My husband left me with two children

[Meghead]

I met my husband when I was 22. We fell in love straight away and I knew he was the one for me. I trusted him completely with everything and have never been as close to anyone in my whole life. He was exactly the same with me. We got married two years later and went on to have two children. He moved around a lot with his job and I followed. Because money was short we got a council flat. I decided to further my education while the children were small so I finished my degree and started a Master's Degree.

 

I am half way through me Master's Degree and my husband walked out on New Years Eve. He has left me in a block of flats, top floor with no lift and two children. One is 3 and the other is 10 months. I am in the middle of England far away from my family and have lost touch with my friends. Where I live is quite rural and you need to drive. I don't drive and my husband has gone with the car. He hasn't really got an explanation for me except that he has been unhappy for a while and he still loves me and the children. He still pays some of my bills and sometimes helps with the children at bath time. He works during the day but evening time he trains as his hobby is mixed martial arts. He says he hasn't been happy for a while, but last November he broke his arm in a match so he couldn't train for six weeks. We were very happy during that time, and it was just like when we met. He also agrees he was very happy at that time.

 

When he initially left me, I took the children on the long train journey to my mother's house. He followed me the next day and expressed how much he regretted his decision and wanted to work things out. We talked and talked and finally decided to work things out. The next day things were great and he even suggested that we renew our wedding vows. A few days later he has turned around again and wants nothing to do with me. I have had to return to central england because of my master's degree. It costs over four thousand pounds and my mother has paid my fees for me. As a result she has nearly gotten her house re-possessed , so I cannot drop out or defer. I have no friends here, no transport and am stuck in a flat built for one. My husband is basically living like a free man, he sees the children when he wants and pays no rent etc as he is living with his mother now. He has completely changed in a month, so much so that I don't recognize him. The doctor apparently has said he has had a breakdown and is suffering from depression. However, he went out clubbing a few nights ago. I know he loves me but I don't understand what is going on as he has just shut himself off from me. He told me that we are officially separated and I'm free to date other people if I want. This hurt me tremendously. I initially thought there was someone else, but I am confident now that there is not. Last night my son awoke in the small hours of the morning crying for his daddy. I didn't know what to say to him, I just say 'he's gone out' or 'he's at work' and try and settle him. We wren't really on good speaking terms so I emailed him asking for answers. He basically said that he still loves me but he needs to be alone. and that's basically it.

 

When I text him, he often ignores me and today when he came to see the children, he bit my head off for asking him if he is going to go to counselling, he told me it was personal. I know this is not the behavior of someone who loves me. The one thing my husband is, and that is honest. If he didn't love me, I believe he would say. He has also said that he is paying my bills partly because he wants to come back after he has sorted his head out, but on another occasion when I asked for a divorce, he didn't bat an eyelid, and agreed to give me one. This past month he is a completely different person. He has taken me out for lunch and I truly did not recognize the person opposite me. He says that I don't let him be himself and that this is his true self that I see now. We have been together for five years and I can't think how he could have hidden his true self from me for so long. I don't think that's possible. This new him is cruel, quick to temper, aggressive with everyone and just downright rude and out of order. He has shouted abuse at people for no apparent reason. Swore at girls because he doesn't like the look of them. My husband was never like this before. I actually now don't like being around him. I really miss my old husband, the one I married, the one that was there up until Christmas. He has been gone now for nearly a month and the new one is still just as abusive as ever. When he moved out on New Year's Eve, on New Year's Day he came and cleared out the rest of his stuff. Everything is gone.

 

I am so very very lonely with no friends or family nearby. The phone bill is huge and I can't afford to pay it. My mother and sisters are also struggling so I don't feel that I can ask them for money. The work load at uni is very heavy and I'm getting very stressed out. I'm trying to remain as normal as possible so my eldest is okay, but inside my heart is broken and I don't feel like I can go on. I feel like running away, but have nowhere to run to and no money. I also feel like giving my husband the kids so he knows what it feels like, but I couldn't do that to them I could never abandon them.

 

I am so very lonely, and so very sad. I cry most of the time I am alone and I feel like I am just hanging on by a thread. I avoid my lecturer's gaze during lectures because I know he is going to ask me to do an oral presentation sooner or later and I can't get my head around it. I am barely keeping up. He knows of my situation, but it is part of the course to do one, so he will ask me.

 

I feel like I want to die. Not that I am going to commit suicide or anything like that because that is something I would never do. It would hurt my family and my mother too much, but the feeling is there that death would be a welcome release from all the pressure and loneliness that I am facing. I am not eating and although I know this is bad for me, somehow it makes me feel a bit better. I am so utterly hurt, so utterly hurt and so, so, very alone. I desperately want my old husband back, but part of me think's gone for good. Every evening I sit alone and watch television, I watch all the soaps until I'm so tired I have to sleep. I can go days without seeing anyone. I can't go out and make friends because I have no babysitters. My in-laws refuse to babysit. That's just the way they have always been. I have previously tried mother and baby class and for some reason all the women give me a wide birth. I thought it would get better, but it didn't. I remember I saw one of the girls in the street and said hello, but she insisted she didn't remember me. Even though our son's know each other. I am totally alone here and am going to be for some months until I finish my master's degree. I have no idea what's going on with my husband and he either can't or won't say. I need some advice to help me past this difficult patch in my life, because I am at a loss with what to do. How can I make the hurt go away?

 

Please, please does anyone have any advice for me? Or has anyone been in the same situation?

[herbalyyys]

well first off...it doesnt sound like it is your fault.It sounds(from what you say) that HE is the one who had some sort of emotional crisis or breakdown.You stated he does martial arts....could he possibly be on steroids? The extreme mood swings, and the rage at other people...sounds screwy to me. I mean, seriously, you have to keep that in mind. wow. I dont know how england works as far as child care, but check with a pediatricians office to ask for resources for low cost child care. they may be able to help.or what about the university/sometimes they have a sort of child care for students,or an enrollment in their own child education class.In America, you could get an aliomny and child support,as he rather abandoned you in the midst of your education and childrearing.you really have to weigh your judgement of him with his mood swings...do you trust him with the children? If so, then just start dropping the kids off a few nights so you can work or school. If he lives at home, maybe his parents will start putting the responsibility on him...hey, your dropping the kids off with HIM, its not YOUR fault if he tries to hand them over to his Mum, right?Its scary being left in sole support of your kids, but plenty of women(and men!) do it every day. you can do it...have faith in yourself.

[abbiecat]

You sound to be very alone and you need support. Even if you have friends to talk its still difficult not to burden them too much so professional help is a good idea. I think you might qualify for free counselling support SEE YOUR G.P .

 

I do empathise with you, my husband has also left me after nearly 20 years. We were not young things, both had careers and previous relationships , and we fell in love , married and started a family

when i was 35. We have a successful business, no money worries and 2 lovely kids .

 

 

But after a series of arguments about work (he is a workaholic) my husband moved out in august

"for some space" . he has been living in our friends rental accom. he continued to come home

weekends to see me and the children, we had a short family holiday and days out, and then he and

I even had a week away alone in december . At that time it all seemed very promising, he said he still loved me and we talked of having another go. But, like you, New year seemed to change him...he told me on Jan 2nd he likes living alone with no hassle , can work late (he has own business and is workaholic) and now he isnt sure what he wants !! just that he feels there must be more to life etc etc (how flattering is that ?)

 

 

It was our sons 15th birthday yesterday, usually a typical teenager who likes to be with his mates more than at home, but he actually asked if we could have a traditional birthday tea party with grandma, auntie, uncle , godparents etc . Dad came too, a bit awkward at first cuz no-one had seen him for months but it went ok i thought. However afterwards he ran off again like a scalded cat saying that he on a different plane now ... whetever that sposed to mean.

 

 

You need to talk to someone, try Relate or your GP for support and then the Citizens Advice Bureau for practical / financial advice.

 

DO IT NOW

[Weird]

you need to get this guy paying some child support and spousal (for the time being) support as well. Do you have a part time job? If not, you need one.

 

Sorry to hear about this and I have no clue what his problem is.