All Activity

I’m a 29M and recently came out of a long-term relationship. Something I keep reflecting on is how the hardest part wasn’t even what may or may not have happened — it was the uncertainty. That constant feeling something might be wrong, but not having clarity… it slowly drains your peace, your focus, even your sense of self. Some people say trust blindly. Others say walk away. But I wonder — is not knowing actually the hardest part? For those who’ve been through this, did finding the truth (even if painful) bring peace? Or did uncertainty linger either way? I’m genuinely curious how others deal with this mentally and emotionally.

if they've been friends 20 years and she never slept with him, it's pretty doubtful it's going to happen now 20 years later.

Nobody can put a pin on grief and tell you when it 'should' be over. If you're not in the mood to date, you're just not, and that's not a reflection on your future state. Find other ways to bring focus, interests, and fun into your daily life. Having a few moments of missing someone here and there isn't 'wrong' or bad, even if those moments make you cry. In fact, consider setting some time aside to have some boo-hoos with a tissue box and let yourself have a nice purge of tears and emotions. People who allow themselves to do this tend to feel better rather than carrying around a mild river of misery that they're never willing to address. To heal, place enough goals or rewards in front of yourself to move TOWARD, as this prevents you from getting stuck in stagnation with your past. This doesn't need to be about dating until you are ready, and the way to get ready is to grow into a state of contentment and enjoyment that can be shared WITH dates rather than trying to achieve such a state from dating.

Exactly my thoughts. If you want her to dress up, make plans to go somewhere dressy and sound excited about the opportunity to dress in what YOU will be wearing.

Do you restrict her from swimming in public pools and beaches?

Not everybody is in the mood to start dating right away after a breakup, so I wouldn't treat hers as a transaction that automatically opens her door to you. For all you know, she's still pining for the guy and might even get back with him. Once you extend an invitation to someone, they know your door is open to them. If they ever want to take you up on it, they will let you know.

Cheating is not always about love or a lack of it, so its the wrong question to ask. Just IMO but cheating is a one strike, you're out. It can't be fixed or worked out, if I found out my partner was cheating the only thing I'd be working out is the right way to tell them we're finished.

Yep. You're a grown-up. It's as much on you to vet your sex partners as it is on anyone else.

Not normal. Are you saying you've spent a year without even discussing this? If the communication between you is so stifled that you can't even raise the subject, then your relationship is not very intimate. Or honest. These being your best fertility years, if you have goals of having children, you'll need to decide whether to address this or exit.

Any chance he is secretly taking antidepressants and not telling you? SSRI's (like Zoloft, prozac) are notorious for killing libido. Just a thought. And hey, don't ask a crazy question like this. If you want more sex, stand in wanting more sex. Don't ask if his low libido is "normal."

When you were having sex how was it happening? Was it mutual or was he doing all the work and initiating? If the later, as men get older the libido slows down and when men are doing all the work sooner or later we start feeling unappreciated and like our needs aren't important. I know this was the case in my marriage, so I slowed down the initiation to see if she picked up any slack and she didn't, and that started a spiral.

I think this is a good idea while you sort out what you want to do with all of this. I would not be at all comfortable meeting her and being expected to keep such an enormous secret. It's frankly quite appalling that your boyfriend expected you to do so.

I'm not overlooking it, I just don't know how I want to resolve this, or if I even do, or if it's even possible. I don't think I can meet them when they come to visit, I'll probably stay with my parents and he can field any questions over where I am and why. I just can't look her in the eye. It would destroy me.

Yes they are. I'm not sure what I even want from him. It really sucks when you find your kindred spirit and they let you down like this.

I'd never even met him, I'd seen him in a couple of pictures. It's probably more accurate to say they're ex best friends, not ex in the sense that they're no longer friends but ex in that he has many more closer friends now simply due to distance.

Yep, that is true. I assumed my bf who knows my views on cheating would not have ever let this situation happen. I won't say this is as big as him cheating but he made me be involved in cheating and I hate that. It seems that despite the fact that we've been in a truly successful and communicative somewhat open relationship that there's still room for improvement.

This was a huge lack of communication all around. Your bf should have told you that his friend was married. But on the other hand, why wouldn't you ask some basic questions about the friend before going through with this? If not being a part of cheating is so vitally important to you, why wouldn't you ask if the friend is single, just to check? It sounds like no one brought it up and you just assumed.

you've been together for 6 years, and this is your boyfriend's "best friend"? how could you not know your boyfriend's best friend is married?

No. If she wanted to, she would have contacted you. The ball is in her court after she rejected the date with you.

Okay, we need way more context than this to help. So it's been a year without sex... but you say you've never approached him sexually. How does that work? Are you just sitting there hoping he'll initiate? Or have you tried initiating but got turned down? Sex every day to no sex for a whole year is a massive change. But it sounds like you two haven't even talked about it? Why not? I'd imagine most couples would start having conversations around this after a month of no sex, let alone a year... No it's not normal for people to not have sex for a whole year at your age, unless there's extenuating circumstances that you haven't described here.

My thoughts exactly. Surely your boyfriend knew his best friend is married and has children. That's a huge lie of omission. I of course think the friend is repulsive for making you an unwitting party to his cheating, OP, but I am seriously side-eyeing your boyfriend here as well. His choices and atttiude about all of this are deeply concerning.

Think its fine as long as its all consensual etc. Actually dating has a few more considerations than just hooking up.

Lol have to remember @FredEire is pretty young himself and mostly dates people around his own age so take what he says about the sex lives of people older then him with a grain of salt. In my experience in dating women older then me through much of my adult life many women start complaining about the health issues in men when they are in their 60's plus. Women in their 60's who still want a healthy sex life will usually become interested in younger men not so much because they are wanting casual sex from them but because they still want to have an active lifestyle and many men their own age can no longer keep up with them. Most of the time when women in their 50's and younger date younger men (meaning men who are probably 10 plus years younger) they are usually either looking for a one night stand or are just interested in casual sex with a hot guy that doesn't involve a relationship.

Haha yeah don't get me wrong guys can keep libido high into their old age my point is just that it sometimes starts hitting guys in their 40s who haven't looked after themselves and are heavy smokers, drinkers, crappy diet etc. Even those guys will probably get away with it in their 20s and 30s. It probably is either an issue with attraction as you said or hes got some mental stuff going on in terms of intimacy, which is something he should be disclosing and going through if thats the case.

*cough* 50 year old dude here. Libido high, very high. Higher than in the 30’s *cough* Sadly, I think that the OP’s boyfriend isn’t sexually attracted to her anymore, for whatever reason.