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Depressed people are not relationship material. No amount of love can cure them. Just the opposite. It positions you as a doormat to be taken for granted, and after that, even if the depression gets treated, they've lost all respect for you for catering to their lack of reciprocation. Pull back, leave her alone, and if she ever heals to a point of reflection and appreciation for you, she knows how to reach you to let you know. Meanwhile, date other people and find someone inspiring who can match your energy.

I don't think her fundamental behavior would be different. She is clearly dishonest, i.e. she tells you what she thinks you want to hear even if it's not true. Secondly, she is dismissive and disrespectful of you: she doesn't seem to actually care what you think or feel. Thirdly, she seems to have difficulty accepting reality when it's at odds with what she wants. I don't think being younger would have changed these things about her.

I understand you are hurting but this woman is not stable enough to be a parent. Imagine a child getting caught up in her many moods, twisted words, and about-faces. You're an adult and you are you left confused and hurting. You'll be ok in time. A child would not be.

Her side would be to say ‘I’ve never said I don’t want to get married to you’ although she has many times in a roundabout way. I explained to her it’s embarrassing as I’m not talking about getting married this second I just want to gauge if it’s something you believe in the future as I wouldn’t want to have kids and not get married. I naturally wouldn’t mention marriage, it’s something when you know you know and both people are comfy. She even referred to marriage as ‘just a piece of paper’ before. The fact she has been married before shows she hasn’t always believed that, and it’s just that she wouldn’t want to marry me. The only reason I even brought up marriage is because of kids and the things she would say. Usually you can go from a breakup as an adult but there is a lot of things I don’t understand. Like the arguments. She would say ‘ I love you very much’ then next day start a serious argument because I wished happy new year at 11.30 as I was in church instead of midnight. It makes me believe that she started a lot of fights in recent months to get rid of me. I know she has depression but I’m guessing there is more I will never know about her. Im now in a position I don’t really want anything surface level with someone as life is too short. But I’m seeing it is very very difficult to get to a point to even have the serious things in life (marriage kids). The last time I dated before this, she was 23 and 31 I think it lasted 2 months. She wanted to be bf/gf after 3/4 dates and I was skeptical as didn’t know too well. She had a breakdown because she didn’t get a good grade on masters degree, ignored me for two days and then said she isn’t in the place to date anymore. Im not just picking anecdotes, I’m seeing that a lot of relationship stuff I’ve gone through is influenced by things even beyond my control. Everyone has different coping mechanisms/regrets etc. if my ex was 30 instead of 40, maybe some of her behaviors would have been different. She couldn’t see how things came across. She said in December, can we agree to try for a baby and if it hasn’t happened by may/june, let’s do investigations. But on the same hand, we are just bf/gf for a short time and no commitment has actually been shown to me. And as seen, my fear was right. This could be worse if she is pregnant as she would just leave with the kid. She has deleted my number again for attention. I’m just done.

Aside from the two of you having completely incompatible plans for the order of babies/marriage, whats her side of the story?

to fall in love requires that you know your partner for some time, its a process that comes gradually. For me its simple, you can't fall in love with someone who's "worse" than your ex, you're looking for something equal in every sector, what are your own rigid preferences? and what didnt your wife fullfil? I cant believe you didnt know what you wanted at the age of 47. Everything matters, even if my first relationship was that short , I understood myself completely and saw exactly all the things that matter to me. I dont want to enter to the new age trend of trying different partners , it scares me, its not for me, I cant deal with another break up, I prefer to wait and find the one that fits the standards of ideal partner, this is what church says anyways

superficial? its a different lifestyle, even poor people nowadays dont have spiritual ideas, richer ones have so different way of thinking and expriences, we have nothing in common with them, she has grown up living on easy mode in everything, brand new cars yachts big houses unlimited choices, I'm sorry I don't belong there. Its a major incompatibility, core qualities are very dependend to the social background, its also the male egoism and of course the comparison with my ex. Its a lot of things that schemed this belief

What is stressing me out is usually there is two sides to a story but her side doesn’t make sense. She would fall out with me for basically even breathing. The first 6 months were blissful, so I’m thinking which one is the real her. You’re the same age as me, you know how stressful dating is. It’s not that I settled, I thought things were good at first and because the arguments were over little things, I thought they could be fixed. Although, they weren’t little as everything was poised negatively. For example, her flat she is renting she has to renew by August, and on one hand she was expressing dissatisfaction with me on many levels, another hand she will say I’m waiting for you to ask me to move in etc. So she basically wanted to move in and try for kids and even go down IVF route, however when it came to marriage (which I clarified I don’t mean right this second) she would have all sorts of excuses. A random thing happened recently where she would say ‘I don’t want to run two households’ I’m not going to come to yours and put your sofa cover back on or cook or do anything. I never asked her to do these things and when she did do them I thought it was out of affection. I felt very uncomfortable as I don’t ask anyone for anything, then for her to do stuff and then almost begrudgingly make a bizarre point about not doing that stuff. Something has definitely gone on with her. Im now at the worst point in my dating life. I don’t go around dating people in their 40s, I’ve dated people in their 20s and 30s. I date people I get along with. But I am juxtaposing this with another person I dated in her 40s, lovely woman, never had an argument but she said to me that she unlikely can have more biological kids at this age, but would be willing to adopt with me. Both situations are very different in terms of people’s attitude and I guess overall kindness, but still if I say I want kids and marriage and do the opposite or something which makes it unlikely or stressful I guess I am to blame.

I don’t know why I’m feeling so bummed out. I felt tempted to contact her and speak things through. As you’ve said, it would only be a temporary truce. I usually like to reflect on things, but I truly cannot see anything I did wrong. Our first minor argument in September she deleted my number (nothing rude was said by me, it was literally the day I started this thread for advice. The day she said ‘why do you always talk about work, why can’t we talk about nice things like baby names’ which wasn’t true at all and still I was talking about something critical with work. What I am struggling to get over is the fact she never cared at all. For example, I had a scare over Xmas which she knows as she was there (thought I was acutely unwell with a kidney issue, but turned out to be severe dehydration). I still spent 23/24 and morning of 25th December with her and she makes out I did spend any of the festive period with her and it’s me now showing up. She says this period is critical as she suffered a significant bereavement around this time, I told her from the start so did I. Yet she never takes anything I say into account and says oh you’re always sick or I don’t care about ‘excuses’. I feel more stressed than calm after this breakup.

So ask her to meet you for a coffee, then. That will tell you exactly where she stands.

You started this topic asking other people’s opinions on whether her behavior is flirty or just friendly. So far, three people told you it was just friendly and nothing indicated romantic interest in you on her side. Two out of these three people pointed out that insisting that a girl is romantically interested in you simply because she smiles at you and chats with you is a bit creepy. You’re free to listen to our opinions or ignore them. By the way, nobody here called you “crazy”, so I’m not sure who or what exactly you’re responding to when denying that.

In other words, if they aren’t Christian, then what they say to the OP is wrong, but if they are, it suddenly becomes right? I don’t think Jesus would approve of such strange moral relativism.

Falling in love is a blessing. Especially when it forces you to re-evaluate some of your preconceptions, helping you evolve. That’s a really wonderful, liberating feeling. I recently fell in love with a woman who didn’t “fit” some of my former concepts of what a great partner should be like and how a relationship should look like. In fact, at some point I found myself facing a dilemma - do I want a relationship tailored according to my rigid preferences, or do I want a relationship with her, even when some aspects of it seemed wrong to me at the time? That’s always a tough problem, but solving it, one way or another, really helps you understand yourself better, realize what you truly want, what truly matters to you. And that can’t be really just decided in advance and fixed in stone, it’s something that keeps changing and gradually takes shape as you experience various feelings and relationships steering you towards a goal you’re yet unable to see.

… possibly depriving yourself of a great relationship. Sure, it’s your choice. But please don’t fool yourself thinking that refusing to date a woman just because she is rich is some sort of a high standard testifying of your lofty moral principles. On the contrary, this is as superficial as a woman refusing to date a man just because he is poor. Standards should apply to the core qualities of the person you intend to date, not to their outer traits. For example, if you say you won’t date a person whose main goal in life is to get rich, then that would be a reasonable standard. But such a person could come from any social circle and possess any amount of wealth at any given time. Conversely, a rich person could very well have spiritual ideals that correspond to yours.

You'll find that they can be one in the same. EnjOy!

this is a curse not a blessing

I would switch the word "can't" with "won't" for accuracy. I hope you will quickly be blessed with a mad head-over-heels-in-love crush on a woman who is a few months to a few years older than you, so you can enjoy for yourself the liberation of learning the important life skill of agility.

I'll ask her, if she is rich I reject and move on

do you believe that my requirements are so hard to find that I will possibly stay alone forever? better stay alone longer and find something thats really worth it than lowering my standards and going to a relationship with a girl that isnt worth it just for the experience of being in a relationship, which other requirements do you find that are restricting me that much? I'm a Christian so I pray to God to find the "one" after my dissapointing first relationship of 1 month, a girl that will check all the boxes my ex did plus being more stable about what she wants, until that day I will be a better person overall , I'll have signifisant glowup both in character and appearance, because to choose the 10/10 girl you have to be 10/10 yourself, my ex showed me my potential, now I'll go for something even better

I don't think this is crazy, the other day she stopped by to talk 3 times, one time she brought up that she was trying to find her EX's jacket and I joked it's probably in the trashh behind you,, another time she came up asking if we had a massage gun, another time as she was leaving she stopped to talk for ten minutes. We talked about her passion for bodybuilding, she mentioned she's going to another gym for a couple months because she really wants to avoid her EX but will likely be back. We asked each other where we live and she asked about how early I have to get there. The other day she asked if I'll be in later that day around 3, that's when she'd be doing her stretches.. Ithink these are all signs of interest. I don't think I'm crazy for thinking someone who smiled at me and stopped by to talk 3 times makes me crazy, I thought this is at least curious behavior and substantially more than someone who's just being friendly does.

But it's pretty clear that she does - and lacks the courage to tell you that. This is way too much for a relationship that is only a couple months old. It's disappointing but this is not going to work out. I would bow out now and save yourself the inevitable headache that comes from dragging out a dead relationship.

It's normal for friends to talk about these things. She's talking to you exactly like how she'd talk to a friend. If you agreed to be friends, this is what you signed up for. If you don't like it, then tell her this isn't working for you and lose her number.

Really, no intent? Or hoping she'd have had a change of heart? You're seeing now why it was probably not a great idea to re-establish contact. She doesn't have a romantic interest but enjoys having you as a her guy friend. You gave her the signals you'd be okay with that but it seems it's not actually sitting well with you. That's understandable, but you're going to need to distance yourself from her if you don't want a front-row seat to her adventures as a single woman out dating men who aren't you.

There really is a very easy solution to these situations. Simply don't be chat buddies with women unless you are physically involved with them. A lot of the guys these women are sleeping with have that stance.

I hear. The mistreatment and stress were your signals not to stay. Remaining in hope of things reverting to blissful early days is a hope for the other person to put their mask back on. Even if they re-wear the mask again, it's temporary. Misunderstandings can be worked out. Mistreatment cannot.