All Activity

As stated in an earlier post, it's somewhat risky for me to give too much detail (as it may serve to identify me). Though at this point, I might even welcome my wife finding and reading this thread. First, the certainty. This is the near 2-year A while I was away. A new neighbor moved in down the street a month or two after I left. He was single (divorced, I believe), about 4-5 yrs younger than my wife, "cute," and he began to hang out quite regularly with another neighbor couple who my wife and I were very good friends with. So the 4 of them became a regular item at the neighbor's house, and at neighborhood events/parties. Obviously not in a declared/overt A way, but the bottom line was the 4 of them hung our a lot. In fact, I was home for a short weekend about 5 mos in (away), and driving by the new neighbor's house, my then-HS daughter said to me, "have you met [name] yet - you know Mom hangs out with him at the [neighbor couple]'s house a lot, and she thinks he's really cute." So I met him that weekend, and when he was introduced to me, I said, "so your [wife's name]'s 'substitute husband'?" I told him to be sure to "take good care of her" while I'm gone. A few months later - I was now overseas - my wife told me he wanted to take her out to dinner to "thank her" for welcoming him to the neighborhood and being so friendly and hospitable. I told her it sounded like a date to me - honestly, while getting hard - and she said, no, no, he just wants to thank me. She kinda caught on that maybe I was encouraging the date aspect, so she reverted back to, no, no, I'm not going then. I backed off the date talk, and told her I understood it was platonic, etc., and she could go if she'd like. TBH, I have no idea whether they went or not. Three other indicia; two sexual, and one verbal. I was back home 2x in this near 2-year period. Each time, my wife did some sexual things with me that she had never done before [in 28 years together]! One was a position we had never done; the other was she had shaved "down there." You tell me how those things pop out of nowhere after 28 years!?? And here's the nail in the coffin. About a month after I had returned for good, we were at a fundraiser for this guy's ill father. It was winter, so I left to get the car. I forgot my wife had the keys, so I went back in about 10 mins. My wife was talking to him with her back to me. As I got close, I heard it say, "no, it's ok - I'll just start cheating on him." Um, does it get any more clear than that? So it seemed pretty clear to me, he had called it off since I was now home. She had no doubt told him at some point early on, that it wasn't cheating, because I had given her the "hall pass" I mentioned in my first post. She might have even told him I was a self-proclaimed cuckold, but regardless whether she had added that, he must have told her he wasn't going to continue their A as I was home and any "hall pass' had expired. My wife's desperate response - no, she was willing to now "cheat" on me. I confronted her in the car, and she went nuts - frankly, I don't even recall what her defense was. To me, I was barely listening because I had quite obviously put 2+2+2+2 together. Oh, one last thing (almost forgot). About 3-4 yrs later, my wife tells me that [neighbor - now remarried] had called her and told her he was being blackmailed by some guy who claimed to have "proof-positive" that he had an affair a few years prior with his neighbor's wife while her H was away. The guy demanded that he and the W tell their respective Hs the truth, or he was going to. My wife of course told me the whole thing was preposterous and untrue, but she thought she should tell me. The neighbor had his IT people trace the computer IP address to California, but he never heard another thing (to my knowledge anyway), and it all went away with my wife laughing it off. So, you tell me - did she have an A with this guy? The other possible guys during this period? The two BFF's Hs, and maybe another guy or two (old BF and another neighbor). Just theories - no compelling proof or near-certainty. I know the guys all would do her in a heartbeat, given the chance. I know the wives would've allowed it, if not encouraged it (long, BFF relationships). My wife visited and drank with the one couple every week - just the 3 of them - and I was told stories of the wives getting drunk. My wife also visited the other couple at their summer cottage - all drinking, boating and sunbathing. That wife is the same wife/BFF who my wife and she picked up the two guys on a girls' cruise about 10 years earlier than the A mentioned above. The 4 of them paired off and and spent 4 days with them, including getting a hotel for an extra day after the cruise. My wife claimed she had only kissed the other guy, nothing more, but a couple weeks later, I found a note she had hidden with his full name, address, email, tel, and birthday(?). She also told me - and this was kind of the height of my encouraging the hotwife/cuckold activities - that she'd like to ask him to come visit and stay with us for a few days. She said it was more for sightseeing, but I saw it differently. Not the usual thing a wife suggests to her husband. I have no idea whether she asked him or not, but nothing ever came of it. Anyway, on another occasion where we were visiting this same couple at their cottage, my wife actually asked/dared this BFF H to follow her up to the cottage if he was interested (again, drinking, bikini...). I told him to go ahead, didn't bother me. He didn't. But, that night, when I came to bed, I told my my wife that BFF's H was still up and he was watching porn. My wife then got out of bed - wearing a flimsy night shirt as I recall - and said she was going to go see what [H name] was up to. I told her to enjoy herself. I fell asleep before she came back to bed. So, once again, you tell me whether my W has had sex with other guys, whether cheating, on a hall pass, or cuckolding me. There's my proof/evidence. Bottom line: she's never admitted it. If it wasn't with my full knowledge and approval - before or after - that's cheating, nothing else.

To be honest you both sound all over the place, and it seems like the communication sucked. Consistency is key, if you get two people together who seem entirely unsure what if anything they want, sooner or later the "vibe" as he put it is going to be weird and its not going to go any further.

Have you built a healthy, well-rounded social life? If not, start there, from the ground up, over time. Let the dating incorporate itself into that naturally as your scope expands and you keep meeting new people.

Umm... how old are the two of you again?

I spat out my drink!!

Consider that texting more than twice a day may be a sign that someone needs something more productive to do.

Hey it works though in Crusader Kings 3 when you want to get yourself a powerful ally.

What has got you so covinced she had these affairs? Meaning, what sort of evidence have you found?

Guys, I've tried to respond here to you, but either I don't know what I'm doing, or there is some control where the original poster cannot add to or continue the conversation?? I guess I'll try one more time. This issue is not an overt one between us. Your answers seem to suggest there is an ongoing tension or trouble between us. No, nothing of the sort. This "bitter and sad" [ness] is only in my head. Neither the hotwifing/cuckolding thing, nor the past affair(s), real or imagined, known or unknown, are ever discussed. We live a normal, happy life. Once in a blue moon, she might make a reference to my A, but not meanly or to start anything - just in an understood context, and then dropped. Same with the HW/Cuck thing. It might pop up in a movie or book we're listening to, and then it's gone just as quickly, not discussed. My issue that is occasionally eating at me, and which I am giving more thought as I age, is my becoming more bitter and sad that I am living out my days with a woman who has lied, and will have lied, to me about maybe the most important thing in a married couple's life - fidelity - for the better part of 50 years by the time we die. 50 years where I [figuratively] wear the Scarlet Letter "A", while she gets off scott-free as the dutiful, loving wife, ONLY because I told the truth and admitted it when confronted, whereas she denied it and lied about it, repeatedly, and then for the next 30 years presently, and possibly 50+ total. FWIW, I have actually read that women will deny an affair until the ends of the earth, whereas men are more apt to confess. I think this is because women are programmed to always appear proper and chaste, and they'll cling to that image no matter what. It's part of their identity. In my instance, this also explains why she never accepted or agreed to be a hotwife and cuckold me - because I'd then obviously know she was having sex with other men - but instead chose to do it anyway, i.e. cheat, and not tell me. Man, the irony in that! How do I get over this? Should I get over this? Should I risk everything, and confront her about her fidelity? Lay it on the line - "I'm not asking you, Honey, I know you did. I know I asked you to; I know I told you I wanted you to; I know I told you it'd be ok - but that was all contingent on you being truthful with me about everything. Instead, you rejected my fantasy - something we could have shared; something that actually could have been part of our sex-life and relationship (most studies saying it enhances that) - calling me sick and demanding I get counseling. Instead you went out and cheated on me. More than once, with more than one man, and not just flings or one-nighters, but you had a boyfriend for nearly 2 years!!! Pls, just be honest w me. That's all I am asking. I'm not going anywhere; we're not ending; we're forever, Honey, but I am entitled to the truth and honesty from the love of my life before I leave this planet. Can't you give me that?"

this was the very clear reason for the breakup, there is no mystery here. he didn't feel the vibe, and "was not that into you"

He already told you why he broke things off. He wasn't that attracted to you and didn't feel a "vibe" with you. What else is there to know? You just need to move on. Yes, honestly, texting him again would probably be making a fool of yourself. Because he already let you know that he's not that into you and doesn't want to continue seeing you. There is no point of digging for more answers... you aren't going to get any. And there is no such thing as "closure". The only "closure" you are going to get is when you leave this in the past and move on, and stop overanalyzing this.

It doesn't sound like there was much physical chemistry between you two at all. When a guy tells a girl that he wants a girl who goes to the gym and works out that is an indication that he probably isn't that attracted to the girl he is saying that to. If you had been pleasuring him a lot that would have made up for it a bit but you clearly weren't doing that. I'm honestly a little surprised this made it to the ninth or tenth date.

Well, in Reddit terminology, ESH (“everybody sucks here”). He shouldn’t have said that dumb thing about preferring girls who work out. On the other hand, seeing as your own interest in him was lukewarm at best, it’s hard to understand what exactly you wanted from him. Also, anyone who makes such sweeping generalizations about an entire gender for no good reason at all should be aware that this kind of thinking is a major turn-off.

May I ask why you'd even want to continue seeing someone who said such a thing to you? He's telling you that your body isn't his type. That was not kind of him and shows he lacks tact. There was no need to add that comment. Having said that, this was also not smart on your part: There is no way I would continue dating someone who did this, girl. You're not ready for another relationship if this is your headspace, and it's generally very off-putting to new guys. Also, how did your respond to this?:

Hey all. I want your help figuring this thing out. I was seeing a guy regularly for a month. We went on about nine or ten dates (or more like hangouts). We hung out quite often, at his place or driving in his car together. His ex had cheated on him and he had forgiven her, but they eventually broke up. He played the guitar, I sang, and we were planning to perform on the street together. There was almost no physical intimacy between us for seven dates, only during two of the last meetings at his place. He said he had previously been seeing a girl from Tinder for a month or so and realized it wasn’t right — that there was no “vibe” or something. He said she got pissed. He said he liked me, that I was pretty, and that he wanted to kiss me. I didn’t kiss him at that time. I initially saw him as a friend and wasn't that attracted to him but later on I became really into him. I wasn't initiating any physical contact though. He asked what this was leading to. He said he was unsure whether I was looking for friendship or more. He said “decide,” and “at worst our paths will part and I’ll stop trying in this way" (like grabbing my hand, cuddling, etc). He would offer me alcohol. He told me to think it over after confessing that he found me attractive. He said he "didn't know how to act" after his confession. Later, during one of our dates, we kissed passionately (he initiated it). I also stroked his hair and there was some intimacy between us. We hugged too but didn’t have sex. After that, he started rescheduling plans. In general, he would cancel quite a lot, either because of being sick or working on his game that he's creating, training etc. I often complained to him about my ex too much and even cried once. During the last date he didn’t kiss me, only hugged for hello and goodbye. He pulled back and didn't text me all day until the evening. Yesterday evening he messaged me and offered to drive over to bring me my hat I had left at his place. He wanted to talk. He said he didn’t feel the vibe with me, that I was pretty, that we both liked music, that I was talented but “you see we’re not texting each other.” He also said “a girl who goes to the gym and works out a lot is probably more my type" (I didn't really go to the gym). He said something about a lack of vibe and that we will both focus on finding someone for us. At the end, he said, “no hard feelings?” and hugged me. He didn’t even consider friendship. On his dating profile he claimed he was looking for something long or short-term. What happened here? I kinda want to text him for closure but I'm scared I'll make a fool of myself. Why say all that dumb sh.t and then pull this trash? Did he think I friendzoned him? Was he not that into me? I just wish at this point I could become gay, srsly. I hate men.

Hello. Im fresh out of a relationship and am at a bit of a loss. Im 22. My ex and i were childhood friends. Dated in teens. We were always close, but now that its over, i feel like i dont quite know how to approach new people, how to put myself out there for a restart. Im pretty sure ontop of that, im quite sure im cutting a big chunk of the pool out, cause i dont want kids. At all. No desire for it. This was the reason for me and my ex breaking up aswell. So yeah, id appreciate tips on how to restart. Maybe people who had similar experiences have something to share? Idk. Ill take any tips i can get. Thanks.

There is not enough here to guess if he is interested. Why don't you send him a message to say hello and try to start a conversation?

Either way, this is not a friendship I would ever consider revisiting.

You see yourself marrying him after three dates? Do you realize how utterly insane this is? I’m sorry, but you sound completely unhinged and out of touch with reality. Your readiness to get together and get married with the first person who’d be up for it is a huge turn-off and a major red flag. I think your issues go way beyond the dates with this man. Please consider seeing a therapist.

v We are both in our Mid 50’s. I met a man at a business function and thought he was attractive. Strictly professional. It turns out my friend actually knows him and told him I thought he was hot. He sent me a request to follow me on social media a few months later. He has liked recent pictures my friend has posted of me and her. I’m wondering if he may be interested.

You can't possibly know someone well enough after 3 dates to be saying you want to marry them. As a 25 year old adult, you should know this. You sound like you have some significant mental health issues. As soon as he sees signs of it, he is going to run for the hills. You need to worry less about rushing into marriage and more about working on yourself mentally and emotionally.

100% sure. Could've been the other way round at most, but he's just obsessed with the platonic "very deep" friendship while I'm more relaxed and, above all, I have changed because my life needs have changed.

Right, but this is pretty run-of-the-mill stuff for long and close friendships. I don't quite get what's particularly intense about it. Are you sure you didn't/ don't have stronger feelings for him than just a friend?

You need to get your mental health sorted before you will be ready for marriage and children.

if you want your answer on how he feels about you, then let him know that after three dates you want to marry him and have his children. he'll give you his answer.