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we talked about it a couple of times and he says i was always his Nr. 1, Hannah was just a "test" for him to understand his own feelings. And that he would not start a relationship with me if he was not sure that i am the One...

Yes, I have to agree. I'm sorry, OP.

Honestly, from someone who's been on the receiving end of a lot of app messages, the coffee idea is genuinely good. It's low pressure and it shows you actually want to meet them, not just chat forever in the app. A lot of people appreciate that directness. The hardest part is just starting, and I think the best openers are ones that reference something specific from their profile rather than a generic "hey." Even one small detail shows you actually looked. Then, if the conversation feels natural after a few messages, just ask. Something like "I'd love to grab a coffee sometime if you're up for it" is pretty hard to overthink. You've got this!

He isn't interested in a second date. Keep it moving forward. Edited to add: You didn't ask if anyone has any ideas why he isn't interested but if you are looking for guesses, there's primarily one- and only one main reason why a person isn't interested in a first date and to most experienced dates it's no surprise. Well it is a surprise, that's the whole point.

I'm not disagreeing with you.

That you like the architectural history, and that their country is interesting is not a reason to date someone

You're only telling her as revenge. If I were in her shoes, I'd give the ex-OW a thorough dressing down right there on the doorstep

I see a man making excuses to save his own skin, a man who lacks the maturity to take real accountability for his own behaviour.

I don't get what you're saying here. You were relieved that she didn't have a casual attitude towards sex yet you were disturbed by it?

Does this sound like something a well-adjusted, emotionally healthy and stable person would say?

And now you will have to find a way to live with it. It would be very unwise to stick your nose into their marriage any further, especially because you work with him. This is going to be an important lesson moving forward - make better decisions before you get yourself into a mess rather than trying to undo damage later on.

It's none of your business what the why needs to know. And you're being dishonest here. You don't care about the wife's wellbeing. You want to tell the wife to crack back at married guy for dumping you. No, you ran the risk of getting involved with a married person, that's on you. In fact, to say dating a married person is a "risk" is wrong. It's 99 percent guaranteed never to result in a long-term relationship. OK, I just checked AI and it said rough estimates are only 3 to 10 percent of people marry their affair partner. And of those that do, the overwhelming number of those marriages fail.

Don't even think about it. Don't. Move on to next woman. You do NOT want a woman who needs you to bully her. You take her words seriously and you'll end up feeling insecure about not being a bully. You just ran into bad luck. And she's trying to mess with your head. Move on. And don't even think about well maybe, I should be more bullying. No! That way lies insanity.

There are people who are sexually aroused by rough treatment, and it’s completely normal. However, this applies to actual sexual scenarios. I’ve never heard of people who like to be “bullied” during the courtship phase. I might be mistaken, but I think that, even if she is really into BDSM as a sub, she used that as an excuse to reject you. The real reason is probably much simpler - she isn’t attracted to you.

Well, I do see a difference, but not in your favor. Your wife should have admitted her affair(s) if they indeed took place. However, considering the fact that she only slept with other men after you had repeatedly urged her to sleep with other men in spite of her initial reluctance to do so, we’re talking more of a mutual failure of communication on a grand scale than just a simple case of deceit. On the other hand, your incredibly lengthy, on-and-off, full-fledged, highly emotional and also sexual affair, which had started independently of all the above events and which you’re still obsessed with, is clearly a total marriage-breaker regardless of how you look at it and a much bigger issue overall. Both of your threads are basically constructed like defense speeches intending to diminish your affair and augment the affairs of your wife. Even if the two affairs were equally grave, it is a distorted narrative. I’m not saying this to offend you, but as someone who, sadly, has done this kind of thing before and knows how self-destructive self-delusion can be. As terribly hard as it is, you must learn how to be fair and impartial in such cases.

Indeed. The simple fact that he is cheating on his chosen life partner with you, perhaps the mother of his children, speaks volumes about the man. And signing emails to another female coworker “xx” - The double standard in affairs is unfair, don’t you think? Just imagine how his wife feels? When men speak their truth and show us who they really are, we must believe them.

Because you work with the man, I would not tell his wife. It would be different if you would have no other contact with them, no fear of reprisal. But, this is your livelihood, your security. For that reason, I would walk away. For all you know, she is aware and she has chosen to stay with the man. You just have no idea how she will respond to this news. I too agree that it’s disingenuous to tell his wife only after the affair has ended. While I personally would want to know, I would find your motives questionable and you would lack credibility.

Chances are he isn't interested but just in case contact him again and bring up getting together again and see how/if he replies. You'll have your answer then.

Been on a date recently, we went to a restaurant. He paid and opened the doors for me. He asked me before the date if I'd prefer a hug as a greeting, just a handshake, or no touch at all as he wanted me to feel comfortable. We went for quite a long walk afterwards. We hugged for hello and goodbye. After we parted he texted me saying to let him know when I'm home. I let him know. The next day I decided to text him. I said I had a good time and added a question about whether he logged me out of a job search website (he let me use his laptop to edit my resume as a small favour), as I forgot to log out. He reacted with a heart emoji to the 'good time' bit and said he logged me out. Since then we've been silent for like four days already. He's been active on social media. I wanna see him again but I don't know if he wants to. Should I just leave it? Some people advice me to message him again but I'm not convinced that's a good idea..

So, apparently we're not going to agree on this, EPI. I'm just not sure where/why/how you're not seeing any difference in the situations here. My W knows of my EA w ex-AP. She asked and I told her. To be fair and fully honest, not, not of EA-2 or of A-3. I get the latter is not nothing and is therefore deception (by omission, as you point out). But she knows and I have paid a long, dear price for it. And it was 97% EA, not sex. My W on the other hand has had a minimum of 2 sexual As, one a fling, and one for nearly 2 years. The latter was while I was away and arguably w a Hall Pass, but upon my return, she wanted to continue the A and even referred to continuing it as "cheating." TBH, I don't even know for sure when she stopped w him. When questioned, she has flatly denied both of these, multiple times. If one uses the "tip of the iceberg" analogy, these are only the ones I know about without a doubt. I know of other possibilities, but do not have enough evidence to include them in this discussion. You don't see any distinction to be made in our level/degree of infidelity and dishonesty with these facts? I know, one can say any level is not good - no such thing as a little bit pregnant - but her secret life, transgressions, and bald faced dishonesty when asked far exceeds mine. Yes, I realize in a perfect world and M, there are NO secrets. I'm not claiming my secret about two additional contact periods is ok or a good thing - it isn't. But her infidelities and lying denials are an unopened and festering wound that won't heal without the truth. Getting that into the open is a justifiable and reasonable step without blowing up the entire marriage in the process.

I've been talking to this girl for months, we've spent a lot of time watching movies and playing video games together. I started to really like her, and I let her know almost exactly a month ago. It wasn't reciprocated, but she asked me to not change the way I treated her, so I kept my word. The more I got to know her this past month, the more I liked her, and last night the topic came up again. Basically, she rejected me because I don't bully her. She likes to be bullied, to the point that it turns her on, and it's non-negotiable for her in a relationship. I told her I could try it. She said it wouldn't work if I don't actually do it. Any advice?

She should've always known. I should have told her ages ago. I’ll admit that

Yet you were okay with this when he paid more attention to you. No?

So? That does not justify demading the truth from her while hiding his own affair and lying by omission.

There is something disingenuous about wanting to tell the wife once an affair has run its course or, as in this case, the MM has cast his eye elsewhere. Where was the desire to make the wife "be made aware of what a disloyal and dishonest person her husband is" when the MM first approached you, before the affair actually started? Are you sure about that?