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You probably meant to say “Better is the enemy of good”. Otherwise you’re sort of supporting my point Why would you assume that there is an endless search for better on the OP’s side? And why would you think that a relationship that doesn’t make the OP happy, which he himself doesn’t see as a future long-term commitment, can qualify as good? In the context of love, “good” means something more and something different than “being with a good person”. As a bare minimum, ”good” in a romantic relationship requires strong romantic feelings. The OP doesn’t have them towards the person he’s currently with. That would doubtless make him and her miserable if he chooses to stay. What’s the point of encouraging him to do that? This is linguistically wrong. “Settling down” simply means “choosing one person to be with”. The “down” part refers to stability, symbolically represented by things standing firmly on the ground, like trees, houses, and so on. It doesn’t have the connotations of “below” or “beneath” in this case. It’s not the same as “marrying down”.

In my country we say "Good is the enemy of better". If someone endlessly thinks they will find better, and better, and better, they will never appreciate the good that's in front of them. There's a reason marriage is called "settling DOWN".

I agree with this. I get that it feels cold, OP; but the relationship is over. Anything other than the one she used would likely have given you false hope when she's probably already working on lining up her next potential sperm donor.

This tells you there is a fundemental incompatibility between you. That would be my biggest concern, that some of our core values don't align. I also think you two are putting way too much pressure on a very new relationship. Trying to make sure he will never go back to his old ways and considering sending youself into therapy over it ...for a guy you've spent a total of two weeks with in person? Girl. Breathe and pump the brakes. It shouldn't be this distressing. It should be your cue that this might not be the right person for you, and you two are trying to force all of this too quickly. This is the stage where you assess if the other person is right for you, not try to therapize yourself into making yourself okay with who he is as a person.

It starts like this..."Can we have a talk about something that's been worrying me?", and then you calmly explain that you care deeply for her but you're not ready to make a lifelong commitment. She'll cry a lot, and you'll feel like an a*****e, but soon enough the conversation will be over and the dust will settle, and you can help her to move out and do whatever she needs to do to re-establish herself. Unsure whether you're male or female, (name suggests female), but if you're a male you need to stop sleeping with her once you've had the conversation, because some women think getting pregnant will change a man's mind about ending a relationship or that it will at least tie her to you via shared parenthood.

I guess he just thinks that swinging is perfectly fine for people in general to do, but its not something that aligns with what he wants any more, or what he wants with you. I would be similar in the sense that I don't think it's wrong if everyone is consenting, I just wouldn't see it as something to partake in in a relationship. But if a couple wants to do that then good for them. It seems to me there's almost two separate issues here: that you don't trust he doesn't want to turn your relationship into an open/swinger-friendly one, and the fact that you are uncomfortable that he ever did that in the first place. The first is just a matter of trust, the second may present more problems as there's no way he can change his past or what he was open to. If you can't shift your perspective it may be just that you are incompatible.

I doubt I'll change my mind on it as that's been something I've never agreed with in my 41 years on the planet, nor will I ever engage in that activity. I do find it a little odd that he did a 180 with me though. More than happy to share his wife with other people, but he doesn't want that with me at all. Guess it's just hard for me to wrap my mind around it and why I'm the exception for him. He told me he's more interested in the emotional relationship we have rather than a sexual one, he feels closer emotionally to me than he ever did with his wife in the 20ish years they were together. Guess I need to go to therapy and work on all this in a professional environment.

Have you never gone through a breakup before? Its quite normal and even healthy for people to block their ex on social media. And as for the tone I dont know what you are expecting. It shouldn't be conciliatory, or you will go round in circles again. Polite and detached is the appropriate tone. Just drop off the frying pan and don't put any further thought into it.

You've already tried talking to him about this and it's getting nowhere. It sounds like unfortunately he is not going to change, nor is he interested in working on this marriage. It sounds like he is just as checked out of the marriage as you are. Life is too short to be this unhappy. He needs a wake up call to know how serious this is. Tell him that you want him to go to marriage counseling with you, and if he refuses to do that then the next step will be separation. You shouldn't waste your life being this unhappy. Either you both make a genuine effort to work on this marriage, or end it.

That is definitely a bigger problem. You aren’t just bothered by his past due to retroactive jealousy or some such, you’re passing an ethical judgment on it. I don’t know if this helps, but these views can change. I also used to think that swinging was morally wrong, but now I don’t think so. This is a separate issue, that of trust. It is quite possible that he doesn’t consider swinging morally wrong but is genuinely not interested in pursuing that lifestyle with you.

She doesn't sound shy; she sounds neighborly. Not noticing you at some point doesn't necessarily imply avoidance; it can mean a focus on something else. However, I do try to avoid even my best neighbors when I have something on my mind or when I'm in a hurry and don't have time to chat. That's not a reflection on anyone; it's simply not a good time to engage.

Instead of pulling away as punitive punishment for what you're not getting, which won't resolve anything but will only drill you deeper into a sulk, consider telling him that you've been trying to speak with him about a problem you're having with a lack of affection, and you consider this to be serious enough to either pursue marriage counseling or a separation. You'd like to offer him the option of addressing it with you. See what he says.

My question to you is why have you not blocked her? No contact is the fastest path to recovery. You prolonged the non-relationship unnecessarily before this, and now you're prolonging your pain unnecessarily. Leave the pan on the porch, tell her that, and then block her. Or frankly just block her.

The fact that you have already said "I know what I have to do", that you are thinking this strongly about breaking up with her, shows without a doubt that this isn't the right relationship for you. No one would ever be saying that about a person who they are truly in love with and compatible with.

This is true. He and I talked last night, he still feels that swinging is morally fine while I disagree. He and I will never see eye to eye on that. He told me he wants the monogamy and the emotional closeness with me and that the idea of sharing me with others makes him very upset and he'll leave me if I so much as kiss someone else. He says he doesn't want to kiss others either. More my issue is just keeping the intrusive thoughts out and trying to reconcile his past. This I think is more of a me issue than a him issue. I think it's mostly just I'm truly concerned that he will go back to old ways. I don't want to keep bringing up his past and want to try to focus on my future with him if we have one. I've never had a partner who's sexual past has bothered me so this one is difficult. I'm just at a loss.

You don't have to feel 'nothing' for a partnership to be wrong for you, just as feeling love and admiration for a close friend doesn't mean you want to marry them. You didn't feel this kind of hesitation before living together, but now you're getting a taste of what the day-to-day feels like. This, along with her assumptions that moving in together is a stepping stone toward a lifetime commitment, can be your basis for raising the issue. I'd say that living together has shown you that you both seem to envision different paths for the future. See where that lands and where the discussion takes you.

I'd just leave it on the porch on my way to work, text her that it's out there, then block her. If it's still there when I get home, I'd go run some errands and hope she picks it up before I return.

She sounds delusional, to put it frankly. Her odds of conceiving naturally at age 40 are under 5% in any given cycle and then, if she does conceive, the odds of a miscarriage are 40%. While it's not impossible for her to conceive a healthy baby, the odds are overwhelmingly not in her favor. My guess is that her comment that you did not show enough commitment had to do with whether you were willing to pony up the money for IVF, which is quite expensive (and no guarantee). As for the frying pan, I am struggling to understand how this can be a sentimental item. It seems more likely that she is trying to engage you, whether that's so she can have another senseless argument or try to win you back. She likely understands that she is pretty much out of time on the baby-making front and sees you as her best shot at success. So leave the thing on the porch or in another location where you do not have to see her and then block her yourself so you do not get more contrived messages in the future.

She messaged me last night (after unblocking me, which was pathetic blocking me in the first place) to say that could I kindly return the frying pan she gave me which is sentimental to her, she said I can leave it in my porch and we don’t have to see each other. She said she doesn’t care about the other stuff which has gone on. I was in a period of quiet acceptance and trying to move on and now I feel even worse. The tone of the text, the fact she blocked me for no good reason in the first place. The fact that things have come to this. I don’t know what to respond, I don’t really want to think about this at the moment and when she gave me the frying pan, I never used it ever as I knew this would happen. It was her brothers frying pan and I said at the time not to give it to me. Not sure how to respond. Her message wasn’t even conciliatory it says : Good evening, I’m sorry to message but I was wondering if it’s possible to get the pan. I’m hoping you understand the importance of it, I don’t mind getting it whenever suits you it can be left on the porch and we don’t need to see each other. I’m really not bothered about what’s gone on or anything else.

Yes and I don’t want to be a baby daddy. I don’t know why she is so willing and almost forceful about having kids saying ‘let’s make a concerted effort to try and by may if I’m not pregnant let’s get testing done, I’m old I need a plan’. She said I didn’t show any commitment apart from having unprotected sex with her and I don’t know what other commitment I was supposed to show at that stage?! I’m guessing she means letting her move in. This is how she manipulates, for example, she said to me at around 4/5 months of dating her colleague said ahh you’ve been together for 4/5 months and you haven’t moved in together?? Like it is standard or normal to move in together that quick. I am tired of people wanting to move in with me, it only benefits them. If they say let’s get a place TOGETHER that’s totally different and would actually mean something to me. I am torturing myself thinking about how things could be different and she probably doesn’t even care one bit, so don’t know why I’m losing sleep.

It’s not that I feel nothing for her, I truly care about her. I just want to make the right decision. I’m getting conflicted with what you guys are saying versus some other people that say don’t fall for the “grass is greener on the other side” or the 80/20 rule

This. I'm happily married and I truly cannot imagine putting in all that effort and commitment for a person whom one feels nothing for. It's like the difference between working a job that you enjoy and feel interested in, versus working a job that you dislike. Yes it's going to be work regardless, but the former feels like constructive labor, whereas the latter just feels like throwing your life away. The fact that marriage is hard is an excellent reason to be MORE selective about whom you marry, not less.

It really is as simple as that. It's fine for you to be thinking about it carefully, since it's a major life decision, but if the thought of spending your life with this person just brings you a sinking feeling in your stomach instead of incredible happiness... they're not the one for you.

He was definately more affectionate when we were dating but somewhere along the line he became not so much at all and it seems to be since we got married. Just so hard when you’re trying your best to be a great wife.

I just matured into considering the implications I didn't see when I was younger. If someone is disloyal, toward anyone, then they own the capacity for disloyalty. Aside from being an ugly character trait that makes them un-trust-worthy, it also means they're likely to turn it against YOU at some point when your guard is down and your back is turned. That's a high-stress way to live. In making choices about the kind of life I envision for myself, suffering such a lack of peace does not fit that vision.