All Activity

I would really urge you think hard about what your definition of "safe" is. You have mentioned this several times yet I see this man are really emotionally unsafe for you. He kept a big part of who he really is from you until just recently, and has been pretty plain in telling you he wants to be able to have sex with other women should the occasion arise. What about that is safe, exactly? My read is this: he knew exactly what he was doing in getting you to fall for him and intentionally didn't say anything utnil he had you where he wanted you, which was where you are now - available to him and still offering the perks of a relationship, but with the knowledge that he isn't monogamous. You're already very into him, he knows it, and wants to continue to keep you around at his convenience, despite knowing how much it hurts and confuses you. In other words? This guy is smooth and I don't think you quite see that yet. I know a man just like him, and your guy has ripped a page right out of the playbook here. I think he is fond of you, yes, but I also think he sensed your big blind spot and plays right into it: sweet words, vague references to marriage and kids, but with the serious disclaimer that he's non-monogamous so you can't get upset if you find out he is dating or having sex with other women because, well, he warned you what he is like. I would actually almost bet the farm he was with someone else during the holidays when you were apart and he realized he needed to be more honest. I don't think he wants to change this, so no, I would absolutely not hold your breath that it will happen. I don't fault hiim for being non-monogamous, to be clear. Plenty of people are not. Where I fault hin is not being honest about this a lot earlier and continuing to tug on your heart strings knowing you are upset. It's the latter that tells me this is not a great guy. The man I know who is like this? He has left a trail of women just like you in his wake. Women who think he is going to change, wants to chamge, is trying to change..until they find out he's been out all night with someone else. I have known this man since we were kids, and all his adult life he has been this way. He's nearly 50 now. The way you describe your man is remarkably similar. When it comes down to it, you are fundamentally incompatible where it really counts. If you want a healthy, thriving and truly safe and secure relationship, honey, this is not where you will find it. Walk away now before your heart and self-worth get blown to smithereens.

Hi everyone. I’m 32F and the man I’m seeing is also 32. I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel very emotionally torn and don’t trust my own judgment right now. I work as a receptionist at a hotel. Not long ago, I came out of a narcissistic relationship that left me deeply heartbroken. We had agreed on building a family together, and I ended up having an abortion after he suddenly changed his mind. That whole experience shattered something in me – especially the part of me that longed to become a mother one day. That’s a story in itself, but it’s important context for where I’m emotionally. One evening at work, a man came down to the reception. I had noticed him before – honestly, everyone had. He was striking: sparkling blue eyes, dark features, and a genuinely beautiful face. We started talking, and later that evening he came back with a small piece of paper in his hand, visibly nervous, and said it was for me. He had written that he would love to invite me out. I said yes, and we went out the next day. At first, his looks caught my attention. But neither of us expected how much we had in common. It felt like meeting a male version of myself, almost like a mirror. We both paint, love the same horror movies, listen to the same music, and the chemistry between us felt intoxicating. On our second date, we kissed for hours without it leading to sex – just music playing in the background, long eye contact, and this feeling of deep intimacy. It felt surprisingly emotional and safe so quickly. We built a strong sense of closeness and safety with each other. I’ve never met a man who shares the same love language as me. He is affectionate, holds me, and surprises me with small, personal, thoughtful gifts that actually mean something. He makes me feel easy to love. We both love traveling, and quite spontaneously we went to Prague together. The weekend felt natural and light, almost cinematic – standing in the metro sharing his music through one pair of headphones, looking at each other like we were in a movie. I felt like we wanted each other equally, and for once, I didn’t feel anxious or worried. He then had to go on a business trip to LA and invited me to join him, but I couldn’t because of work. After that, he was going back to his home country for Christmas. So after only two months of seeing each other, we were facing being apart for about six weeks. Before he left, he sent me this message: “It’s too bad there is no time. Actually, I did want to talk to you. You know when we went to Prague I briefly talked about having a bad year and a bad breakup, etc., and I would just like to tell you more about it. I don’t want to scare you at all – just since we are getting closer to each other, I want to open up a bit more and be transparent. That’s all. But I’d prefer to do that face to face. It’s important to me that there is no miscommunication, and that can quickly happen through text. Again, it sounds serious, it’s not, but I want to make sure to be transparent with you and share what has been going on emotionally in my life before I met you.” Around the same time, there was a smaller but uncomfortable episode that also stuck with me. He got an eye infection and joked that it must have come from going down on me, even though I had no symptoms and there was no medical reason for that conclusion. When I tried to explain that eye infections can come from many everyday sources and that it felt uncomfortable to have my body indirectly blamed, he continued to joke about it instead of really acknowledging how it made me feel. It might sound minor, but it left me feeling a bit objectified and not fully respected in that moment. When we finally saw each other again after six weeks, we were both excited like kids. We had bought Christmas gifts for each other. Coincidentally, we had both bought each other movie posters. I gave him a bracelet, which he put on immediately and even wore to a job interview. He calls me “Tinkerbell” because I’m very petite, and he had bought me a necklace with her, which I found really sweet. The next day, while walking in the forest, he opened up. He told me about two long relationships: one of seven years with a partner who was very depressed and whom he took care of, and another of two years where they lived together. Both relationships were open. He said he doesn’t believe he can be in a monogamous relationship and that he can’t see an attractive woman without wanting to sleep with her. He joked about it in a casual way, and although I laughed along in the moment, something heavy started to build inside me. He told me he wasn’t ready to give “us” a label and that he still wanted the option to sleep with other people. He also said that even if we became official one day, this would likely still be something he would want. When we got back home that day, I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. I opened up about my ex and about the abortion I went through, so he could understand how deeply I long for stability, commitment, and the possibility of having a family one day. He was kind and comforting in that moment. But I didn’t sleep that night. The next day, I told him we needed to talk about all of this. I told him I wished he had shared his views on non-monogamy much earlier – on the first date, the second date, or even in a message before he left for so long. By then, I was already emotionally invested. And even though I was really starting to fall for him, I didn’t see the point in continuing to see each other if we ultimately want very different things in life and in relationships. He started crying and said the thought of losing me hurt him. He said he didn’t expect to meet someone like me and that being with me had made him question his “rules.” He said he is usually lonely even when he is with other people, but that he never feels lonely with me. He said he sleeps best when I’m lying next to him. And I felt the same – waking up in someone’s arms felt safe and grounding. We agreed that we both needed time to think. The following week, we saw each other again, and everything still felt wonderful between us. He told me he had mentioned me to his colleagues, and one of them had even joked that he should marry me because I seemed so sweet. He then asked me about my preferences in rings, which emotionally confused me. Later, we agreed to take a pause. I told him I don’t want to change him, and that I don’t think he would be happy suppressing his needs, only for it to resurface later in a relationship. At the same time, I know I wouldn’t be happy in an open relationship or in something where he agrees to monogamy just for my sake, only for me to get hurt later when we’re deeply in love. Since we agreed to take this pause, he has still been reaching out in ways that confuse me emotionally. He told me he has ordered a small gift for me “so that I won’t forget him.” He has also talked about our plans to go to Italy being moved to next year and told me that I should save some of my vacation days for later this year so we can travel together. He has invited me to join him on a trip to New York and even said that if I went with him, he would “fall completely in love” with me. This is what leaves me deeply confused: on one hand, he says he isn’t ready for a committed, monogamous relationship and wants the option to be with others. On the other hand, he talks about future trips, shared plans, and expresses very intense feelings toward me. It feels like mixed signals, and I don’t know how to emotionally place myself in that dynamic. The idea that he feels a strong need to be with other women scares me. I’m afraid that even if he one day chooses me and says he wants to be with me, it might just be a matter of time before those urges return – especially when everyday life sets in. He told me I am “not the type you just date, but the type you marry.” He said he has never been sure about children before, but that with me he could suddenly see everything. We were both very emotional. He appreciated that I was understanding and told me that there is nothing “wrong” with him. I told him I value that he wants to work on himself and even talk to a psychologist about this. We agreed not to rush into anything and to let it take the time it needs. Still, everything in me wants to continue, to hope that I might be “enough,” because we feel so incredibly compatible and connected. At the same time, I’m trying to stay realistic and honor my own boundaries. I’m proud of myself for stating them clearly and early, but I’m still deeply conflicted. He brought color back into my life. With him, I feel extremely safe and loved, and I can be 100% myself – my weird, creative, emotional self – and he meets me there. But I do not want a future where we meet in swinger clubs, swap partners, or where he says: “If I meet a beautiful woman in a bar and we flirt, I want to follow that through.” I told him that of course I experience desire too, but if there is someone at home who loves me and trusts me, then I choose to say no. So my question is: Do you think people like this can truly change their core needs around monogamy? Or is it more realistic – and healthier for me – to walk away now before I get even more emotionally attached and eventually hurt? Any honest advice or similar experiences would mean a lot to me. Thank you for reading.

Either this is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't. It doesn't appear to be because you're still with him. So what does it buy you to stick around to play detective and monitor the conversations of another adult? Either you're both equal in the relationship and each deserving of trust and peace, or you're appointing yourself as the family dictator who must screen the phone of another adult? You're making your own cage and your own hell. That's on you. Let us know how we can help.

I've never heard anyone advise that blindness and trust somehow go together for any kind of successful outcome. While I've seen lots of suggestions to walk away, they've each addressed a specific context, which you haven't given. If you'd care to elaborate, maybe we can be of more help in that sense. In cases where a relationship is not open and intimate enough for honest communication, which can discuss care and concern between partners who view themselves as being on the same side, rather than as suspicious adversaries who lapse into accusatory confrontations, then that alone speaks of an unhealthy dynamic that doesn't serve anyone. Either a relationship can meet your needs and desires for a shared future, or it cannot. If you find yourself unable to communicate with a partner in ways that help you determine this, then that fact alone tells you your answer, regardless of how trust-worthy a given partner might actually be.

Not knowing what? Truth about what? Unless you provide some details about what happened we can’t say whether trusting or walking away was the best solution in your case.

I’m a 29M and recently came out of a long-term relationship. Something I keep reflecting on is how the hardest part wasn’t even what may or may not have happened — it was the uncertainty. That constant feeling something might be wrong, but not having clarity… it slowly drains your peace, your focus, even your sense of self. Some people say trust blindly. Others say walk away. But I wonder — is not knowing actually the hardest part? For those who’ve been through this, did finding the truth (even if painful) bring peace? Or did uncertainty linger either way? I’m genuinely curious how others deal with this mentally and emotionally.

if they've been friends 20 years and she never slept with him, it's pretty doubtful it's going to happen now 20 years later.

Nobody can put a pin on grief and tell you when it 'should' be over. If you're not in the mood to date, you're just not, and that's not a reflection on your future state. Find other ways to bring focus, interests, and fun into your daily life. Having a few moments of missing someone here and there isn't 'wrong' or bad, even if those moments make you cry. In fact, consider setting some time aside to have some boo-hoos with a tissue box and let yourself have a nice purge of tears and emotions. People who allow themselves to do this tend to feel better rather than carrying around a mild river of misery that they're never willing to address. To heal, place enough goals or rewards in front of yourself to move TOWARD, as this prevents you from getting stuck in stagnation with your past. This doesn't need to be about dating until you are ready, and the way to get ready is to grow into a state of contentment and enjoyment that can be shared WITH dates rather than trying to achieve such a state from dating.

Exactly my thoughts. If you want her to dress up, make plans to go somewhere dressy and sound excited about the opportunity to dress in what YOU will be wearing.

Do you restrict her from swimming in public pools and beaches?

Not everybody is in the mood to start dating right away after a breakup, so I wouldn't treat hers as a transaction that automatically opens her door to you. For all you know, she's still pining for the guy and might even get back with him. Once you extend an invitation to someone, they know your door is open to them. If they ever want to take you up on it, they will let you know.

Cheating is not always about love or a lack of it, so its the wrong question to ask. Just IMO but cheating is a one strike, you're out. It can't be fixed or worked out, if I found out my partner was cheating the only thing I'd be working out is the right way to tell them we're finished.

Yep. You're a grown-up. It's as much on you to vet your sex partners as it is on anyone else.

Not normal. Are you saying you've spent a year without even discussing this? If the communication between you is so stifled that you can't even raise the subject, then your relationship is not very intimate. Or honest. These being your best fertility years, if you have goals of having children, you'll need to decide whether to address this or exit.

Any chance he is secretly taking antidepressants and not telling you? SSRI's (like Zoloft, prozac) are notorious for killing libido. Just a thought. And hey, don't ask a crazy question like this. If you want more sex, stand in wanting more sex. Don't ask if his low libido is "normal."

When you were having sex how was it happening? Was it mutual or was he doing all the work and initiating? If the later, as men get older the libido slows down and when men are doing all the work sooner or later we start feeling unappreciated and like our needs aren't important. I know this was the case in my marriage, so I slowed down the initiation to see if she picked up any slack and she didn't, and that started a spiral.

I think this is a good idea while you sort out what you want to do with all of this. I would not be at all comfortable meeting her and being expected to keep such an enormous secret. It's frankly quite appalling that your boyfriend expected you to do so.

I'm not overlooking it, I just don't know how I want to resolve this, or if I even do, or if it's even possible. I don't think I can meet them when they come to visit, I'll probably stay with my parents and he can field any questions over where I am and why. I just can't look her in the eye. It would destroy me.

Yes they are. I'm not sure what I even want from him. It really sucks when you find your kindred spirit and they let you down like this.

I'd never even met him, I'd seen him in a couple of pictures. It's probably more accurate to say they're ex best friends, not ex in the sense that they're no longer friends but ex in that he has many more closer friends now simply due to distance.

Yep, that is true. I assumed my bf who knows my views on cheating would not have ever let this situation happen. I won't say this is as big as him cheating but he made me be involved in cheating and I hate that. It seems that despite the fact that we've been in a truly successful and communicative somewhat open relationship that there's still room for improvement.

This was a huge lack of communication all around. Your bf should have told you that his friend was married. But on the other hand, why wouldn't you ask some basic questions about the friend before going through with this? If not being a part of cheating is so vitally important to you, why wouldn't you ask if the friend is single, just to check? It sounds like no one brought it up and you just assumed.

you've been together for 6 years, and this is your boyfriend's "best friend"? how could you not know your boyfriend's best friend is married?

No. If she wanted to, she would have contacted you. The ball is in her court after she rejected the date with you.

Okay, we need way more context than this to help. So it's been a year without sex... but you say you've never approached him sexually. How does that work? Are you just sitting there hoping he'll initiate? Or have you tried initiating but got turned down? Sex every day to no sex for a whole year is a massive change. But it sounds like you two haven't even talked about it? Why not? I'd imagine most couples would start having conversations around this after a month of no sex, let alone a year... No it's not normal for people to not have sex for a whole year at your age, unless there's extenuating circumstances that you haven't described here.