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It seems to me that she was friendly, but wasn't willing to cheat with you when you were in a relationship, so she ghosted. When you were single, you never once asked her out. Everytime you spent time together, it was by chance or because she suggested it. Ask her out if you want to date her, otherwise leave her alone. A lot of people get really bored with constant texting/messaging and never going on a date...which is probably why she stopped responding to you over and over. She probably views you as passive and borderline feminine. That may be how she sees you now, so it might be too late to ask her out.

Everything you wrote in your post is spot on, but this part is especially important. I also feel that analyzing that girl’s character is less of a point here than the OP’s expectations.

You’re putting the carriage in front of the horse. Don’t think about dating now, think about how to improve your mental health. First you should everything in your power to become the best version of yourself, or at least a version that is strong and healthy enough to withstand the turmoil of romance. Only then you’ll be in a position to tackle dating. Don’t be like a soldier who is eager to go to war but has no weapons, no ammunition, and no proper training.

I think you should start worrying about dates when you're actually going on dates. But to get to that point you have to get yourself moving forward with your life and out there meeting people first.

So you were her attention buddy, basically. Random adds on Instagram are most often some kind of attention or validation seeking. A booty call at best, but more commonly this. Not to be harsh but I think anything about this girl in particular isnt very relevant. The main issue as I see it is that you seem to have positioned her in your head as your fantasy woman, a dream girl who would make everything better when you were at your lowest points with your partner. Take it from someone who's doing and has done a lot of work on himself about similar issues: the fact that you find the way she acts and communicates sexy and alluring rather than immature attention seeking and off putting probably means your self-esteem isn't the highest. I'd also bet that in a way it's a sort of coping mechanism to escape and not stay present and grounded in the feelings of your more immediate life, such as when you found yourself in the midst of that toxic relationship. Your ideal partner obviously isnt your toxic ex but it probably isnt some unobtainable manic pixie dream girl either. And you're probably not going to meet her until you stop operating from a place that you want a girl who will come along and save you and make everything feel wonderful.

Your mental health is priority #1. When you have this better managed, the rest of your life should start to fall into place

You have a point I just don't know if I'll ever have a direction in life.

You're too fixated on dating. You keep asking questions about dating. You are in no position to date, honestly. You need to get your mental health to a better place, find some direction in life, and get healthy. Dating isn't going to come before that.

As people probably know from my past posts, I'm in grad school and am in my mid 30s living with parents. However, I feel like I'm largely in this gradschool program because I feel like I don't have any other options and I'm afraid if I don't continue that I'll live with my parents for longer and it will be harder to date women. At first. I felt good knowing that I was doing something with my life, but. I can't help to feel that I'm just forcing myself for the wrong reasons. My mental health is already bad and this precicament is making it worse. What should I do? I don't want to be romantically lonely until I'm 60...

Cosleeping and Dating I have a son who is nearly 7. He exclusively coslept with me starting at about a year old to 2 years old due to me getting only about 2 hours of broken sleep a night and my husband at the time refused to help with overnights. After about age 2, I started transitioning my son to his own room and he's done well with that since about age 2.5. He still ends up in my bed early in the morning but otherwise he sleeps in his own room. He just needs me with him to fall asleep so we lay down and read books and I stay until he's asleep. He still ends up in my room a few hours before it's time to get up which is fine. There are occasional nights where I let my son fall asleep and stay in my bed the whole night but I try not to make a habit of it. It usually happens once a week. I have divorced and moved on and I've been with my current partner for about a year and a half. We are extremely long distance so sometimes him staying the night while I have my son is unavoidable (I have a 2-2-3, 50% custody schedule). I still do the same bedtime routine. Nothing has changed in terms of attention towards my son. If anything, I make it a point to make sure I give him extra attention when my partner is over so that my son doesn't feel like he's losing my focus and my partner does stuff with us and also gives space for me to have alone time with my son. And I thought I was doing well but apparently I'm not. I don't let my son have that night falling asleep in my bed when my partner is here so we just do the regular bedtime routine where he falls asleep in his own room. I have also discussed with my partner that once we eventually move in together, I'd like to spend one night a week staying the night in my son's room which he is fine with. My son still usually ends up in my bed in the early morning and he sleeps on the end and I sleep in the middle for a couple of hours. A couple of nights ago my son was in tears telling me he felt left out and wants to sleep in the middle of the bed. My partner doesn't want that and that's fair. But my son isn't happy with being on my side at the end for that couple of hours. And this morning he woke up and was upset again that he didn't have as much room when he came in early this morning and he was angry with me. I don't know what to do or if I'm screwing him up. I think his biggest worry is that things will change with us. And I've tried to reassure him that he's always going to be the most important person in my life and nothing will change that and he's safe and he's loved and we still have our special time together but I don't know if it's registering and I just feel like I'm failing him. I've tried to very slowly integrate my partner into my son's life and not pressurize the whole thing but I feel like even easing into it is not enough. My son likes my partner and over the past year since I've introduced them, my partner is only around him maybe 2-7 days a month, but it's clear that he has some anxiety about things changing.

Move on, she’s a social butterfly that is not into you.

Remove yourself from this seriously abusive relationship; she seems toxic and controlling.

This guy s terminal. You are wasting your time, so dust yourself off and get out there n the scene. Easier said than done, but you probably know that she will stray sooner or later. Good only part of the time is a stressor, don’t be that person.

It's really concerning that you would even need to ask us whether these things are normal in a relationship. Do you really think this relationship is normal and ok? Let me spell it out.... this relationship sounds completely toxic and you sound miserable in it. Why on earth haven't you already ended it? You need to break up with her, and don't date again until you do some serious work on your self-esteem so you develop skills to not think it's ok for someone to treat you like this in the future.

Trying to figure out where to begin with this, but I'll give it a try: First off, despite some of the positives, she doesn't sound as genuine as she's being made out to be. You mentioned somewhere at the top about her being a Christian. I'm hear to say, as a Christian myself, that she's not one. To have this many anxieties, trust issues, jealousy, and to be so controlling, that doesn't spell out her being a Christian. Part of our faith is if you're in a relationship, and you're a woman, you should respect and submit to the man you're with. In other words, she must learn to trust you and give up some of her authority, a true sign of respect. She's not doing that, and that alone should tell you to get away from her. If she loves you, she will follow YOUR lead, not the other way around. Which brings me to my next issue, moving in with her before marriage. Every time I read about a relationship going sideways on hear, or even with people I know, the first thing I find out is they move in together as bf/gf, instead of husband/wife. Some would argue that there's some leeway if you're engaged, but even then it's rocky. The love starts to fizzle out, there's constant fighting, and no one seems to trust one and other to do the right thing like paying bills, taking care of the household, or if there's kids involved (which I don't encourage having outside of marriage, but understand things happen) taking care of them. It's a fight for control and who does what, whereas a married couple, if they follow their vows and discussed their responsibilities as husband and wife before they move in together for the rest of their lives, the fights will not occur nearly as often, down every once a blue moon. This doesn't mean they won't have them, especially at the beginning , but that doesn't mean they don't love each other. Rather it's them figuring out what needs to happen because it's a lifelong commitment, and if children would come, you have to work as a team to make sure they're top priority, even over yourselves. Make time for moments between you two and love one and other, but the kids come first. The problem with bfs and gfs moving in together is they typically don't have these discussions. They react out of emotion rather than logic. Since they don't have wedding bands on, it's a sign they're not as committed to each other as they made out. This isn't saying that you yourself aren't committed to this woman, but since no vows were made, no ground rules, no plans, nor anything of the sort, in her mind, you're just a dude with the label of bf. Not as a human being, but rather an object that's paying for a home she probably isn't put much effort into. It's kind of a gripe of mine on this topic because there's so much to it, but the point is the greatest mistake that a lot of men make is moving in with their girlfriends without even thinking of the consequences and they end up paying for it. The most frustrating part of it is they see so many other men that have done it and get wrecked, then they think they're the exception to this, when the process repeats itself. It's as if they don't learn, and that's why I think the first and greatest mistake that not only you made but many other men make is moving in with women that are not even their wives. Okay, so there's that. Next thing, and like many other people, you're putting this woman on a high pedestal. We've heard this all before. Me especially, because I was a man who did such a thing. I've encountered many women who I thought were very nice. Had the right morals, we believed in many of the same things, basically me thinking anytime I'd find a woman she was like a unicorn. The excuses I made for them because I was so in love (or at least I thought I was). Now, this isn't to say none of them were actually good, but some of them were not all what they were cracked up to be. One woman in particular was someone I thought was really into me. Long story short, she was very flirtatious around me, always made it seem like she was interested, and was very willing to go out with our friends. But when came to going out, just us two, something always came up. I ended up taking her out on one date, and, where we were still friends, we ultimately didn't get together. And the excuses I made for her: "She's really cool, doing roller derby and travels a lot." "She had something come up with her family, so we're not going out tonight, but she's reliable and honest enough to tell me that she'll make up for it." She believes in God like I do, even though she doesn't go church or follow much of what our faith teaches, but church is all around us and she's a free spirit." To be honest, these aren't word for word what I said, but it's heavily implied that's what I meant. Anyway, the truth was she was unreliable, starved for attention from other men, wasn't a Christian, and really wasn't as interested in me as she made out. I don't like admitting this, but, more or less, she friend-zoned me. That happened nearly 4 years ago, and during that time, I've seen and heard from other men being turned down the way I was (and many other guys, as well). It made me feel foolish because I talked her up so much only to discover she didn't think of me in the same light, and other people close to me heard about it and seen my pathetic situation. Again, we're still friends, but that's it. Outside of that, we don't talk much. So if you and this woman don't work out and you find another one, don't get too excited and make her out to be something she may not. The other thing I've noticed on here is how she doesn't really care much about what you have to say. Again, it comes back to respect. You mentioned she likes to narrow conversation topics, in particular social stuff (which sounds more like gossip), while you like to talk about stuff that's factual and she doesn't seem to care much about what you have to say. It's as if she expects you to pay attention about what she has to say but not you. That's a sign she thinks whatever you have to say outside of anything you find interesting is irrelevant but wants you to accept everything she's saying as important. Yeah, some of it can come down to men and women are interested in different things, which is true, but just to blow you off as if you have nothing important to say, that's different, especially when it affects you two directly. I've noticed, based on what you're saying, is you've put in a lot of thought and effort into this relationship. Planned events, birthdays, social gatherings, you're active. That's good. However, and I'm going to be honest with you here, your gf doesn't sound all that grateful. Getting upset with you when things may not go 100% the way she wanted it, even though she never really planned any of it herself. Her getting upset because you talked to her sister's bf on a topic you both found interesting for a few minutes. That's bs because men have as much freedom to talk about the things they're interested in as women. That just sounds like she wanted you to sit there like a good boy, keep your mouth closed, and listen to her ramble on and on. It wasn't like you were talking to another woman and flirting with her instead of your gf, so I call that a sign of her wanting all the attention on herself from everyone at the breakfast instead of 2 sisters and their bfs getting together for a meal to talk and catch up. Speaking of other women, she's overly against you talking to any other female. I get that trying to converse with someone of the opposite gender can be considered risky, due to attraction, but under the right circumstances, so long as the two parties don't have any romantic feelings towards each other, it's fine. Just keep it friendly and nothing more. However, my question is does she have male friends? How often does she talk to them? Is it right for her to talk to them but you not allowed to talk to other women? Is she so blinded by her own jealousy and insecurity that she doesn't see that you're committed to her and not another woman? You don't have to answer all that, but the point is she's making it seem like the whole "rules for thee but not for me" trope. I'd be careful with that one. To wrap this up, it doesn't really matter if your family and others outside that relationship think about this woman. Even though you're trying to make it seem like everything's fine, but they're clearly not. Like I was, I think you like the idea of this woman, accepting all the good but not taking into account the negatives, and from what it sounds like there's a lot of negatives. And like me before, it's on your mind constantly. The one question that kept reoccurring to me I can see happening to you: does she actually like me? You may say 'yes' now on here, but because of all this justification talk and the problems she brings, that's really what's being asked. Trust me, even though you may pretend it doesn't bother you, it comes up throughout the day. It effects your work, relationship with family and friends, and your mental health. All of this isn't intentional nor does it mean you're a creep or weird. It's normal because, again, you like the idea of this girl. But you have to remember the other people close to you. I'll give out another truth, your family and friends are, at this point in time, more important. They actually love and care about you. I don't think this woman does, at least not to the degree that you like her. Whenever I really liked a woman, there were times I forgot about my family and friends, especially when they were willing to do things with and for me. Foolishly, I thought whoever said woman was would be the one that actually count. The reason: I thought that there was a chance that she was the one. But, obviously, there hasn't been a single one where I thought was wife material that would marry me. Anyway, if there's a way to exit this relationship with this woman you're with, do it. She's not worth it. If she puts on this amount of stress and overthinking on you, she is far more trouble than what she's worth. It sounds like you're a decent enough guy and open to doing certain things. Maybe something else to consider is to practice Christianity, learn and read up on what the Bible says. Just a thought, and it can help you avoid women like this. Bottom line, find a way to get out of the house/apartment with this woman, have all your receipts ready when gathering your belongings, and call off the relationship. There are women out there that won't give you this amount of trouble this current gf is giving you.

What's not to understand? She had a pattern of this behavior the whole time you knew her. In reading your post I've lost count of how many times she ghosted you, stopped talking to you for periods of time, stopped replying to your messages. She was always extremely flaky and would disappear without explanation, only to randomly pop up later. It sounds like she has probably been seeing multiple other people. You are the one who should have recognized her low interest and flaky behavior way earlier, and stopped trying so hard with this girl. When someone has a very low level of interest in you, and shows that by not bothering to reply to messages, you don't keep pursuing them. Why on earth were you continuing to call, text and even instagram message someone who wasn't replying to you? Don't lose your self-respect by chasing after someone who hasn't bothered to reply. Do you really want to put yourself in a position of desperation like that? The first time they don't bother to reply to you, they are sending you a message that they have a low level of interest in you, and that you aren't worth their time. Why would you even text them again after that. Have more self respect than that.

This woman is a walking basket of red flags. You mention you have "compromised" on contraception - please tell us that you haven't stopped using it! You'll be tied to her for at least 18 years if you get her pregnant. You're both in your 20s. You've only been together for 1.5 years. If it doesn't feel right, there's no point in sticking with it. You both have all the time in the world, truly. I understand that this is your first serious relationship - but most people don't end up with their first serious relationship. Leaving will hurt at first, naturally, but it will get better, I promise. I've been with my husband for nearly two decades and I can assure you that this isn't true. No relationship is perfect, but no relationship should be like what you described, either.

Perhaps she found someone else but chances would be slim that if she were dating someone already she would have given him an invitation to come over to her place. Knowing how many guys view an invitation to a ladies home she probably just decided in the few hours in-between her inviting him and him trying to confirm the invite she just decided that that wasn't what she wanted from the situation.

Clearly, she was just exploring options and never intended to have any romantic relationship with you. She probably shouldn’t have ghosted you, but my guess is that she just found someone she liked romantically and then thought ghosting you would be the least painful way out of the predicament. Not very polite, I know, but it happens. You’re taking it too seriously, and you invested way too much into that girl.

Yeah her reaction really isn't that uncommon. She probably talks to lots of men like that but ends up dating or becoming involved with very few of them. As the poster above said she is probably more interested in getting attention from men then she is in actually dating any one of them. After thinking about it for a bit when she invited you over to her place she probably decided she didn't want it to turn into anything physical so that is why she poofed on you immediately after giving you an invitation to come over to her house. Lots of young people are like this.

She's an attention-seeking flake. I am rather shocked you were still giving her the time of day, honestly. She sounds not single, rather nuts, seeing several guys at once..maybe a combo of all three. Whatever the case, she's taking up way too much rent in your mind. Please forget about her. She's been wasting your time since the very beginning.

When I read the very first post, I got the impression you were experiencing dating burnout. Reading the subsequent posts only convinced me of that. I think you need to take a break from dating and thinking about dating.

So this one has some history so it's a bit winded but I could really use some advice please as I'm beyond stumped and think about it all the time. So back in late 2021, I was fresh fresh out of a 9 year marriage. I get a random follow request on Instagram. I look at the profile and it's this cute girl. Profile actually looks legit and I notice she follows a few mutual acquaintances so I accept. She sends me a message within an hour and we get to talking. At the time she was 20, I was 28 (now 25 and 33). Turns out she lives a couple of hours away, my profile popped up in her suggested friends and she liked what she saw so reached out. Something clicked right away with her to me and I could tell this was something maybe special starting. We talk quite a bit for the first week. Her replies were quick then after a week, her replies took longer and longer. Then I wouldn't get a reply for a day or two. I'm like whatever, people get busy. After a few days she'd check in and have a conversation for a bit then go silent for a few days. She did this for a month. I was down in her area a few times and tried to meet up to meet her but could never get her to commit or she'd reply after I was already long gone back home. Then she gave me her number and said to text her as it's usually easier. We talked by text for a few days and then all of a sudden dead silence. Never heard anything back. I was really bummed out as I was really getting into her. Couple of months later in early 2022, I start dating someone so I removed her off Instagram out of respect. Occasionally she'd pop into my mind but that's about it. In summer 2023, I was at a concert with a buddy on the floor and literally walk right into her. She instantly recognizes me and gets all excited and says hi.... this was the first time meeting her in person. She asks if her and her friend can stand with us. I say sure no problem. Chat with her a bit during the show but kept it very/strictly friendly as I was still in the relationship with the person I started dating in early 2022. After the show she messages me and says it was great to see me. I say you too. She sends me a few more messages about random stuff and then goes silent. Never heard from her after that. Back in April 2025, I was in a really rough spot in my relationship (like really rough... being physically and mentally abused) and admitely started thinking about her. I send her a follow request on Instagram again as well as Snapchat. She almost immediately accepts the Instagram one (but didnt accept Snapchat) and sends me one back. I reach out and just say hey how's it going etc. She replies, we occasionally chat back and forth a little about life but it doesn't go much further than that. She was her typical taking a day or two to reply. After a week communication goes silent. Around June 2025, I message her and say "hey hope all is well". She replies back the next day basically asking what's going on with my relationship. She wanted to know my intentions and where I was with it. I explained a bit what was going on, I was ending it because it was toxic etc. She says how sorry she is that I'm going thru that and hopefully I can get it figured out and she had a feeling something like that was going on and totally understood. Never heard a word after that from her. Then a month later out of the blue she accepts my Snapchat request. Sends me a few normal life snaps one evening and chats for 15 minutes then goes silent. Don't hear from her again however I could see her viewing my stuff on Instagram. Shortly after this, I decide to leave my relationship as I finally had enough. Around this time I also noticed she unfollowed me on Instagram but kept me as a follower. In September 2025, I'm at another concert with my buddy and I look over and see her sitting with her sister like 15 seats down. What are the odds. After the show, I message her and tell her how I saw her and how close we were and she says I should have come said hello and talked to her. Ends up chatting with me for 3 hours that night and then kept up consistent conversation for the next 2 weeks which wasn't normal but a very refreshing change. One night she messages me and invites me out to a pub with her and her friends so I tag along. We hang out, hit it off really well. After the pub closes, she's supposed to go back to her friends that night but wanted to go for a drive with me to hang out and had a few drinks so she asks me to drive her to her friends at the end of the night. I happily agree. We go for a drive, chat, listen to music etc. I go to drop her off and she says let's go drive more. So we do. Eventually we go back to her friends to drop her off and I walk her to the door to make sure she gets inside safe. She gives me a huge hug and says thank you and talk to you later. I get home to see a message from her saying how she had a great time and we definitely need to hang out again very soon. I'm like wow this is finally going somewhere. We chat for the next 30 mins then she stops replying. I don't end up hearing from her for a week. Keep in mind I sent a couple messages just checking in with no reply. Finally after the week she replies apologizing saying shes been busy as she's buying a place and going to be moving and works been hectic etc. I'm like hey no problem at all! Over the next couple of weeks she'd chat on and off but it was always consistent conversation. During this time she tells me that she's working late most evenings and I'm welcome to stop by her work anytime as she's the only one there typically (I never did as the few times I was in the area, she wasnt there). She also mentioned she was going to a concert coming up in November 2025 and I should buy the ticket beside her and her friend so we can hang out. Unfortunately I went to get the ticket but it was already gone. We continued to chat on and off, she'd do her typical day or two to respond; sometimes 3 or 4. During this time frame, she removed me off Snapchat. I asked about it and was told she removed a ton of people as she doesn't use it much. Then she went silent at the beginning of November 2025. Two weeks go by and nothing. Since I couldn't get the ticket beside her to the concert , I didn't go. The night of the concert I text her and ask how it is. She replies right away and we chat for hours. She tells me how she just moved into her new place and I should come over the next evening and check it out and see her. I'm like absolutely so we make plans. She tells me to aim for 5pm but she'll confirm a set in stone time in the morning. I'm like perfect. She tells me she's really excited to see me and is really looking forward to it. That's the last time I heard from her. I texted her mid day the next day touching base to see if 5pm still worked. No reply. Tried calling around 5, no answer. Ive shot her a few texts since then wishing her happy birthday etc with no reply. A few weeks ago I sent her a message on Instagram as she still has me as a follower that said I'd love to see her and invited her to a concert. She viewed it almost a week later but no reply. It's been almost 4 months since I've heard from her. I don't understand.... she literally made plans for me to come over then told me how excited she was to see me..... then never spoke to me again. Would love some opinions or insight here llease as it's still bugging me big time and kinda eating me alive inside.... it just doesn't make any sense to me. Why invite me over then ghost?

Goodness… She is a controlling, jealous, and borderline abusive person who is causing damage to your mental and physical health. Run far away and break off all contact with her.

Thank you for your sweet words, Sanch. It is actually a bit interesting that it doesn’t take me a lot of effort to stay away and keep no contact this time. In the past I couldn’t. Now I feel good and quite happy, relieved. Guess I wasn’t ready to walk away earlier, but I’m very sorry to myself it took so long until I was able to actually walk away