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I can't and I won't let them ruin this for me but it's so hard to even say I would never see them again. I don't like the way they bastardize faith to be judgmental but they are still my family and I love them.

The question is not "to forgive" or "not to forgive." The question is, can you forget and accept betrayal and AP? Everyone answers it in their own way. I can not. And all the betrayed partners I know can't, no matter what they say or write. They can't until they die. It's just that if you leave, it's easier to move on and heal as much as possible. Below is one relevant quote. These are not my words, but the words of one redditor, tho I am ready to subscribe to each of them. ............................................ "I never once promised to be faithful and honest to someone who would betray me. Rant Yes, I know the people on this subreddit and social media are saints. They don’t do anything that looks morally wrong. For them, two wrongs don’t make a right, and if they’re slapped they turn the other cheek. They forgive those who do them harm. No matter what kind of disrespect is shown to them, they always choose the right course of action. But I’m not like that, and I never claimed to be. I don’t owe honesty or fidelity to someone who betrays me. I will do what is best for me without thinking of that person. What I do or how I act is my concern alone; when the vow between us is broken without my knowledge, it is only to be expected that there will be consequences. What I might do can include anything even revenge depending on the situation, the person, and how I feel. You may stop loving me that can be very painful, and I understand, because no one owes another everlasting love. But don’t cheat on me or deceive me, because while people may not be able to control their feelings, they can control their actions. Choosing not to disrespect someone is entirely up to you. I’m sorry, but I’m not one of those people who believe in the “let’s go to couples therapy and fix our relationship” fallacy after you’ve been caught. I’m not as “”mature”” or “”forgiving”” as they are, and I never will be. Those were things that could have been done before you crossed the line, not after. Our relationship didn’t make you behave this way or turn you into a different person; you were already this kind of person maybe you just didn’t know it yourself. I don’t care about excuses or reasons, because nothing can change what happened; what’s done is done. Unless you can invent a time machine, there is no way to permanently heal the wound you opened. Not cheating on someone isn’t difficult; in fact, cheating requires a great deal of effort and energy. After you have put that much effort into something that hurts me, you cannot reasonably expect me to treat you the way I did before."

First of all, congratulations for staying true to yourself and to your feelings, fighting for your happiness through the tough times. I admire you for your integrity. Second, I think you need to make it clear to your family that they must back off if they want to stay in touch with you. If I were you, I’d warn them that any more judgmental attitude and pressure from them will lead to permanent loss of contact. You can’t live in the shadow of your family’s narrow-minded prejudices. You have to stand up to them and reclaim your right to live your own life. Tell them openly that you’re lesbian. If they can’t accept that, it’s their problem, not yours. Third, as someone who believes in God and Jesus Christ, I think that he is infinitely more understanding and merciful than your parents. I struggled through many disagreements with what various Christian organizations teach. At some point, I realized that I believe what I believe, and if the church disagrees then so be it, I can’t violate my heart and my mind and I’m sure God wouldn’t want that. Your relationship with God is personal, so keep it that way. Ask God for guidance and you’ll hear his voice through the thicket of human-made doctrines.

I wish it was made up! I was literally on the ground for about 5 minutes and now I have to give her the money also. It’s my fault that I underestimated her. I thought I would win easily.

This sounds real and not at all made-up.

I come from a very conservative family and I managed to break the mold somewhat but I’m struggling with my own emotions and self judgment over things I’ve done and am doing. I’d love to speak to people that may have gone through the same and have come out the other side so to speak. I was a virgin until I was nearly 20 and even though I had been with my boyfriend 1.5 years my parents were horrified it happened before marriage. They wanted to marry me off to this boy quickly but he didn’t want that and so we split and it’s almost like I had someone looking over my should with everything I did after that. They kept trying to set me up with nice boys from church and I did go on dates with some but there was no attraction. A year later a girlfriend was moving interstate and it was just at the time I was ready for a change. I asked if I could go with her and she was ecstatic, it didn’t go over well with my family but I stood strong against the pressure and I essentially started a new life at 22 on the other side of the country. It was a full year before I saw anyone and he introduced me to my body and I spent 3 intense years with him learning about myself and I thought I had found “the one”. He tragically passed in a car accident and I went on a bit of a downward spiral for a year before I was convinced to get myself back out there my my roommate, the same girl I moved here with. I think I have changed forever because I just compared every man I was with to my exbf and none of them stood up. Then during some reflection I realized I had kissed like 6 men been with 3 of them in the space of a year. I felt sick. I tried to justify it but all I could hear were the words of my family if they knew. It scared me. Was that really who I’ve become? My roommate assured me that it was normal and that if anything the numbers are low but I’ve got years of conditioning that says otherwise and I struggled with it. A lot! I focused on myself for a while but I still had my family hassling me constantly about my age and marriage and I was getting too old that I would be 30 soon and no-one would want me as I was too old for children. They were quite brutal actually. And now to why I am here. It was my 30th birthday party, the one without my family, and towards then end of the night a female colleague expressed a real fondness in me and she kissed me. My whole word changed in that instant. It was like I just found my true self, found what I always wanted but never even knew it. I am embarrassed to admit this but we spent the night together that night and we had never even been on a date. She has stayed with me through all the self doubt and loathing that I am lesbian, but I’ve learned to say it proudly, I AM a lesbian. I truly love her like I’ve never loved before but my parents will judge me if (I guess when) I tell them and God judges me now. If I have to live with sin to be with this woman then I will and I will just have to pay my penance when the time comes. We’re coming up to 2 years together and we need to move forward, she has asked me to marry her and I have said yes. So to anyone who has any similar circumstances please help me out. How do I tell my family? What if they disown me? How did you deal with your own emotions around faith and sin? It’s really hard loving someone so much, but then dealing with your own guilt from an indoctrinated upbringing for just being with them, but then knowing my entire family will hate me for this is just a weight I am struggling with. The last 2 years are the happiest of my life. I AM going to marry her. I deserve to be happy. I just wish I could do it with my family and my faith.

Just give her the money and forget the rematch.

So you think she deserved the win? And I congratulated her but I think I can beat her in a rematch or, is it gonna be worse! What you say?

You underestimated how she’s already planned way, way, way before how she will take you down and beat you. Women are smarter than us, remember that quote? Give her the $2000 and congratulate her. Looks like you got yourself a bodyguard in case anything went down.

Yeah you’re not wrong and I just asked her about the idea of a rematch. She said if we rematch she will kick my balls so hard that I won’t be able to get up lol

Insisting on a rematch just makes you a poor loser.

I got four lines in and then saw "He has a Napoleon complex and is a self proclaimed male chauvinist. On the 4th of July he introduced me to his mother and his 2 adult daughters. So far, so good". Did he tell you this about himself early on?

The thing is we both agreed to allow groin attack just like wwe but I never thought she would really take me down so fast with just a low blow. So on this note do you think she did the right thing to win? How can you be so sure that she will beat me again if I rematch?

You could offer her a rematch, but do you really want to be beaten again? Give her the $2000 and wish her luck on her shopping trip

How many more times does she need to have unpredictable meltdowns and trash you over nothing in order for you to recognize "beyond repair or reasoning"? Is a future tied to that behavior something you envision just because she was able to keep it under wraps while on her best behavior for a few months? This woman turns you into an enemy on a dime out of the blue and for no 'real' reason beyond whatever she makes up in her head during a mood. Is that what you want to tie your future to, and is that who you want raising YOUR children?

Basically I challenged my wife to beat me in wwe style wrestling match and baited I would give her any prize if she won. We played it in three rounds. First round she got me with scissors lock, I tapped. I made the comeback on the second round but on the third round when I dropped her with piledriver, I took a moment to showboat which was really stupid, she took the chance and straight up placed an uppercut low blow between my legs as hard as she could, instantly rolled me over, pinned me down, counted to three but I couldn’t even move. She was celebrating and laughing at me. Now she is asking for 2 grand for shopping. Should I accept or, request her for a rematch? Do you think she won fairly?

Maybe give yourself 3 more months to collect your thoughts, before deciding if you can actually forgive and rebuild your marriage or if this is a deal breaker. I wish you all the best.

Is she showing true remorse or just regret from being caught ? Also 20 seconds is a long time, maybe she has a fetish for these kinds of things , especially adding to the fact it was in the marital bed despite being the "first time" . I recommend you both do individual counseling before you continue couple's so you can gather your thoughts and emotions before making a decision, that being if you want to stay in the marriage or move on. Nothing is wrong with either choice but make sure you're wife is actually remorseful and is willing and determined to get the helps she needs (through individual counseling, reading books about affair recovery etc) to become a safe and healthy partner before you attempt reconciliation otherwise you are setting yourself up for more hurt in the future. Maybe you could also do a trial separation to see what it really is what you want and if you can be content with living without your wife.

It could be childhood sexual abuse, insecure leading her to seek validation from other men, dopamine addiction and the taboo of it all, mid-life crisis, the affair was an escape from her real life etc things like that. Just know the problem lies in her.

Hot tubs aren't particularly big, and whatever these womens' intentions were is their deal rather than you or your boyfriend's. Maybe they thought he was cute and were flirting, sure, but what matters more is how active he was in the whole thing and you don't really have the context for that. In his position to be honest he's probably there just to enjoy the hot-tub, he doesnt know these women or what these intentions are. I feel like it would be extremely awkward to suddenly stand up and move to the other side of the pool, unless they were actively harrassing him or something. It seems to me you are telling yourself a big story about your boyfriend's ability to be faithful around attractive women, without much context or evidence that he was really doing anything suspect, and there are a lot more innocent explanations that are far more likely. Now I'm not saying it's impossible that he was out of line or deliberately placed himself there to flirt, or whatever, but you dont know that. I think it's also worth keeping in mind the bit where you say "he saw that I was mad and got out", if being in the vicinity of attractive women in general is going to provoke a reaction every time it happens, it's going to wear away at him over time and create resentment.

This is another indicator that this wasn't a very healthy connection, though. Sure, people get angry sometimes and say things they don't mean. But when you add this pattern to the fact that you two were mostly a secret and didn't see each other much..well, it never amounted to the stuff relationships with a good survival rate are made of. You will need time to get used to the idea that this person is not your future, but I think you will be better off for it in the long run.

This is possible too, of course. But it was mentioned before, so there wasn't any point in me repeating it... and with a 5-year relationship I think it makes sense to consider all possibilities.

I still think the most likely explanation for all this comes from the bit in OP when he mentioned that things were getting more serious and he was thinking of buying a ring. I think its pretty common for people to coast for years in a relationship they're not truly comfortable with, and then when it comes to a big fork in the road like getting married or deciding to have kids, sometimes they don't have the emotional capacity or self-awareness to express their feelings like an adult. So the solution becomes go absolutely off your rocker and blow the whole thing up. That way they can justify the fallout by their partner's perceived bad behaviour and it's a bit more of a "comfortable" escape with less soul-searchings and emotionally vulnerable conversations.

You are 21 and you won't date anyone "a day older"? I mean, that sounds pretty immature to me, but if that's what you need, then eh, sure. You're obviously going to be restricting yourself significantly, because you can pretty much only date people who are 18-20yo (and that's not even considering your other requirements...). Also most women who hear about this "requirement" are going to ditch you even if they fulfill it, so you'll have that to contend with as well. At the end of the day, you have the right to set any "requirements" that you want. Heck you can require the women you date to have names that only start with "A" and have 3 syllables, if you choose to do so! But your choices will have consequences, and those consequences will include taking a much longer time to find your first relationship, possibly never. Also, lots of people go into relationships expecting them to be the "one", but 99% of people's first relationships will crash and burn. Relationships are kinda like learning to ride a bike - you can theorize about it as much as you like, but actually DOING it for the first time in real life will teach you more than any theory you could possibly come up with.

Has she really never behaved like this before? Being on her best behavior is a thing, but people don't usually wait 5 years to show you their true colors. If this genuinely has NEVER happened before, and then it was like a switch was flipped, it sounds more like a medical issue, honestly. Is it possible that she could be pregnant? If she has mental health issues that were previously under control, sometimes the flood of hormones can trigger pre-existing conditions. There are also extremely rare conditions like brain tumors that can completely alter a person's personality. This is something that a quick trip to the doctor could check for. If she's unwilling to even go to the doctor, I'd just leave. If you look back at her history with you and you find small indicators of this having happened before, I would also just leave.