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I assume OP must be somewhat kinky to even entertain this guy. Anyone whos into traditional dating would be running a mile not thinking about it. I doesnt sound like whatever her kinks are are the same as his though, or that his are particularly safe or healthy.

I can vouch for them tested and confirmed

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Look, maybe you can't date a really good looking man. What happens in a relationship, when it works, is that we tune into the love of our partner, the feeling of our partner, the trust of our partner. And that quiets the fear that they will run off with someone else. If we can feel safe and secure with our partner, then what's the point of dating? At bottom, you have fear of abandonment and rejection. Deep deep fear. Some fear of abandonment is totally normal. Being tormented is not good for you or your mental health and disastrous for a relationship. Most likely, this fear of being rejected or abandoned because your bf gets a smile or some words from someone else passing by (that he shows not the slightest interest in) goes back to something in your childhood and in your family. Nothing to do with him or with the "flirting" women. You can work on it. But I’d get help–fast!!!!--because there’s no way the relationship will last with your behavior and reactions. Your jealousy is distrust from his point of view. People hate being distrusted by their closest love. Why haven’t you gotten help for this already?!

Push

Yeah, we started hooking up. We meet every weekend. Shes coming tomorrow and I am always excited.

No, you don't trust him. Other people's behavior wouldn't bother you if you did. You'd recognize that if he's hot, he's been navigating without you for the entirety of his adult life, and he's been on both sides of flirting for the duration. And it's led him to you. Right where he wants to be. That's great news for you and tough luck for everyone else who wishes they could be you. If you could see it that way, you'd find the antics of others to seek his attention as funny rather than a threat to you. However, not only do you not trust BF to roll with those antics without registering them as a big deal, you don't trust your own value. It's as though you expect BF to be hostile, arrogant, and mean toward those unfortunate enough to get anywhere with him. But then BF wouldn't be the man you fell in love with, would he? You're dragging BF down, so it's up to you to get a grip. A huge percentage of our feelings are generated by the stories we tell ourselves. So what, exactly, are you telling yourself will happen whenever someone flirts with your BF? People flirt. Some of us flirt with everyone--men, women, children, babies, the elderly, golden retrievers ... it's not a crime, it's human play, and it's fun. You should try it. You'll discover how benign it can be.

People who are not sick and twisted don't usually have innate insight into what motivates those who are, except to recognize sick and twisted when they see it--and rUn. Don't trust strangers, especially ones who hide behind a screen. If you want to meet someone worthy to date, stay within a local radius, keep messaging short and clean, and suggest meeting over a quick coffee in public to check one another out. Anyone who won't do that is seeking free masturbation material, not a relationship, no matter what they 'say'.

What, exactly, do you fear that these 'people' can do? Over whom do they have influence when it comes to your father's private affairs? Your father sees through your brother, and you've confirmed with a legal expert that that's all you need to be concerned with.

It's overkill. It's also patronizing.

That is not the sort of uncontrollable reaction I meant. Aren't you? What happened here?

Did you know that your bf was bisexual? Regardless, cheating is cheating. You're not married or otherwise tethered to this person. Either he isn't sure of his sexuality and is exploring while in the safety of a relationship with you, or he is inherently un-monogamous. Either way, I'd recommend moving on.

Yeah, really and truly it is tough, I wouldn't sugar coat it. But both for you and for her its not a good idea, keep it to logistics and be prepared for her to block you or cut you off completely. Its nothing personal it's just emotional protection. I've only started talking to my ex recently in a friendly way, and we haven't talked for 6 years since the breakup. It's only possible now because me and I presume her have fully processed everything and any lingering romantic feelings are gone. Until that point its not a good idea. If the thought of texting her or finding out shes with another guy still makes your stomach drop and gives you heart palpitations, dont do it.

Thank you. I totally get what you’re saying about not staying friends and I agree, the last thing I wanna do is confuse her. She’s gonna be moving out of the apartment soon and I know we’re gonna have to text/contact each other regarding some logistics. That’s gonna be really hard

Thanks everyone for your honesty and thoughts (I'm the OP)

If she legitimately is a coach (especially at the highschool level) then she definitely is really busy. Probably doesn't even get home until 7 or 8pm or perhaps even later during the week and on weekends she will be getting ready for next week's opponent. If you want someone who will make time for you dating someone who is a coach definitely isn't the best idea (at least during the time of year the season is going on). My brother is a coach and his kids joke that they basically never even see him during the football season.

Allow me to give an example. Someone flirts with him and it gets to me. I go quiet. He keeps asking what is wrong. I tell him he knows what is wrong and just let me deal with it. He tells me to snap out of it. I say I wish I could. I tell him I love him and to please just let me work through this. He keeps prodding. I DON"T want to fight so I grab my board and go surfing. I come home and I've calmed down. I am not fighting with him, I am not picking a fight, it's more fighting with myself to be a better person for myself and for him. He says he understands and is willing to work with me but still sometimes thinks I'm fighting with him. I don't know what it is but I wish whatever it is in my head wasn't broken because it's not fun for me either.

You don't have control over picking fights with him as a response to your jealousy? I don't buy that. My guess is that you don't pick fights with him in front of other people, for example. Do you?

Yes, she is unforunately not interested.

I'm confused as to why you wouldn't tell them your side right then and there, if they are calling you with the things your brother has been spreading. Why do you feel as though you need to wait until they ask you to tell your side? If someone called me like this, I would respond immediately and give my side of the story. I'm also confused as to why you haven't addressed this with your father. If your brother has been talking badly about you to your father, why shouldn't you talk to your father and tell your side? Staying quiet about it and letting your father hear your brother's side without your rebuttal doesn't make much sense.

If you asked her out and didn't get a response, that is your response. She's not interested.

I wish I did have control. It's easy to say. Not so easy to do. At least for me. But I am working on it, I know it's my issue.

I don't think that. I probably overreact too much but telling someone that you would turn around and check them out if you walked past them is flirting, you are telling them you think they're attractive. If it was that alone maybe it's okay but it was more than that. Look I know I react too easily at times but this example with the glasses was 100% her flirting. I get that I should feel good that she think my man is a bit of alright but I just get jealous. That's my struggle.

The woman at the optometrist was another customer, not the one serving my bf.