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Goodness… She is a controlling, jealous, and borderline abusive person who is causing damage to your mental and physical health. Run far away and break off all contact with her.

Thank you for your sweet words, Sanch. It is actually a bit interesting that it doesn’t take me a lot of effort to stay away and keep no contact this time. In the past I couldn’t. Now I feel good and quite happy, relieved. Guess I wasn’t ready to walk away earlier, but I’m very sorry to myself it took so long until I was able to actually walk away

I (29M) have been with my girlfriend (26F) for a year and a half, and we moved in together about six months ago. We met while I was attending an individual foreign language course where she was one of the teachers. The first three months were, I guess, a honeymoon phase — we visited each other often, talked about everything, and even went abroad together that early. It seemed perfect. After that, things started to shift. Before I get into it — I want to be upfront that I realize this is entirely my perspective, and she would probably tell some of this differently. I'm not writing this to build a case against her. She has real qualities, and I still have genuine feelings for her. If anything, I'm worried that by laying it all out like this I'm unconsciously gathering arguments to justify a decision I haven't fully admitted to myself yet. What I do know is that I'm not in a good place, and I needed to write it down. There's one more thing worth saying upfront: I've learned that her only previous long-term relationship — since her teenage years — was with someone who had a serious alcohol problem. He would go out partying without her, she couldn't trust him, and she essentially had to manage everything herself and push him to do anything right. I think about this a lot, because it explains some of what I'm experiencing — the jealousy, the need for control, the difficulty trusting. These things don't come from nowhere. But I also find myself asking whether I'm the right person to be here while she works through it, and whether it will actually change. I'm not sure. What I do notice is that after the worst period — around the time we were supposed to move in together, and then when we actually did — something shifted in me. I don't feel good about our days and often feel like I'm forcing myself to be a good partner, to be happy to be there. The pattern of reproaches She began criticizing me regularly for everything even when Im really trying my best — for certain words I used, for being a few minutes late (we're talking 5 minutes max), for agreeing with someone else on a minor point instead of her, or for wanting to catch up with female friends (one friend lives abroad from my exchange studies, another lives here — neither was a romantic interest in any way). She even got upset when I spent a few minutes talking with her sister's boyfriend the first time we met, simply because the conversation topic wasn't something she was into. I had to text her regularly even when I'm at work (this has improved a bit and she tolerates now that I can be busy at work) or even when I'm studying with my phone away. It has happened that she got cold with me because I didn't reply within five minutes while I was spending time with my family after a long time apart — and it turned into an argument. This happened many times. If she were spending quality time with her family, I would be happy for her. If I'm spending time with mine, I was supposed to be replying. It often feels like my world must revolve around her. Early on, I was surprised by this and genuinely tried to change — and I did, in many ways. Now I find myself replying to her messages while running, studying, doing anything, just to avoid conflict. Soon after the reproaches began I started defending myself instead, and that doesn't help either. I used to be very assertive, but I feel like I'm slowly losing that part of myself. When I bring this up, she either says it's normal to argue in a relationship, or accuses me of trying to change her. Once she literally said: "That's just who I am — if you want a harmonious relationship, maybe I'm not the right person for you." Then she said she didn't mean it, and usually she says she's working on herself — and occasionally that does seem true. But I remember feeling genuinely relaxed after six days without an argument and realizing that hadn't happened in a long time. And I think the arguing stopped not because she has changed, but because I did — I'm trying to do everything carefully so as not to provoke her. The children issue and religion Around five months into the relationship she said she definitely wouldn't wait three years to have children, because I said that three years felt like a healthy timeline to really know you're both ready. We nearly broke up over it. The compromise was that we'd revisit it later. This is also tied to something broader: she comes from a Christian family, goes to church, and holds some traditional views — including around contraception. We had to navigate that from early on – with me making concessions mostly. I am an atheist from a non-religious family. Honestly, I feel less ready now than I did then — because I feel like I'm still waiting to find the harmony I'd want as a foundation for that step. And because she's currently finishing a second degree (something she'd wanted to do for years and I encouraged her to pursue), I sense there's an unspoken deadline — that once she's done, it will be time to "settle." I'm still figuring out my own career direction and considering a PhD. That pressure doesn't help my sanity. Jealousy and trust She doesn't like me having contact with women generally — colleagues, friends, anyone. I've stopped mentioning conversations with female colleagues even when something interesting happens. She occasionally tells me I was looking at a random woman, usually one I genuinely didn't even notice. One example: we went canoeing with a group of my friends, and there were also two women there — one with her partner, the other with a male friend. It was a hot day and I jumped into the water. To do that I took my shirt off. She got mad. I wasn't trying to show off, no one paid any attention, it was just a normal thing to do on a hot day on a river. But that was enough to get her angry. Compatibility I like to do many activities running, gym, pub quizzes, chess, hiking, studying and reading, learning languages, pop culture.. she doesn't share most of these interests, but still gets a bit irritated when I pursue them without her — and she doesn't really join in either. We can hike, but only for about two hours. I can't study for longer than about half an hour when we're together. We never played chess together and she thinks it's a nerdy thing. French language, which literally brought us together, now makes her roll her eyes when I use it — even to express something casually, or when I pause to think of a word. Our conversations have narrowed — apart from talking about our days, she prefers talking about people and relationships, I like talking about almost anything. If I bring up something factual, she listens but doesn't engage. And, of course, If I say something wrong thing, we argue. The things we genuinely enjoy together are the basics any couple does: movies, cooking, walks, cuddling. That's not nothing, but it feels like there should be a bigger connection. There's also a pattern I'd call hypocritical, even if I don't like using that word. An example, when I mentioned I was thinking about getting a certificate to do official translations, she said I didn't have a C2 level — even though I have an English certificate and studied entirely in English. When I asked a couple of days later if she is sure to use English subtitles for a movie, she got upset, saying I was implying her English wasn't good enough — even though she's the one who usually says that about herself. I normally always tell her her English is great. I just thought the vocabulary in that particular movie might be tricky. But she can literally say openly downgrading things about me, while I cannot politely ask without provoking her (to be honest, I realized it might do so, but given her criticism about my idea to get the certificate, I guess I didn't hesitate to ask this)– after this one sentence she called me toxic, a person who cannot apologize and spoiled brat (for whatever reason). Some specific examples - please tell me if these are normal in a relationship My migraines: I get severe migraines about five times a year — vomiting, blind spots, loss of feeling in my hand, completely debilitating. It started when I was a teenager. The first time it happened during our relationship, I was away with family and I at least texted her to let her know I was getting a migraine — so she'd know why I wasn't replying. Afterward, she got angry because she had been worried and I was “ignoring her”. I was honestly proud of myself for even picking up the phone to text the sentence I mentioned — it takes everything I have during an episode. Another time I had to pull over while driving because I couldn't see properly – a sign I am getting a migraine. I told her she didn't have to drive, that we could just wait a couple of hours until it passed — I only knew I needed to fall asleep, as that's the only thing that helps. She preferred to drive (and did it well), but was angry with me the whole time. For having a migraine I can't predict. Her birthday party: I helped her prepare everything, met her family for the first time and some of her friends — I was genuinely quite stressed about it. The evening went well. Then we played a card drinking game and I drew a card asking what I really hate. She responded quickly instead of me saying out loud "children" and left the table. Her friends looked at me visibly confused. This was apparently because months earlier I'd said a couple should spend more time together before deciding they're ready for children (as I mentioned above). Two days later she told me she was also angry that day because I'd agreed with one of her female friends on some unimportant topic instead of her (I did not even realize, we were literally talking about labour law and I had an experience in that area so I gave my opinion, different to hers, without degrading her whatsoever). For the rest of that evening she had been cold to me as if I'd done something terrible. During such an important day. Her sister's boyfriend: The first time I met him, we ended up briefly discussing some news related to our shared field of study — maybe five minutes, all of us eating breakfast together at the same table. She got cold immediately for a reason I didn't see. Even her sister (who she herself describes as impulsive) told her to be normal. St. Nicholas Day: I secretly put her favorite snacks in her boot by the window the night before, playing along with the tradition as if "Santa brought them." When she asked if I'd gotten her something, I said no, wanting it to be a surprise. She got upset and pointed out that her mom had sent me something small. I said that wasn't really from her (I didn't mind — I actually don't like receiving presents), so she wasn't really in a position to argue. She kept going, even saying that she's a woman and it's normal for her to receive presents. Eventually I told her to check the window. She apologized and admitted she acted stupidly. This was rare — even when she does occasionally apologize, she usually tries to explain herself in a way that softens what she's apologizing for, so that in the end its my exaggeration. The good parts My family likes her. She's responsible and I have no concerns about fidelity. When she's in a good mood she's warm and caring, and she's great with children. I don't want to paint her as a villain at all. But I've noticed that I'm starting to dread our bad moments more than I look forward to the good ones. I buy her flowers regularly. One month I overspent and didn't want to buy more at least until the next paycheck — and she reminded me it had been a while. Things that used to feel like gestures of love are starting to feel like obligations. I've done two sessions of therapy for the first time in my life, partly because of career stress, but honestly also because I'm almost constantly anxious and thinking about whether we should break up. The worst periods came in the last eight months — around the time we moved in together and met each other's families, which I thought would bring us closer. I started this relationship more certain than I'd ever been. More sure after a few weeks than I was after four years with my previous partner. I wanted to be with her. And now I'm here. She thinks we're fine. She says these things happen and that we don't fight too much. Part of what makes this hard to untangle is that I'm not sure of my own motives anymore. It feels like I might be unconsciously gathering arguments to justify breaking up, while still having real feelings for her. I don't know if I'm seeing the relationship clearly or if I'm sabotaging something good because I'm scared, or restless, or both. This is the first time I've ever moved in with someone. We built something together — the flat, the routines, the life around it. And I'm turning 30 soon. I don't actually fear being alone — there's still a lot I want to do and figure out before settling down, and being single would simplify some of it — but I do fear making a mistake I can't undo. In either direction. What I know for sure is that I'm not having a good time. And I'm not sure how much longer I can keep wondering whether that's her fault, my fault, or just what relationships look like when you're really in them. If you've been through something similar, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing from you. TL;DR: Been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years, moved in 6 months ago. She's frequently critical, controlling about my time and contact with people (mostly women), and our worst fights have left me feeling like I've lost something. Her difficult past explains some of it, but I don't know if things can change. I still have feelings for her but I'm anxious almost every day and don't know if I'm in a genuinely difficult relationship or sabotaging something good out of fear.

this is very clearly stating she wants to date other people

Astrology is nonsense. And it's unclear why you are so fixated on this woman's behavior. Why does it matter so much to you?

Sorry, but she doesn’t love you the same way as you love her. She literally said that. For your own good, you need to acknowledge the fact. This has nothing to do with the differences in lifestyle and approach to relationships. These may be reconciled in a compromise. Lack of spark may not. She repeatedly reiterated that she doesn’t feel that spark. You should end this and look for someone who fully reciprocates your feelings.

No, it actually doesn't sound like you have a real bond and connection. She flat-out told you that you are more into her than she is into you, and that she doesn't feel a spark with you. It's time to face that and let her go. No she's not seeking perfection, she is seeking someone who she is more into and feels a spark with. Which is a perfectly reasonable thing for her to want. You need to stop looking for excuses as to why she's not that into you. She's just not.

I'll be honest, it sounds like you're putting her on a pedestal and making excuses for her, while at the same time crying out for help. There's something here that you're withholding, and it makes me suspect that she [may be] mistreating you. Moving into your home early on. I'll go ahead and say it, imo, couples who are not married should never move in together. Too many bad things happen in those situations. If marriage is imminent, that's different, but not by much. It has to be played so razor thin straight to the point where there is absolutely no error. Other than that, you two would be better off staying in your own homes. I've seen couples fall out of love from each other, one person being favored more than the other for the ownership of the home, and someone being left with nothing but ended up doing all the work. In this case, this was probably your gf's idea to move in with you and you obliged by it because you thought you were in love and things were going to plan. In reality, though, it's not, from what you're saying. The constant "good/bad weeks" scenario. Yes, everyone will have good/bad days. That's life. However, weeks on end of having bad weeks is something that doesn't even sound normal, unless if they are spending time in prison, a passing of a loved one, or financial struggles. My question is bad weeks of what? Other than what was listed, what were those bad weeks about? If it was something along the lines of social media or something as simple as not going to a particular social event that had no significance in your relationship, or anything that may help her garner attention onto herself, that's not a particularly good sign for any relationship. We all can come under stress, but to the degree she's dealing with, something tells me she brought it onto herself. I understand when you may have one too many to drink because it can sneak up on you if you're not careful (trust me when I say a lot of us have been there). However, if there's one thing about an adult beverage is it can be effective type of truth serum. So when she hit you on top of your head, that tells a story. With the lack of detail, I'm wondering if she struck you more than once on the head. Imo, she ran off for a bit not because she was sorry but rather she had expressed how she really feels about you and sobered up just enough to put on an act so you didn't notice that this was actually her disrespecting you willingly rather than the alcohol playing games. Not only that, it sounds like she may have been putting on an act the whole time. Honestly, I would have called it off with her then. It sounds like it's an unhealthy relationship. If this girl is a kind person, she wouldn't have laid hands on you nor have her bad weeks. My other question is how often does she drink and get on her other substances? If it's very often, that should be your sign to get out of the relationship. If this is, in her mind, her only way of dealing with the stress and other anxieties, she has other problems (big ones). Doesn't matter what the family and your friends see, you are seeing her for who she really is. Again, this is all my opinion based on the information your giving here, but given this, it sounds like she is bullying and manipulating you. I hope I'm wrong, but, I'm sorry, the patterns all seem to be there. The next chance to get away from her, take it. You don't need that and deserve so much better.

The answer's easy: no. Something very easy to live by and to always remember, if it's anything but 'yes,' it's 'no.' There's a reason she rejected you. Part of it, yes, she just broke up with her bf, but the other reason is she's not into you. Going after her now would not be a good idea. Best to move on from her.

Going to be a long post and think I know the answers... Both around 50 - met 2.5 years ago, live only 2.5 miles apart and have a lot of shared connections, paths cross a lot. Bit of a whirlwind start, then like most relationships it gets steady. Until around 9mths in when her ex of 10 years gets back in touch. She says she needs to see if there is anything there so needs to end things. So we do, go NC but that lasts a few days. He comes down to see her, there is not that spark she thought may be there. We sort of get back (we are seeing each other a fair bit at this stage) and this goes a bit on/off for a couple of months until she says that I am the one. Last year was fine, but it seemed I was more into her than she me. I had been with someone for 22 years before we met so have only spent the last 3 years or so on my own, whereas she has live on her own for 10 years. She is more independent, doesnt like the label of bf/gf, I would put pics of us on FB, she wouldn't. She was very hot and cold. Sometimes very needy, other times a bit distant. She knows my plan would be to move in together, she doesnt think she will ever want that. Personality wise I am more full on, heart on sleeve and all that. It all kicked off this year, came back from holiday - one thing really annoyed me when she was not hungry and didnt want to come for dinner with me, leaving me to go on my own. If it was the other way round I would have still gone, either have something small or just a drink. When we got back we both went a bit quiet on each other. I was feeling a bit unloved she didnt think I was bothered. Made up but then she got in a mood when I booked a solo city break for just me, and a big holiday with my kids later in year. But she had also booked a trip with her sister without telling me. It wasn't that relationship where we had to get permission but here she is saying she is not bothered and then wanting to be included in things. Last week, we had been getting on ok, and I said I was not happy. I felt like it was a little one-sided and I wanted more from the relationship. More recognition, long term plan etc... Popped round last night - and basically we both were sort of sticking to our red lines - I want more, she didnt. That was it - over. Felt rubbish all night and messaged her this morning, was I being to pushy or seeking perfection? She was nice, going back to me being more into here, "when its intimate its good but she goes round the houses to get there" and the killer, "I still worry you are far more into me than me you". "I dont have the same spark you have, I think I want to put myself out there and see if this spark thing is something I can find" Am probably not painting a great relationship but there is a real bond and connection there. We both love each other and would do anything for each other. We just get on so well, rarely argue, have same morals and views, get on with kids, some shared interests but also our own. Is she perfect, no, but there is something there that neither of us can put our fingers on. But she has said this spark thing a number of times - I just think there is not the same one she has had with her two longest relationships. Part of me things she is almost seeking perfection, part of me thinks this is a little hormonal (menopause) as she goes very hot and then very cold at random. One minute she is thinking of longer term plans (only last Thursday she was talking about a weekend away), next it's all distant. It's all good between us, no nasty words, she is away for a few days and I said I would go NC just to let things cool. Knowing me I will send a really soppy message when back and try to get things back on but think its doomed to failure!

You... "got into a marriage"? So was this an arranged marriage by your parents? Because there seems to be no love lost between the two of you - it sounds like you two never loved each other to begin with.

I agree. It's signing on for an eggshell walk 'around' someone else's problems that you can't fix. Catering to that turns them into a bottomless pit. Who wants to live with that?

In my experience when people are interested in having more then a basic workplace friendship they make it very clear that they are interested in having more. What the OP has described is basically someone who is simply a little chatty at work.

The good news is, the term 'self-esteem' is a decision we each get to make about ourSelves. It's not BF-esteem, or date-esteem, or lover-esteem. So nobody else is in charge of giving this to us. We all learn by living, and nobody gets it right all the time. I'd use your decision to say there's no time like the present, and you can now confidently say you'll never view yourself as being at the mercy of anyone else's lousy decisions. This guy can keep that, and you're onto better days ahead. CongrAts!

Starting to do stressful or hurtful things as a way to test your partner's reaction is a recipe for disaster. Not to mention that person might think it gives them peace or validation but to the other person it comes across as just having to manage someone who is losing their marbles all the time and putting you through emotional torment. Just discussing your feelings like an adult is the best way to do it and if someone is "testing your faith" it's probably not a good idea to play their game because the next test will be just around the corner when they feel insecure again.

Everything following this statement says otherwise. You're both married, so conduct yourself as such and let her make an unprofessional ass out of herself if she so desires. Not your monkey, not your circus. Move your focus onto productive things.

If she has had low libido for the last year for psychological and not biological reasons, it would suggest to me that your relationship is effectively done. It may be that it's genuinely a knock-on effect of the stuff she has been through, but that doesnt change the reality that it seems to have put up a wall between you and means she can't be intimate with you any more. The solution is not for you to start sleeping with other women while still being in a relationship. The fact that she is willing to suggest this says to me that really the best solution is for both of you to move on and leave her the space to get through her own stuff in her own time.

Based on what you have mentioned she just sounds extremely chatty but not necessarily overly flirtatious or attempting to come on to people. Some people just enjoy being conversational at the workplace. There was nothing in your post that made it sound like she was asking individuals at the workplace out or attempting to hook-up with them. She just seems very chatty. Something workplace conversations do border on becoming inappropriate for the workplace environment but it doesn't mean they are trying to be flirtatious with anyone. Just means they like to chat while at work. Believe me if she were trying to have sex with anyone at work you would likely know.

I am a Gemini too and none of what you describe has anything to do with her date of birth. She doesn't appear to be flirting with anyone. Why are you so invested in all of their behaviour? It doesn't seem to be connected to you in any way.

I find it very strange that you are so concerned with the behavior of a coworker. She hasn’t been behaving inappropriately with you, has she? Then why are you so obsessed with her potentially flirty behavior with other men? Why the weirdly detailed analysis, complete with astrological mumbo-jumbo?

I am asking myself questions about the meaning of some behaviors and words of a colleague at work. I am wondering if it is pure conversation and a desire to be frienfly or flirting in the romantic sense or flirting for the sake of flirting? As a general presentation, it is a 59-year-old woman, married. In turn, I am married, I am 38 years old, I specify from the very beginning that there is no question of any romantic relationship, either currently or in the past, with the person in question. I am not pursuing any interest of any kind. She is the female colleague with who I work on the same tasks, with who I collaborate best for over 7 years. I myself campaigned alongside the manager at the time for her to join our team, knowing that she is a hardworking person. Below are some situations to give you an idea of her personality (by the way, she is a Gemini): - when we walk in the hallways or in the yard, if she sees a colleague from a distance, she greets him/her and even waves; - she talks a lot about any topic and gets into conversations with colleagues from other departments, asks for details, asks questions in parallel fields that she has no competence or connection to and likes to say that she would be good at those fields here too, getting into a lot of trouble; - she makes repetitive jokes or if she gets fixated on an idea, a phrase, she repeats it for days in a row in various contexts; - when she worked in another department, she would go to other departments to gather information and do her job, an opportunity she used to criticize some of her colleagues and complain that she didn't get along with them; - from the departments where she left, she worked in two more places, she kept arguing with her colleagues whom she criticized throughout the building. - she is not liked or accepted very well by others due to her behaviour. Now, situations that may or may not be flirting: In the past, an unmarried colleague, 5 years younger than her, who made rather inappropriate jokes with almost all his female colleagues, had started to address her as a "little kitten". Totally inappropriate in the work environment. She never said anything to him. Moreover, one morning she told him in the hallway that he seemed asleep and he kissed her on the cheek. She didn't say anything, she laughed a little. Very akward situation for the others. Another time, she was talking to him about various things related to the job and joking, and I noticed that they looked into each other's eyes for a long time in silence. Another young female colleague saw that too and asked me after if our player male colleague knows that our female colleague is married (he knew that because she told her). Another time, without any connection, she told him in the hallway that she was angry with him for not taking her intoaccount, what wasn't true. This male colleague criticized her behind her back and said she was not good at anything and she always came to him to ask for information to do her job. Years passed, there was nothing between them, now she barely speaks to him anymore, finding out how he criticized her to other colleagues. We have a colleague who works in another field, in our office, who is single, has never been married. In addition to the fact that she talks to him a lot and asks him for information about his work, which is not related to her work, she once asked him how old he was and when he said 58 years old she said she thought he was somewhere around 50. This colleague always wears a T-shirt, goes to the gym, has a normal to athletic physique although he does not have prominent biceps. Another colleague, also 60 years old, told her about this colleague that he wears a T-shirt to impress younger colleagues and she commented that she had no concerns about his age. In various circumstances, the person I am talking about said that she is old in her 59 y.o. age, as if expecting compliments from other colleagues that she looked much younger and so on. The others refrained from commenting. Sometimes in situations where she upset me with what she said to me, small things related to daily activity, I withdrew and did not talk to her that day, did I not take her into account? Being a Gemini, this annoys her the most and later told me this that I was uppset on her and didn't talk to her... Reading all of the above, does it seem to you that this is flirting or a desire to communicate and always be the center of attention specific to the Gemini sign?

This is not a relationship that will last. He will never meet that super high standard you want, he’s just a normal guy. you should realise the fact you are incompatible and wasting each other’s time. Your prince has not arrived just yet, be patient.

Hi all, I posted here in September about a man I dated for months who liked me but didn’t want a relationship as he wasn’t 100% sure he wants one. He wanted to stay friends. I was so sad about this and unsure what to do. So, I tried this “friendship”. He came over a few Saturday evenings. Stayed until late in the night. The third Saturday he kissed me and we had sex. I feel so stupid. Because he later said it was the alcohol that lowered his boundaries. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you were right. I went no contact two weeks ago. This dynamic totally ruined my self esteem. I need to feel what I want and need. Any of you also started no contact recently and want to keep each other strong?

I don’t understand what you’re waiting for. Divorce him. Life is too short to waste it on someone who emotionally manipulates you like this.

I'd just have my lawyer send him divorce papers.