including my EX) ...will do sex acts with the OM ..that she would NEVER DO WITH HER HUSBAND.....EVER

 

Most DO NOT want a Divorce...but will lose their freaking minds with the OM sexually!

[Furious]

*****************************************************************

 

I agree... ...A vast majority of WWs (including my EX) ...will do sex acts with the OM ..that she would NEVER DO WITH HER HUSBAND.....EVER

 

Most DO NOT want a Divorce...but will lose their freaking minds with the OM sexually!

 

 

I really believe affair partners will do things they'd not do in a marriage, is because in an affair the currency is set at a different rate.

 

Let's say Bob-(Fabio) complained his wife didn't do xyz, then it's a currency that is implied for Jane-(Ursula)to give and she will feel compelled do xyz to prove she can and will give Bob-(Fabio) what he needs.

 

By both affair partners trading in affair currency, it's to supersede and subconsciously compete against their affair partner's spouse.

 

It's really, a game, those in affairs will do and say things to keep the feel good dopamine flowing.

 

I wouldn't take it personally. The things that they do are about the affair "persona" and they will be and act from the cues they get from each other. They are only being what they think they are expected to be for each other.

 

It's really a game of illusion and far fetched from reality. In a way that's what makes an affair desirable and what eventually destroys an affair if given the light of day.

Edited December 12, 2014 by Furious

[dichotomy]

For either men or women - there is the strange new attraction. In many cases the sex was also better when you first met your spouse right? Same rush of brain chemicals that scientifically has been proven can't last. Why many singles chase new partners - there is a brain chemical high with new strange.

 

For wives (and I guess maybe some men in how they use their mistress) there is a chance to break out of the roles of wife and mom, freedom to explore different things - different sexual acts and ways of behaving. Example You can ask to be spanked and dominated - and not have to argue with them in the morning on who is going to Timmy's soccer practice. Talked extensively here as the Madonna whore complex.

 

I have always thought we as a society do not do enough to promote and celebrate sex in marriage. So people expect best sex to be as single in the city gals, or divorced gals, or affairs. those are all shown as steamy sex phases in life...and so we act it.

[RightThere]

It's really a game of illusion and far fetched from reality. In a way that's what makes an affair desirable and what eventually destroys an affair if given the light of day.

 

So true.

 

My WW moved out with her OM for a number of months. Before she moved out, this guy walked on water and knew every right word to say and every gift to give.

 

Within less than a month of them living full time together, she realized he was an abusive, manipulative, juvenile man who said everything people wanted to hear.

 

Once reality gets injected into Affairyland, it is amazing to watch how quickly everything falls apart.

[Mal78]

I really believe affair partners will do things they'd not do in a marriage, is because in an affair the currency is set at a different rate.

 

Let's say Bob-(Fabio) complained his wife didn't do xyz, then it's a currency that is implied for Jane-(Ursula)to give and she will feel compelled do xyz to prove she can and will give Bob-(Fabio) what he needs.

 

By both affair partners trading in affair currency, it's to supersede and subconsciously compete against their affair partner's spouse.

 

It's really, a game, those in affairs will do and say things to keep the feel good dopamine flowing.

 

I wouldn't take it personally. The things that they do are about the affair "persona" and they will be and act from the cues they get from each other. They are only being what they think they are expected to be for each other.

 

It's really a game of illusion and far fetched from reality. In a way that's what makes an affair desirable and what eventually destroys an affair if given the light of day.

 

By that ideal would it be very similar to how an *open* or polyamory relationship works minus the illusion or would it still be an illusion?

 

I would imagine it hard for most BS'S not to take it personally. What can't I do for you that she can? I honestly believe on either side weather the WS admits it or not it's about being desired inside and outside of the bedroom.

 

I would have a really hard time believing a WS saying the affair is great but the sex was awful. The sex would be the goal or the ultimate step in the affair. The high and/or anticipation regardless of how bland it was would be euphoric enough to make it beyond your wildest dreams. I don't imagine the BS could ever compete with that. It's a high only obtained one way.

[xxoo]

Sex is 90+% mental, in affairs and out. It is silly, imo, to hold affair sex as the best sex because that would mean that we all need to get married and have affairs to experience this amazing sex. Of course not.

 

People have exciting sex at the beginning of relationships, in affairs, in hysterical bonding, and in solid faithful marriages. But the people who continue to have exciting, seductive sex in solid, faithful marriages are working hard to stay connected and laying their souls bare to each other, sharing and meeting fantasies, asking to be spanked and dominated even though they will still have to argue about picking up Timmy from practice tomorrow. It takes a lot more courage than finding a new partner or creating a bunch of drama for a new high. On the plus side, there is no coordinating low.

[badkarma2013]

By that ideal would it be very similar to how an *open* or polyamory relationship works minus the illusion or would it still be an illusion?

 

I would imagine it hard for most BS'S not to take it personally. What can't I do for you that she can? I honestly believe on either side weather the WS admits it or not it's about being desired inside and outside of the bedroom.

 

I would have a really hard time believing a WS saying the affair is great but the sex was awful. The sex would be the goal or the ultimate step in the affair. The high and/or anticipation regardless of how bland it was would be euphoric enough to make it beyond your wildest dreams. I don't imagine the BS could ever compete with that. It's a high only obtained one way.

 

I Concur .....I think thats what really Destroys a BH...KNOWING that you can NEVER compete with that FEELING that the WW has while having sex with the OM ...NEVER and no matter what a WW does to help you heal as a BH...she can NEVER UNFU@K the OM ....NEVER

Edited December 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[road]

Affairs are hard to break when the AP's are both enjoying the highs from the relationship. Thus affairs are addictive because of the whole affair relationship.

 

 

Sex is sex. Yes and no.

 

 

Though the extra rush from getting away with being bad adds to the high when having sex with an AP.

 

 

People are individuals. That means some will be better at things then others are in something. So some times the affair sex is better, the same, or worse then with the spouse.

[fellini]

I think it's a distortion in part to single out the sexual within infidelity, certainly in the majority cases, it just cannot work that way.

 

Sex is surely the culminating act in a series of dozens, hundreds or thousands of decisions all of which were betrayal to oneself, one's spouse, children, family, colleagues, friends, or all at the same time.

 

We are all aware that affair high / affair addiction begins in these small encounters and decisions. Coffees, deliberately lunching at same time place, sitting next to each other in meetings, carpooling, texting, sexting, emails, looks across the room, the list is almost endless. It is here, in most "traditional" (co-worker, best friend's friend, etc) affairs begin to grow.

 

So it can't really be "all about the great affair sex" can it? Whether or not the endgame is great, good, poor, or massively disappointing, the WS has no idea until they get to the bed (or the back of the van, or the woods, or the storage room, it's all the same)

 

As Shirley Glass has said somewhere, "It's a long road to that FIRST KISS", a much shorter to the sex." And I think this is important for those stuck on the sex issue: Your WS was insanely unfaithful long before they got there.

 

Of course the EFFECT of knowing your partner has been sharing their body with another person is sufficient trauma in itself. But I do not see how, as in my personal case where the EA was 18 months, and in the PA her AP wasn't able to have an erection, how I am going to say "It was all for the great affair sex."

 

The EA can be hours, days, months, years: and it functions like foreplay at BEST

[spanz1]

yes, cheater sex is hot!

 

but the thing i am more curious in: is there any way to make the MARRIED sex equally hot.

 

So the "secret sex" of cheating on a partner apparently makes the orgasms stronger. Would the two married partners having sex in a public place give a similar thrill, such as in a public park or the dressing room at a store, etc? I hear in the UK this is a big new thing, its called dogging.

 

The talking about the betrayed parter as they screw in bed sounds like another hot topic. So what about role playing, where you pick up your wife in a bar and pretend you do not know each other? Hire a motel room for your own pretend cheating sex? Or if your partner finds a friend/acquaintance sexy and desirable, you pretend to be that person during sex?

 

Or maybe the wife acting slutty is what turns her on during the cheating sex. so maybe her dressing slutty with provacative lingerie or the right sex toys can bring on that same slutty persona without damage or actually being that way? Or the man acting in similar slutty ways.

 

My point is, whether they are cheating for sex, or cheating for the psychological thrill of the affair, or just to get emotional attention....it seems like almost the same thrills could be simulated at home without actually cheating.

 

the couple would have to be open enough in their communications, and not shut down the other when they talk about kinky stuff though. the conversation might be a shocker, like after 20 years of marriage and relatively vanilla sex life, wife is reading 50 shades of gray, and says "honey...i was wondering if...."

 

I wonder why i have not seen any articles on the internet/magazines that take on this topic--how to quell cheating urges with actual role play. I can not see why it would not work in many cases. you could do all the things cheaters do--use shapchat for selfies and dirty convo, etc. use whatsapp to hide the sexting....

Edited December 13, 2014 by spanz1

[badkarma2013]

I think it's a distortion in part to single out the sexual within infidelity, certainly in the majority cases, it just cannot work that way.

 

Sex is surely the culminating act in a series of dozens, hundreds or thousands of decisions all of which were betrayal to oneself, one's spouse, children, family, colleagues, friends, or all at the same time.

 

We are all aware that affair high / affair addiction begins in these small encounters and decisions. Coffees, deliberately lunching at same time place, sitting next to each other in meetings, carpooling, texting, sexting, emails, looks across the room, the list is almost endless. It is here, in most "traditional" (co-worker, best friend's friend, etc) affairs begin to grow.

 

So it can't really be "all about the great affair sex" can it? Whether or not the endgame is great, good, poor, or massively disappointing, the WS has no idea until they get to the bed (or the back of the van, or the woods, or the storage room, it's all the same)

 

As Shirley Glass has said somewhere, "It's a long road to that FIRST KISS", a much shorter to the sex." And I think this is important for those stuck on the sex issue: Your WS was insanely unfaithful long before they got there.

 

Of course the EFFECT of knowing your partner has been sharing their body with another person is sufficient trauma in itself. But I do not see how, as in my personal case where the EA was 18 months, and in the PA her AP wasn't able to have an erection, how I am going to say "It was all for the great affair sex."

 

The EA can be hours, days, months, years: and it functions like foreplay at BEST

*****************************************************************

As you have said many times Fellini...."every case is different"... and i agree..But if you read enough here you Will find a common thread in most Affairs...

[badkarma2013]

As Shirley Glass has said somewhere, "It's a long road to that FIRST KISS", a much shorter to the sex." And I think this is important for those stuck on the sex issue: Your WS was insanely unfaithful long before they got there. Posted by fellini

 

 

*******************************************************************

As well said as any post i have ever read on this forum....

[xxoo]

My point is, whether they are cheating for sex, or cheating for the psychological thrill of the affair, or just to get emotional attention....it seems like almost the same thrills could be simulated at home without actually cheating.

 

the couple would have to be open enough in their communications, and not shut down the other when they talk about kinky stuff though. the conversation might be a shocker, like after 20 years of marriage and relatively vanilla sex life, wife is reading 50 shades of gray, and says "honey...i was wondering if...."

 

I wonder why i have not seen any articles on the internet/magazines that take on this topic--how to quell cheating urges with actual role play. I can not see why it would not work in many cases. you could do all the things cheaters do--use shapchat for selfies and dirty convo, etc. use whatsapp to hide the sexting....

 

Yes, absolutely married couples can have this high in their sex life.

 

It is all about intimacy, and accepting fantasy for fantasy and playing with those ideas. As a PG example, I once came home from the playground with our young kid and told my H about some dad I noticed there, and how I must be ovulating because I couldn't think straight around him. Later that night, while getting busy, he whispered in my ear, "what time does your husband get home?" We had a wild ride! But this situation clearly demonstrates a lot of security on his part, as well as mine for sharing in the first place. He knows that I'm his, 100% faithful, and he just wants me aroused out of my mind. He doesn't care what fantasy gets me there

[SweetClover]

Sex is sex. I don't really see how the sex would be "better" unless your spouse wasn't performing well so to speak. I think it's more about the rush you get from hiding it and keeping it hush. The BIG secret. Kind of like how people get that rush from stealing something.

 

When people say "sex is sex"

I always get the picture they must never have had really GREAT sex