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Every post has been spot on.....I ditto that you are being the enabler. this is your wake up call....they are like gypsies....these people pray upon the innocent, and compassion of others. You are naive to their workings on how they have been surviving. They don't want to work a day in their life. This is a generational issue that will never change. You cannot fix this. Yes the depression/anxiety is a contributor for sure...but the way they cope is by bamboozling the good will of others. He's manipulating you with being all sweet and caring...he knows this keeps you around. You are in a terrible situation...you need to walk away. So for the love of god cut them off and disappear. All you are to them is a meal ticket. you are being taken advantage of! Get the F out of there.

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My heart goes out to you. His family is rallied around him, as that's where their loyalties lie. Either he came to his own conclusion upon reflection or they vetted it out of him to ensure his future happiness. While the timing is awful, the outcome is also in your best interests. It's hard to see that right now, and your grief is natural. Once you heal, you'll be able to see how going through with this would have landed you in worse misery so far from home. Please feel free to write more, and I hope we can help.

A healthy person would not have entered this relationship in the first place. The point of dating is to learn whether a potential match is good relationship material. This guy was not. That's not going to change. He will agree to change, but he will always have excuses, and he will always be dependent on you for as long as you stay with him. Nobody enjoys breakups, but millions of people do it every day. You don't need a good enough reason. You can simply say the relationship isn't working for you and wish him the best. Move forward to find a better match. Work with a therapist if you have trouble with this.

You should never have started giving him or his family money. That is a complete lack of boundaries and allowing them to take advantage of you. That is not how a healthy relationship works. You need to find your self-respect and stop letting people take advantage of you like this. You use a lot of euphemisms but it sounds like he doesn't work. I don't doubt that this guy is emotionally giving and loving, but if that's all he has to offer then that's not enough. It's really concerning that you have such a lack of boundaries... you never should have let yourself become him and his family's source of financial support. Especially not at just a year of dating. You need to end this relationship and develop way better boundaries for the future.

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At this point, you have become his enabler. I don't doubt he has some qualities you are attracted to, but this is way too much enmeshment - especially when you have only been together for a year. He has not shown you he is capable or willing to be an adult, and he lets you cater to him and parent him. This is not loving of him. It is him taking full advantage of you. It is one thing to be there for someone who is going through hard times. It is another to facilitate their stagnation when the person doesn't take the necessary steps to make progress. I personally would be able to respect him at this point, and as such, I would not be able to continue the relationship. I would not sign up to wait around and see if he ever changes.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about a year. When we met, he had just graduated and was going through a difficult phase in his life. He comes from a financially unstable background: an absent father who provides no support, and a single mother with a very limited and inconsistent income. I’m sharing this only to give context, not to judge. From early on, I noticed a pattern of financial and emotional dependence. He had no stable income, relied on friends to get by, was often in debt, and over time started leaning on me as well. I raised this concern many times, encouraging him to look for work and to build independence. Each time, there would be brief efforts or intentions, but they never lasted. After almost a year, the situation hasn’t meaningfully changed. In parallel, I became deeply involved in supporting his family, especially his mother. I helped financially, cooked, cleaned, assisted with her work, and was present almost daily. I did this out of care and love, not obligation. Over time, however, I started feeling that my help was expected rather than appreciated, and that boundaries were being crossed. When I tried to pull back, I felt guilty and emotionally pulled back in. Emotionally, my boyfriend is affectionate and expressive. He shows love and care, and this is what has kept me invested. At the same time, he struggles with depression, anxiety, and a strong sense of being “stuck.” During the relationship, and especially around our breakup, he placed much of the responsibility for his emotional pain on me. While I acknowledge my flaws, I don’t believe I’m responsible for his mental health or life circumstances. We did break up at one point because he felt he wasn’t able to provide emotionally or financially and said he wasn’t in the right place for a relationship. That period of distance made me reflect deeply. When we reconnected, he came back with a lot of affection and reassurance, but I also realized that the core issues , lack of direction, financial instability, avoidance of responsibility were still there. What I’m struggling with now is this tension: I love him, and his emotions feel genuine, but love hasn’t translated into consistent action or long-term change. I’m afraid of staying in a dynamic where I’m emotionally supportive, financially helpful, and mentally strong for both of us, while he remains comfortable in his stagnation. I’m trying to learn how to keep my warmth without sacrificing my standards, how to support without carrying, and how to love without losing myself. Part of me wants to wait and see who he becomes if he ever gains stability and independence. Another part of me wonders if waiting itself is already a choice that comes at my expense. I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who’ve been in similar situations: how do you know when patience turns into self-abandonment? And how do you decide whether to stay, step back, or walk away when love exists but growth doesn’t seem to follow?

Contact your local hospital's Human Services department for a referral to a social worker who can help you access all available resources, including legal aid. You obviously need a defense against assumed diminishment of your property share, but you also need advisement in terms of your best options for staying versus relocating. Without expert input, you're operating on emotions or assumptions rather than real, objective information. Why insist on doing that? Why not double-check your choices since they bring you disharmony and misery?

Consider substituting a guy friend with whom you have no romantic or sexual attraction. If he treated you this way, regardless of any prior shared intimate conversations, would you still have hung around for 2 hours and still hold hope to continue such an imbalanced friendship? Don't blind yourself with fantasy in the face of an ugly reality. This person takes you for granted, and the best course to take is to walk away. No further conversation will instill respect for you that doesn't exist. You might get 'yessed' if you raise a fuss, but that's just to pacify you to continue your support as a groupie who doesn't require payment for knocking yourself out for nothing. Forget red flags, this was a giant neon sign that says, "Nobody respects a person who does not respect himself." This doesn't require you to engage any drama but rather, to walk away with a valuable lesson about reciprocity as a requirement for every future investment. You are a human being with unique intrinsic value. Unless and until you can view yourself through that lens, nobody else will, either. Head high, and respect yourself. You will thank yourself for this sooner rather than later.

Thank you all so much for your attention and honest replies! I had to take a step back and process it all... We spent hours talking about the difficult experiences in her life and how little support she had. I think I do this, because I would want that kind of attention for myself too. Yes, I see that clearly now. I think I've fallen into the classic trap: "I just have to prove to her how great I am!" I guess I need to learn to be clearer about my feelings, both to myself and others. Deep down I know that it's better to be upfront and communicate openly. To face the rejection and end it immediately, rather than beating around the bush for weeks and hurting each other in the process... But to be completely honest, I sometimes struggle with loneliness and fears. I think that's why I tend to keep quiet, just to maintain some unhealthy connection. Not really... She was at my place one evening to prepare the event, and because it was getting late, she ordered food for both of us. But she never explicitly asked or offered something in return for the help. Surprisingly, she recently texted me. But just to briefly ask if she still owes me money for the things we used at the event. I politely declined and did not continue the conversation either. So that just shows me even more clearly what you all said, this really can't be saved. Firstly, even if I try really hard, I can't turn my feelings off. That's just not how that works. And secondly, she really doesn't care. In my opinion, all she did there was make sure she is in the clear, so I couldn't say she left me with unpaid bills. Admit your mistakes, apologize for hurt feelings and wasted time - who cares, she certainly doesn't!

Sorry to hear that. Unfortunately you really do need a lawyer, none of us can tell you exactly what your legal options are. Family law is a vast, complex and state-dependent topic, and with this much at stake I think it would be a bad idea to take legal advice from internet forums. Can you look for lawyers that offer free initial consultations and only take payment if you win your case? Or perhaps one that is willing to help you pro bono?

What a massive jerk. I'm sorry, OP, but that's why it's generally a bad idea to uproot your life for a person you've only known in-person for 2 weeks. If it helps, he and his family sounds so fishy that I think it's probably a GOOD thing that you're finding this out now, rather than when you're already there and dependent on them. You may have dodged a bullet. Well, do you actually WANT to study in Sweden? If you do, and you can finance it (e.g. scholarships), then you should just apply for a student visa and go, but maintain no contact with him. It sounds impossible now, but I promise you that 1 year from now, you'll run into him and you'll barely blink. He'll just be another blip in the past, overshadowed by the new things you are learning and doing, and the new friends you've met. If you don't, then don't go. It sucks that you've already overextended so much financially, but surely some things can be at least partially refunded or changed? Again, he is an incredible piece of turd, but your life is NOT ruined. You are in your twenties, you have all of your life ahead of you. You are in good health, have presumably finished an undergrad program, and you have friends and family who are willing to help you. You'll recover, both emotionally and financially, and you'll be stronger than ever.

It's called the honeymoon phase... it's really really common and most people figure this out in their 20s. It typically takes at least 6-12 months to find out who someone truly is... which is exactly why it's a bad idea to get married when you haven't even been together for a year, by the way. With all due respect, what exactly do you want from us? Your post has managed to elicit a unanimous response from this forum, which is actually quite a rare feat - we don't all usually agree to this extent, yet every single poster has said that you need to leave. But yet here you are, still with her, still presumably having unprotected sex with her... What are you hoping that people will suggest?

The heroin analogy probably doesn’t work here. Maybe the alcohol analogy is better. It is totally possible for a former alcoholic to enjoy a glass of good wine or any other high quality alcohol in moderation. The problem isn’t the alcohol, it’s the addiction.

Funny you say that . I have CBD. I didn't want to take it because I didn't want to drown my emotions and just have worse ones later . I also started taking it during our relationship to help with sleep occasionally and I didn't want to do anything that reminded me of her. I also don't want to impair my mental state and do something foolish like message her The thing is, most of the stuff I like to do is stuff I like to do with my partner .. traveling even little day trips, going to zoos, going to the casino, going on walks in the park, trying new restaurants, watching documentaries and tv shows, going to the mall I can do that stuff alone but it's much more enjoyable with another person I cope now with walking.I usually just walk and walk. Go to the mall and walk around. Go to the grocery store and walk . Go home for a few minutes and realize I can't bear it and then go back to the mall and walk. Go over to my moms house and talk to her a bit while I pace. My life right now is literally just trying to make it through the next 10 minutes at a time, I feel like if I stop moving I'll suffocate on the weight of my pain. It's the most crippling thing I've ever experience. It feels like my heart is constantly wailing and crying and I'm going to drown on my own tears from the inside I don't even feel like an I . I feel like I used to be something and when she left she took it all with her and now my body and mind are broken and I can't talk I can't swallow I can't catch a breath and I can't sleep I can't think , everything I am or was is now broken and I am just a pair of eyes looking down over the pulverized and broken pieces of bone and remains that used to be me. I am nothing anymore, there's nothing in me but regret and agony. I miss her so badly. I always feel sick and like I'll throw up. It feels like my soul and body are dead but my heart didn't stop beating. It feels like I'm buried alive under the pile of my failure and loss and her absence and everything I should've and could've done differently. It's all crushing me and I have to scratch and claw every minute just to get the most insignificant amount of space so that my lungs can grab a tiny amount of air. Just enough to give me enough energy to fight for another small breath I don't want to go on

I understand how being heartbroken can lead to a downfall in your life and interests. I've talked about this here. What else in your life is interesting? How's your job? What interests or hobbies do you pursue? This would be a good time to go all in on those things. Do more on that track - try jogging for 3 laps, then 5, then go on until you have to sit down. Read books, learn things...make a ritual out of it. Because I know you don't want to do these things now, but you have to distract yourself. You have to fill that hole in your life that she left with something, and it might as well be these things. I don't know if CBD is legal where you live, but you should try it. It saved my life once.

I will talk to my therapist about options when I go next week. I think I am starting to see why my relationships fail. I put too much into these women. I need their love so badly that every single little issue and thing they do that could be seen as them not caring about me immediately sets off alarms in my nervous system and I become worried, anxious, jealous, sensitive. And it's like even if I'm not yelling at them or being mean to them for those feelings I have, they can still tell something is off. And it starts putting a weird pressure and tension on the relationship where they feel like they can't breathe under my relentless standards and need to feel loved Man this is sad. I am responsible for driving the people I love away. It's my fault and even if they played their part there is no chance reconciliation and a healthy relationship is or wouldve been possible when I'm so hopelessly dependent on love and their attention and affection that the slightest perceived lack of care or love sets me on a downward spiral emotionally and mentally. There are times even a YEAR AND A HALF into our relationship where I'd text her and she didn't respond for 2 or 3 hours and I'd be so bitter and resentful about it. It meant she didn't care or love me. But because I knew it was weird and wrong that I was mad she didn't text me for 2 hours I couldn't come out and say Im mad you didn't text me so it would come out in sort of passive aggressive ways where I'd just act distant or off and she'd feel this tension but not know what was up. And I think over time this sort of thing happening with lots of different issues probably made her feel like some sort of convict in a strange prison where she couldn't really see the bars or even tell you exactly why she was in prison but it was real all the same God I was terrible. What a nightmare I must be to love and be in a relationship with. She was right to leave me

Would you rather it was his wife that felt like you. This was a terrible own goal, but take away the lesson so you don’t get into this situation again.

Yeah, this is definitely not just an issue of a breakup. You have some very deep mental health issues that make it so you will not be able to have a healthy relationship until you get yourself properly diagnosed and stable. I know therapists can be hit or miss. Are you under the care of an actual psychiatrist? That's what you need, not just a therapist. Although you should definitely be seeing a therapist too.

So it's kind of a paradox..I am addicted to having someone and I feel desperately that I need someone in order to be happy or have a purpose in life. If I take a long time to heal and find some happiness/contentment in myself I won't need anyone and that's exactly when I'll be able to have someone in a healthy way. Do you think there is anything to be said for what I said about I think I'm screwed because I feel like even if I take time off from intimacy and heal when I go back to dating I will fall right back into the same patterns where it consumes me and takes over ? That's what worries me. People who get off heroin have to stay off heroin. If they start using it again it will lead to disaster. If I get "clean" and then start dating again I will fall back into the same issues

Precisely! It’s great that you understand this. Of course, if you keep actively cultivating and trying to enjoy all the varied aspects of your life. I can tell you from experience, whenever you are with someone simply because you want to be with someone, because you believe that being together with anyone is better than being alone, your relationship doesn’t stand a chance. So the first thing to do is to make sure that you’re fine being single, so that your next relationship will be with someone whom you really like rather than need.

So basically I use romance as my drug. And when you tell me that I need to not have a romantic relationship for a while my initial response would be : what's the point of living if I don't have one? What would I even do with myself. Life would lose all purpose. There'd be no reason to live But that's basically the same as someone addicted to heroin being told they can't do it anymore? At first they would think life would be so bad without it that they wouldn't want to give it up or live without it. That they couldn't live without it. That's what drug withdrawal is right? It's so excruciating to detox.. so they keep doing the drug Basically if I spend time alone I will eventually get to a point where other things start having meaning to me? I can start enjoying things on my own ? I remember when I was younger and didn't have anyone I wasn't in a constant place of needing something or someone . There was always this pressure in my mind of like : what am I supposed to do with myself I don't have a partner ?!?!?! I need to find someone!!! It was just being.. go to work, come home, workout, maybe watch a show or something. But there was no lingering thoughts or compulsion of needing someone I think what happened to me is this : I found a love and it was the most incredible feeling I'd ever had. I never wanted anything else in life after that . When I lost it, I didn't properly heal. I started going from one relationship to another. Even if they weren't long term things (they could have been one or two dates , one time hookup, etc.) and I didn't even really like the girls, I was in a constant state of pursuit and trying to form connections with women. Go on a few dates , if it doesn't work keep looking for girls online, more dates. Talk to one for a month it fizzles out. Immediately contact an old girl (if I had one) while also looking for new ones . And then I met another love which lasted four years. That ended. I was so devastated but STILL remember being on dating sites almost immediately. I got out of a four year relationship with the mother of my child and within days of her telling me it was over (it might have even been the same day) I was already looking for my next connection. I could barely even stand up or breathe there was so much grief and sadness in my heart and still I was trying to find a new relationship. About four months after that four year relationship ended I met a girl and spent 1.5 years with her. That's the one that just ended. I have been in a cycle of relationships and the cultivation of relationships or the attempt to do so for almost a decade. I think if I stop pursuing relationship and try to find peace with myself I will find peace with myself. The part that worries me is that I feel like I have a fairly good grasp on myself and how I handle things generally, and like a drug addict I think that even if I spent say a year and a half alone without talking to anyone or trying to talk to anyone, as soon as I met someone I'd fall right back into the old addiction pattern. Because as I recall, when I was single and not looking as soon as I met someone I liked I immediately felt powerless and absolutely helpless to do anything else than completely surrender to her. I think I was basically on heroin and there were times where I'd just use a little and times I'd use a ton but I never got off it completely and let my body learn to regulate on its own I really need some hope right now. Do you think if I take a year or even two off from talking to people romantically that I can heal and find happiness in myself

In a twisted sort of way, your selfish destructive act backfired and solidified the breakup. Well hopefully it did. These things tend to go back and forth. He might get longely and horny and reach out to you for another quickie which to him will be nothing more but you'll be grasping at straws and see it as much more and be devastated yet again when he ghosts you. You realized he doesn't care about you and neither does she. Now you'll have the opportunity to make better choices in your life and choose a man who doesn't share his bed with his wife every night.