All Activity

I have lived in Italy for more than a decade now and had relationships with Italian men. No, this sort of mentality is not prevalent. Why are you so invested in their relationship? Are you in love with her?

I wonder that too. My guess is our OP's ego is a bit bruised that she changed her mind.

What you experienced is actually pretty common in online dating: mismatched expectations and unclear communication. Some people test boundaries, some avoid being direct, and others genuinely don’t see late-night invitations as unusual. If you’re looking to avoid this kind of confusion in the future, one strategy is to set clear meeting standards early on — like suggesting coffee, lunch, or an afternoon meetup for a first encounter. That way, you filter out people who aren’t aligned with your comfort zone. But, and this isn't a judgment, you seem to get off on older women being into you for purely sexual reasons. So, what does it matter.

So you've been with this guy since you were 21, and now the relationship has run its course and you know this isn't the man you want to spend your life with. You owe it to yourself to see what else is out there. When a relationship is going down the drain like this, the last thing you should do is get married. This will all just get worse.

Not much you can do if, for some reason, you’re momentarily trapped, but being situationally aware helps to keep you afloat until you can escape. Something you can do is learn how to become emotionally independent, to not let other people’s negativity bring you down, to lower to your expectations of other people so that when they behave badly you’re not surprised or offended. It works like this, if you go around expecting people to be a*****es, and they are, you won’t be disappointed, but if they turn out to be decent you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Is this also the time when he'd returned and told you that he wasn't very attracted to you, didn't feel a spark and was actively looking to date other women....but you wanted to be a place holder? @PandaPanda I say this kindly - you are actively stopping your own healing by rewriting the story you have with him.

This relationship ran its course a while ago, and neither of you has really accepted it yet .- but you're getting there. This is very clearly not the man for you. I get that you want to be married but you already know this isn't the one. Not exactly true, sis. Sure, the sparks simmer down and things can get stale sometimes. But this isn't just the doldrums. This is active resentment and deep unhappiness. That isn't normal. I think you will find a much better partner. You two are not suited and I think you will realize that and not even want to return to him once you've had time and space away from him.

Because a lot of selfish people like to have a place-holder until they meet rhe person they want to date. This is why you need to be very wary of a guy who circles back around after he's already told you there is no spark. It usually isn't for the right reasons.

guys can continue having sex with you and not actually like you.

i know you mentioned further that you've never had an ex reach back out, and maybe that's why this has you in a tizzy. but also, in relation to your analogy above? hey bro, i know you don't know me, but there was this broad i hooked up with for a few months years ago, and she's messaged me and tried calling me and i just ignored it, and didn't tell anyone about it (until just now typing it) because it was irrelevant to my life. ^ does that make sense? i understand you saying this doesn't matter or affect you, but the PERCEPTION is that you're making a fuss over the message so therefore it DOES matter. you know?

@Alviwhat I am saying is that if sex was infact what she was looking for it takes time to get yourself ready. These women want the guys to look as similar to their pics as possible and you aren't always going to be fixed up like that and prepared to have your clothes taken off. In situations where they want a guy to meet them at a moments notice they should be calling escort services. Not guys from dating apps who will be doing it for free. If she would have said yes I do want sex I would have needed to shower, shave, trim pubes....etc....etc....

Ok, what would you reaction be if she said: "Yeah, I am looking for sex. Come and sex me up." Why not let her down gently if you are not interested instead of calling her out on this one? You put her in a rough spot and she backtracked. I mean, she was bold and daring and maybe drunk or on drugs when she asked you to come to her place. I can't tell you how many times random guys on the net asked me to come to their apartments, houses, hotel rooms or send them my pictures at night time. I simply blocked all of them and that was it. Maybe she needed a chess partner or wanted to discuss a poetry with someone. OK, get real. She meant sex. She practically threw herself at you. I suppose, you would not question her intentions or calling her out on inviting you in if you have found her to be physically attractive. All you are saying is that she is old enough to be your mother, lol. Just say "NO" if you feel in any way shape or form uncomfortable, which you did. Why are you bothered by this and/or give it a second thought?

Hey man actually centered the point. What would you do?

On 11/28/2025 at 1:32 AM, Gebidozo said: This mentality still surfaces today occasionally, especially in backward societies. You described it exceptionally well. Do you think Italy is a country with this type of mentality prevalent? Do you think a person influenced to think this way (or who has taken it as a model from their parents' relationship) can change? If you can see the negatives, it means you know more about a healthy and just model. It would be great if you shared your experience.

I get it but at the same time it would take time to get ready for an invitation like this. These women asking these men as young as their own children over to their place before even meeting them would want them to show up looking as attractive as they can. I for instance would want to shower and shave and in many instances get a haircut. Get a nice shirt and jeans pairing ready and underwear that was fresh out of the washer and dryer. And in most cases make sure my pubes were properly trimmed. Sure I probably could have said we can do next weekend instead of tonight and if I have another woman I have never met yet calling me up that late at night asking me to come over to her place that is probably what I will do. This was a new experience for me regarding a situation like that though. I have been called up in the evening by women who I have already met two or three times asking me to come over to their place right away and in those situations they have usually already seen you naked so all that preparation isn't as necessary in that situation. But have never had an out of the blue invitation like that from a woman I had yet to meet before.

Yeah, this. I'm all for discussing expectations in advance, but even I think it's a bit jarring to respond to an invitation with "are we going to have sex?"... She probably did think she would want it, but now she doesn't.

I’m 26F and my partner is 30M I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and engaged for 1. This past year has been strange. For so many years I was hounding him for a wedding ring, wanted nothing more than to get married to him, and begin the rest of our lives together. After I got the ring, I don’t know why but this year has not been the exciting ‘I just got engaged year.’ I’ve found myself for one, really hating my job and spending most of the time of sick leave whilst I find something I enjoy. Me and my partner have had ups and downs over the years, his main downs were when he’d go out sometimes he’d overdo it and start verbally abusing me really badly at home and on an occasion in front of everyone at a festival. My main downfall is maybe after year 3, I stopped initiating sex, and stopped being so into it altogether. I don’t know I feel like after the moments he had drunk and shouting at me, my connection with him dimmed, however I loved him, he worked on his drinking and he’s doing so much better and we’ve moved forward… except sex is still not something I want at all. In fact I just wait and want it to be over. I feel like there’s no attraction, no connection. I spend 99.9% off my time, annoyed he hasn’t been proactive in doing things like helping me do laundry, cooking, cleaning. I’ll get up in the morning after he’s been up for hours, the dishes will all still be left in the sink and he’ll look straight at me and go ‘what’s for breakfast’ He doesn’t have his licence which we agreed would be the next priority for us, and he’s made 0 effort and I know once I get mine his need to get one will go out the window and I’ll be the one driving us everywhere. I think also the reality that I can’t afford the wedding I always imagined having growing up has definitely dimmed my light, because he’s older than me I know he wants kids soon and to buy a house, which also having a wedding, nothing major at all just a standard one with close friends, is not financially realistic. I feel so guilty for having this feeling of the relationship is not for me, because he is a kind guy and there are moments I’ll look at him and think I don’t want anyone else in the world, and my thoughts of breaking off are crazy but more often I think this cannot be all there is to life. I’m going to have kids and spend my life looking after him and them. All I want to do is find my passion, travel and a partner that wants to grow. There’s other things too like, I’ll want to go for a walk together to get out the home, he hates walks. I’ll want to go to the gym with him alternatively, he spends time at the gym with his friends IF he goes and won’t spend time showing me how to do anything. He calls me moody everyday and yes I am. I am moody because this is not the life I want to live but I can’t help the feeling that I’m the bad guy. I should’ve said something sooner and not wasted his time. My sister has said ‘this happens in relationships all the time, they fizzle out, it will happen with someone else, you have to just work at it and try something new.’ I used to be so happy to do things for him and not expect anything in return but now, it’s draining and I don’t feel like settling for what I’m unhappy for. I also quite selfishly, feel like if I broke up with him, I could move back home with my parents, spend a couple years saving to buy a house, saving to have the wedding I want when it comes, travel and focus back on my education, but I fear cutting ties with him and regretting it completely in a few years when I am ready for the commitment but the partner isn’t there… pls send help.

When he came back and want to try dating again I just thought maybe he wasn’t sure about his initial decision. I thought maybe he did feel something towards me or else why come back. I was just holding on to hope that it work out because I do like him. People can be unsure and make rash decisions. I thought maybe he regret rushing to the decision and wanted to try again.

Good for you and totally umderstandable, so why doubt yourself if you manage to filter out a guy who just wants to get laid? You stood your ground and that was smart. He may still follow up with you, but I don't quite get why you are worried about not showing enough interest if the man in question isn't showing interest either (beyond sex)

Probably so. I've gone over to women's places before without meeting them properly in person beforehand so it's not that that I'm not comfortable with. In those situations we would plan it a day or two in advance so you would have time to get ready and that's fine. If I am going to be making out of the blue 10 o'clock at night house calls though to women I have yet to meet I need to start charging for my time. Because that is essentially what that would be is a gigolo situation.

I think that is what she wanted, but then she backtracked based on your response because she could tell you weren't into it and thought it was strange.

I doubt it. He'd already made it clear that you weren't Ms Right, but you wanted to stay around as a placeholder

Was talking to a lady twenty years older than me over Facebook dating app over the course of the day. We talked on the phone earlier in the day but had never met yet. At 10:00 at night I got another call from her and she asked me if I wanted to come over. Since calling someone up that you haven't met yet that late and asking them to come over is really strange I asked her if she was wanting to have sex with me tonight. She said no I don't do that. I told her that most of the time when women call me up this late asking me to come over that is what they want. She tried to turn it around on me and say I think that's what you want. At that point I ended the call and promptly unmatched each other. I get that a lady isn't wanting sex every time she invites a guy over but it's really odd that she would ask me to come over that late if that isn't what she was looking for. Especially a guy she hadn't met as of yet. And who knows she very possibly was looking for sex but just didn't want to admit it but I don't want to take time getting ready that late at night only for it to be an innocent high how are you face to face meeting. Anyways that was something new for me to be called up that late by a lady I hadn't met yet asking me to come over. I'm sure it wasn't a situation where it would have turned into an unsafe situation for me or else she would have said yes I do want to have sex.

First of all, it's only one day later so give it a few days. That said, he may have just wanted some ass, and when you declined he realised that you're not wanting the same thing.

A few years ago I briefly dated this guy I met online. I could tell he was a catch, but basically I was emotionally unavailable bc still hung up on my toxic long term on/again off again thing w married man. I kinda just stopped responding. We never had sex. Well we finally reconnected & went on a date again. I liked him / felt I could attach to him way more than I remembered in the past. We met up somewhere that’s a fun little day trip spot & he got a hotel there, no convo about me staying w him was had / I didn’t give that impression. He wanted to split the bill for dinner which I remember about him. He hugged me good night when I was getting in my car, I lingered & then he went in for a kiss. It quickly escalated, to him grabbing my a** and fondling me, which was fine. Eventually he did invite me to stay w him saying we’d “have fun.” I reluctantly declined, saying I’m just a bit slower/more conservative w those things, and he said he remembered that about me. Well I haven’t heard from him today and we’d really seemed to vibe so WTH? I just worry about men thinking I’m just a good-time girl, so I didn’t want to give the impression I’d jump into bed w him the first time interacting w him in years.