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None of the people I know personally follows any such rules. All the guys I know, myself included, ask the girl out immediately upon realizing that we want to do it. There is really no rule saying you should wait before doing that. On the contrary, the longer you wait, the more likely it is that the girl will think that you aren’t interested and move on. Say what? She flirted with you, she responded to your message. What else did you expect her to say? It was definitely your turn to ask her out. Men still do it more often than women, and there is really nothing wrong with that. Generally, we are more proactive, women are more responsive. That can’t be right. If you go for it and the girl says “no”, then your chances are wrecked in exactly the same manner as they would be if you waited longer. Going for it is not what wrecks your chances, it just might expose the fact that there were no chances to begin with. If a girl doesn’t like you, then she doesn’t like you. Better learn that sooner than later and spare your time and expectations.

Well, first off, I apologise for the confusion, it wasn't two weeks ago. It'll be a week tomorrow. In addition, the song was sent the day after. May have expressed that poorly in my post, sorry again! Second, I mean... she could say something, too, y'know!:)) In all fairness, I get your point about potentially killing things with my caution, but so far I've wrecked more chances by going for it than I have by measuring my steps a bit. At the end of the day, as others have pointed out, I have nothing concrete on which to go. Some people just flirt, that's their style. I've had close friends do this to me before, but those cases were different precisely because I understood it was just "their style," everything had been contextualised beforehand. In this case, besides the fact that I had nothing concrete and that I was, I repeat, significantly drunk, it was also the first time I've ever interacted with this person. A metaphor I can give for it is that it feels to me like the difference between showing someone a song I like by blasting it into their grey matter with cans cranked up to max, and presenting it on a mild speaker, y'know?:)))

Part and parcel of the cognitive dissonance which is dating nowadays, apparently!:)) I honestly don't understand these things, either, but I've noticed that most people follow these rules whether they're aware of it or not, so it made sense to adjust my behaviour to more closely follow the rhythms. I have to say, it does tend to generate a lot of ancillary anxiety, precisely because it becomes mostly artificial after a point - things kinda' lose meaning when everything's done by schedule. Anyway, I wasn't leaning toward any conclusion in this case, taking things as they come. Perfectly aware that people have stuff to do, guess it's just a mini-projection of the fact that I, personally, try to be timely with everything. Thank you for the encouraging words!

Oh my god.... I would be beyond frustrated with you if I was her. If I have your timeline right, you met her nearly two weeks ago, on a Saturday night. Then you waited a week and sent her a song in Instagram, which she hearted but, since you didn't actually say anything, she had nothing to respond to. Now, nearly two weeks after meeting her, you sent her a text apologising for your behavior the night you met and then, even though she responded enthusiastically (which is frankly a miracle at this point), you still have not actually asked her out. What the heck are you doing? First she green-lighted you by flirting. Then she green-lighted you with the heart emoji. Then she green-lighted you by replying "enthusiastically." You seem intent on ensuring that her interest completely fizzles out by making a series of wishy-washy contacts, none of which bring you any closer to your goal of a date. In fact, they are likely taking you further away from your goal. Here is a formula for you: boy meets girl, boy and girl flirt, boy asks girl out. That's it. She either says yes and they go on a date or she says no and he moves on. Quit wasting her time and killing any fun/momentum/excitement that ever existed. Where is the banging-my-head-on-the-desk emoji? Close enough.

i’m worried my dating life is over because of this and i would like to share and get advice. i am 23 years old. at 19 i began using fentanyl/ketamine/cocaine heavily and supported my habit and crash outs by seeing men online. i think its important to point out that i felt driven to a point of no return to do this. i was incredibly depressed but did not want to die, i had just quit college due to horrible anorexia, and just before entering that world i had f***ed up a job incredibly and was fired in 4 hours. i came to a conclusion that with my lack of Anything i just had to do what could be done to make ends meet. and ill be honest, making rent in 2 hours rather than 2 weeks felt relieving. i was essentially posting on local websites and ID verifying everyone i saw. i was very reckless as i only wanted the roof over my head and the baggies in my pocket. at that point i had become incredibly bulimic and balled out on horribly expensive food for the dopamine rush. i truly did not see myself as someone who would make it to tomorrow, i had no care for my future. i was doing physical work for about 6 months until i ended up in rehab. up until about 6 months ago i had also posted on onlyfans and gathered some income like that. my rehab was overseas and i was unable to work and i had done that up until i understood i could work honestly, and for a reason i will mention below. coming out of the mud was a beautiful experience and i am now 1.5 years sober and with a different goal set and ideals. however i am naive to think everyone else will see me as a success story and find fondness in that change, so i would idiotically babble about it pretty openly when meeting new people. it would be ideal for me to get to a place where it isn’t a secret to those around me, but that i stop going into more detail than i should, tell them “this was part of my past” and leave it at that. my ex / my bf / whatever he is right now has made me feel like i have to hide this from future partners. i had only shut down my onlyfans when i realized we were official and he was offering to take care of bills for me. i am not sure if it’s him or my past, but it is/was brought up any time he split on me (borderline personality, both of us). he has told me that he can’t masturbate because he thinks of the people who “had” me in the past and that they could ask whatever they wanted of me and would get it. my “holes” are mentioned constantly, he believes i operate solely on who i can have sex with to receive something in return, i’ve been told that the “motel 6 is waiting for me”. essentially what im trying to say is that whether he tried to suppress the discomfort he felt or not, he didn’t do it well and im wondering if every man will think of me this way. its hard for me to believe that in order to be worthy of love i have to suppress the things that have made me the person i am today, whoever wants to fall for me next would have to realize that the person they fell for is only this way because of the chain of events that have happened in their past. my ultimate question is must i start suppressing this. that conclusion is worrying because there is always a chance it could somehow come out later down the line.

i have bpd and autism so that already places me in the negatives in terms of wifey material despite knowing that my boyfriend still gave me a chance but since the start of the relationship i've placed him in incidents that have eroded his trust in me. in the first incident i was keeping around a male friend who used to like me and i didn't know that detail was important genuinely. i was asked if this person used to have feelings for me or vice versa and the guy's attempt happened so long ago that it had slipped my memory. my bf ended up looking thru my phone and scrolled all the way up to 2023 to find the texts where i tell the guy that we are friends and just that. after then he never pursued me again. to bf i lied and kept around someone who was a threat. keep in mind this person is no where near me rn though. second incident fangirled in a niche artists dms and sent heart emojis third incident was intentional and non autistic / confusion based where i lied to him about contacting a third party about whether a guy i used to see deep in fentanyl addition was still alive. i had told bf i was inquiring about a friend. due to the previous incidents i was weary to tell the truth. that comes up all the time and im told i was pursuing the ex when i was just looking for closure essentially fourth incident bf had dumped me and i asked a newer male friend if he knew of anyone who had a room available because i want to leave my boyfriend. my bf takes care of everything for me and i don't have a source of income, so fear motivated me to self preserve. this makes sense to me because my bf tells me if this guy wanted to pursue me he would and that my action makes it easier for him. and it probably makes my bf feel like a "cuck" which is a word he uses all the time. my bf had told me at the start of the relationship that he has trust issues bc every girl he had been with cheated on him. i asked him why and he told me probably because he gets really mean. and he does, he was diagnosed with bpd a few weeks ago. some things he said in the beginning were scary like he was telling me he was grateful i didn't dress like a slut and i wasn't allowed to talk about my past if i was with someone else at the time, even though i liked to hear about his relationships because they made him the person i fell for. i never moved with the intentions of hurting him, ive honestly never had a boyfriend who cared about my male interactions this much so i was moving without experience, but ive hurt him nonetheless. i didn't have any malicious intent with the incidents ive caused but that doesnt matter at this point, he doesn't trust me with men anymore and i veer towards that side when i make friendships especially as th community i am involved with now (addiction recovery) is male dominated so i dont have many social contacts now. he's taught me about male/female dynamics and how men who speak to me will usually just want to f*** me and i've never really understood that in the past. it f***s with my head and i'm told i'm building a roster and doing all this evil s*** just because i'm a girl. when he's stable he doesn't trust me much, i'm always talking to a guy or building a roster or scheming to leave him and frog hop to the next person. i could be in a therapy session or making him dinner and he's accusing me of all that, when in actuality i am so unbearably lonely and socially starved. he tells me there's no trust from his end and i should stop moving like there is (i didn't text him for 4 hours once because i was with a 12 step sponsor and he threatened to break up with me, despite having my location and me telling him where im going). it's the worst when he splits because he complains and complains about me and then i tell him to leave if hes so miserable and he gets mad at that. i can't really bring anything up that he does that bothers me or else it can be deemed a double standard or a justification. he also tells me i dont take accountability for my actions and he's right, i usually get angry when it's all brought up. i think thats because i dont understand the severity of his reactions to what i did, and i dont see it as big of a deal as he does. he's not bad. i guess all relationship advice posts end off with that. i wanna be with him but i don't know where to start on helping him mend. i have a lot of self development and career/school things to do and i can't focus because i wonder how we'll mend constantly. last night we exploded into an argument because my phone died and when it rebooted a bunch of notifs came up and it triggered him. i told him they were realtors i was speaking to about finding us a place. he doesn’t trust me of course and continued with that narrative. i got upset and told him “please not now i just need you”. he works 10 hours a day and i just wanted him in his essence then. i had spent time making him dinner and i wanted to enjoy the meal with him, i missed him all day. but he took that as me dismissing him. he ended up speaking to his therapist and came to the conclusion that i am self centered. he split on me told me i was insane for believing that we could survive a house together and that the kid in my stomach (i just tested positive a week ago) isn’t his. he told me he believes everything he says in splits. we went to bed separately and i got so stressed out that i started to plan a way out of this house. today i reached out and hes in the same mentality. he told me i would never kill myself because i need to “keep myself and my holes pretty” and that he regrets getting a “prostitute” pregnant. nothing i haven’t heard from him in past splits. i want him and more importantly i feel as though i need him, i cant stand knowing there is another person on this earth who f***ing hates me. i wanna get high and die so badly. i have something in the works to leave tomorrow to another sober house, but im afraid me going will be the complete end to us. truly he is a good person the best boy i have had, he has put up with a lot from my end emotionally and still gave me a chance up until this point also im told that when i explain the situation i portray myself as a victim, so sorry if i did that. i tried my best to highlight my part. i don't know if im naive or stupid but i didn't know all of this was so important. maybe i wasn't raised right or something

The bolded has summed up 'leagues' and 'punching above your weight'. It is a thing. And your issue isn't that you don't approach women. Instead, it's your obsticables are your objectification of women and general unhappiness in life.

Have been trying to explain this to the OP for a while already. The OP wants to be lovable and datable so that he can enjoy his life. But he has to enjoy his life to become lovable and datable. Horse and carriage…

Sex is a highly important form of communication between people. That’s why the first thing you should is stop thinking about sex like it’s a thing that you get for yourself. Because, by extension, that makes you think of women as suppliers of sex. Do I need to explain why that is a bad thing?

You said it took her half a day to respond to your message about hangover. That’s not a considerable interval. People are busy, they work, spend time with friends, have hobbies. If she replied and seemed enthusiastic, the interval doesn’t matter. I honestly find it strange that a lot of young people today appear to think that replying to a text after half a day is too late, but asking a girl out as soon as you feel that you want to do it is too early. Don’t overthink these things. Act fast yourself and let the other person act at their own convenient speed.

I've always found that sex outside of a relationship leaves me feeling empty. I suspect you'd feel the same

To be frank, you need to get your mental health sorted out before you can expect to have successful dating. No woman, attractive or not, is going to get involved with a guy who is miserable with his life. I do also want to point out that your comments about women are objectifying them. You only talk about their attractiveness and sex.... and guys who think like this are not the guys who women want to date. Further, given that you've previously given a laundry list of the reasons why you don't look good, I'd say you'd be punching above your weight if you're looking for a conventionally attractive woman. Lastly, my slim attractive daughter is over 5'7 and her fiance is 5'6, so don't be complaining to me about being not tall enough or big enough at 5'8.

It’s not just one short friend. I have several short friends who are very successful with women. They all live in big cities comparable to New York. I have the impression that the messages I write here in response to yours just glide over you and don’t really register. Several times I told you that it’s your entitled attitude and your complaints about life that turn off women. They are a much bigger problem than your looks. And yet every time you reply with more nonsense of just that kind - “I’m worried that I’ll mostly be limited to overweight women” etc. It’s like you don’t even read what I write at all. You just keep responding with the same mantra. I’m going to stop replying to your posts unless something changes and you actually begin to listen to what I’m trying to tell you and begin to seriously deal with the problems of your mindset.

I keep thinking that sex at minimum will make me feel better and make me feel better about myself. but I guess it would be no different than a drug offering temporary happiness

I don't consider myseld UNattractive by default. I like my face. I'm usually considered average looking but have gotten compliments on my beard and eyes. this is going to sound fcked up of me but I'm worried that I will be mostly limited to women who are overweight. not that they don't deserve love but I hate always wondering if someone is "too hot" for me. People also swear I look better bald. obviously people can just compliment you to make you feel better but I'm not convinced I'm ugly by any means. the girl who introduced me to red pill blue pill dating rated me a 6/10 though so take it with what you will I guess. I lowkey think my issue is that I rarely ask women out. But I don't see anyone like me with a partner that looks desirable to me. so it looks like my only options are going to be women I don't find attractive unless I get really lucky. I've spent ages on dating apps. occassionally I'll try to ask someone out and it goes nowhere. But I think my biggest insecurity is livng with my parents as you probably saw on my other posts. curious where your short friend lives. they say dating in nyc is really hard.

I was definitely way way happier when I was younger. but it got worse as I got older and don't know if it will ever get better tbh.

I can relate to the travel thing a bit. the same s*** is on my mind when I travel but it's definitely better than sitting in my room crying myself to sleep lol

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You don't deserve to be talking yourself down. You are going to be your only constant companion in this life so you deserve to treat yourself kindly and with compassion. I really think you need a change of scenery, it would be a big shift in your life and mindset but I think that its a chance worth taking. You're right that the cost of living is ridiculous in NYC and it seems to be making your miserable, its possible that it just isnt your place. I know it's where your friends and family are but sometimes youve got to just spread your wings and fly somewhere different. Many many people live in different places to their family, and they are still there for them even though they can't be as close. I understand feeling stuck, Im at a similar age to yourself and relate to some of what youve posted, but youve just go to make a plan and stick to it and if your family is really there for you they will wish you well instead of trying to stop you. Like @basil67 said above I don't think a relationship is a priority now. They generally work better when you are in a more steady place in your life, anyone you could meet now if you were to connect with someone would likely be someone trying to "fix" you, and/or you would try and fix yourself through your relationship with them. Those co-dependent partnerships never end well. Do the work on yourself first.

Thank you! I bit the bullet and texted her yesterday, we're four texts deep into a very choppy conversation so far:)) Don't yet know what it means, as her replies seem engaged and involved, but the interval between them is considerable. I'll ask her out tomorrow if the conversation progresses (I've been left on Seen today so far). Either way, a conclusion will have been reached.

Ah, no, thought I'd say "hello" beforehand, test the waters a bit - made a joke about finally having escaped my hangover, apologised if I behaved like an idiot Saturday, asked her how it's going. She replied enthusiastically, then took over half a day to reply to my next text (got one this morning). We seem to be repeating the same pattern today, and, ironically, this is even the point where the conversation would have shifted nicely into me asking her out :)) I guess I'll see tomorrow if we reach the point where I'll ask her out, if these days have been an indicator of the rhythm:))

he's not going to leave his wife, and chances are his home life is not what he tells you that it is. if you want to end it? just lie and tell him you're in love with him and can't wait to tell his wife so you two can be happy forever....and i guarantee he'll change and tell you it isn't true and stop talking to you.

as a clinically diagnosed depressed person myself, with all due respect, this is not accurate. if your chemicals in your brain are not in sync, then it isn't going to matter how successful or bangable you are, you're still going to be depressed. it's like being sad and taking a vacation - you're just going to be sad in Hawaii.

so this means you texted her and asked her our but it didn't work out?

There is no monopoly on love. If it feels right then you gotta give it your shot. This could work out like a fairytale or maybe a disaster. The thing is if you have nothing to lose then open your heart and see.