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Yeah, this. I'm all for discussing expectations in advance, but even I think it's a bit jarring to respond to an invitation with "are we going to have sex?"... She probably did think she would want it, but now she doesn't.

I’m 26F and my partner is 30M I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and engaged for 1. This past year has been strange. For so many years I was hounding him for a wedding ring, wanted nothing more than to get married to him, and begin the rest of our lives together. After I got the ring, I don’t know why but this year has not been the exciting ‘I just got engaged year.’ I’ve found myself for one, really hating my job and spending most of the time of sick leave whilst I find something I enjoy. Me and my partner have had ups and downs over the years, his main downs were when he’d go out sometimes he’d overdo it and start verbally abusing me really badly at home and on an occasion in front of everyone at a festival. My main downfall is maybe after year 3, I stopped initiating sex, and stopped being so into it altogether. I don’t know I feel like after the moments he had drunk and shouting at me, my connection with him dimmed, however I loved him, he worked on his drinking and he’s doing so much better and we’ve moved forward… except sex is still not something I want at all. In fact I just wait and want it to be over. I feel like there’s no attraction, no connection. I spend 99.9% off my time, annoyed he hasn’t been proactive in doing things like helping me do laundry, cooking, cleaning. I’ll get up in the morning after he’s been up for hours, the dishes will all still be left in the sink and he’ll look straight at me and go ‘what’s for breakfast’ He doesn’t have his licence which we agreed would be the next priority for us, and he’s made 0 effort and I know once I get mine his need to get one will go out the window and I’ll be the one driving us everywhere. I think also the reality that I can’t afford the wedding I always imagined having growing up has definitely dimmed my light, because he’s older than me I know he wants kids soon and to buy a house, which also having a wedding, nothing major at all just a standard one with close friends, is not financially realistic. I feel so guilty for having this feeling of the relationship is not for me, because he is a kind guy and there are moments I’ll look at him and think I don’t want anyone else in the world, and my thoughts of breaking off are crazy but more often I think this cannot be all there is to life. I’m going to have kids and spend my life looking after him and them. All I want to do is find my passion, travel and a partner that wants to grow. There’s other things too like, I’ll want to go for a walk together to get out the home, he hates walks. I’ll want to go to the gym with him alternatively, he spends time at the gym with his friends IF he goes and won’t spend time showing me how to do anything. He calls me moody everyday and yes I am. I am moody because this is not the life I want to live but I can’t help the feeling that I’m the bad guy. I should’ve said something sooner and not wasted his time. My sister has said ‘this happens in relationships all the time, they fizzle out, it will happen with someone else, you have to just work at it and try something new.’ I used to be so happy to do things for him and not expect anything in return but now, it’s draining and I don’t feel like settling for what I’m unhappy for. I also quite selfishly, feel like if I broke up with him, I could move back home with my parents, spend a couple years saving to buy a house, saving to have the wedding I want when it comes, travel and focus back on my education, but I fear cutting ties with him and regretting it completely in a few years when I am ready for the commitment but the partner isn’t there… pls send help.

When he came back and want to try dating again I just thought maybe he wasn’t sure about his initial decision. I thought maybe he did feel something towards me or else why come back. I was just holding on to hope that it work out because I do like him. People can be unsure and make rash decisions. I thought maybe he regret rushing to the decision and wanted to try again.

Good for you and totally umderstandable, so why doubt yourself if you manage to filter out a guy who just wants to get laid? You stood your ground and that was smart. He may still follow up with you, but I don't quite get why you are worried about not showing enough interest if the man in question isn't showing interest either (beyond sex)

Probably so. I've gone over to women's places before without meeting them properly in person beforehand so it's not that that I'm not comfortable with. In those situations we would plan it a day or two in advance so you would have time to get ready and that's fine. If I am going to be making out of the blue 10 o'clock at night house calls though to women I have yet to meet I need to start charging for my time. Because that is essentially what that would be is a gigolo situation.

I think that is what she wanted, but then she backtracked based on your response because she could tell you weren't into it and thought it was strange.

I doubt it. He'd already made it clear that you weren't Ms Right, but you wanted to stay around as a placeholder

Was talking to a lady twenty years older than me over Facebook dating app over the course of the day. We talked on the phone earlier in the day but had never met yet. At 10:00 at night I got another call from her and she asked me if I wanted to come over. Since calling someone up that you haven't met yet that late and asking them to come over is really strange I asked her if she was wanting to have sex with me tonight. She said no I don't do that. I told her that most of the time when women call me up this late asking me to come over that is what they want. She tried to turn it around on me and say I think that's what you want. At that point I ended the call and promptly unmatched each other. I get that a lady isn't wanting sex every time she invites a guy over but it's really odd that she would ask me to come over that late if that isn't what she was looking for. Especially a guy she hadn't met as of yet. And who knows she very possibly was looking for sex but just didn't want to admit it but I don't want to take time getting ready that late at night only for it to be an innocent high how are you face to face meeting. Anyways that was something new for me to be called up that late by a lady I hadn't met yet asking me to come over. I'm sure it wasn't a situation where it would have turned into an unsafe situation for me or else she would have said yes I do want to have sex.

First of all, it's only one day later so give it a few days. That said, he may have just wanted some ass, and when you declined he realised that you're not wanting the same thing.

A few years ago I briefly dated this guy I met online. I could tell he was a catch, but basically I was emotionally unavailable bc still hung up on my toxic long term on/again off again thing w married man. I kinda just stopped responding. We never had sex. Well we finally reconnected & went on a date again. I liked him / felt I could attach to him way more than I remembered in the past. We met up somewhere that’s a fun little day trip spot & he got a hotel there, no convo about me staying w him was had / I didn’t give that impression. He wanted to split the bill for dinner which I remember about him. He hugged me good night when I was getting in my car, I lingered & then he went in for a kiss. It quickly escalated, to him grabbing my a** and fondling me, which was fine. Eventually he did invite me to stay w him saying we’d “have fun.” I reluctantly declined, saying I’m just a bit slower/more conservative w those things, and he said he remembered that about me. Well I haven’t heard from him today and we’d really seemed to vibe so WTH? I just worry about men thinking I’m just a good-time girl, so I didn’t want to give the impression I’d jump into bed w him the first time interacting w him in years.

As soon as a guy says he's questioning his attraction to you, you boot him to the curb. You date them again, you may as well be a hamster on a wheel.

It all comes down to communication. And when it's about sex with others, acting or not acting, constant honest communication is so vital. If you don't express your feelings/concerns, then of course she's going to think it doesn't bother you and take things further. For women in the industry the money is good, and there is notoriety, and sure it's pleasurable...for some. You just need to talk to her and make some decisions. The results may not be as bad as you imagine them...ya I get it, bringing it up, setting boundaries brings fear of ending the relationship...but why stay if it's painful.

He may not be cheating but he is emotionally connecting with her again just like old times...it's like they have picked up where they left off. His behaviour is being dismissed because he is continuing to interact with this person that makes you uncomfortable. The end result of it is that staying with him is damaging your well being and mental health. That means you need to get out of this relationship. The mom talk: I recommend you don't get into a relationship while you have studies. Have flings, dates, cuddle buddies, and hangouts, but don't get emotionally locked in with someone. Just not worth the hassle.

I was involved in a 10-year-long relationship with a married man. I look back on our times fondly, but one of the main reasons I have happy memories is that I accepted the relationship for what it was. We were friends who entertained each other and helped distract each other from the boredom of everyday life. Although I was single, I actively did not want to be in a real-world relationship with him (or anyone). I have known five different people in this situation that you're in. Of those five, one went on to have a legitimate relationship. The main thing that was different was that he was the only man I know of in this situation, and he was the one actively pushing for them to be together in real life. They met at work, and even though they were both married, they instantly started spending every moment together. They had both been in marriages that were seriously failing by that point, and it was an exit affair for both of them. They moved quickly, and were divorced from their spouses within 6 months. They married about a year later, and they are still married today, although it has not been a good relationship. I do believe that they truly love each other, but they both have a lot of toxic relationship patterns and personal issues that would keep them from truly being happy with anyone. As far as all of the other or women I know in this situation, it has not been good for any of them. One of my friends has been in an on-off affair with a man for over 20 years. She's been so obsessed with him that she spent her 30s and 40s waiting for him to leave his wife. He did actually divorce his wife at one point, but instead of making it legitimate with my friend, he moved a younger woman into his house to live with him for 6 months. After he kicked that girl out, while still having an affair with my friend, he ended up remarrying his wife. For some reason, my friend still believes that someday they will be together, although when they had the opportunity, he did not choose her. He just keeps moving the goal posts. When the kids grew up and left the house, then he said he needed to stay with his wife because of the house payment. Then they sold the house and moved to a smaller place, and he said he needed to stay with his wife so she could have health insurance. Then she got a job at a good company with good insurance, and now I'm not really sure what excuse he tells my friend anymore. This was the same situation with the other three women I know. They were fiercely devoted to their lovers and swear that they have a connection with each other that nobody else has ever experienced. The men all say that their wives are and sexually neglectful. At least two of them have gotten their wives pregnant during the time they were involved with the mistresses. Other than my one friend who is still chasing this guy 20 years later, the other three women eventually gave up. Sadly, my friend missed out on the opportunity to get married and have children on her own because she has been so mentally fixated on this guy. He announced recently that after he retires in January, he and his wife are moving away, so maybe that will finally end her obsession with him. Beyond the nature of an affair, it seems like your relationship might not be very practical. You have a very young child with your ex, and it sounds like your affair partner lives a distance away. That means if you want your son's father to be involved in his life on a regular basis, your boyfriend will have to move here. I think getting a guy to leave his wife would be hard enough, but also getting him to uproot to another city is pretty much impossible. It doesn't even sound like your AP could be a fun and exciting side adventure since he wants to control your behavior. If you do have some sort of game plan for how you two could be together taking into consideration the legal ramifications of residency dictated by parenting plan, it's probably time to test and see how serious he is. If you want to know if he is serious about you, tell him that you are ready to settle down with somebody now. Tell him that you would prefer it would be him, if that is unrealistic now, it is time to move on. Then break up with him and block all contact. If he is serious, he will realize that you are serious, and he will not take any chances on losing you. He will make it happen. Because one thing I've learned is that when a man really truly loves a woman, he will do whatever he can to make sure she is in his life. If he divorces his wife and seeks you out, you will know that he was serious about being with you. If he does not and he just comes up with more excuses, you will know that he was not serious about it. Good luck, and I hope it works out in the way that is best for you and your child in the long way.

Even the first time....I had moved on already and they were a distant memory. I just set a boundary for myself for self preservation to ignored them.

They wouldn't have no. He told you after 4 dates he wasn't into it. That's where it should have ended because that was a reflectionon of his true feelings.

I know I have overlook or ignored signs that he not fully invest and will eventually want to break up again. I guess I was hoping that he would change his mind. That’s feelings can grow the longer we spend together. When he came back after the break up and want to date again, I agree but was being very cautious. He put in effort of texting me everyday, calling me every night before bed to talk until we fall asleep, and take me out on dates, being caring and attentive made me thought that he changed and maybe he does like me since he putting in efforts. That’s where I guess my feelings grew for him even more. A lot of confusing things happened during the time I was dating him. It made me feel confuse and conflicted. When we broke up for good, I do accepted it because I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t fully like me either. I just feel sad knowing I stressed him out during dating and regret I didn’t try harder to plan dates and spend time with him. Part of me just wonder if I tried harder to not stress him out, would things turn out differently.

With respect, you seem to be re-writing history in your mind. Your first post about this break-up paints a very different picture, one of a man who's never been that keen and went along with things rather than demonstrating true interest of his own volitiion. It seems you can't accept that people sometimes change their minds, and he was never really as into this as you were. He should not have continued seeing you if he knew he wasn't that into you, no. But this is why you need to do a better job of looking out for yourself, too. You introduced this man to your parents after he'd already broken up with you once. That was not smart on your part. He told you on your fourth date that he wasn't really into you. You needed to walk away then, not double-down in your efforts to keep him around. It nearly never ends well, as you're seeing. I don't quite understand how you thought things were good, given the entire backstory here. You were (and still are) in quite a lot of denial about your connection to him. He's been showing signs all along that he wasn't going to stick around. You were simply not wanting to see those signs.

He didn't continue to pursue you.....he actually broke up with you early on. Then at around 2 months in, he confessed he was still struggling to be attracted. Yes, he did nice things for you, but him being unable to find the right level of attraction never really went away. This should have ended when he said that he still wasn't attracted the second time.

I think I’m just really upset. If he felt no attraction towards me then why continue dating me and only let me know months later. Why tell me he likes me after our second date and continue to pursue me. Showing me he was interested, continuous texting, calling and taking me out on dates. When we together it felt nice and everything felt good. I think I’m just really upset, more on myself for like him too much and too quick. I let my wall down too early and end up being heartbroken. I just feel dumb for thinking we were good.

When the excuses don't add up to why a person doesn't want to be with you the answer is simple. He's just not feeling you in the way that matters to him and there is literally nothing you can do to change this. You should have ended it with him the moment he told you he didn't feel a spark for you. What he's looking for is passion and he isn't feeling it with you. Let him go so you can find a man who does.

I don't know if it's beneficial to be analyzing a third party relationship where neither party is even here. It's like responding to hearsay of hearsay of hearsay (you saying what she says about what her husband says)... Is that even useful? That being said, there are lots of possibilities here. One is that he doesn't want the same things she does (e.g. kids) but she pushed her own desires on him and he caved in because he doesn't have strong boundaries. Another is that, like you said, she doesn't believe that she deserves a more compatible partner because she has low self esteem. Or it could be both, or neither, or there's something going on in their relationship that we don't even know about.

This is a lot of analysis for a 3 month long relationship. Why are you even so invested in this? Why are you jumping through so many mental hoops to try and explain this to yourself? The early dating stages are precisely for determining whether or not you feel chemistry between the two of you. You can't know for sure that they are the right person for you so early on... But you can definitely know that they are the WRONG person. Once you know that they are wrong, what's the point in dragging things out? He's doing the right thing IMO. If he doesn't feel it, he doesn't feel it. Far better that he be honest with you now than string you along. Also stop twisting yourself into pretzels trying to figure out "what's wrong with you" - it's very possible that nothing is wrong (except for the fact that you seem to get attached very very quickly), you just don't have chemistry together.

What sort of texts have you sent her?

Is is the primrary reason didn't work out. It's not something that can be "overcome."