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I had one relationship like that. I was 39, she was 19. It’s actually been my longest relationship so far. We stayed together 7 years. But I can say with certainty that the age gap wasn’t a positive factor. It’s not so much the gap itself but the fact she was too young.

It's legal but unlikely to go well. Those are two conpletely different stages in life which usually means a long-term relationship isn't a very realistic prospect.

Is 18 and 38 too much of an age gap or a bad thing?

Thank you for pointing that out. I'm aware of the other extreme, which would be called the neglectful and permissive parenting; the polar opposite of authoritarian parenting. As a married woman of a now 7 month-old baby boy, my husband is on the same page with me on the no physical punishment done to our boy. However, what many people are failing to understand is that no physical punishment doesn't mean no discipline. I hate it when others think discipline is using a belt, shoes, paddles or hands to hit your child as a way to ''teach and correct'' behaviors. I also don't like the other extreme of doing nothing at all. My mother jokingly said to my son ''you're lucky, mommy and daddy aren't ever going to hit you, you can do whatever you want''. I know he's too young to understand the joke, but nope, just because we won't hit doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants in the future. There should still be boundaries, expectations, rules and consequences for negative behaviors. So yeah I hate both extremes. Both hitting kids as ''discipline'' and always spoiling them and doing nothing at all are both extremes.

I disagree. My brother used to have a pretty serious smoking addiction and at one point circumstances forced him to stop smoking completely for almost a month (he was lying on a hospital bed with a badly broken leg). He was very much distracted with other things, unrelated to smoking, and then simply got used to a life where he only smokes in moderation.

You’re raising some deep philosophical and spiritual problems here. “Can you get a decent person without hitting them?” sums up much of human history and religious thought. This is one of the fundamental questions posed by the Bible. The New Testament gives a positive answer: yes, you can. However, we’re still unfortunately very far from the ideal of having evolved to such a degree of ethical freedom that we don’t need any laws or punishment at all in order to be good. So it’s mainly a question of how severe those laws and punishments should be. Obviously, we’re seeing some progress in that aspect. Things like torture and capital punishment sanctioned by authorities were seen as completely normal and necessary for most of human history, but now many of us regard them as atrocities. Personally, I believe that the same applies to the corporal punishment of children. If our goal is to raise obedient servants, then I guess it is an effective method. But if we want to raise free human beings with a real ethical compass and a sense of responsibility, then I don’t think that method would work. To clarify, I’m also quite distressed by the other extreme, when children are getting spoiled and essentially left to themselves. I do believe that children should be punished for bad behavior, I just don’t think they should be hit. Physical pain paralyzes the will, clouds the judgment, and instills fear. What’s important is to make the child truly understand the difference between good and evil, make sure they feel remorse and shame when they do something bad, and take responsibility for that. I don’t think that can ever be achieved by hitting them.

By the certain amount of pain I meant.. time heals breakups . But really that is to say our chemistry is altered and the addiction to the person ends. And my idea is that if time went by but we weren't actively in pain - for example if we drank or otherwise numbed ourselves - we would make no progress. The progress is made in the actual pain of memory.. so if you're playing a video game and not thinking about it, you're not healing Just like if you're distracting with alcohol you won't heal, if you're distracting with anything you don't heal

In my opinion, definitely avoid anything that reminds you of her as much as you can, and definitely distract yourself. Keep yourself busy with video games, podcasts, and anything else that you like. There is no such a thing as having to endure a certain amount of pain in order to feel better later. From my experience, wallowing in negative thoughts and self-pity is one of the worst things a human being can do to themselves.

What exactly am I supposed to do. Am I supposed to talk about it ? I talk about it with my mom a lot but not sure if it helps or hurts, I just feel like talking about it Am I supposed to listen to songs we listened to together ? Or avoid them Do I avoid places we went or purposefully go ? Do I avoid routes that go past her house ? I just want to heal. Should I intentionally try to distract myself with a video game or podcast or something? Or just sit in the pain I feel like I want to move all day and lie in bed all day and cry and scream and I'm sad and mad and confused and idk what's going on I keep thinking she will come back and I'm trying to convince myself she's gone but it's like I haven't accepted it yet My thought process is that I will have to endure a certain amount of pain from the breakup and then I will be better. I feel like if I'm doing something to distract myself I'm not "using up" any of that pain balance I owe. So I'm wasting time. So I should just sit in the constant misery with thoughts of my ex as long as I can tolerate it. What do you think?

I felt disturbed when my grandma explained how her husband (my mom's late stepfater) used to spank my uncle with a belt. According to her, she claims her son is thankful for those spankings because it made him a better person that's not into drugs. He might not be into drugs but I actually noticed some hidden bitterness within him. He doesn't seem happy at all. This is an example of a real statement I've noticed on youtube and I find it very disturbing: "When I was 28 I told my dad “ Thank you for having the guts to give us whippings when we ( my brothers & I ) were being bad or disrespectful. I’m 52 now and I tell some of my younger friends or their kids how my dad took the belt to my ass , as discipline, their eyes get BIG. Love you Mom & DAD THANK YOY" I actually find pity at those that think they deserved getting physically assaulted by the very people that were suppose to dedicate time to really educate and teach you. How can you thank someone that had little to no patience? Anyone can get immediate compliance and obedience by applying physical punishment. I'm not impressed. That takes no challenge at all. Why should anyone be glorifying something that takes no challenge? The real challenge is getting great result without physical punishment, the longer router that takes more time. I don't understand the people giving so much credit to the spankings and yellings they received at home (and no credit given to themselves, credit for the actually good things), claiming that they are professionals with degrees thanks to that. There was a comment that disturbed me too. It was from someone close to my age saying that if you want to raise respect, decent people with professional degrees, good morals and overall great, then spank them as kids. I've received the belt by my father too when I was little and nope, I don't glorifying that. It's so easy to lose patience and use a household object to hit a smaller person. Like seriously? Do you really need to hit kids with belts, paddles, etc to get a decent person?? Can you get a decent person without hitting them? Can someone explain what's up with the glorifying getting frequently hit by parents? What's up with being proud of getting spanked??

I empathize with his mental health problems, but this relationship is very one sided, and you being responsible for the care of the mother of your boyfriend of 1 year is completely insane. Where are your boundaries? Any one of the three of you could and should have said no to this, but somehow you are all enabling each other. Please leave, and please also take a long hard look at why and how you ended up in this situation. Are you the sort of person who feels like they need to be "needed"? There's nothing wrong with helping people, but you need to figure out where to set your boundaries and how to assert them. Otherwise this will just keep happening over and over again. For every one overly-helpful person, there are ten waiting to take advantage of them.

Every post has been spot on.....I ditto that you are being the enabler. this is your wake up call....they are like gypsies....these people pray upon the innocent, and compassion of others. You are naive to their workings on how they have been surviving. They don't want to work a day in their life. This is a generational issue that will never change. You cannot fix this. Yes the depression/anxiety is a contributor for sure...but the way they cope is by bamboozling the good will of others. He's manipulating you with being all sweet and caring...he knows this keeps you around. You are in a terrible situation...you need to walk away. So for the love of god cut them off and disappear. All you are to them is a meal ticket. you are being taken advantage of! Get the F out of there.

My heart goes out to you. His family is rallied around him, as that's where their loyalties lie. Either he came to his own conclusion upon reflection or they vetted it out of him to ensure his future happiness. While the timing is awful, the outcome is also in your best interests. It's hard to see that right now, and your grief is natural. Once you heal, you'll be able to see how going through with this would have landed you in worse misery so far from home. Please feel free to write more, and I hope we can help.

A healthy person would not have entered this relationship in the first place. The point of dating is to learn whether a potential match is good relationship material. This guy was not. That's not going to change. He will agree to change, but he will always have excuses, and he will always be dependent on you for as long as you stay with him. Nobody enjoys breakups, but millions of people do it every day. You don't need a good enough reason. You can simply say the relationship isn't working for you and wish him the best. Move forward to find a better match. Work with a therapist if you have trouble with this.

You should never have started giving him or his family money. That is a complete lack of boundaries and allowing them to take advantage of you. That is not how a healthy relationship works. You need to find your self-respect and stop letting people take advantage of you like this. You use a lot of euphemisms but it sounds like he doesn't work. I don't doubt that this guy is emotionally giving and loving, but if that's all he has to offer then that's not enough. It's really concerning that you have such a lack of boundaries... you never should have let yourself become him and his family's source of financial support. Especially not at just a year of dating. You need to end this relationship and develop way better boundaries for the future.

At this point, you have become his enabler. I don't doubt he has some qualities you are attracted to, but this is way too much enmeshment - especially when you have only been together for a year. He has not shown you he is capable or willing to be an adult, and he lets you cater to him and parent him. This is not loving of him. It is him taking full advantage of you. It is one thing to be there for someone who is going through hard times. It is another to facilitate their stagnation when the person doesn't take the necessary steps to make progress. I personally would be able to respect him at this point, and as such, I would not be able to continue the relationship. I would not sign up to wait around and see if he ever changes.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year. When we met, he had just graduated and was going through a difficult phase in his life. He comes from a financially unstable background: an absent father who provides no support, and a single mother with a very limited and inconsistent income. I’m sharing this only to give context, not to judge. From early on, I noticed a pattern of financial and emotional dependence. He had no stable income, relied on friends to get by, was often in debt, and over time started leaning on me as well. I raised this concern many times, encouraging him to look for work and to build independence. Each time, there would be brief efforts or intentions, but they never lasted. After almost a year, the situation hasn’t meaningfully changed. In parallel, I became deeply involved in supporting his family, especially his mother. I helped financially, cooked, cleaned, assisted with her work, and was present almost daily. I did this out of care and love, not obligation. Over time, however, I started feeling that my help was expected rather than appreciated, and that boundaries were being crossed. When I tried to pull back, I felt guilty and emotionally pulled back in. Emotionally, my boyfriend is affectionate and expressive. He shows love and care, and this is what has kept me invested. At the same time, he struggles with depression, anxiety, and a strong sense of being “stuck.” During the relationship, and especially around our breakup, he placed much of the responsibility for his emotional pain on me. While I acknowledge my flaws, I don’t believe I’m responsible for his mental health or life circumstances. We did break up at one point because he felt he wasn’t able to provide emotionally or financially and said he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship. That period of distance made me reflect deeply. When we reconnected, he came back with a lot of affection and reassurance, but I also realized that the core issues , lack of direction, financial instability, avoidance of responsibility were still there. What I’m struggling with now is this tension: I love him, and his emotions feel genuine, but love hasn’t translated into consistent action or long-term change. I’m afraid of staying in a dynamic where I’m emotionally supportive, financially helpful, and mentally strong for both of us, while he remains comfortable in his stagnation. I’m trying to learn how to keep my warmth without sacrificing my standards, how to support without carrying, and how to love without losing myself. Part of me wants to wait and see who he becomes if he ever gains stability and independence. Another part of me wonders if waiting itself is already a choice that comes at my expense. I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who’ve been in similar situations: how do you know when patience turns into self-abandonment? And how do you decide whether to stay, step back, or walk away when love exists but growth doesn’t seem to follow?

Contact your local hospital's Human Services department for a referral to a social worker who can help you access all available resources, including legal aid. You obviously need a defense against assumed diminishment of your property share, but you also need advisement in terms of your best options for staying versus relocating. Without expert input, you're operating on emotions or assumptions rather than real, objective information. Why insist on doing that? Why not double-check your choices since they bring you disharmony and misery?

Consider substituting a guy friend with whom you have no romantic or sexual attraction. If he treated you this way, regardless of any prior shared intimate conversations, would you still have hung around for 2 hours and still hold hope to continue such an imbalanced friendship? Don't blind yourself with fantasy in the face of an ugly reality. This person takes you for granted, and the best course to take is to walk away. No further conversation will instill respect for you that doesn't exist. You might get 'yessed' if you raise a fuss, but that's just to pacify you to continue your support as a groupie who doesn't require payment for knocking yourself out for nothing. Forget red flags, this was a giant neon sign that says, "Nobody respects a person who does not respect himself." This doesn't require you to engage any drama but rather, to walk away with a valuable lesson about reciprocity as a requirement for every future investment. You are a human being with unique intrinsic value. Unless and until you can view yourself through that lens, nobody else will, either. Head high, and respect yourself. You will thank yourself for this sooner rather than later.

Thank you all so much for your attention and honest replies! I had to take a step back and process it all... We spent hours talking about the difficult experiences in her life and how little support she had. I think I do this, because I would want that kind of attention for myself too. Yes, I see that clearly now. I think I've fallen into the classic trap: "I just have to prove to her how great I am!" I guess I need to learn to be clearer about my feelings, both to myself and others. Deep down I know that it's better to be upfront and communicate openly. To face the rejection and end it immediately, rather than beating around the bush for weeks and hurting each other in the process... But to be completely honest, I sometimes struggle with loneliness and fears. I think that's why I tend to keep quiet, just to maintain some unhealthy connection. Not really... She was at my place one evening to prepare the event, and because it was getting late, she ordered food for both of us. But she never explicitly asked or offered something in return for the help. Surprisingly, she recently texted me. But just to briefly ask if she still owes me money for the things we used at the event. I politely declined and did not continue the conversation either. So that just shows me even more clearly what you all said, this really can't be saved. Firstly, even if I try really hard, I can't turn my feelings off. That's just not how that works. And secondly, she really doesn't care. In my opinion, all she did there was make sure she is in the clear, so I couldn't say she left me with unpaid bills. Admit your mistakes, apologize for hurt feelings and wasted time - who cares, she certainly doesn't!

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately you really do need a lawyer, none of us can tell you exactly what your legal options are. Family law is a vast, complex and state-dependent topic, and with this much at stake I think it would be a bad idea to take legal advice from internet forums. Can you look for lawyers that offer free initial consultations and only take payment if you win your case? Or perhaps one that is willing to help you pro bono?

What a massive jerk. I'm sorry, OP, but that's why it's generally a bad idea to uproot your life for a person you've only known in-person for 2 weeks. If it helps, he and his family sounds so fishy that I think it's probably a GOOD thing that you're finding this out now, rather than when you're already there and dependent on them. You may have dodged a bullet. Well, do you actually WANT to study in Sweden? If you do, and you can finance it (e.g. scholarships), then you should just apply for a student visa and go, but maintain no contact with him. It sounds impossible now, but I promise you that 1 year from now, you'll run into him and you'll barely blink. He'll just be another blip in the past, overshadowed by the new things you are learning and doing, and the new friends you've met. If you don't, then don't go. It sucks that you've already overextended so much financially, but surely some things can be at least partially refunded or changed? Again, he is an incredible piece of turd, but your life is NOT ruined. You are in your twenties, you have all of your life ahead of you. You are in good health, have presumably finished an undergrad program, and you have friends and family who are willing to help you. You'll recover, both emotionally and financially, and you'll be stronger than ever.

It's called the honeymoon phase... it's really really common and most people figure this out in their 20s. It typically takes at least 6-12 months to find out who someone truly is... which is exactly why it's a bad idea to get married when you haven't even been together for a year, by the way. With all due respect, what exactly do you want from us? Your post has managed to elicit a unanimous response from this forum, which is actually quite a rare feat - we don't all usually agree to this extent, yet every single poster has said that you need to leave. But yet here you are, still with her, still presumably having unprotected sex with her... What are you hoping that people will suggest?

The heroin analogy probably doesn’t work here. Maybe the alcohol analogy is better. It is totally possible for a former alcoholic to enjoy a glass of good wine or any other high quality alcohol in moderation. The problem isn’t the alcohol, it’s the addiction.

Funny you say that . I have CBD. I didn't want to take it because I didn't want to drown my emotions and just have worse ones later . I also started taking it during our relationship to help with sleep occasionally and I didn't want to do anything that reminded me of her. I also don't want to impair my mental state and do something foolish like message her The thing is, most of the stuff I like to do is stuff I like to do with my partner .. traveling even little day trips, going to zoos, going to the casino, going on walks in the park, trying new restaurants, watching documentaries and tv shows, going to the mall I can do that stuff alone but it's much more enjoyable with another person I cope now with walking.I usually just walk and walk. Go to the mall and walk around. Go to the grocery store and walk . Go home for a few minutes and realize I can't bear it and then go back to the mall and walk. Go over to my moms house and talk to her a bit while I pace. My life right now is literally just trying to make it through the next 10 minutes at a time, I feel like if I stop moving I'll suffocate on the weight of my pain. It's the most crippling thing I've ever experience. It feels like my heart is constantly wailing and crying and I'm going to drown on my own tears from the inside I don't even feel like an I . I feel like I used to be something and when she left she took it all with her and now my body and mind are broken and I can't talk I can't swallow I can't catch a breath and I can't sleep I can't think , everything I am or was is now broken and I am just a pair of eyes looking down over the pulverized and broken pieces of bone and remains that used to be me. I am nothing anymore, there's nothing in me but regret and agony. I miss her so badly. I always feel sick and like I'll throw up. It feels like my soul and body are dead but my heart didn't stop beating. It feels like I'm buried alive under the pile of my failure and loss and her absence and everything I should've and could've done differently. It's all crushing me and I have to scratch and claw every minute just to get the most insignificant amount of space so that my lungs can grab a tiny amount of air. Just enough to give me enough energy to fight for another small breath I don't want to go on