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Yes, we can define sex. You might not want to, or you might be uncomfortable with it, but it’s still definable. So I’m assuming you did have a physical connection/sex …. I was just asking this, because the EA aspect was very dominating in all of your descriptions. … and I don’t want to come across as flippant & I don’t want to burst your bubble, but when a woman tells you that you ruined her for her husband or for any other sexual partners she may have in the future, that’s usually something that many women say in order to - I don’t know - get a attention, or make you feel better, make you feel good about yourself or make you feel connected to her. It doesn’t necessarily mean that this is actually based on facts ….. just something to consider. It’s a very interesting twist.

Hate to get all Bill Clinton’ish on you, but define sex. I doubt we can, or I should, get too graphic, but more than EA, and not what my W did. Try this: I adored her. It was enough for her to tell me in the ensuing weeks and months that I had “ruined” her sexual relationship w her H. I took that to mean that he could no longer satisfy her. Does that answer your question?

you can solve this issue really simply if you ask her on a specified date. don't ask her to hang out or whatever words you used, literally say "i would like to take you out on a date, would you like to go to dinner with me on xx day/night at xx time" you'll get your answer on what level of interest is there.

Yes, by the way, did you ever have sex with your AP or was it merely EA?

You are wise and helpful, 77. Re snooping, it can be more, it can be less. In 16 years, I go through periods. Periods of very little thoughts (and snooping) and periods of more. Naturally of late, it's been more. Ah, got me on the double-standard. I've contemplated that of late too (with these posts). My only defense is that there's a difference between her actual short, sexual infidelity with very little meaningful feeling and my internet "snooping" and memories of times gone past. So at the moment, any comparison is apples and oranges. Moreover, I specifically asked about her actions and was met w flat denial. That's a definite exacerbation. Now, if some kind of contact began with ex-AP, that may be a different story. But even then, it might still be relatively benign. Finally, this may be viewed as nothing more than rationalization, but my "straying" was with someone I was deeply, deeply in love with. My W's were a purely sexual fling in one case, and even though the 2nd was longer in duration, again it was primarily sexual and had no life-long emotional connection. All of that said, there may be differing viewpoints on which "type" of extra-marital affair is worse. My W's first words to me when she suspected my first [E]A was not, "are you sleeping w her," but rather, "do you love her?" Ouch. I did answer honestly.

There are plenty of international dating sites and there are plenty of Asian women who would love to marry an American.

I get it so you’re doing the snooping - but once a month is kind of frequent don’t you think? After 16 years of no contact you’re still snooping on her once a month? That’s pretty big. I know you don’t want people to cross reference your other thread, but I gotta tell you that there is a lot of double standard going on here. You would like to keep in touch with her, but it would have to be a secret? And at the same time you are pretty hurt by your wife not being upfront with you - so how does that fit? i’m currently single, but I’ve been in your shoes and I have seen both sides and as matters stand now I would be extremely stressed out by any secrets in a relationship. I wouldn’t want that. It’s just stressful. I do not recommend it. …. but if it’s so important to you, why don’t you just reach out and see what she says? Give it a shot. She might be divorced. Because the way I read your posts it looks like you will never get over the what ifs, if you don’t simply “do what needs to be done”.

Well again do what you wish but remember whenever there is mutual interest scheduling dates isn't difficult. And if you are going to get offended by people saying things that you may not like then advice sites probably aren't the best thing for you to look at. Many people feel like being somewhat critical at times is the best way people learn.

So, 77, first things first. So...there's this thing called the internet. JK, trying to be funny. How do I know she's in the area? Well, I do an occasional internet search - occasional meaning once a month or so (depends on how the mood strikes me). Just to see what's going on in her life. She's mostly buttoned up on social media, but this was just a general search that popped up their new home. Thanks for watching the video clip. It does add some perspective about us, does it not? I don't recall what her exact comment was, but along the lines of the song speaking to her. And again, that was nearly 10 years after our last A. By the way - not terribly important - but do you see us/me as having had 3 affairs, or 1 long, interrupted A? Not to the present mind you, but that c. 12 year period of 3 different periods of contact. Great question about my "end goal." The easy answer is, contact, and yes, hopefully, resuming and continuing our friendship. So have I/we established that isn't going to work? Well, she didn't think it'd work, but that was 16-28 years ago - circumstances and thoughts can change. I don't recall which episode she said that in - I'm thinking it was the first, 28 years ago (so she was very young). Because, as I said, in the 2nd and 3rd, she promised she would never abandon me again (now referred to as ghosting, right?). On that latter point, Geb makes a worthwhile observation about never being able to trust her. I won't lie - her going NC 2 additional times after vowing to never do so again is not insignificant to me. I have given it a lot of thought. It is very disturbing. But I do largely excuse and understand it as necessary, at least to her situation and mental health. But I'll add and acknowledge, with not having had any chance to talk that through her doing it again, it has affected my thoughts about her. Note, I said thoughts, and not feelings. I contemplated what word to use there. No doubt, my feelings have waned - but that is to be expected when you don't know someone for 16+ years. But my long-term feelings are in large part based on remembering what we were like together (indescribable - the emotional energy and connection was off the charts). So, of course they waned in the two 5-years of NC btw EA-1, EA-2 and A-3, but once we were in contact again - writing, talking, meeting, emoting - boom, right back to the feelings and love we had and shared. Which brings us right back to your question, and the "slippery slope." I'd like this person in my life. But of course, it'd have to be secret. I guess most would call anything that has to be secret from your spouse as wrong. And, if involving a member of the opposite sex, an A. Well, I'd say, not if emotions and plans are held in check. But...the slippery slope. We have never got back in touch and it not resulted in emotion. Again, quite quickly. So is that possible now that it's been so long, and we've firmly established full lives without one another. And then there's her present circumstances - which again, I know nothing about. Is she separated, divorced? Why'd she move to my city? Is she now available? Am I? I once told her during the first EA - it turns out, quite prophetically - in the context of us possibly being together, that we didn't want to lament our decisions 5, 10 or 20 years later "when it was too late." Hah, it so happened that EA-2 and A-3 were 5 and 10 years after EA-1, and that it's now 27 years after that first breakup. Too late clearly seems applicable. So there's your long-winded answer to my end goal. I'll likely do nothing. That said, I did email her on her b'day (and Christmas as I recall) in the early breakup years. It so happens that a major, major "decade" b'day is at the end of this month. However, I don't have any method of safe communication with her.

Or maybe you should stop acting like a know-it-all about this situation and accept that nuance is a thing in early dating. Especially when dealing with someone who works 2 jobs & has a hectic schedule because of it, that's going to make scheduling anything difficult. I didnt realize it but i was asking to hang out on her work days at first, which is exactly why those days didnt work. Also you dont accept someone's invitation to coffee & text them an hour after getting their number, or talk their ears off for 2 hours without ever checking their phone if there isnt some sort of borderline interest. While I understand that things are platonic right now, the general intent in doing all of this literally cannot be clearer. I came here simply to ask for advice on moving forward and instead you make assinine assumptions about me, who actually just got out of an intense 3+ year relationship earlier in the year & had many others before it. This is just my first rodeo with a dating scenario that is slow-building, as I got into relationships pretty quickly in the past. This is the first time I'm slowly building something with someone which yes is new to me. But please do me a favor and refrain from making ridiculous assumptions about me. Thanks.

Yep. I am getting the impression though that the OP doesn't have much experience interacting with women within dating or romantic scenarios. Some of the things he's said makes me think he's never been out on many dates before.

Being more attracted to people who don't make themselves completely available to us or force us to chase them is extremely normal. It's one of the main reasons some women are often attracted to guys who don't treat them very well or take advantage of them. As a guy though if you enjoy having a steady sex life you will be much more likely to get that from women who are throwing themselves at you so to speak then women who are acting neutral towards you. It's your choice.

So you want to meet women who don't mind being fetishized but who also want a "genuine" connection with a man on another continent? Good luck.

You'd better reassess this attitude because it absolutely can't just be assumed to be a date, it often isn't. As for the second point I'd have to say no, it usually isn't. If there's romantic possibilities both people will probably want to make that happen one way or another. A coffee date usually isnt going to be fireworks but if its leading in that direction, there would usually be some sense its leading in that direction. I would say though that theres nothing all that wrong about making a friend. A lot of guys get infatuated quickly and get devastated and flip a bit when it turns out she was thinking platonically. If it turned out she does just want to hang out she could end up inviting you to an event and you could hit it off with one of her friends for example, I've seen this happen with guys who were just chill and cool with any outcome. So I'd say absolutely see her again if you want to, but read the room and be prepared for any outcome.

So don't know why my first topic got locked but ok. So first up people keeping asking "why are you angry at him" and such. I said I was not that I am. I didn't even tell him for like the first 3 weeks that I knew and yeah I was really worried and stressed and angry at him. But things are great now and he has been nothing but chill since I told him. Its all a bit up and down because I love being pregnant but Im scared about the future but I feel better when Im with him. So update number 1 I agreed to move in with him permanently and were not bothering with separate rooms lol. I am loving being pregnant and love falling asleep in his arms. So update number 2 he has asked me to marry him and Im thinking about it. People asked me if I love him and I dont really know the answer. I think that I do. I missed not been with him and want to be all the time. The stuff that used to bug me doesnt and I see past the outside because he has a really good heart. ANd I always thought sex was fun but now it feels like making love he wants to do it formally and be a family together which I know that plenty of people do that without actually being married. He says its down to me and he will respect whatever I choose but he said he is proud to have a kid with me and would be proud for me to be his wife. I figure he should be because he getting a bit of a bargain but nobody else has ever said that to me. I know Im not really mature lol, but what am I going to do? Im going to be a mum so Ive got to start thinking like one. Not going to lie a lot of my friends have been weirded out by this. But some of them have kids with no man on the scene and just go on the centrelink and thats not for me. Some others think Im mad for having a kid but I am definitely doing that. My mum wont even come out and visit me even though I said Id pay so she is no hope. And I never knew my dad so that is not happening to my kid. I dont know what to do because some days I think we should wait and see but other days I just want that ring on my finger.

LOL - this clown is manipulating you all the while. But the thing he knows, that you don't, is that "the best defense is a great offense" You were just, extending/communicating sincere feelings, and following your heart, and he gleefully made you conclude that you are somehow the problem. He was manipulating you at every turn. HE clearly "knew" that there "was no problem" (for only he could have created one in this context) and at the same time he allowed you to keep believing that there was some sort of a problem... and that is trashy manipulation. His manipulation of you continued with, instead of his breaking up with you, he tried to feed you some (bright side for you) of the two of you breaking up. Likely wanting you to initiate the break-up, perhaps because he was too gutless to do so at that point. Too gutless on multiple occasions to say, or even know what HE wanted, but instead making you tip-toe into the unknown. Blaming you for what is clearly and admittedly "nothing" in order to see what he can get from you. Eventually (and soon enough) you will recognize the steady VALUE of your own ability to invest yourself in someone. If this ex boyfriend had any sort of a clue, he would have had the strength to burden you only with things that he clearly, sincerely, and authentically wanted from your relationship. Not allowed any time to pass between a point when he knew you were feeling that you had done some wrong things, and were blaming yourself for any problems, AND a point when he admitted that there was no problem at all. The amount of time which passed while he knew you were blaming yourself (for, literally "nothing") and the point when it was communicated that you'd truly done nothing... is all on him, and every bit of it shows that he doesn't have the mental maturity to be a good partner to you. So you will pick yourself up when you recognize soon enough how much worth there is in your own (having boldly invested your feelings in someone). What they DO with those feelings of yours is in many ways only secondary. In many ways, you simply can't control the randomness that is another human being, or control what they do with/to your feelings. All you can master is your own will and ability to invest yourself in others... You do it at work/school... and with family... and it's easy (enough, after time)... Look around at the world and recognize people who can't bring themselves to invest their delicate emotions... for their having been truly victimized early on by people they were supposed to be able to trust... and then, consider, that you... (might not have that holding you back) (and as such, you are much nearer to being able to overcome this, and to invest yourself again, in somebody who is far more worthy, and non-manipulative) Get it??? ~ Good

I’m 28M. I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern in myself where I’m mostly attracted to women who are more aloof or emotionally reserved. Any subtle signs or small compliments mean a lot to me. Less is often more with me. On the flip side, when someone is verbally affectionate, I get uncomfortable or turned off by it. Which is ironic cause I am an expressive person. Even if the person means well, it can feel like it’s lovebombing or overwhelming. Maybe even disingenuous. It can feel like a pressure that’s hard to live up to whenever the person is verbally affectionate. For example, I can send a long supportive message to someone; and I get a heavy affectionate response, I’ll feel uncomfortable. However, if the response is something as simple and neutral as “thank you. I appreciate you,” it’ll make me so happy. I’m trying to understand why I fall harder for people who are more aloof/not verbally expressive. Is this normal? Is this healthy? And has anyone dealt with something like this before?

Woman here, and I couldn't agree more. When it's difficult to get to lift-off, so to speak, it's not a great sign for a possible romance.

I've always had a thing for Asian women for some reason. I love the culture, the fashion, so many things about them. Of course finding one here in the US is very difficult, and even when I do, they were usually born and raised here, and too "Americanized" for what I'd truly love to find. I can't move over there because of my kids. So, I'm trying to figure out a viable way to meet Asian women looking to come to the US, but NOT the ones looking to use you for an arrangement. What I'm looking for probably doesn't exist, or if it does, I'd imagine the resource would be loaded with scammers. But, I'd love some type of dating site where you can meet Asian women that want to get to know someone in the US with the possibility of moving here and being together. I've looked around a bit, but the sites I've found so far all seem to either be "arrangements", where they're clearly just looking to use you, or trash sites filled with fake profiles. Does anyone know of any dating sites where there is at least a small chance of finding a woman on there that is genuine, and doesn't want to just use you to get to the US? Like maybe even a site that's designed to be able to chat with one another, and get to know people from overseas, where it's not strictly about dating might be a good idea. I don't know, I can't seem to find anything.

She sent an innocent group email - but IF you want to be worried about something it should be the above. If he did that in front of you then that’s disrespectful.

This is more about respect than about anything else. I would not be able to live with somebody who doesn’t show me respect. And to pull tons of wool over your eyes is lack of respect on her part. Let’s be honest - you cannot move on, because you simply don’t know the truth and she is withholding that from you. So there is no way to heal from this and I get it ….. you had your EA and you had your 30 years of some emotional affair that has been hidden, but it was still there under the surface for all these decades, and it’s probably painful for your wife as well. But the only way to get out of this is to talk about it honestly and openly. Both of you have to do that, in order to show respect to the other one.

This is really hard on him and also on you as the parent. I agree with most of the advice that was given above, especially the one who said let him know to not take her back because he should preserve his dignity and self respect. But teenagers will do whatever and they typically don’t make the best longterm decisions. They usually don’t listen to parents as for them it’s more about short term gratification, which is normal for that age. But you can certainly let him know what your opinion is. He can find out the hard way, but I’m sending hugs, because I know that’s tough …

In a perfect world that probably depends on what husband and wife agree on. But I do understand that in reality that’s not always the case or even possible. Many men who feel like they’re not “getting any” at home will resort to affairs or even sex workers (if that’s legal in your area). The dead bedroom is a well known issue in many marriages, and it’s not even limited to “older” couples in their 50s or women in menopause; a lot of times it’s simply about getting bored of having sex with the same person, and it also happens a lot after childbirth. So you’re not alone. Have you discussed it?

Wait, how do you know she has moved to your area, if you haven't had any contact in 16 years? Anyway - if you're contemplating reaching out, I wonder what your end goal is. Haven't you established that a simple friendship is not going to work? Looked up that video clip, and yes, solid performance, but I couldn't figure the heck out what she possibly commented. So either way ...... I get your dilemma, I really do, but I don't understand your thought process very well. However, I can respect that 20 years of "history" is not exactly nothing. Keep us posted!

Do what you wish but remember setting up dates isn't difficult when both individuals are interested in one another and willing to make time for each other.