Space, Man - What is this "needing space" stuff all about?

[Samson]

Why does man "need space?"

 

Of course, by "man" I mean human males AND FEMALES?

 

Covey would have us believe that typical males need "space" more than females, that "Martians" are simply culturally and biologically wired to require more "space."

 

But why should this be so for either men or women?

[moimeme]

Of course, by "man" I mean human males AND FEMALES?

 

 

Darned if I know! Do you? Is this true for you?

 

My theory would be that maybe some men always felt 'controlled' by their mothers and so resist being 'controlled' by anybody else. This is an unsupported theory of my own - or at least one I've not checked to see if anybody has already researched.

[Tony T]

"Why does man "need space?"

 

Speaking from an evolutionary view, this bonding, relationship thing is relatively new. For most of his time on this earth, man was alone for the most part and acts of procreation occurred rather spontaneously. Females bonded with children long enough to get them out on their own and people didn't live very long.

 

That part of the brain which existed for most of this earlier time fights with the more modern part of the brain in seeking those times past, when a person lived in peace and without chaotic or other interaction with others. That's one opinion.

 

Another theory is most likely people just get tired of being around others, or one specific person, and prefer to be alone at times. Instead of allowing a person this space, so many people go bananas and get insecure when a partner asks to do something alone or to have some time alone. Eventually this frustration builds up and the person wanting the occasional space wants a very large chunk of space...away from the relationship.

 

Space is a good thing and should be part of any relationship. If one of the parties is too insecure to grant it to the other who needs it, there will be serious problems.

 

So the space thing is just something that many healthy humans require in order to nurture their true, inner selves without the interference of another person. Plain and simple. Both men and women are probably equal in their need for this kind of space, if they are anykind of mentally healthy specimen.

 

The need of space is often used as an excuse to slowly move away from somebody they'd rather have a lifetime of space away from.

[moimeme]

I think it is also a function of different companionship needs and people develop those in childhood, I suppose. You see some couples who are joined at the hip and love it and you see others who spend little time together and they're happy, too. Trouble arises when the couple has very different companionship needs, particularly when one person takes the other's need for some alone time to be a rejection.

[oscaroc]

My wife and I were joined at the hip for 5 years. In that 5 years we have only been away from each other for maybe 10 days for work related events. She is the type that needs the closeness in the relationship. I am more of a loner type so for me to show her that i loved her i gave her no space and all closeness. And she did the same for me and now i am addicted to her. So now we are seperated because she needs space!!!

 

I think that even though someone says they don't need the space or time away from each other. It is still in our nature to need it eventually. if we where to do it over i think we should have given each other our space in little doses through the years rather than a giant dose every 5 years or forever. I hope this makes sense.

[MESO]

i wasnt married or anything but my ex gf always wanted me there...she always wanted to be spending time with each other... i had to make my schedule around hers if i wanted to do something "why cant you do it that at this time because then ill be gone anyways" was the response...

 

so ya like you, i got used to it and i started to depend on it and ya know when all of sudden she says im gonna go do this is that ok? that is like a rejection and its very confusing...

 

so now she is the one who needs space now and its like im the clingy one...

 

NOw she needs her freedom.....

 

 

What the hell

[oscaroc]

Yes it is cofusing, When some people say they need space, in the case of my wife, They feel that they need to re-establish their identity. However if they are a dependent person the only thing they are going to accomplish is to establish themselves in another relationship. Therefore defeating the the purpose it is impossible for my wife wife to be alone even though she feels the need.

 

When i met my wife she had nearly hit rock bottom and i helped her get her life going again in a semi normal direction. Thinking back now I think she may have fell in love with me for that reason and not because i was a companion. Now she is on my level of living she feels that she can do it on her own and she may very well be able to. Space is an excuse weak people use to justify there own inner problems, faults and insecurities. Feel free to let me know what you think. I would like to know other peoples ideas on SPACE.

[hurtingandconfused]

Space is an excuse weak people use to justify there own inner problems, faults and insecurities.

 

Amen to that!

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by oscaroc

Space is an excuse weak people use to justify there own inner problems, faults and insecurities.

 

Sorry, my friend, I have yet to meet a "strong " man from your point of view. 'Cause all people I know - me included, have faults and insecurities. Yes, handling it is different from person to person.

 

I have no problem with intimacy - or didn't use to have . I've had a long serious relationship -he's my ex, we lived together and at some point, the only time when we weren't together was during work hours and when using the bathrooms. Not to mention the long phone talks.

 

Maybe I am too a dependent person. My ex bf tought me a lot of things, we've been there for eachother always, we practically grow up together during that time. But at some point it was too much. I spent all my years from 19 to 23 with him. The only times when I tried to do different things outside my relationship - international conferences or summer schools, we almost broke up. Is not that he didn't leave me enough space to grow, it's just that we were too close.

 

At the end of our relationship, I was aking for some time for myself, to rediscover who I was, to just go out with my friends, experience other things with other people. But the habit was just too strong...

 

He never prevented me from doing any of this, he gave me all the space and the freedome I wanted. I simply wasn't able to ... How was I suppose to tell him: "look, do you terribly mind if we take some time off and we don't live together for a while? I feel like getting intouch with my inner self!". Not to mention the fact that I was in denial for a long long time - suffering, feeling that I was 23 and that there were a lot of things I didn't know about me, but not admitting it. Nothing to do with other men. We were simply way too close, I was unable to communicate about this; I was afraid not to be with him, afraid he'll want to break up withme,afraid I'll hurt him, that he'll take it like a rejection. In the end it was exactly what kiled us .

 

Your wife told you. She did grow and she does have faith in you, faith that you won't resent her for what she's going through, that you'll at least accept, if not understand her.

 

If you are married - and by married I understand the promise made to the other person to ALWAYS be there - you should give her the time and space. And not judge! People don't react the way we want to and they don't evolve the way we want to. Not even those we love most.

 

Don't blame her for what she feels. If she feels it, than it's real. Trust her enough to believe she's telling the truth! Love her enough to get her back when she's ready. And have a long talk about what just happened - to reestablish the space you're both comfortable with.

[oscaroc]

Thank you for your input it is very useful for me. I have given her the space she needs and i am considerate of her fellings and needs. I hope she does find whatever it may be she is looking for but on the other hand i to am starting to see things in a different light and it isn't looking good for us. She has done some things that aren't appropriate for marriage and the promises that we made. I have held up my end but she has strayed a little.

 

In the end Your right if it endds up working we need to talk about what just happened and get on with our lives and make sure we provide for each other what we need.

[oscaroc]

He never prevented me from doing any of this, he gave me all the space and the freedome I wanted. I simply wasn't able to ... How was I suppose to tell him: "look, do you terribly mind if we take some time off and we don't live together for a while? I feel like getting intouch with my inner self!". Not to mention the fact that I was in denial for a long long time - suffering, feeling that I was 23 and that there were a lot of things I didn't know about me, but not admitting it. Nothing to do with other men. We were simply way too close, I was unable to communicate about this; I was afraid not to be with him, afraid he'll want to break up withme,afraid I'll hurt him, that he'll take it like a rejection. In the end it was exactly what kiled us .

 

 

 

I guess i don't understand what is bad about being close to someone you love. how are you ever "way to close"? To me that is why you get married is to have that closeness and companionship. I to have given my wife all the freedom she has ever asked for and i never told her she had to ask permission to do it she just has always asked. I have never been abusive in any way and i don't have any behavioral problems. My wife had assured me before we got married that she had done all the playing she wanted to do and that a family was what she was looking for. So I don't buy the whole need more space thing. I think needing more space has more to do with vulnerability in that they are overwhelmed and influenced by their enviroment, the people they associate with and that they searching for something better because they have gone as far as they can go with the person they are with, They have taken everything they have to offer from that person and want more.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by oscaroc

I guess i don't understand what is bad about being close to someone you love. how are you ever "way to close"? To me that is why you get married is to have that closeness and companionship. I to have given my wife all the freedom she has ever asked for and i never told her she had to ask permission to do it she just has always asked. I have never been abusive in any way and i don't have any behavioral problems. My wife had assured me before we got married that she had done all the playing she wanted to do and that a family was what she was looking for.

 

What you say and what you do, what you actually feel, no matter how much you think you are ready or prepared, is different. I didn't chose to have my personality sucked up by him. I didn't chose to became dependent. When I started out that relationship, I had been single for almost one year, and not by lack of choice!

 

So I don't buy the whole need more space thing. I think needing more space has more to do with vulnerability in that they are overwhelmed and influenced by their enviroment, the people they associate with and that they searching for something better because they have gone as far as they can go with the person they are with, They have taken everything they have to offer from that person and want more.

 

You sound so much like my ex imagine you are with someone so full of life and energy that shines up your day just being near that person. Now imagine you're with that person for a long period of time. You won't make the effort to pull yourself together and have your spirits high. IT happenes anyway, as a result of being with that person. So although the effect on you is the same, you don't do the work. You don't go through the process. Try and generalise this to a larger extent.

 

At the end, you'll have everything you need, but with no effort from yourself. And it gets to you, believe me. This is why I needed to break free from him. To do things myself. I didn't chose to do it. I have been weak. I have been submissive for not spending less time with him and more with me. By doing the easy part -which was enjoying his company, enjoying to be near him, I jepordized (ruined, since we broke up,and I have my degree of guilt) that relationship.

 

Do you understand how I was seeing things? It was uncomfortable to have time for myself, because there was no one to "shine up" my day. It was hard, because I was left alone with my thoughts... And I was risking "hearing the truth" from within myself. But in the end, nobody can take it.

 

What you don't understand is exactly the first thing you posted. You don't understand how dependency works. Do not mistake it for what I am sure you feel - the "habitude" ? - habit (poor English ) of being around the other one.

Do not think that she is searching for "someone" or "something" better. She is looking for herself. And should you prevent from taking her time off, she will leave.

 

After the "space" I reckon she'll be changed. Maybe she's trying not to be dazzled by you, to avoid another draw back. That's why the "change". At least try to get comfortable with her new self, instead of wanting her the way she was before. IT's very very important to put all your trust in her. I think she is doing the right thing, putting some order... your disaproval of her risks to increase her insecurity.

 

And: if she decides to leave, nothing you can say or can stop her. You'll know it, she'll know it and that would be the end of it! This is exactly why I was so afraid of telling my ex. Him thinking that I'm looking for a way out and the fear that he'll want to dump me if I change the relationship in any way. Don't confirm my fears,will you ?

 

So try not to be selfish and be there for your wife. Don't suffocate her, just ask her to comunicate if things are too difficult for you to handle.

[oscaroc]

I understand what you are saying now. you explained it well or ina way I can understand. And i dont mean to confirm your fears and make you feel bad i am just going off of my feelings and that is how i feel. And as far as me giving her space I have done so. It is her that is not giving me my space. I had to tell her that she really has to try and not contacnt me everyday about something unimportant.

 

I need to ask you what is it that you and maybe my wife are looking for? Independence, individuality, etc. i don't understand that part. and as far as the trust goes it is really hard at this point to trust her. she has been emailing a guy for who nows how long and she says she loves him in her e-mails and they talk about sex stuff. And a year ago she kissed her ex boyfriend and said it was my fault because i never french kiss her. I am afraid that if i have to much space, reality will push itself on me and i will really see what is going and it will be me leaving her. I m the one that has been hurt in the past. and i think her motives are different than yours. Thanks for helping me with this

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by oscaroc

. And i dont mean to confirm your fears and make you feel bad i am just going off of my feelings and that is how i feel. And as far as me giving her space I have done so. It is her that is not giving me my space. I had to tell her that she really has to try and not contacnt me everyday about something unimportant.

 

 

Not to worry. It was a silly joke, please be as harsh as you need to be, don't spare my feelings. I am dead serious about it. And yes, I know, calling for unimportant stuff used to sound just like me. It was reassurance - I've already told you about being afraid to be left alone with your own thought. Getting intouch with you actually is having a little taste of her drug - you.

 

 

I need to ask you what is it that you and maybe my wife are looking for? Independence, individuality, etc. i don't understand that part. and as far as the trust goes it is really hard at this point to trust her.

 

Wish I had the answer to that one. I cannot tell, because I've left the relationshîp, so I can't know what she wants from the relationship the two of you had, how she sees herself, how she sees you, how close or independant she wants to be.

 

I can say that after having the scolarship here and after realising how it was without being dependent on him, I had like an allergy when first looking back. It wasn't just my relationship, back home I was the backbone for everyone: my family - they didn't leave in the same city as I did, and my relationship. Then my sister came to start her studies, so I was like there for everyone. Then my parents decided to buy an appartment - which I did all alone, sine my ex was working and not at all interested in a problem that wasn't his. Of course, that was alsothe reason he wasn't taking care of any of the administrative stuff - and I am so bad with money, I just hate the bureaucracy and stuff. My sister was is a MEd student, so during her first year she was completely off subject with life around her.

 

Can't even say my ex was buying the food or cooking. Or cleaning without me pushing it over and over. Did I mention I was also building a career?

 

No you know why when I got the scholarship, left my country and had nothing but my own business I was... well, like a kid out of controll. It was freedome, but you see, it was soooooo much more that the fact that I was away from my ex. Until coming to Paris, I can't remember taking an afternoon for myself. Not bill, not cleaning, not phonecalls from my mom saying "oh, you forgot to do that" or "why didn't you do that sooner?" or "why isn't HE helping you?"... Yes, pressure from my parents, they kinda sow what was happening. But I let it happen. It was I the guilty one.

 

I didn't get to see what I wanted to change from him. When we sow each other months later... I felt like he was from another planet. I can't tell you how I changed. He acted like he used to... we had nothing in common anymore. I can't tell you why. He was totally reluctant to share my new experiences, to see what happened to my, how I had changed, what did I turn into... he just wanted the old me back.

 

she has been emailing a guy for who nows how long and she says she loves him in her e-mails and they talk about sex stuff. And a year ago she kissed her ex boyfriend and said it was my fault because i never french kiss her. I am afraid that if i have to much space, reality will push itself on me and i will really see what is going and it will be me leaving her. I m the one that has been hurt in the past. and i think her motives are different than yours. Thanks for helping me with this

 

I did play with my relationship too. After a year and a half, he was very neglegtive and I wanted to see if the grass was indeed greener on the other side. So we ended up breaking up for a couple of months, then I came back to him.

 

During that summer, I went abroad for some conferences, I met some guys, did kiss them. Mind you, this was after having came back to him. Why? Who knows? He doesn't know about this. But it was simply for fun , I never went beyond a kiss. Intimacy and the rest, talking about this is off topic for me. I don't know why I did it, maybe because I was already suffocated... my declaration of independence - such an idiot! IT's the same stuff like those who are very gealous. They are so crazy about not being cheated and fear so much that someone else might still the object of their attention that they end up doing it themselves - cheating and ruinning the relationship... Just a thought.

 

BUT: I was not married, I was with my FIRST boyfriend I was in my early 20's!!!

[FolderWife]

While I'm not for the whold "space" thing myself, I can understand why someone would just NEED A BREAK! I work full time, as does my husband. It was all fine and dandy in the beginning...he'd get home between 4 and 5, and I'd get home a little after 5:30. He had Wednesdays off alone, and I had Half of Saturdays off alone, and we shared Sunday off together.

 

It was good, because we had time together, and time apart.

 

My hours changed at work, and I ended up getting the same days off as him, but two days a week, I had to work until 7..he'd go to bed at 9, so that only left 2 hours in the evening for us together.

 

So where it was pretty well balanced before, now it's becoming a nightmare. I come home at 7 in the evening, so instead of my husband being alone for 30 minutes, he's now alone for 3 hours! When I get home, he wants my attention, but I just came home from an 11 hour day, and I'm not in the MOOD to give anyone attention, I just want to be alone for about 2 hours. After 2 hours, though, he's going to bed. So that's no time. If we do spend time, we end up fighting.

 

Also, I don't have a day off any more. I'm either at work working, or at home listening to him nag. I never have time to miss him, because I never have time to want him around when he's not there.

 

I NEED SPACE! I need some time alone, without him complaining about it!

 

I do NOT agree with moving out to get away from a spouse for a while, but I am fast learning where the idea stems from. Not having a littel time alone in a marriage, causes a lot of tension.

[ohsohotnow]

My boyfriend just told me HE needed space to think about if he wanted to be with me anymore. I say, if you are having doubts about the relationship you're in, you should SPEND TIM TOGETHER trying to work out the problem instead of putting distance between an already suffering pair of people. That's my opinion.

[dudesomewhere]

I don't know...I am one of those that does not believe they ever need space. If I like someone enough I don't get enough of them. If I love someone I definitely would not need space from them. They could be in my face 24/7 and I wouldn't mind. I don't know why that is, but I do know it's rare. I hope it's not too rare though.

 

You know, it is interesing. If I was interested in someone, loved them...cared for them I'd want to live within their aura. I don't understand the wanting to get away from someone when you initially wanted to get to know them. I wonder if it's a part of respect...and it feels like disrespecting them when I would need space. I don't look at someone as some object for my amusement. I wonder if deep down some people do and won't admit to it.

 

Yeah, I really can't see myself ever wanting to be away from someone I grow to love, why would I need space from love? That's like not wanting to see your little baby niece and nephew. Maybe it reflects and resonates throughout all we do? For example, when my niece and nephew climb on me and beat on me I just close my eyes...enjoy their little fists pounding away to no effect and never tiring of them because I love them so. It's the same when you find someone outside your family that captures your heart just as strongly.

 

eh? I ramble

[FolderWife]

See, that's how I feel.....if you love someone, you SHOULD want to hang out with them 24/7. Unfortunately, when you get married to, or live with someone, you have bills, and laundry, and dishes, and dinners that cause you to have little problems with each other.

 

Sometimes, being with someone too much can cause you to resent them. They can get on your nerves. Honestly, I get on my OWN nerves sometimes, so how can I expect someone to want to be around me all the time, if sometimes i can't stand myself?

 

If you are in a dating relationship, and one "needs space" then just get out now. If a relationship isn't close to perfect when you are dating, and you DON'T want to be together 24/7, then DON'T MOVE IN TOGETHER, AND DON'T GET MARRIED!

 

My husband and I got married, because we were so in love, and wanted to be together, and couldn't stand being apart, and were miserable apart, but due to distance and living arrangements, we couldn't be together NEARLY as much as we wanted to.

 

When he proposed, we were engaged a week, before we got married. That's how much we were DYING to be together, and that's how it should be.

 

If you need space when you are DATING, then the relationship probably isn't going to go anywhere, so just give up and move on.

 

Whenever I got out of a relationship, I always vowed never to try and get back with the other person. We obviously broke up for some reason, so I guess we'd better not get together, or we'll have the same problems! If a guy left me, but didn't give me a decent explaination, I never waited around on him, because who needs to plan a future with someone that will just leave for no reason? People need more stability if they are going to be together.

 

Look how much love and need for each other my husband and I had. Now, look at all the problems we have. If we weren't getting along when we were dating, and putting our BEST foot forward, could you imagine the mess we'd be in now???

 

NEVER DATE SOMEONE YOU WOULDN'T MARRY!!! If you date someone, the next logical step is falling in love. Then the next logical step is to get married. Then the next logical step is to have kids.

 

Don't date someone you wouldn't marry, and don't marry someone you wouldn't want to father your children. Don't be in an abusive relationship, then get pregnant. If you are in an abusive relationship and you DO get pregnant, think of your kid, and GET OUT!

 

Do you think I'd willingly bring a KID into this mess of a marriage that I'm dealing with??

 

People of the world!!! Think think THINK before you get into a relationship! Never say, "Well, I'm just going to date them, but I'm not going to marry them," because it DOESN'T WORK! Human nature makes you fall in love! Why do you think there are so many 16 year olds who have BABIES! Human NATURE! EVERYONE knows the dangers of having sex, and EVERY 16 year old has been warned against getting pregnant, and getting a girl pregnant. That doesn't stop them, because HUMAN NATURE is a hard thing to fight.

 

SO DON'T DATE SOMEONE YOU WOULDN'T MARRY!!!

 

*steps down from soap box*

[ohsohotnow]

one reason i was slightly reluctant to join a discussion forum- everyone is entitled to and has thier own opinions. It is very easy to give advice without having actual experience. it is very easy to advise someone to do something you know you don't have the strength to do yourself. maybe that's why we all like to give advice- and live vicariously through the happiness and self-satisfactions of others. anyway, you can warn people to THINK THINK THINK before they get into a relationship, but MY opinion is sometimes you can't help it. If we coud pick the people we will fall in love with and not fall in love with we wouldn't need this forum, would we. i say, the more you hurt the more you heal, and healing is strengthening and it helps you grow, and it gives you wisdom. I would rather have a million happy memories and a million sad ones than none at all. so don't always feel that you have to THINK THINK THINK, just try your best to LIVE LIVE LIVE.

[CurlyIam]

Look, Monday, I can't really agree to what you are saying. What if I don't feel like gettin married? Does this imply that I'm lying to my current bf?

 

I think I understand what you're saying, to me people don't fall inlove after some time, it's a bit meaner! They get used to one another. A matter of custom. I think when you meet love, you know. But you still should be going out and meet people, even if you don't feel that, or that instinct tells you he's not "the one". If you don't, you'll be a loner and never meet love, 'cause you're waiting for the special person.

 

Hopefully, when oin out, there are things one finds attractive. You learn a lot about yourself and about those around you. On the contrary, my advice is to go out a lot, meet lots of people and experience a lot, make a lot of mistakes so that when the right person cames alon, you're able to make it right. For you have lived!

 

I don't think it's about using the rest of the "dates". Maybe right now I'm more into feeling stuff, just chill and not put myself so many questions. Somethin' like live and let live !

[CurlyIam]

Or it may have somthing to do with the fact that I don't believe in first being with someone and fall inlove afterwards. Either you have the thrill, either you don't! 'Cause one can have fun without making special efforts! Not necessarily enjoying the date's company, I admitt , but there are a lot, ALOT of fun things out there!

[oscaroc]

Like i said my wife and I were joined at the hip throughour five years of being together. So why all of the sudden can she not enjoy the things in life with me. I know that I enjoy them with her. IThink that giving someone the space they ask for is like giving them a pass to mess up the relationship. Yeah there is a lot of fun things to do out there but a lot of them are negative temptations that could ruin a persons life very easily.

 

When you get married I beleive you forfeit some privelidges for example i wouldn't ask my wife to go to strip club because i think that would be disrespecting her. So asking for space seems to me like it is asking to not be married anymore for a while so you can go and partake of temptation. Which in turn demolishes TRUST and makes it impossible to ever have what you had before.

 

How do you know when you've had enough space how does your partner know? Do you wait for the relationship to explode again? Do you ever know if you have experienced everything life has to offer? One thing I do know is that there is a lot of people out there looking for the same thing i am looking for and I know there is a lot in this life I will not get to experience THAT IS LIFE. I don't need space to figure that out!!!

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by oscaroc .

How do you know when you've had enough space how does your partner know? Do you wait for the relationship to explode again? Do you ever know if you have experienced everything life has to offer? One thing I do know is that there is a lot of people out there looking for the same thing i am looking for and I know there is a lot in this life I will not get to experience THAT IS LIFE. I don't need space to figure that out!!!

 

Listen, I don't mean to be a pesimistic here, but you sound badly hurt. Even in my darkest hours I couldn't have done that to my ex. At the beginning I admired your wife for standing up for herself - you know, her being lost inot you and the rest! But it seems that she is taking all her time and doesn't necessarily do something with it! This is very risky as it is!

 

Why don't you talk to her? Why on Earth are you here talking to us instead of her? She may be going through things, but she's got no right to play with you! I am all for allowing the other person to take her time,but actually get somewhere. Solve issues, otherwise, like you said, issues shall be ending with her. MAkeher understand she risks loosing you for good! (Hint: that always scares the s*** out of us, dependent people). Even after some time from having ended my affair, I have had a shock when realizing that my safety net is gone! it's all in her head, my friend. It's all there!

[oscaroc]

Once again you help me see the issue at hand, Thank You. As far as talking with her I tried in the beginning, and now everytime i talk to her i see a person I don't think i want to be with she almost disgusts me. She is very irrational and won't talk in a civilized manner. I asked what the seperation and space is supposed to accomplish and she replied that she isn't trying to figure anything out. So that made up my mind to retain an attorney and get this ball rolling. If she isn't trying to work it out or find herself then I am not going to wait around. Do you think that will get her thinking or is it to much? How do you tell someone they risk losing you? I really don't think she would care if i told her that anyways she's so blinded.

 

Also, If we figured things out for now and got back together how do you know if it is not going to happen again? Cause I can't do this again you know.

 

I appreciate your insite and willingness to help

[CurlyIam]

OMG,Oscar, this is very serious! I feel truly badly for you ! But may I ask a few questions first? Are you sure that you understood correctly? Did she say that she isn't trying to figure anything out and meant about you two? Maybe she said she wasn't trying to find anything about what was happening to her -you know,like when you're taking one day at the time and not necessarily control where they're going.

 

Maybe, she was talking about herself being confused with her evolving in a different direction than you... Maybe you didn't emphasize well what was important in your question - you asked: "what the seperation and space is supposed to accomplish", not "what the separation and space is supposed to accoplish for us". Her response could have been refering to her current situ.... BUT: one only is confused and one doesn't know about where one is going. Or about what one wants. But they are preocupated with it and are concerned with solving the situation. Therefore the worry! Otherwise is simply is "going with the flow".

 

I can understand wanting to solve the situation no matter how - believe me, it can be hell and any answer is better than no answer when you feel you don't have air to breathe. Still, with the risk of repeating myself! that would mean she's focussed on a way to solve the problem. To get out of the "figuring out" and "needing space" to "have their space" SO THAT SHE'S GOT ANSWERS.

 

Secondly: what's her age? She does act rather irresponsably... But she could do that because of her being convinced you'll always be there for her!

 

Thirdly: did ou tell her you are seriously thinking of going to an attorney? Oscar, I am sure you meant right but who knows? She could be mad at you for not letting her have her time, for always questioning her, for constantly bugging her with questions... How was it? How did you guys get here? What's your part of the guilt?