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Sorry about your experiences. OP is silent, so I'm not sure if they're identical to his/hers. But I will respond to you and hope that my response will also be relevant to OP. I can't help wondering if dating women who were still hung up on their exes was part of the reason for the challenges. It's not a good sign if the person is using a dalliance with you to end things with someone else or if they broke up with someone else recently. Ideally, you should date women who have been single for some time and have gone through the process of mourning the relationship and moving on completely from it. I also wonder (and this might be applicable to OP) how long you think it should take for seeing someone to transition into an actual relationship. If it's a long time, then you need to do yourself a favor and stop seeing these women if a long time has passed and you're not yet in a relationship.

There are a lot of people who have neither. In a world where some people are born with horrible deformities, suffer from extreme diseases, or lose body parts in accidents, your complaints don’t really register as substantial. What a strange question. Life isn’t a competition. Theological issues aside, happiness isn’t something you just get from either God or any other external source but yourself. Yes. Always compare yourself to people who are less fortunate than you, not those that you perceive as more fortunate. You’ll be surprised how high on the list of objective happiness you actually are. Didn’t I tell you about my friends who are shorter than you and have a lot of success with women? Did you even read what I wrote? Regardless, the strange thing is that you consider yourself unattractive yet for some reason expect attractive women to go for you. That doesn’t make any sense. If you aren’t very attractive, then you should try your luck with women who are roughly in the same range as you. There you go again. Why would you expect models to go for fat guys? Female models probably go for male models. Or for men who look like models. Or for men who have some other qualities that would match their own physical attractiveness. I think that you should start working ASAP on what really makes you unattractive to women: your sense of entitlement. You seem to think that you deserve to be with attractive women by virtue of… what, exactly? Being a dude? Entitlement on behalf of the entire gender isn’t any better than personal entitlement. You keep complaining about your life, which is a huge turn off for most women. If you have no enthusiasm for yourself, why would others? Count your blessings, start loving your life, and for goodness’s sake stop thinking about models.

I know you have a therapist, but do you have a psychiatrist? Because it sounds like you're in a crushing depression and need help. And while you're talking about wanting to die, you're not in a fit state to be dating anyway. On a different note, do you have friends? Do you hang out with them and enjoy their company?

I'm a guy who is 34 years old and there's literally always been something wrong with me physically. In highschool and freshman year of college I had really bad acne. Then I had erectile dysfunction cuz of meds. Then I started losing hair. Then I took pills for hairloss which gave me erectile dysfunction again. Now I have rosacea which is a skin condition where my face turns red. Now my rocasea is under control with cream and meds. But now I'm skinny again and want to lift weights. But I read that lifting weights makes the rosacea worse. Now I feel like I gotta choose between having a good body and good face. WHY CAN'T I WIN???? DOES GOD JUST NOT WANT ME TO BE HAPPY?!?!?!?! Any advice? This sh** is making me suicidal and I'm tired of it.... I'm only 5 foot 8 height wise but I'm skinny and in NYC that's not what attractive women go for. (and no looks aren't completely subjective because then we would see a bunch of fat guys walking around with models) Is anyone else going through this?? Is there any hope for me??

There is an episode on the TV show “Friends” where one of the characters explains that if you say that exact phrase (“well, that was fun, maybe we should do it again”) it means that you aren’t interested enough. People who are interested actively set up a date. If you are interested in that girl, text her again and suggest meeting for coffee or dinner or drinks on a specific day. If she can’t that day, ask when she is free and adjust accordingly. But do set up a date, don’t be vague.

Be honest ladies, should I even bother? For a bunch of reasons I've never been able to move out of my parent's house. I'm not paying bills for living but I'm paying for grad school and my Healthcare. I've only lived away from them in college when I dormed as well as lived in an off campus house. I'm trying really hard to get a better job but its hard because I can't gain experience if jobs won't hire me in the first place. I only make 24 an hour in change and am tired of being stuck.I feel like this grad school program is my only option but its in public health and the salaries don't sound promising. I'm 34 btw and really wanna move up in life but its hard because the cost of living here is ridiculous. My mother thinks I should drop this program and take a civil service exam because I don't seem passionate in this path. I wanna help people but I don't wanna be broke doing it. I'm trying to work with the career counselor. Obviously a partner isn't the only reason I want to move up in life but I never had a girlfriend and want to experience a relationship for once.

Yep, you called it, conversation died after an initially promising beginning. Thank you! Moving on!

I think I know what you're talking about. Let me give my take with some examples, and feel free to disagree: I'm not married, no kids, no woman in my life. I'm a 39 y/o man (turning 40 in April). I haven't been in any serious relationship, per se, although, I have gone out with women I thought was going somewhere with. Now, for me, the toughest part for me was the uncertainty, not knowing whether or not a woman likes you the same way you like them. You know what's in your heart, but not whoever the woman is at the time. It drove me nuts because anytime I would think something was going to happen, it was always followed up by uncertainty because the lack of communication and action at times, while others it looks like they want you (when in reality, they're just being flirty but not serious). Probably the worst part of it was I would think about the woman at the time often. Because of the uncertainty, it made me wonder not just whether or not if she wanted me but also what life would be like with her and not, in my mind, screwing it up. One example was a woman back during the year of the CVD-19 lockdowns when some regulations were being lifted. Long story on her, but this was the first of the closest to a serious relationship. She lost her brother and her ex-fiance the same year. In the end, it never worked out between us. But I always took her out, we had fun, talked for hours on end, and shared closest thoughts with one and other. She had a tough way to go growing up and even throughout her earlier adulthood. We shared quite a bit in common, and our families knew each other well. I was thinking, at the time, that she might be able to turn around on being down and we'd be official. We were making plans on doing stuff together, as well. The one thing I thought was how she would interact with my family and friends. We got along well, and her sister and brother in-law are now friends of mine, so I really thought we were going somewhere. The uncertainty kicked in when she ghosted me. I had no idea what was going on and rationalized it to her being depressed over her deceased brother, but it ultimately came down to her missing her ex-fiance, who she said was an awful person. Found out, though, she had the guy's number on her phone, even though it had been over 5 years since they had broke off the engagement. But I didn't know this for certain until over a year later when her sister told me that was the case, so during the time she ghosted me, I simply thought it was something more understandable. It wasn't, and it was revealed to me after this woman called it off with me after I got back from vacation. Drove me nuts because I thought that, maybe, she actually was becoming my girlfriend in its own strange way and just didn't know it yet. Obviously wasn't true, but even still, the uncertainty made me feel so uncomfortable. The next woman actually displayed more signs of interest in the Summer of 2021. She was older but not by much and much more responsive. I met her at a ballroom studio just short of an hour of where I lived. I was trying to get my mind off of the last woman and wanted to do something new, so, before the lockdowns in 2020 happened, my parents suggested to check out ballroom dance because they were doing it socially. I did and enjoyed it, and I've been doing since then with a studio ran by 2 professionals (I compete and showcase, on top of doing it socially). Anyway, to make another long story short, she seemingly expressed a lot of interest in me. We danced a lot together, hung out, and eventually I did go out with her. Like the last woman, I thought we were going somewhere, but ultimately didn't. Of course, like the last woman, there were some uncertainties. Now, we were friends to start but something seemed like it grew. However, there were times whenever we decided to meet up, she'd flake on me. More times than that, though, she hung out and did more than the last woman. When we met, she was seeing the head of the studio and looking to get out of the relationship because the owner wasn't a good person at all. Even still, because of the seeming interest in me, it was uncertain because how do I know if I was being played? Not only that, her flirtatious nature. Made seem like she wanted me. There was one time when she had shown me a pic of herself without her top and putting herself on me on several times. The greatest uncertainty came when other men were chasing her, including a friend of mine who was developing feelings for her. In the end, I had to get out of it because it was becoming too much of a question mark for me to bear, and she ended up with another man (which didn't last anymore than 2 years). In this instance the truth, although disappointing, was much better and I started to feel better, while the uncertainty was not healthy at all. The last example is a woman who I liked the most, and still friends with, although it's not quite the same. She's nice, like me, very pretty, and outgoing. Like the first woman in this post, I got along great with her sister and brother in-law, as well as the rest of her family. We did a lot together, never really had times where she flaked, and got to share a lot more personal stuff. Once again, long story short, we did things together for 2 years, met at the same time as woman number 2 (same dance studio), so we knew each other very well. In the first half of 2024, though, family problems had came up. I couldn't say if it ultimately was the reason why we didn't work out, but but before Summer started, she revealed we were not going to work out. Later on during the Summer, a mutual friend said she got a boyfriend. I didn't believe it at first because she had not have a bf since 3 years prior. She gone out with dudes before we considered each other, but nothing serious. More like dudes that wanted the physical part but nothing of substance. But, later on, out of the blue, I met the boyfriend. Heart broken twice. The uncertainty in situation wasn't whether or not she had a boyfriend, but, at the time, when we were going to be official. I liked her a lot, and she seemingly liked me the same way. We shared a lot in common, had a lot of fun together, invited each other to certain family events, shared a lot of private thoughts with each other, so the question became when, not if, at the time. There were even people who thought we were together, and she kissed me during her birthday. She was practically everything I wanted in a woman, but I couldn't understand the hold up. Was it going to be weird for her to have others see us together? Was she afraid that I might end up being like her ex-boyfriend? What was the fear that she may have had? This was probably not only the most uncertain I was but also frustrated because it felt like I was close to having a serious relationship with the ideal woman. But, like the others, the truth came out and it wasn't meant to be. Driven home twice heart broken, once after she told me we were not happening and the night I met her boyfriend. I had never felt like that in quite some time. After the last woman told me she wasn't interested, a friend of mine was trying to hook me up with a lady friend of hers. I tried, but I just was not into her at all, and since then, I made it a choice just to remain single. There were others trying to hook me up with women they knew, but I just didn't want to go through it anymore. Not because of the fact that there aren't many women that are into me. I can accept that simple fact. I'm just a simple, average man, nothing special to look at, so I have no question at all on that. Rather, it's the uncertainty of a woman who may like me more than just a friend. That's what I'm more concerned about. I've been burned so many times in the past, ending up with heart ache or a broken heart, all because I'm wasn't even sure whether or not the women of the past even liked me or not. I got myself all worked up due to me thinking whether or not something is going to happen. There's a woman that goes to my dance studio who seems very much like the last woman I really liked. She's single, share many of the same beliefs, and we get along good, but that doesn't mean she likes me in that way. I've walked down this path so many times, and each time I do, it seems like I get closer, but when it seems like the closer I get, the more hurt I go through. The truth, although not the most attractive at times, is always better than uncertainty. I would much rather know up front if someone likes me or not rather than guess, especially with women I like. I'm just concluding if there are any that I do like, I'm assuming they're not interested. It's been the story of my life in this regard, so far, and it doesn't look like it's going to change any time soon. I'm not trying to be a downer because, overall, life's been good, but me with a wife and kids in the future, I don't see it happening. That's how many other men feel, too. It's just tough right now, and the last thing we want is uncertainty with the women we like. That's my answer, and I hope this helps bring a better idea on what you'd rather choose over the other.

Right, which is why I said some people are naturally flirty. It doesn't always have to be alcohol-induced. Sometimes it means more, sometimes it doesn't. I think it's worth reaching out to her again. You didn't start a conversation last time so it follows that she didn't really, etiher. You'll only be able to gague her actual interest by seeing if she wants to meet up sometime.

This seems a tad hostile. Nonetheless, thank you for your reply.

I can only speak from my own position of postponing my career and most social and romantic aspects of my own life to deal with elder-care over the last two years. It's one thing to voluntarily handle heavy pressures on a job that one can quit or change at will. It's entirely another to face the unavoidable suffering of loved ones who've raised you and have loved you your whole life. Can you give us more details about the stressors your wife contends with? Is her in-home help required for an indefinite period to avoid the expense and potential neglect from outside services or worse, a nursing home? Have the two of you discussed plans to consolidate your living situations to include living near or with her parents? What can you do to help wife's situation with her parents beyond expecting her to compartmentalize her stress in favor of focusing on you?

I support you in envisioning the future you want to move TOWARD rather than continuing your stagnation in a focus on this man. I encourage you to pursue some counseling or other forms of self-help to learn why you've been willing to limit yourself to making your focus so small for so long. We all do stuff for reasons, and if the idea of finding an available man for a committed relationship is not of interest to you, it may be helpful to figure out why. From there, you can operate on conscious decisions rather than romanticize scraps from someone who clearly owns the capacity for deception and disloyalty. What made it all worth it to you to squelch your own potential this way? What do you intend to change for yourself to enjoy your life beyond this man?

Very well said, and very true! It's a hard lesson to learn, but it sure makes things a helluva lot easier afterwards! Nah, going at it in good fun. Wouldn't see the point in it otherwise, anyway, not planning on finding a relationship which'd kill me with stress-related diseases:))

Yeah, people say and do a hell of a lot of things they dont really mean when they are out socialising, especially if alcohol was involved. Its surely annoying if you value consistency but it isnt personal. If someone turns out to be flaky not your problem.

If wife raises your past mistakes again, ask her whether she wants to consider the two of you working together as a couple on the same side, or whether she wants to regard you as her adversary and continue treating you as such. Ask her if she's willing to pursue couple's counseling to work this out. If not, tell her that raising the same old past grievances again is off the table, then, for both of you, and the first one to bring it up must schedule and pay for your first counseling session. Meanwhile, have you worked with a therapist on your own to figure out how important any of this 'must' be to keep spinning yourself into a deeper hole about it? If you're losing mental self-control as you age, that would be a good place to start for treatment.

Dealing with your marital intimacy requires the help of an expert with a precision tool, not a clumsy slam with a sledgehammer. Discuss with your therapist a referral to a couple's counselor who specializes in sex issues. If you really want to blow up your marriage, then go ahead and blow it up. That's not against the law; it's just not going to buy you anything but the distraction of drama to the detriment of all--and for zero payoff.

Sorry to dredge up old comments, wanted to add a bit of context I'd missed the first time: she was zero drinks deep when the heavy flirting started, I was the drunk one:)) Another major part of why I was mulling this possibility over in my head, otherwise I wouldn't have even considered it if we both had been drunk.

Yep, funnily enough, the fact that I started off by thinking I should drop it has eased a lot of the pressure of actually doing it. I'll take it as it comes and move forward with the info, but I won't take it personally. No point.

Don't poop where you eat is a saying for a reason. Unless you or she is planning to leave the company in the immediate future, it is not a good idea to date a co-worker, especially one you have long, daily interactions with.

Yeah. Over the years Ive learned not to expect too much from someone you meet in a bar, even if shes doing backflips and saying she wants to marry you that night. It's too much of a superficial setting. Protect your peace by not attaching any meaning to the outcome. If she doesnt text back or gives a very flaky answer just shrug and move on. But absolutely give it a shot, why not?

Ah, I was referring to the Instagram thing in a vacuum, pretty much. Exactly what you specify, that I should've given more were I to expect more of a reply, but I don't think I was thinking of starting a conversation when I did. More like continuing the one we had earlier that night.

Thank you! Makes a lot of sense, I was just thinking I didn't want be a creep, I guess.

Thanks so much! My thinking exactly, which is why I was leaning toward dropping the whole thing:)) Anyway, I'll give it a shot and I'll see what comes of it!

Thank you! I'll drop a line later today! To be honest, I only took that Instagram thing to indicate that maybe attraction didn't last through the night on her end, that's all.

Thank you! Wow, this is heading in the complete opposite direction, I was convinced I'd get told to leave her alone=)) I'll drop a line today and I'll ask her out. Didn't want to do this any earlier because I was VERY drunk that night, sole reason:)) As for the stringing along bit, seems to happen with or without my input:))