All Activity

I've been seeing a married man for about a year now, and today he confessed that he is in love with me, and he wants me to quit my job as an exotic dancer. He is , according to him, being neglected sexually(nor does she cook so he eats fast food all of the time) by his wife who is an engineer after making several attempts to get his needs met in his marriage. He has also started being more romantic, paying my bills, buying me flowers, lingerie, and also spending the night with me at my place. He cooks for me when he is here. Today while he was over my place, he told me that he is in love with me. From the beginning, I told him that because he is married, all we can do is have sex (as I am clearly aware that most who indulge in extramarital affairs do not leave their marriage for their affair partner), & that my intent is not to blow up his marriage or cause any drama. They sleep in separate bedrooms & sex between them is non-existent. He is 53, & I am 23. As someone who put my cards on the table in the beginning (I'm single and am not currently looking for love), how should I hande him telling me that he has fallen in love with me? I was honest about what we would be the moment he told me he was married after we decided to see each one another.

Maybe you should start by understanding that much of what you see on social media is an illusion. Checking some actual facts about how most people live might help get a clearer picture of it. For example, there are only a couple of countries in the whole world where the average annual income is low 6 figures. Which means that even in those countries, most people don’t make that much (since averages are skewed towards the higher numbers because there is always a tiny amount of people that are unimaginably rich). And we’re talking about abnormally rich countries like Monaco. In Burundi, average annual income is about 300$. Yes, three hundred dollars. Per year. Only a small percentage of people can afford travel. The majority of people on our planet stay in the same location and work very hard just to stay alive. Moving out? Try living in one house or even one room with several generations of your family. That’s how most people live. Grandparents, parents, a bunch of kids. Very few people can afford to live independently. As for happy relationships, I hope you don’t need to browse through statistics website to realize how absurd it is to assume that most people have them. Being in a genuinely happy relationship that lasts many years and doesn’t end in a break up is a very rare occasion. Most people in the world are stuck in relationships because they have to, due to religious and cultural prescriptions, social stigma, and financial considerations. Many of them didn’t even choose to be in those relationships. Those that have freedom to be with people they actually choose and leave whenever they want to struggle immensely and spend a lot of time and effort to find the right partner, which is anything but guaranteed. Their small chance of success decidedly depends on their mindset. Complaining about one’s own life and envying the lives of others is deeply unattractive. Start by counting your blessings and loving yourself and your life.

I appreciate your in depth response that goes beyond "call the help line" which wouldn't of been a bad suggestion either. and yea it's hard because I'm addicted to social media and can't stop focusing on all my peers who make close to 6 figures, moved out, have happy relationships and get to travel the world.

May I ask why you didn't tell him what you wanted and expected for your future on the first, second or third date also? It's important to let them know early what you want as that could have saved you a lot of heartache.

I understand feeling behind in life. I'm 32, nor married and only had one serious relationship that didnt work out. Im also in an industry that doesnt pay great and struggling to find my way in the employment sphere. What I find useful is to think of it this way: today is always the first day of the rest of your life. You could be an executive with 7 figures in the bank, a wife and a happy life and in the space of a few weeks or a few months your wife leaves you, your company goes bust and you are broke and starting at square one again, basically in the same place you find yourself now. I have met many such people. Life is not linear progress but thats the way people like to depict it to comfort themselves. Age gives us generic markers for where we "should" be at a certain point in your life but we are all so different and on different paths, and many of the people we think are ahead are struggling in their own ways. There is really no use limiting yourself because you feel you haven't done enough, the past is gone and the important thing to focus on is that you are here alive and kicking, today. Whether you are 14, 24, 34, or 74 the same still applies, you have to focus on living the rest of your life to the fullest, and there are still many doors open to you if you can bring yourself to pursue them

I would dump him and go get tested. He will do it again.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I went through something incredibly similar, and I know that gut-wrenching feeling you’re describing - like someone kicked you in the stomach. It’s completely valid to feel betrayed, hurt, and confused right now. First, please know: you are not stupid. He made a choice to hide this from you, and that’s on him, not you. The fact that you trusted him doesn’t make you foolish - it makes you someone who was capable of loving fully. As for confronting him - you deserve honesty and answers. You have every right to tell him what you know and how you feel. Whether you heard it through his therapy session or not, the truth is the truth, and you deserve to process this openly with him. Here’s what helped me: I had to remember that someone else’s betrayal doesn’t define my worth. It took time, but I eventually realized that picking myself back up wasn’t about them - it was about me choosing myself. You deserve someone who chooses you too, consistently and honestly. Take the time you need to feel everything you’re feeling. And when you’re ready, trust that you have the strength to move forward, whatever that looks like for you. You’re going to get through this

Thank you

He's covered his bases with a warning. Now he can freely plow forward knowing that if you still choose to stick around, he can always do whatever (and whomever) he wants and just say, "Look, I told you the truth. I never promised I'd be faithful."

Why did you have a constant feeling that something was wrong in your relationship?

Please call a helpline that is set up for these types of things. This is merely a dating advice site and most of the time our advice doesn't go much further then is this person interested or not interested. You are dealing with struggles more serious then that.

forgive me as I posted this in the wrong section before. I'm at the point where I just feel like ending it. I never figured out what I wanted to do in life, have mental health disorders, and now I'm scrambling to get my life together because of it. After this semester I'll be half way done with this public health program if I can continue and then I would get my masters. I only got into this because it was 42 credits and didn't have any prerequisites. I only have entry level experience and no experience to get a better job. but the salaries don't sound promising. I'm honestly ready to end it all. I'm tired of being single and miserable. My therapist says it shouldn't affect my dating life at all but I no that isn't true. almost every woman on reddit says its a dealbreaker. At this point I'll probably be living here until my parents are dead. I honestly don't wanna be alive anymore either because of this. idk what to do. All my peers are thriving and here I am....a worthless pos loser who fcked his life up.

I'm at the point where I just feel like ending it. I never figured out what I wanted to do in life, have mental health disorders, and now I'm scrambling to get my life together because of it. After this semester I'll be half way done with this public health program if I can continue and then I would get my masters. I only got into this because it was 42 credits and didn't have any prerequisites. I only have entry level experience and no experience to get a better job. but the salaries don't sound promising. I'm honestly ready to end it all. I'm tired of being single and miserable. My therapist says it shouldn't affect my dating life at all but I no that isn't true. almost every woman on reddit says its a dealbreaker. At this point I'll probably be living here until my parents are dead. I honestly don't wanna be alive anymore either because of this. idk what to do.

That is good insight. I looked at it differently as she is someone that hyper focuses on some things while ignoring others. I get that about her. I am trying to support her through this time with her mother, but it is tough. Part of my struggle is how long do I suppress my feelings. I share them with her and crickets. But I realize that we are all different and handle things differently.

I don’t see how her current distress can be classified as “emotionless”. She is obviously upset and worried about her mother. Unless there are other issues going on between you two, why would you think she is hiding something? People deal with emotional distress differently. Some crave intimacy, physical or spiritual, while others withdraw. She is distant not because she doesn’t care about you, but because she is upset about other things. As for talking only about her family, well, again, people are different. Some prefer to be distracted from whatever upsets them, while others feel better when they constantly talk about it. I think you might want to focus on supporting her through the tough times.

My wife and I have been married for 30 years. It has been an up and down marriage but mostly good. We have raised 2 children with 1 now married and the other finally out of the house. As we raised our children, we put them first probably over our marriage. We are now empty nesters and have discussed that we are looking forward to focusing on each other. Then her mother has medical issues and she is needed to help take care of her. Unfortunately her parents live hours away. She recently stayed there for 1 month without coming home. I visited for a weekend half way through her stay. She is home now but getting ready to go back. When we are apart we only talk about her family. When I try to talk about other things she changes the conversation back to herself and family. I have shared with her that I am frustrated that she does not care about our intimacy not just physical but mental, emotional and spiritual. I keep bringing this up as I feel so distant from her. I don't know what is going on in her head. I ask questions but don't get answers which I feel she is hiding something. When I to confront her she seems numb and is quiet. I am trying to have patience that this too will pass. I am know that I over think things, but I am worried that something else is going on. Thoughts?

They can if they really want to. The man you’re talking about does not want to be monogamous. He clearly told you that. You can’t hope to change him just because you want him to be exclusive with you. He is what he is. I don’t blame him for being polygamous, but I think he should have shared that with you earlier and backed off the moment you said you had different views. Instead, he continues to play with your emotions, creating a false sense of security. Of course.

Boys and girls have to learn to coexist at some point. They can't be segregated by gender forever. The school is responsible for keeping everyone safe in this program and making sure nothing inappropriate happens. You think the school would allow kids to harass each other? If you have questions or concerns about this swim program, why don't you contact the school and ask them about it.

People don't usually change. And you never, ever start a relationship with someone hoping that they will change. You look at who they ARE and ask yourself if that is a person you are compatible with. He was honest with you and told you that he isn't built for monogamy. Listen to what he has told you. If you got into a relationship with him, it's very naive to think those tendencies wouldn't come out. It sounds like he won't let you go and is still pursuing you because he's infatuated with you. He's being selfish right now, playing with your emotions when he KNOWS that he is not built for monogamy. If you got into a relationship with him, this exciting honeymoon stage wouldn't last forever. Once it wore off, his passion for being with other people would be right there waiting. You should not waste your time with this. If you know that you want monogamy, this isn't the guy for you.

I would really urge you think hard about what your definition of "safe" is. You have mentioned this several times yet I see this man are really emotionally unsafe for you. He kept a big part of who he really is from you until just recently, and has been pretty plain in telling you he wants to be able to have sex with other women should the occasion arise. What about that is safe, exactly? My read is this: he knew exactly what he was doing in getting you to fall for him and intentionally didn't say anything utnil he had you where he wanted you, which was where you are now - available to him and still offering the perks of a relationship, but with the knowledge that he isn't monogamous. You're already very into him, he knows it, and wants to continue to keep you around at his convenience, despite knowing how much it hurts and confuses you. In other words? This guy is smooth and I don't think you quite see that yet. I know a man just like him, and your guy has ripped a page right out of the playbook here. I think he is fond of you, yes, but I also think he sensed your big blind spot and plays right into it: sweet words, vague references to marriage and kids, but with the serious disclaimer that he's non-monogamous so you can't get upset if you find out he is dating or having sex with other women because, well, he warned you what he is like. I would actually almost bet the farm he was with someone else during the holidays when you were apart and he realized he needed to be more honest. I don't think he wants to change this, so no, I would absolutely not hold your breath that it will happen. I don't fault hiim for being non-monogamous, to be clear. Plenty of people are not. Where I fault hin is not being honest about this a lot earlier and continuing to tug on your heart strings knowing you are upset. It's the latter that tells me this is not a great guy. The man I know who is like this? He has left a trail of women just like you in his wake. Women who think he is going to change, wants to chamge, is trying to change..until they find out he's been out all night with someone else. I have known this man since we were kids, and all his adult life he has been this way. He's nearly 50 now. The way you describe your man is remarkably similar. When it comes down to it, you are fundamentally incompatible where it really counts. If you want a healthy, thriving and truly safe and secure relationship, honey, this is not where you will find it. Walk away now before your heart and self-worth get blown to smithereens.

Hi everyone. I’m 32F and the man I’m seeing is also 32. I’m looking for some outside perspective because I feel very emotionally torn and don’t trust my own judgment right now. I work as a receptionist at a hotel. Not long ago, I came out of a narcissistic relationship that left me deeply heartbroken. We had agreed on building a family together, and I ended up having an abortion after he suddenly changed his mind. That whole experience shattered something in me – especially the part of me that longed to become a mother one day. That’s a story in itself, but it’s important context for where I’m emotionally. One evening at work, a man came down to the reception. I had noticed him before – honestly, everyone had. He was striking: sparkling blue eyes, dark features, and a genuinely beautiful face. We started talking, and later that evening he came back with a small piece of paper in his hand, visibly nervous, and said it was for me. He had written that he would love to invite me out. I said yes, and we went out the next day. At first, his looks caught my attention. But neither of us expected how much we had in common. It felt like meeting a male version of myself, almost like a mirror. We both paint, love the same horror movies, listen to the same music, and the chemistry between us felt intoxicating. On our second date, we kissed for hours without it leading to sex – just music playing in the background, long eye contact, and this feeling of deep intimacy. It felt surprisingly emotional and safe so quickly. We built a strong sense of closeness and safety with each other. I’ve never met a man who shares the same love language as me. He is affectionate, holds me, and surprises me with small, personal, thoughtful gifts that actually mean something. He makes me feel easy to love. We both love traveling, and quite spontaneously we went to Prague together. The weekend felt natural and light, almost cinematic – standing in the metro sharing his music through one pair of headphones, looking at each other like we were in a movie. I felt like we wanted each other equally, and for once, I didn’t feel anxious or worried. He then had to go on a business trip to LA and invited me to join him, but I couldn’t because of work. After that, he was going back to his home country for Christmas. So after only two months of seeing each other, we were facing being apart for about six weeks. Before he left, he sent me this message: “It’s too bad there is no time. Actually, I did want to talk to you. You know when we went to Prague I briefly talked about having a bad year and a bad breakup, etc., and I would just like to tell you more about it. I don’t want to scare you at all – just since we are getting closer to each other, I want to open up a bit more and be transparent. That’s all. But I’d prefer to do that face to face. It’s important to me that there is no miscommunication, and that can quickly happen through text. Again, it sounds serious, it’s not, but I want to make sure to be transparent with you and share what has been going on emotionally in my life before I met you.” Around the same time, there was a smaller but uncomfortable episode that also stuck with me. He got an eye infection and joked that it must have come from going down on me, even though I had no symptoms and there was no medical reason for that conclusion. When I tried to explain that eye infections can come from many everyday sources and that it felt uncomfortable to have my body indirectly blamed, he continued to joke about it instead of really acknowledging how it made me feel. It might sound minor, but it left me feeling a bit objectified and not fully respected in that moment. When we finally saw each other again after six weeks, we were both excited like kids. We had bought Christmas gifts for each other. Coincidentally, we had both bought each other movie posters. I gave him a bracelet, which he put on immediately and even wore to a job interview. He calls me “Tinkerbell” because I’m very petite, and he had bought me a necklace with her, which I found really sweet. The next day, while walking in the forest, he opened up. He told me about two long relationships: one of seven years with a partner who was very depressed and whom he took care of, and another of two years where they lived together. Both relationships were open. He said he doesn’t believe he can be in a monogamous relationship and that he can’t see an attractive woman without wanting to sleep with her. He joked about it in a casual way, and although I laughed along in the moment, something heavy started to build inside me. He told me he wasn’t ready to give “us” a label and that he still wanted the option to sleep with other people. He also said that even if we became official one day, this would likely still be something he would want. When we got back home that day, I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. I opened up about my ex and about the abortion I went through, so he could understand how deeply I long for stability, commitment, and the possibility of having a family one day. He was kind and comforting in that moment. But I didn’t sleep that night. The next day, I told him we needed to talk about all of this. I told him I wished he had shared his views on non-monogamy much earlier – on the first date, the second date, or even in a message before he left for so long. By then, I was already emotionally invested. And even though I was really starting to fall for him, I didn’t see the point in continuing to see each other if we ultimately want very different things in life and in relationships. He started crying and said the thought of losing me hurt him. He said he didn’t expect to meet someone like me and that being with me had made him question his “rules.” He said he is usually lonely even when he is with other people, but that he never feels lonely with me. He said he sleeps best when I’m lying next to him. And I felt the same – waking up in someone’s arms felt safe and grounding. We agreed that we both needed time to think. The following week, we saw each other again, and everything still felt wonderful between us. He told me he had mentioned me to his colleagues, and one of them had even joked that he should marry me because I seemed so sweet. He then asked me about my preferences in rings, which emotionally confused me. Later, we agreed to take a pause. I told him I don’t want to change him, and that I don’t think he would be happy suppressing his needs, only for it to resurface later in a relationship. At the same time, I know I wouldn’t be happy in an open relationship or in something where he agrees to monogamy just for my sake, only for me to get hurt later when we’re deeply in love. Since we agreed to take this pause, he has still been reaching out in ways that confuse me emotionally. He told me he has ordered a small gift for me “so that I won’t forget him.” He has also talked about our plans to go to Italy being moved to next year and told me that I should save some of my vacation days for later this year so we can travel together. He has invited me to join him on a trip to New York and even said that if I went with him, he would “fall completely in love” with me. This is what leaves me deeply confused: on one hand, he says he isn’t ready for a committed, monogamous relationship and wants the option to be with others. On the other hand, he talks about future trips, shared plans, and expresses very intense feelings toward me. It feels like mixed signals, and I don’t know how to emotionally place myself in that dynamic. The idea that he feels a strong need to be with other women scares me. I’m afraid that even if he one day chooses me and says he wants to be with me, it might just be a matter of time before those urges return – especially when everyday life sets in. He told me I am “not the type you just date, but the type you marry.” He said he has never been sure about children before, but that with me he could suddenly see everything. We were both very emotional. He appreciated that I was understanding and told me that there is nothing “wrong” with him. I told him I value that he wants to work on himself and even talk to a psychologist about this. We agreed not to rush into anything and to let it take the time it needs. Still, everything in me wants to continue, to hope that I might be “enough,” because we feel so incredibly compatible and connected. At the same time, I’m trying to stay realistic and honor my own boundaries. I’m proud of myself for stating them clearly and early, but I’m still deeply conflicted. He brought color back into my life. With him, I feel extremely safe and loved, and I can be 100% myself – my weird, creative, emotional self – and he meets me there. But I do not want a future where we meet in swinger clubs, swap partners, or where he says: “If I meet a beautiful woman in a bar and we flirt, I want to follow that through.” I told him that of course I experience desire too, but if there is someone at home who loves me and trusts me, then I choose to say no. So my question is: Do you think people like this can truly change their core needs around monogamy? Or is it more realistic – and healthier for me – to walk away now before I get even more emotionally attached and eventually hurt? Any honest advice or similar experiences would mean a lot to me. Thank you for reading.

Either this is a dealbreaker for you, or it isn't. It doesn't appear to be because you're still with him. So what does it buy you to stick around to play detective and monitor the conversations of another adult? Either you're both equal in the relationship and each deserving of trust and peace, or you're appointing yourself as the family dictator who must screen the phone of another adult? You're making your own cage and your own hell. That's on you. Let us know how we can help.

I've never heard anyone advise that blindness and trust somehow go together for any kind of successful outcome. While I've seen lots of suggestions to walk away, they've each addressed a specific context, which you haven't given. If you'd care to elaborate, maybe we can be of more help in that sense. In cases where a relationship is not open and intimate enough for honest communication, which can discuss care and concern between partners who view themselves as being on the same side, rather than as suspicious adversaries who lapse into accusatory confrontations, then that alone speaks of an unhealthy dynamic that doesn't serve anyone. Either a relationship can meet your needs and desires for a shared future, or it cannot. If you find yourself unable to communicate with a partner in ways that help you determine this, then that fact alone tells you your answer, regardless of how trust-worthy a given partner might actually be.

Not knowing what? Truth about what? Unless you provide some details about what happened we can’t say whether trusting or walking away was the best solution in your case.

I’m a 29M and recently came out of a long-term relationship. Something I keep reflecting on is how the hardest part wasn’t even what may or may not have happened — it was the uncertainty. That constant feeling something might be wrong, but not having clarity… it slowly drains your peace, your focus, even your sense of self. Some people say trust blindly. Others say walk away. But I wonder — is not knowing actually the hardest part? For those who’ve been through this, did finding the truth (even if painful) bring peace? Or did uncertainty linger either way? I’m genuinely curious how others deal with this mentally and emotionally.