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hard to admit b/c its kinda taboo but, im just not good at it. i get nervous, i overcompensate, and i feel like i never really let the other person in. any advice on this? i feel like being honest is good but i also dont wanna emotionally dump before/when thats not appropriate tried apps and stuff but i cant getpast just matching, not sure how to get from lots of matches/likes to actually going on dates, and enjoying them too hopefully.

4 yrs together. I dont even remember who broke it off this time because things were so heated. He reached out by text 18 months after we split asking how I was doing. I chose not to open his message as I was still hurting. As time went on I wondered why he had never checked back in with me to see if I even got his message. I guess I was looking for effort at that point and I assumed if he had wanted to get in touch with me that badly, it is logical to try me again. By text, call, email etc. As days went on and the follow up message never came, I felt better about not replying to his message. It had been a simple breadcrumb. That was 15 months ago. He recently changed his profile photo, something he hasnt dont in 10 years. It is a photo of him and a new woman on a beach down south. The comments show that family members have met one another too. I am beyond broken. What did he want from me a year and a half ago? Did he move on because I ignored him? Does he hate me? Is he mad that I ignored his reach out and posting that photo to make me jealous as in, hey, I won the break up? No. he is genuinely happy. All the stories I told myself about hope and reconciliation us, changing and building, us growing together. It all came down when I saw that photo. I cant even function.

4 yrs together. I dont even remember who broke it off this time because things were so heated. He reached out by text 18 months after we split asking how I was doing. I chose not to open his message as I was still hurting. As time went on I wondered why he had never checked back in with me to see if I even got his message. I guess I was looking for effort at that point and I assumed if he had wanted to get in touch with me that badly, it is logical to try me again. By text, call, email etc. As days went on and the follow up message never came, I felt better about not replying to his message. It had been a simple breadcrumb. That was 15 months ago. He recently changed his profile photo, something he hasnt dont in 10 years. It is a photo of him and a new woman on a beach down south. The comments show that family members have met one another too. I am beyond broken. What did he want from me a year and a half ago? Did he move on because I ignored him? Does he hate me? Is he mad that I ignored his reach out and posting that photo to make me jealous as in, hey, I won the break up? No. he is genuinely happy. All the stories I told myself about hope and reconciliation us, changing and building, us growing together. It all came down when I saw that photo. I cant even function.

There are two separate issues here, the age and the lie. Personally, I don’t think age, per se, is a problem in your case, unless you want kids, which you haven’t mentioned. 10 years would be a big deal if you were, say, 16 and dating a 27 year old woman pretending to be 17. But dating a woman who is only 5 years older than you and looks younger is not something I’d worry about if I were in your shoes. The lie, however, is a more serious issue. I understand putting up a fake age on an online dating app, although this would still rub me wrong even if she told the truth on the first date. But she waited nearly 3 months to disclose that information. That’s not something I’d be happy about if my partner did it.

Your points are valid. Let me look into it, thank you!

There's two possible answers here. One is that she lied, and it's not a small lie when you take into consideration that it's actually very deceitful to draw someone into an emotional connection before telling them something that would have made them reject you as a potential partner in the first instance. No matter how good her values are, this deception would make me view her with suspicion, what other lies might she have told to manipulate you? The other answer is that it's only a five year age gap, it's not like you're dating an OAP, (yet - sorry, just kidding). She's only 5 years older so it's not a huge gap and it shouldn't be a big deal if your feelings are genuine and you see yourself with her as a long-term commitment. If you're a traditional guy, with the many connotations which can go with that, then I'm guessing having a younger partner is important to you for more reasons than just the supposedly superficial, so my advice would be that, no matter how nice she seems to be, someone who lies about their age in these circumstances is someone who cares way more about themselves than they do other people. Proceed with caution.

Met this girl, who actually is a really really nice girl, and in her profile her age was down as 39. We have been seeing each other for 3 months now, and relationship is developing well. I did ask her about her age early in the dating stage, and she said its the same as in the profile, i.e. 39. Very very recently, we were planning to go away, so she said before we book it, I need to tell you something. I lied about my age, and I am 49! I was taken about, and said I need to think about this, and she said why, its not a big deal its just a number. I did say that this is not lying about a couple of years but actually 10 years. She said its because I look young for my age, and I dont want someone that looks old as my dad, and I have dated younger guys who have been fine about it. I am a 44 year old male by the way, and I set a strict dating app filters from 35-45 as I find girls a bit younger than me attractive, and I would not have matched with her at the start had I have known her true age then. The difficult thing is that everything else about her, i.e. her attractiveness, her values, her good heart, connection with me, personality etc are all so so good a match with me, but now knowing this massive 10 year age this is a big thing for me to accept. Especially now I know she will be 50 next year. A lot of people also tell me I look yound for my age. Am I being superficial, and very shallow as I have even thought oh my God her teeth may fall out soon, getting older etc - is this bad of me and should I see just the inner beauty or is this a big red flag? If I continue the relationship I am not sure if I will stop thinking about this. I would like to add that we both are very clear in wanting a long term partner, and neither of us are interested in a short term fling or anything like that.

I know, I very well will learn the hard way here but a part of me feels that she provided enough plausible deniability to give her the benefit of the doubt. The only time I’ve ever seen her text him was when she texted him (among others) asking to pick her brother up when she, her mother and sister physically couldn’t. She talked about it like he was just a convenience in the moment and she really doesn’t have any good will with him. She has openly admitted that she has been bad about cutting people off who aren’t good in her life Her entire friend group knows the situation that unfolded between them and it clearly had some impact on her since I remember her asking if I was bi on our first date lol. Like I said yesterday, I felt that a boundary had to be set and she seemingly respect it and gave me assurance that she understood why I’d see it as a problem. I’m not emotionally invested enough to overlook every flaw with her but I have a good enough idea of her personality to believe- for now- that she respects our relationship enough to cut that off. If she has tried to argue it or deny anything I would been far more skeptical but she straight up apologized.

Well, this is a load of equine manure. She contacted him to pick up her brother. That has zero to do with feeling obligated to him, and zero to do with his homelessness. My man, you need to wake up a bit here. You have been official for two weeks and already she's trying to sell you her nonsense. I fear you are going to learn the hard way that this is not what the beginning of a good relationship looks like.

I remember your recent thread about this man. It's been on and off for a while. I am not sure I would revisit this, but for peace of mind, you should talk to him about this and put it to rest one way or another.

you need to pay attention to this info. sure, maybe he's being vulnerable and maybe hinting at more, but saying he's not that into you "right now" is still saying a lot, and that's 99% a big "no" and this way he has warned you in case you try to make it into something more than free sex.

I wouldn't blame him for having a bad reaction to that text, personally. From OP it sounds like you are on the same page in terms of getting more serious. It seems a bit of a red flag though that he wasn't serious about you before and now suddenly seems to be. It could be that his feelings have changed, or that he likes the idea of having a woman in love with him but isn't being honest. The only way to really know is try it and see how it feels for both of you. Yes there is the risk of getting hurt but that's life and love.

Yes. I'm a bit worried for OPs sake that he is going to go on this trip, she will give him some scraps of affection to keep him on the hook, and when he then feels "see, I won her over!" she will fade out again and leave him in an even worse mental space.

So the first time we were seriously dating things ended because he asked if I’d change my career path to stay in our city if I didn’t get into grad school here. I kind of hesitated then said yes but he said he didn’t want me to resent him one day. then I got into school in our city. During the whole application cycle I was seeing him casually having sex etc. Then he had initiated more intimate conversations like he’d ask me to be more vulnerable and sweet to him, he’d say things like “I can’t take you out like this if you were this pretty dress (jokingly)” and after I decided to stay here he said we should grab dinner to celebrate your accceptance. Then he would text me sweetly saying we’ll get dinnner in a week once he’s back from his trip. Then one night I drunk texted him “you’re one of my favorites” (I didn’t want him to know I liked him) and he got mad and said I’m one of many? You have many favorites? Then he never followed up on dinner, distanced himself, so I thought he was playing with me and didnt want anything serious so I ended things

Why exactly did you end things with him before?

Yes definitely I do. I would love to settle down with the right man and I’ve been going on a lot of dates recently although I get along the best with this guy. The reason why I’m scared is that when I ended things with him last time over phone, he told me he just didn’t feel anything romantic for me and that maybe it was his fault and we needed to spend more time together. So I’m afraid he’s playing me or that he doesn’t actually like me, although my intuition keeps telling me he’s catching feelings

I'm not sure why you would think this.... from everything you said it sounds like he is interested in it being more. Are you interested in actually dating him and it being more than just FWB?

This has nothing to do with being a "good person". You're acting like a doormat who has no self-respect. When someone has shown you that they clearly have low interest in you, it doesn't make sense to waste any more time.

You're way too much into how can I talk to her about the problems mode. But you're only a couple of weeks in--so you really don't have the right to talk to her that way. The mode you need to be in is Let me see if this woman has her act together and is worth really trying to get to know better. No, you're not dating her yet. You're talking about dating. And yes, I would run at this point.

So I dated this man 1.5 years ago for two months then we broke up and started casually seeing each other every other week or so just for sex Towards the end, he was inviting me out to dinner, having dinner with me at his place, watching shows, hinting at wanting to take me out but it kind of never happened. I ended things with him but we recently reconnected. We hooked up last weekend, then he invited me to go to a workout class with him and then we grabbed lunch after. He talked about his life goals, wanting kids, etc and asked about my grad school timeline. However, I didn’t think much of it since he didn’t ask for another date and didn’t invite me back to his place and didn’t even kiss me. Yesterday he texted me I went over and we hooked up. When we were cuddling after he suddenly asked me “why do you like me? Why do you keep seeing me?” I told him the reasons and then jokingly told him “I know you see me just for the sex” he said no I’m not shallow. The sex is good but you’re very interesting and I like spending time with you. I said yeah we have hot sex. He said yes but I feel lately it’s been more than just sex for both of us. Like that time we grabbed lunch we didn’t have sex didn’t do anything physical but I liked it. I enjoy spending time with you I don’t know yet to what extent but wanted to tell you where I’m at. I said pinky promise me that if you get serious with another girl you’ll tell me (and vice versa) he said of course I will, I just haven’t felt emotionally strong for any woman in the past 4 years. He then opened up about his past relationships, asked me if I’ve ever been in love, if I’d ever stay with a man I didn’t truly love, etc. the conversation was so relieving and not awkward at all and we both felt so calm afterwards. But now I’m kind of wondering if he had this conversation to kind of tell me let’s keep it casual and not catch feelings? Or he’s open to exploring more?

That’s something I could never understand. I felt “crazy stupid love” several times in my life, but it was always for women who weren’t just sexy and beautiful, but also kind and warm, direct and genuinely passionate. Even a hint of “hot and cold” behavior repels me so much that any woman who practices it ceases to be an object of any sort of desire or emotion on my part. I can’t understand how it’s even possible to have any feelings for someone who treats you that way. It’s a huge turn-off. On the contrary, a kind, caring woman who shows her passion for me is always a big turn on. I have only ever developed feelings for such women. And then my problem has always been that I got attached to them, often ignoring some incompatibilities. That said, of course not every kind and caring woman that I met evoked romantic feelings in me. A few times I could have “settled” for genuinely nice women, but there was no passion on my side, so I didn’t initiate relationships with them. My point is that the OP shouldn’t think he is just unable to be attracted to good women. Maybe some important trait is missing. For example, I can’t develop strong passion for a woman with a low libido, or an overly practical woman who doesn’t care much for romance, or a materialistically minded woman, and so on. Probably the OP hasn’t found his true type yet. And I think that neither have you. It takes a lot of time and experience to figure out what we truly want.

I don’t see how this has anything to do with goodness. You don’t trust this girl and you’re already making plans to date another one. Which means that neither she nor you are particularly interested in each other anymore. Going with her on a date while having one foot out the door isn’t an act of goodness, it’s a display of weakness and lack of boundaries.

Kids are more likely to survive a divorce than a life in a household full of hurt, bitterness, deep resentment, and unhappiness. Besides, you can’t sacrifice your future happiness just because you’re afraid that your kid will be traumatized by the divorce. You deserve to be free to pursue your happiness. You won’t get destroyed if you don’t let this destroy you. As for her enjoyment, believe me, it won’t last. Sooner or later, the realization that she has ruined her marriage and hurt a person who trusted her is going eat her soul and make her miserable.

But if someone makes plans to be with you on your birthday of all days, and then just forgets them or doesnt care enough to cancel/reschedule, they are not your friend or your family, they're nothing. They dont deserve to be put in that space. And listen, I get it. A couple of years ago I got totally infatuated with a girl who ended up storming off on our second date after about 30 minutes on the surface of it because she didnt like my restaurant suggestions and I found it hard to understand her accent. I spent months cut up about it feeling like I had blown it and just wished I could see her again. My friends were baffled and wondered why I would want to see someone again who had shown me what they were like and that they obviously didnt particularly like or respect me. Looking back, I can see they had a point.

I think you probably need to work on your self-worth more than anything else. We teach people how to treat us. Think about what you're teaching her.