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Yep. Take it from someone who has dated very un self-aware people, it makes a relationship absolutely impossible. Nobody is perfect, but the key factor isn't how many skeletons there are in your closet but how aware you are that theyre even there and use that awareness to not let them sabotage yourself or your partner. I'm as messed up as anyone, but I'm pretty aware what my tendencies are and I'm working on it!

Short and average looking doesn’t equal unattractive or unsuccessful in romance. I have three friends who’ve had resounding success with women. All three are under 170cm (5.6 feet) tall. Having height preferences is fine. Having strict height requirements is superficial. Women who prefer tall men will still date a short man that they find attractive. Don’t try to date superficial women. It appears that you view dating as a false choice between being ignored online by superficial women and approaching them in public out of the blue. Neither is a good way. You should start meeting women in real life by bonding with them. Meet and communicate with them through shared interests, work, hobbies, common friends and acquaintances. Plenty of women out there are single and interested in having a relationship. When you say they don’t want to be approached, you probably mean they don’t want to be hit on by random strangers in inappropriate places, which is true. But they do want to develop a connection. Which means that you need to offer something to build it on. Make a list of everything you like and everything you think you have to offer to a woman. Then start expanding and deepening your social circles by looking for like-minded people. Look for women who you think would like someone like you.

It sounds a bit too convenient to say it was the only time, don't you think? In addition, she did not use protection and had sex with him in your home and in your bed. She clearly has no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself, then who will?

Indeed. Well said.

I want to add that there are good and bad ways to approach women in real life. If you're at a venue where everyone is being social (pub, party) it's OK to say Hi to a stranger. But if she's going about her daily business, such as shopping, then advances are not so welcome. Also, unless it's specifically a group for singles, don't join MeetUp groups to meet women. They are there for their hobby, not for hitting on.

Quoted for emphasis. This is the way to go about it

Very true, sadly. And, yes, I've been working on this element for years at this point, trying to keep what I can from it (because, at the end of the day, that familiarity does hold some characteristics which I genuinely find attractive), but without the unhealthy bits. As with all trauma, the damage has already been done, so it's all down to how we deal with it moving forward. It all circles back to intentionality and awareness.

Indeed. Over 50% of marriages now statistically end in divorce. So many people, including a good few friends of mine, settle down with people who are entirely unsuited for them out of these attachment dynamics/loneliness/desperation/just ticking a "doing the thing" box. So by actually reflecting and working on it you're ahead of the game!

Just because she seems friendly flirty, doesn't mean she's rolling out the welcome mat.

In terms of height and looks you do what in in your control. Get in shape, short men have more pronounced muscles when they are athletic. Have a skincare routine and groom yourself and dress well. Looks wise that will help you max out your potential. The most important stuff though is getting out there. You have to get over the excuses for not getting out and just do it if want to meet someone. A lot of people on the bar scene are actually looking to meet someone but the tradition is that the guy will approach the girl first. In practice it's not often you'll get a bad reaction and to be honest that's not on you if you went about it in a polite way. If nightlife isn't your thing get some hobbies and devote 4/5 days or nights a week to that. It's not easy to meet someone who's a good fit for you but it isn't just going to drop in your lap while you're sitting at home.

Your words remind me of what a former workmate once told me: "your perfect match is just like you - locked up in her apartment, avoiding people. Good luck finding each other." You're 100% correct. And empyrically so, as, in retrospect, all relationships so far occurred as a result of that vulnerability you mention - the first through trauma bonding, then through just talking about Life Stuff. Didn't end up where I would've wanted them to, but that doesn't change the facts. Yeah, I certainly have to work on this as well. Guess I just have to learn to embrace the suck. Thank you! Sincerely!

Consider building a social life, even a small one. Research meetup.com groups near you to explore some interests and bond with like-minded people over a cause, a hobby, community investment, singles events, or whatever might snowball into a passion for you. Reclusive behavior will only have you living inside your own head. Social connections build healthy bonds that feel worthwhile and are foundational to self-esteem. That's the stuff that can expand into successful dating.

I'm sorry you've gone through this. Would you like to discuss ways to heal and move forward? What steps have you taken in that direction?

Nobody else can prescribe what you're willing to live with or estimate how well you're managing that decision. We can only speak for ourselves, yet how valuable is that if you misuse the information to measure your own choices against it as some kind of guideline to what you 'should' want or do? You're either remaining with your wife because you want to, or you believe that you 'should'. So why not start there, and ask yourself which is truly the case? If you're there because you want to be, then that's your answer. If you want to free yourself from this but remain because you believe you 'should,' then that's a whole different answer to examine.

You're entitled to set your meter at whatever default you choose. You also get to determine whether this allows for the outcomes you want. If you can't raise that setting on your trust-o-meter just enough to offer at least an olive branch of vulnerability to learn whether it's reciprocated, then you'll deny yourself valuable information. Your dynamic will stagnate in a superficial position that won't give you any intuitive readings on that person. It will offer her none on you, either. This is a stalemate. If you won't open your door a crack, you won't inspire connection. So this lack of connection becomes stale, and you're left wondering why sex is the only thing left to be a woman's motive. Meanwhile, she's thinking, "No connection, but he's cute, so we might as well have a roll before I drop off." Exactly. Offer at very least a smidge of it yourself. If you think of dating as a dance rather than a poker match where you reveal zero, then getting your toes stepped on now and then isn't that big of a risk, is it? If you want to move your love life beyond face value pit stops, then offer enough of a human connection to learn whether a given person CAN connect. Otherwise, the topical question of your OP will remain. "Why do most women you date only want sex?" Answer: "Because if you're not willing to offer just enough trust to test a connection, then there can be no connection--so what else beyond sex is in it for them?"

To me, it wouldn’t be a question of forgive or not forgive, but rather whether it is worth to stay together with a partner who has deceived me and who apparently needs to have sex with other men in order to feel better. I’d answer that question in the negative. Life is too short to spend with someone you can’t trust. It’s not about forgiveness. Obviously there is no point in harboring a deep grudge or committing some act of revenge. You can sincerely wish her all the best, break up with her, and then find another partner who wouldn’t cheat on you.

We’ve been together 14 years, married 7. I thought everything was going great, we rarely argued, we go on dates weekly, a weekend away once a month, our sex life was not what it used to be but it was still 7-8 times a week, just missing the adventurousness it used to have. I occasionally have to travel for work, I tried to ring to get picked up from the airport but couldn’t get a hold of her. Walked in to find her getting railed!!!!!! That’s not an exaggeration, they were mid session, it was full on. To stand outside your own bedroom door and hear your wife scream to someone else to cum inside her is horrific. But the absolute worst part was after I went in, even after she looked up and saw me standing there I’d say it was still maybe 20 seconds before she stopped. I was like WTF, don’t you care before it even registered to her that I was really there. The guy was her PT. I told him to f**k off and never come back again and I told her to clean herself up and come out and see me. I told he I don’t want any excuses, all I want to know is how long. The answer was that that was the first and only time. I didn’t believe that. To me it was too full on to be a brand new thing. She begged forgiveness. She’s since done a lie detector test. I had to do an STD test as she didn’t use condoms, all clear there. She opened up her emails, social medias, phone etc to me. Nothing contradicts what she said. We’ve been seeing a counselor for 4 months now and it’s got to stage where I feel I need to either commit to forgiving or move on. I want to forgive but I don’t know whether I have that strength inside me. Most parts are relatively good but I just randomly have flashbacks. Like the other day we went for a walk and walked passed a random PT session and I instantly felt angry and sad. I’ve tried to call her a few times with no answer and of course, flashbacks of the last time she didn’t answer. Sex is ok, almost back to normal but as soon as she gets into that same position I caught them in I just lose it, instantly soft, no coming back. We can never again do it that way. So is it too soon? Do I still need to give it more time? Is it long enough and the signs aren’t good? I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to wait indefinitely for me to make up my mind.

I use a 0-to-10 scale and start at -1:)) I know this is a problem in terms of developing meaningful connections, but I see so many reasons to distrust the average human being nowadays. So many dangerous mentalities have shown themselves to not only still be alive, but even widespread and more intense than one would expect this far into the XXIst century. And hey pop up where one least expects them, they're exceedingly unpredictable, especially since critical thinking seems to be mostly dead now. But this is a discussion for a different time. To get back to the subject at hand, I fully agree that trust should be earned and not freely given. The only thing which should be given is the opportunity to earn trust. I think that's what I need to figure out, as I don't know if waiting for people to show themselves as trustworthy by themselves is conducive to establishing connection.

Unfortunately, I have first-hand experience with that "safe" familiarity, so I know exactly what you mean. That used to be my target early on, when replicating patterns from my early years. Took a lllot of work to first see it for what it is, then recalibrate. Work which, unfortunately, many people don't even start...

This was foolish on her part. She should have just stayed away. Okay, so, there's your closure. She explained she was pregnant and said goodbye.

Just a tip.- you will get more responses if your break up that wall of text into reader-friendly paragraphs.

Hi my name is Jennifer and I was married exactly 25 yrs. Always trusted him. I don’t know where to start. He started acting weird with his phone after we had been married 18 yrs. So I decided I would investigate and I found out a lot. To make this shorter he worked out of town a lot and I found that’s when he started cheating on me. He was going on hookup sites. I saw his Google everything. Like g. maps, g. meet, g. chat, his g. calendar, his emails. I went online and found he was on over a dozen social media apps. He has WhatsApp, g. Groups. , discord, And calendar has a booking page. I confronted him with this and he denied everything. This continued another 4 years. He kept saying he had to have been hacked. Someone is hacking you for a decade? Who would do that and who has the time to do that? And why? Never believed that story I said I’m not dumb and I know hookup sites are. I mean he could go to the store and take to long but be hooking up with someone really fast. The booking page are for 15 min intervals. When out of town I followed him his whole day on maps by looking at his phone. I saw what he googled. Looking for women near him. He didn’t call them women though. That’s the name he used to google. Anyways the day would go by he would work and call me saying I love you and I miss you. More than one time that phone was shut off all night. and you would see him leave his nice hotel and go to skeezy hotels for about 45 mins. He works with other guys so he prob didn’t want them to see someone going To his room. This became so bad that towards the end we were having money problems. Money missing. And I know a lot of these girls u pay. Another time he worked nights and would say I’m working a couple hours longer so instead of getting home at 6 am it was 8 am. There were no extra hours on the paycheck. He started blocking me every night and turned off the family 360. Saying there was no reception here where he works. Ive seen dirty text messages with an ex gf two separate occasions. He has looked up all his ex gfs. I also noticed he was calling a # over and over again while out of town so I called it and it turned to be the receptionist at his hotel. She tells me he was hitting on her. He said he wasn’t married and kept inviting me to get naked in his bed. I’ve also heard around town that hes asked women that I knew if they wanted to hook up sometime. He always had #s of women we knew in town. I was always like I don’t ask men around town for their numbers. You don’t act married. We would go out and he would ignore me. He left a party once with a girl to get her cigs. And it took awhile. Now as a married woman I know that is not something u do when u are married. He would flirt in front of me. So many things. So I got to the point and said of you don’t take your phone to apple and find out what’s going on. (Cuz this whole time I kept saying fix it then) I said go to Apple right now or our marriage over. That day he walked out and never looked back. We have two kids. Older. Our youngest is in HS. He hasn’t been around to witness any of His hs days. He worked nights his freshman year. So he would come home onto sleep wake up and go to work. Then he left. Sophomore year over and now junior year half way over. Didn’t come to one baseball HS game. He’s missed everything . His daughter with her career. He didn’t call her on her 21 st. He lives at his parents house. I could ride my bike there. He has seen his son approx 5 times with maybe 2 quality times together . And now it’s been over a year since he’s seen them. I just turned 53 and he’s turning 54 in a week. and he’s dating a girl that just turned 28 and she has a 9 year old son. He moved in with her maybe10 mins away and her son too. She kicked him out eventually so he’s back at his moms. She’s only 5 years older than my daughter same age as our nieces. I don’t think he’s with her anymore.. He’s denied everything and says I’m crazy. Your making this up. Now if this happened to me I would of walked into apple and said I’ve been hacked and this is destroying my marriage. Not once did he get mad at the so called hacker. We have been separated since 01/26/2024. I didn’t file until 08-12-2024. And he says whatttt you filed? Oh you think it’s going to be easy without me? I’ll show you. I’m going to make you regret that decision and make your life miserable. Here’s the thing I’m a stay at home mom and then at 44 I was in kidney failure, born with Alport syndrome.my sister had hers 12 years ago. And no my 28 yr old nephew is set for one more week. At 6%. I feel so bad. I have one oleeer from previous so I have 3 none of them got it. So I lasted all the way to 8% and received a kidney in 2021. But has never worked to its potential and I am almost at stage 5 again. This time will prob need dialysis.its a long wait here 5-7 yr wait. I also have a blood disease. Too many RBC’s accumulate making my blood thick. They found a clot when they went in for transplant and said it would of hit my brain soon gone in a second.and how lucky was I that I had had that transplant then. My husband cried like a baby I could of died. Maybe that’s why he was crying cuz I didn’t lol no it was sincere. Everything changed after my kidney started failing. My grandfather and his mother both died of it. No cure just have to get phlebotomies. So my point is I had no source of $ coming in. I waited 8 months until I said I need the courts to help me. Right after I told him I filed he silenced me. Blocked me from everything. Still two years later it’s like that. Our divorce should be final soon. Hes done so many horrible things to me and his children while he’s been gone. I got to see his bank accounts for that year. He was already on dating sites one month after he left. He made $150k I added things up. The only bills he had was a car payment, insurance and cell phone. He spent $9,000 restaurants, food, take out. Bars, $2500, jewelry thousands, perfume store $2,300 and so on and so on. I’m so hurt I’m so depressed. While he was living it up we were starving. Why was I faithful for 25 years? I feel like what was all this for? I would say our first 13 years were fantastic. It’s when I got sick and I was so tired he got bored and wandered but still had sex with me.and he absolutely became addicted to the internet, chat sites, porn, and meeting up. He has an addictive personality. There’s so much more but I’ll end it here. I have so much anger and resentment towards him. . He went out of town leaving me with two kids that were young, 3 dogs, the house, the lawn. Everything was well taken care of. Driving my kids to there after school sports. Games by myself. And he’s off doing that? Me and the kids would miss him so much we would make posters because he would be gone 3 weeks out of the month. I am 53 years old now. I’m sick. And he’s just moved on. He’s never called once upset or that he was having a bad day. Or missing the kids. This has been all about him. I honestly think he’s just trying to start a whole new life. I can’t get over the fact that he ignores me. He gave every indication he wasn’t coming back and after I saw what he spent last year are u kidding. He’s just trying to blame everything on me. But everything has eaten me up inside. I feel I won’t find another love in this life time. I think I just wanted to tell my story most of all. He’s even threatened to leave the state so he doesn’t have to pay alimony. Like disappear. They will find him. Not worried about that but I have it saved in a text. Thanks for listening anyone that has advice would love to hear it. Thank you!! Jennifer

I view trust as something to be earned, not offered. I start everyone on a neutral 5 on my trust-o-meter. I observe behaviors over time, and this informs me whether to add more trust or withdraw it. If I find myself withdrawing it, I don't stick around.

It may be no mystery that many women seem to have height requirements when it comes to the men that they date, so I may have preferences when it comes to how a man looks as well. So if I am a man who isn't tall and, when it comes to overall attractiveness, it's up for debate (perhaps average?), a lot of people say that dating apps aren't good for such men because it causes people to be immediately judged by superficial metrics. However, I'm not really a fan of approaching women in real life either because a lot of women don't want men talking to them, at least if they don't know them and/or don't immediately find those men attractive, and I don't even get out that much anyway, especially when it's cold. Where I work there aren't that many dating prospects so, for men who just work and go home and who might not be successful on dating apps due to the superficiality of them, what are they supposed to do?

Good to hear, that's what I'm here to try and do! Most likely you are going to attract the wrong kind of people, too, if you are actually looking for a relationship, since women who always go for the funny entertainer types are probably not that comfortable with intimacy themselves. What I've learned about attachment patterns is that we are most drawn to people who seem "safe", even if thats not conducive to a relationship or even safe in a practical sense. In the most extreme forms you see people who suffered violence as a child end up with a string of physically abusive partners. In a practical sense it's the furthest thing from safe, but since it's what they're used to it's safe in the sense it's something familiar so more "comfortable" in an emotional sense.