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You're going around and around and around in circles, repeating all the same things you have said multiple times in your previous thread. I don't know what we can tell you that we haven't already told you several times, honestly.

In dating in general. My head is spinning. The last 2 times I’ve been properly depressed have been because of this relationship. We spent 11 months together and I’m now confused as ever. It feels like I keep making the same mistake, although it isn’t my fault. People wanting ridiculous things from me. My previous ex wanted to be on my mortgage for no reason and my current ex wanted kids and to live with me in my house but not to get married. I tried to look at it from her point of view, to reason and I can’t see it. She wanted to meet my family and friends and see how I ‘interact’ with them and live with me to see what it is like (conditions). But she wanted kids with me ASAP. In December she even suggested let’s try till May and if it doesn’t happen get testing (I’m assuming IVF). A very emotional and expensive process I would not want to do with someone I’m not married to/committed with. Then I sort of got angry with her because I’m like I want to get married one day but it’s not doing me a favour. I want to come to a mutually agreed conclusion with someone that is what is right to do. I only even mentioned it because of the seriousness of the other things we were talking about (kids, living together etc). She said coming to court with me for my lawsuit against a bank would be a big deal as it’s something you would always remember, yet having kids and moving in with me isn’t ??!? Full of contradictions. Now I feel distant and defensive. I feel like people always try and use me. I’ve worked hard to be stable (financially/emotionally), however, it’s always getting tested. I spent so much time with her and she wasn’t even there for me when the chips were down. She just wanted a kid and to pressure me.

That’s what is hurting me a lot and stopping me from moving on. When we first started dating it was a breath of fresh air. We live 15 minutes away from each other. I’ve never lived that close to someone I’ve been dating. It helped tremendously as we could spend a lot of time together. Then all of a sudden, she would say weird things like ‘ I have my own flat so I don’t want to then come to yours and be cooking or putting the sofa cover back on’. This really impacted me as I never asked her to do all those things and I didn’t say all the many many things I did for her. My ex partner wanted to be on my mortgage even though she never gave me a penny and wanted to live off me, so my current ex knew it was a big trigger point. Last few months she would bring up living together constantly, for what reason I do not know. I explained to her I’d rather buy somewhere together even if it’s 90% me and 10% her, so it’s ours. I don’t want to be in a position again where someone is living in my house and we fall out and then they have to leave. My family (rightfully) also would object to it as I’ve been used financially many times. I’m not desperate to get married but the things she wanted asap (kids and living together) for me are in the remit of marriage. When I would bring up marriage, she would have a million excuses or conditions. She is 8/9 years older than me and has been married before, so I felt bitter as she wants what she’s never had (kids) and what she has had before (marriage) didn’t care about. I would be against her in my head, then she would do really nice things that made me think of the original her and I would relent. I saw the pregnancy tests and we did a lot with me present. The lines were positive, however, became very faint afterwards.

This whole relationship has caused me a lot of distress as it has really warped my mind. She seemed so normal for 5/6 months and when we started to talk about kids, everything changed. She knows I own my own house and I run my own business and I’m not looking to relocate (far anyway) in the near future. I made it clear that I believe in marriage before kids as I want to make sure me and my partner are content. I don’t want to be a ‘baby daddy’. The bitterness and resentment on my part come from two areas: 1) she has been married before, yet insists to me having kids with me actually shows she is more devoted as we are combined forever. 2) Now the relationship is over I’ve seen how she pressured me. She would constantly say ‘ I’m broody’ and when we had just reconciled ask me if I wanted to try for kids that month. Knowing that if I say no, it will be a fight and if I said yes then I wouldn’t have meant it. When she got pregnant, it was an accident, I didn’t know she was ovulating and we thought she had just had a period. The pregnancy stick had lines for a week and then turned negative after. As soon as the pregnancy wasn’t viable, she turned against me. Saying I didn’t react well etc. all I asked was maths, I have never been in that situation. I didn’t know what to do for the last few months, on one hand I felt bad as I know she wanted this and the relationship had had good times, but on the other hand I do not agree with what she wants. She wanted to have kids and live with me in my house and would say ‘ I want to see how you interact with your friends and family and what it’s like living with you first’ but she wanted kids ASAP as its benefits her as she is almost 41. Im finding it hard to move on mentally. It kind of ruined the experience of being ‘pregnant’ with someone.

So someone i used to work with years ago recently messaged me out of the blue, we communicated for a week and did tentatively talk about meeting up but I started to get weird vibes so backed off a little. Ive recently come out of a relationship and have been enjoying my own company so the thought of this potentially being a date did freak me out so I politely messaged him to explain and let him down gently that I wasn't interested in meeting up. He then ended up getting angry saying I hated him and always have and he doesn't like me like that plus I'd done this before (I told him I was not single years ago when he messaged then) and i should just be honest. I deleted didnt reply because theres no point adding more fuel to the fire. Anyway he messaged again calling me rude etc. So i replied trying to again tell him why and be polite. Anyway I eventually got an apology and he explained things going on in his life (he'd had bad experiences with relationships, been stalked, had anxiety) so again I was nice, sympathised as ive had simular experiences but he still was constantly asking me if I wanted to talk as friends and kept repeating this. Alarm bells were ringing for me so in the end I told him no and blocked him. He did have one last word to insult me again, it was like everytime i told him no he went on the defence. I'm overthinking it now as I should have just said no and been blunt instead of trying to save someone's feelings. Did I handle this correctly?

I think that she feels like its mostly on her but I do a lot. I cook dinner every night, have her coffee from Starbucks every morning, take care of household tasks, plan vacations, take the kids to their storting events, ext. The financial stuff mostly does fall on her because she already had a lot of financial irons in the fire when we met and it's just easier for it to remain that way since she is more in tune with everything that's going on. That being said, we both work full time and think about the same amount so both of our paychecks go towards paying all of the bills. I do try and do as much as possible around the house, but I know she thinks its not enough.

We dont have to put a number on it but its about having a physical connection which does mean more than just sex. So yes, it is that big of a deal. I certainly an not going to apologize for wanting to have that connection to my wife. If I feel that connection through physical touch thats just what it is and Its not intentional. If I could just not feel the way I do, I wouldn't.

Does your wife work? Are you an equal partner in the home, eg., carrying half the mental load? Or are you a "helper," who relies on your wife to do all the heavy lifting of figuring out meal prep, shopping, kids' vaccinations, birthday parties, PTA meetings, etc., while adding to her load by asking her to tell you what needs to be done?

It is a big deal if she doesn’t want to do it that often. There are many couples who have sex less often than twice per week, especially if they’ve been together for several years and have kids.

You asked her for a date and she gave you an excuse. That should be all you need to close the book on this situation. If you don't you are going to find yourself in HR.

You seem to be interpreting this as a signal of....something. It's nothing. It's just her moving her hair away from her face and likely has no idea you are even paying attention to this or assigning meaning to it. It's disappointing, but you already shot your shot and she isn't interested the way you are. I don't think there's anything to be confused about at this point.

I appreciate the input. I certainly don't try to pressure her but also I can't change what my fundamental needs are. I don't want to just do it just to do it. That's how I feel closest to the most connected to her is through physical touch weather sex or otherwise. Also, I don't think there's anything wrong with a man wanting to have sex with his wife. I'm certainly not trying to make it in everyday thing. I could see how something like that would be a lot of pressure but to want to be intimate with my wife even just a couple times a week doesn't seem like it should be a big deal. I'm not trying to be argumentative, I just can't change the way that I feel although I don't try to pressure her. If I don't make the effort for it to happen when it does, it will never happen and that's not a marriage that I'm willing to be in

I kept expecting a question mark, then I was hoping for one. I was disappointed.

A girl at work who I chat to plays with her hair as we’re talking and has done for weeks, she doesn't appear nervous or shy and maintains eye contact, she posted a picture of herself on facebook, which I messaged her saying she looks stunning so she gets the hint, the next time I saw her at work a few days later the hair playing turned into flipping her back both sides over her shoulders and tucking it behind her ears, then later she told me my aftershave smelt nice. we was chatting about people cheating and she happened to tell me her 2 exs both cheated on her and one played her off for another girl a few years back so she doesn't really bother with relationships anymore, as men always say there different but they aren't. I'm being moved jobs to a bigger city about 40 minutes away, i bumped into her at work and we chatted, she walked off, then came back downa few minutes later asking when do I leave and can they make me or sack me if I don't. I bumped into her outside of work so took the opportunity to offer her out on a date, she didn't' really know how to take it, then said she wasn't sure when she would get time what with kids, then pointed to what her kids was doing and started giggling, although i know shes been out a few weekends since I felt awkward seeing her at work again so apologised for putting her on the spot, she said its fine honestly, and appeared the exact same, as we started chatting she started flicking her hair back again and tucking her hair her ears like she did before I asked her out.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think that’s a good advice, and it’s also factually wrong. Even as a man, I sometimes need more than a few minutes to get into it. Women often need longer time. And when they aren’t in the mood, they aren’t in the mood. The last thing you want to do then is coerce her into sex or try to tell her that she is supposed to reciprocate just because the Bible advises it. Maybe that’s because she feels that would necessarily lead to sex, which she isn’t in the mood for. It is possible that the support she needs is you lowering the pressure to have sex.

I think you may be mixing up two different things. Being put off by intensity or clinginess is not the same as wanting emotionally unavailable people. A lot of healthy people prefer someone calm, steady and not over the top. The problem is when calm starts getting interpreted as distant and distant starts feeling more exciting. That is usually where people get stuck. I would pay less attention to the chase and more attention to whether the person is consistent, kind and easy to be yourself around.

Some of it is probably produced, sure, but I also think loneliness plus ego can make otherwise normal people suspend disbelief really fast. Once somebody feels chosen, they start explaining away one red flag after another because they want the story to be true. So I would not frame it as pure stupidity every time. A lot of it is emotional vulnerability mixed with wishful thinking.

Hi I don't know what happened, I actually wrote a LONG reply to this, but it seems to have vanished but anyway, thanks for your thoughtful and intelligent replies

I've simply tried to split the two issues. Albeit they obviously overlap. Our daughter's precocious and cheeky behaviour is one thing, along with her lack of boundaries. Its a struggle, but I'm addressing it. Some people made comments about my fiancé somehow being weird, and how it was all her fault, and I should leave her. Another reason I've tried to made this thread very specific. And I am not the one dragging all that other s*** into this thread. I've tried to put it as s simple question. Plus, what people seem to be incapable of getting their heads around, is that I am nolonger a single-dad. I don't get to make the rules unilaterally. I have a partner, we are going to get married, and I have to accommodate her wishes and opinions

oh yeah, I'm the CREEP you're the one fixated on this this, repeating things out of context, and fixating on issues I've already addressed. And not once have you ever offered any actual suggestions, or anything even remotely constructive. No, you just insult people. Seems to me that YOU'RE the only one "getting off on this" I think we know who the CREEP is

I would be careful about making one feature the explanation for your whole dating life. If the surgery has bothered you for years and you have solid medical advice, that is one thing. But do not assume a stronger jaw automatically fixes everything. People can usually feel when someone has already decided they are disqualified before the conversation even starts. I would keep working on getting more real reps in normal social settings while you figure out the surgery question, so you are not building your whole future around one theory.

Honestly I think the main lesson here is not that you said the wrong magic words. It sounds more like the first date created a level of intensity the connection could not actually support. Lots of compliments, lots of affection, then reality set back in. That happens. I would take her text at face value and leave it there. If someone really wants to keep seeing you, they do not usually make you replay every moment after date two.

congratulations, you figured out how to post a link

I guess I will start at the beginning. My wife and I just celebrated our 7-year anniversary although celebrated maybe a bit of a stretch. I will start by acknowledging that even when we were dating, she has never been an overly warm and fuzzy or affectionate person. Lot of it probably do to Childhood trauma which we won't get into. I definitely felt like she showed me love and kindness though otherwise I obviously wouldn't have asked her to marry me. We also not only had sex on a regular basis but she was more adventurous and initiated it a lot of the time. Fast forward several years, we have kids, jobs, and all of the stresses that go with both. I went back to school to get my Nursing degree and so for two years of which, a lot of the responsibilities of running the house fell on her when I wasn't home. Between working, school, and clinicals, I was gone quite a bit. Our marriage definitely took a hit during this period but I feel like we were too busy to acknowledge it. I graduated a little over 2 years ago and for the last year and a half I have been really concerned about the state of our marriage. I started reading books on relationships including the five love languages, started going to church again which is important to me as is doing my best to live the best life that I can as well as being the best man, husband, and father that I can be. My love language is physical touch and hers is acts of service although anything that I try to do to serve her either seems like it's not enough or it's not what she needs. When I ask her what she needs she tells me that she doesn't know. I've been direct and explicit with what I need from her and it feels like she may puts in 30% effort for a short period of time but then complains that why is she going to put an effort when it feels like I'm not but she can't even tell me what it is that she needs for me to do to make her feel loved. About a year ago I started on testosterone replacement because I had been chronically low for several years. My health was put on the back burner just because, like our marriage, it was an afterthought with everything else life through was throwing at us. I got back into the gym, Lost probably about 50 lb of fat, put on a lot of muscle and while I still have work to do, I look pretty good if I do say so myself. I want to be healthy for me but also I want my wife to be attracted to me. I don't feel like any of the efforts that I have made have made the slightest bit of difference. We are both doing therapy individually and for the last 5 months have been seeing a marriage counselor together. I tried to really be open and here what she has to say and I really try to take to heart the things that are said in our therapy session. I don't know if she does the same I thought that she did but she said the other day that she's only going to please me which I told her is absolutely not the right reason to be going. Bottom line is I'm depressed although I think that I hide it really well. It's just to the point where I would rather you at work than at home the kind of life that I've ever wanted to live. I want her to want me and I want things to go back to how they were before at a bare minimum. Like I said even though she's never been overly affectionate or warm and fuzzy, she was obviously kind enough and loving enough that I wanted to marry her. I also want her to initiate intimacy, wear lingerie, the adventurous, all of the things that she would do before. He hasn't done any of that for years and the only time that we have sex now is when I initiate it and it's like pulling teeth which is frankly degrading to me because I shouldn't have to convince my wife to have sex with me. According to the Bible and frankly I feel like it's good marriage advice in general, if one party is wanting to have sex, the other person should just do it even if they're not into it because obviously it doesn't take more than a few minutes to get into it. That goes both ways. Especially since starting on the testosterone, I feel a heck of a lot better than I have and a really long time and it definitely helps in the bedroom, at least it would if it weren't like pulling teeth. I send her relationship video, suggest we read the same relationship books, and she just cant be bothered to do anything extra which to me says that she doesnt care to. 90% of the time when I try and kiss her she turns her head away and if I ever just try and touch her, she always has a reason why she doesnt want me to. I try to be kind, I get her starbucks every morning, offer to rub her feet or back rather often, have planned several date nights over the last 6 months, and none of it seems to make any difference. I asked her if she thinks we can get things back to how they were before and she said maybe If I can make her feel supported and do more but again, she cant tell me exactly what she needs. Im honeatly wondering if ahe even wants me or if she ever will again. Im 37 and she is 38 so we are still pretty young. I would do whatever I can to keep this from ending but I dont want a roommate, i want a loving wife and I cant help but feel like she doesnt love me.

Yes, given his other thread and the sex talk that apparently goes on with this teenager and her mother, I don't think this has anything to do with a cultural difference.