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Hi everyone, This is my first post I’m posting from a throwaway because this is extremely personal, and I honestly don’t know who else to talk to. I recently came back from a work trip — it was a 10-day company retreat/strategy workshop, nothing unusual, nothing inappropriate. Since then, my husband has been… different. Distant. Cold. Disconnected. I’ve asked him over and over if something’s wrong, and he keeps saying “I’m just stressed,” or “It’s nothing, don’t overthink.” But the change in intimacy, the lack of warmth, the way he looks at me sometimes… it feels like something shifted while I was away. For context: I have never cheated. I’ve never even given him a reason to doubt me. I’m a working mum, I travel sometimes for work, and he has always been supportive. That’s why his behavior has been confusing and honestly painful. But what happened yesterday broke me in a way I did not expect. I got a message from someone on a website called anonymous-hackers-for-hire com that he was hired to access my phone . At first, I thought it was a sick joke — but the person sent proof that he had already gained access to my phone: screenshots of my call logs, some recent and deleted photos I didn’t even know still existed, and parts of my WhatsApp backup and text messages. He said my husband hired him to “gain access to my phone ” because he believed something happened during my trip… but after completing the hack, my husband refused to pay the remaining balance. So the hacker decided to inform me instead. I feel sick. I feel violated, betrayed, and confused. My own husband — the man I trusted completely — secretly hired someone to invade my privacy instead of talking to me like an adult. But at the same time… part of me keeps wondering if I somehow made him insecure? If anything about the trip or my behavior made him feel threatened? I don’t even know anymore, and that scares me. Right now I’m stuck between confronting him immediately or staying quiet until I understand what I’m really dealing with. I don’t want to make a mistake that destroys our marriage, but I also don’t want to pretend like nothing happened. How do I navigate this? Do I confront him directly? Do I ask why he didn’t talk to me first? Do I bring up the hacker’s message? Or do I wait and observe before doing anything? I’m hurting… but I also don’t want to lose my marriage over a moment of mistrust — his or mine. Please, any advice would mean a lot. I'll be in the comments

i think what we are trying to say is, don't focus on her masturbating, focus on why you two aren't having sex or what that issue is. it isn't about her masturbating.

listen, i get it, we like to label things because it makes them easier to try to justify or process, but there's A LOT of armchair diagnoses in this post, you should be careful trying to add identification to behaviors like that. it sounds like your ex just sucks, and none of the jargon is even necessary. she lied and cheats on you, bottom line. block her and your torture can start healing.

right?? that's actually really weird that like, even minor tongue touching just naturally happens with open mouth kissing, i can't even think of when i considered it "french kissing" except...before i ever did it the first time, now its just kissing

and do you think this is why he's not running into the sunset with you, because you aren't worthy?

Well, then the issue is much more serious. Regardless of her masturbation habits, you two appear to be sexually incompatible. With such a huge discrepancy in sex drives, how did you get together in the first place? Or is this a recent change?

I have a very high sex drive, she claims to “not have one”. I don’t try to initiate every day even though I would be up for it. I try like once every 7-10 days and most of the time met with rejection. I would say that I am not satisfied with my sex life. I would like her to initiate from time to time, give oral (more than once or twice a year…no joke), etc. My issue with her masturbation is the surrounding events. Reject my advance, then proceeds to pull out the massager when I leave to run an errand she sends me on or to pick up one of our kids 30 minutes later.

Sometimes people just want to have a "selfish" orgasm and not worry about another person. It can be a problem if you're not happy with your sex life, though - but in that case I'd recommend talking to her about the sex life, not about the masturbation. That being said I think there's no harm in you offering to bring the massage gun into the bedroom, if she's open to that. Also, if it's an ACTUAL massage gun... I feel like getting a Hitachi might be an overall improvement.

I'm not sure what there is to discuss over here. You either accept what he's offering or you dump him and go no contact for the rest of your life. He sounds too broken to offer more, and there's no indication that he wants to fix his brokenness. The real question is why are you hanging around, hoping to see if tin will turn into silver?

Unless she explicitly told you that something was missing from your sex life, expressed discomfort, or asked to change something, assume that she is sexually satisfied. That she wants or needs to masturbate is entirely her business. Masturbation is a very private thing. Unless there is a severe addiction, there is no reason to interfere in anyone’s self-pleasuring habits. Are you satisfied with your sex life? What exactly do you mean by saying that your sex drives are polar opposites?

OP, do you. If you're only attracted to women who fit within a certain bracket, then you don't have to be apologetic about it. If you're feeling guilty because you think it's shallow, don't. Dating is the one sphere in life where we're allowed to have preferences, however shallow or discriminatory they appear to be to other people. Sometimes our preferences set us up to fail. So be it. If your preferences cause you to set unrealistic standards for women, you will have failed relationship after failed relationship. That will just be life balancing things out. Perhaps you will learn your lessons and grow; perhaps you won't. If you were only attracted to women of your race, then I'd say date women of your race. I'd say, have the intelligence not to go around telling women of other races that you find them unattractive; just quietly do your thing. Believe me, emotionally healthy women of other races would not be thrilled to hear that a man who didn't find them attractive wanted to date them out of pity or a misguided sense of fairness. By the same token, if knowing that a woman is older than you turns you off, then don't date women who are older than you. I think you did the right thing when you selected your age preferences on the dating app/site. That's was you being honest about what you liked. If a woman chooses to disregard your preferences by lying about her age, well, she's setting herself up for rejection. Oh, and FWIW, I once dated someone who lied about his age on a dating site. He told me the truth about it when we were setting up our first date. I went on to give him a chance, but, ultimately, the age difference ended up hurting our relationship. Our ages translated into our wanting very different things out of life... For instance, I wanted kids and he didn't. But he had initially said he was open to having kids. To date, I don't know whether he organically changed his mind along the way because he had time to really think about how having kids with me might change his life. Maybe that's what happened, or maybe he also initially lied about wanting to have kids because he knew that I wouldn't rule him out if he said that.

Wow, thank you! This is exactly what I wanted to hear. Believe me, I understand what I am being put through and kind of personality that I’m fighting against. As I indicated my problem is that because I have some severe childhood abandonment issues that rose to the top after this betrayal of somebody who , I loved I’m having a hard time detaching, but it is getting better every day and messages like that help.! Thank you again

How about just knowing that maybe sometimes she just wants some individual time? what if her using her vibrator has nothing to do with you? are you satisfied with your sex life?

My wife (of 29 years—we are in our early to mid 50s) has never been one to actively initiate intimacy. I came to accept that many years ago. But here lately, I’ve found out that she has been using a massage gun to masterbate. A lot of times it is after brushing off my attempts to initiate sex with her and sometimes even while I’m out running an errand for her. I tried recently to talk to her about it, but it ended with an argument. Our sex drives are really polar opposites, but I do really love her and being unfaithful to her is not nor ever will be an option. To put our experiences into perspective, I always try to make it about her first. I have introduced toys, new positions, etc over the years to try to keep it exciting. I never force anything on her to make her uncomfortable. She has almost always had multiple O’s (occasionally a squirter) and loves to receive oral almost as much as I love giving. What could it be that I’m missing? What is going on that I can’t seem to get ahead of?

In other words, he is a total loser who can only attract women that have no self-respect. Why you’d willingly be one of those women, in any capacity whatsoever, is beyond my understanding.

She is a liar and she took away your right to decide for yourself if a woman's age is right for you. It's not up to her to decide that for you. I did it once. A man I started dating told me he lied about his age by 5 years. At the time I was a bit naive so I forgave him and the relationship continued. I discovered over the 3 years we dated that he was very comfortable with lying. He lied several times about little things and big thing. She is a liar. End of story. People that don't have integrity online don't have integrity in real life. Don't kid yourself.

Focus on this, it's the truth. Cut this dirt-bag, and anyone associated with it, out of your life for good. Every time you give it the time of day you're feeding it's ego, every time it says goodbye it goes away smug in the knowledge that you haven't been able to move on. Why do I refer to her as "it"? Because that's what narcissists are, they're not a person, they're an 'it' because they lack humanity and they're empty. If you choose to keep it around you'll never find someone decent again.

Eight years ago, I met my second wife. She had just lost her husband, and I was separated from my first wife after a 15-year loveless marriage. We trauma-bonded instantly. Red flag #1. I jumped into a blended family thinking I could manage it. I couldn’t. My kids never fully accepted my new life, and my ex poisoned the well. Her daughters didn’t get much from me either because I was split between everyone. Red flag #2. I also didn’t realize until the end, I’d married someone deeply insecure, narcissistic, emotionally unstable, and dependent on attention—though incredibly attractive. Red flag #3. For six years, the relationship was “amazing” on the surface, except for the few times a year she’d drink and turn into a completely different, hostile person, then apologize the next day. Red flag #4. Eventually, it all blew up. After a small argument, she met a guy, lied about it, and I discovered the truth through her phone logs. Within an hour of confronting her, she filed for divorce. Clearly she had planned this.Her reasoning, you did not give me attention and were not a present stepfather. Then came the insanity during separation and even after divorce was final: repeated cheating with the same man, constant apologies, empty promises, hot/cold behavior, “I love you/I don’t know/I need time,” selfies to him on Valentine’s Day while we were in NYC trying to fix things, and finally confirming she went back to him—again—after the divorce was final. My therapist says I have abandonment issues, and it makes sense. This whole thing feels like a trauma bond. She’s manipulated, lied, cheated, gaslit, and destroyed trust over and over, and yet I’m still hooked. I know she’s dating him (and even someone else) and has taken vacations with him. I’ve dated too, even slept with other people, and that is OK as we are not single, but she’s still in my head. It’s been over a year. The last four months we’ve been physically separated (no sex), but we still talk here and there, meet for coffee, and I know every interaction resets the wound. I’ve tried no contact. Blocking. Emails out of anger. Emails out of heartbreak. Nothing sticks. I wake up thinking of her. I go to sleep thinking of her. And I know this has to stop, but I can’t cut the cord no matter how hard I try. And she continues to bread crumb about how she is selfish, wasn't to enjoy single life but sees a future where we will be together because she wants me in her life, because she still has "love for me" It is insanity that I am allowing this. I need to reset, because this is consuming my life. What to do?

This post certainly rings a bell with me, I'm going through similar except I'm in your wife's position, so please forgive me if I vent a little. I have recently agreed to get back together with someone I broke up with a year ago. One of the main reasons I dumped him is that he rarely spent any quality time with me. Key word, 'quality'. He thinks that having dinner at the same table every evening counted as 'time together', which it does in a way, but it was always super hurtful watching other couples do stuff together while I would spend most weekends on my own. Always had time for his mates, (like you with your golf), I didn't even get a once a month date night even though we talked about the issue and he agreed he needed to put in more effort. We've only been back together a month and already there's next to zero effort on his part, just like the first time around, so I'm having second thoughts about him because he's a self-absorbed clown. My dad was like you too, but my mother had a great way of dealing with the neglect, she stopped hoping my father would become the sort of guy who kept the romance alive and instead had a series of affairs. Some men deserve that, you sound like you might be one of them. I can tell you this, if your wife has started making plans that don't include you she's already on her way out the door. If I was her I'd probably have driven the message home with your nine iron by shoving it up your rear for you.

He's definitely not playing you if he were he wouldn't have told you he didn't feel anything romantic for you. No guy tells a woman he wants that. I would take him at his word.

Most married men don't want their side pieces sleeping with other men because there's a lot of STDs out there and they don't want to pass that on to their wives and get caught or infect her. I wouldn't be so flattered by that if I were you. It's doubtful that even if his wife left him that he would settle for you. Most MM in affairs who get divorced rarely move on with their side women but move on to someone totally new. They don't want to be reminded of what ruined their marriage and want to start anew.

i'm genuinely curious.. What are the reasons he's the type of man you actually WANT something more with? It doesn't seem as though he wants to be more in your life..

At the end of the day, this guy is an enormous loser. It's unclear why you are scraping the bottom of the barrel like this, but it's your life to live. Throwing yourself a pity party when you know exactly the type of man you're dealing with isn't productive. You were also a party to his cheating, so I don't think that you can expect much sympathy. Your behaviour here hasn't been very good, either. You reap what you sow, in other words.

She broke up w him 7 times, moved out, then came “right back” as he put it. She was aware he hid her, hadn’t divorced his wife, and was cheating massively with me and stayed. Until I guess one point she left for good. And his wife takes ALL of this crap, being aware of 3 affairs and not divorcing him

You have very little self-rrespect, which is not attractive to men. He sees that he can treat you like an option and you'll not only serve that up to him, but also go chasing right after it. Notice that the woman he wants more doesn't take his crap the way you do?