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Indeed. The simple fact that he is cheating on his chosen life partner with you, perhaps the mother of his children, speaks volumes about the man. And signing emails to another female coworker “xx” - The double standard in affairs is unfair, don’t you think? Just imagine how his wife feels? When men speak their truth and show us who they really are, we must believe them.

Because you work with the man, I would not tell his wife. It would be different if you would have no other contact with them, no fear of reprisal. But, this is your livelihood, your security. For that reason, I would walk away. For all you know, she is aware and she has chosen to stay with the man. You just have no idea how she will respond to this news. I too agree that it’s disingenuous to tell his wife only after the affair has ended. While I personally would want to know, I would find your motives questionable and you would lack credibility.

Chances are he isn't interested but just in case contact him again and bring up getting together again and see how/if he replies. You'll have your answer then.

Been on a date recently, we went to a restaurant. He paid and opened the doors for me. He asked me before the date if I'd prefer a hug as a greeting, just a handshake, or no touch at all as he wanted me to feel comfortable. We went for quite a long walk afterwards. We hugged for hello and goodbye. After we parted he texted me saying to let him know when I'm home. I let him know. The next day I decided to text him. I said I had a good time and added a question about whether he logged me out of a job search website (he let me use his laptop to edit my resume as a small favour), as I forgot to log out. He reacted with a heart emoji to the 'good time' bit and said he logged me out. Since then we've been silent for like four days already. He's been active on social media. I wanna see him again but I don't know if he wants to. Should I just leave it? Some people advice me to message him again but I'm not convinced that's a good idea..

So, apparently we're not going to agree on this, EPI. I'm just not sure where/why/how you're not seeing any difference in the situations here. My W knows of my EA w ex-AP. She asked and I told her. To be fair and fully honest, not, not of EA-2 or of A-3. I get the latter is not nothing and is therefore deception (by omission, as you point out). But she knows and I have paid a long, dear price for it. And it was 97% EA, not sex. My W on the other hand has had a minimum of 2 sexual As, one a fling, and one for nearly 2 years. The latter was while I was away and arguably w a Hall Pass, but upon my return, she wanted to continue the A and even referred to continuing it as "cheating." TBH, I don't even know for sure when she stopped w him. When questioned, she has flatly denied both of these, multiple times. If one uses the "tip of the iceberg" analogy, these are only the ones I know about without a doubt. I know of other possibilities, but do not have enough evidence to include them in this discussion. You don't see any distinction to be made in our level/degree of infidelity and dishonesty with these facts? I know, one can say any level is not good - no such thing as a little bit pregnant - but her secret life, transgressions, and bald faced dishonesty when asked far exceeds mine. Yes, I realize in a perfect world and M, there are NO secrets. I'm not claiming my secret about two additional contact periods is ok or a good thing - it isn't. But her infidelities and lying denials are an unopened and festering wound that won't heal without the truth. Getting that into the open is a justifiable and reasonable step without blowing up the entire marriage in the process.

I've been talking to this girl for months, we've spent a lot of time watching movies and playing video games together. I started to really like her, and I let her know almost exactly a month ago. It wasn't reciprocated, but she asked me to not change the way I treated her, so I kept my word. The more I got to know her this past month, the more I liked her, and last night the topic came up again. Basically, she rejected me because I don't bully her. She likes to be bullied, to the point that it turns her on, and it's non-negotiable for her in a relationship. I told her I could try it. She said it wouldn't work if I don't actually do it. Any advice?

She should've always known. I should have told her ages ago. I’ll admit that

Yet you were okay with this when he paid more attention to you. No?

So? That does not justify demading the truth from her while hiding his own affair and lying by omission.

There is something disingenuous about wanting to tell the wife once an affair has run its course or, as in this case, the MM has cast his eye elsewhere. Where was the desire to make the wife "be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is" when the MM first approached you, before the affair actually started? Are you sure about that?

As far as I can tell, it doesn't sound like you have a question. You're not questioning the relationship or wondering about your compatibility with your girlfriend, are you?

Why? She is right. Her daughter will have sex when she feels ready for it. Some start earlier, others start later. It’s very different for different people and yes, sometimes for entire cultures.

Yes, that’s exactly what it was. That is correct. I’m sorry, but to me it sounds like he settled for you, and I wouldn’t trust him.

My boyfriend and I (both 29) have been together for almost 2 years. He is very loving, loyal, and invested. But I still struggle with some things that happened during our 3-month dating stage, which I only discovered much later. How can i understand his behaviour then and can i really trust him? June: we met on Tinder. He lived in another city. We texted every day and went on 3 dates. At that point, it was only talking. He was not pushy, and I also wanted to take things slow. At the same time, he was still seeing some girls he had met on Tinder before me. With some, it came to kissing; with one girl, he slept with her once during that month while we were still platonic. I was not seeing anyone else but I also did not take him too seriously yet and just enjoyed our conversations. July: on our 4th date, we went hiking and he kissed me. It was more reserved than passionate. Apparently after after our first kiss, he still felt some nostalgia about his ex and even thought about contacting her again (did not do it). After that, he matched with a new girl on Tinder (Hannah). This part hurts me especially: after some days of only texting, he spoke about her to his mom in a very excited way (July 18th), saying things like he “might really like this girl,” “crazy how fast you can feel it,” and asking his mom how he could make it work if they had not even met yet. The same evening, he met me, brought me flowers, and was very affectionate and romantic. Nothing suggested that he had another interest. Hannah did not seem particularly interested in him, and they never met, although he invited her more than once. After July 18th she stopped replying, and he stopped texting her for some time too. Meanwhile, our connection deepened. He was invested and openly expressed feelings for me. By the end of July, he said he was “done with other people” and wanted to get to know me “without other people in between us.” (i did not give a direct reply) At that time there was no contact with Hannah anymore. August: everything was leading toward a relationship. I felt very special to him and believed his feelings for me were exclusive. He told his friends and family that he wanted a relationship with me - and to me as well. But around that same time, he contacted Hannah again. He was planning to visit some friends in the city where she lived, asked if she wanted to meet, but she was away. They talked a little more, and then he wrote her: “I’d like to get to know you, maybe we could talk on the phone?” Hannah said she did not have time. On that very same day before that, he was texting me how special I was to him and how much he missed me! About a week later he asked me to become his girlfriend and was overly happy. His explanation now: He says he had feelings for me since the 1st kiss, but he did not want to “rush in” and wanted to keep options open until he felt completely sure. According to him, he had made the mistake in a previous relationship of committing too quickly, so this time he wanted to be 100% certain when he asked me to be his girlfriend. He also did not know if i was seeing anyone else and thought of me as "out of his league", he wanted to be extra careful. He admits he was interested in Hannah at first, but says it was only occasional conversations and part of him “trying to understand himself,” especially in relation to me. He says he tried to suppress his feelings for me and he did not want to move too fast. I do believe that his feelings for me were real. He was always attentive, texted first, always initiated everything, and seemed very invested. After we got together: He never flirted with anyone else again and blocked all the other women. We have a good relationship, and no one has ever treated me with so much care. I discovered the screenshots from conversations with Hannah on his Ipad that he gave me for use. He apologised for his past behaviour, says he did not want to hurt me and thought it is okay to keep options open until you get together. He says he would do everything differently now. But I still feel like a second choice. Like he was much more excited for Hannah (a fantasy of her). I always hear: “If you really like someone, you stop searching, you lose interest in others”. This makes me feel so sad. How could he be so excited about someone he had never even met, especially if he says he already had feelings for me then? Can I trust that I was the one he truly wanted, or does this sound more like he eventually settled for me?

Correct, Carlston. I thought that was clear. That is what I was talking about. I also said it may not be right or fair - which it wouldn't. Frankly, if we did need to get into selfishness further, I have pretty much lived my whole life in service to others and putting their interests first. But I don't need to justify myself to anyone. I am without a doubt an imperfect person, but if anything, I am selfless.

I took that in being in the context of a failed marriage leading to a high conflict divorce at which point it's every man or rather spouse for themselves.

Friendships can form for many reasons, and not all of them are based on superficial qualities like looks. M and E may have recognized your authenticity and the depth of your character, which can be incredibly appealing. It’s also common for people to seek out friendships with those who may not fit the typical mold, as it can lead to more genuine connections.

Been in a relationship with MM for a year. I work with him. Currently going through NC because he has shown an interest in another woman at work, he says nothing is going on, but he is clearly interested in perusing her. It’s extremely painful, but i’ve realised I know my worth and I deserve more than a man who gets a kick from having multiple women. This man is a compulsive liar and a narcissist, only cares about himself and no one else's feelings. I am aware that I should not have expected loyalty from him. And really I have no right to be upset, knowing his wife has it 100 times worse than I do. However, he tried to make me feel like I was special, and I fell for it. I feel his wife should know he is entertaining not only one but two women as well as her. I don’t want to do this though just for revenge, I don’t want to put his wife through the pain of knowing her husband is a cheat just so I can get revenge on him. But I really do feel like his wife should be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is. Has anyone been in a situation where they’ve wanted to tell the wife? I’m so scared this could all end wrong and I would have made the wrong choice if I do tell her. Especially as I work with MM.

I am a single mum of a 16yr old boy. We are very close, and have always been able to talk about anything. He always loved playing dressups as a kid, and he came out to me when he was around 11~12, and I have always accept him for who he is. He loves to cross-dress but only in my clothes. He says that he feels more like a girl than a boy, and we have discussed transitioning. He admits that he would like to have breasts, but is adamant that he wants to remain anatomically male. He enjoys masturbating and was looking forward to sex with boys. He often prefers to dress as a girl, and he loves shopping, but everything we buy I have to try on, and it has to be "mine" and live in my closet. He loves me to help him with his makeup, and honestly he makes a beautiful girl too. Starting probably over a year ago, he started being very honest with me, that at 16 he wanted to be sexually active. Much as I love him and support him, I was not happy about this, but at 16 there is nothing I can do except support him and protect him. The one thing he hid from me, for a while, was his attraction to much older grown men. It's all out in the open now, but I worry it's because he's never had a father figure. He's had relationships with boys, but he now has a "boyfriend" that frankly I think is around my age. And honestly I am still a little shocked and horrified. When they go out on a date, my son dresses as a girl, but they also go to the football, fishing, etc, and he just dresses normally. Its all a little confusing. His introduced his bf before they started getting serious, and he's a nice guy, very respectful. He assured me that he would protect my son at all costs, and we set ground rules that he follows. I guess I just feel this is all a bit too much for me to handle. I love and support my son, but this is all very new to me. We made a rule that he would only have sex with my son in our house and while I'm home. Seemed like a great idea at the time. Except now I watch them kissing and cuddling, and then go off to his room. He often spends the night, and I've also learned that they are "vers" which is really TMI. I'd really like to hate this guy, and frankly I think of him as a more like a paedo than simply gay. But he's actually been good for my son. My son has never really had the opportunity to go to games, fishing, camping, etc, and he really loves it. I was freaking out about him becoming sexually active, but he's become so much more confident and is even doing better at school. He has also enjoyed flouting convention, but is just so much more confident doing it now. For the first time he's really thinking about, and talking about, university and careers Further complicating things is that I told myself that I could get serious about dating when he reached this age, and I have been putting myself out there. But I had one bf who was freaked out about my son, so that didn't last. And even the current guy I don't feel comfortable hosting because my son and his bf maybe around. Sometimes I think I deserve a pat on the back for being so "enlightened and supportive" and at other times I think I'm the worst mother on earth. So please, let me have it, no holds barred. Tell me what you think.

I knew when I started dating my new gf that she had a 12yr old daughter, that for more than a decade they only had each other, and were basically joined at the hip. My partner is a stunning beauty, several years younger than me, from a different culture, and I consider myself the luckiest man on earth. Hee daughter is basically a little clone, and they share a lot. Personally I think my GF treats her a little too much like a young adult, but as I said different cultures and besides they are her decisions as parent, not for me to criticise. I learned pretty quickly that she is precocious, outgoing, and had no boundaries. We'd barely began dating when her daughter started calling me "papa" and had gone through my facebook and introduced herself to my kids (who are all older and adults now.) Now I love them both, but there are aspects that I find very confronting and quite frankly disturbing. And at times, I worry that she has gone beyond simple "charming precociousness" and is deliberately pushing boundaries to get a reaction. It would be easier to read is she wasn't just such a great kid and joy to have around. Plus there is still a cultural barrier, and a slight language barrier that they both love to duck behind. When I first visited my GF, I was very confused (but ultimately a little relived) that her willingness to let me see her undress, naked, and even bath with me, did not equate to a similarly casual attitude towards sex. This attitude seems to be cultural, but I still find it very disturbing. The first time we went to their beach, both she and her daughter, wore nothing but a "string" bikini bottom (and even the string was removed for tanning purposes.) Needless to say that after that I decided their beaches were too "cold" for me. And where we live now I've convinced them that the sun is too dangerous. We've now been together for a while, and we've both come to refer to her as "our" daughter, but I still respect my partner's role as her primary parent. I just don't know how to deal with the more inappropriate aspects of her behaviour. Unfortunately my partner just thinks I'm a puritan and makes a joke of it. She is still not even 14 yet, and I'm worried that her attitude may get her into strife. My partner is an incredible woman, but yeah she got pregnant to a boyfriend who disappeared from their lives shortly thereafter. And when she tells me that she was already having sex at her daughter's age, and that she will have sex when she feels ready for it, that really upsets me.

This really got me. I had something similar happen when I moved and my whole routine changed, and a friend who'd been in my life for years just couldn't adjust to the new version of things. She kept treating any gap in contact as proof I didn't care, and no amount of "I'm still here, just differently" seemed to land. I think some people experience closeness as constant presence, and when that changes, they feel abandoned even if nothing actually ended. That doesn't make them wrong exactly, but it also doesn't mean you're failing at friendship. You clearly put a lot into this relationship over a long time. The fact that your life evolved isn't a betrayal, even if it feels that way to him.

Speak for yourself. Not everyone is that hypocritical, seflish, or afraid of the consquences of their own behaviour.

Never actually used that term before, but I saw that thread and wanted to add my 2 cents worth. I may not have fully grasped the nuances of everything you posted, but the take I get from it is this: Your partner sometimes sleeps over, your son wants to crawl into the middle, and your partner objects. Sorry, but in my view, that's not right. Whether or not your son should be allowed into your bed, is a separate issue, for you to decide. But your partner needs to accept that you are a package deal. Furthermore, if he expects to become part of your life, then that means becoming a part-time step-dad. And honestly, there are a LOT more challenging things ahead, than "cosleeping." Just waits till he hits puberty and turns into a little a-hole. For context, a couple of years back I met a lady with a young teenage daughter. I knew going in that for the past decade, they had only each other and were joined at the hip. I pretty quickly learned that she was precocious, inappropriate, and without boundaries. So yeah, she still climbs into bed with us to have a conversation, or watch a movie. And again, honestly, that's the least of the issues. Having a teenage daughter again, is something I thought was behind me.

As someone who lives in the US, why would you want to bring a foreigner here in 2026 with very high odds she will be detained and stuck in a camp? I am speechless.

Didn't mean to come across that way. It's that the vast majority of them I simply find far more interesting than Americans, as well as from a far more interesting part of the world. I've dated multiple, but only one that was actually born and raised in a part of Asia (Hangzhou). I love everything she told me about her country, but most of it was just confirmation of things I had already heard/known about, as I had the interest long before her. A lot of my own decor is Asian (a unique mix of Gothic/Victorian and Asian). And I think their architectural history is beautiful. I'm just going to leave it at that, as I know it probably comes off as me continuing to generalize, when I know there are many, many parts of "Asia", all with different cultures, history, architecture, etc. But I would pick literally any of those types of architecture/style over anything you'd find here in America. It's simply my taste.