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Obviously you can’t work it out. I think living together at this point is a bad thing for you. Please try to be physically separated from her as soon as possible, so that you’ll be able to start healing. As for her not being the woman you loved, well, in retrospect I don’t think you ever knew her. Perhaps you idealized her too much. At the very least, when she started going down the pornographic road you should have realized that whatever you thought she was had little to do with reality. As a side note, there is a huge difference between having a fantasy and acting upon it. There are men who have cuckold fantasies, that doesn’t mean that they actually want to see their wives sleeping with other men. There are women who have rape fantasies, that doesn’t mean that they want to be raped. Just to be clear, I don’t think that what your wife has been doing is unethical. But she certainly has no right to expect you to accept it.

It's not about a fad for her. She wants to be able to have sex with other men but not lose the comfort and security of her home life. It's well past time to end the marriage. I am sorry it's turned out this way but I think it's been doomed since she started doing sex scenes with her "co-stars."

So we've reached a point where it's impossible to continue. We spent the whole weekend being open and honest with each other and it didn't go as I hoped. Paraphrasing, she conceded a little that it is a porn scene within a move, but it's not a porno. She likes it. She wants to keep doing it. It's thrilling to try these new things. I asked her what about me. She was pretty blunt, she loves me and wants to be with me but she's not stopping. I asked her how far she would take things and she floored me when she said that it's her fantasy to have sex with another man but then come home to me. I told her I would hate that and she said she knew that but that only makes it more exciting. She's lost it. Somethings snapped in her brain. We were so in love. It's like this stupid hotwifing fad that seems to be popular right now has embedded itself in her, but she's doing it on film. I gave her a lot of leeway, in hindsight way too much, but I just can't do it anymore. We have officially split. We will continue to live together for the time being out of necessity which isn't ideal. I don't know where to from here. She seems to think we can work things out which only reinforces to me that she's not listening to a thing I say. This isn't the woman I fell in love with which is so sad.

He isn't going to. Not for the same reasons you're feeling the pain, anyway. He's set up his life so he can have his cake and eat it, too. So when one element of that is no longer available, he still has his regular life to fall back on. He, on the other hand, seems to be the only cake you had. It was always going to hurt you a lot more than him when this finally fell apart. It's often how affairs end. It's the nature of being involved with someone who was never yours to begin with. It won't make sense to you or most people, but in his warped mind, it is likely exactly how he perceives you now. Remember this is a person who is careless with other people's feelings, lacks a conscience, and has been enormously selfish for a long time. The way he sees this is never going to make sense to you, because you aren't wired the same way. So in his mind? Yes, you likely betrayed him by telling his wife. Is that ridiculuous? Of course. But he is a ridiculuous person, clearly.

I don't think this would have changed anything in this case. It was already pretty clear that she'd decided she was going to stay home, first because she wasn't feeling well and then because it had been raining. This one was out of your hands.

Your mistake is calling such connections “great starts”. It wasn’t a great start, because it wasn’t a start at all. It was just a nice date with some sparks that you heavily overanalyzed and for some reason expected to turn into something serious. You understand it yourself: The only mistake here is that I wouldn’t even call this “beginning stages”. For something to be a beginning, it needs to have a continuation. Since it is always unknown in such cases whether there will be a continuation or not, why think of it as a beginning? Think of it as a nice little romantic event without any expectations or any strings attached. On the contrary, it’s your overly serious approach to this, your disproportionate efforts, and your constant overthinking that makes this kind of connection more likely to dwindle and die. Let’s put it this way. Probably 85% or so of such flirty dates end up without developing into relationships. Your high expectations and overanalyzing further increase that possibility to 95%. So the very first thing you need to do is stop putting pressure on yourself, because the other person will feel this pressure and react accordingly. Enter every date and have every kiss without any expectations. And let it flow naturally, be yourself. If it doesn’t work, remember that it’s because most such things don’t work. But at least your chances will be higher if you relax.

Of course you do, you hope that he really did love you and that he'll miss you so much that he'll come to his senses and end his sham marriage to live happily ever after with you, and if he doesn't you hope that he gets hit by a bus. Anger, disbelief, and shock are fairly normal responses to finding out someone you held in high esteem is actually a dirt-bag, as is a feeling of ambiguity, where part of you wants them to come back and the other part of you would enjoy being the driver of that bus that hits them.

I could tell you that life is not fair, that people suffer without fault all the time, and it would be true. However, if we talk about fairness, you were a participant in prolonged acts of deception, complicit in his betrayal. To begin with, you’d made an incredibly poor choice of getting together with person who was with someone else. And you stuck to that terrible decision for many years. I’m sorry, but the fact you’re suffering now is a direct logical consequence of your actions. Also, you don’t really know whether he is suffering or not. In fact, you can be certain that sooner or later his conscience will begin gnawing at his soul, and his lies will haunt him. Or look at it this way: he chose to stay with a woman whom he neither loves nor respects, and who doesn’t respect herself. He can’t possibly be happy. I’m not saying he’d be happy with you or you’d be happy with him, but the affair has surely taken a grave toll on their relationship. I don’t think it can be rebuilt. You, on the other hand, got out of it relatively unscathed. You are single and can now calmly reflect on what caused you to pursue someone like him, and make sure that you don’t pursue unavailable men in the future.

I get that - you are processing. I would just say, life is not fair. Nowhere does it say that the married man will suffer the consequence of their decisions… There are many men who are discovered by their wives, blame the other woman, promise to be faithful forever, and life goes on… It just happens - more often than you would like to believe. Unfortunately, it’s usually the other woman who is left bereft and broken hearted… That’s what tends to happen when one invests in a relationship with an otherwise committed affair partner.

I think this is the whole problem. He was fine with me being frustrated by the whole situation. He was fine until I did something about it. Now I’m the enemy. I guess where I am struggling is that it went from all day, every day to instant no contact. 12 years of passion to instant radio silence. I really do think he hates me and it really does hurt because I invested so much time and love. It was real for me. So you know, I did block him so I can heal. I just truly want him to feel the same pain I do.

Refer to my previous post about him having no conscience. No, it’s not fair, his wife probably thinks it’s not fair too.

Forgive me, as I am not taking it out on you, I am just working through a ton of emotions and I have sort of isolated myself. I just want to know why he gets to walk away consequence free. Why he just dropped this life and picked up the other. Why I am in pain and heartbreak and yet he is not affected at all. It’s just not fair. I am suffering and he literally moved on like I was nothing.

The better question to ask is why did you choose believe a man who you knew to be a liar and a cheat?

As his affair partner you were complicit in the lie and the cuckolding of his wife, so in his eyes you’re a traitor. You’ve taken the fun out of it for him by, 1. Halting the secrecy, and 2. Standing up for yourself. You’re no longer compliant, you suddenly stopped letting him control the narrative, and the relationship was bound to end the moment you did that. One day you’ll be glad you did this, just not at the moment while you’re in pain. You can start to recover by acknowledging that he’s not worthy of either your love or his wife’s, he’s a lying, cheating, self-centred, manipulative low-life. He’s very likely to seek out a new affair partner to manipulate, that’s how people of his calibre operate. They have no conscience.

It doesn’t make sense, and that is the thing with affairs… Affairs are often built or based on a lie - most men tend to come up with some version of the same general story… that he is unhappy on his marriage, that she doesn’t care, that he is planning to leave… That’s usually what encourages a woman who would have otherwise not taken the risk to believe that there is a possibility here… that she should invest. And the women who sign up for this situation are generally expected by their male affair partners to keep their secret unless/until they are able to disclose the truth to their partner and/or leave the relationship. Is it a double standard? Absolutely. But, it’s still the expectation of the committed affair partners - they are in the position of control, they hold all the cards, and they generally don’t appreciate it when either women plays an unexpected hand.

Hi all, So its not been a very fortunate year for me dating wise, but recently things seemed to have taken a bit of a turn for the better and flowing a bit more, in my personal and my romantic life. I made a couple of connections which turned out to be casual but I went out a bit, made more connections and overall things starting feeling a lot looser and easier. Then (Im not sure why but these things tend to happen at once) a girl Id met ages ago at an event replied to my Instagram story and asked "why we'd never met up for a drink". I remember at the time I was talking to a couple of girls there, both interactions were flirty and while I texted the other girl and nothing really came of it, when I looked up this girls Instagram I saw a few pictures of her and some guy and decided she was probably taken and just seemed flirty for the sake of a flirt, and never ended up messaging. Fast forward a few more days and we met up for a drink. She was very flirty again and it became clear there wasn't a boyfriend in the picture. It turned out she thought I was probably seeing the other girl and had wondered why I'd never messaged her. We ended up kissing and it was overall a good night. Since then there was a lot of back and forth texting, she was really engaged and it seemed to be going well. We arranged to meet up this weekend and when it came to the day, she said it was that time of the month and she wasn't feeling well, I said that was totally fine and she asked if we could meet up today (Sunday), but we had a vague time of 4-5. I texted her in the afternoon (I know in hindsight too late) asking her if she was feeling better today. She said "a little but its raining outside and Im really comfortable in my house", or something to that effect. It was raining a little but honestly not a lot, and as it cleared up I went for a walk and sent a picture of the clear sky, planning to follow up asking if she was still on and where we could meet etc. She didnt respond for maybe another 5 hours, way after we were meant to meet, and basically just sent me a sticker of a cat meme. No mention that we were meant to meet up or any acknowledgement of anything. Now for my part I could have definitely been firmer with the plans, or just left it for next week, but I did actually want to see her today. But I'm disappointed after a good start it just devolved into flakiness so quickly, and went from initially quite promising to kind of dead in the water so quickly. It just seems to be a pattern for me, especially this year. Great start turns into inconsistent communication, flakiness and then poof the connection is dead all of a sudden. I get its just part of dating but it makes me cynical and totally overanalyse the beginning stages because it feels like I have to be perfect at the beginning stages of getting to know someone, or it all gets off track all of a sudden. It's exhausting, and I recognise that being cynical or too stiff is something that kills momentum it itself.

I understand what you are saying. I just really long for companionship but I feel like dating is just not for me. I think I am what you call a demisexual. Several times throughout my life I had developed romantic feelings for various male friends I had, but it typically didn’t go anywhere since they only saw me as friends. When I try dating apps, things just never work out. I was on Hinge for a year, and I only had two productive conversations that led to a guy asking me out. The first guy was nice and I wouldn’t mind having him around as a friend but he had autism and seemingly lacked the social awareness to understand boundaries, so he thought we were an official couple after one trip to Starbucks, and was quite frankly kind of annoying (no offense to people on the spectrum). I took it as a major red flag when it got dejected to the point where he almost started crying when he found out I hadn’t told my parents about him, like three or four days after our first date. The other guy was married (although in an open marriage, supposedly) and completely bed ridden due to a car accident. I’m very sorry he was in an accident but I thought it was too big of a disability for me to work with. I was also kind of worried that he was just looking for a sucker to take care of him (he was living with his dad since the accident, while his wife and kids lived at their home). I just could not bring myself to say yes to his offer of dinner and a movie at his place. Again I understand that if you are on a dating app you are going to run into some stinkers. But again I was on there for a year, not just a month or two, a year. And in that year I only appealed to two guys who both had some very serious problems. And I was on the app everyday, messaging multiple people a day, so it’s not like I didn’t put in any effort. It’s not just like they weren’t my type or I don’t see it going anywhere, they had serious issues to them. I took that as a sign from the universe that until I can figure out what I’m doing wrong I shouldn’t try dating.

It’s ok that he’s lied to me constantly about her and their relationship status, but I’m not trustworthy now? Make it make sense.

Perhaps, now, you can relate to what women are feeling when some random guy askes them to come to his place at nighttime. What you are describing is not unusual. What is unusual is that genders are reversed here and that women are usually are not that bold and not that straightforward. Some men thing that a woman is going to drop everything at the moment and come (and drive for a long time) to his place to sex him up without getting anything in return, lol. Years ago one guy on a dating site, whom I never met before, asked me to come to his place late at evening. I decided to play and sked what he is going to bring to the table. Is he at least going to cook me a dinner. His response was that he was going to clean his house. So, he expected me to come to his dirty house, lol. Oh, fun times. I am so very glad that I have a boyfriend and that I don't have to deal with this anymore.

Yes. You took a risk and it did not work out in your favour. As it turns out, she is not naive to his infidelity and she has proven that it is not a dealbreaker for her. Still, I would not expect him to come back. He’s told you that he is done - you’ve crossed a line, this is a betrayal, he can no longer trust you, and he likely doesn’t want this drama. I wish you well as you begin to let go and move forward from this relationship…

He kept saying they were separating. I needed his actions to match his words. I contacted her because he had a car accident and when I asked if she was at the hospital, he told me no, so I drove up there to confirm. Of course she was there. I was tired of the lying. despite it all, as I’m sure many on here say, I am so in love with him and feel like I broke all trust by telling her. I just needed the insane rollercoaster ride to stop. crazy part is I don’t think his wife cares. I am miserable and they are continuing life as normal. I’m sure he told her it wasn’t true, she is believing it and they get no effects, while I am dying on the inside.

Wow, you must be in a state of shock, faced with the realisation that you’ve been strung along for years. Did you believe that if you forced him to make a choice he’d choose you? What led up to you getting so angry that you decided to contact his wife?

After many years of the affair going on, after years of trying to convince him to make a decision, I got incredibly mad one day and told his wife about us. She said she’s known for years. She doesn’t seem to care and I am left picking up the broken pieces of my heart. He said he’s officially done with me and I am devastated. I love him with all my heart, but did I just lose him? Will he ever reach back out? What have I done?!?!

I think you handled it well...you were straight forward and communicated what you thought. Why play stupid games right?

My Story and Current Dilemma My elderly father, who had lost his wife six years earlier, suffered a serious fall while living alone. With his mobility challenges, he was prone to falling, and my habit of daily check-in calls prevented a much worse outcome. The fall left him with a severe head injury, which made his life with terminal cancer even more difficult. In a short period of time, I sold my house, made arrangements with my retail job, and moved back home. He needed constant support during recovery, and I couldn’t allow him to live alone when it was clearly unsafe. After about a year, my focus shifted entirely to caring for him. Cooking, cleaning, companionship, and countless doctor’s appointments became my full-time job. In return, I had room and board, but with little income I accumulated significant debt. A few years later, he passed peacefully at home—his favorite big band music playing, with me by his side. I continued to live frugally in the family home while seeking employment. Unfortunately, the economy was struggling, and my qualifications didn’t fit available jobs. Debt and household expenses kept growing. During this time, my older sister and her husband were struggling with substance abuse. Eventually, through faith and determination, they turned their lives around, but only after losing their home and savings. They moved in with his parents, which was cramped and restrictive, and understandably wanted a change. Our father’s assets, including the family home, were divided equally between us. At first, it seemed fair: they moved in, and I welcomed them. I cooked most meals and tried to contribute while getting back on my feet. Later, I found good employment, but with less time to devote to household duties, conflicts began. Between COVID and my own disabilities, that job only lasted two years. I retired when I became physically unable to continue, and the pandemic drained all joy from the work. Since then, my sister and her husband have used their financial advantage to dominate the household. Their clutter occupies more than 75% of the home, leaving me squeezed into small spaces. They constantly pressure me to sell my half of the property and leave. With my debt and small SSI retirement check, selling is not an option. My best bet is to remain here. My sister believes she can deduct her contributions to household expenses from my share of the home’s equity. She is mistaken—there was never any agreement to that effect. The property will not be sold. My Current Dilemma I am now disabled by several autoimmune disorders that severely limit my mobility. I am still somewhat ambulatory, but at constant risk of falling. Bathing facilities in the home are inadequate: - The bathtub is impossible due to the step-over and the need to rise from floor level. - The walk-in shower has no grab rails, making showering terrifying. As a result, I seldom bathe, which is beginning to cause health problems. Medicaid/Medicare have been helpful, and I may soon have grab bars installed. But what I truly need is a walk-in tub to address skin and joint issues. Unfortunately, Medicaid/Medicare classify this as a capital improvement, not durable medical equipment, so it must be paid out of pocket. The only way I could afford it is by tapping into my home equity. My sister refuses to allow it. I fear their intent is to make the home environment so uncomfortable and unsafe for me that I will eventually leave. The one advantage I hold is that they want to add a Florida room to the house. To do so, they would need a home equity loan, which requires my cooperation. I would only agree if they also supported installing a walk-in tub. I share this here because I feel trapped between my health needs and family conflict. Any perspective or advice from those who have faced similar family property disputes or household power struggles would be greatly appreciated.