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It’s a girl he used to date

Yep. It's a no-win for him. You treat him like your property rather than a grown man who's navigated his whole life before you without any need to be accountable for the behaviors of others. You're acting like a bottomless pit, and if you don't change that right now, you're going to lose him. It's not just about avoiding fights. The fights are caused by your pouting and shutdowns that ruin his days and cause him to walk on eggshells around you. Nobody who is healthy would choose a partner who is that moody and controlling.

I would not be comfortable with my partner keeping such a significant secret from me, either. It's a fairly serious lie of omission. I am wondering what motivated this other person to share this with you. Who is this person?

Some of it I didn’t find important enough to disclose. I understand why he didn’t want to tell me but still

Well then, maybe whatever compelled you to not tell your boyfriend everything is the same thing that made him hide details from his own past as well. Think why you haven’t disclosed everything to him, and maybe you’ll understand him better.

Yes we did that’s why I’m so upset. I told him mostly everything but not everything. I’ll talk to him about it

You should definitely talk to him about that. Just try not to sound disgusted or accusatory. When you started the relationship, did you both agree to tell each other everything? Did you tell him everything about your past? It’s unfortunate that he chose to hide that from you, but some people with a wild sexual past do that because they think their partner wouldn’t be able to handle the truth.

A little of both but more the fact he didn’t tell me. I would still feel like that if I saw a video of him and his ex girlfriend. I don’t know why he did it and I am trying not to let it ruin anything

Are you upset because of the fact he used to do porn or because he didn’t tell you about it? I understand that it’s very unpleasant to discover something like this after two years of relationship. That’s why I’m a big believer in complete honesty and transparency between partners regarding one’s own past. That said, try to see it his way. He is probably ashamed of having done porn. You don’t know what caused him to choose to do that in the past. He hid that fact precisely because he knew you’d react this way. If he has never cheated on you and everything else in your relationship is great, maybe it would be wise to not let the past destroy it? As for you being disgusted when watching his porn clip, I dare say many people would be disgusted watching any video of their partner having sex with another person. Would you feel better if you saw a video of him having passionate, loving sex with his ex-girlfriend?

We’ve been together for 2 years. I just found out he used to do gay porn like 4 years ago. He never told me about it. I’m having a hard time kissing him now because I saw a video of him doing something that really makes me feel like it’s gross to kiss him. I saw him giving a rimjob to a guy and I couldn’t watch anymore. Someone he knows told me about it and sent me a link and that’s how I found it. I don’t know what to do now. I feel so down because of this and I feel like everything is a lie

Definitely tell the coworkers you are leaving. My sister was a nurse for 40 years, and there was an accepted ritual of hospital workers telling the remaining workers they were leaving. Why does that idea so upset you? And no, not harassment at all. Actually, it's the practice (probably a requirement) at many workplaces that run 24 hours a day and people are coming and going off shifts.

literally not harassment.

Reading your story really hit home. I’m going through a rough divorce myself, and even though the details are different, the emotional weight feels familiar. What’s been hardest for me is the impact on my kids — trying to communicate, stay calm, and not let my pain spill into their world. Some days it feels overwhelming, so I look for small ways to keep myself grounded, whether that’s routines, reflection, or even tools I’ve come across on https://progearph.org while trying to take better care of both my mind and body. We all deserve peace and respect after what we’ve been through, don't we??

Exactly. Coming at it from the angle of "what is this guys deal?" doesnt really line up. A lot of people would just consider him weird and possibly a bit dangerous and move on pretty quickly. What makes more sense is if OP found him to have a bit of bad boy appeal and wanted to change and mould him to fit her image of what she wants, thereby proving herself worthy and powerful, rather than just finding someone who is a better fit to begin with.

Kindly, I would urge you to do some serious work on your self-worth before you venture back into dating, OP. You have very flimsy boundaries and your bar is set way too low. The wrong sorts of people, like this man, are going to try to exploit your naivety and emotion al vulnerability.

It’s clear you found a certain appeal to his confidence or intensity at first, I mean, you said this has been going on for over a year? You're quite naive and I don't mean that as a dig towards you but you were operating from a place of hope, loneliness, and inexperience while he milked that for all it was worth. He knew exactly how to keep you hooked just enough to stay in his orbit. I'm glad you've stepped away from it but even posting on here you're still in a way trying to understand his behaviour. I know you're seeking clarity but your time would be better spent focusing on why this dynamic pulled you in, what needs or vulnerabilities it tapped into, and how you can strengthen those parts of yourself so someone like him never gets that kind of access again. If you respond back to someone who doesn’t share your values and they push back, you’re not having a conversation anymore you’re being trained to doubt yourself. That’s the moment to step away, not to negotiate. And that’s really the core of what happened here. Some people will keep pushing back until you learn to be assertive enough to say, this isn't working for me, bye!

Why even engage for that long? You're the one claiming you're looking for a loyal and long-term relationship. The moment a stranger crosses lines into behavior you wouldn't respect from a loyal and long-term partner, that's the time to shut them down and block them. No negotiation is necessary. If you want to waste your time on erotic seducers, that's not against the law, it's just not productive. It's one more barrier to finding the right man you're placing in your own way.

Just to be clear - I have blocked him now.

I think you're missing what your boyfriend is actually telling you. When he says "it hurts that I don't love him enough to trust him," he's not talking about trusting him not to cheat. He's talking about the constant emotional labor of reassuring you, the tension every time you go out, the fights over situations where he did nothing wrong. You say you trust him, but then you pick fights after he literally kissed you in front of someone to show he's taken. That's not about the other woman anymore, that's about you needing him to prove himself over and over again. That's exhausting for a partner. Good on you for booking therapy. In the meantime, when you feel that jealousy spike, try asking yourself "what did HE actually do wrong here?" If the answer is nothing, then you need to physically remove yourself like you did with the surfing until you can process it without making it his problem.

You're nostalgic for the comfort and familiarity, not the actual relationship. The fact that you specifically say you don't love him romantically anymore is your answer. You miss having a partner and best friend, not necessarily him as your partner. Also worth noting that he's being avoidant again, the same pattern that contributed to your breakup. Three years later and he still hasn't worked on that. People can change, but it doesn't sound like he has. The "right person, wrong time" thing is usually just a comforting story we tell ourselves. If you were truly right for each other, you'd feel more than just comfortable nostalgia.

The real question is why are you still trying to figure him out instead of just blocking and moving on? He's told you exactly who he is multiple times, someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and keeps pushing after you've said no. That's all you need to know. Doesn't matter if it's a fetish thing, manipulation, or whatever. The pattern is clear: you say you're uncomfortable, he ignores it and keeps pushing. That's not someone looking for a relationship, that's someone looking for someone they can wear down.

unsolicited advice...DO NOT be so graceful about what a saint your wife is when speaking to your lawyer. no one cares what she tried to do or what changes she's worked on in the past. bottom line, she wants an open marriage and is no longer willing to be monogamous and committed to you, and that's all you need to repeat to yourself about getting divorced. and to your lawyer.

here's the thing. their normal is fine for them. if their normal does not seem normal to you, then block and stop talking to them. their normal doesn't have to make sense to you, and it's fine to not agree with their normal not matching what you feel to be normal.

My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been together about 8 years. We have two young kids (5 and 2). The younger one still struggles with sleeping through the night, and we split bedtime and nighttime responsibilities between us. I work full-time in a high-stress job while she works part-time. The younger one just started daycare a month ago. Over time I realize that one source of friction is how we experience desire. I tend to feel desire more spontaneously, while she seems to respond more once things are already in motion. She enjoys sex when we have it, but rarely initiates. Before kids, our sex life and physical affection felt easier and more frequent—sex about twice a week, daily cuddling, and affection that wasn’t always tied to sex. Since our second child, I’ve tried to make sure I am supporting her and giving her enough time to be her own person. I want to be clear that I’m not listing these things as a transaction or expectation, just as context. I am not just watching sports while she is cooking dinner and raising our kids. I handle most meals, laundry, dishes, trash, planning date nights, arranging babysitters, and we do monthly “how are we doing” check-ins. We also try to continue with daily non-sexual affection, like kissing goodbye and offering compliments. I’ve come to accept that she will probably always initiate sex and physical affection less than I do. To her credit, she does show affection in her own ways—playful teasing, coming up behind me for a quick kiss, and occasional compliments. What I find harder is that over time she’s also stopped putting much effort into her appearance, even on date nights. This isn’t about a specific look or standard, but more so I miss feeling visually or romantically desired sometimes. The feeling of, "Wow, she put that effort in for my attention," like when you first start dating. I still find her very attractive and think about her often. She has mild depression and sees a therapist. She also sometimes asks, half-jokingly, whether I’m infatuated with anyone else, which makes me wonder if insecurity is part of what’s going on. I’m not trying to change who she is or pressure her. I’m trying to figure out how to talk honestly about wanting to feel desired in the relationship without sounding shallow, critical, or like I’m adding another burden—especially given the stress of young kids and everything she’s already carrying. For those who’ve been through similar stages of marriage or parenting: how would you approach this topic of wanting to feel desired?

And why on earth would you want to change something like that? Its something that afflicts a lot of us in dating. "If I could just change them" etc. But you have to realise you dont have power over anyone else. If they are showing you who they are believe them and leave it alone. If I met someone for who was say for example polyamorous, if thats what theyre into why would I make it a project to change their mind and make them someone whos only into me, rather than just finding someone who wants the same thing as me?