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Kindly, I would urge you to do some serious work on your self-worth before you venture back into dating, OP. You have very flimsy boundaries and your bar is set way too low. The wrong sorts of people, like this man, are going to try to exploit your naivety and emotion al vulnerability.

It’s clear you found a certain appeal to his confidence or intensity at first, I mean, you said this has been going on for over a year? You're quite naive and I don't mean that as a dig towards you but you were operating from a place of hope, loneliness, and inexperience while he milked that for all it was worth. He knew exactly how to keep you hooked just enough to stay in his orbit. I'm glad you've stepped away from it but even posting on here you're still in a way trying to understand his behaviour. I know you're seeking clarity but your time would be better spent focusing on why this dynamic pulled you in, what needs or vulnerabilities it tapped into, and how you can strengthen those parts of yourself so someone like him never gets that kind of access again. If you respond back to someone who doesn’t share your values and they push back, you’re not having a conversation anymore you’re being trained to doubt yourself. That’s the moment to step away, not to negotiate. And that’s really the core of what happened here. Some people will keep pushing back until you learn to be assertive enough to say, this isn't working for me, bye!

Why even engage for that long? You're the one claiming you're looking for a loyal and long-term relationship. The moment a stranger crosses lines into behavior you wouldn't respect from a loyal and long-term partner, that's the time to shut them down and block them. No negotiation is necessary. If you want to waste your time on erotic seducers, that's not against the law, it's just not productive. It's one more barrier to finding the right man you're placing in your own way.

Just to be clear - I have blocked him now.

I think you're missing what your boyfriend is actually telling you. When he says "it hurts that I don't love him enough to trust him," he's not talking about trusting him not to cheat. He's talking about the constant emotional labor of reassuring you, the tension every time you go out, the fights over situations where he did nothing wrong. You say you trust him, but then you pick fights after he literally kissed you in front of someone to show he's taken. That's not about the other woman anymore, that's about you needing him to prove himself over and over again. That's exhausting for a partner. Good on you for booking therapy. In the meantime, when you feel that jealousy spike, try asking yourself "what did HE actually do wrong here?" If the answer is nothing, then you need to physically remove yourself like you did with the surfing until you can process it without making it his problem.

You're nostalgic for the comfort and familiarity, not the actual relationship. The fact that you specifically say you don't love him romantically anymore is your answer. You miss having a partner and best friend, not necessarily him as your partner. Also worth noting that he's being avoidant again, the same pattern that contributed to your breakup. Three years later and he still hasn't worked on that. People can change, but it doesn't sound like he has. The "right person, wrong time" thing is usually just a comforting story we tell ourselves. If you were truly right for each other, you'd feel more than just comfortable nostalgia.

The real question is why are you still trying to figure him out instead of just blocking and moving on? He's told you exactly who he is multiple times, someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and keeps pushing after you've said no. That's all you need to know. Doesn't matter if it's a fetish thing, manipulation, or whatever. The pattern is clear: you say you're uncomfortable, he ignores it and keeps pushing. That's not someone looking for a relationship, that's someone looking for someone they can wear down.

unsolicited advice...DO NOT be so graceful about what a saint your wife is when speaking to your lawyer. no one cares what she tried to do or what changes she's worked on in the past. bottom line, she wants an open marriage and is no longer willing to be monogamous and committed to you, and that's all you need to repeat to yourself about getting divorced. and to your lawyer.

here's the thing. their normal is fine for them. if their normal does not seem normal to you, then block and stop talking to them. their normal doesn't have to make sense to you, and it's fine to not agree with their normal not matching what you feel to be normal.

My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been together about 8 years. We have two young kids (5 and 2). The younger one still struggles with sleeping through the night, and we split bedtime and nighttime responsibilities between us. I work full-time in a high-stress job while she works part-time. The younger one just started daycare a month ago. Over time I realize that one source of friction is how we experience desire. I tend to feel desire more spontaneously, while she seems to respond more once things are already in motion. She enjoys sex when we have it, but rarely initiates. Before kids, our sex life and physical affection felt easier and more frequent—sex about twice a week, daily cuddling, and affection that wasn’t always tied to sex. Since our second child, I’ve tried to make sure I am supporting her and giving her enough time to be her own person. I want to be clear that I’m not listing these things as a transaction or expectation, just as context. I am not just watching sports while she is cooking dinner and raising our kids. I handle most meals, laundry, dishes, trash, planning date nights, arranging babysitters, and we do monthly “how are we doing” check-ins. We also try to continue with daily non-sexual affection, like kissing goodbye and offering compliments. I’ve come to accept that she will probably always initiate sex and physical affection less than I do. To her credit, she does show affection in her own ways—playful teasing, coming up behind me for a quick kiss, and occasional compliments. What I find harder is that over time she’s also stopped putting much effort into her appearance, even on date nights. This isn’t about a specific look or standard, but more so I miss feeling visually or romantically desired sometimes. The feeling of, "Wow, she put that effort in for my attention," like when you first start dating. I still find her very attractive and think about her often. She has mild depression and sees a therapist. She also sometimes asks, half-jokingly, whether I’m infatuated with anyone else, which makes me wonder if insecurity is part of what’s going on. I’m not trying to change who she is or pressure her. I’m trying to figure out how to talk honestly about wanting to feel desired in the relationship without sounding shallow, critical, or like I’m adding another burden—especially given the stress of young kids and everything she’s already carrying. For those who’ve been through similar stages of marriage or parenting: how would you approach this topic of wanting to feel desired?

And why on earth would you want to change something like that? Its something that afflicts a lot of us in dating. "If I could just change them" etc. But you have to realise you dont have power over anyone else. If they are showing you who they are believe them and leave it alone. If I met someone for who was say for example polyamorous, if thats what theyre into why would I make it a project to change their mind and make them someone whos only into me, rather than just finding someone who wants the same thing as me?

I did end the chat multiple times but he would always text again eventually and I fell for it every time. I also blocked him last year only for him to get in touch again under a different number. I've had a wake up call now but I guess I was naively hoping he would change and stop talking about all that stuff, and that without it we could have a normal relationship. I couldn't find anyone else who ticked my boxes, had a lot of common interests, seemed interested in dating me and could actually hold a conversation. I realise now it's obviously so much better to be single than to be with the wrong and a really dodgy/weird person. He just seemed to have a hold over me for some reason. He was also a really good salesman and made everything sound normal rather than a weird kink/dodgy etc. He said he was interested in getting me to become more open minded and confident about showing off my body etc. We would always debate and I just really clearly said I'm never doing that stuff, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I would only get to about a week or 10 days and then just cut contact with him after realising he wasn't going to ever change.

The biggest takeaway for me is why were you even wondering about this guy? If I discovered someone wanted me to basically be her pimp and watch while she slept with dozens of different dudes I'd say fair enough but thats not what Im into so... next. If you are actually after a normal relationship and to date someone in a more traditional way it's more sensible to just move on quickly from guys with weird kinks and figure its not for you rather than engaging with them just because they might be attractive etc.

Thanks for your input. Unfortunately I can't report him on the dating app as I found out recently that he blocked me on there - I'm assuming after I raised his behaviour and we ended up arguing which lead to me blocking him on Whatsapp. Every time I raised things with him or questioned stuff he said, he would always make me feel like I was uptight/a prude and not open minded enough etc, and that essentially I was the one with the problem, or (as I quoted earlier) that I was oversensitive for not wanting to hear about how many women he's been with or could be with in the future. It sounded like he only moved within those circles where women acted like sluts and went out with 'alpha' guys (as he called them) and their partners didn't seem to mind - I hadn't even heard of cuckolding before until a couple of people mentioned it on this post. It sounded like basically everyone he knew seemed to do some kind of sleazy job or 'hobby' - his personal trainer apparently used to own a strip club, and a woman him and his friend used to know is now doing OnlyFans and wants to sleep with loads of men etc. His fantasy mainly seemed to be about shy and innocent women 'discovering' another side to themselves where they turned into crazy sluts o_O I did joke to him on a couple of occasions that he should find someone on Tinder to do that kind of stuff, and that the 'how to sleep with 100 men' talk sounded like it was a training ground for prostitution - but maybe my suspicions weren't completely inaccurate. I just couldn't get my head around why he was so keen for me to hook up with other men if he wanted to date me himself - the idea is so alien to me since loyalty and commitment are my priorities in a dating relationship. I was really open about my values and wanting to honour the other person in a relationship - even in the early dating stages, but now it makes complete sense why he didn't seem to care or share my feelings.

I've read your post twice and can't spot any danger. If you mean the bit about her kissing another female, what's the problem? If she's in some danger because of this then I'd have to assume that she comes from some backward religious background where demented fanatics will commit an honour killing if they find out. Alternative sexuality is common so her parents will just have to suck it up.

Oh wow… that is a lot to process. Honestly, your boss’s behavior sounds completely unprofessional, inappropriate, and frankly a little hostile. No one should ever say to an employee, “nobody likes you here, watch your back, they want to set you up.” That’s not “management.” A good boss (or manager) would help resolve conflicts, and create a professional, safe, and respectful environment. They wouldn’t foster a hostile atmosphere. She also has food that's supposed to be frozen thawing in a fridge. Sounds like she's the one with the problem. Who knows if what she told you is even true. What I would do (if I didn’t want to risk losing my job) is ignore her remark and continue interacting professionally with your co-workers. Focus on doing your job well, maintaining your own standards, and documenting any unsafe practices or inappropriate comments.

I don't think you're exaggerating, this guy is a nut and I would report him for harassing you on the dating platform. I know you haven't had many relationships but you're missing a basic truth: non-creepy men do not behave like this. Whether he's a pimp or running some sex operation ring, keep blocking.

Gently, if he's being avoidant, I don't think he feels this way. And I think you like the idea of a partner more than you actually want him as your parter if you also say this: A relationship won't work in these circumstances.

Is this not the same man who told you after the second date that there was no attraction, and then strung you along for months? I would urge you to seek counselling at this point, as it sounds like you aren't willing or able to see the reality of the situation for what it was. As a consequence, you are getting trapped in your delusion of how "caring" and "attentive" this man was.

-First off, the consensus everyone is saying here, for a lack of a better way to put it, is you just met this girl. It's way too early to say she's the one. -Secondly, I'm assuming it's a friend or a family member you're describing when you say 'someone you know' because that's what it typically turns out to be. I got friends who got married within 2 weeks of meeting each other and have been married for several years with kids, but that is an extremely rare occasion under a very certain set of circumstances. Doesn't mean this will apply to you, regardless of what faith you follow. Typically, what happens is when you rush, things don't go the way you want them to. So don't think that you're in competition with whoever this person is that you know. If you like this woman, great. but if you haven't been in a serious relationship before, SLOW IT DOWN. Take your time. If she wants to introduce you to the rest of the family and even some close friends of hers, that's a good sign, but let her do it. Don't insert yourself. -Next, just because you kiss, doesn't necessarily mean she loves you. I understand you may have got to know a bit about her, but you don't KNOW her. She may say she believes the same way you do, but does she practice it? What are some of her other stances on certain topics? Has she had flings with other men in the past? Has she do things for you or are you doing the majority of the heavy lifting in the relationship, such as maybe buy you a drink or done something for one of your family members/friends or whatever? There's other questions and these are simply samples, but these are meant to not only be asked but also answered. I, as a guy myself, normally would make critiques about women because I had been on the receiving end of being left with a broken heart (and it's not fun nor recommended), but out of fairness, many men just see and think "PRETTY GIRL" and go for it without thinking about who they're dealing with, especially nowadays. That was my mistake. I thought I knew the women in my past, but I really didn't because I thought I knew all I needed to know and it came back and bit me on the behind. I was so invested in thinking with each girl I met that, whoever it was, the possibility of her being the one was very strong rather than thinking of what the reality of it was. Yes, wouldn't it be nice to have that unicorn of a woman? However, when you snap back into reality, you find out things and she turns out not who she says she is. Even if she is a good person, she will have flaws, physically or some minor quirks to her personality. The question then becomes is she worth it? Sure she may be pretty, which is good stuff, but what lies in her heart and mind? She met one criteria, which is physical attractiveness, but now you need to figure out who she really is underneath. -The other thing to consider is if you're wanting to start a family. Most guys I know do. However, there are women out there, despite many of them saying they want a family, have different thoughts. Many do want to get married and with children because they want to continue on a family legacy, so they're still around and MAYBE this woman in your post wants one as well (fingers crossed for you). Some, on the other hand, want the family for clout to their friends and everyone around them, others to collect money. Then we have those who want the relationship but no kids. The point being made here is if any of this conflicts with what you're looking for in your future, it's probably not worth pursuing the woman. If you want children, you need to make sure that she wants them too. Otherwise, you may be wasting your time. -Lastly, does she respect you? Is she loyal to you? Does she even like you? From what you're saying (without any details to go off of) she does. Again, good signs that you're going out with her once a week, you kissed, you met her mother, but that doesn't really mean that much. Everyone who's been in a relationship of any kind has at one point gone through much of this, if not all of it. Was it you that wanted to get married asap or was it her? Maybe not the best way to put it, but it goes back to all the other points made. It seems awfully early to be talking about marriage, especially when you two barely know each other. I've seen this happen to my oldest brother who got engaged in a month of meeting his ex-wife he hardly knew and his marriage only lasting 6 months because she cheated on him, emasculating him, and gaslighting him (haven't got in details on how she treated our family). She had children from another marriage she always pressed on him, with him paying for everything, and it was beginning to effect him psychologically. After his divorce, he, at one point, while screwing around with an old friend of his, considered getting back with her but ultimately didn't and hadn't spoke to our family for nearly a month. This all happened because this woman never really loved him. Instead, she found a living ATM and a glorified babysitter for her kids (who she never had custody of). Having arguments are one thing because they can be resolved, but to out right disrespect and even gaslight another person out of spite is another deal altogether. It's a sign she may not even want anything to do with you, only your resources. Now, I'm not trying to discourage you in any way, shape, or form. This woman in your story might be a great person, and I really hope that's the case. And I understand thinking about marriage with a woman that you may actually care about. It's not as if it's uncommon or anything because a ton of guys think this, my past self included. However, we need to consider the consequences before acting. I'm not recommending going all Spanish Inquisition or anything. That's ridiculous and would never question every single insignificant thing. However, these are questions and answers that need to be sought out. Don't assume a fair day in paradise. Be on your guard, and if you find out that she isn't for you, at least you know and you can move on. Don't base it strictly base it off of surface area material. Best people to consult are your parents and/or grandparents. Aunts and uncles, maybe even some older siblings. I'm just a dude posting my thoughts, but based off of my experience, don't ever think that things will always go your way, so don't rush anything. My last tip is this: if you haven't already, go to the gym, lose any fatty weight you have, improve your appearance/hygiene, improve your income, get involved with a highly physically active sport like hobby (running, bicycling, swimming, etc, golf and anything that involves standing around doesn't count), get more involved with your current hobbies (even if it is golfing or not so physically demanding activities), spend more time with family and friends, make new friends, and get out into the world and interact with others you may not know or places you've never been to. Some of it sounds silly, but not only does it help, it also gets you much more involved with life. Keep yourself busy. Women, even if it is or not this woman, like a guy that's very involved with his goals and what he's building or what he had already built. If this woman from your story likes you already, great, but she may like you more when you go out and do things that improve your life. If she doesn't but you have achieved so much, that's her lost, not yours. And if that happens, who knows, there may be another woman that'll come along and actually like and respect you for you, not her chasing after resources. If this helped in anyway, I'm glad. Feel free to ask questions. I'm here if you need anything!

that bar is pretty low, once you feel ready to date it should be pretty easy to find someone way better than the ex that told you he wasn't into you and didn't actually want to date you. focus on people that actually want to spend time with you.

Yeah that much to me was pretty obvious. He is into cuckolding and humiliation fetishes and pimping naturally go hand in hand with that. Look at P Diddy and Cassie for a recent well known example. What confuses me more is why OP would even give this a second thought if she is after a normal partner. Hes a sexual freak and ruining you life and humiliating you would actually turn him on. Not a very good bet unless you are also into those things.

It’s been at least 2 months now since the break up. I thought I was doing fine, but then once a while the feeling of missing him or the memories of our good times together appear. I tried to divert the thoughts to something else, but it still make me feel quite sad. My friends encouraged me to go back on the dating app, but I find myself not feeling it or I would start talking to a guy and just don’t feel the same connection as I did with my ex. Then it remind me of how attentive and caring my ex was, and it makes me miss him. Which then made me feel I might never be able to find someone like him again. Maybe I’ll be alone forever and it scared me and make me feel very sad as well. I know maybe I am just feeling lonely. I also know my ex is not the right person for me so even if I miss, I know I should never reach out to him again. I just don’t know how to get myself out of the negative and lonely thoughts.

Sound she is acting moody and even invading your space and pushing you and you end up apologising for it? You aren't putting boundaries, I'm guessing this is why she feels entitled to act this way in the first place. We let people trample our boundaries in order to calm them down and make them stop arguing but in the end it only gives them a justification for their bs behaviour and it comes back around twice as strongly. Nevertheless I dont think someone who is overstepping your boundaries this much is usually a healthy partner. If she can recognise she is being over the top and takes some responsibility for her part in it maybe you can make it work but otherwise I dont think its going in a good direction. You need to put your foot down.

You’re talking about your ex-husband, right? Because it would be quite unfathomable if you stayed with a person you have such intensely negative feelings for. Assuming that you’re divorced, I hope that you’ll never, ever make the mistake of giving up your identity and your life for another person. You shouldn’t do that for anyone, even for the most wonderful partner in the world (who would never approve of you doing that).