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Judgmental isn't a word I'd throw around because you're doing it yourself. You haven't lived YD's experience, and it's not your place to impose a timeline on her ability to forgive.

No means no.

No, you don't. Why throw away your goal of finding the RIGHT lifetime partner for mutual attraction and desire just to get used by someone to gain documentation? What do you get from this arrangement? I'd tell her to find someone willing to settle for less than what you want and deserve.

Absolutely end the relationship. OMG, if you go forward you are in for a world of pain, stabbing, humiliating, insulting pain and self-rejection if you marry someone who has no attraction to you. Marriage, at its best, is about being with some who we know totally admires us and has our back. And we totally admire them. Being attracted to each other is FUNDAMENTAL. You cannot force attraction. Randomly, or in the right circumstances, it MIGHT grow. But she's already spent time with you. You guys have spent lots of time together. If it ain't there now, it ain't gonna come. I know her words must have hurt, but dude, she is doing you a huge favor by coming clean. Get out now. Do NOT marry. Your doubts are wise and important. Get out dude! And by the way, next time you date, YOU can really figure this out without the other person saying it. Going forward with the marriage would be wrong.

Whatever reason she is with you for, it isn’t love. She honestly told you she wasn’t attracted to you. If she still wants to be with you and is fine with having sex with you, it means that she is using you. It doesn’t matter what she is using you for, whether it is visa, money, security, stability, etc. The important part is that she isn’t in love with you. If you stay with her you’ll be feeling more and more miserable and unhappy,

That isn't how it works....It goes this way...you like someone, you just simply find out if they are single then ask them out. Signals are meaningless and not a way to gauge one's interests. Flicking hair etc is just a means of comfort, that's it. You took your shot, she pretty much said no. You accept it and move on like she did.

We haven’t spoken since Tuesday. She said it’s over. I feel bad because I wanted things to work as I didn’t realize the scale of the issues, I thought our issues were communication, but it’s standards/expectations misaligning. I explained to her many times I’m not desperate to get married , I only bring up marriage as that’s what I want before kids/being tied together financially. The timeline on that is when we both felt comfortable. She kept accusing me of not being committed as I don’t want her to move in or have kids till marriage, as I want a stable life. Now I see that’s all she wants even though I have the good memories I know she will just turn on me again.

I don't know the visa laws in Australia but I suggest that you should review them carefully. She doesn't deny you sex because she wants to seal the deal. But there is no way that a woman who tells you frankly she does not find you attractive, is not aroused by you, and only has sex to appease you, is going to ever be a satisfying sexual partner. The fact that she doesn't see what the problem is when she effectively allows you to use her body as a source of masturbation should be setting off alarm bells for you.

Have you left her, or are the two of you just looping another roundabout that you'll be happy to jump back on if she comes back?

Australia. She doesn't deny me sex, she says - "I can do it whenever I want" and because she doesn't deny me sex, she cannot understand "what the problem is". Also, I'm not too sure how interested she is in visa. Whenever I try to talk about this, she blames it on my body, poor performance, or not lasting long enough or says things like "but people love in different ways". I'm not sure if she is really with me for the visa.

Hoping to gain outsider’s advice on my sad family situation. My youngest daughter is getting married in 2 months, and has not made ammends with her sister who has caused SO MUCH TURMOIL in our immediate family over many years. Older daughter (will call her OD), finally hit rock bottom a year ago when she ended up in prison. At age 14 she went down the complete wrong path, and basically caused havoc in the entire family. She made horrible choices, stole, lied about everything, and was an addict. Her Dad and I also divorced. For any parent who loves an addict, it lead to excruciating heartbreak for us. She was almost killed at age 18 (bad car accident), and we all supported her and prayed for the best and a much needed change. OD graduated from ultrasound school, got a great job, and lived on her own. Shortly after, old habits came into play and my youngest daughter (will call her YD) stopped all contact. They have barely spoken in 6 yrs. It has been over a year since OD made a complete turnaround and is sober. She has a job and an apt she lives in with her boyfriend. She has shown remorse, written letters to everyone, and reconnected with everyone but her sister. YD said she “needs more time” the last time I brought it up. Am i wrong to be angry? In my opinion, YD is being very judgemental……thoughts?

Absolutely not. Please don’t marry her. No happiness can ever come out of a marriage that is not only sexless but loveless. You don’t owe her anything,

It's unbelievable that you would get back with her after everything that's happened, and that you would let this pregnancy happen. And then you act surprised when the relationship fell apart yet again and all the old issues came right back up. You have a serious problem that you ignore red flags. You don't take full responsibility for your part in that. You act like all these bad relationships are just something that "happens" to you, almost like you can't do anything about it. Have you tried therapy? You shouldn't date again until you get some therapy and learn to make better decisions in relationships.

I found this place on google, and thought cool I'll give it a go. Spent forever writing out my piece. And all I got was some weird attack from some deranged cooker. Who I look up, and there's just pages and pages of the same s***. Is everyone here totally unhinged?

p.s. YES When you marry, you are restricting all future sexual activity to your spouse (absent alternative lifestyles). When one partner suggests, as your fiancée has, that sex will be off the table, you are essentially committing to foregoing sex for the rest of your life (absent cheating or aforementioned alternative lifestyles). The sex you are getting now, in the so-called honeymoon period, is the best, most frequent sex you will ever have with this woman. She knows she has to provide some minimal level of sex in order to get you to agree to marry her. Once that's done, I'd be shocked if the door didn't slam shut on sex altogether.

What country are you in? In the US, when someone applies for a partner visa, the citizen agrees to be financially responsible for that person for a period of 10 years. There may be similar or more extensive requirements where you live. I think this woman has been very clear with you that you will be committing to a largely sexless marriage (until/unless she wants children, in which case there will be a period of increased sex, likely followed by a complete shut down of activity). You can talk about this all you want, but she's made herself very clear. Her interest is in the visa, not you.

Are you sure? It seems she is marrying you for one specific reason: This isn't going to work out well, in the end. She isn't marrying you for the reasons you want to marry her. This is quite clearly transactional for her. You wouldn't be doing anything to her. This would be a marriage of convenience on her part and I seriously doubt she wasn't aware of the risk that you would not want to marry her if you woke up and smelled the coffee. My strong advice? Absolutely do not marry her. It will be a miserable marriage for you and she isn't likely to stick around for the long-term. My guess is that she would wait a few years until she isn't dependent on you for paperwork/permission to stay in the country anymore, and then end the marriage.

K and I have been in a relationship and it was mostly long distance, meeting every 2 to 3 months. She is wonderful, our values are similar, she is genuine, down to earth and considerate and I was always relaxed spending time with her. Our sex life was active in the beginning but she always required lube and no matter what I tried nothing changed. She dismissed exploring anything new together. I always asked if I was doing anything wrong and genuinely tried to improve. As a result, it started to make me feel anxious wondering if she enjoys or not. She finally moved here permanently and we plan to marry next month so she can apply for a partner visa - something she cannot obtain on her own. After she moved here the physical side declined significantly because of what I learnt from her. When I finally asked if she enjoys sex she told me she doesn't - she does it to make me happy. When I asked if she finds me attractive she told me she never has found me (when she first met me) physically attractive and still doesn't find me attractive. She has never felt physical desire for me but loves me for my personality and says she can compromise on attraction and physical enjoyment for the rest of her life. She also takes medication for depression and bipolar disorder and has acknowledged she felt more arousal before starting medication two years ago - but still considers this my problem to deal with, not hers. When I raise how important physical desire and intimacy are to me in a marriage she tells me I am being superficial and complaining. Now whenever we try to have, I cannot shake this feeling that, she’s doing all of this to satisfy me. I love her and we share values and life goals. But knowing she has never desired me and is willing to tolerate rather than want our physical relationship has made me lose interest entirely. I never feel desired or wanted. We need to get married in less than a month but knowing attraction is only one sided is making me have second thoughts. If I don’t proceed with it, she may have to go back to her country (Taiwan) and I feel immense guilt if I did this to her. I feel conflicted. She is a good person. But I am scared and hesitant about a marriage where my partner has never felt desire for me and believes that is not something worth addressing. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is physical attraction and desire a reasonable expectation in a marriage?

You need to recognize your own role in the dysfunction first. This is not all about women using you and taking advantage of you, though that very much seems to be the narrative you've sold yourself and are gripping onto very tightly.

No, we reconciled in January and things seemed very different. She seemed reasonable and agreed to work on relationship and put the big stuff aside. Things were on a better track and then the accident happened. It taught me a lot. When things went adverse or got difficult she turned on me basically. What I am asking is in the future I don’t want to have a ‘chip on my shoulder’ but this relationship has raised many concerns. I want to move on in a positive way. I waited till things got too toxic to move on as that’s what I’m used to. I have never ended a relationship early enough. As I said above, in my head I would be resolved to leaving her and would have all these reasons of the bad things she does and how she doesn’t care about my issues, only her issues. Then she would do something thoughtful or adaptable and my mind would change. What I want is advice on how to stop these things happening in the future. When I’m not aligned with someone on key things but they don’t come out and say it directly.

Equine manure. This doesn't wash. It's just a convenient excuse (again) to carry on this nonsense. If she were so terrified of risking her reputation, she wouldn't be carrying on a secret affair in her fiancé's home to begin with. You are just as selfish as she is.

Dude, this isn’t a rom-com. This is your life. It’s like the famous quote from Notting Hill - “I’m just a girl, standing in front of boy, asking him to love me…” You really shouldn’t be volunteering to throw yourself on your sword for a woman who doesn’t even care enough to chose you or be faithful to anyone…

Yes, I’ve already figured out it was Thailand. What you’re describing is typical patriarchal hypocritical immorality that is sadly still prevalent in many parts of the world. That doesn’t mean that you can’t find a person who’d oppose the system and choose better values to live by. Again, you are looking for excuses that would justify her behavior, and again you’re completely missing the point. Either she truly embraces traditional values - and then she doesn’t cheat. Or she rejects those values and loves her own life - and then she immediately leaves her fiancé and gets together with you. Do you realize how ridiculous it sounds when you basically say that she is cheating on her fiancé, sleeping with two guys, and testing her lover for sexual compatibility because she is traditional?

First, I listed all possibilities in such scenarios for a hypothetical comparison. The only actual possibility in your case is that she doesn’t love anyone. Second, a woman who doesn’t love either of the men she’s sleeping with but misleads them to believe she does isn’t someone who looks for protection and care, it’s someone who manipulates while seeking their own benefit. Third, since you have finally understood that she doesn’t love you, the above doesn’t even matter. Break it off and move on.

There is no confusion here. You asked her out, she refused. You should move on. You appear to believe that when women play with their hair, maintain eye contact, or give you a compliment, it means that they want to date you. Please stop thinking that. None of those behaviors is romantic. Anyone who tells you that you can figure out whether a woman likes you or not from such gestures is lying.