Wife "checked out" - is there someone else?

[JustCoz]

Hi all,

Hard to put everything you are feeling into a forum post when you feel you could write novels but I will try to be succinct. Three days before my 8th Wedding anniversary my wife told me that she was "checked out" of the marriage and that she "doesn't feel it." She has described the feelings she has as "no longer having the 'glue' that binds a relationship together."

 

Thankfully I had planned vacation for the week that this broke and it was really needed on my part to cope with what I had heard - I went through anger, depression, confusion, and of course overwhelming sadness - I think I slept a total of 4 hours over the course of the "vacation." At the end of the week she was telling me that she "wanted out" and seemed deperate to be out of the relationship quickly. I kept asking her what her plans were and she didn't seem to have any but at one point she told me that she had discussed with her mother and decided that I would leave the house so our 4-year-old daughter could live without interruption in her life. After no sleep that night I started packing my bags and kind of slept walked through the motions of preparing to leave for I didn't know how long.

 

As I was calling my parents to tell them I would be staying with them I began to feel clear-headed for the first time all week and realized that I was not required to leave my own house because my wife decided our relationship was through. I sat my wife down (she had been "helping" me pack my bags) and told her that I would not be leaving. I told her that I understood her anxiousness but that this was not fair to me and that I could think of three options we take and invited her to propose her own:

 

1. She could stay in the spare bedroom if she needed some space.

2. If she wanted to stay and work on the relationship I would volunteer to go to my parents for a few weeks if we would go to counseling together.

3. If she truly felt it was over and there was no chance to make things work then she could leave, not me.

 

She became very upset. A flurry of phone calls from and to relatives ensued for the next few hours and at one point I heard her screaming from the bedroom (making my daughter flinch from across the house while I tried to distract her), "You don't understand, Mom. I need to get the **** out of here!" I reminded her that these were proposals, not ultimatums and that I was happy to discuss any other ideas she had but she looked like a rat trapped in a cage, ready to chew her own hand off to get away. I knew the feelings were intense and nothing would subside so I made a fourth suggestion: stay at a local hotel for the night and I would watch our daughter while she calmed down and got her head together.

 

She took me up on this last proposal and flew out the door (laptop in hand). She later called me from the hotel after her mom asked her to let me know that she was ok. She sounded calmer. She set a wake up call for early the next morning so she could come back home before I had to leave for my first day back to work from "vacation." over the past four weeks since this incident she has stayed at home but moved into the spare bedroom, where she typically hides with the door closed in her "cage" as she has called it.

 

I knew our marriage was going through rough times but I really didn't see this coming. When we were dating and making plans to get married she once told me, "You'll have to leave me because I will never leave you." Not that thoughts and feelings don't change over time but she has always been the trustworthy, loving, caring person that you want to be with your whole life and I always felt she was the perfect companion since we (still) share many many common interests and viewpoints.

 

She has agreed (reluctantly) to go to a counselor (which I later discovered is a psychotherapist and not a marriage counselor). We've been four times now and in the past couple of sessions she has finally started talking about her feelings and what she didn't like about our marriage. Meanwhile I've poured myself into trying to understand why things fell apart and half way through my fourth book on man-woman relationships (His Needs, Her Needs).

 

I feel like I truly understand a lot better what went wrong. I had let my stressful, thankless job turn me into a person that I don't recognize as myself. Anger, selfishness and inconsiderate (even hurtful) behaviour contributed to her feelings of lost intimacy over the past couple of years. When I realized this I was reborn and have likened my change to that of someone who is pulled from the icy waters while they go down for the third time. I truly appreciate what a wonderful person she is and everything she has done (and tried to do for me while I was the "other me.") When it comes to sex and intimacy there cannot be one without the other. How simple and obvious yet profound!

 

I have continuned to work on myself and know that the problems were not caused by me or her alone but by the misunderstood interaction we had. My introspection and journey have led me to a place where I now see my wife as the beautiful soul I admired when we got married. There were times (about a year and a half ago) when I thought I was ready for her to leave and she ready for me to leave but I now realize this was largely the result of neither of us adequately recognizing or meeting the other's primary needs.

 

So, while I am much more at peace with myself and much happier with the person I am now (my friends, family and coworkers have all commented on my change) I continue to work on letting my wife know that I truly love her and that the love is "unconditional." I feel like I see her as I did when we first started dating. I stopped trying to change the things I didn't like about her and realized the things I love about her far outweigh those nits. I try to be careful to not overwhelm her or make her feel pressured. I almost never bring up the relationship and instead focus on making sure all of our interactions with each other are positive and leave her feeling good about me.

 

The problem is that after four weeks of my changed behavior she seems to be more resolute to leave than ever. Even though she has acknowledged the old ugly me is no longer there (She even said that maybe she'd throw some rocks at the effigy I made in the back yard). She just repeats "she's checked out" she "doesn't feel it" and "she's ready to move on." The thing that sticks in my mind is the phrase, "I want to experience someone else" - This was clarified as not just sexual experience. We get along great as friends and have not argued or held bad will towards each other at all - yet she is determined to leave.

 

I suspect there is someone else that is pulling her away. She and I received a laptop from my parents for Christmas two years ago and she has been addicted to using it since bringing it home. I don't think she was immediately involved with someone else but she has steadily become more and more attached to using the computer to the point where it seems like every moment she is not taking care of our daughter she is online. I know she participated heavily in a design community web site where she made many friends and shared her work. Just over a year ago we began to have some arguments about the site. She was staying up until 1 or 2 in the morning participating in forum and IM chats with members and spending less and less time with me and I resented that.

 

After an argument she would say, "I won't go on the site tonight" and I always told her that I didn't mind her being on the site, just that I didn't want it to consume ALL of her time, yet she kept going back to it. At one point I asked her if there was someone else, who she was chatting with, was it Leon? (he's in Australia and we're on the east coast) and I do remember her saying, "no, he doesn't get me" or "he doesn't understand me" or something along those lines.

 

Several few months ago in June I was outside working in the garden and through the window I saw her in an application I didn't recognize. I knew she was hiding things from me and I decided to confront her then. I walked in, she quickly hid the app and I asked, "what are you doing?" She claimed she was doing something else but when I told her that I saw she was in a different application she finally admitted she was on "Second Life" a 3-D virtual word which is like a chat environment, where you are represented by an avatar you can realistically customize.

 

She told me that she didn't want to tell me because she was afraid I wouldn't understand and would think she was doing something she shouldn't (SL does have a reputation for sex). I tried to be understanding and told her the main reason I was upset was because this is somethign we would have shared together once. She seemed to understand but I quietly checked on what programs she was launching (she was clearing browser history and other suspiscious activity) and she continued to use SL regularly but when I asked her she would only admit it when asked directly.

 

I confronted her again, she told me that she wasn't doing anything that there wasn't anyone else, yet she continued to hide her computer activity. Then one day she seemed into the idea of me joining her in SL. She even set me up with an account that had the same last name as hers. Over the summer we enjoyed lots of time together on SL, building things, exploring, having fun together. I looked forward to going on since it was shared time.

 

Flash forward to the present. We still go on Second Life together and have been getting along great now that the old ugly me is gone. Still, her feelings of intimacy do not return. Still she says she feels "trapped" sometimes and anxious to get out. After what i thought was a good therapy session last night she asked if I felt better (I feel our counselor may be doing more harm than good and I told her that) I asked, "I don't know - how do YOU feel?" and she said that she still didnt' feel it that it was over and she was ready to move on and for me to move on.

 

There are a number of other incidents that may either be telltale signs of an emotional or physical affair or may be the result of my troubled and overactive mind (I've always been too much of a worrier, unfortunately which I am also trying to work on). I desparately need help and CONSTRUCTIVE advice. I've done many searches over the past few weeks on topics that have come up and many have lead me to threads in this community. I've read that if there is someone else she will never be able to see clearly. That she will be in a fog that distorts her reality and makes her feel justified. I've read that she will lie and deny. I have asked her directly a number of times if there was someone else and she's always said "no" but I don't know if my mind is imagining scenarios where the suspiscious things I've noticed fit together as an affair or if I'm truly seeing what I fear.

 

I didn't sleep at all last night because I could not replace these negative possibilities with positive thoughts, which I've done with some success until recently. I am afraid I won't sleep until I know for certain whether there is someone else or not because it sounds from reading threads like unless there is no contact between her and her (emotional or physical) lover, nothing will have an impact on her.

 

How do I find out? The last time I asked her I said, "I'm going to ask again and then I will do my best to never bring this up again ever" I know if I keep asking her it will push her away, create bad feelings of mistrust and hurt our chances to work things out. Yet, when she leaves the house, why would she hide the laptop?

 

Rambled enough for one post. I'm sure there are many many details to fill in if anyone is brave enough to read this and comment. Many thanks and HELP!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

She is having an affair. You have plenty of signs and I understand how you would want to think otherwise, but in my opinion she is having an affair. Doesn't matter if it's emotional or physical. She is taking time away from your marriage to participate in it.

 

Install a keylogger on her computer (it's yours too) so that you can see what's going on for yourself. It will record everything.

 

From my perspective- as someone who has been where your wife is and after reading forums and books etc on the subject, a woman will not usually want to leave her husband until she has planned her exit strategy or there is someone else.

 

Very very rarely have I ever seen a woman separate from her husband and still have the intention of working on the marriage.

 

Install the keylogger and I bet you will find out what you need to know. Perhaps others here have information about where to purchase one.

 

Do not leave your home. She is the one in the wrong and the one who should leave.

 

If you're reading his needs/her needs then I assume you've been to marriagebuilders? If not, you need to google it and get there. Lots of good information there about how waywards act, what they say and how to catch them.

 

Do not expose to her your information until you get enough that she cannot deny it.

[reboot]

You don't have any evidence yet, but believe me, the signs are all there. Don't be stupid like some of us and refuse to check. The sooner you know for sure the better off you'll be.

[JustCoz]

Thanks Pix and reboot,

There are other signs as well that I have not brought to her attention. She must know that I suspect but she obviously does not broach the subject. The question is how do I find out without risking the delicate progress it feels like we've made so far? I am looking into keyloggers (we are Mac users) but it must obviously be discreet and will be difficult since she treats the laptop like it contains nuclear missle codes or something.

 

I am reading HN,HR and have LoveBusters on the nightstand waiting to read next. I have been to marriagebuilders.com and that is, in fact, where I discovered these books. I haven't found an area of the site dedicated to affairs, understanding behavior and catching them - if anyone can point me I would greatly appreciate it. I will not push on the subject as I dearly want to and instead confront her when I have evidence (much like the exposure of Second Life, which she could not deny). Then perhaps the counselor (or another one - I am looking for someone better) can broach the subject and explain that no contact with the OM is needed.

 

I know that there is still love within her. I feel it from time to time as she empathizes, expresses concern for my well-being and acknowledges feelings of self hate for putting me through this (I try to tell her that she cannot beat herself up for feeling what she feels). She knew I didn't sleep last night and called me as soon as I got to work this morning to "make sure I arrived ok" and because she thought the call would help my mental state (it did). There is so much for all to lose here. Thanks for the support and advice.

[MyAbusa]

JustCoz,

I’m sorry to hear about your situation as it sounds like the VERY typical he/she is having an emotional/physical affair thread found all over this forum (also a lot like what I went through many years ago). Do yourself a favor & take some time to read some of the longer threads in this forum, those that span months & start out just like yours with the significant other wanting out. Sadly they almost always turn out the same as it’s almost impossible to convince the WS to change their mind once they’ve “checked out”.

 

The advice provided on those threads is top notch & will definitely give you tools to help you get through this tough time. I wish I could sugar coat it for you & say you could do this or this to make it better but in all honesty, from what you’ve described, the prognosis isn’t good & you need to take care of yourself & do what’s in your best interest over the long haul.

 

On a good note, the fact that you didn’t allow her to move you out of the house was a very good decision (one I didn’t make & to this day still regret a little bit) as I honestly believe that those so eager to terminate a long term relationship or marriage should also be willing to accept the consequences of those decisions.

 

As far as finding out if she’s having an emotional/physical affair, it’s simple, tell her you’d like to focus on the two of you and you’d like to remove the computer from the equation ie loose the laptop or internet access for a while. If something is going on she’ll fight this idea like you were trying to take away the very air she breathes.

 

Anyhow, I expect others with be offering their support & insight soon. Hang in there.

[JustCoz]

Do yourself a favor & take some time to read some of the longer threads in this forum, those that span months & start out just like yours with the significant other wanting out. Sadly they almost always turn out the same as it’s almost impossible to convince the WS to change their mind once they’ve “checked out”.

 

Thanks MyAbusa, I have read several and right now am focusing on the possible good outcomes (although I am not delusional). I take comfort in the stories like sysyphus' http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=57749&page=1 and OWLs http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

Things can work out sometimes. I must believe this for if my hope is gone, the relationship is obviously gone.

[sadandhurt]

Its sad, I didnt read your complete story but it sounds alot like mine "my wife has checked out of the marriage".

 

Do yourself a favor, file for divorce today! dont stay in the house with her 1 min longer. It sucks because you dont want to hurt the child but you need to end this before it gets ugly. My wife wanted me to leave and i wouldnt so she had me thrown out. I still have to go to court tomorrow to fight the RO. She even wants me to pay lawyer fees and if i dont she will not agreee to the mediations recomendation about custody. I dont have any money and have spent 30K (all on CC) to fight this BS.

 

Strike now. All she has to do is say you hit her, threatened her (basicly anything) and your whole life will be taken away. I have not been able to set foot into my house in almost a month.

 

If their showing signs of cheating then they prob are. Dont trust them. They turn more vicious than a pit-bull and will use your kids to survive. Weak people sheilding themselves behind small children. Pathetic.

 

This is just my bitter opinion on the matter. And i can tell you that there really are sooo many good woman out there. Dont let one disrepect you.

 

Be and stay strong.

[MyAbusa]

Thanks MyAbusa, I have read several and right now am focusing on the possible good outcomes (although I am not delusional). I take comfort in the stories like sysyphus' http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=57749&page=1 and OWLs http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

Things can work out sometimes. I must believe this for if my hope is gone, the relationship is obviously gone.

 

 

Absolutely, those are great threads. Read & get everything out of them you can but just know that they represent a very small minority of these types of situations & you need to look out for yourself.

 

As sadandhurt mentioned, you can get thrown to the wolves with very little control over the situation if you don’t start (as a precaution) preparing now. I know that’s hard because I’m sure, like many before you, you’re at a very vulnerable stage where you’ll do anything to get her back.

 

We tend to all of a sudden “see the light” & see truths in all the accusations being thrown at us about why the relationship isn’t working… too many hours at work, not passionate enough, no connection, not attractive…etc so now we’re going to fix every one of these problems. Then there’s no way our significant other would want to leave; right? WRONG! That’s only HALF the problem! You’re ready & willing fix everything but SHE needs to meet you half way & I can guarantee you that as hard as you’re looking for ways to make it work, she’s looking for a way to get out of it so basically all you’re self improvement, weather it be needed or not, is falling on deaf ears. I know this sounds harsh but trust me, it’s the same old story, just a different thread.

 

Also, I know it’s nice to read the “success stories” (I don’t really consider these successes as I’m not sure how trust is ever regained & who wants to spend their life always wondering about their SO’s fidelity & trying be someone they’re not just to appease their spouse & keep them from running away) but, for your sake, read some of the other threads as well if for no other reason than a precaution.

Take care

[Mz. Pixie]

Did you post on the marriagebuilders forum???

 

There are sections for Just Found out, etc. If you post your story under the general questions thread I bet you will get alot of responses. Post a topic like "Getting Proof" or something along those lines.

[Missy27]

First reaction ~?

 

Get this "Second Life" YIT out of your relationship once and for all ~ cause thats what it is ~ TOTAL and utter YIT. I understand where you are coming from ~ trying to bond with her and all that ~ but both of you are not gonna get anywhere whilst you are canoodling up to THAT together ~ ITS NOT REAL ~ !

 

Take Mz P'zs advice ~ look on Marriage Builders.com together instead ~ it might just give you BOTH something to think about realistically ~ rather than shifting the thought process to fantasy ~ fantasy is nice for a while ~ IF and ONLY if your marriage is on track for it ~ at the moment yours is not ~ GET real, get it sorted, get yourself sorted, get HER sorted ~ and get back on track ~ TRY that before you try anything else ~

 

Gunny often says about communication ~ not just a chat here and there ~ but an on going dialog ~ hopefully he might jump in here and explain that to you ~ i am not going to cause he can put it to you with MUCH more clarity ~ but its about COMMUNICATION ~ through and foremost ~ an conversation for life ~ something that keeps you going ~ a common interest in eachother that carries you through ~~ you dont gotta be rich in $$$$ to achieve that ~ !!!!!

[JustCoz]

MANY thanks to everyone for the support and well-intentioned advice. I didn't need a keylogger to get at the damning evidence I already knew was there. I will probably move to MB for now but will check in from time to time.

 

I'm sure it's an emotional affair at this point since the other man is in England and we're in the states but it was enough for her to feel that she wants out of the marriage (probably so she doesn't feel so guilty - she told me several times that IF I ever had an affair that "you'd better leave me first." I'm sure her own words are motivating her to end things before it gets worse.

 

For that reason it will be difficult for now to get her to join in marriage building activities, although we are starting to discuss things. I don't know where the journey ends but the changes in attitude I've undertaken are for ME and I am much happier with myself no matter where I end up.

 

Thanks again to all!

-JC

[Chrome Barracuda]

MANY thanks to everyone for the support and well-intentioned advice. I didn't need a keylogger to get at the damning evidence I already knew was there. I will probably move to MB for now but will check in from time to time.

 

I'm sure it's an emotional affair at this point since the other man is in England and we're in the states but it was enough for her to feel that she wants out of the marriage (probably so she doesn't feel so guilty - she told me several times that IF I ever had an affair that "you'd better leave me first." I'm sure her own words are motivating her to end things before it gets worse.

 

For that reason it will be difficult for now to get her to join in marriage building activities, although we are starting to discuss things. I don't know where the journey ends but the changes in attitude I've undertaken are for ME and I am much happier with myself no matter where I end up.

 

Thanks again to all!

-JC

 

Good for you!! She is a damn fool to think a man all that far away would even be interested in making things a long term relationship with her. She isnt the only one he's seeing. She's stupid enough to believe that? Please.

 

It's good your finally feeling that freedom from her and knowing that if she does leave you'll be okay. Alot of times when a woman leaves a man it only makes him stronger!

[JustCoz]

Good for you!! She is a damn fool to think a man all that far away would even be interested in making things a long term relationship with her. She isnt the only one he's seeing. She's stupid enough to believe that? Please.

 

It's good your finally feeling that freedom from her and knowing that if she does leave you'll be okay. Alot of times when a woman leaves a man it only makes him stronger!

 

Thanks, CB!

I don't believe she has been intending to leave me in order to be with him, just that if she feels this way then her love for me must be over and time for her to move on. Her mother, sister and best friend all think she's making a mistake and I know it as well. She would be leaving the best thing that ever happened to her, even if she doesn't realize it right now.

 

Cheers and thanks to all for the advice and support!

 

-JC

[Gunny376]

What she says~ doesn't mean a damn thing! There's a snake in tha' woodpile you can bet your ass sure and certain on that fact!

 

Move out? Move out of the house?

 

Damn you say!

 

Give up my DD?

 

To Hell you say!

 

I'd tell her happy~ass!

 

I'm not going anywhere ~ and you can take your crazy azz where ever you need to go!

 

If your azz wants to leave me? Don't be going~ be your happy @ss going! But its going to cost your happy-ass!"

 

No! I'm not moving out!

 

No! I'm not giving up my DD!

 

If your "happy-ass' has a problem with that? That's what it is! YOUR PROBLEM!