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I like some aspects of our relationship but not others. I didn't know him that much initially to judge whether I really like his lifestyle. In the beginning it was all lovey-dovey and I saw everything through rose-colored glasses. With time I saw we have fundamentally different needs for closeness etc. I am hesitant to break up with him because I know I will feel terrible and probably become depressive again.

Why would you move together with someone whose interests, lifestyle, and friendship with other people bother you so much? It’s not even about moving in too early anymore - though moving together after 10 months of relationship that included a breakup and reconciliation is, frankly, insane. It’s more about your reasons for staying with a guy you don’t even appear to like very much. Are you with him simply because you’re feeling lonely and insecure?

I really don’t think my comment was judgmental. Also, I wouldn’t call the acknowledgment of the previous testimony “conflation”. How can it be conflation if it helps to shed light on your situation? Also, I fail to see how anything I said can be seen as invalidating your position. Your position is that you aren’t interested in that woman in any way. I believe that you believe that. And I repeat that, in that case, the sooner you stop being preoccupied about her motivations, the more convincing your statement will be. That is exactly what I would have said to my buddy if he kept asking me and strangers on the internet about why “a crazy broad he’d hooked up with” contacted him.

Look, that is fair enough to ask. I'm happy enough to accept that to some here, my thread is evidence that I must still be longing for her in some small way, shape or form. I have reiterated in the post above this one, why I made the thread. I have absolutely no interest in this woman, and her messaging me is not something that keeps me up at night. Why did I make the thread? I was a little taken aback as to why she would bother, and was simply hoping to understand the motivations better without having to reply. Sure, I could simply not reply and think nothing more of it. Perhaps that is the most sensible thing, really. But, I don't know, I'm a human being curious about the behavior of others.

I appreciate the message. I don't really know what else to tell people if they don't believe me and want to run with some false narrative. Think of my question as though it were posed to a buddy. If you were to say, "hey bro, do you remember that crazy broad I hooked up with for a few months years ago? Yeah, well she just messaged me, but she's engaged! WTF is up with that?" I have absolutely no interest in this woman. I don't know how to make that position any more clear. Human behavior has always had me curious, though, and I guess it was more like a "WTF does she want!? Help me understand!" If people don't get it, or don't believe me, then so be it. But, if we're not going to bother deferring to an OP's clarification of a situation, and frame our responses accordingly, what's the point of being here? I don't mind having uncomfortable questions posed, and I don't mind having to clarify a situation a few times to add nuance or context to a situation. That's more than reasonable, especially when it can sometimes be hard to articulate things through text. However, if an OP's position is being invalidated even after multiple clarifications, and people intend to respond with judgement and conflation of other testimony from previous threads, then this forum's utility will be rendered redundant.

Definitely not. I don't see anything good coming out of me responding, and I really have no intention of having anything to do with her. The fact that this should be a mutual feeling, but clearly isn't because she decided to message me, is quite puzzling. It'd be nice to just know what she wants without having to go down the path of finding out. This one is definitely better left on unread.

Unlike you, I have never had this happen before. So, I guess it's new to me. Perhaps if it happened more frequently I might be just as ambivalent.

This was nuts. I'm sorry girl, but neither of you is showing very good judgement here. You moved into together way too fast and you two don't even get along. I wouldn't worry about what would happen if you had a mortgage and kids because this relationship isn't going to make it to that stage. It's time to use better decision-making skills and plan you departure. This is absolutely not a match.

It sounds like you are probably right. You have been giving her money....for what reason? And now this wild story about owing durg dealers a lot of money, getting kicked out of her roommater's place - dude, where did you find this messy woman?

What kind of relationship is this, where she expects money from you, and you just give her money on a regular basis? That is not normal in a relationship. I don't believe her story for a second that "drug dealers" are threatening her life, and therefore you need to give her more money. This girl is straight up scamming you, and you seem to have a lot of mental issues, so you fall for it.

OP, first of all, you guys seem to be very young. So it's highly unlikely that this is the man you will ultimately settle down with. You're both still growing, maturing, figuring out who you are and what you want out of life and relationships. Keep that in mind as you consider my thoughts below. I think your boyfriend has iffy boundaries. It doesn't reflect well on him that, within the past year or so, he has been involved with at least three women who are all in the same department as him and that in at least two instances, he and the other person have crossed lines that he claims to respect. Whatever he claims to feel about his relationships past and present, set his words aside and focus on his actions. To me, a stranger, his most recent actions suggest that he gets bored in long-term relationships and that at some level, he enjoys having women fighting over him. If his established patterns of behavior are anything to go by, one year from now, he will probably be in a relationship with yet another woman in your department and exploring his "friendship" with the woman who annoys you so much. For your sake, I hope you're better at setting boundaries and moving on than he seems to be. My advice to you: Prepare yourself mentally for the end of this relationship. Also, remember that you don't own this man and can't make him love/respect you the way you want to be loved/respected. And you cannot stop him from developing an interest in another woman. You have already expressed your concerns to him. There's nothing more for you to do. I can't help wondering if your studies are suffering. Please refocus your attention on your work/studies.

For the past week? So that means that you have been helping her financially for a year, except that one week? Why? And now, even though you just lost your job, she wants you to give her more money to pay back drug dealers? Why would you want to financially support someone you barely know, someone you’ve only been together for one year, and especially someone who owes money to drug dealers? Run far away.

You’re right that this girl is trouble, and you’re right that your BF needs to stop encouraging her attention. You’re also right that if she wants to be friends with him she needs to be friendly to you as well. But, personally, I don’t recommend being friends with a female who behaves this way. Next time she’s talking to your BF and goes to run away when she sees you, give her the kind of unblinking glare that burns into her psych, throw in a little lip curl so she knows you’re serious. Also, your BF seems to be making you the jealous villain, has it occurred to him that if he didn’t encourage the attention of skanky women you wouldn’t feel so threatened? Consider dumping him, because he’s taking you for granted and if the friendship of some twit he banged a couple of times is so important then he doesn’t deserve a quality woman. You deserve better, and you’ll find that, when you’re with someone who loves and values you, your jealousy problem might miraculously disappear.

You do sound somewhat controlling IMO. Going out with friends once a week is normal, especially for an unmarried man with no kids. Playing video games when you aren't around is normal. If you feel it's a waste of time to do anything with your leisure time that "isn't productive", that's a you thing. You don't get to impose your views on someone else. Does he work? If not, why not? And if yes, then why are you claiming he has "no ambition or goals beyond sitting in front of his PC"? If you felt like he wasn't spending enough time with you, that's a valid concern and you can talk to him about it. But if you're not around, you do NOT get to tell another adult how they spend their leisure time. That's bizarre!

Thank you for your reply!

I got that. I don't understand how you can have any question about her motivations given her lifestyle. Run.

Ok well, it's never smart to move in with someone you've only been dating a few months. Now you're seeing why. Moving in with him was a mistake. You and him are not compatible and this relationship is going downhill fast. The best thing you could do is just cut your losses and move out.

so, are you sure you don't think she's just using you for money?

your jealousy is your issue, not his. setting "boundaries" is coming off as controlling. i'm assuming these friends were there long before you. you just described cheating. no one gets to know they will be cheated on, and just because a girl and boy are near each other doesnt mean they will cheat. are you going to cheat on your boyfriend just because you're near another male? so you don't support or enjoy him having an outlet? does he get to hate everything you enjoy doing without him? honestly it sounds like you really don't like this guy and dislike everything about him, so why not find someone you actually like, and break up with him so he can find someone that is also more suitable.

We already lived together before but recently I moved in permanently. I know it may seem very early but we both felt like making such a step. I moved in permanently after we made up.

yeah sometimes it be that simple. I just hate the fact that I let a woman like that manipulate me while, although not perfect, did nothing but loved and took care of her. Some ppl are really broken.

Drug dealers. I didn't know the content policy here.

No. His insecurities are his own, and he chose to embrace them. His behavior is disrespectful, creepy, and destructive. It’s not a moment of mistrust. People have moments of mistrust all the time. They express their feelings and discuss those things like adults. You husband chose not to. Divorcing him might be the best solution. If you do not want to, I don’t think there is anything else you could do besides confronting him, getting a sincere apology from him, and having him go to a therapist.

It’s hard to understand why you moved in with your boyfriend after only 10 months of dating. It’s also puzzling that you’d take him back after he broke up with you, without resolving any of your problems. To be honest, I’d feel controlled too if you were my girlfriend and kept tagging along whenever I meet my friends, male or female. I also wouldn’t like it if you kept criticizing my hobbies. If you feel that he crosses your boundaries or doesn’t have the same views of what’s important in life as you, just break up with him. Couples counseling is for people who have problems after 20 years of being together or something, not for someone who’s still in the initial stages of relationship.

My first thought is why on earth are you living with a boyfriend who you've been with for 10 months? WHY? And not only that, but a boyfriend who has already dumped you once. Did you move in with him before or after the "breakup"? At what point in the relationship did you move in? Absolutely not, you don't go to couples counseling when you've only been dating 10 months. That is beyond ridiculous. If there are already this many problems at 10 months of dating, then you are not compatible and you need to end it. You don't try to force a bad relationship to work by dragging yourselves in to couples counseling. You need to move out and end it.