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Like a human being

It was an incredibly bad idea to turn your whole life upside down for this man on the other side of the world who you weren't with in person. You never truly know a person if you aren't spending time with them in person consistently. And it's weird that his family was so enmeshed in your relationship. Just pick up the pieces and let this be a learning experience. Next time don't do long distance relationships.

And, I'm sorry but you probably won't.

I thought you said he already said he would send your things back to you. You told him you didn't want any money from him, and you also rejected his parents offer to compensate you for the trip. If you are broke, what were you thinking to tell them that you didn't want the money? If you go back and ask now you may not get it.

Update: I finally worked up the courage and approached her when she looked at me. All I did was introduce myself and said "ive seen you around occasionally". That's it, and went back to my workout

There isn’t supposed to be a visa in my passport for this type of permit. Some countries put a visa sticker in the passport, but others don’t. They approve the application first, and then you get the physical residence card after doing biometrics at the embassy. My case follows that normal system. It wasn’t processed by a third-party agency and nothing unusual has happened.

This still sounds odd to me. Do you mean a thid-party agency assisted with your visa application? And the visa is currently in your passport? I am focusing on this because I have a strange feeling about a couple things here.

Unfortunately, I have very expensive items that are probably arriving to his address this week and I need them to be returned. I was also promised that he would try and figure out how to provide me compensation for my financial losses, but that was last Saturday and I haven't heard anything about that since. I wonder if he is even going to go through with that.

one of the bigger questions here is, did you actually go on a romantic date, or is this just something you're idealizing in your head? because if YOU have different ideas than she did, and maybe she was there looking to meet men and not aware that you had this romantic crush on her, then she may be thinking it was weird you sat around waiting on her instead of trying to hook up with others.

Maybe "enmeshed" is not quite the correct word, but our families were comfortable with messaging us, facetiming, and checking in. While long distance, we would get together with each other's friends online and play games together pretty infrequently, but when together in person we would all hang out much more often. A couple of years feels natural to start becoming quite close with your boyfriend/girlfriend's family and friends, but maybe I'm wrong. It seemed very important to him that I meet his friends and got on with them. That is just one of the many reasons why none of this makes sense, why nobody in his circle has reached out to me to see how I'm doing (which is obviously not their responsibility but we were all fairly close), and I wonder what he told his parents and friends to make them even agree to just dump me without talking to me first, hours before I was to leave. They are all incredibly smart people that I respect, and it all seems so out of character for everyone involved.

this. many states have public court records available to see exactly what is happening, documents filed, etc, and so you can go review the divorce decree yourself.

Everything was done through the country's migration services and I received my visa / permit two weeks ago. The email I received stated that they were voiding the contract and notifying the proper authorities, which I am assuming means migration services. I'm not entirely interested in calling the authorities, because international calling is quite expensive, and because I'm not really sure what else it would do for me. I did not need to go through an embassy in the states but I had an appointment to go to the respective country's embassy to get fingerprinted and my photo taken for the residence card. I did not get that far, obviously.

^^ all of this. you're talking about government issued documents here, his family has nothing to do with your government issued papers.

There's no such thing as "closure". There's no reason to think that talking to him would make you feel better or resolve this for you anyway. "Closure" is a gift that you give yourself-- a conscious choice you make-- to leave something in the past and stop dwelling on it. Someone else can't give you that. Just because you're having these dreams, that doesn't have to mean that you are hung up on him. Don't make more out of this than it is. People dream about all sorts of things that were significant in their lives. It's ok to think about someone who was important in your past, and it doesn't have to mean anything. Just let the thoughts pass and don't make more out of it than what they are... simply thoughts.

I have also had a work visa for an EU country (and now I am a permanent resident so no longer need the visa) Did you acquire the visa through the Embassy? Again, his family cannot "void" this visa. They can terminate the contract, yes, but it's not like they can just call up the Embassy and have your visa canceled like that. That is not how it works. I am not suggesting the contract was not legitimate or even that working for his family was a bad idea, but the whole procedure here sounds strange and as though there are some pieces missing. The Embassy or Consulate would have already issued you the visa, and if you were meant to fly just last week, it should still be valid so it is unclear why you say you "had" a visa. Is the visa already in your passport? When does it expire? There is a reason I am asking these questions, by the way. I will wait for some clarification from you first, though.

I didn't really think that this part mattered that much, but I had a work visa where I was an employee for his family which they suggested I do so that I could come before the start of the school year and gain some working / language experience. I was to be paid a normal amount and work a normal amount, the contract was very ironclad. I suppose now that I re-read it, it seems confusing that I would mention their family would terminate the contract, but this is the reason why. I also see that they might have been doing me a disservice by doing this, but it seemed like a great idea at the time and I had no issue working under them.

You need to move on. If he's not responding to you, it means he's done with having to pursue a relationship, romantically and a friendship. Most guys, when women reject them or when they do call off a relationship, they're done permanently and they move on with their lives. I would hope that years down the road they're, at least, respectful towards them, but, for the most part, to avoid anymore hurtful memories and to not give off the wrong impression, guys just simply stop talking to them altogether. They especially won't talk to you if you're already in another relationship. If you want any sort of clarity, you have to accept that it's been 5 years and your ex no longer has feeling for you because you both decided to call it off for reasons that are your own. It took me awhile to get over a woman I had feelings for. I thought maybe we were going somewhere and that things were going to be great once I started to take her out, just the 2 of us. It was a friend of mine, and we did a lot of things together in 2 years. With friends, with her family, you name it, and back last year (May 2024), she said she wasn't interested. Broke my heart, and it damaged it further when she got a boyfriend later that year. The dynamic as to why we're still friends to this day isn't because of her but mainly because of her sister and brother in-law, since, over the course of those 2 years, I became friends with them. Even though I'm over her, there's time where I do think about that time and if things were different. Would things have been better if we were together? I can't answer with certainty, but does it really matter? Not really. It's been a year and a half, and around that time, she was having family problems and I was going through financial issues, so if I had to answer, probably not. Yeah, it would have been disappointing because we got along so well, she was very nice, beautiful, and had a lot in common. But some things are never meant to be. That's what makes moving on difficult, accepting truths. In my case, it may have been that I was never her type, regardless of the events she invited me to and saying that she loved me. In your case, I can't speak for since I don't know the specifics, but even then, I would only assume disagreements and maybe starting to grow apart from each other since your lives would start to become different from one and other. Despite the good things that may have happened between you and your ex, you can't forget as to why the breakup happened in the first place. Although you may still have some feelings for him, understand that your current boyfriend is there and now. If he's been treating you right and you have towards him, then make that a focus point. Eventually, those feelings for your ex will fade. And from what it sounds like, your current boyfriend's a good guy, so that would be another reason to move on from your ex. So whatever it is in your life right now needs to be your focus, not your past.

You're 32 not 52. I think you need to relax a bit. I'm the same age as you and I can take things too seriously as well, but I read your posts and it looks like the same frustrations even more ramped up. It reads like a guy playing a game, frustrated that hes still only on level 3, panicking and trying to use cheat codes to rush to the end and say he's completed it. You can't rush where you are in life. I think if you can have fun and take everything a bit less seriously (which starts with yourself rather than dating) and just enjoy the ride rather than seeing it as a catastrophy that you aren't "further ahead" in your own mind, things will then naturally start to take their course a bit more. If you treat meeting your life partner as a chore rather than fun, thats what its going to feel like whenever you meet someone, as youve recently discovered.

You're right that some people get into ill-informed marriages in a rush, why does that mean you should do it?

What closure woudl you have wanted, and how did the break-up actually happen?

Well, you see, there’s the error in your thinking. Nothing is perfect. Relationships, perhaps least of all. A good initial impression means very little in itself, it’s just a stepping stone towards the real thing. Why is that insane? That’s a valid opinion. And kids being expensive and at least occasionally loud and annoying is simply a fact. Next time, don’t plan so much and don’t rush into things like you did. Your chances of success will be quite a bit higher.

Can I explain my exact thinking? We met in May and everything was perfect, felt chilled all the things I now question weren’t an issue then. She felt adaptable as she would come to my house a lot and it felt like she understood it’s because of the dogs. We only live 15 mins apart (never dated someone that lives that close) so going to hers wasn’t an issue. After maybe 3/4 months I mentioned in a jokey way about what she thinks about kids. I was tired of dating people with no actual end goals in sight. My ex had nothing in common with me and hated kids, so she would say insane stuff like why do I want to buy a 3 bedroom house? Kids are expensive and annoying and loud (I never ever even mentioned having kids). So when I met my current partner and we seemed to be on the same wavelength it was a breath of fresh air. Fast forward 6 months and all the stupid arguments have been because of her. She said ‘why do you always talk about work, I can’t be your therapist in having issues of my own’ when I literally didn’t always talk about work I was talking about things that just happened and people trying to sue me for no reason. Then the whole she was sick and I expected her to come to me, which wasn’t the truth. She said she was coming to me after work at 9.30pm and then she didn’t even raise it, it came up in another ‘discussion’ that she actually would’ve liked me to say I should come to her, like I’m psychic. Anyway recently I don’t know what is pushing it, she has been bringing up moving in together, frequently. This is a 360 from the beginning of the relationship where she said living apart is best. She also said let’s make a concerted effort to get pregnant and if not by May/June let’s do investigations. This is the final straw. I feel disgraced that I’m the only one mentioning marriage and it’s word salad when I do. She would most likely completely change once the child is born. You may say I’m mad from the beginning, but if she wanted to get married first and consolidate things and then take a day at a time, this thread probably wouldn’t have happened. I don’t want to be like her in my 40s and regretting stuff and feeling to rush. What I’m trying to say, is what commitment should she show that I will feel comfortable or she would feel comfortable? Marriage can be broken, moving in together can be broken, relationship can be broken. There isn’t any guarantees so eventually when I do this stuff, it’s going to be a risk. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is looking past this now, I’m feeling very confused and fragile. I don’t want surface level relationships (ultimately a waste of time), but I also can’t trust people again with this big stuff. I’m 32, and date within my age range, meaning whoever I meet this is an imminent discussion. It’s just so dreary now after this experience.

He was definitely not the one. There was no long-term potential here, and it wasn't because you didn't plan enough. You're placing way too much importance on the first few dates. He told you after the fourth date that he wasn't really into it I don't see how things were therefore great in the beginning. They'd barely gotten off the ground when he hit you with this. I get that the first few dates were okay but it seems you got far too ahead of yourself in thinking this was going to be great. Try to keep better perspective next time and don't let men like this walk into and out of and back into your life.

Hey all, For the last few months I have been having semi regular dreams about my ex boyfriend from about 5 years ago. For clarity, things ended abruptly from his end when I left for school so at the time I received little closure. We are also both currently in seemingly healthy relationships and these dreams are not inherently romantic or sexual. The dreams usually entail us reconnecting or having an established friendship, talking things out, and having mature conversations about the past and our current lives. I've started to become attached to the ideas in these dreams and honestly often wake up sad from them. I feel like I need to get this off my chest, but 1. there is no possible way I can get this clarity from him in real life as I don't want to be weird and we haven't spoken since the break up— I even messaged him months later just to check in and got no response, so I don't think I can be the one to reach out ever again (and we are both in relationships and I would personally feel weird if my partner messaged their ex no matter the intention) and 2. I would feel very weird and awkward talking about this with my current boyfriend because I would certainly feel weird if I was in his shoes and I don't want him to misinterpret my feelings or become upset. Google tells me I am craving feelings of closure and clarity, but why now and what do I do when there is no way of achieving it?

I don't really think I can name examples of people who continued to suffer long-term after ending poor relationships, no. The immediate break-up and some months after may sting obviously, but not long-term. Not if the person is of sound mind in a healthy emotional space.