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I live in a third world country and I don't think I can do it and my family would never allow me He used to be caring at first but then he changed after a death in his family. He refused to take any trauma help. That's right. I live in a third world country and families wouldn't allow us to separate. I know it's an emotional blackmail but when my family hurt themselves by not taking any food or stop taking their meds, I just couldn't ignore them.

Quite simply? Because they are not as attracted or connected as they are saying. Someone who is okay letting you disappear is someone who is just not that into you. He also might be seeing someone else. Either way, this isn't someone who wants to be together. Rather than twisitng yourself in knots figuring out why, it would be wiser to start accepting that so you can move on. This was all way too much for 2.5 months anyway. Meeting families and talking about moving in so soon is a major red flag. It was fantasy-talk, not reality. This is compounded by the fact that you only spent a few days together in person. None of this was the foundation for a real relationship. Next time, don't get so carried away by the sparks and fantasy. Once all of that burns off, you are often left with nothing.

It doesn't seem likely, since they apparently also engaged in such behaviour and would effectively be reporting themselves as well. However, I have never used dating apps/FB dating, so it might be a question for their tech support instead.

For your 2nd question, Yes, he broke up with me one day after I got back (We were long distance because I was away visiting family ), before we even got to see each other in person again. I am just so confused because ten days before he broke up with me, he still said he would be comfortable fully committing when I finalize my divorce. But when he broke up with me, I asked if he would commit again once I finalize everything. He said he's not sure. And now he doesn't even want to keep me in his life. Honestly I would have felt 100% OK if he said we would reconnect after my divorce. But right now, the issue isn't my divorce anymore.

Well, first things first - you’re still legally married, right? Get a divorce first, then start planning things. Nobody will feel comfortable dating a person who is still married to someone else. Second, long-distance relationships rarely work. Did you or he do anything regarding shortening that distance? Third, it absolutely doesn’t matter that he is still attracted to you. He has made his choice, he doesn’t want a relationship with you and he is exploring other options. I don’t know why he made that decision, but I’d make the same one if I were seeing a woman who isn’t in a hurry to divorce her husband.

Why would an ex say he’s still attracted and act affectionate in person after a breakup — even after I offered a casual arrangement — but still not want to keep seeing me? He tried to cancel twice before we met, saying seeing me might make him question breaking up. In person, chemistry was still intense — Conversation, looks, touches, connection. He said he’s not ready for a relationship now and wants to focus on his career. So… if he’s still attracted and okay with casual, why is he acting distant and not taking the offer? Longer story (for context): I dated a guy (26, three years younger, possibly avoidant) for about 2.5 months. The spark was immediate. He said he didn’t want to see anyone else on the first date and asked for exclusivity on the second, as we were very aligned in life goals and lifestyles. Only spent a few days together in person (mostly physical )before going long-distance. The first month of long distance felt cinematic: deep conversations, long-term plans, late-night long video calls, meeting families, even talking about moving together. He constantly said I was “the one.” Around six weeks in, he expressed concerns about my separation and ongoing connection with my ex. Some days conflicted, some days reassured. A week before I returned, he said he just wanted to slow down, but feelings hadn’t changed; ready to fully commit once my divorce was finalized. Two days before I arrived, he admitted struggling to feel connected without proximity and wanted to reassess in person after I confronted him The day after I arrived, he broke up over the phone: wanted to explore options before settling down; “right person, wrong timeline” due to my separation. I agreed to casually get to know him and asked to meet in person. He initially avoided meeting twice, worried seeing me would make him change his mind. Eventually, we did meet. In-person: Chemistry was intense — affectionate touches, eye contact, physical and emotional connection. He said he felt connected but wasn’t ready for commitment; wanted to focus on career. He agreed to casual time together; when we kissed goodbye, he said we’d meet soon. He admitted going on dates the day after breaking up, though didn’t say if someone specific caught his interest when I asked specifically Current dynamic: Replies are short, neutral, delayed. Polite and agrees to calls but never initiates. Doesn’t engage when I leave the door open; speaks in past tense. Keeps access but puts in zero effort. My question: How can someone feel attracted, connected, and affectionate, yet be completely okay letting you disappear from their life — even when you remove pressure and offer casual arrangements? Why say you still like somebody and keep complimenting them over the phone and in person if you're not even trying to keep them as an option? What's the point? The only two explanations I can think of that he is not taking the option to keep casually seeing me are Avoiding hurting me further because he knows I care deeply, and also to avoid future complications and internal conflict. Engaged with someone else he’s more interested in, so he doesn’t have time or motive for me. What do you guys think? I’ve been devastated lying in bed for two weeks, over-analyzing his motives, feeling shocked and confused. I would’ve moved on so much faster if he hadn’t acted like he still likes me while his actions show he clearly doesn’t want me — not even as a friend.

My partner of 10 years dropped a bombshell on me a few weeks ago. He said he wanted to see a dominatrix (transactional). I said I need time to process this and told him I need the conversation parked until we work on our own relationship. A week later, he had a video call with her. He confessed the following week. He has just started therapy and has had developed a porn addiction after consistently using porn for over 20 years. I moved out 3 weeks ago and we have been talking but now, I'm beginning to see that he is not getting over this person. He said 'just let me see her, I'll do what you want'. I have offered to try various bdsm stuff...I've always done so much to try and satisfy him and he still wants this escape. He recently come to terms with his identity as submissive - I've done a lot of work to understand what this means. I've offered to learn what is needed and have offered several different compromises and solutions but he seems set on this. I understand that people hire doms to escape, he claims it runs deeper than sex. He wants the validation and as a release for control. I understand I'm part of his everyday world and can see how I can't offer the escape he desires. He says you are 95% of what I want.With the 5% being his desire to be dominated- He has been off porn for two weeks and is also off masturbating - I asked this of him because I have heard it is a way to release porn addiction. His therapist also recommends- He should do it for 90 days. A part of me hopes that after 90 days, he will deescalate but I don't know how likely that is. I feel very heavy and am flip flopping between 'it's just a transactional service- everyone deserves to be liberated' and 'it's infidelity, crossing my boundaries and he is being manipulative to get his way'. All of this was such a bombshell. Our sex life had dwindled in the last year or 2 but I put it down to work stress (he changed jobs). Up to this point, I always thought he was respectful, a good listener, a good and loyal partner. We have a strong dynamic and both see each other as best friends. I told him I'm willing to try many things with him sexually but he seems adamant on this women. It's also extra complicated because he owns our place and there is a housing crisis where I am. He seems to be split. On one hand, the communication between us has been better since this arguement happened. We are having emotional talks and he sometimes says what I want to hear I think just to ease his own guilt. He seems to already have an attachment to this women, he says it is transactional but I also said you can try it with another person but I get to handle all communication. I'm just feeling all over the place and can't think straight.I am also thinking I do not have energy for men every again if this doesn't work out. I'm in my late 30s and feel there is noone out there for me. I had so much grief with men before this and I cannot bare to go through it again. It also means my future / housing is up in the air. I will possibly have to change country which may not be so bad. I struggle to assimilate like he has here and that maybe part of the reason why he wants someone else.

You have been in this grad program for... a really long time, if I recall your past posts. How long until you graduate? Can you get an internship before you do?

Totally understandable that moving in together makes everything feel higher stakes - the stakes DO get higher compared to dating, because now one person has to uproot themselves and all their stuff. But it's also good for seeing the other person's true colors and figuring out what life with them would be like... Some of my friends are very much "no living together before marriage" people, and while I respect their religious beliefs, many of them also got absolutely blindsided once they got married and moved in together. They found out, much to their chagrin, that people behave very differently when you have to work with them to maintain a household and finances and see them every day, compared to when you're only seeing them on dates a few times a week. But they didn't want to get a divorce (which is even harder than leaving a live-in relationship), so they stayed, and they're just perpetually unhappy now. So, it sounds like you've seen who she truly is. It's a good thing that you've seen it at 1.5 years in instead of 10 years, no? Wishing you all the best.

I had been doing Facebook Dating for a few months now since around Thanksgiving. Have exchanged communication to various extents with about 200 women during that time so I had been getting likes/ messages and messaging people on pretty much a daily basis during that time. Something has happened over the past few weeks though without any real changes to my profile or an age change. I haven't gotten a single like or message during that time and that is completely different from my activity prior to that. Now there is a good chance I have just gone through a good chunk of the active users in my general area but also it's not letting me like very many people on a daily basis anymore. I may swipe on ten or so profiles and then all of a sudden it says I have reached my limit for the day and it doesn't even let me look at anymore for almost an entire day. Then I may swipe a few more and it stops me again. I'm wondering if I was reported by one (or some) of the women I was communicating with and my profile has been tagged? I do mainly talk to women older then me and because of that some do at times think I am a fake profile. One thing happened just before this started is I was talking to a lady who is a teacher at a college. She was getting pretty into me and I ended up giving her phone sex. I didn't ask her for any photos but she did end up sending me some revealing photos of her. Anyways right after that I ended things (not because of the photos but just because I thought she was looking for an actual relationship and I wasn't) and so we quit talking with me in possession of naked photos of her (again from her choice not mine). So things like that have happened during my time on the site and am wondering if some of these ladies would have reported me after our communication ended. I might have to delete my profile and just create a new one because my current one is almost becoming unusable due to how little the site allows me to look at different options lately.

Right. Its clear that at this point she isnt interested in dating OP, so its not useful analysing that. I personally don't think she probably ever was, maybe she could have been, but its irrelevant now. OP has to consider why when someone is giving him scraps, he builds it into a perfect desireable fantasy rather than just moving on. The best response to low effort and ghosting is just to disengage. I think its fuelled most of the time by a conquest fantasy of making someone who sees you as an afterthought love you. But it very rarely if ever works that way, and if you started as an option even if you somehow turned it around it would go back to baseline sooner rather than later.

I dont fully agree that you have to have your life in order to date. You just can't be dating with the expectation that this person will fill your life and fix everything, thats your job. If you are getting some success on the apps in terms of conversations, just go for it with an open mind and a sense of curiosity. Try and separate your own doubts and reservations about your life from the interaction you have with women you go on dates with.

Thank you for the detailed response, I appreciate you taking the time. You're right that I've been trying to see her in a good light and making excuses — she was definitely the one around whom the relationship revolved, even if she would probably disagree with that. On the conversation point, I wouldn't say it's always gossip — she's studying psychology and we do sometimes go into deeper topics around relationships and people. But you're right that we don't really go deep into the things I'm interested in. Though I'm not sure I can blame her for that — it might just be a normal incompatibility in interests rather than a lack of care and respect. To answer your question — she doesn't really have male friends, and that was actually never an issue for me. I trust her completely in that regard. I want to be in a relationship where we both trust each other in these things. The point about whether she values me as much as I value her — that one is hard to argue with. I don't think she does, or at least that was clearly true for a long time. Now I'm just uncertain, and I've noticed that the things I do for her have started feeling like obligations rather than something I do naturally to make her happy. So I think I'm valuing her much less than I did in the beginning, or before all the arguments started. That shift probably says something in itself also.

I don't know. I guess I was blinded by something — thinking it would get better, and also because the beginning seemed so promising and I was genuinely happy. But you're right, thank you.

You're completely right about the relationship part. It's not a decade long relationship and there is actually no point in sticking with it, if it doesn't feel right. This is actually my second serious relationship, but it is the first one where I moved in with someone, which made everything feel higher stakes. Thank you for reading the whole post and for your response, it means a lot to me.

It seems to me that she was friendly, but wasn't willing to cheat with you when you were in a relationship, so she ghosted. When you were single, you never once asked her out. Everytime you spent time together, it was by chance or because she suggested it. Ask her out if you want to date her, otherwise leave her alone. A lot of people get really bored with constant texting/messaging and never going on a date...which is probably why she stopped responding to you over and over. She probably views you as passive and borderline feminine. That may be how she sees you now, so it might be too late to ask her out.

Everything you wrote in your post is spot on, but this part is especially important. I also feel that analyzing that girl’s character is less of a point here than the OP’s expectations.

You’re putting the carriage in front of the horse. Don’t think about dating now, think about how to improve your mental health. First you should everything in your power to become the best version of yourself, or at least a version that is strong and healthy enough to withstand the turmoil of romance. Only then you’ll be in a position to tackle dating. Don’t be like a soldier who is eager to go to war but has no weapons, no ammunition, and no proper training.

True. the thing is I'll be having good conversations with women on dating apps but then I'm afraid to ask them out because of all of this.

I think you should start worrying about dates when you're actually going on dates. But to get to that point you have to get yourself moving forward with your life and out there meeting people first.

So you were her attention buddy, basically. Random adds on Instagram are most often some kind of attention or validation seeking. A booty call at best, but more commonly this. Not to be harsh but I think anything about this girl in particular isnt very relevant. The main issue as I see it is that you seem to have positioned her in your head as your fantasy woman, a dream girl who would make everything better when you were at your lowest points with your partner. Take it from someone who's doing and has done a lot of work on himself about similar issues: the fact that you find the way she acts and communicates sexy and alluring rather than immature attention seeking and off putting probably means your self-esteem isn't the highest. I'd also bet that in a way it's a sort of coping mechanism to escape and not stay present and grounded in the feelings of your more immediate life, such as when you found yourself in the midst of that toxic relationship. Your ideal partner obviously isnt your toxic ex but it probably isnt some unobtainable manic pixie dream girl either. And you're probably not going to meet her until you stop operating from a place that you want a girl who will come along and save you and make everything feel wonderful.

Your mental health is priority #1. When you have this better managed, the rest of your life should start to fall into place

You have a point I just don't know if I'll ever have a direction in life.

You're too fixated on dating. You keep asking questions about dating. You are in no position to date, honestly. You need to get your mental health to a better place, find some direction in life, and get healthy. Dating isn't going to come before that.

As people probably know from my past posts, I'm in grad school and am in my mid 30s living with parents. However, I feel like I'm largely in this gradschool program because I feel like I don't have any other options and I'm afraid if I don't continue that I'll live with my parents for longer and it will be harder to date women. At first. I felt good knowing that I was doing something with my life, but. I can't help to feel that I'm just forcing myself for the wrong reasons. My mental health is already bad and this precicament is making it worse. What should I do? I don't want to be romantically lonely until I'm 60...