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I knew when I started dating my new gf that she had a 12yr old daughter, that for more than a decade they only had each other, and were basically joined at the hip. My partner is a stunning beauty, several years younger than me, from a different culture, and I consider myself the luckiest man on earth. Hee daughter is basically a little clone, and they share a lot. Personally I think my GF treats her a little too much like a young adult, but as I said different cultures and besides they are her decisions as parent, not for me to criticise. I learned pretty quickly that she is precocious, outgoing, and had no boundaries. We'd barely began dating when her daughter started calling me "papa" and had gone through my facebook and introduced herself to my kids (who are all older and adults now.) Now I love them both, but there are aspects that I find very confronting and quite frankly disturbing. And at times, I worry that she has gone beyond simple "charming precociousness" and is deliberately pushing boundaries to get a reaction. It would be easier to read is she wasn't just such a great kid and joy to have around. Plus there is still a cultural barrier, and a slight language barrier that they both love to duck behind. When I first visited my GF, I was very confused (but ultimately a little relived) that her willingness to let me see her undress, naked, and even bath with me, did not equate to a similarly casual attitude towards sex. This attitude seems to be cultural, but I still find it very disturbing. The first time we went to their beach, both she and her daughter, wore nothing but a "string" bikini bottom (and even the string was removed for tanning purposes.) Needless to say that after that I decided their beaches were too "cold" for me. And where we live now I've convinced them that the sun is too dangerous. We've now been together for a while, and we've both come to refer to her as "our" daughter, but I still respect my partner's role as her primary parent. I just don't know how to deal with the more inappropriate aspects of her behaviour. Unfortunately my partner just thinks I'm a puritan and makes a joke of it. She is still not even 14 yet, and I'm worried that her attitude may get her into strife. My partner is an incredible woman, but yeah she got pregnant to a boyfriend who disappeared from their lives shortly thereafter. And when she tells me that she was already having sex at her daughter's age, and that she will have sex when she feels ready for it, that really upsets me.

This really got me. I had something similar happen when I moved and my whole routine changed, and a friend who'd been in my life for years just couldn't adjust to the new version of things. She kept treating any gap in contact as proof I didn't care, and no amount of "I'm still here, just differently" seemed to land. I think some people experience closeness as constant presence, and when that changes, they feel abandoned even if nothing actually ended. That doesn't make them wrong exactly, but it also doesn't mean you're failing at friendship. You clearly put a lot into this relationship over a long time. The fact that your life evolved isn't a betrayal, even if it feels that way to him.

Speak for yourself. Not everyone is that hypocritical, seflish, or afraid of the consquences of their own behaviour.

Never actually used that term before, but I saw that thread and wanted to add my 2 cents worth. I may not have fully grasped the nuances of everything you posted, but the take I get from it is this: Your partner sometimes sleeps over, your son wants to crawl into the middle, and your partner objects. Sorry, but in my view, that's not right. Whether or not your son should be allowed into your bed, is a separate issue, for you to decide. But your partner needs to accept that you are a package deal. Furthermore, if he expects to become part of your life, then that means becoming a part-time step-dad. And honestly, there are a LOT more challenging things ahead, than "cosleeping." Just waits till he hits puberty and turns into a little a-hole. For context, a couple of years back I met a lady with a young teenage daughter. I knew going in that for the past decade, they had only each other and were joined at the hip. I pretty quickly learned that she was precocious, inappropriate, and without boundaries. So yeah, she still climbs into bed with us to have a conversation, or watch a movie. And again, honestly, that's the least of the issues. Having a teenage daughter again, is something I thought was behind me.

As someone who lives in the US, why would you want to bring a foreigner here in 2026 with very high odds she will be detained and stuck in a camp? I am speechless.

Didn't mean to come across that way. It's that the vast majority of them I simply find far more interesting than Americans, as well as from a far more interesting part of the world. I've dated multiple, but only one that was actually born and raised in a part of Asia (Hangzhou). I love everything she told me about her country, but most of it was just confirmation of things I had already heard/known about, as I had the interest long before her. A lot of my own decor is Asian (a unique mix of Gothic/Victorian and Asian). And I think their architectural history is beautiful. I'm just going to leave it at that, as I know it probably comes off as me continuing to generalize, when I know there are many, many parts of "Asia", all with different cultures, history, architecture, etc. But I would pick literally any of those types of architecture/style over anything you'd find here in America. It's simply my taste.

There is a whole lot of healthy middle ground between clingy and aloof. You need a mature partner who wouldn’t lovebomb and try to possess you but at the same time would have genuine feelings for you. Such people do exist, keep looking and don’t settle for someone who makes you feel very uncomfortable on either side of the extreme.

Do you even know what the meaning of "fetishized" actually is, or were you so anxious to post your reactionary, ill-considered straw man attack that you didn't think it through before you tried to fulfill your clear desperate need for self-aggrandizement via attacking others? Number one, look up the definition of "fetishize". Number two, what in any of what I wrote there indicates this is a "fetish"? In fact, I make it quite clear I do NOT want it to be purely a superficial (sexual) thing - I want something genuine. You're aware of this, even use my exact word "genuine", yet just before it, use a term that completely contradicts that intent. You're either very confused, or don't know English very well... You accuse someone of "fetishizing" if they say they prefer one skin color over another? You think it's "fetishizing" if they want someone with their same political views? I mean really, what are you thinking behind that keyboard???

Right. I've usually ended up dating with people who were showing consistent interest from the beginning and the ones where I was contantly wondering what was going on would never take off, but the couple of times I ended up dating someone who was hot/cold and distant it goes back to baseline in the end even if there's a period where their interest starts to raise. Usually for me it's happened in the form of picking a fight out of nothing when it seemed possible we were going to get a bit closer.

I get you, but there is a middle ground. Not everyone is going to be aloof and making you feel you're not sure where you stand, or feeling abandoned if they don't hear from you for a few hours because you're busy. There are people who are affectionate and want to communicate with you and are also chill and understand you have a life outside them. IMO that's generally the kind of partner you want to look for.

Nah. You're just looking for a convenient excuse to continue your own selfish behaviour.

A tradition that disrespects, denigrates, and objectifies women or human beings in general to this degree is not something worth keeping. Sooner or later this mindset will die out and humans will regard it as yet another ugly remnant of the past, much like we regard slavery or cannibalism now. If this kind of perverse idea of dignity doesn’t disgust you, then I don’t think there is anything else to say here. Regardless, it’s astonishing that you’re trying to justify her behavior by appealing to your tradition. Surely you realize that cheating and having sex with two men is an even less traditional behavior than breaking up with a fiancé? Then why the strange mental gymnastics?

Maybe the behaviors that define 'naive' and 'grow up' in your country and my country are different. But thanks, anyway.

I admit it. You are right. What we do is dishonest and it's like a backstabbing. We are cowards and liars. I have no excuse for that. But the reality in my part of Southeast Asia is not simple. It's not just 'break up and move on'. In my country, engagement is a very big thing. Our parents and elders must talk and agree together first. It is a formal social contract between families, not just a promise between two people. Also, after she engaged, she moved to live with him. Everyone in our town knows they live together and have sex. In our traditional view, if she breaks up now, people will look at her like 'damaged goods' or a 'second-hand woman.' Her reputation will be gone forever. We met after she already had a fiancé. She thinks I might be her 'true love,' but she must be 100% sure. In my culture, if she leaves him for me and we fail later, she can never go back. Her fiancé and his family will never take her back. She will have nothing—no husband and no dignity. So this 6-month wait is not for fun or testing sex. It’s for certainty. She is keeping two men at the same time because she is very scared. If she loses both of us, she has no place in society. She wants to be sure about me before she destroys her whole life for me.

That’s good. When I said I decided to 'walk away,' I meant it quite literally. I am walking away from staying in their house because I agree with the members here that it is too risky and disrespectful. So, I’m living in my new private condo 300 meters away from their house.

Thanks. Hope all is well. I don’t think anything has be deleted, but you never know.

I have spent a year with my married man. We work together. It is not my proudest moment to begin with, but I fell so hard for him. Our chemistry is amazing. He has always told me he cannot give me 100% and he will never leave his wife for me. His wife is not aware of his affair. Things were going so well up until 6 months ago, when he started flirting subtly with our coworker. He denies any attraction to her, tells me he doesn’t see her as anything more than just a colleague. But things keep adding up and his actions are speaking louder than his words are. She’s leaving in a couple of months to a new country, and you’d think this would be a good thing, but I am almost certain he will try to contact her when she goes and they will end up with a relationship out of work. They aren’t in contact outside of work currently, but I only think that’s because she is trying to remain professional. She’s 10 years older than me and closer to his age. I can’t say for sure if she’s into him, but I think she is. She’s so friendly with him at work, and I can tell he loves the attention she gives him. I have caught him checking her out, signing off emails with “Xx”, she comes to him for advice and they are have a close work relationship. We are constantly arguing about her, I thought I was the only woman for him aside from his wife. He made me feel special. As much as he denies it I just cannot trust him. He clearly has eyes for her. I am constantly comparing myself to her, is she better than me?? I don’t think I am, i’d like to say i’m an attractive girl. But he clearly has his desires. If he can do it to his wife, why would I be any different? I have asked him this, but he never acknowledges it. Above all this, he says he expects me to be loyal to just him, yet he’s the one with a wife, also showing an interest in this other girl. I only want him, but why should I put up with this any longer? I need to protect myself from the inevitable hurt. I’ve cut him off and told him to give me space. It hurts, especially seeing him at work every day, but I don’t think I have any other option, I need to get over him. I cannot do this anymore.

Well, the latter aspect would be armageddon, marital suicide. Hey, it might not be right, but it's true - not looking for that. If/when our M were to end (and I don't see or want that), I'd like it to at least be under my terms. Again, that may not be right/fair, but I think nearly everyone is in the end about their own self-interests.

I don't see a problem in asking your wife for honesty about her suspected affairs. You should be candid about yours, too.

Prologue - it seems some posts/comments come and go on this site. I read a few comments late yesterday that were quite good - especially 77's - and they're gone this morning. Why is that? Nothing controversial or seemingly against the rules. I was looking forward to responding to them. ??? Yes, 62, there's some hypocrisy here, however they're not quite the same IMO. I think I already distinguished them as apples and oranges. One is lying about having sex w multiple men outside the marriage when asked directly about it. The other is harboring thoughts and memories about an ex-GF/AP with whom I was once in love (a GF/AP I wholly admitted to when asked). One is blatant dishonesty and the other is not that abnormal (especially as one hits "old age," and contemplates "might have beens."). To the latter, if one cannot come on this relationship board and post about old relationships without being accused of having a "very recent" A or bad behavior, then what's the point of having it? Not exactly a safe space. What percentage of people on this board still think about their old GFs/BFs/ex-APs? I'd venture to guess, most. EPI - I have not acted in 16+ years and I don't have any plans to. I think a few people were saying it is an option - not necessarily recommending it, but an option. I don't feel bad, or "dishonest" about thinking about my ex-AP. Clearly finding out in the last month that she has moved 20 miles away from me when we were separated by 100s of miles for 25 of the last 28 years (and 95% of the on/off relationship we had over the course of 12 years) is a reasonable if not expected cause of increased thoughts and memories. I came here to ask what others thought of that change, and what they might recommend. Most say, let it go. Many say, come clean w your W and ask/demand she come clean w you. Some say, it's up to you - pros and cons in both directions. While I don't have any plans to try to contact my ex-AP, I do think I have moved a tad closer to confronting my W about her past sexual As. Again, that was more the other thread, but responses to both threads have moved me closer to believing I/we have to get that out in the open for my mental health in my last couple decades. IIRC, 77 had a very good post about that yesterday - a lot about my W weaponizing anger to stop me in my tracks, and not to let her succeed w that. Anyone and everyone I have ever told my story about W's behavior has said there is no doubt she had these As (and most were women). If she goes bonkers and threatens our M over me asking honest questions, then so be it. I am not in the wrong about wanting the truth. Yup, 62 (and others), there is some hypocrisy and righteousness in that, but at least in my mind, these aren't the same. Mostly because my past sin is out in the open - my W knows about ex-AP because I admitted to her - and her past sin is hidden and lied about. My recent thoughts and memories? Just that, thoughts and memories.

I didn’t expect this topic to get that much attention, so sorry if I’m vague. Yes, I don’t like being showered in affection. In my past relationship, my partner was very loving, very caring, clingy and at times possessive. It felt less loving and more objectifying. As much as I loved her, I felt pressure to match that intensity (as if I didn’t show that same intensity back, it would feel as if I didn’t like her) I don’t like the hot and cold, unwilling to communicate emotional game, but it’s much easier for me to fall for them. I’m trying to unlearn how. Long story short, I find it easier to be with someone calm and not necessarily so intense romantically— but the people I find who are calm, are often more aloof.

Not sure if this is in the right section but here goes.. Ive been with my girlfriend for 3 years, were both in our 40s, the relationship itself has been very good. A little back story, she left her violent, controlling ex 4 years ago and moved 3 hours away, a year later we met, then the controlling ex followed, they have kids together too, apart from keeping our relationship from him, everything was good, she got a job, new friends, which she was never allowed, we was flowing really, we didnt get to see each other as much as we liked due to living an hour apart and working constant, that being said, not a day went by that we werent on the phone, literally every day. A year ago we had our 1st holiday abroad together, memories that will last a life time really, fast forward to a month ago, we had our 2nd holiday abroad, yet another awesome time. Over the next 3 weeks after getting back, we have spoke on the phone daily, until 8 days ago, she rang me as per usual on the morning, the conversation was normal, and as she was going she said she will phone later, love you. Then i heard nothing from her for 6 days, i sent 3 texts in this time, stating i was worried etc, 2 days ago she replied saying she was mentally exhausted with work, has no time for anything or anyone and just wants to shut down, cant focus on texting or phone calls and that its hard to explain,.. This happened a while back and lasted 3 days, i replied to her just asking if she still wanted to be with me, probs wrong thing to ask, and mentioned our 3rd holiday that id booked, which we was both excited about, shes not read the message in 2 days either and i know shes been online as ive seen her listening music, shes not removed me off anything either. Also, there was no signs she was losing interest or anything. I just need advice on what to do as this is killing me, so many thoughts goin through my head, ive not tried contacting her since either, this silence, for this long isnt like her... Do i wait and give her space, i just dont know. Thankyou for any advice

How often are you crying? And why are you crying so much in this relationship? I was going to ask the same.

There should be no plans at all - immediate or otherwise. It's time you let go. Way past time.

It's better that you're apart now, OP. Neither of you seems to have a handle on healthy dating, and as such, don't really have the skills to navigate issues like this one. There are boundary issues on both sides and a lack of discretion overall. This was not a good match. Better to close the door, reflect, and see what you can learn from this experience moving forward.