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That's where the manipulative part comes in. He keeps on postponing it to some undefined point in the future, and you keep the hope alive because he's not saying no. But that point never comes. In fact, it will never come because he's not actually doing anything concrete to make it happen. You ask how much longer you are supposed to wait. Wait as long as you want to, but take ownership of the choice. Don't turn around and blame him for your choice to ultimately spend 20 years (or however many years it ends up being) waiting. Remember: no one's holding a gun to your head. The only thing keeping you in place right now is your choice to continue hoping and waiting. You also seemingly subscribe to the notion that doing right by yourself would be a betrayal of him. So you've pretty much guilt-tripped yourself into sacrificing your own preferences, hopes, and desires. That's why I gently suggest that, in your laser focus on him and his issues, you are choosing to neglect your own. You need to work on rebuilding your self-esteem so that you stop putting yourself last.

I see… I didn’t think of this because both my partner and I can’t stand birthday celebrations. Also because we are horrified by large gatherings of people. But of course people are different. Refusing to meet partner’s friends is indeed a bit strange. But I definitely prefer to separate friend meetings with partner meetings. When friends meet they want to talk about their stuff, so I’d never volunteer to intrude on that time, and would definitely feel uncomfortable if someone does it to me. That’s the thing, I don’t quite understand. Sure, family it’s important. But it’s not that he doesn’t let the OP have quality family time with her relatives. I mean, I agree that his refusal to meet her parents is a bit weird, but I find it hard to see it as a dealbreaker. It’s his personal decision that doesn’t infringe on the OP’s life.

I had a fabulous Christmas with friends. They came around to my place and we spent the afternoon around the pool drinking ice cold beers and vodka cocktails, and we lunched like kings on huge BBQ'ed prawns, mud crab, Moreton Bay bugs, and exotic salads, and there was a good old diabetes-inducing Aussie pavlova for dessert, decorated with the one and only mango that my sorry-assed mango tree produced this year. Our family hasn't spent Christmas together for decades, unfortunately this is usually what happens when you get saddled with a family of kooks, but on the bright side, Christmas with close friends is a great way to spend it . Merry Christmas to you, it will get better

Sorry. Thanks for that. I have taken your earlier advice and reached out to a professional, just waiting to hear back when they can fit me in. The anger I'm holding is scary. I'd consider myself a passive man but the number of times I've lashed out lately is just wrong. I yelled at some poor girl yesterday because the register scanned the wrong price. I felt so guilty once I was in the car. I went back and apologized but the damage is done. I am not that person. I just have to be better. I need a release. I need to get back in the gym. I need to work so I don't think about life. I need good people around me. I guess I just need to write off my past and start again.

She doesn't sound interested in you at all. Stuff like not making the effort at Christmas to get a small gift for her boyfriend when you had done so for her or even spend time with you imo is shitty. Why would you want to be with and make the effort for someone who won't even make the smallest effort for you? I think its cowardly and selfish of her not to call it quits, so you should be the one to do so.

Well, for one thing, she could celebrate her birthday with all of the people who matter the most to her in one room, instead of one person or the other always being missing. It's like a partner who refuses to meet any of your friends - for the rest of your life you will have to decide if you want your friends present or your partner present for all your social events. Not a nice choice to have to make, especially on a permanent basis. But at the end of the day it just depends on the person and how important it is to them. Family is important to the OP, so surely you can understand why this would be a dealbreaker to her.

No, I'm sorry to say, she's just not big on you or your relationship. You perceive correctly that this is one-sided. She likes you when it's convenient for her, but I don't think a new job is the only new thing she's seeking.

I agree. It's up to you to decide whether you want to take on the role of a rehab specialist for someone who is unwilling to help himself, or whether this particular issue represents a continual slew of issues you've been willing to overlook but are now recognizing as unsustainable for you and the future you envision for yourself. Either you want to stay and cater this man, or you want to offer him some options for doing the work to prevent his problems from snowballing, or you want a healthy partner who can offer you a future that aligns with what you want for your Self. This guy is not likely to ever give you what you want, so it's up to you to decide how much of your own future you are willing to drop in terms of expectations, or how much of a healthy future you are willing to pursue without him.

I fail to see how she loves you. Maybe at the beginning she was excited to be with you but that has gone out the door. This relationship isn't viable anymore. You survive on the crumbs she's willing to drop here and there, It's time to end this and start a new chapter without her in 2026.

Dude, telling a story about your struggles with family does NOT ruin my day in the least.

First off, Merry Christmas all. Secondly... tough? It's got worse and I'm absolutely done with all of them. I have no interest in being part of this perverted group of people any longer. I've just seen some Christmas happy snaps and they did all end up having Christmas together. It's unimaginable. I sort of feel sorry for my Dad and for my ex mates wife but even they were there all lovey dovey with big smiles as if this was just a normal Christmas. It's just weird. Mom and my ex mate can seriously get stuffed. There's something broken in them. There is actually a picture of them kissing with my Dad on one side next to Mom and my ex mates wife on the other side next to him, SMILING!!! while them two kiss !!!!! And that's how they announced it to all their friends of Facebook. It's now public. How humiliating for my Dad and my ex mates wife but they chose this so they can live with it. I'm not going back. I'm going to actually quit my job, sell my place and find a place to stay and another job here. My ex-gf is still here and says she wants to stay and who knows, maybe we can work out what went wrong, she certainly wants to. For now I just appreciate her company. Sorry to ruin everybody's Christmas with this gross stuff but sometimes I need to vent and typing things out is more cathartic than spewing it out to my ex. Hopefully there's some good news coming soon, I can't handle much more of this.

I don’t know whether she is interested and, being a man, I don’t know how exactly she might have perceived your offer. I can only say that I would never take a female friend on a trip where we stay in the same hotel room. I would also never talk with a female friend with so much sexual innuendo, mentioning her underwear or suggesting she have an erotic encounter with someone. In short, regardless of what she thinks, I think that you shouldn’t go on such trips and talk like that with a woman unless you’re interested in her romantically. If the genders were reversed, if a woman asked me to go with her on a trip with a shared hotel room, inquire me about my underwear, and suggest I hook up with some women, 100% I’ll think that the woman is interested in me romantically.

Is my female best friend, sexually attracted to me? Need a womans point of view if possible Right. Hello everybody. I have been friends with this girl for 10 years at least. She has been always into lasting relationships, I on the other hand I'm not into commitments and into wild erotic life. We knew each others datings. A couple of years ago, she sent me a quite spicy selfie, which I did shout at her to cut it off... She doesn't deserve this, she will fall to low if she has erotic moments with me, she'll end up just another hourly woman in my life..... So things went back to normal untill recently... I did a couple of sidejobs in the summer and I ended up with a nice amount of money. So I decided to take her with me for a week in Italy, fully paid by me. Hotel, room, food, roadtrips etc, as a thank you for being such a wonderful friend in all my low moments and hard times in this 10 years. But due to respect, I booked two seperate beds and I asked her, look, we are adults... A couple of days ago we met to discuss my plans... At some point I said look.... There is something I haven't thought off.... We are adults and hormones are hormones.... We are going for one week in the same room... It's better if we avoid trickering each other.. I propose you bring underware I don't like.... She said no, she will bring the underwear she likes (Which are quite spicy).... I didn't said anything, but I will buy some for her (The ones I don't like and when we get there find a way for her to wear those)... Then I said, when was the last time you had erotic encounters, she said months ago, so I said look... You really need to have an erotic encounter before we go. She asked will you? I said yeah, I am flirting with 3 women, 2 of them we did arrange to meet and hook up before we go. She said, I don't know if I will. I am not talking to someone interesting enough. I said, ok, then when you go to Italy, when you see someone you like, it's ok with me to take him back to the hotel room, have intimate moments with the guy, I will just walk around the city till you are done (She has a fantasy hooking up with a latin lover). She said, I can't do that to you.... I said, it's a dangerous path you know, let's not go into that. I'm going to have hookups in a few days and you should do too.... She didn't said anything, she just stood up, lift her skirt up to her waste, she showed me her stockings which had fur and asked me if I thought that it would keep her warm, as in Italy when we will go, it will be really cold... I just said it's fine, but I need to go so I left... That's the story. I'm I wrong or is she really interested of hooking up with me when we get to Italy

It’s not usually a wise decision to “date” another man’s wife. That decision can lead to nothing but heartache… and for that reason, I would say that for your sake, I hope she doesn’t come back. It’s time for you to accept the fact that this was but one chapter in your life… best to turn the page and move on…

It sounds like she is very checked out of the relationship, has lost interest in you in a major way, and just doesn't know how to be honest with you about that. So she keeps going through the motions of the relationship even though she is very clearly pulling away. You shouldn't let this drag out. If you are the only one putting in effort then you shouldn't continue this.

I started seeing my affair partner around June this year. We worked together for a year prior and there was always attraction. I knew of her situation and she knew of mine so we never did anything but flirt. Her husband lives in another country and they have been together for 5 years. They married shortly after they had a child. The father has never lived in this country. She would go for a couple weeks out of the year and see him, but mostly she raised the child alone. A month after she got back from seeing him, we started flirting more and she started to push it further. We both didn’t really know what we were getting into, but we talked about exploring and what we felt comfortable with. Slowly we opened up till we were pretty much dating. Spending everyday together. I expressed in the beginning that I didn’t want to make her life complicated and didn’t want her to do things if she didn’t feel comfortable. I told her before we got to close if you never wanted to go further let me know so we can part ways. She told me repeatedly this is what she wanted. Over the next 4 months we spend many days together. Talking over the phone up to 10 times per day. She even brought her child around me. I went to the park with them multiple times. We all went out to dinner many times. I even dropped him off at school with her. She expressed multiple times she wanted to leave her husband for me. We discussed it multiple times. She discussed a future with me. Even asked if I would ever be ok with marrying her eventually after her getting a divorce. She talked about future plans for vacations. When we initially started dating she told me her husband was working on coming to this country and she still wanted him too. Not to be with him, but to be apart of her child’s life. It worried me, but I couldn’t fault her for that. Over the months she made me apart of her everyday. Told me she loved me everytime we got off the phone. Because of the situation I never felt safe or comfortable and we started fighting a bit over my insecurities. She never left during any arguments and always worked through everything. If I was uncomfortable she would call me and talk to me till I felt better. She wouldn’t let me help finically with her child’s life. She paid for half of the dinners cause she wouldn’t let me pay always and bought me gifts occasionally if I told her there was something I was looking forward too. Towards the end she started to feel the fighting was a lot cause of my anxiety, and she was starting to feel like we wouldn’t break the fighting cycle. I started therapy and anxiety medication and started to feel better. We were talking through things and communication never stopped. She still called me multiple times per day and face timed as well. Every morning on the way to work and every night before bed. The night before on thanksgiving she called me and told me she loved me. She had a night mare and called me during sleep and I talked to her till she fell back asleep. The next morning she said happy thanksgiving I hope you have a great day . Then an hour later I she messaged me she couldn’t do it anymore and she wanted to be alone. I tried calling her and supporting her, but she was so shut down saying she got in a fight with her family member wouldn’t talk about anything and claimed she wanted to focus on her and her child. I gave her some space and tried coming back many times and each time she got more frustrated. Said she was confused but wanted to be left alone. That she was depressed and needed to focus on herself. We have stopped talking and I found out her husband is coming over here. That’s why she backed away. I told her if she wanted to focus on herself marriage that’s all she had to tell me. I want her to be happy and she didn’t have to act like I never mattered. She said she didn’t know how things with her husband were going to be when he got here. That she had to see how it was going to go. Didn’t know if she wanted me in her life anymore. Said it was unfair to hold on to me while she was so unsure. She asked for time to figure things out. I’m so scared I’ll never hear from her again. I want her to be happy, but I’m worried she won’t be. I know it’s her choice and I have to let her go, but I love her so much. I do just want her to be happy and if that would make her happy I’ll let go, but I feel like she feels stuck cause it’s the kids father. She hasn’t blocked me and answers if I reach out, but it causes her a lot of stress, so I’ve gone no contact. We talked everyday for months multiple times per day and I’m so scared she will never talk to me again. Do you think she will reach out? Will she even be happy in her marriage after not seeing him for so long and being with me during that time period? She’s also not going to tell her husband what happened so whatever was a problem that made her do what she did is going to be lingering. I asked her if she didn’t have feelings for me anymore, if she wanted to work on her marriage, or find someone new and she just said I would be lying if I told you I didn’t love you. I’m in so much pain. I think about her everyday.

Sometimes the path to freedom is to burn every single bridge. Not leaving a tiny door open. Not believing that things will be different one day. It won’t. Never think that merry Christmas email or text means a damn thing it doesn’t not to them. I have a lot of guilt about telling his wife via email. I would not have if he had ever taken accountability or responsibility for our fair. It was all on me he couldn’t resist me. My emotions? Oh that was all on me. He couldn’t deal with my emotions. It’s a long story, but it’s a sad story about two people. Don’t make your story sad please don’t make your story learning experience and a very hard one

If anybody out there is even considering an affair with someone involved in a marriage or a significant other… Don’t do it. These things never work out well. We are trying to fulfill something lacking inside ourselves. That is the true thing that needs to be examined. Sometimes affairs are a trauma bond. Sometimes your puzzle pieces matches the person you’re having an affair with. It’s only when you go through a very dark and dismal night of the soul that you understand that there is something you really need to heal inside yourself. And it might take decades, because I am 70 now, and I finally understand why I get involved with relationships that are chaotic. I told my married man when I met him that he reminded me of my father. That was so prophetic. He was emotionally unavailable. He could not supply any emotional support. I was correct all along with my intuition not just about me about him as well. His childhood traumas. So pause and look at yourself that’s all I can say why did you do this? Why did you attract this? it’s been a long row to hoe for me. And I did tell my MM in the end that is painful as it was it taught me what I needed to examine within me. I also said to him, you might need to do the same.

Thread has been closed as the question has been exhausted

My girlfriend won't really take pictures with me anymore nor will she send me pictures of herself. She's sometimes anxious and camera shy but she has no problem taking selfies when she's bored. I'm sure she doesn't send pictures to anybody else but then again, she doesn't really want me going through her phone. Meanwhile, I have nothing to hide and let her go through my phone anytime she wants. She says she is ready to move in with me but she keeps changing her plan to do so. Her reasoning is that she wants to wait until she finds a job in NY before she leaves Jersey to move in with me. Noble; I have no problem with that. She hasn't had much luck finding a job yet though; so changes her mind and wanted to wait until Christmas to get her Christmas bonus. Then changed to wanting to put her 2 weeks notice in January so she gets paid for her days off for the holiday. Now, she doesn't want to even leave at all until she finds a job ahead of time. We've been together almost 2 years at this point. For Christmas, she woke up, wanted breakfast, wanted her gifts, wanted to look up things that she wants to do for our upcoming trip in the summer, and then she left. No gifts for me. She said she ordered them late and they're in the mail. Which is fine, I could care less about gifts. All I wanted for Christmas was her and this time, I couldn't even have that. On top of that, she joked and said I can unwrap her for Christmas and when I went to do so, she said no thank you. Felt like a major tease. Which also reminded me of my birthday. She had work until 6 pm. I killed time in Jersey for several hours while waiting for her to get off work. There wound up being massive traffic and she was stuck in a traffic jam. By 8 pm, she said she was tired and didn't want to meet up and said I should just go home. I understood she was frustrated and said I had no problem waiting and I was fine just ordering a pizza and relaxing at her place for a bit but I wanted to see her for my birthday. She still wasn't having it and insisted that I go home. I think she's just not big on holiday celebrations. It's just another day to her. Which is fine; I'm fairly similar in that way. But her birthday and the holiday for her is definitely more important to her. She does like receiving gifts. So then shouldn't it be reciprocated? Is it me? Am I overthinking things too much? I feel like this relationship has gotten pretty one sided; I put in so much effort to make her happy. I know she loves me and she appreciates me but lately, I feel like it's not enough. I admit, I'm the more emotional one in the relationship and she's never going to reciprocate the feelings like I do. My bed feels empty when she's not here. She doesn't seem to feel that way and I've grown to accept it even though I don't want to. She has said she misses me too and feels the same way but she doesn't seem to have a hard time skipping weekends together so I'm not sure how much I believe it. A few weeks ago, I wanted to meet with a few friends for a card game (which we do maybe once a year) on a Friday night so instead of her coming Saturday morning, she decided to skip seeing me the whole weekend. I try to be as understanding and supportive as I can because I am not the type of man to be controlling or forceful ... But I don't think I should be feeling empty either. We've been together almost 2 years. Am I rushing things or am I taking too long to do something about it?

Both my adult daughters don't want kids or marriage, it has nothing to do with meeting me or not. l want to know the men in my daughters lives and l want my daughters with their partners in my life. For a lot of people family matters. My daughters boyfriend are family to me, l matter to them, they matter to me. I know if l'm in trouble they are 1 phone call away. Maybe OP is a bit like me and family matters.

I feel there needs to be more honest discussions with him to share your feelings. Maybe force the hand a little bit and get him to go out more with you where there will be people, light crowds, fun activities. Nice time to go ice skating, see the festive lights, Christmas market etc. The less he does the more this will get worse for him. He needs to get off his butt and do stuff...even if it's just a walk through the mall or a park.

You really don't understand women. Inventing statistics doesn't help your case. The fact that you admit you have a problem doesn't make you a more desirable dating candidate. It's the addicton in and of itself, which I am surprised you don't already understand. Finding a woman who loves to cook is the least of the challenges ahead for you.

Sorry this has happened, OP. Your thread tittle is a bit misleading, though. This man wasn't only cheating with software (which is lame enough as an adult) He was on real dating apps with real women, too. I have a feeling you haven't yet accepted what he's done and are somewhat misleading yourself about the the gravity of this. But you weren't. It was an illusion. He was disespecting you throughout the relationship by going behind your back, and it wasn't just with AI. And it isn't an "incident" - it was a pattern of bad behaviour. An incident suggests it was isolated, but it wasn't. This man has been lying to you for a long time. Don't be fooled. He's lacked respect for you all along or he wouldn't have been doing this in the first place. One day when you're past the sting, you will wonder why you wanted this man to fight for you. He is sub-standard. You can do a lot better than this but you currently lack the life experience to believe that. This isn't and never was the one for you. You are going to better off without this headache in your life. Find a man who values you and isn't shopping for other women outside the relationship.

When you have to work this hard to get your boyfriend of 3 years to even consider meeting your parents, I think there is a much bigger and pinker elephanti n the room that is not being addressed.