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Don't be so quick to give credit to guys who don't really have much going for them who are still able to get women to commit to them. In reality many of those guys have just found a certain type of girl that they can manipulate. For instance there are a lot of guys who prey upon emotionally vulnerable women and completely take advantage of them. Not in regards to sex but they convince these women to fund them because they act like they are being emotionally there for them. All the while living off them. Many of those guys are even worse then the ones who are using women for sex. At least the ones who are using them for sex aren't trying to bleed their bank accounts.

Those are fair points, thanks for your honesty. I suppose I am a bit judgmental in this situation, maybe that stems from the resentment I'm starting to feel. You're probably right that she has been out of the door for a long time, and that's ok, my sole focus right now is on figuring out the best path forward for my kids and myself. I think you and the other posters are helping me confirm that separation is the only real option. On your question about being the primary caregiver, it's hard for me to say, we both do a lot of things for and with the kids. I wouldn't say either of us is any more primary than the other. Perhaps I'm rigid too, although I think I did a disservice by not elaborating on a few things. I don't consider her terribly enmeshed with her family just because she speaks with them on the phone. She has been enmeshed with them for quite some time. Her mother controls a lot of aspects of her life, and she admits this and calls it "toxic" but also says she doesn't want to try to change it, and has suggested that she is just ok with the toxicity of it. I only mention the phone thing because she has started to try to have them around, either on the phone or in person, much more frequently since all of this came about a few months ago, which is why I speculate (and I recognize that it's speculation on my part) that it has something to do with avoiding our situation. Could be wrong though. I also don't think her therapist is a problem just because he believes in new wave stuff. My issue is that she says her therapist has suggested to her that I'm a "resistant energy" that is an obstacle to her "energy" achieving what she wants it to. I find that this line of thinking has helped foreclosed any possibility of her being open to fixing our relationship. When this first starting coming up, I asked that we work on our relationship through solo and couples therapy and she agreed, but after talking to him she is not interested in doing anything but being "married business partners." I also find this line of thinking to be new wave, which is why I described it that way. Again, could be wrong there, just how I see it. The other person's choice of pronouns is relevant to me because it (along with the other things I mentioned) suggests a nontraditional approach to life, which is consistent with how my wife has changed her view of marriage. When we were married, a traditional marriage was very important to her. Ceremony, public vows, rings, preacher, father giving her away, etc. I believed her vows and I meant mine, and I would not have married her had she suggested that we be "married business partners" at that time. Now she has a nontraditional view that is wholly at odds with where she was just a few years ago, and I think this nontraditional person has influenced that. I don't mention the pronouns in order to disparage or even cast blame, but I do think it's fair to observe that a) using they/them pronouns (and the other things I mentioned) is nontraditional and b) it's likely that this person has had a substantial influence on how my wife has become significantly more nontraditional. Having an honest conversation about that is ok. Honestly I don't even hold any negative feelings toward this person...they aren't the one who married me, they're free to talk to whoever they want, I just previously would have expected that my wife wouldn't pursue it. Again, I appreciate the feedback, and you've given me some things to consider. I'll continue to evaluate whether I'm being too judgmental or rigid. I also understand if you don't agree with my perspective on the things above. But I think you do agree that regardless, a separation is inevitable at this point. Thanks for the perspective!

You do NOT build a healthy bond through deliberate intermittent reinforcement. You can build a dysfunctional relationship that way. Intermittent reinforcement (getting a like or response one out of every 20 times you check your site) is a way social media companies foster digital attachment and addiction. Intermittent reinforcement was a gimmick that t The old-school pickup guys would use this strategy, but they were just trying to have sex. And the pick-up guys were deliberately trying to make women feel insecure. None of that works for a good long-term relationship. People in long-term relationships rebel against treatment like that these days. And even if people on the receiving end of this hot-and-cold treatment stay in the relationship, they shut down emotionally, which kills the relationship. There are other ways to create excitement, fun and surprise in a long-term relationship. Are you in a long-term relationship?

It's simple...emotional connection just isn't there. Your focus throughout your post is all about the physical...the sex, the making out, having all your ducks in a row financially, fit and healthy, good looking enough to getting your foot in the door, being respectful, able to set boundaries, not a pushover, etc. The truth is women want to be intellectually stimulated. We think, feel, and make decisions with our emotions. Some men are able to tap into that, some don't. That's why you will see a guy that has nothing, isn't all that, but is able to get women to commit to them. Maybe find some self help books that will help you gain the knowledge to connect with women better.

Non-monogamy isn't necessarily a toxic environment for your child if it's something that both people are happy with, but if you feel like you couldn't be happy in a relationship like that (which is completely understandable and I wouldn't be either), then it's fine to leave as well. FWIW it sounds to me like your wife has been on the way out for a very long time - most people don't get up one day and decide unilaterally that they want to be non-monogamous out of the blue despite being happy in their relationship. So it's likely that a split is best for everyone involved. Custody wise you'd obviously need to get legal representation, since nobody here is an attorney in Texas (as far as I'm aware, anyway...). Is she the primary caregiver? If she is it's possible that she will get the bulk of the custody, but your attorney might be able to advise you on how you can get joint custody. Honestly, you do sound slightly judgemental towards everyone in her life - her parents, her therapist, her friend, her other "friend". She's talking on the phone with her parents, and you consider that to be "terribly enmeshed" and a "way to avoid dealing with you"? Her therapist is a problem because she believes in "new wave stuff"? Her "friend" - okay well I'm with you there, I wouldn't be keen on this person wanting to hook up with the partner either, but how is their choice of pronouns even relevant??? So yeah, I do agree with your wife that you sound quite "rigid". It's possible that she's gravitating towards people who are the polar opposite of you as a way of seeking some balance in her life. If she's cheated, then obviously she's in the wrong and none of this matters, but I don't know if she has. But yeah, probably best to leave and seek legal help. It doesn't sound reparable at this stage even if you wanted to try.

I mean, this is like a 30% rate? Which is perfectly normal IMO, and in fact I'd consider it quite high. It's understandable that you are frustrated, of course. For the relationships that ended, do you know why they ended?

To piggy-back on this, I also think it bears repeating that it would be at odds with OP's own view of what a life partner is. For her, it clearly involves at least some integration of her relationship and her family. She is understandably unlikely to be happy keeping these two important parts of her life separate. Suggesting to her to just attend family events alone and let boyfriend be is obviously not going to be a workable solution for her, or she wouldn't be here twisting herself into knots trying to find a way to make her boyfriend okay with this idea. She can't force him to be a bigger part of her life that way, of course. And he can't force her to be okay with this continued resistance to meeting her family. But they can (and should) each think long and hard about whether this relationship really is viable anymore. There is a pretty significant incompatiblity here.

That can work but in my experience most of the women comfortable in taking over the scheduling and what not that early on in the process are the exact same types the OP is being weary of. The ones who will be inviting a guy back to her place after the date is over......and sometimes before the date even happens.

You could just ask for her thoughts rather than volunteering yours up front. The idea would be to learn whether she's reflected and figured out that she's a lesbian, or that she's bi-sexual and what that means to her. If she's in a place that loves you as she would a family member, despite recognizing that you're not compatible romantically, there are ways to approach learning this without a full frontal confession that puts you out on a limb. If you find yourself unable to speak openly about this, then that can tell you what you need to know. Simpatico means alignment, which fosters open communication. One can be open without spilling guts. Think of a spectrum and raise your vulnerability gradually depending on the outcome of each progression. If you reach a place that halts you, that's your answer.

Yes, exactly. I can appreciate expressing enjoyment of a date and wanting to get together again; I'm not advocating for being uncommunicative. I can even see scheduling a second date pretty closely to the first and being proactive about that. But afterward, I'm cautioning against glomming onto someone and not allowing for breathing room and reciprocation. Women don't need to be 'sold,' that's patronizing. It demonstrates insecurity, and nobody wants that. It might be helpful to say you really enjoyed a date and offer that if she'd like to see you again, you're open to her picking the next one. Think of it like reaching out to touch fingers instead of grabbing her arm and pulling all the time.

I have never really felt that pulling back and waiting to set up another date until another time was a very good plan. Doing so can easily send a signal to the lady that you yourself aren't that interested and she will quickly move on to another person communicating with her who is pursuing her harder. Unless she has a big crush on him she will often lose interest very quickly if the guy is being very casual about pursuing her. There is definitely a middle ground that needs to be reached about not over pursuing but not under pursuing.

I think you've been doing well, and you're getting frustrated by natural odds. Most people need to meet a lot of bad matches before finding good potential, and even then, dating is about exploring whether the match is mutual and sustainable. In most cases, not. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it? Here's one possibility. Do you pull back enough to allow for reciprocation? If not, your pace may be too arduous for most women to keep up with. For instance, even after a fabulous date, I need time to reflect and process. If the guy phones next day and wants to schedule again, my first impulse is to want to ask if I can get back to him. I just need a breather. Are you giving women a breather between dates? Do you ever allow them the time and space to reach out to you to propose a next date? If not, try pulling back a bit. You may be exhausting women. You may be teaching them that partnering with you might feel a bit suffocating, and that could be what they are responding to. Consider the value of autonomy during relationships.

It's fine if this works for you and your relationship. But this isn't the norm, and not something to base general advice on. It feels like not being willing to fully integrate into a partner's life, and it's rather immature.

I personally appreciate a man who's honest and communicative about their intentions early on, so I can act accordingly. Perhaps it's because I'm no serial dater and look for intentionality in connections. Knowing what a man is looking for provides me with clarity - not guessing or having to decipher behaviour. Sharing your intentions early on, will either invite those who want to get to know you on a deeper level, or it will reveal who does not want the same as you. My humble advice would be to get curious about what these women are looking for "in that perticular season of life", and see if it matches yours. Do this BEFORE sharing too much of yourself emotionally and physically (as it seems we might be similar there). I appreciate this way of thinking in a man. Intention is key and being a man with integrity and having good manners will take you far I agree! This adds more depth to the relationship and sex would feel so much better when it feels genuine.

You've hit upon something which is constantly on my mind related to this situation. I really don't want to sound ungrateful for the attention, it feels nice to be desired, to attract someone enough for them to want to get physical with me. I genuinely take that part as a compliment, especially the implication that they feel safe enough with me to let themselves be attracted and open about it. It's simultaneously humbling and a huge confidence boost. However, on the flipside, it can get pretty demoralising when that's where the interest stops. It can feel as though they're not all that interested in me as a person, in who I am, not just what I am, if that makes sense. And, yeah, I get that it's primarily a difference of priorities and most of the time nothing personal, but still... Sex is nice, genuine emotional connection, attention, interest in my person, curiosity about what makes me me, are nicer to me. Edit: and the latter serves to build upon a worry of mine which constantly rests at the back of my mind, namely that I'm just weird enough to not even be an acquired taste. This is not to mean that I have no confidence in who I am, I like who I am and I've worked really hard to build myself as I am now. But that doesn't help much considering I'm already somewhat of an outsider in pretty much all situations due to who I am. Not gonna change it, because every element exists for a good reason and based on a solid set of values and principles, but... yeah... Sorry if this is too abstract, it's a very specific nuance which I find hard to express accurately. It's not a lack of confidence, it's just that feeling of "otherness." It can get alienating.

It's also not just about family. G, if you and your partner are socially happy--and healthy--despite the exclusion of family, that's great. But that's not the case here. OP mentions only recently opting to push out into the world to try to make some friends and build a social life. That means for 3 years she has not done so. So the two have narrowed their focus down to one another, and while OP wants to spread her wings socially, the BF isn't budging, and he has no desire to seek the help to do so. If OP is at a crossroads in deciding whether to pursue healthy socialization versus a reclusive lifestyle, meeting her family is only the tip of the iceberg. It's the one thing she views as relevant, and I applaud you for seeing that it is not. But if the whole of one's lifestyle is so narrowed that the only thing that seems to ring a bell is meeting one's family, then the problem is far, far larger than meeting the family in terms of overall health and happiness.

To be honest it sounds like you are taking something that is pretty normal for most active daters and turning it into a big deal. There are a lot of gals out there that if she is having a good time with a guy and is attracted to him she will want to reward him in some way and that often ends up being a make-out session, a blowjob or two, and some may be willing to go all the way. It doesn't mean they are actually wanting to turn into his long-term girlfriend. It just means they are currently enjoying being around him and are attracted to him. Women don't get excited nearly as easily as men do so when they do they will at times be willing to please the guy in some way. If those things bother you and you aren't interpreting them the way the lady is intending you to interpret them you might just need to adopt the stance where there will be nothing below the neck until the two of you have officially decided to become a couple.

I'm wondering the same thing.. OP, I would highly consider the consequences of potentially acting on "attraction" alone. What do you actually want from this situation? Are you willing to risk your 10 year marriage and family, especially your child/children - for something potential with a married man?

Oh, sorry, I've expressed it ambiguously! I've dated over ten women, but most of those instances didn't last for more than a couple of weeks tops. Overall, I've had four instances which could be called relationships. Out of those four, yes, the shortest has been 6 months - I cluster this one under "relationship" as we'd both agreed relatively early on that we were exclusive and looking for something long-term. And there have been more instances which didn't even lead to a date, as it was pretty clear from the start that they were only interested in something casual, so I didn't pursue. I do agree with the dynamic you've covered, and it's usually easy enough to tell when someone's genuinely interested in me versus just looking for some fun. I generally try to make sure that's all there is by communicating openly, after which I call it quits.

One could argue that this is exactly what this forum is for - to urge you to pause and reconsider before making a devastating life decision.

Well if many of the situations you are talking about have lasted 5-6 months to years you definitely have the wrong title for this thread. For people who are just wanting sex their interest usually lasts for a few dates (enough time for them to get what they are looking for a couple times) and then they are ready to move on. Situations that last longer then that there usually is a reason the two people are being around each other outside of the bedroom. These ladies you are dating likely are looking for a relationship as well or at least are open to it but a long-term relationship just wasn't working out. I have only had a few instances during my dating life where a purely sexual situation lasted for a year or more and pretty much all of them were situations where the lady had kids around my age so neither of us were wanting to turn it into something more serious. We just had an extreme amount of chemistry so we just kept it going and became genuine friends in the process. I still get together with one of them on rare occasions. In most cases though when sexual situations last longer than a handful of times the two people are usually choosing to be around one another for reasons other than sex unless there is a previously made arrangement.

Well, to be fair, this wasn't very caring of her: This was a pretty serious violation of your trust and she was not forthcoming, from the sounds of it. I don't get the sense that this all came out because she felt telling you was the right thing to do. It appears instead that she was caught, if I understand correctly. This would also reflect very poorly on her. Let's say she is remorseful, though. My bigger concern is that she was looking to get a need or desire fulfilled that you cannot possibly offer her (being with another woman, I mean) This is unlikely to go away so you would need to understand that there is apparently another layer to her sexuality that can't be fulfilled only by you. Could you live with that, knowing she wants something that you can't provide?

Thanks for sharing your perspective, I think you’re right even though it’s going to be difficult. To answer your questions, we knew each other in high school but only started dating in our mid 20s, around 15 years ago. And yes she has always had a selfish streak but it’s never manifested in this way before. I usually thought of it as an inability to understand consequences. Typically she wants something to happen in some way (or conversely to not happen in some way), becomes mad if something else happens, and won’t listen to explanations as to why it needed to happen in that way. A small example - we are almost always late everywhere we go, even to kids’ events like basketball games. I tell her we should be on time, and that it sets a bad example for the kids if we show them that being late is ok, especially when we’ve committed to others who are having to wait for us (for example the basketball team can’t play until we get there). However, she doesn’t share that view and thinks it’s not a problem if people have to wait, and If I try to start getting the kids ready earlier or faster so we can be on time she will get angry or annoyed because she doesn’t want to be rushed. This was also the case before kids, and it also happens when our mutual friends would want to be on time places (so it’s not just when I do it). Same is true when I try to establish a bedtime routine for the kids — she just wants to hang out with the kids until she decides she wants to go to bed, whether thats 9 pm or 11 pm. I try to get them moving toward bed around 8:30 and she is very frustrated by it. She also hates (and that’s a quote) that I engage in my hobby, which is running in the mornings before she wakes up, even though she can’t explain why, and even though she has her own hobby of gardening that takes hours each Saturday and Sunday. Her best explanation so far is that she feels that running is my priority over the family, but when I present her with evidence that this is obviously false (again, I’m running before she even wakes up), she admits that it may be incorrect but it doesn’t matter because she “feels” like it’s the case. There are other examples of smaller bouts of selfishness, but like I said it’s never manifested into something like this before. I do think this is consistent with those smaller examples though. Your point about her thinking about me as an object makes sense. That hadn’t occurred to me before, but it would explain both her general selfish approach and the way she wants this relationship to move forward. The way I would describe it using that term is that she expects everything with me to happen on her terms because I’m just an object that she expects to carry along with her. My views are invalid because why would an object’s views ever matter? So when I don’t go along with her desires she gets frustrated rather than comprising. That makes a lot of sense. Another question — she says that I’m naive because there are tons of couples who have the type of relationship that she wants and I shouldn’t expect that any married couple will continue to love each other for a long period of time. I've called this out as gaslighting and told her that there are tons of couples who continue to love each other and stay together through ups and downs (hence our vows). Not that I think this one can be saved at this point, but any thoughts you have on this subject would be appreciated!

Reflecting on your thead title, do you want it to be the start of something?

Thanks for your feedback. I think you’re right to summarize it as a comparability issue. I hadn’t thought of it in that way before but it’s absolutely true. When we got together 15 years ago one of the things that struck me was how compatible our personalities were. I dated several others before then and had very little compatibility with any of them so when I started dating my wife and we clicked so well it was like a whole new world. That’s definitely gone now, and I think that explains a lot of my sadness about how things have unfolded. I understand that people change over time and it’s best to accept that and move on, but missing the kids 50% of the time will be very difficult, even if the split is better for them in the end. I just want to make sure I’ve done everything I can before pulling the plug. Thanks again!