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Then she doesn’t really love you. There are only three possibilities here: 1) She loves you - in which case she would have broken up with her fiancé. 2) She loves her fiancé - in which case she would have terminated your affair or not started it in the first place. 3) She doesn’t really love either of you but does things for her pleasure and convenience - the actual case…

You love the idea of her… It’s hard for you to give up the fantasy you created around this woman and this relationship. This isn’t love. A woman who truly loves a man doesn’t do this - to either her chosen partner or her affair partner. Someday, you will be forced to let this go because the fantasy won’t serve you anymore… the reality of the situation will be too difficult to ignore and it’s going to be painful. You either feel that pain now, when you have the ability to extract yourself with a modicum of self-respect and without wasting more years of your life… or, you wait and let this relationship die it’s natural course. It’s your decision.

It's not about blame, and I'm sorry if I came off as finger-pointy. It's about recognizing that going straight to the idea of a break-up over a literal bump in the road is not a reasonable long-term relationship strategy. This^. Why press for such a stringent all-or-nothing response on the spot? Someone can not want you to come over without the whole relationship being over. He opened a can of worms. Okay, couples do that--and without necessarily resolving a given issue on the spot, or before one needs to travel, or to the liking of the other. I'm not making this your fault, I'm calling to your attention a knee-jerk reaction to negativity that forced a premature ending you don't understand, as opposed to holding open the space to learn what might have been uncomfortable but also helpful to you--even if you had to wait for him to return from a trip to learn it. While you don't need to answer this here, given that this is the second time you went straight to a push for a breakup with this guy, it might be useful to examine whether you're a bit trigger-happy with your eject button on relationships?

Believe me, I totally blame myself for the end of this relationship. For a number of reasons. But I honestly don't think that's what's happened here. We would have had all the time in the world to discuss this in the café. Or in private - in his apartment. But from the moment we left that café I had the feeling that something was very wrong and that he didn't even want me to come to his place. And then HE started this discussion in the middle of the street. And it wasn't like he tried to explain his feelings to me and I interrupted him and didn't let him elaborate. It was just this weird question. Then I told him that no, it wasn't platonic at all for me. And that I was surprised it felt like that to him. And something like: "I can deal with ups and downs. We can work through everything. But now you opened a can of worms and you're going away for a week and before you leave I would really like to know if you still want to be with me." And then he just stammered and said "I don't know, I don't know... Do I have to decide that now?" I said yes, preferably. And then mumbled "sorry" and left.

Yes, of course we were intimate. We saw each other at least three times a week and were intimate (almost) every time. That's why the whole situation and his question felt so absurd to me. And of course I DID ask him to elaborate ... but he really didn't say much and the whole situation lasted only a few minutes. Plus: I really had the feeling that he didn't want me to come to his place to discuss this any further. We spent at least an hour in that café and he seemed weird the whole time. We would have had plenty of time for an honest conversation there. Then he didn't seem very enthusiastic about me coming to his place (he always was before ... that was the very first time I got these distant vibes from him). And then HE started that conversation in the middle of the street. I think I even said "should we discuss this at your place" (I don't recall every single word that was being said because it was a complete shock. Like a said above: I would have been less surprised about a proposal or if I wanted to move in with him) - but to me it was apparent that he didn't want me to come to his place and that he just wanted out of that situation. But who knows ... maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should have insisted on coming to his place and discussing this further. But he turned around and left ... he obviously didn't want me to come.

Yeah if someone has a learning disability then that would be a reasonable explanation for how they could fall for something that most would notice in just a few seconds is likely a scam. I'm still not convinced though that loneliness is a valid explanation for it. I mean if they are going to be scammed by someone online that would often mean they have regular access to the Internet. Which means they would have access to social outlets like Facebook where you can keep in touch with almost anyone you know in real life no matter how far away they physically live from you. If someone has access to the Internet these days there are lots of outlets available to them no matter if they live alone or not.

My neighbor, who is perhaps gullible but not unintelligent, got engaged to a "general" she met online. He claimed to be stationed overseas in an undisclosed location. She hasn't shared all the details, and I hope she didn't send him money (she doesn't have much), but she clearly believed what was a patently false situation. One day I noticed she was no longer wearing the ring that he ostensibly mailed her. I think it's relatively easy to catfish people who are lonely and/or isolated socially,

You realize that she doesn't love you though, right?

I can't speak for this specific show, though most reality shows are heavily produced. However, I actually know 2 women in real life who've gotten themselves wrapped up in situations like this. One has a severe mental illness and is quite vulnerable. The other has developmental dealys and is similarly vulnerable. I tend to think many of those who fall for catfishing situations to this degree are often already emotionally compromised or suffering from other conditions that leave them prime targets for scammers.

You're absolutely right. I won't even try to deny it anymore. It is selfish behavior. I accept all your criticism. I know what I'm doing isn't right by any standard. But the truth is simple: I love her, and I'm just not ready to lose her—at least not right now. I'd rather be a selfish man with her than a good man without her.

I hear you, and honestly, it hurts to read your comments because I agree with you more than you think. Do you really think I enjoy this? Do you think I want the woman I love to be with two men at the same time? I don’t. I begged her to break up with him first. I wanted a clean start, a 'Western-style' breakup. But she refused. She was terrified of the social fallout and the financial burden on her family. I am trapped between my love for her and a tradition that I also find suffocating. I am not the mastermind here; I am just a man trying to hold onto someone he loves while everything around him feels like it’s falling apart.

Policing someone else's behavior is the opposite of a good deed. It's a distraction away from self-examination and tending your own garden. Curb the urge to throw stones. If someone ever asks you to meddle in their relationship, that's your challenge to learn exactly how much doing so will 'help' anyone.

I occasionally watch some catfish shows on YouTube. Anyways the other day a video popped up on my feed and it was about this girl who had been talking to this guy who of course was stationed overseas and she started sending money to him. I have talked to women before who have said they have sent money to men (I have never asked for money) so I know that happens. The thing about these shows (this YouTube channel is called Catfished and is connected to the Social Catfish site) that makes me wonder if the whole thing is staged or not and all these people are just actors getting paid for their participation (isn't difficult to find struggling actors in California looking to get any kind of gig they can) is that they a lot of times show the FaceTime talks they have had with this person and it literally just is a still image of the person who's photo has been stolen and they are using AI to move the lips to make it look like they are actually talking. That's what makes me think no one could really be this dumb. Maybe they could be though.

The abruptness came from you. He raised an issue to discuss, and you skipped past whatever you could have learned from him about that and went straight to raising a breakup. Perfect way to block intimacy. If I tried raising an issue and, rather than discuss it with me, my partner immediately put me on the spot in the middle of an intersection to decide on a breakup or not, that would pretty much call it for me. That says, "You're never going to get anywhere intimate with me. My problem-solving skills are limited to breaking up, so go ahead and bow out now..." You jumped the gun.

It's not clear to me why he asked you if it felt more like a platonic relationship. Was he talking about his feelings or his perception of your feelings? In other words, was he saying his feelings towards you were platonic,or was he asking if your feelings towards him were platonic? Are the two of you physically intimate, or have you postponed that part of the relationship? Also, it's not clear to me why you immediately jumped to the question of whether he wanted to break up. You should have encouraged him to go into greater detail about what he meant about your relationship being platonic and then asked him what he wanted to do about it. It's likely the outcome would have been the same (i.e. a break-up), but I suspect you would have been more comfortable with it. If you ever find yourself in this situation again, it wouldn't hurt to allow the guy to do most of the talking first. And you don't have to react to whatever he says immediately. Give yourself time to weigh things in your mind first.

If you text first after the date, then after that chat there’s been nothing more from him first, I’d just leave it alone. See if he comes back to you and if not - there’s your answer. Don’t chase men.

I don't think it would get you anywhere, honestly. If someone's feelings have changed due to a past break-up like that, apologizing and expressing regret aren't likely to move the dial. The ship would probably already have sailed, in other words. I doubt it would make his desire return. But again, nobody really knows if that's what led to this. I would be surprised if the past break-up had nothing to do with it at all, but there could well be other factors. I would not text him, as you are not likely to get a response that feels good. This is a man who turned around and walked away, by your account. It's not someone who was invested enough any longer.

If that is the case, it would actually make sense to text him, no? To tell him I'm sorry if I made him feel that way. And that I regret nothing more than that stupid break. And that I'm here if he changes his mind and wants to talk. I'd fight for this relationship. But I'm really scared that the actual explanation is the usual "just not that into me". Or that he noticed something about me during our trip that he hated. Or that he did actually meet someone else. I don't think I would handle that very well.

I think is the plausible explanation, yes. It likely hasn't been the same for him since you ended it with him those months ago, OP.

He's been feeling uneasy since October, no doubt heightened by the fact that you then had a break up and spent 1-2 months apart (not clear on the timeline here - you had a few weeks apart being friends and then a month of NC is what it seems like). He can understand your actions intellectually but still feel unsettled emotionally. I think it's possible you underestimated the impact of your "hiccup." Yes, he took you back but that can be for myriad reasons, not necessarily that he is ready or able to pick up where he left off. You took that time in October to seriously contemplate whether you could make room in your life for this man. He likely took that time to feel baffled and/or hurt. Perhaps he thought he would be able to carry on as before and only recently discovered that he could not. ETA: I am a woman, but I would have a very hard time coming back from a break where a man told me he did not want me in his life (for whatever reason) and then reversed himself.

I honestly don't think so. But I'm apparently not very good at reading people. So who knows.

Maybe he's met someone else.

Sorry, pressed enter to soon and for some reason I can't edit or delete the previous posting. Here's what I wanted to say: Maybe not the break-up, but he definitely sensed that something was wrong and called me out on it. That's when I realized it wasn't fair to sit this out and that I had to make a decision. But I'm an open book and I can't pretend that everything is fine when I'm having doubts. That's what makes this situation so hard for me to understand. Just one week ago we were on this trip together and everything was completely normal. There was nothing off about his behavior. After the break-up in October we were no-contact for about two weeks. Then he texted me that he missed me and wanted to see me. I told him that I missed him, too and that I would really like to see him - but that things hadn't changed for me and I wasn't ready to get back together. So we met a few times just for coffee and to catch up. And after a while it became clear that he actually wasn't fine with the whole "not ready to get back together" thing. So we had another serious conversation where I told him that I REALLY needed time and that hanging out as friends had been a bad idea. After that another month or so of no-contact during which I thought a lot about him, my own fears and avoidant behavior etc. And I realized that I really, really wanted him back and give this relationship another try. So I texted him, thankfully he didn't tell me to f** off and leave him alone (which would have been understandable), and about a week later we were back together. So yes, I get the whole "not being able to let his guards" down thing. My sister has the same theory. But on the other hand I really tried to show him how important he is to me and I know that he saw my efforts. One time I had to cancel one of our date nights and I told him that I was very sorry about that. He said "No worries, it's totally fine." I said "Yes, but I feel bad. I'm really trying to make an effort this time and show you that this is important to me." And he said "I know, I can see that. And I appreciate it." I just don't understand it

Maybe not the break-up, but he definitely sensed that something was wrong and called me out on it. That's when I realized it wasn't fair to sit this out and that I had to make a decision. But I'm an open book and I can't pretend that everything is fine when I'm having doubts. That's what makes this situation so hard for me to understand. Just one week ago we were on this trip together and everything was completely normal. There was nothing off about his behavior. Back then we were no-contact for about two weeks. Then he texted me that he missed me and wanted to see me. I told him that I missed him, too and that I would really like to see him - but that things hadn't changed for me and I wasn

Personally I would not have gone on a date with a man so recently single. Not only single from dating someone but single from living with someone. He was all over the place because he was on the rebound. He had a need to fill the void....and he wanted Hannah. You ended up being the consolation price. Now, all that being said, it does not mean he did not fall in love with you over time. Assess what you have today and judge if it's worth building on. How is the relationship escalating? Are you talking about living together? About marrying? Having children? After 2 years dating, at your age, these questions should be addressed.