sex as "insurance"

Hey Ya'll

It seems that my H seems especially interested in sex just prior to traveling. NOt that it's nonexistent other times, but I really see a special interest just prior to leaving town. Do you all think this is sort of "insurance" on his part so that he won't be as tempted to physically cheat? It's something that's been on my mind for some time, just in the back of my mind. Also, I'm always looking for patterns...

I don't know if its so much about "insurance" to not cheat, but could be.

I would say more along the lines of he wants sex more then because he might be out of town for a certain amount of time, and want be having sex for awhile till he gets back?

I dunnno, but you seem suspicious, so are there other reasons for why you feel this way?

Hey Ya'll

I just started this thread on infidelity, knowing I was going to do the same subject on both forums, but I goofed and posted the one I really planned for this one, on infidelity. They're both the same but sorry for the confusion...

My question is this: My H seems much more interested in sex just before traveling on business. Do you all think this is sort of like "insurance" on his part so that he's not as tempted to physically cheat while he's away? Not that sex is nonexistant other times, but it really seems to be something he's interested in more at these times.

He just came in here and laughed and said that I was being paranoid b/c we do it every Sat. morn....Could be.

I don't know if its so much about "insurance" to not cheat, but could be.

 

I would say more along the lines of he wants sex more then because he might be out of town for a certain amount of time, and want be having sex for awhile till he gets back?

 

I dunnno, but you seem suspicious, so are there other reasons for why you feel this way?

oh yeah...just read some of my other threads/posts.

Is your H a cheater? Has he in the past? If not, I would say he just wants to have sex because since he is going away, he knows he isn't going to get any for awhile. You know men & their sex drives.

Sure sex can be seen as insurance. It is the way we show our bond to each other. There is a social reason that the Bible commands its followers only to refrain from sex with husband/wife during fasting and prayer. At other times it is reassurance that things are well.

I don't know what his motivation is but I go on business trips quite often and if I won't see my wife for a long time I want to get in as much loving as possible before I leave. It is not to keep me from cheating but to have something positive to remember until I see her again.

Is your H a cheater? Has he in the past? If not, I would say he just wants to have sex because since he is going away, he knows he isn't going to get any for awhile. You know men & their sex drives.

Yep, he was a serial cheater...you can read my stories all thru these threads. That is why I'm paranoid about it. Thanks for the reassurance...

Yep, he was a serial cheater...you can read my stories all thru these threads. That is why I'm paranoid about it. Thanks for the reassurance...

If he truly is a serial cheater, I can understand why you would be paranoid. And, at the risk of making you more so, serial cheaters rarely stop their cheating. They just find new OW to do it with.

Is all of this worth it to you? Forgiving him time and time again? I'm curious why some Ws choose to stay, and spend their lives torturing themselves this way.

I'm new. And answered before looking through some of your posts. My apologies.

 

If he truly is a serial cheater, I can understand why you would be paranoid. And, at the risk of making you more so, serial cheaters rarely stop their cheating. They just find new OW to do it with.

 

Is all of this worth it to you? Forgiving him time and time again? I'm curious why some Ws choose to stay, and spend their lives torturing themselves this way.

I haven't forgiven him time and again since D day 2 and 1/2 years ago. He's been in treatment both in and out for his compulsion. So...he has earned back some of the trust that was lost. Why did I take him back? this question has been posed to me quite often..Because, I love him dearly, because I know what it's like to have a compulsion/addiction, because I can't imagine being w/ anyone else, and b/c I don't want to break up my family. We separated twice after D day two years ago, and I did file for d. Only when he met my requirements including boundries and reassurance for a good long while, did I agree for him to come back and filed an order of reconciliation with the court. That was 2 years ago, or so, things are going well..Do I trust him completely, NO...and I probrably never will again, but we are working to build a new M based on different things...It's not possible to do this, in my opinion, unless both spouses want it and are willing to go the whole 9 yards. He spent much time answering quesitions and providing concrete proof while I continued to work on myself so that if it happens again, I'll feel like I have more choices..As you can see from this thread, some days are worst then others, but they are fewer and farther between now, and he is mostly willing to provide the reassurance that I need regarding any supsicions that arise. Do I always BELIEVE his reassurance! NO, but when I don't, I make sure I find a way to alay my fears.

Regarding my original post/thread. I should also add that he seems to get his hair cut before he goes to this particular local..Last night, he even through in an eyebrow trim!

I don't know what his motivation is but I go on business trips quite often and if I won't see my wife for a long time I want to get in as much loving as possible before I leave. It is not to keep me from cheating but to have something positive to remember until I see her again.

Thanks for the input! Anyone else? I should also add that he always gets a fresh haircut just before leaving for this one local,and this last time, even thru in an eyebrow trim for good measure. Also, he seems to really vamp up the visits to the gym before leaving for this particular local. My imagination or paranoia? Perhaps, but I guess I have good reason to doubt his motivation for doing these things. See some of my other posts for further background...

If he has cheated on you before, do the things he is doing now, ring a bell for you? Is this how he was acting before? Hard to say for sure what it is he may or may not be doing. When someone has been betrayed the mind can reek havoc on playing tricks and making you become overly paranoid, but if you feel he is up to something or things aren't right, then there is probably a reason for that.

 

My question is this: My H seems much more interested in sex just before traveling on business. Do you all think this is sort of like "insurance" on his part so that he's not as tempted to physically cheat while he's away? Not that sex is nonexistant other times, but it really seems to be something he's interested in more at these times.

 

He just came in here and laughed and said that I was being paranoid b/c we do it every Sat. morn....Could be.

To answer your question.... Men who cheat - can have sex with their wifes EVERY DAY - and still cheat. I think you're right in one aspect - he may be trying to 'convince' you that he's not going to cheat becuase he had sex with you before he left. He's trying to give you an insurance policy that doesn't exit. Sorry....

Unfortunately, I agree with YoMomma.

I don't think many people understand the depths of deceit that some of these men go to.

Sleeping with his wife before going on a business trip may actually be done to throw her off the trail, so to speak. In essense, give her a sense of security. Not always, mind you, but with some men, it is a real possibility.

Tread very, very carefully.

I do not want you to get hurt again.

OOD, i can't blame you one bit for overthinking anything and everything.

Ok, he may just want to impress the people at this particular destination. May not be a girl at all. It may be the male bosses (no, i'm not saying he's gay) and he wants to look his very best for an ego boost. To possibly think he's above them and he looks damn good. Kind of like how girls mostly dress up for other girls.

Sex for insurance. Hmmmm. I don't know how your H is, but this is my MM. He will not have sex with his W and myself on the same day, or within 24 hours of each other. I know he rarely has sex with her as it is, and it does bother me to no end, but it does make me feel better knowing this in a sick twisted way. I'm not saying this is true of your H, but try a little experiment when he gets home.

When he arrives back from his trip, initiate sex. See how he reacts. It can't hurt, right?

Now i'm asking that everyone not jump in and say i told you so or tell me how messed up i am. I know my situation..........this is a post for OOD. I'm being honest and i respect OOD enough to reply and tell her like it is because she has always been respectful to me. Sad i had to add this disclaimer.

OOD, i wish you luck and i hope that your H is now being a 100% faithful to you. You don't deserve to go through this hell. You are an amazing and caring woman.

and I always want sex more before I leave. Not for insurance, but because I know I'm going to miss him badly. He's more the after I get back wanting it badly. But I tend to live more in the future than he does.

So, imho he's probably just knowing how much he's gonna miss you when he's gone.

OOD, TY for answering, it was something I always wondered. For your sake, I hope he has changed his ways, and things work out for the two of you. Just be careful, for your own sake.

Thanks all for the replies and keep them coming. stillhere: I will try your little experiment...and thanks for telling it like it is..that is what I want, and I am far enough away from D day; 3 years soon, that I feel comfortable with all posts. I am not in that raw ball of emotion, can't function stage anymore. That's not to say I am immune to going there again, but I would hope that I have worked on myself enough NOT to fall apart again...I sure have spent enough on IC to have improved...Yomomma: Thank for the tips...didn't really think some men had it in them to have sex THAT much! Of course, I am still a bit naive and still learning...Thanks again..

If he has cheated on you before, do the things he is doing now, ring a bell for you? Is this how he was acting before? Hard to say for sure what it is he may or may not be doing. When someone has been betrayed the mind can reek havoc on playing tricks and making you become overly paranoid, but if you feel he is up to something or things aren't right, then there is probably a reason for that.

don't really know his sexual habits pre d day...only from years back. He stopped w/ me saying it was due to his medication..I believed him...

]Yomomma: Thank for the tips...didn't really think some men had it in them to have sex THAT much! Of course' date=' I am still a bit naive and still learning...Thanks again..[/u'][/[/b]quote]

 

OOD - Believe me they do! When I was involved with the exMM - he could go three times in one evening -- yet, when he was with his wife he had to take those 'blue' pills. I am not saying I had anything to do with him not taking them when he was with me... I am sure it was the 'thrill' of the secret that got him up&going. If you know what I mean... but he loved sex! :o

Sleeping with his wife before going on a business trip may actually be done to throw her off the trail, so to speak.

Or maybe it means he's just horny and has a high sex drive. Unfortunately, it's no guarantee he won't be indulging while gone, however.

Is he eager the same way when he returns from the business trip?

Is he eager the same way when he returns from the business trip?

If you are the one and only object of his affection, I would imagine that he would be just as eager to be intimate with you when he returns simply because he missed you.

Watch his behavior AFTER the trip. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And I would imagine that he would want to show you how much he missed you.

Just a thought.

Wow you all!!!! I'm getting all sorts of juicy tidbits. I have a busy day but will reply when I have some quiet time tonight after H goes to bed. Good point about the sex after he returns!! Am going to have to think on that one to see if there have been any patterns. Right off the bat, I'd say, no, he's usually not as interested...Back tonight and keep the posts coming!!

When my H was doing his "thing" he still wanted sex from me...we weren't getting along at the time but he actually had the nerve to say to me during a "heated" moment..."even if we end up divorced I would still want to have sex with you because it's just to good to live without" I promptly pushed him away and cut him off. Basically he didn't want to be married to me but he still wanted to f*ck me...what a guy! At this point we were still in the "I don't know if I want to be married any more phase". He was confused...poor baby. I didn't think there was anyone else in his life at this point.

When I started to get that "gut feeling" that there was OW in the picture somewhere and I started to ask questions the guilt killed his ability to "get it up". Even though he swore up and down there was no one else. The man has never turned down "that thing I do" so when he couldn't "rise to the occasion" even for that I KNEW.

I say follow your gut it will never stear you wrong!