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Nah. You're just looking for a convenient excuse to continue your own selfish behaviour.

A tradition that disrespects, denigrates, and objectifies women or human beings in general to this degree is not something worth keeping. Sooner or later this mindset will die out and humans will regard it as yet another ugly remnant of the past, much like we regard slavery or cannibalism now. If this kind of perverse idea of dignity doesn’t disgust you, then I don’t think there is anything else to say here. Regardless, it’s astonishing that you’re trying to justify her behavior by appealing to your tradition. Surely you realize that cheating and having sex with two men is an even less traditional behavior than breaking up with a fiancé? Then why the strange mental gymnastics?

Maybe the behaviors that define 'naive' and 'grow up' in your country and my country are different. But thanks, anyway.

I admit it. You are right. What we do is dishonest and it's like a backstabbing. We are cowards and liars. I have no excuse for that. But the reality in my part of Southeast Asia is not simple. It's not just 'break up and move on'. In my country, engagement is a very big thing. Our parents and elders must talk and agree together first. It is a formal social contract between families, not just a promise between two people. Also, after she engaged, she moved to live with him. Everyone in our town knows they live together and have sex. In our traditional view, if she breaks up now, people will look at her like 'damaged goods' or a 'second-hand woman.' Her reputation will be gone forever. We met after she already had a fiancé. She thinks I might be her 'true love,' but she must be 100% sure. In my culture, if she leaves him for me and we fail later, she can never go back. Her fiancé and his family will never take her back. She will have nothing—no husband and no dignity. So this 6-month wait is not for fun or testing sex. It’s for certainty. She is keeping two men at the same time because she is very scared. If she loses both of us, she has no place in society. She wants to be sure about me before she destroys her whole life for me.

That’s good. When I said I decided to 'walk away,' I meant it quite literally. I am walking away from staying in their house because I agree with the members here that it is too risky and disrespectful. So, I’m living in my new private condo 300 meters away from their house.

Thanks. Hope all is well. I don’t think anything has be deleted, but you never know.

I have spent a year with my married man. We work together. It is not my proudest moment to begin with, but I fell so hard for him. Our chemistry is amazing. He has always told me he cannot give me 100% and he will never leave his wife for me. His wife is not aware of his affair. Things were going so well up until 6 months ago, when he started flirting subtly with our coworker. He denies any attraction to her, tells me he doesn’t see her as anything more than just a colleague. But things keep adding up and his actions are speaking louder than his words are. She’s leaving in a couple of months to a new country, and you’d think this would be a good thing, but I am almost certain he will try to contact her when she goes and they will end up with a relationship out of work. They aren’t in contact outside of work currently, but I only think that’s because she is trying to remain professional. She’s 10 years older than me and closer to his age. I can’t say for sure if she’s into him, but I think she is. She’s so friendly with him at work, and I can tell he loves the attention she gives him. I have caught him checking her out, signing off emails with “Xx”, she comes to him for advice and they are have a close work relationship. We are constantly arguing about her, I thought I was the only woman for him aside from his wife. He made me feel special. As much as he denies it I just cannot trust him. He clearly has eyes for her. I am constantly comparing myself to her, is she better than me?? I don’t think I am, i’d like to say i’m an attractive girl. But he clearly has his desires. If he can do it to his wife, why would I be any different? I have asked him this, but he never acknowledges it. Above all this, he says he expects me to be loyal to just him, yet he’s the one with a wife, also showing an interest in this other girl. I only want him, but why should I put up with this any longer? I need to protect myself from the inevitable hurt. I’ve cut him off and told him to give me space. It hurts, especially seeing him at work every day, but I don’t think I have any other option, I need to get over him. I cannot do this anymore.

Well, the latter aspect would be armageddon, marital suicide. Hey, it might not be right, but it's true - not looking for that. If/when our M were to end (and I don't see or want that), I'd like it to at least be under my terms. Again, that may not be right/fair, but I think nearly everyone is in the end about their own self-interests.

I don't see a problem in asking your wife for honesty about her suspected affairs. You should be candid about yours, too.

Prologue - it seems some posts/comments come and go on this site. I read a few comments late yesterday that were quite good - especially 77's - and they're gone this morning. Why is that? Nothing controversial or seemingly against the rules. I was looking forward to responding to them. ??? Yes, 62, there's some hypocrisy here, however they're not quite the same IMO. I think I already distinguished them as apples and oranges. One is lying about having sex w multiple men outside the marriage when asked directly about it. The other is harboring thoughts and memories about an ex-GF/AP with whom I was once in love (a GF/AP I wholly admitted to when asked). One is blatant dishonesty and the other is not that abnormal (especially as one hits "old age," and contemplates "might have beens."). To the latter, if one cannot come on this relationship board and post about old relationships without being accused of having a "very recent" A or bad behavior, then what's the point of having it? Not exactly a safe space. What percentage of people on this board still think about their old GFs/BFs/ex-APs? I'd venture to guess, most. EPI - I have not acted in 16+ years and I don't have any plans to. I think a few people were saying it is an option - not necessarily recommending it, but an option. I don't feel bad, or "dishonest" about thinking about my ex-AP. Clearly finding out in the last month that she has moved 20 miles away from me when we were separated by 100s of miles for 25 of the last 28 years (and 95% of the on/off relationship we had over the course of 12 years) is a reasonable if not expected cause of increased thoughts and memories. I came here to ask what others thought of that change, and what they might recommend. Most say, let it go. Many say, come clean w your W and ask/demand she come clean w you. Some say, it's up to you - pros and cons in both directions. While I don't have any plans to try to contact my ex-AP, I do think I have moved a tad closer to confronting my W about her past sexual As. Again, that was more the other thread, but responses to both threads have moved me closer to believing I/we have to get that out in the open for my mental health in my last couple decades. IIRC, 77 had a very good post about that yesterday - a lot about my W weaponizing anger to stop me in my tracks, and not to let her succeed w that. Anyone and everyone I have ever told my story about W's behavior has said there is no doubt she had these As (and most were women). If she goes bonkers and threatens our M over me asking honest questions, then so be it. I am not in the wrong about wanting the truth. Yup, 62 (and others), there is some hypocrisy and righteousness in that, but at least in my mind, these aren't the same. Mostly because my past sin is out in the open - my W knows about ex-AP because I admitted to her - and her past sin is hidden and lied about. My recent thoughts and memories? Just that, thoughts and memories.

I didn’t expect this topic to get that much attention, so sorry if I’m vague. Yes, I don’t like being showered in affection. In my past relationship, my partner was very loving, very caring, clingy and at times possessive. It felt less loving and more objectifying. As much as I loved her, I felt pressure to match that intensity (as if I didn’t show that same intensity back, it would feel as if I didn’t like her) I don’t like the hot and cold, unwilling to communicate emotional game, but it’s much easier for me to fall for them. I’m trying to unlearn how. Long story short, I find it easier to be with someone calm and not necessarily so intense romantically— but the people I find who are calm, are often more aloof.

Not sure if this is in the right section but here goes.. Ive been with my girlfriend for 3 years, were both in our 40s, the relationship itself has been very good. A little back story, she left her violent, controlling ex 4 years ago and moved 3 hours away, a year later we met, then the controlling ex followed, they have kids together too, apart from keeping our relationship from him, everything was good, she got a job, new friends, which she was never allowed, we was flowing really, we didnt get to see each other as much as we liked due to living an hour apart and working constant, that being said, not a day went by that we werent on the phone, literally every day. A year ago we had our 1st holiday abroad together, memories that will last a life time really, fast forward to a month ago, we had our 2nd holiday abroad, yet another awesome time. Over the next 3 weeks after getting back, we have spoke on the phone daily, until 8 days ago, she rang me as per usual on the morning, the conversation was normal, and as she was going she said she will phone later, love you. Then i heard nothing from her for 6 days, i sent 3 texts in this time, stating i was worried etc, 2 days ago she replied saying she was mentally exhausted with work, has no time for anything or anyone and just wants to shut down, cant focus on texting or phone calls and that its hard to explain,.. This happened a while back and lasted 3 days, i replied to her just asking if she still wanted to be with me, probs wrong thing to ask, and mentioned our 3rd holiday that id booked, which we was both excited about, shes not read the message in 2 days either and i know shes been online as ive seen her listening music, shes not removed me off anything either. Also, there was no signs she was losing interest or anything. I just need advice on what to do as this is killing me, so many thoughts goin through my head, ive not tried contacting her since either, this silence, for this long isnt like her... Do i wait and give her space, i just dont know. Thankyou for any advice

How often are you crying? And why are you crying so much in this relationship? I was going to ask the same.

There should be no plans at all - immediate or otherwise. It's time you let go. Way past time.

It's better that you're apart now, OP. Neither of you seems to have a handle on healthy dating, and as such, don't really have the skills to navigate issues like this one. There are boundary issues on both sides and a lack of discretion overall. This was not a good match. Better to close the door, reflect, and see what you can learn from this experience moving forward.

It is shockingly common for people fall into the trap of trying to win the affection of someone instead of being open to someone you like who also likes you. I've caught myself showing more interest in certain people who were distant. I have worked to stop that pattern. It does require practice and a lot of awareness. BTW, if and when you do win over the distant person, it's almost always--in my experience--been a major letdown and disappointment. If they were slow to be affectionate and interested all along that doesn't suddenly change if you begin to date them. The chase can be a familiar high, but the intensity of the chase does not mean there is someone great reward at the end of the line. Nope. Not all.

I hate the term "love language" but there is an element of that as well. Some people fit better with higher levels of expressed affection, others with less. The two ends of the spectrum, for me, are what most often tend to be unhealthy, where you are totally stonewall and indifferent or showering your new SO with compliments about how they are the most wonderful person in the world.

There is a huge difference between being attracted to cold and emotionally unavailable people and being wary of excessive displays of affection that feel like lovebombing. I’m not sure the OP has that first problem, it sounds more like the second, in which case it’s not a problem at all but a normal reaction. I think we need more details here.

Yeah, but that largely depends what you mean by affection. Saying after a couple of dates "Im having a great time with you and really enjoying our chats " is affection, "you are the most special person I've ever met " is affection too but OTT affection. It largely depends but if you're with someone who's not affectionate at all or only affectionate when they want validation and could be bothered it isn't a great sign it's going to work. Wanting a relationship with such people seems a bit dysfunctional.

Sounds like fear of intimacy to me. You're avoiding having a deep connection with someone. It would be worth delving deeper into why that is, what is it about it that makes you so uncomfortable.

Effusive behavior can feel like overkill, and I think many people don't trust it.

Whose permanent dishonesty, hers or yours? Does W know you've plotted your escape from her with the woman you love over the course of 3 reunions and are considering contacting that woman again? Sounds like a case of pot calling kettle in a feigned show of self-righteousness. Why not just end the marriage so you can operate freely with no reason to point fingers at anybody else?

Well, according to your other thread, your thoughts about W's potential deceptions are useful in keeping W in a villain role to justify your 16 years of being in love with someone else and entertaining ideas about contacting that woman yet again. Not being accusatory, it just makes no sense to get frustrated with strangers for not connecting your dots if you're obfuscating your own motives from your Self.

Have you ever met this guy in person?

As I said in an earlier post it's almost like both of them try to accelerate the dating process. There technically wouldn't be anything wrong with sharing the info/opinions or asking the questions that they did if they had been seriously dating for quite awhile. It's the fact that they were doing this after only a few weeks of dating that makes it extremely questionable on both sides.