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We're both in our mid-thirties and we've been friends for about 7-8 years now, I believe. We met as workmates, I was attracted to her from the start, but did nothing to act on it because I don't like that kind of risk in the workplace. As time went on, we interacted more and more, we got along very well, our relationship grew into a proper friendship, but over the years my feelings also went from infatuation to falling in love with her, to one day realising I fully love her, warts and all. I did tell her this a few years ago, and she rejected me by saying that she thinks we're too similar for things to work out. This still doesn't really make a lot of sense to me to this day, as that's one of the reasons why I am pretty sure things could be great between us, but I'm hesitant to go down that rabbit hole, so I take her at her word. After that, I felt the need to distance myself from her, which I did for a couple of years (we weren't working together at this point). I tried to move on, to live my life, I've dated other people since then (nothing stuck), then we ended up reconnecting when she hit a very nasty episode in her life with an abusive ex. I tried to be there for her as a friend, we ended up spending a lot of time together talking and trauma-dumping to each other, and we even both got blackout drunk one night and ended up having sex. I honestly don't remember anything relevant about this incident, only bits and pieces, but it was clear the next day that she wasn't interested in exploring this further. I didn't press. We continued keeping in touch, meeting up occasionally, although rarer and rarer as, again, my feelings started getting the better of me. Eventually, I even attempted to move to a different city as a sort of reset and restart for a number of reasons unrelated to her, which she didn't take all that well, although she tried to play it cool. Stayed there for a couple of years, but ultimately ended up moving back to the old one, as it wasn't the place for me. We've been maintaining a very close friendship since I got back, to the point where we're pretty much each other's confidant. I know I'm the only one with whom she discusses a lot of very personal things, and I've shared a lot of mine in turn. Trouble is, I just can't move on from loving her, whatever I try, and besides the fact that it's seemingly still continuing to grow and get heavier and heavier, she's now in a pretty stable relationship. I still try to be there only as a friend, but I'm finding it harder and harder to manage. I don't know what to do. I know she isn't just using me, because she's been there for me at some of my lowest points so far, she's seen my "ugly" in ways nobody else has. I really don't want to lose her from my life, but I don't know how to cope anymore.

just gonna say, this is a little weird. don't try to recreate the same scenarios that she did with her ex boyfriend and don't try to do/act like him, you need to make your own memories and your own new things.

that's your answer. just because she touched your hand doesnt mean she's trying to have an affair. people can touch each other, and touching your hand moving a mouse is very different than grabbing your hand and putting your finger in her mouth.

Yep sorry to say as well but if you are dating and she has no desire to be intimate for 6 months it's very likely she was getting that somewhere else, quite possibly with that ex you mentioned. It sounds like she was intimate with you out of a moment of desperation, boredom or just "giving you a try". I think.you need to hold higher standards for yourself. You having been taking on this woman's emotional baggage for months and even called it official and in return she has just kept you on a string and isn't even remotely letting her into your life. Why? The minimum standard for dating someone in a serious fashion should be that they are a considerate partner, a decent person and make a genuine effort to give and take in the relationship. She seems to be none of the above, and her being beautiful or you thinking you can change her isn't going to cut it. That's not your job.

Dating for 6 months and only had sex a week ago? Not only does she not love you, she has nearly zero attraction to you. You may have been the friend she leaned on during her break-up and it's possible she loves you as a friend, but she is not interested in you as a romantic partner. You are just someone to occupy time with while she waits for Ryan to come back to her. p.s. You got really good advice on the other board where you posted this. Listen to it.

A better question: what difference would the answer make?

You're her rebound.

Sounds to me like she made a move, you declined, and she's withdrawn. Highly doubt she will expose herself that way again, having been rejected. Best outcome for both of you, IMHO, as cheating seldom works out well, especially in the workplace.

Her actions are not those of someone who cares about you. You barely have sex, she leaves straight after when you do because the intimacy feels awkward, she "needs space" to the point that she barely has time for you at all. It sounds like she is not over her ex but wants a companion to give her the bare minimum of affection, while keeping herself all the way closed off, and she thinks you will accept this. If you met a more caring girlfriend, you'd see a night and day difference. I think its selfish of her to keep you in this situation and so you should be the one to do so, you deserve better. I'm guessing you find her very physically attractive so thats why you stay, because the rest of it sounds like a pretty awful "relationship".

Doesn't sound petty to me. Could there be some health issues going on? It's really hard to say and I understand your concern as I would be too and have been in the past with similar situations. Anyway, hoping all is well with you

And yet it feels like you're not getting much back. That's because you're not. She's been through some stuff with her ex but that's not an excuse for her to be a prick to a new partner. I still say run while you can.

You say that your girlfriend’s ex was her first. That explains a lot. Inexperienced people, especially young women, often fall for toxic, controlling men like like that ex. Such men can be charming and superficially very attractive, and the women lack experience to see beyond the glamorous surface It looks like she is still enthralled by her ex. You can’t just sit and hope that eventually she’ll figure out that you’re a better man than him. Rebound relationships rarely work precisely because usually people need a little more time to get over their exes and be truly emotionally available for a new relationship.

What went wrong with her ex is that he would be too mean, too "cruelly honest" as she puts it, and that he put in no effort to do things with her. He was too controlling, on top of that - telling her not to go out with her friends, and stay in with him instead, as well as being openly malicious to male friends she had. She ended it with him because he said he didn't want to change. That's another thing I don't get -- I am... none of those things. I am happy when she's happy. I take initiative to do things we both enjoy together and spend quality time. I would never tell her to do/not do certain things. One, because I'm not like that, never have been, never will be; two, because I know that would make her feel unhappy. And yet.

Let's talk about the shared dog. One or both of them are using the dog as an excuse to maintain contact. I get that people become attached to animals, but shared custody of a pet is usually just a way of staying in someone's life. As long as she and her ex are in each others lives neither of them will truly move on with someone new because they're still doing the toxic dance even though they're not together. My advice is to end the relationship, the person you're describing disregards and dismisses your feelings, and that's a potential warning sign of why her last relationship turned toxic. Have you considered that she may in fact have been the unpleasant one in that partnership? That maybe she gave him the same rude, offhand treatment you've experienced? If you must persevere with her, stop doing the kitchen dancing, don't try to be him.

She is not that into you. From everything you describe it's pretty clear. At only 6 months of dating there shouldn't be this nagging feeling that the relationship isn't right and her behavior is so cold and distant. The best thing you can do is just let her go. This isn't going to get better. If she's just not that into you, there's nothing you can do to change that. It sounds like you have already tried as much as you can.

And what page do you want to be on with him? It's not clear to me if you want only FWB or if you actually like him more. You are pressing him for details, but have you offered any yourself, in ters of how you see him? So, have you ever expressed the same sentiments to him? Beyond telling him you're fond of him and he has admirable qualities, I mean. I suppose I am reading this a bit differently. I don't blame you for wanting clarification from him, but I am not sure you have been very clear yourself either.

Because someone who would deceive you for 3 years can also deceive you for 13 years or however long you're willing to stick around for it. Today, you have clarity that if you're willing to stay with this man, you're also willing to tolerate this affair or any others he may be hiding from you, because you won't stop him, no matter what he says to appease you. I'm very sorry, and my heart goes out to you.

me and my coworker have had moments where there have been sparks, but i chalked it off due to her flirting with me and another guy at work, assumed it was all just for attention. its been going on for a year or so where we started of texting a lot at the beginning throughout the hours of the day and night, but now its been more sporadic (probably because i didn't initiate anything, afraid of the repercussions). a few months ago she started with subtle hand touches and longing looks across the office but denied any feelings for me and would not cheat. fast forward to a recently where she intimately puts her hand on top of mine as i was controlling the mouse, i was kinda taken off-guard and just withdrew my hand and i think she felt rejected by that, and has stopped communicating as much to me over text. the whole point is, was she really into me or not? after our discussion i nipped it in the bud and thought she was just being overly flirty but i did not or ever seen her be as intimate as a hand grab. i also did the same thing to her, grabbed her hand as she was using the mouse, and she did not withdraw her hand. they may be hand touches but i do not see women letting work friends touch them like that

It might be helpful to clarify for yourself why you pursue FWB's. Some people tend to emphasize the friendship while others are strictly focused on the benefits. Still others fall somewhere between. Where do you stand on this, and what bothers you about this guy's behaviors if he considers himself just being warm to the friendship part of this? Another good thing to clarify for yourself is whether FWB's raise any hopes in you that these might somehow convert into relationships--or the opposite--whether you hold any fears of someone wanting that from you. If neither is true, why would someone treating you well and telling you they like you raise concerns? In what ways did your prior FWB's turn out messy? I mean, most FWB's are temporary, so they need to end somehow. Many people don't handle endings very well, so yes, they often do make a mess that is easier to walk away from.

I'm sorry to hear this. Do you want to tell us why she said this and how you feel about it?

What did you tell her when you broke up, and how did she respond?

People can enjoy having sex with someone and also genuinely like their company, laugh together, share little moments, and even show affection without it automatically meaning they want a committed relationship. That’s the tricky part with FWB situations: the lines can blur. Sometimes it’s just companionship plus sex, sometimes it grows into more, and sometimes it stays in that in‑between space. The other part of it is that they can say and do these things to keep the sex part. Normally I'd say to say that his behavior is giving you mixed signals and that you want to understand whether this is just fun for him or if he's open to something more. But as you can see, you kind of already did and he won't elaborate if it was FWB or more. When someone consistently avoids clarifying, even after you’ve asked directly, that silence is an answer in itself. It usually means they’re comfortable with things staying as they are. Wanting clarification makes sense because he's blurred the lines himself. Holding your hand, buying flowers, talking about holidays, and saying he misses you, that goes beyond a typical FWB setup. It’s only natural that you’d want to know what those gestures mean. This will continue to remain confusing for you as long as you keep letting him set the tone. You have to draw that line and tell him to tone it down with the romantic gestures. Otherwise, he’s creating expectations, and that keeps you stuck in confusion.

Sorry that it has happened to you. It is happening against because your husband is a cheater who can’t be trusted. Obviously, you should divorce him as soon as possible. The chances that a marriage could be repaired after one of the partners had had a 3-year affair were very slim to begin with. It wasn’t some kind of a one-time drunken slip, it was a whole chunk of life spent engaging in systematic deception. Just imagine what kind of person is capable of lying to his spouse for 3 (!) years. Please stop hurting yourself and divorce that man.

I know this is kind of an old thread but it reminded me on how my mom told me that dating shouldn’t really be a priority since she can’t picture me having kids and I should just focus on making friends. Anyways, you can date without wanting kids. There are other people out there who don’t want kids or any more. If you seriously do not want kids and it’s causing you so much anxiety you might want to consider a vasectomy.

Emotions shouldn’t be involved… at all! I always refer to this scenario as a “sex buddy” IF you intend to change the dynamics then say so! Otherwise keep quiet about emotions and just have sex!