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Think of something that just the two of you could do. Then ask her if she would be interested.

There's a girl in my (19M) class that I'm interested in. However, she's always with two other girls. How do I ask her out in this scenario? Should I just go up to them, introduce myself and make small talk. Then ask to pull her aside where I ask her out to coffee or something? We haven't talked besides me complimenting her hair.

That may well be true, but I think it's equally possible that she was testing to see if he was ok with it, in which case she could flip the script from "he's perfect" to "he's bad/a cheater". Often people who will put you on a pedestal feel the immense pressure of that and a kind of automatic response is to try and tear you off it, to the point that they can end up treating you like you're the great person on planet earth one minute and the absolute worst a couple of hours later. This is always the issue with someone quickly idealising you. It's a fantastic ego boost but the extreme high is unsustainable and soon gets mixed in with extreme lows, and then when things start to slide the one being idealised often starts to wonder what's happened and scambling to "fix" things.

Nah, this relationship is toast. If you really believe your boyfriend was capable of sexually assualting you, you need to just end it. It won't get better. Stop accepting his gifts and money. And honestly? I would ask yourself why you're blowing this all the way out of proportion. I am a woman too, and I think your reaction to all of this is way over the top and indicative of some serious underlying issues within you.

It may have been a red herring because she’s def not a cheater. She brought it up in the context of how messed up that behavior is. I think what really hit her wasn’t the example itself, but the finality in my response when she asked, that it would be over without debate. She was like "you'd just end it immediately?" and I doubled down. She’s always had a fear that she has no room to make mistakes or misjudge things. The one conflict we had was super intense and it was over something that didn't really warrant that level of intensity from me. I’m very serious about loyalty and respect, and I think the sharpness in my language around all of the boundary stuff reinforced that fear that the shoe could drop any time. She felt I was always judging & evaluating her which I wasn't, I just have real standards. She was always very shaken at any sign of distance or me pulling away.

That's an oddly specific example, and her reaction to you not being okay with that is telling. My best guess is that she has done this, and was worried you would break up with her if you found out. Either way, she was showing you red flags. Her mentality surrounding loyalty and commitment is too childish.

Well its definitelty possible but I hope youre not suggesting this would be anything but wildly unhealthy and a terrible idea.

this was her reasons for wanting to end the relationship, and nothing else really matters about how great or intense other things were. this was her reasoning. *edit - meant to include: this is unfortunately how breakups work. she was thinking about this for probably days, weeks, months and had time to process it all until she was able to put it into action. but you, the one getting dumped, does in fact get blindsided like it came from nowhere, but for her it very likely was not out of nowhere.

I’m just going to put out another possible reason for her actions: maybe this is her way of testing you to see whether you’ll reach out and tell her you can’t live without her — maybe even propose to her. As the saying goes, if you love someone, let them go; if they come back, they’re yours. If not, they never were. A lot of women have this mindset — that they can push a man who doesn’t want to commit into finally doing so by disappearing. The idea is to test him, to show him what he’s lost, and to make him come back.

messaging an ex "i miss you" or something to that effect. She was just giving an example of something her friend did recently

What were the 'certain boundaries' she asked about?

She's got some issues with emotional immaturity and render a truly healthy relationship not feasible. This isn't how grounded and mature adults approach dating: She's not grown enough for the sort of relationship you would like. As such, I don't think this relationship was ever going to go the distance. Too many fundamental problems she's got a lot of growing up and inner work to do first.

Ultimately this is a very old, very common story in the world of love and dating. Nothing that is "perfect" is going to remain so when the love buzz wears off and we start to notice all of our partner's flaws, which they will of course have because they are human. Also if there are some doubts going on about how loveable you actually are, which it seems this girl had, it will be a constant battle for validation and confirmation which which is like a black hole eating away at her trust in you, and an exhausting effort on your end that will eventually create resentment. I know how flattering it can be to one's ego if someone starts bombarding you about how wonderful and amazing and perfect you are and the sex you are having is etc, but taking a step back it's often a sign things are unsustainable as nobody is going to hold that standard forever.

Whatever it was or wasn’t, it’s done. Irreversible. And I’m trying to move on. Sad thing the dating pool really sucks these days, but I’m trying

I think this was her dealbreaker. She tried to get past it, but she ultimately values a relationship which is forgiving rather than one which isn't.

H, my boyfriend of a year and a half and I went on vacation the first week of February. We spent the weekend with his brother, his wife, and their baby. After they put their kid to bed, we had a fun night of drinking in the living room, H and his brother, and their family chaos and mess. We drank a lot. H had 9 beers, we did shots, it was a mess. At like 2 am, we finally went to bed, and unexpectedly, H and I started making out. While tipsy sex is fine, I have recently discovered that I hate having drunk sex, as it makes me feel like I’m not in control. H and I were clearly drunk, but I was fine with us making out. He kept saying, “I want to eat you out,” which I responded with, “You’re drunk.” We kept kissing for a couple of minutes, and then we changed positions. As we were changing positions, I noticed his underwear was off. I was livid. H never ever takes his underwear off when we are intimate, unless he is showering or we are about to have sex. He even puts them on right after we have sex, too. If I told him no to sex, why would he take his underwear off? I told him, “We could be making out for three hours, and that still means I don’t want to have sex.” I was upset because that feels like basic consent, which I don't feel like explaining to a 24-year-old grown-ass man. We were both drunk. But then, 5 minutes later, he throws a drunken FIT, he says, “What the f***. I just wanted to make out with you!” And i said “then why did you take your underwear off?” And he said, “Because I assumed you changed your mind.” And that pissed me off because that’s not consent. Thats him (falsely) thinking I’d change my mind. At that moment, I felt like a toy for him, and for the first time in our year-and-a-half relationship, I almost felt scared of him. He eventually slept on the couch, but the rest of the trip was awful. I was engaging and having fun with his family, but when we were alone, i didn’t speak to him. H's brother eventually dropped us off at the airport, and he apologized, saying he'd thrown a fit unfairly, which he did, and the reason he threw the fit was that he felt like he was being accused of something he would never do (rape). But honestly, in the moment, I did think it was possible. He said he violated my trust and said he would do anything to make it up to me. When we got on the plane, he said thank you for putting up with his family, for being kind, and for drinking with them despite our fight. He knew I had a conference the following day, and he Venmoed me 80 dollars to get from the airport to my house. I appreciated it. He texts me every day to have a good day, he's sent me flowers, he's bought me clothes, but I still can’t help but be mad at him for the way he treated me in that moment. It’s been two weeks, and I’m still so mad at him, and progress is non-linear. He is patient. He gives me gifts, and we have had a few dates, and he has not drunk in front of me since, and has told me he does not plan to. We are also not having sex, or having sleepovers nor do I plan to do so for a minute until I feel completely comfortable to. I know he is not a bad guy. He has never made me feel this way, and it was a drunken one-off. But I resent him still for crossing a boundary, and I don't know where to go from here. I welcome any advice!!

6 months isn't 6 weeks, not 6 days but I see your point. Also the moving in was not set in stone it was something that was more theoretical and 1.5 years away because as I said she is in school.

We're not just talking about a relationship that started with explosive attraction and intensity. We're talking about looking at engagement rings and talking about moving in together when you've been dating 6 months. A person with emotional maturity should know that's not the way to build towards a solid relationship. Something was really off about this whole relationship and its pace.

You're welcome. I am sorry you are sad and shocked. You didn’t cause this. Thing is, she was so used to men treating her badly in the past and then you come along and she totally idealizes you and the moment you act stable and grounded she perceives it as a slight against her and all that stuff from past men cloud her better judgment. If she’s used to chaos, then someone who treats her well becomes a fantasy and well, fantasy bubbles eventually burst. She pedestalized you, future‑planned, cried about not being good enough, and showed you engagement rings so early. It wasn’t just manipulation, it was relief. Then when you're not available to her, in her mind she figures "this is the moment he pulls away." So she cuts the cord first. Of course, it could have all been a bunch of lies and she met someone else, one never knows in these types of situations. Could she have met someone else? Technically, anything is possible. The takeaway is when someone over idealizes you that much and that fast it usually means they’re relating to a fantasy version of you. I don't think you could have done anything differently to prevent the ultimate outcome. Someone that deeply insecure has a lot of healing to do first before they can be a good partner. They don’t respond to reality. They respond to their internal narrative.

This was my thought exactly from the getgo, thank you for your response. I felt this to be true in the moment and upon reflection. It's just incredibly sad and I was (and still am) shocked.

Yes. And this is really hard for me: the fact that I felt more. I was blind during the date, partly because of my own expectations and partly because his ambivalence was not a “no”. It was a maybe and I think I grabbed into that. when I got home, I checked with myself and felt the dissonance. I unmatched. here is the curious thing: if he had felt strongly, despite the unmatching from my part, he could have reached out to me without difficulty. - he knows exactly where I live - he knows my email (easily found in the directory of our neighborhood) - he could find my cell phone (it’s in the directory) but even if he didn’t want to reach out to me that way, he knows exactly where I work, where my office is and he could also reach out to me that way. he didn’t His lack of reaching out doesn’t mean he felt nothing. It means he didn’t feel enough. The surprise, the joking, the museum detour, the impulsive kiss are all signs of momentary connection, not necessarily enduring intention.

true true I hear your point. Thank you.

She's deeply insecure. Anything she perceives as slight distance or disapproval she reacts disproportionately and catastrophizes. If she is fundamentally insecure she will often attach fast and hard because the closeness feels like safety. But that same intensity flips into fear the moment she perceives any instability -- even something as innocent as you being sick and quiet. Sadly, you got caught in the crosshairs over her inability to tolerate any slight hint of uncertainty.

But lovebombing doesn’t have to be purposeful manipulation. You’re thinking of something cold-blooded, hypocritical, and calculatedly evil, but that’s not what lovebombing necessarily is. Most manipulators aren’t even aware of their manipulative behavior. Manipulative behavior is often a defense mechanism stemming from deep insecurities.

I wouldn't get too rigid with definitions because someone can display a behavior without intending to mislead anyone. Take rebounding, for example. Just because a rebounder ends a new relationship in a stereotypical way, that doesn't automatically mean that they intended to land where they did. But it's still rebounding. And it's up to each of us to protect ourselves responsibly by using our own best judgment. This builds confidence in our own agency rather than viewing ourselves as victimized and at the mercy of anyone else's lousy judgment. The goal of understanding needn't be about blaming, even while it's smart to learn from situations that you don't want to repeat going forward. So recognizing our own participation in an unhealthy situation can build confidence that we won't do that again.