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My girlfriend and I are currently long distance and she’ll be moving here in about 6 months. Since Valentine’s Day, I started doing something small every Sunday night — I make her a digital card with a message, some photos and music, and she opens it on Monday morning. At first she really loved them and would react a lot. But the last couple of times I noticed she didn’t seem to go through the whole thing. I’m starting to wonder if I’m overdoing it or if it’s becoming repetitive. I still like doing it because it feels personal, but I don’t want it to lose meaning or feel like “too much”. Do you think I should keep doing it every week, or slow it down?

You are right—there is definitely something wrong with their relationship. The problems started when his job moved him away, leaving them together only 2 days a week instead of 7. She was left with a deep void for those 5 days of silence and distance. Having me there is simply the way she chose to fill that void and manage the problems that were already there.

As you should. That way it won't be such a shock when it all falls apart.

This is an astoundingly awful way to treat someone (him) You don't get to sexually test-drive other people while you are in a relationship. It's also exceedingly immature. Adults break up with people when the relationship isn't working. They break up before they cheat, and yes, there is a risk they might find out the alternative wasn't great. But you know what? That is what grown-ups do and deal with. The above is just you and her giving yourselves pretty crappy hall passes to keep doing what you are doing. You cannot seriously be that clueless.

You might be right that this won't end the way I want. Honestly, I think about that every day.

I see it differently. Pain is a feeling, and if he doesn't know anything, he doesn't feel any pain. In his world, he is a happy man with a fiancé he loves. Why is it better to destroy that world with the truth right now? I think the pain you are talking about is actually what you imagine he would feel because you know the truth. But for him, at this moment, there is no pain. If we wait six months and she stays with him, he will never have to be hurt by any of this. To me, that seems more merciful than causing a mess right away.

I actually agree with you. It is clear that she cares about his feelings and his world more than mine right now. But honestly, I am fine with that. As long as we can be together during the week and share this connection, I don't feel the need to compete for the number one spot in her heart yet. If she needs to wear that ring to keep her weekends quiet while she spends her weekdays with me, I can live with that compromise. It doesn't change how I feel when we are together.

In my view, sex is a crucial part of studying someone's character and compatibility. How can she make a life-changing decision to leave a nearly 10-year relationship without knowing if we truly fit together in every aspect, including sex? If we waited six months without sex, and she finally left him only to realize later that I couldn't satisfy her needs the way he did, it would be a point of no return. To me, this trial period is the only way for her to be 100% sure before she officially ends things.

Healthy people have no trouble walking away from insults and disrespect. Your choices to stick around despite mistreatment serve to encourage her to escalate because she takes you for granted. Our relationships can only be as good as the people we pick. When someone shows you a nasty character, then that's who they are. If you settle for that, then there you are.

Consider contacting your local hospital's human services department for a referral to a woman's shelter or a domestic violence prevention agency. (Notice the word 'prevention,' which means you don't need to have been physically abused to be eligible for the services.) Their goal is to help you get out of a situation where you're being mistreated and are financially trapped. Learn what resources they have to offer, and allow an experienced counselor to work with you to make a plan.

I'm not saying it's impossible to marry the only person you've been with and for the marriage to be successful. I know it does happen, especially in more traditional cultures. But in today's world it does seem like a bad idea and I definitely believe it would lead to a higher chance that the person would eventually feel that they've missed out on a lot and start to want something else. I believe the marriage would have a higher risk of failure. Experiencing dating different people teaches you about yourself and about life. And the fact that the OP has already said that he's wondering if he would feel the "need to explore" if he commits to this relationship, the fact that he's even saying that now, shows that marrying the first person he's been with would probably be a bad idea.

I'd push back on the idea that it "wouldn't be a good thing" to marry the first person you are with and you have to "explore". The norm no, but that doesnt mean that you can't have a happy long term relationship with your first serious partner. If it works it works, it doesn't matter if its your first or 50th romantic partner.

There is no saving this relationship. He's toxic. That should be clear. Are you able to stop being dependent on him and get out of there? Are you able to get a job?

Yes, this could definitely happen. It would not be normal to end up marrying the first and only person you have ever been with. That wouldn't be a good thing. You will probably want to explore the dating world at some point. You have only been dating her for 2.5 months. You barely know each other and at this point in a relationship it's just about getting to know each other so you find out whether you are compatible for a longer term and more serious relationship. That's all. How do you actually feel about her? Do you feel excited to see her, are you attracted to her, do you look forward to your dates? Or are you not feeling sure about this girl? You shouldn't be approaching dating "with marriage in mind." This is problematic. You can't possibly know whether someone is marriage material when you have first met them and barely know them. The whole point of early dating is to get to know people so you can find out whether this is someone you would be compatible for a longer term relationship. And it takes time to find that out.

I would get this a bit too with my ex. She would talk up a particular guy she used to date, tell me how much he still cared about her and wanted to get back together. He left her because he "wanted to travel and didn't want to be held back", which seemed like the flakiest excuse in the world but any slight down I would raise would drive her crazy and make her talk about how I didnt care at all. The important thing to remember is that exes or old flames can stay as a low-committment fantasy. It probably wasn't like that when they were together, but especially it is was a brief fling it can be held up in someones head as a model of perfection and a contrast to the difficulties of their current relationship. It doesnt mean they were "better" than you, or that the fantasy is anything other than just a fantasy. Generally anyone who has huge relationship issues involving trust etc will have those with everyone they are truly intimate with unless they work on themselves.

Something I found helpful to thing about in terms of being "behind" is that some people build the idyllic life in their 20s and 30s. Have the dream partner, job, family and it all falls apart in their 40s and 50s with a divorce, losing their jobs, financial struggles etc. Are those people "ahead" or "behind". Really they are experiences lifes struggles in a different was to someone in their 40s who is still unmarried, for example. Even if you do things "perfectly" it can end up in hardship, so really there is no use in worrying about being behind.

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Nobody is 'behind' anyone else; we're all equal humans who just have different degrees of experiences with different things. There is no grading bar on dating or relationships. Nobody knows this. Feelings aren't facts; they're emotions. You can enjoy the intensity without making any declarations or decisions you don't feel ready for. Just flow... Of course, lots of people commit prematurely. It's not tragic, it's a discovery. While breakups aren't fun or easy, they are also common and survivable. Even divorces aren't the end of the world. It's not necessary or even beneficial to talk through every doubt with the person you're having doubts about. Take those convo's to a neutral friend, family member, counselor, or clergy until you gain some clarity. Fear of making a mistake is something we all contend with. Some of us are more or less risk-averse than others. But perfectionistic standards in trying to explore your own natural development can become a barrier to learning, and it can result in stagnation and a lack of joy and curiosity. Congrats on meeting a great person. EnjOy!

The answers to both your questions are a mix of "maybe" and "it depends". The thing is you just can't know about the future. If you really like her and are happy right now to be in a relationship with here, just keep going and focus on enjoying the present. Everything you worry about may happen, or it won't. Often its something completely different. That's the thing about the future, we can't know it so while it's best to plan for things in the immediate future and do our best, worrying about it is pointless. It sounds like you're doing fine, don't be too hard on yourself.

you said this is your first relationship, but you also keep saying you don't date casually. this sounds contradictory, so which is it, you've never dated before, or you have? regardless, this part: Could it happen that I commit to a relationship now, and later feel the need to “explore” because I lack experience? *this can be true at any age and any experience level. you could be with someone for a decade and wake up one day and feel the need to explore.

There technically isn't anything wrong with dating casually. People usually just advise not to do it because often it implies having hook-ups, one night stands, casual sex.....etc.....etc....Those are the reasons people try to say it's not a good thing to do. Going on dates and getting to know people is a good thing and it doesn't mean you have to be promiscuous.

Thanks for the replies. Just to clarify: I’m not thinking about marrying her or anything like that right now. I know 3 months is way too early for that. What I meant is that I generally don’t date casually — I only date someone if I can at least imagine it could turn into something long-term. But I’m aware that this can change over time and isn’t something you can know early on.

Yes you are getting way ahead of yourself given both of your ages. Neither of you will truly know if you want to get married or not for probably another year or two. As you said you are still in the phase where you are enjoying the intimacy. There will come a point where the intimacy begins to become a been there done that type of situation and it will be at that point when you find out how much you truly care about one another. Your relationship may continue to grow but it's also just as likely at this point that a few months from now you two won't even be talking because you found too many things out about each other that you just don't like very much. Just give it time.

It is absolutely normal even for older people with much more experience than you to feel “behind”. At age 23, having your first relationship, it would have actually been a surprise if you did not feel “behind” when pondering whether this relationship will be for life. In my opinion, marriages where at least one of the partners is young and / or inexperienced almost never work. I think you should stop having such expectations from a relationship that has only been going on for 2.5 months. It’s way too early to think about lifelong commitment or marriage at this point.

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some honest perspectives because I’m feeling a bit conflicted right now. I’m 23M and have been dating a girl (almost 20) for about 2.5 months. We met on Tinder, and both of us wanted something serious from the start. Things are going really well — we communicate openly, I genuinely like her a lot, and I enjoy spending time with her emotionally and physically. Here’s the background that’s making me unsure: I have almost no prior dating or relationship experience. I’ve always been on the shy side and never took initiative, so this is basically my first real experience with a relationship or dating in general. She, on the other hand, has had several relationships already. That doesn’t bother me in itself, but knowing this has made me feel like I’m “behind” or that I’ve missed out on experiences. I’m starting to question a few things: Are my feelings for her genuinely about her as a person, or are they partly because all of this is new to me (intimacy, closeness, etc.)? Could it happen that I commit to a relationship now, and later feel the need to “explore” because I lack experience? She actually brought this up herself, and I couldn’t honestly say it’s impossible. This puts me in a tricky spot: on one hand, I really don’t want to lose what we have because it feels special and meaningful. On the other hand, I’m afraid of committing too early and possibly regretting it later. I also tend to overthink things and feel like I need to be “sure” before making decisions, which probably makes it harder. One important thing to know about me is that I don’t date casually or just for the sake of being in a relationship. I approach dating with marriage in mind, which is why I’ve turned down dating opportunities in the past. Lately, I find myself wondering if that was the right choice. The thing is, I feel like if I had more prior experience, I might be able to see more clearly whether I genuinely want this relationship or if I’m drawn to it simply because it’s my first real one. You often hear that the things people regret most in life are the things they didn’t do, not the things they did. But in my case, I keep wondering: would I regret not entering this relationship, or would I regret not gaining more experiences beforehand? I’d really like to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar situation: Is it normal to feel “behind” like this? How can I tell if my feelings are genuine or just influenced by inexperience? Has anyone regretted committing “too early,” or on the flip side, regretted not committing? We have very open and honest communication, and I want her to understand where I’m coming from and the doubts I have. At the same time, I’m worried about hurting her, so I’m not sure how to approach this or what I should share versus keep to myself. I really appreciate honest perspectives. Thanks!