All Activity

Rebound relationships usually don’t last 3 years, so whatever it was in the beginning, I don’t think rebounding is the reason for what’s happening now. Clearly, this is something new and serious. Maybe some tragic event occurred in her life very recently. Some people stop communicating with others when they are grieving. If she keeps ignoring your texts and calls, I think you should go to her place and check on her. Do you have any mutual friends? Are you in contact with her friends or family? Maybe they could explain?

Where are you living now? Cultural differences matter and typically extend past dating. Have you discussed this?

Maybe, surely i would have seen the signs, i mean, we was on the phone daily, morning and night, and when she wasnt at work she was at home, plus her ex cheated on her multiple times so she knows what its like to be on the recieving end.. As for a rebound, that could be a possibility, i was a year later and she told me she hadnt loved him for a long time due to his abuse and control. It could be many things tbh, im sick of thinking and hurting, she was very effectionate on holiday btw, which was on 3 weeks prior to her doing this, and i booked another for us, so ive no clue, im still on another planet at the minute, and ive still not heard from her

i am from Eastern Europe (traditional household) and he is from West Germany. For example: he was very motivated from the beginning to cook at my place, and i had to tell him that i don't invite men to my place and take things slowly. I also don't really kiss on the 1st date etc. On our 5th date, before matching with Hannah, there was a misunderstanding about who should pay. He told me that he doesnt want to pay for every date "just in order to see me" and this phrase put me off. I told him that we don't really have to go on dates at all then and did not talk much to him for a couple of days. We talked about it later, he apologised and explained that he always dated only 50/50, but he respects my culture and wants to try it differently this time. "Feelings" for Hannah happened exactly during that period

I really feel for you to be honest and not wanting to hijack your post but im in a very simular situation and im guess your from york which i am too, sounds freaky that does. You have invested in someone who wasnt ready for that investment and basically in my view was a rebound. As a couple you dont go days without talking she is torn between you and someone else. And she is struggling by sounds of it.

What are the cultural differences? This could well be a compelling reason for him to want to date Hannah. ETA: At 29, after dating for 2 years, it seems to me you should both know whether you are life partners or not.

I can understand why. I think you know deep-down that he was indeed hoping to date this Hannah woman. Despite how he tries to spin this to make himself look better and to avoid hurting you further, it's evident that the truth actually is. The question is, do you feel you can continue the relationship knowing this?

generally saying, when i met him 2 years ago he was indeed immature and insecure, used to always ask his mother for advice even when dating girls and telling her everything (at 27!). that is how i know that he was very happy when we got together and could not believe his luck. I also know that he was intimidated by me in the beginning because we come from pretty different cultures (Hannah comes from his culture by the way). Lucklily he improved himself and does not involve his mother anymore, fully separated himself. Unfortunately in the beginning i knew nothing about it, he showed me only his best side.

of course i was too, and things are not good between us now. other than that we have a solid relationship and he never looked at or chatted with some other girl. Actually he blocked all the other girls after we started our relationship (i did not ask it).

what was it in your opinion? i know for sure that they did not talk much, he only saw some photos of her, exchanged a couple of messages and got very excited. that also doesnt sound like a serious interest if he did not even know a person. You are right, i also thought that there was no real romance. i should admit that i was reserved as well. after our first kiss the directly proposed to meet again in a couple of days, said that he "freed the schedule for us" and would like to spend a weekend with me, cooking together etc. I declined it because it felt like a bit too much. However I agreed to meet for coffee and then we had a small conflict/misunderstanding on cultural basis and i was more reserved that usual to him. That is when he matched with Hannah on Tinder. They only chatted for a bit online and he already got excited. The day he wrote excited messages about her to his mother (in the morning) is also the day where he was for the first time really passionate with me (we had a date in the evening) and brought me flowers - this also does not add up. Hannah was not really interested and he did not "pursue" her for 2 weeks or so. At that time we got pretty close and he wanted to see me every other day. He says he understood pretty fast that it was a shallow story, within the first conversations, but it was also a time when he was listeting to coaches, and all of them ususally say that you should date multiple people at the same time, that is why she kept that contact and reached out once again later. I am very confused

I would be insulted that he thinks you're naive enough to believe this. He's full of equine manure, girl.

He's 29, not a kid. My take is that he is too old for this sort of "projection," assuming you buy that's what it was (and I do not). Based on your OP, he had 4 dates with you which included one "reserved" kiss, and then he decided to pursue a Tinder match. This reads to me that he did not feel a strong romantic/sexual pull toward you after your kiss. He then spent a few weeks trying to arrange a date with Hannah but she was not interested enough to make a plan. At the end of July, he told you he was no longer seeing anyone else and by early August he suggested that you two become exclusive. Yet within a week or two he reached out to Hannah again, in hopes of seeing her. So when did he come to the realisation that Hannah was shallow exactly? What do you suppose would have been the outcome had Hannah agreed to meet him in August? I know you want to believe him but his actions simply do not add up imo.

he said that it was only a projection, he did not even know the person. he liked her optically at first but that's it, they never had any kind of a deep conversation. he wanted to meet her personally because he is not much of a texter and prefers to meet people in real life. he says he understood pretty fast that she was quite shallow and there were no prospects, he stayed in contact with her in order to not overinvest in me and because he generally wanted to live his single life. he knew i was something serious and special but was not ready for that at first. and wanted to keep some options until he was completely sure (which he then was). he admits it was very foolish on his side

How does he (or you) reconcile the statement above with the ones below? This doesn't sound promising to me.

I agreed for hugs.

What was your answer?

You clearly don't really believe that, though. And frankly, neither would I.

One truth that cannot be hidden is that we both have secrets, that, ideally, would not be secrets and which each would've shared and/or revealed when asked. I get that. I am not saying mine is ok and hers isn't. I also agree there is some defensiveness and rationalization on my part here. But most of the defensiveness is actually to straighten out facts, clariifcations. All have said/admitted here that the story is hard to follow, having been offered in 2 different threads, and piecemeal. I've explained why everything wasn't said at once in one place - you can take that or leave it. I also think a few of you have the 50,000 foot picture and that's all you think you need to say what you want to say. No one is really in the weeds and knows the whole story, whether all offered here, or nuances that I still haven't offered. But regardless, yes, big picture, I think we're all on, or close to, the same page. Here's the last - yeah, sure - distinction. We - my W and I - can talk about her As because they are not M-breakers in my mind. The As are not at all - for the reason Geb indicates. It is a kink and "turn-on" to me. I brought it up, offered it, encouraged it, etc. But in the hotwife/cuckold lifestyle, that is a shared, open, known activity. It is actually a part of the couple's sexual relationship. It is for both persons. So, the real and lasting issue here is her deceit. Hiding it when it happened and lying about it when asked. But again, that can all be discussed now without ending our M. I would immediately forgive her - be hurt, but forgive - and it'd then be out in the open, and we'd move on and hopefully live happily ever after. My 12 year on/off again contact and relationship - and eventual "full-blown" A, and continued thoughts and feelings (not an "obsession," sorry Geb) is a guaranteed M-ender. So unless I want to pursue ex-AP (no intention), or end our M (I don't), there is no reason I would reveal the past recontact and subsequent 2nd and 3rd iterations of EA/As to my W. OK, again, in a perfect world, yup, no secrets, full open and honest communication, but... (a) it ain't a perfect world, (b) at what cost, and (c) who doesn't have some secrets? So this boils down to more of a, "does one confess an A to a marriage partner" which is old, done, retired, in the past (spare me the thoughts and memories lecture again), when to do so will - not maybe, possible, or likely, but WILL, end a 40+ year marriage? No. And I think that's the most common answer here and "by the experts." On the other hand, an honest yes, an honest response, not lying, is not too much to ask of my W if asked once again about her dalliances outside the M? Hell, again, they were "sanctioned," or encouraged by her H. So, WTH? There ARE different situations.

we talked about it a couple of times and he says i was always his Nr. 1, Hannah was just a "test" for him to understand his own feelings. And that he would not start a relationship with me if he was not sure that i am the One...

Yes, I have to agree. I'm sorry, OP.

Honestly, from someone who's been on the receiving end of a lot of app messages, the coffee idea is genuinely good. It's low pressure and it shows you actually want to meet them, not just chat forever in the app. A lot of people appreciate that directness. The hardest part is just starting, and I think the best openers are ones that reference something specific from their profile rather than a generic "hey." Even one small detail shows you actually looked. Then, if the conversation feels natural after a few messages, just ask. Something like "I'd love to grab a coffee sometime if you're up for it" is pretty hard to overthink. You've got this!

He isn't interested in a second date. Keep it moving forward. Edited to add: You didn't ask if anyone has any ideas why he isn't interested but if you are looking for guesses, there's primarily one- and only one main reason why a person isn't interested in a first date and to most experienced dates it's no surprise. Well it is a surprise, that's the whole point.

I'm not disagreeing with you.

That you like the architectural history, and that their country is interesting is not a reason to date someone

You're only telling her as revenge. If I were in her shoes, I'd give the ex-OW a thorough dressing down right there on the doorstep