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What are you really doing to work on this, though, besides watching YouTube videos? Have you at least talked to a therapist? Who might refer you to a psychologist or an addiction specialist? Of course it is, but you're not exactly looking for a super traditional relationship here, are you? Because if you were completely "traditional", your parents and the woman's parents would decide who marries who, and they might not give a fig about how you feel about it. If you had uncaring parents, you might be married to the worst cook in the world, just because her father is rich. So you don't want tradition. You don't really want love either, because love involves meeting someone and feeling something for them that grows as you both get to know each other. You just want a relationship that's 100% on your terms, that ticks the boxes of your list. Let's not mince words and call it what it is. Is it your prerogative to want that? I mean, sure. Everyone has the right to want what they want. I just don't know how many takers you're going to have. Remember, even if you miraculously find someone who ticks all your boxes, you still need them to be interested in you. I wish you the best of luck, truly.

He's right, you know. Prodding him to do something he already said he wouldn't do is like getting mad at a glass of wine for not being a mug of warm milk. You should accept that he is what he is, recognize that you have valid needs that he does not have the ability or desire to meet, and let him go. He is best off dating women who are okay with non-commitment. And you are best off dating men who want the relationships they're in to have the potential to progress.

Believe you me, you can't heal him. The person who is unwell is the only one who can admit that he/she is unwell and seek treatment. Keep in mind that these are not just insecurities. They are the life story he has chosen, and he is committed to making this story his reality. At the same time, he wants to have his cake and eat it (after all, we all want to be loved), so if you offer him love, he will take it as long as it doesn't interfere with this life story. That makes him kind of selfish. It also means he is low on the emotional intelligence scale (at some point, we have to be able to admit when we or the people we date are stupid/willfully stubborn about relationships and emotional matters). If you choose to leave, that's not you being cruel. That's you accepting that he has drawn a line in the sand and respecting it. That's what a mature loving relationship looks like. If he tries to guilt-trip you about it, then he's a manipulative jerk. If you try to guilt-trip yourself about it, that means you have issues that you need to get addressed, and your priority should be getting help for yourself. Forget about healing your boyfriend; you need to heal yourself. In fact, I would argue that this should be your priority now.

And the thing is when i corner him he says he is committed to me. he has acknowledged he shouldnt say those things but still... i know he has bad fears of abandonment in general which is contributing. ugh it sucks he can be so loving and affectionate with me and helpful in other ways but then he wont do these simple things for me and if i prod him too much he will get upset and bring up how i said i felt bad for prodding him too much so qhy am i doing it.

I hate that you're most likely right... it's heartbreaking for me because I love him and I know he loves me but he's letting these insecurities get in the way and i feel so sad that for a long time ive known that on some level but i have kept on trying and trying to believe that with work and talking things through i could "heal" his insecurities and there are things hes said that have made me hopeful... but if i cant i have to be the cruel one and fulfill them..

And he's counting on it. It sounds like he doesn't want to take this relationship to the next level, and he doesn't feel "ready" to make a lifelong commitment to you. It's not a matter of giving him more time. It's just not something he wants or feels comfortable with. Whether it's due to "insecurities" or not, that doesn't really matter. You're not going to get the commitment you want from this guy. This is a bizarre thing to say. This is not something that a guy says if he is truly committed to a relationship, casually talking about the possibility of you leaving him. I think subconsciously he wants that to happen. It sounds like he has one foot in and one foot out of the relationship. He's perpetually "not ready" for a serious relationship.

Yeah... I've experienced this. What it meant at the end of the day was that our relationship could not progress beyond a certain point. You can hang in there as long as you like, but knowing what I know now, I would have advised my younger self not to bother being in a relationship with someone whose insecurities were of the relationship-ending type. You know what I mean: the insecurities that end up being expressed in words like "I'm not good enough for you," "You're going to leave me one day," "Your parents/friends think I'm not good enough for you," etc. People who talk/think like this will either end the relationship out of the blue one day when you think things are going well or will sabotage the relationship by not doing things that would enable the relationship to progress (e.g. by not meeting your parents, never being ready to get engaged/have kids/do something else that matters).

Understand that a porn addiction is likely to be a dealbreaker for most women, too. You would be wise to get your own house in order first, as your issues have a much higher probability of causing serious problems in a relationship than someone who doesn't love cooking.

Not after this long, no. Barring some extreme case where there has indeed been bad blood for whatever reason, I would be very unhappy wtih my partner still refusing to meet my parents after 3 years. What sort of issues?

Interesting, I have the exact opposite problem. My partner’s parents still refuse to meet me after almost 3 years. You’re saying that it’s a commitment issue, but according to your boyfriend it’s a personal thing that doesn’t really impact his commitment to you, right? At least that’s the impression I got. Personally, I don’t view a refusal to meet your partner’s parents as a commitment issue, unless it’s a part of several other tendencies that can only be explained with lack of commitment. At any rate, if you’re otherwise satisfied with him I don’t see any point in pressuring him to meet your parents. That will only damage your relationship.

My bf (M32) is extremely reluctant to meet my (F25) parents. So, I have discussed this with him various times telling him that it's been a long time and I think if we want to be serious together then he should at meet them. For context, i'm only really close with my mom and dad at this point (besides one aunt that lives far away) and I have no siblings. So not exactly a big family for him to deal with. I live a state away atp so I don't see them except maybe several times a year at their house and then a few more times they come and visit me for a day. He is not really close at all with his mom anymore for reasons which are his own and don't bother me, but he is still close with his dad. He moved back in with his dad a couple years ago since his dad is in his 70s now and needs some helping and cleaning around the house, shoveling, taking to appointments, etc. His dad has caused him some trauma in his life although loves him overall. But I think both his parents instilled some insecurities in his belief that he doesnt matter and fears of abandonment, and I think he knows this. Both of us have our issues, neither of us can afford therapy, and some of these issues have come up in our relationship but overall we have tried our best to address them and in total we have a good and loving relationship. When we started dating i was of the mind that i wanted something casual and he was okay with that, but I got older and we fell in love and I decided I wanted more and more commitment. Not marriage and kids, but the commitment of him integrating into my life and basically saying that he views me as his life partner. Now he's basically said more or less he could see spending his life with me, until I( if )I choose to leave him. Essentially with his insecurities and level of confidence he believes I probably will leave him at some point. And this clearly translates to this issue. THE REASON: Basically he's hesitant because of his insecurities, he thinks my dad in particular will judge him because he never went to college and his job is really dead end. And he just is ashamed of himself But i've told him that even if my dad asks a few questions all they really care abt is if im happy, and if he merely projected some confidence he'd be fine. He is friends with my mom on instagram and fb and hes even messaged her a few times because my mom is more chill and kind of the laid back open minded artist type. Shes asked several times when shes going to meet him and ive literally run out of excuses by this point. ive told him all of this many times especially recently and asked if he could at least go to dinner with me and my parents on my birthday. He said with his physical state and what hes been going through recently he cant give a confident yes but he wishes he could. How much longer does he need? am I being unreasonable? ive said all this and more and the thing is he AGREES with me, he knows it's a problem, He wants to be better but its so hard because if he says yes he'll go out of his mind with anxiety as it comes up. Theres honestly a part of me that feels like of I was enough for him or maybe hes just not mature enough that he needs to get over it. But I hold out hope that with enough prodding..... i dont know anymore. I don't even know what i'm asking except: should I give him more time? is this something you've heard of? I just need anothers perspective I guess TL;DR: Bf and I love each other, overall relationship is going good except for his insecurities that lead him to refuse to meet my parents even though its been 3 years and i view it as an issue to commitment. He recognizes this, but still wont give me a yes. Should I give him more time?

So are abolition of slavery, religious tolerance, universal voting rights, rejection of torture and capital punishment, and a bunch of other good things.

Oops, I wasn't. Nonetheless, I'm serious when I say that there's merit in the idea, because of the next point: Mind you, they didn't know what 'retire' is, so this '20y ahead of sked' doesn't make sense. They'd frown at the prospect that she's working while her job should be at home, homemaking. Then they'd reprimand me for letting my wife do that while we already have enough to get food for a few lifetimes. Both my grandmas bore 10+ children while doing comparable farm work (less, but still) to my grandpas and cooking for the big family. The children helped significantly as they grew up. My grandpa had time to write poets and raise goldfish. What I will ask in my partner is much, much more equalizing and unimaginably liberal in my forefathers' eyes. True. But I hope you didn't miss the part when I wrote I'm working on this. It's like a question of egg or chicken 1st. While I don't count on a girl to help, I of course won't shun any assistance coming my way. Did you know that the notion of love being required for relationship is a rather modern invention? That said, I do want love. Please enlighten me on how love works in your opinion. All my past Rs lasted more than a few months (years), except recently, when I was shocked by this generation's ONS & FWB & whatever-abbreviation-it-is culture. Back then, I didn't know what I want. Now I do, and as I get ready to settle, not being able to cook is a deal-breaker.

Creeeepy . The photo collection is weird, but his enraged reaction is even weirder. A normal person would be embarrassed and definitely wouldn't expect you to want to continue a relationship with them. Because, why would you want an intimate relationship with a pervert who takes photos of some girl in a cafe and then jerks off over them? Apart from the fact that his creepy behaviour is an insult to his partner, (you), taking secret photos of someone is crossing a line, and taking secret photo's for sexual purposes is worryingly close to what many serial killers do when they choose a victim. You need to rid yourself of this sticky-fingered weirdo, and I'd let the girl in the cafe know and let her be the one to involve the law if she wants him dealt with.

I agree that there are always exceptions to any rule. Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that the rule ceases to exist. And that is particularly important to remember when people do have feelings for each others, because they tend to think that every obstacle can be overcome. When I was with that 19 year old I thought we were different. And yet later I realized that I’d been preying indeed, not in the vulgar sense of getting a very young girl into my bed, but subconsciously seeking a young, immature person that would be easier to control. I wasn’t even aware of that when it was happening. Similarly, she was certain that she’d found the love of her life in me, that she’d never want to experiment with anyone else. Yet shortly before she broke up with me she said she’d been feeling deep panic due to the finality of that, the fact that her love life had been completed at the age of 26 with just one man and nobody to compare him to.

You get back to it by just not talking about it again. I've had it happen with a few male friends, one couldn't take no for an answer so we stopped being friends, the others accepted it and we remained platonic friends. And honestly, that's what he's saying - "no". He wants to be friends with you and nothing more.

And that is what two people said. And without knowing the types of personalities those two people have those statements don't mean much. Look we live in an age where people load up their sex videos onto the internet for other people to watch if they want to. Showing off gym photos is extremely mild compared to what is out there with just a couple clicks of a button. I admit it is a little odd that they are hanging out with someone so much younger but some people enjoy being around young people. They may not fit in well with other people in their mid 30's who have stable lives with good jobs and kids at home.

20s is quite different from 18 (the OP's case), especially if he's mid or late 20s. Have you heard of Bonnie Blue, that British "influencer" who goes around asking 18yo boys to have sex? That was her whole shtick - sex with "barely legal" boys. She's reviled for a reason. There's a natural human instinct to protect people who are barely out of their childhood from middle-aged adults. I don't think this instinct is misguided.

FWIW, not all cultures historically have terrible food. The cuisines that were brought in to liven up the palates of Australia and the UK generally have long histories in their cultures of origin. My grandmother seemed to really like cooking (and was an incredible cook), but I could never tell whether she liked it because she liked it, or because there weren't really any other options for her to explore. She couldn't travel until she became a grandmother, she could barely read, she couldn't use technology (because she could barely read), she couldn't do sports, so there just wasn't a ton of things that she could enjoy doing really. Same with my grandfather and the older men in the family who were glad to be the sole breadwinner of their family - was it because they genuinely liked it, or because society didn't give them any other options? It's human nature, I think, for people to convince themselves that they are happy with something that they are doing, even if ultimately they didn't have much choice in the matter. Life would be unbearable otherwise. I think we're seeing a more natural distribution now because people have options.

he didn't admit that he has a crush on you, he told you he enjoys your friendship. this is him letting you down gently that he's not interested.

So my daughter said if she received pictures like that it would be creepy! I asked what her boyfriend would think (he's 20) and she said he would say shirtless pictures are innapropriate.

So? OP and his gf are not in their early 20s and this juvenile behavior is not welcome. The 21 yo should be told. I have a 21 yo daughter and she has a boyfriend. Her and her bf have several male friends in commun. I will ask her if this would be normal for her to get shirt-off gym pictures.

I hope you're aware that I was being facetious when I said that... I also hope you're aware that relying on a hypothetical future partner to "help" you overcome an addiction is an extremely unhealthy choice. You're an adult, your health is your responsibility; it's not your partner's responsibility to be your addiction specialist, therapist, or psychologist. It's your responsibility to seek that help professionally, ideally before getting into a relationship. It's also a convenient way of pushing it down the line, don't you think? Basically just procrastination... As for the FIRE thing, of course a woman would need to be non-traditional to accept this, especially if she will be working full-time while YOU are "retired". There's no need to guess what your forefathers would have said about early retirement - just go talk to 70- or 80-yos in your culture and ask them what they'd think about a man who retires 20 years ahead of schedule while his wife of similar age is still working. This is a very concerning way of looking at a relationship. It's like you've got this virtual character in mind where you have a set number of points to assign to various traits, and you think you're just going to create your own custom waifu that way. Real life and real relationships don't work that way. Real love - a prerequisite of a real relationship, by the way - doesn't work that way. You say you're in your 30s... have you actually had any real-life relationships that lasted for more than a couple of months? Honestly, if I hadn't read about your age on your post, I would have guessed that you were a 17-yo with no relationship experience writing about his fantasy girl.

Your grief is natural, and so is an inability to foresee the future. That's where faith comes in. Trust your highest potential, and take small baby steps toward deciding how you will pursue it. You're always welcome to write more here, and I hope we can help.

You have nothing to lose by comforting yourself. I'd make it a regular practice.