All Activity

Hello, I am new here. I am a woman in my mid-twenties and, up until four days ago, was dating a European for just about two years. I will try to make this as short as possible but with all relevant information. We knew each other through an online friend group of musicians. He pursued me, kept reaching out to me, and eventually I caved and we started talking on the phone and video calling. There was instantly a spark, we spoke very frequently, and it was obvious there was interest. I confessed that I had feelings for him around 2 months into talking, but he made it clear that he wasn't sure where he stood romantically with me and did not want to commit to anything before meeting first. We made plans for him to fly to the states so we could meet and go on a 2-week long road trip together and see if we were a good fit romantically. That meet ended extremely well, and it was clear that we were an item even after he left. About four months after dating, he said 'I love you' and things felt serious after this. We continued to meet each other, travel the world together, become enmeshed in each other's families and friend groups. Everyone around us was very happy and it was obvious that our close circles thought that this would be it and we would be together for the long-term. Not only were we a great couple, we were best friends. We had a couple bad arguments, bickered occasionally, but it was never anything that was relationship ending; we are both very stubborn and tend to squabble, but it always gets resolved quickly and we adapted to our small differences, made compromises, and were generally very understanding of what each other needed. The only thing I was ever wary of was his reluctance to talk about our future together, such as possibly getting engaged, but he never had an issue alluding to having children together. He told me he was "afraid of that stuff" which I understood, and backed off from the one time I asked. This might be relevant. As of around a year ago, we made the decision for me to move over to him due to the logistics, such as starting my graduate program there, getting on with many more friends there than I have here in the states, and having a big support group as a whole. My family was happy for me, his family was excited to have me, so much so that they went ahead and bought us a house for us to live in together (they are incredibly wealthy). Both him and I were excited and started the process for me to obtain my visa. Two weeks ago, I received my visa, which was my okay to move. By that point I had already started the moving process at my apartment and, now, really started to move. I got rid of everything: my furniture, my bed, my kitchen wares, my car, everything except for clothes and small hobby items that would fit in three suitcases, which my now ex was happy to help with monetarily. I also shipped two large boxes of very expensive collections to the new house, which was very expensive and covered by me happily. I also went through the process to bring my cat over, which is a bit tedious to do, but everything was going very smoothly and I was set to depart on 12/06. We were excited and talking about what we would do and when, like seeing a movie in theaters, him purchasing a litterbox and other pet supplies, grocery shopping. Despite the talks, I could see that he was not as affectionate as usual, but he said he wasn't sure what I was talking about. I was a bit on edge and stressed from the move, which caused some small bickering from my end, but I was apologetic. On the night of 12/05, 12 hours before I was set to leave, I received a text that said "[I] should not come to Sweden" and to "call as soon as [I] can". When I called him, he sounded upset and as if he were crying, but wouldn't really say anything. I was incredibly anxious and scared, so I asked if he was breaking up with me, and he said yes. We had a short 20 minute phone call where he told me that our "two significant fights" were deal-breaking and that his friends and family said that he should do this, that he would not reconsider, and that I cannot come. He had apparently been "racking [his] brain" about [if we should breakup] for this past week, and was apparently going to wait until I got to the airport but was convinced not to by his parents. To say I was devastated is an understatement. It felt, and still feels, unreal and like a big joke. Not even three hours after, I received an email from a family member that they were voiding the visa and notifying the necessary authorities, and offered me compensation for my travel, which was not a thoughtful amount. I texted him and asked him to please talk it out with me, to reconsider. We texted the following day, the day I was supposed to leave, wherein he told me that he was actually breaking up with me because he "was never in love with me" despite loving me and caring for me deeply. he said he was trying to hoodwink himself the entirety of the relationship, hoping it would go away or fix itself, but it didn't. I tried to contest it, but he wouldn't engage with my rebuttal. I also told him that I don't want his money, but the offer and email was cold and thoughtless. He responded that he would see what he could do and that he would make sure to send the stuff I shipped back. I don't really know what to believe if this is true or if he just got cold feet, but this is probably been the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me. I have been left destitute and without any of my things except for my cat, both of us are now restrained to living in a very tiny room with my large family for the time being, as I am now without funds to move again. I've not heard anything from his parents, not even reaching out to see how I'm doing, which is incredibly surprising and unlike them. My life is ruined at the moment and I am lost, hopeless, and feeling like I have nothing to live for. I want to say I would take him back in a heartbeat, but I know what he did is too cruel to forgive, and I know he won't want me back anyway. I need guidance, advice, or thoughts about this. I do not have a large support group here, but I do have my family. I just want my old life back, but I can never have it again.

Right, tell them no, block them, and preferably don't give your work address (or home address) to a person you barely know. If he does still show up at her work after that, I'd file a police report - they wouldn't do anything about it yet, but it would start a record that could be used for a restraining order eventually if needed. Unfortunately it can be a rough world for a woman, but I don't think that ghosting people helps. E.g. with the dude you mentioned, I doubt a cat emoji would lead to a better outcome than saying no.

I did used to date a girl who said that a guy she met on Bumble started blowing up her phone and telling her he wanted to come and visit her at work, which does sound a bit scary. But while Im not a woman and so dont really know I'd imagine that kind of thing is hopefully rare enough. Even if someone does get weird you can just block them.

I understand this concern if he was there in person and she was afraid of him getting physically aggressive. But she's texting him, he's not physically there. Unless the OP has displayed some really egregious behaviour that has made her wary (and I doubt that), I don't think it's reasonable for a woman to be afraid of gently saying no when the person isn't even physically present. If she is truly so anxious about aggression that she can't say no via text, maybe she should be exploring this with a therapist instead of dating.

From my American perspective even in the absence of toxic family members I feel it is almost always a good thing o9 buy a house and carry a mortgage as long as you handle the payments. So much positive personal development happens when you stand on your own two feet.

Hey, I (m/16) have a question about a girl (f/17) from my sports club. We went ice skating recently with a group of people. A friend of mine was supposed to come along, but he canceled at the last minute, so I went with five girls. The girl in question (let's call her Luise) was with me about 90% of the time. She kept waiting for me, even though she could have gone with her friends. Her friend even asked me later if I liked Luise and said we'd be a good match. After the skating session, Luise messaged me privately to say it was really fun – even though we have a group chat where she could have posted that. Now we're planning to go ice skating again this week. I asked in the group chat who was free, and in the end, basically no one except Luise said yes. I suggested we could go just the two of us since I wanted to go anyway, and she immediately said, "That doesn't bother me." So, we're actually going out together now. I just don't know if I'm reading too much into it or if she might actually be interested. I've never experienced anything like this before, so I'm unsure. My question is: Do these signs sound more like interest to you, or more like normal friendliness? And how would you, as an outsider, interpret it? Thanks so much in advance!

I'd say neither one of you should be seeing each other, even as friends. Seeing him while he wasn't even divorced, leading him on back to you, doing things to really make each other mad, it doesn't sound healthy at all. Not to mention the guy has kids and it's creating a rift between him and them. If you guys no longer see nor talk to each other anymore, and you so happen come across another guy who may just be separated, wait until sometime after the divorce is finalized. I would give it a few months for things to begin to settle down.

Hopefully the productions she was involved in made them get tested before they could do that stuff. Maybe not though.

What is going to work is to relocate, whether it be with a family member or a coworker's couch, it will give you some peace.

Hey guys, so the boss learned that one of the employees was stealing cash from the store register. After that, he usually returned from his errands, went into the office, and while he was at the printer in the room where this person we call the "thief" was also present, rather than confront him directly and say, "Come talk to me, I have something to tell you," or at least resolve the matter, he started telling an anecdote: (He manages offices in multiple locations and has multiple registers in multiple locations) "I was at the Manchester office, and at a certain point I had to leave €400 in cash on Claudio desk, informing him I had to leave for emergency. I told him I'd be right back. When I'd finished the urgent call, I came back and the €400 was gone, so I got furious and said, 'Claudio, we've been colleagues since we're kids, you can't possibly know what happened to the money I left you." He says He lost it or that it probably flew away in the wind. Another anecdote is that they discovered a colleague who was breaking into the department at night to steal things. He was treated the same way, every now and then when he sees him he says, "So? Did you sleep well last night? No, because I don't know what you do at night. You have amazing ideas and you could build a prototype of a spaceship any day now." Now, I repeat, he said this, instead of telling that person directly that he had done something wrong. In this case, what is this technique called? I've noticed that my boss, instead of speaking directly to people, makes up stories about what he wanted to tell them directly, but instead tells them through stories. I don't understand why. A respectable man can't do this. From my point of view, it's pure manipulation.

or should you just wait for the right one to show up some day in the future??

For those of you who had family members contributing to trauma and were still living with them for financial reasons: was leaving home but taking on a mortgage better or worse for your mental health? Is the pressure of a 30-year mortgage, and long-term debt, worth it if it lets you live somewhere separate from your family? I’m curious because moving into a condominium, or choosing the wrong setting, can sometimes re-trigger trauma, either from neighbors, owners, or other local stressors.I’d love to hear your personal experiences and thoughts on balancing financial strain with mental health freedom.

It is clear that every human relationship will have ups and downs. And that these ups and downs differ from disrespect. So, each of us has learned in his life to distinguish between those relationships that are together for sacrifices, well-managed ups and downs, while others, which are completely different, lack of respect, turning a blind eye to obvious red flags, etc. But, at the same time, have you ever wondered if you suffer more after the relationship has ended, therefore, in the absence of that person who showed red flags, or if in reality, you suffer less by remaining in that relationship but managing things better? I could give many examples of relationships of people who stayed together with red flags and lack of respect, and who "left stronger", and at the same time of people who took courage and separated, and yet I see them both suffering a lot. It is as if there was a single solution to the problem, yet there are people who know they have weaknesses (red flags) and who try to manage them, or who, when they fail, immediately apologize for what they have done, aware that they were unable to manage it. Life is made of investments, in this case haven't you also noticed the suffering both among the brave ones who left and the cowards who remained?

Yeah I get this idea. Still I think in reality doing a disappearing act hurts more feelings and if someone flips on you there's always an option to block. Just IMO ghosting has its reasons but its a lousy way of doing things rather than a different comminication style. I've gently called girls out on it in real life in friend groups etc who said stuff like "if a guy is boring me I will just ghost him", and they seemed a bit surprised like they had never even considered it was pretty rude.

Hahaha thats a completely fair take

The by far most illogical thing here was you mistaking a good first impression for some sort of a lifelong connection and seriously considering getting married and having kids with someone you didn’t know long enough or well enough.

Of course, I’d like to have that too, but the reality is that people communicate very differently. You can’t imagine how many times I got frustrated due to being ghosted by a woman. Several times I wanted a second date or sought to turn a one-night stand into something more serious, but instead of clear “yes” or “no” answers all I got was drastically reduced communication or silence. I stopped being frustrated by that when I realized how hard it was for many women to say “no”. As women themselves explained to me, they tend to reduce communication or ghost because they are afraid that a direct “no” would hurt the man’s feelings or make him respond in an aggressive way.

Honestly, I reserve a side-eye for anyone over the age of 14 who uses cat stickers to respond to a message.

Yeah I agree, its pretty rude and childish. And there wasn't really any sign of that before, she was super engaged and seemingly interested, invited me out first, immediately agreed to the Saturday plan initially etc. And I didnt, I pretty much said the day was clearing up with a view to mentioning a time and place when she replied (she usually replies pretty quickly, we live close to eachother and were going to meet locally). Then she suddenly stopped replying and hit me with a cat sticker several hours later lol. I never replied to that. That's what kind of gets me down, this kind of thing seems to be the norm recently when Im dating. I know when someone is just difficult, weird or just not that interested, but it often seems to devolve into that when its all just "green flags" initially. Also yeah the rudeness winds me up. I know Gebidozo is right when he says its all a bit up in the air initially and it shouldn't bother me, but Im honestly not planning marriages after one date, Im just hoping they might be a respectful adult and we could get to know eachother and see where it goes.

I don’t blame you - that would be a dealbreaker for most, she would be better off single with that attitude of not considering your feelings in all of it.

Wow, I actually felt like that was SUPER rude on her part! If she's asked to meet at 4-5pm and you agreed, then cancelling because of "rain" is pretty dodgy. Cancelling and not even bothering to say clearly that it's cancelled or answer texts around the time of the meeting is even worse. Like, I get that she wasn't feeling it, but at least have the decency to say that instead of not responding during a planned meet? That being said, I feel like you really shouldn't have bothered once she made the rain excuse. It shouldn't all be on you to keep pursuing her. She needs to reciprocate after a certain point, otherwise it's just going to be a waste of your time IMO.

If she plans on having a baby she should have a solid way of supporting the baby all on her own while also paying for daycare. but I doubt that - I think that’s mainly what you are there for. you aren’t being very smart if you aren’t wearing a condom every time you have sex with her! this is WHO she IS! The first six months are to reel you in and she was on her best behavior.

It's really unbelievable that anyone could be this dense. I truly hope you don't cause a child to be brought into this messed up situation.

You don't need to "figure out" why she's behaving like this, what you need to do is face reality. For some reason you're having a really hard time doing that. It doesn't matter so much "why" she's being like this. It's not your job to analyze her.

Do you really need us to repeat - yet again - that you didn't know each other that well at that point and most are on their best behaviour so early in a relationship ? It is truly baffling how hard it seems for you to grasp that at your age. She's desperate for a baby. She's not very mature. She doesn't manage her emotions well. It's not a big mystery. Also this. You're a broken record at this point, OP.