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This is an astonishingly selfish reason to have a child.

I'd never tell a loved one what they 'should' do; I can only speak for myself, and I'd only do that if someone requested my input. Unsolicited advice is worth what you've paid for it.

Hi all, I have been in a relationship for 20 years. My partner and I have three children. She was recently seen kissing some stranger on the street by my eldest son. We’ve often had issues with her drinking, and when she starts, she doesn’t really know how to stop and she’s put herself in many many vulnerable situations with other men. Because of the consistency, I can only assume it’s on purpose. It looks like the marriage is truly over and I’m having a really hard time coping. Because I was so invested in my family, I had closed myself off from the rest of the world, and now I don’t know how to connect with people. I feel so alone, and my first instinct is to try and find someone who really could be my person. I just want to commit to someone, I just want to love someone and be loved by someone. I’m not ready for dating apps, i’m not emotionally ready for anything. I’m in such a bad place, I’m trying to mask coping for my children.

Yep. When I was young and had trouble breaking from a relationship, my biggest hope was that my partner would form an interest in someone else. I had to mature out of that. If I had a partner who suggested this, I'd consider our future together to be over. Otherwise, there'd be so many ways to invest in all kinds of sex that would be satisfying without a need for penetration. She's done. She's just waiting for you to catch up to that fact.

Negotiate joint custody. The more amicable you can make the separation, the more freely you're likely to keep access to your son. Don't conflate co-parenting with staying in a lousy relationship. That makes everybody unhappy, and nobody 'wins'.

Yeah I mean you would think that if someone wasn't happy with a dating partner/relationship that they would just end it themselves. However I have always been very surprised just how much trouble some people have with ending relationships and cutting those individuals out of their lives. For some they almost need the other person to end it. So them trying to find ways for the other person to lose interest in them wouldn't be that surprising.

That was my first thought as well, honestly.

It's pretty normal for casual dating partners to agree to allow each other to see (have sex) other people but far more rare for people who want to be in a committed relationship to be ok with it (and often when they are it's because it is playing into a sex fantasy they have). OP are you sure the relationship is as good as you are wanting to believe it is? Very very few women who feel committed to a guy would be ok with him having sex with other women (usually it is the guys desire to have an open relationship and it is the lady going along with it). Are you sure she isn't secretly trying to get rid of you? And I would also wonder if her low libido is legitimate or if she has just lost interest in having sex with you. Low libido does happen but it would be unlikely for the women with a low libido to be ok with her partner sleeping around.

Do you realize how deeply offensive this thinking is to your second child? “I never wanted you, but I agreed to have you so that I could spend more time with your brother”. Sorry for saying it bluntly like that, but I truly hope you won’t go that way. Your second child will be unhappy, and your son surely also won’t appreciate growing up with parents who are in a loveless relationship. You wouldn’t be staying for your child. Your son will be much better off with divorced parents than in a toxic household. So the choice isn’t between your long-term happiness and yours, it’s between the possibility of long-term happiness for everyone involved and staying physically closer to your son while everyone is miserable. I was in a situation that was much less divorce-ready than yours. I still chose to divorce. My son is 17 now, we keep in touch.

The whole family had life 360, mainly so we could see where the kids were. Snapchat allows people to view where you are, both of her accounts were turned off, mine, as I had nothing to hide, were always turned on and visible. I'm not sure where you get the bit about neither of us liking each other from, she was my wife and I loved her completely, everything I did was for her, I believed that we were a reasonably happy couple and that we loved each other. I was wrong, dreadfully wrong and now I face an uncertain future where I could lose everything financially and end up broken and alone.

Thank you all for your advice, I’ve been reading everything carefully and thinking a lot about it. Many of you suggested proceeding with separation, and I understand the reasons behind that. I can see that our relationship has deep incompatibilities, and that this situation isn’t healthy long-term if nothing changes. However, I’m really struggling with one major thing: my son. Since moving out, the idea of not being with him every day has been extremely difficult for me. I keep thinking about how this will affect him, and also how it will affect my relationship with him over time. Because of that, I’ve started questioning myself a lot. Part of me is even considering whether I should accept having a second child, not because I truly want it, but because it would allow us to stay together as a family and keep being present in my son’s daily life. At the same time, I’m aware that this would mean sacrificing something very important to me, and I’m not sure if that would lead to resentment later on or create even bigger problems in the future. So now I feel stuck between two difficult options: - separating and risking losing daily life with my son, or - staying and agreeing to something I don’t truly want, just to preserve the family. If anyone has been in a similar situation, choosing between your own long-term happiness and staying for your child, I would really appreciate hearing how it turned out for you. How do you make a decision like this without regretting it later? Thank you again for your perspectives.

How long have you been together, and how long has this been an issue? That's what I am wondering, too. It is almost surely a recipe for disaster to emabark on a plan like this, OP, and I can't help but think that maybe there is a bigger issue that isn't being talked about, ie. your long-term viability as a romantic couple.

Are you sure you don’t want to explore other solutions? It feels strange to me that having sex with other people was suggested right away without considering other possibilities. Surely that can’t be the first solution either of you thought about? She won’t be able to have penetrative sex, but there are plenty of other ways to enjoy and pleasure each other sexually. Having sex with other people while being in a monogamous relationship, even when done with permission, is an incredibly risky endeavor. I know two couples where one of the partners (the man in both cases) did that. Both broke up shortly afterwards. It’s really hard to come back from something like that, and it will surely cast a huge shadow over your relationship no matter what. Are you really willing to put your happiness with your girlfriend at great risk simply to ensure that you’ll have penetrative sex during the next year? Or is there a bigger problem here? Are you generally dissatisfied with the sexual aspect of your relationship? Are your libidos mismatched?

I’m 24:male, and my partner is 30/female. We have a strong, loving relationship built on trust, honesty, and emotional closeness. She’s had a lower libido for some time, and a recent injury has made sex physically impossible for 6–12 months. The injury hasn’t caused the libido difference, but it made the situation unavoidable and brought the conversation into the open. Her focus is on recovery, not sex, which I completely respect. She’s said she’d be open to me seeing other women during this time, though she doesn’t want to hear details. She also wants to discuss boundaries and communication before anything happens. In theory, this sounds generous and fun, but I’m not sure how I’d handle it in practice. For context, I’ve had casual and long-term relationships; she has only had long-term ones and hasn’t experienced casual dynamics. For people I’ve been in a similar situation: What were your genuine feelings underneath the surface? What boundaries mattered most? Did your feelings change once it became real? What helped preserve trust and emotional safety? Anything you wish your partner had understood better? I want to understand her perspective so I can approach this respectfully and protect our relationship. Thank you.

Why is your friend suddenly voicing their opinions about what you should’ve done three years ago? Is this friend a woman? Are you happy with your girlfriend now? Has she truly changed? If so, then just tell that to your friend and ask them to not bring it up again.

Is this ‘friend’ male or female, and what’s your relationship with them? How did they find out about this? Why do they think they have the right to tell you that you should have ended the relationship?

I would have ended the relationship then, yes.

yes hit me on the top of my head with both hands

I don't understand what you mean by this. She took your head in her hands? She hit you on the head?

This post was a little confusing because you made it sound like these incidents were recent, and I was all ready to say that the relationship is toxic and you should leave. But then at the end you throw in that this all happened 3 years ago but hasn't happened since, and the relationship is much better now. So, ok then. Why are you putting so much stock in the opinion of one friend? Just because a friend tells you that you should have left the relationship, that doesn't mean that's necessarily the "correct" opinion. How do YOU feel about the relationship now, do you truly feel that those toxic traits are in the past and she is no longer acting abusively or erratically? Are you comfortable in the relationship? Are you and your gf still using drugs and alcohol? It sounds like a lot of your problems were fueled by that.

We have been together for 4 years, both mid 30s. She is beautiful, kind, caring, absolutely amazing with children and all of my friends and family adore her (more than they do me). She is a family girl which I love, and I'm very serious about her. She moved in to mine pretty early on, and for the most part our relationship has been the best thing to ever happen to me, she feels the same. Our lives have meshed together well, she introduced me to her family early on (and vice versa) and everyone gets on well. We have such a laugh together, we've shared some incredible memories, and I see my future in her every single day. I know she'd had periods of feeling really low especially since she'd been working less, aside from some tutoring. She's worked hard on getting her career back in swing. Over a year in to the relationship she started piling on a lot of stress especially during my downtimes. I know this was not intentional - she is very aware of her tendency to overthink and I've told her how to best deal with this including strategies but she'd only keep it up for so long. She had good weeks where she engages with all her hobbies, but then really bad weeks to follow. On a bad day it used to be very overwhelming. The first time she hit me was after a friend's wedding - we'd both had a lot to drink, I was tired, but she wanted to have sex. We ended up in an argument and she threw her arms out (aimed at me) and caught me on the chest. She felt very bad for it, but a similar thing happened a few weeks later. I told her if it were to happen again we're over. A few months later we were at a friend's house, drunk and high. She'd been annoyed with me as she felt I'd withheld some information purposely. I hadn't, I just didn't think to tell her. When it was just me and her in the room she told me she felt I didn't care about her, then apparently (in her words) I looked her straight in the eye and said 'you're right, I don't care about you'. If I had said this, it would've been sarcastically. This caused her to come over next to me and plant her hands on my head. I gave her the benefit of the doubt due to the substances - she told me afterwards that she got really paranoid, couldn't control herself and it wasn't me that she saw in that moment. I believed her. After that, she had locked herself away in the bedroom and was sobbing uncontrollably. She then told me that I'm too good for her, she felt she didn't deserve me, and that I shouldn't forgive her. I know that my gf struggled to express herself maturely. Underneath it all she has the kindest soul. My friends, and their children, are literally obsessed with her. She always told me that this behaviour isn't her, and she started going for therapy after the third incident. This was three years ago now, and there's been no such thing since. We're in a very good place, and I'm glad I stuck by her side. One of my friends found out about this the other day... no idea how. They told me I should've left the relationship there and then. What do you think? tl;dr gf hurt me and friend is unhappy that I stayed, how do I move forward?

We have been together for 4 years. She is beautiful, kind, caring, absolutely amazing with children and all of my friends and family adore her (more than they do me). She is a family girl which I love, and I'm very serious about her. She moved in to mine pretty early on, and for the most part our relationship has been the best thing to ever happen to me, she feels the same. Our lives have meshed together well, she introduced me to her family early on (and vice versa) and everyone gets on well. We have such a laugh together, we've shared some incredible memories, and I see my future in her every single day. I know she'd had periods of feeling really low especially since she'd been working less, aside from some tutoring. She's worked hard on getting her career back in swing. Over a year in to the relationship she started piling on a lot of stress especially during my downtimes. I know this was not intentional - she is very aware of her tendency to overthink and I've told her how to best deal with this including strategies but she'd only keep it up for so long. She had good weeks where she engages with all her hobbies, but then really bad weeks to follow. On a bad day it used to be very overwhelming. The first time she hit me was after a friend's wedding - we'd both had a lot to drink, I was tired, but she wanted to have sex. We ended up in an argument and she threw her arms out (aimed at me) and caught me on the chest. She felt very bad for it, but a similar thing happened a few weeks later. I told her if it were to happen again we're over. A few months later we were at a friend's house, drunk and high. She'd been annoyed with me as she felt I'd withheld some information purposely. I hadn't, I just didn't think to tell her. When it was just me and her in the room she told me she felt I didn't care about her, then apparently (in her words) I looked her straight in the eye and said 'you're right, I don't care about you'. If I had said this, it would've been sarcastically. This caused her to come over next to me and plant her hands on my head. I gave her the benefit of the doubt due to the substances - she told me afterwards that she got really paranoid, couldn't control herself and it wasn't me that she saw in that moment. I believed her. After that, she had locked herself away in the bedroom and was sobbing uncontrollably. She then told me that I'm too good for her, she felt she didn't deserve me, and that I shouldn't forgive her. I know that my gf struggled to express herself maturely. Underneath it all she has the kindest soul. My friends, and their children, are literally obsessed with her. She always told me that this behaviour isn't her, and she started going for therapy after the third incident. This was three years ago now, and there's been no such thing since. We're in a very good place, and I'm glad I stuck by her side. One of my friends found out about this the other day... no idea how. They told me I should've left the relationship there and then. What do you think? tl;dr gf hurt me and friend is unhappy that I stayed, how do I move forward?

Then you are very likely calling an old and disconnected number. You will need to find the current number. As I said in your other thread, you need to start looking for another job. This one isn't going to last much longer.

Of course not. Who would pay the ultimate price for that? That half-unwanted second child. Don't bring more kids into this mess. Oh, it's way past time to formally end the marriage. You two do not get along, barely like each other, and have already been exposing your child to this long enough. It's dysfunctional. It's one of those situations which should have ended a long time ago but perhaps both of you were trying to force a square peg into a round hole because you wanted a relationship of some kind, a child, or were just too afraid of being single again. But it's well past its expiration date now. Set yourself free, and pave a happier path forward for yourself. Your child will thank you later for not raising them in a toxic household.

His surprise, the joking, the suggestion of dinner, the museum detour, the impulsive kiss those aren’t the actions of someone who feels nothing. There was genuine spark and curiosity. His energy changed for sure though mid-way through the date. His comment about “being cautious” and “consequences” wasn’t random. That was him revealing that he was suddenly in his head. He sounds ambivalent, not someone who is clearly into it or clearly out. You simply met someone who felt something but not enough, or not clearly enough, or not steadily enough to show up fully.