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You have very little self-rrespect, which is not attractive to men. He sees that he can treat you like an option and you'll not only serve that up to him, but also go chasing right after it. Notice that the woman he wants more doesn't take his crap the way you do?

I tried not to be… for a while told him I would not be alone w him until he was formerly (on paper) separated… assumed he wouldn’t want to start dating me anyhow at time bc I was pregnant and separating myself, but he did. It seemed nothing could stop us getting together. His other GF was also married when they met, also wanted him to get divorced but kept going along w him (even moving in w him) for quite a while… and he tells me he loved her, but me he never lived with and says we’ll never be in a relationship?!

Because you’re letting yourself be the side piece girl. Your worth greatly depends on your self-worth.

Jeebus, it didn't even occur to me that it could be an unpaid hobby! Agreed completely. If anyone feels like they need to spend 9 hours a week on a hobby (and not just an hour here and there after the kids go to bed either, but an entire weekend day!), they better decide real soon which is more important to them - having a family or having that hobby. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too, while the wife has to look after the kids the whole time. Being married without kids... maybe. Only if you explicitly clear this with the partner before getting married, though. Might work if the wife also has a hobby of her own that she wants to spend 9 hours a week on.

Love Science Today is a modern relationships podcast that blends psychology, sociology, philosophy, biology, attachment theory and family studies into real conversations that matter. Each episode explores the deeper forces behind attraction, heartbreak, emotional safety, healthy boundaries, conflict and intimacy in the digital age. We look at why people fall for who they fall for, how social media shapes dating behaviour, why situationships feel comfortable but empty, and what healthy love actually requires in a world full of options and emotional confusion. Guided by research, cultural observation and lived human experience, this podcast examines love not just as emotion but as behaviour, meaning and structure. If you want to grow wiser in how you date, how you love and how you choose partners, you are in the right place. Listen / Subscribe to Love Science Today on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Audible and Youtube Podcast Love is not luck. Love is a science. Welcome to Love Science Today.

You all gave good advice. Maybe what I should be focusing on instead is why I’m only worthy of being the side piece girl. He has a wife he isn’t leaving, and simultaneously had a girlfriend in his new city he was living with until I guess she got sick of his cheating and him not actually leaving his wife. He’ll tell me he loves both of them, and loved his other affair partner, but not me? Why might it be that I’m unlovable and not worthy? He’s said our sex is the best and I’ve always been so enthusiastic about spending time with him for 7 years and will get jealous over him and tell him I love him

Do men usually find you very attractive?

Just stop....you have known him long enough....he's too undecided and you ain't got time for this nonsense. Boot him to the curb for Christ sakes. He's already used up enough of your time and youth.

Just because they check off all the boxes doesn't mean there will be any chemistry. Maybe a good friend. Being "picky"? It only takes one time for the right one to come along....you will get there.

Hug her and tell her everything will be alright.

What stood out to me is that, at 49 you found her attractive enough......

I have had a few try and contact me after several years, ex flings, ex bfs...not once did I ever question it...I simply deleted the message and forgot about it. What is making you hang onto this?

He didn't push it because he was respecting you from your lack of response. To him your silence was taken as "please leave me alone." No one likes to play games. Off and on relationships...that's called issues with the relationship that were too broken to fix. You emotionally beefing about it 15 months later is telling. You need to let go of this hurt, and your past, ..... go forward with your life huh. Live your best life.

Sorry you lost this girl and you’re going through this, kudos to you for having the guts to go through therapy. Has your therapist raised the issue of your repressed rage towards your mother and how that anger dictated the way you treated this girl you love? Is your mother a part of your adult life?

I found this place and it says anonymous. There are very few places I can actually go to be talked to like a real human being. The reason for that is I am what society generally agrees is beyond redemption, and good only for disappearing. I am the "possessive/abusive boyfriend." To be clear, she is safe and dating someone else now for a few months. Also, I was never physically abusive. Well, there were times I grabbed her kinda tight to get her attention, and looking back I guess that can be considered physical abuse, but that wasn't my intent. I never hit her. I am seeing a therapist now, and trying to get better. I understand some things now, and please don't think this is me trying to get pity, it's just what the therapist says, apparently my mom leaving when I was 7 caused me severe abandonment issues. I didn't notice that really, apart from being as sad as one should when mom leaves. Anyway, I was always wanting to be the center of attention, always the loudest one in the room, always ready to fight, and started training in jiu-jitsu when I was 13. So I was probably the guy normal people hate, but I always had plenty of friends. Some say my issues caused me to behave a certain way, but I had plenty of girlfriends, and while I didn't always treat them great, I wasn't super sad when they left. That confuses me. If it's just psychological, why didn't it bother me when they left, for good I mean? Then I met "her." At a park, trying to help a hurt bird. I ended up taking off my jacket and wrapping the little bird in it, which is how we met and began to talk. We started dating the week before the bird was better and we let it go. I was a little nervous about letting the bird (she named her Mira) go. Her words play in my head now always. That day she said, "let her fly." We fell for each other super fast. We hit it off and it felt like a movie. Complete with her rubbing pasta sauce on my face the first time she made me her family meal. I had never felt that. She was perfect. Her smile, her laugh, the way she told stories, the look she would give if she thought I wasn't paying attention, or if I was acting silly. She is the sweetest, nicest person in the world. Since, this is anonymous, I can admit to crying over my mom in her arms. I miss how I would lay my head in her lap, or how she would rest her feet on my thighs while she browsed insta. I would trace her ankle with my fingers and just stare at her beautiful face. We made all these future plans. She was the one. Of course, the therapist says that is unhealthy to say, it's just how I felt. That she was "the one." She was way too good for me. She loved me and forgave me so many times. It started small at first, I would text her often, asking where she was. Then I would ask for pics to know where she was. It wasn't that I didn't trust her, I just felt worried. The first major fight was when I showed up to her friends birthday party. I heard there were male strippers there. I waited at home, going crazy. Please understand that therapists say it isn't really rage or anger, but abandonment panic attacks. I would start to shake and feel hot like I was burning. I had to have her with me. I went and dragged her away. That night I called her a slut for the first time. But she wasn't unfaithful, she was a great and loyal. She forgave me and I cried like a baby. I clocked into work late the next morning knowing I had called her ugly names. I sat in the truck for an hour and cried. I just couldn't stop. That's not an excuse, I could have done hard work and gotten better, but I didn't. Please believe me when I say I'm not trying to get sympathy. I can only say what I feel and what therapists say. She later said that I suffocated her. That she had to walk on eggshells, and feel guilty about laughing at another guy's joke, or forgetting to answer a text right away. Out of all the songs that could have been "our song," it ended up being "Glycerine" by Bush. It played on the first trip we took together. She said "yes!" and turned it up. I was like "you like Bush?!? Could you be any more perfect?" Now it's like I never knew it but the lyrics to that song have 2 meanings. One for when we were together, and one since I lost her. She later said the first time she went out with her friends after the break up, she cried later from relief, when she realized there weren't a thousand texts saying "where are you" or "get home." That cuts like a knife. Again, I know I'm the bad guy here. The a**h***. That's not up for debate. Sometimes I just wanna scream "do my feelings matter??" People seem to think my love for her was never real. Or that is wasn't healthy, which I admit, and the best thing for everybody is for me to forget her. I just don't wanna forget her. I don't wanna date again, and I want to keep those memories. My friends helped me scrub my apartment and phone of all the pictures and reminders of her. Then, just the other day I find a pic that I forgot about. I saved it in my notes, because I was gonna make a collage, but I ended up forgetting about it. I don't wanna delete that pic. I took it the day she first moved in. Just her smiling in front of a window. I wanna keep that pic, I want to keep that happy memory always. The therapist says that can be okay as long as I do certain things and don't pull it up to stare at it and start thinking about us together again. So yeah, I know I'm the jerk. The stereotype that society agrees is no good and likely irredeemable. I know everyone else can't be wrong while I alone am right. It's so hard not to reach out one more time. Like, I know if she could see I really am (somewhat) better and trying to get better everyday, that she would try again. But, I know that's wrong and that she doesn't owe me anything. It just feels like we stayed together and grew old, but somehow I came back through time to a timeline where I lose her. I guess my whole point here is just, was it never real? Was it meaningless? Am I supposed to stop loving her?

Dude, I'm sorry, but given your work hours (and thus unavailability during the week), the whole Sunday golf time from 8 to 5. Nope, I would be enraged if I were in her situation. A few matters. You try to plan a night out just the two of you one day a month. And then you manage golf 8 to 5 one day a week. Let me guess: I bet if you add up the average amount of time you are out on a date night, it still doesn't match the 9 hours you are away for golf--once a week! And let's get technical. Is 8 to 5 the time you are away or the time the golfing itself takes? You might be away for more than 9 hours on a Sunday. Dude, you are flirting with rage here. You might have to stop the golf coaching until your kids are older (and take less time) or until you get a job with fewer hours. At most, your golf coaching you needs to be from 8 to 11 or 12 noon. That’s at best–being really generous to you. Dude, married people with kids can NOT hang out with hobbies like single people. Period!

Great guidance so far. And I agree that you guys are not compatible. Just as an aside, the lack of French kissing would bother me far more than lack of oral sex.

Well I like to assume the best when I meet people, I wouldn't automatically assume someone was lying about their age if they otherwise seemed like a decent honest person. Id be pretty shocked and disappointed if they were. And I think it would only be obvious if she's someone who clearly looks over 40. My guess is that since she was comfortable lying about it in the first place she doesnt and likes to dine out on that fact. I have friends in their late 30s/40s and 50s and they dont act radically different. I dont have my age online apart from a few mentions Ive made on this anonymous forum etc, a lot of people don't. Again it seems like you're think because it wouldn't personally bother you or you might actually get a kick out of it it shouldn't bother anyone else.

Welcome to the world of dating apps in the 2020's. People not being completely honest with each other is pretty much the norm anymore. It's why meeting people through friends.....coworkers.......real life acquaintances is a better option for many these days. When people view you as part of their real every day life they will be more prone to be honest with you.

Yeah, I agree with this. At the very least, something is not quite right with a person who sees something like that in a profile and instead of just swiping "no", tries to lie to them instead.

I've broken up with women because they don't want to blow me. It's a dealbreaker.

You can't change the past but you can learn from it so as to not repeat the same mistakes.

What a silly comment. You can respond any way you want but you're out of line suggesting how others post on this forum. I see you're still justifying your opinion that there's nothing wrong with a person lying about their age by 10 years for 3 months. Suffice it to say that most will disagree with this. The problem here is not with the Op who is clearly the victim of an extremely dishonest individual.

That's not generally how real life works. You played a game here, and took a risk. It didn't work out, and it sounds like that's for the best because you both needed to move on from each other.

One thing to keep in mind though is that it's very possible (if not likely) that she didn't know about his rigid age restrictions and that he would reject her as soon as he found out that she was older than she originally claimed. Most people just vaguely look over profiles and mainly focus on the pictures. And after they take things off the site people often completely forget about what their dates put on their profile. Unless he told her that he doesn't date anyone over 45 there is a very real possibility she didn't know what his reaction would be to her telling him the truth. A lot of people wouldn't consider it to be that big of a deal after they have actually gotten to know the person a little bit.