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Hi everyone, I’m in a tricky situation and could use some perspective. I’m reconnecting with my ex, and we’re in this “getting to know each other again” phase. So far we’ve had three meetups: The first one went really well, we watched a movie and cuddled. The next two meetings were harder for me because I was quite nervous and struggled to give her closeness; I was tense and she noticed that, especially at the last meetup. Yesterday, we had planned another meetup, but she canceled at the last minute, saying she had a migraine. I have a feeling it might also have been related to her noticing my nervousness in the chat, and that she might have wanted to avoid a situation similar to the last meetup. Since then, she said she needs some time for herself. It’s been over a week since we last met, and she’s been replying slower and slower to messages. Despite that, she’s always warm and understanding in her replies, which makes me feel safe but also highlights my own insecurities. I’ve been feeling anxious and insecure, worried that I might be “too much” or “too little.” I’m wondering whether it would help to open up honestly about my anxiety, or if that might push her away or overwhelm her. Is it generally better to be honest and share these feelings, or should I hold back in situations like this? Thanks for any perspective! *I structured this post with the help of ChatGPT to make my thoughts clearer, since my native language is German.

I think it's best if you leave it be. If she were interested in seeing you, you likely would have heard from her after she became single.

Hey guys i hope you all are having amazing time. 3 months ago i invited a girl that i liked for a coffee and she softly rejected me saying she is busy and she has exams and stuff like this. it was 2 weeks ago that i found out she had a long distance boyfriend at that time and 10 days after rejecting me, they have broken up. Do you guys think I should try again or not? And if yes , how? i really appreciate your advice

I just re-read the original post… I read it wrong the first time, for some reason I thought he told the OP that the other girl isn’t as good as her. Of course you’re right. That’s just terrible.

This is a horrible insult. He's saying you don't live up to them. 9 Years is a long time to give to someone who doesn't think you're good enough for him.

When someone becomes secretive with their phone and emotionally focused on another person, it’s usually a sign that something in the relationship needs honest attention. You can’t control his behavior, but you can ask for clarity, set your boundaries, and pay attention to how he responds when you do.

I’ve seen it go both ways, and from what I’ve experienced, it really comes down to how well you can separate work roles from the relationship itself. When you learn to switch hats — coworker at work, partner at home — it can actually build a lot of respect and teamwork because you see each other’s strengths up close every day. But if you don’t set boundaries, work stress can follow you home and make it feel like there’s never a mental break. The situations I’ve watched succeed long-term are the ones where couples protect personal time, communicate clearly, and remember they’re partners first and coworkers second

This must be really tough on you, I genuinely understand this exact situation, because I myself experienced something similar with my husband. He told me how he was actually not feeling the whole thing again, a quite painful experience. They’re few things I’ll like to point out but I am not comfortable writing it out on here. At this point I’ll suggest you prioritize what’s best for your kids. If you want to discuss this further you can text me

Thank you, it’s easy to get lost in the weeds on this. I need to keep that high level perspective. Very helpful!

I’m sorry you’re going through this pain. Keep moving forward, everything I’ve been told suggests it gets much better in time. Stay strong! Remember, a lot of good guys have been down this road before and we’re just joining them now.

Yep. It's a no-win for him. You treat him like your property rather than a grown man who's navigated his whole life before you without any need to be accountable for the behaviors of others. You're acting like a bottomless pit, and if you don't change that right now, you're going to lose him. It's not just about avoiding fights. The fights are caused by your pouting and shutdowns that ruin his days and cause him to walk on eggshells around you. Nobody who is healthy would choose a partner who is that moody and controlling.

Definitely tell the coworkers you are leaving. My sister was a nurse for 40 years, and there was an accepted ritual of hospital workers telling the remaining workers they were leaving. Why does that idea so upset you? And no, not harassment at all. Actually, it's the practice (probably a requirement) at many workplaces that run 24 hours a day and people are coming and going off shifts.

literally not harassment.

Reading your story really hit home. I’m going through a rough divorce myself, and even though the details are different, the emotional weight feels familiar. What’s been hardest for me is the impact on my kids — trying to communicate, stay calm, and not let my pain spill into their world. Some days it feels overwhelming, so I look for small ways to keep myself grounded, whether that’s routines, reflection, or even tools I’ve come across on https://progearph.org while trying to take better care of both my mind and body. We all deserve peace and respect after what we’ve been through, don't we??

Exactly. Coming at it from the angle of "what is this guys deal?" doesnt really line up. A lot of people would just consider him weird and possibly a bit dangerous and move on pretty quickly. What makes more sense is if OP found him to have a bit of bad boy appeal and wanted to change and mould him to fit her image of what she wants, thereby proving herself worthy and powerful, rather than just finding someone who is a better fit to begin with.

Kindly, I would urge you to do some serious work on your self-worth before you venture back into dating, OP. You have very flimsy boundaries and your bar is set way too low. The wrong sorts of people, like this man, are going to try to exploit your naivety and emotion al vulnerability.

It’s clear you found a certain appeal to his confidence or intensity at first, I mean, you said this has been going on for over a year? You're quite naive and I don't mean that as a dig towards you but you were operating from a place of hope, loneliness, and inexperience while he milked that for all it was worth. He knew exactly how to keep you hooked just enough to stay in his orbit. I'm glad you've stepped away from it but even posting on here you're still in a way trying to understand his behaviour. I know you're seeking clarity but your time would be better spent focusing on why this dynamic pulled you in, what needs or vulnerabilities it tapped into, and how you can strengthen those parts of yourself so someone like him never gets that kind of access again. If you respond back to someone who doesn’t share your values and they push back, you’re not having a conversation anymore you’re being trained to doubt yourself. That’s the moment to step away, not to negotiate. And that’s really the core of what happened here. Some people will keep pushing back until you learn to be assertive enough to say, this isn't working for me, bye!

Why even engage for that long? You're the one claiming you're looking for a loyal and long-term relationship. The moment a stranger crosses lines into behavior you wouldn't respect from a loyal and long-term partner, that's the time to shut them down and block them. No negotiation is necessary. If you want to waste your time on erotic seducers, that's not against the law, it's just not productive. It's one more barrier to finding the right man you're placing in your own way.

Just to be clear - I have blocked him now.

I think you're missing what your boyfriend is actually telling you. When he says "it hurts that I don't love him enough to trust him," he's not talking about trusting him not to cheat. He's talking about the constant emotional labor of reassuring you, the tension every time you go out, the fights over situations where he did nothing wrong. You say you trust him, but then you pick fights after he literally kissed you in front of someone to show he's taken. That's not about the other woman anymore, that's about you needing him to prove himself over and over again. That's exhausting for a partner. Good on you for booking therapy. In the meantime, when you feel that jealousy spike, try asking yourself "what did HE actually do wrong here?" If the answer is nothing, then you need to physically remove yourself like you did with the surfing until you can process it without making it his problem.

You're nostalgic for the comfort and familiarity, not the actual relationship. The fact that you specifically say you don't love him romantically anymore is your answer. You miss having a partner and best friend, not necessarily him as your partner. Also worth noting that he's being avoidant again, the same pattern that contributed to your breakup. Three years later and he still hasn't worked on that. People can change, but it doesn't sound like he has. The "right person, wrong time" thing is usually just a comforting story we tell ourselves. If you were truly right for each other, you'd feel more than just comfortable nostalgia.

The real question is why are you still trying to figure him out instead of just blocking and moving on? He's told you exactly who he is multiple times, someone who doesn't respect your boundaries and keeps pushing after you've said no. That's all you need to know. Doesn't matter if it's a fetish thing, manipulation, or whatever. The pattern is clear: you say you're uncomfortable, he ignores it and keeps pushing. That's not someone looking for a relationship, that's someone looking for someone they can wear down.

unsolicited advice...DO NOT be so graceful about what a saint your wife is when speaking to your lawyer. no one cares what she tried to do or what changes she's worked on in the past. bottom line, she wants an open marriage and is no longer willing to be monogamous and committed to you, and that's all you need to repeat to yourself about getting divorced. and to your lawyer.

here's the thing. their normal is fine for them. if their normal does not seem normal to you, then block and stop talking to them. their normal doesn't have to make sense to you, and it's fine to not agree with their normal not matching what you feel to be normal.

My wife and I are in our mid-30s and have been together about 8 years. We have two young kids (5 and 2). The younger one still struggles with sleeping through the night, and we split bedtime and nighttime responsibilities between us. I work full-time in a high-stress job while she works part-time. The younger one just started daycare a month ago. Over time I realize that one source of friction is how we experience desire. I tend to feel desire more spontaneously, while she seems to respond more once things are already in motion. She enjoys sex when we have it, but rarely initiates. Before kids, our sex life and physical affection felt easier and more frequent—sex about twice a week, daily cuddling, and affection that wasn’t always tied to sex. Since our second child, I’ve tried to make sure I am supporting her and giving her enough time to be her own person. I want to be clear that I’m not listing these things as a transaction or expectation, just as context. I am not just watching sports while she is cooking dinner and raising our kids. I handle most meals, laundry, dishes, trash, planning date nights, arranging babysitters, and we do monthly “how are we doing” check-ins. We also try to continue with daily non-sexual affection, like kissing goodbye and offering compliments. I’ve come to accept that she will probably always initiate sex and physical affection less than I do. To her credit, she does show affection in her own ways—playful teasing, coming up behind me for a quick kiss, and occasional compliments. What I find harder is that over time she’s also stopped putting much effort into her appearance, even on date nights. This isn’t about a specific look or standard, but more so I miss feeling visually or romantically desired sometimes. The feeling of, "Wow, she put that effort in for my attention," like when you first start dating. I still find her very attractive and think about her often. She has mild depression and sees a therapist. She also sometimes asks, half-jokingly, whether I’m infatuated with anyone else, which makes me wonder if insecurity is part of what’s going on. I’m not trying to change who she is or pressure her. I’m trying to figure out how to talk honestly about wanting to feel desired in the relationship without sounding shallow, critical, or like I’m adding another burden—especially given the stress of young kids and everything she’s already carrying. For those who’ve been through similar stages of marriage or parenting: how would you approach this topic of wanting to feel desired?