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Ok, one week. But still: why send a song when you could have sent "Hey, it was great meeting you. If you're free Thursday, I'd love to continue our chat over dinner." She's either going to accept, suggest an alternative if she's busy, or decline. I truly don't understand all the analysis you're putting into this at this stage of the game. It is self-sabotage for sure. If I were her, I'd be wondering what you were doing. My best guess would be that you were keeping me warm in case your better options didn't work out. Is that really the message you want to send?

Yep, I can't explain it any better, and I haven't conveyed what I was trying to convey, so I'll drop it and I'll concede:)) Moot point in this case, anyway, replies stopped completely, apparently.

Thanks for your reply. I have other matches that are more talkative and message me several times a day. I feel confident that they like me. With this guy, I’m not sure. just an update: it’s 11 pm and he just confirmed the place. I update of what happens. I’m unsure of whether he recognized me or not. Or if we’re both playing dumb

Then… just don’t do any of these things. They all make you look hesitant, fearful, and insecure. No woman is going to like the prospect of dating a man who waited a year and a half to ask her out. Just ask her out and talk to her normally. Yes, but again, this has nothing to do with the speed of asking a girl out.

I don’t understand what the problem is. One message per day is completely normal. What is there to talk about in text? You haven’t even gone out on your first date. Just wait till Saturday, go out with him and see how that goes.

Hello everyone! this has happened: on Monday night I was on bumble and saw a neighbor. I decided to swipe right because I always kinda like him. We didn’t interact much, and I haven’t seen him fir the past couple of years. Last time I saw him, he was married and I was as well. I know his wife wanted to separate like 10 years ago and my situation has changed as well. So, I swiped right. That night, he swiped right on me and sent me a message first. He seemed interested, he didn’t mention he knew me, and I didn’t either. We talked about food. I told him “we should continue this over a glass of wine”. He answered “definitely!” And suggested Friday. I said ok Friday evening. He then said Friday evening he had a family meeting and he was thinking more of Friday afternoon, but that he was going to confirm me -today if he was free or not at night. he did. He said he was not free but that he wanted to see me this weekend if possible. I replied ok, Saturday afternoon. he said “lovely” and he suggested a glass of wine and a walk on a nice neighborhood. I replied “awesome, I’ll let you surprise me” So, we already have the day, the time, and a general place but not the exact spot. Last text was this morning. Today is Thursday night and I’m annoyed at the speed in which he messages. Awful. Like one text per day. what to do? Also… I have no idea if he recognized me as his old neighbor or not (we talked a couple times, about our dogs but nothing more, and one time he stopped me to ask me about my then husband, so he knew who I was and who I was married to…) (He’s 61 years old, I’m 48)

Oooh, I now realise we have two very different perspectives on what "asking someone out" entails:)) Yes, I see your point, I was referring to the ancillaries, the decor. To me, asking someone out is a process in itself, it's not just about the question/proposition. I like to make it personal, as I want to present myself through everything I do, intentionality behind every step. As such, it wasn't so much about publishing my autobiography in her DMs, or shoving the pedestal underneath her, more putting her off by asking her out through a very dumb joke which would've made a lot of sense had she known me a bit better, pulling stupid stunts, and oversharing stuff like: "hey, so, I've been thinking about you a worrying amount for the past year and a half, wanna go out?" I genuinely don't know if this is making any sense, feels like trying to describe a knife's edge in detail:)) But I've had friends who've told me that it's too much, and listening to them - pacing things out, being patient, not rushing headfirst into dumb jokes, has paid off so far! Saying a "hello," exchanging a couple of lines of small talk, giving it room to breathe, these are also opportunities for me to check a few things out beforehand. See how she reacts to a diluted version of "me." If she's bothered by a non-insulting and, at worst, groan-inducing joke I threw in a random sentence about whatever, for instance, then I see no point in even asking. I love making dumb jokes, so it'd just be annoying for either or both of us.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the speed of asking a girl out. Nobody is suggesting that you text her full details of your biography or tell her that she is a goddess. Just ask her out.

Threads by OP have been closed as there is no more useful advice which can be given

Dunno the limit for over-texting, but definitely over-sharing, coming in too hot (meaning with too much excitement for a first time thing), basically being "a bit too much," I guess.

If you really think that this abusive man with serious mental issues is the best, then you need professional help ASAP. Frankly, the issues you describe are too severe to be handled by the people of this forum. Please get away from that man and seek professional help from therapists, counselors, and alike. You can’t do it alone.

What does this mean, exactly? Did you over-text?

Huh, must be a regional thing, then:-? And it's not a rule, per se, more like etiquette, an unspoken rhythm. Dunno how to put it better. Something specific:)) Partly joking, I understand this tendency, been raised with this tendency in mind. It's not about hesitating to act, it's needing clearer markers that it's time to act, if that makes sense. Fully admit, this is a "me" problem. As I believe I've demonstrated so far, my natural state is to rationalise everything, which is why hints and body language and all of that flies over my head. "Yes, I see you rubbing up against me, please state your intentions though," like:)) Ties into this as well. What I meant by this is that I've wrecked my chances through the way I acted, even in situations where it was obvious that my chances were very good. Nothing untoward, to note, more like my mind skipping some beats and messing up the rhythm. Which is why I intentionally pace myself a bit, give the situation room to breathe and myself ample space to pay attention to the person with whom I'm interacting. Granted, I wouldn't normally wait, say, two weeks, but I will give it a couple of days. Usually. And when I reach out, it's like stepping into someone's home. To me, jumping straight to the question's like hopping on their couch, while saying "hi" and a couple of lines of small talk first is like wiping my shoes and waiting to be invited in:)) Hey, kudos to me for knocking in the first place!:)) Fully agree with sooner rather than later! No point dragging things out, but a week or so is a reasonable interval to my mind. Especially in a context like this.

Kindly, the sort of help and support you need is beyond the scope of this forum. Can you speak to a counsellor or emergency services about these feelings?

Think this is going to start going around in circles any time now...

First things first: your (hopefully) ex-boyfriend’s behavior is gravely disrespectful and abusive. Please cut off all contact with him. You don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love and respect you. A confident man who isn’t intimidated by female sexuality and is mature enough to understand that people make mistakes and then grow and change will accept you in your entirety, including your past. I wouldn’t go into details and probably not mention it on the first date if I were you, but I personally believe that sharing the facts of your past with someone you want to have a serious relationship with is important. That way, you’ll weed out men who care more about their insecurities and complexes than about you. As long as you don’t cheat on your partner, you shouldn’t feel retroactively guilty for whatever you’ve done in the past.

None of the people I know personally follows any such rules. All the guys I know, myself included, ask the girl out immediately upon realizing that we want to do it. There is really no rule saying you should wait before doing that. On the contrary, the longer you wait, the more likely it is that the girl will think that you aren’t interested and move on. Say what? She flirted with you, she responded to your message. What else did you expect her to say? It was definitely your turn to ask her out. Men still do it more often than women, and there is really nothing wrong with that. Generally, we are more proactive, women are more responsive. That can’t be right. If you go for it and the girl says “no”, then your chances are wrecked in exactly the same manner as they would be if you waited longer. Going for it is not what wrecks your chances, it just might expose the fact that there were no chances to begin with. If a girl doesn’t like you, then she doesn’t like you. Better learn that sooner than later and spare your time and expectations.

Well, first off, I apologise for the confusion, it wasn't two weeks ago. It'll be a week tomorrow. In addition, the song was sent the day after. May have expressed that poorly in my post, sorry again! Second, I mean... she could say something, too, y'know!:)) In all fairness, I get your point about potentially killing things with my caution, but so far I've wrecked more chances by going for it than I have by measuring my steps a bit. At the end of the day, as others have pointed out, I have nothing concrete on which to go. Some people just flirt, that's their style. I've had close friends do this to me before, but those cases were different precisely because I understood it was just "their style," everything had been contextualised beforehand. In this case, besides the fact that I had nothing concrete and that I was, I repeat, significantly drunk, it was also the first time I've ever interacted with this person. A metaphor I can give for it is that it feels to me like the difference between showing someone a song I like by blasting it into their grey matter with cans cranked up to max, and presenting it on a mild speaker, y'know?:)))

Part and parcel of the cognitive dissonance which is dating nowadays, apparently!:)) I honestly don't understand these things, either, but I've noticed that most people follow these rules whether they're aware of it or not, so it made sense to adjust my behaviour to more closely follow the rhythms. I have to say, it does tend to generate a lot of ancillary anxiety, precisely because it becomes mostly artificial after a point - things kinda' lose meaning when everything's done by schedule. Anyway, I wasn't leaning toward any conclusion in this case, taking things as they come. Perfectly aware that people have stuff to do, guess it's just a mini-projection of the fact that I, personally, try to be timely with everything. Thank you for the encouraging words!

Oh my god.... I would be beyond frustrated with you if I was her. If I have your timeline right, you met her nearly two weeks ago, on a Saturday night. Then you waited a week and sent her a song in Instagram, which she hearted but, since you didn't actually say anything, she had nothing to respond to. Now, nearly two weeks after meeting her, you sent her a text apologising for your behavior the night you met and then, even though she responded enthusiastically (which is frankly a miracle at this point), you still have not actually asked her out. What the heck are you doing? First she green-lighted you by flirting. Then she green-lighted you with the heart emoji. Then she green-lighted you by replying "enthusiastically." You seem intent on ensuring that her interest completely fizzles out by making a series of wishy-washy contacts, none of which bring you any closer to your goal of a date. In fact, they are likely taking you further away from your goal. Here is a formula for you: boy meets girl, boy and girl flirt, boy asks girl out. That's it. She either says yes and they go on a date or she says no and he moves on. Quit wasting her time and killing any fun/momentum/excitement that ever existed. Where is the banging-my-head-on-the-desk emoji? Close enough.

i’m worried my dating life is over because of this and i would like to share and get advice. i am 23 years old. at 19 i began using fentanyl/ketamine/cocaine heavily and supported my habit and crash outs by seeing men online. i think its important to point out that i felt driven to a point of no return to do this. i was incredibly depressed but did not want to die, i had just quit college due to horrible anorexia, and just before entering that world i had f***ed up a job incredibly and was fired in 4 hours. i came to a conclusion that with my lack of Anything i just had to do what could be done to make ends meet. and ill be honest, making rent in 2 hours rather than 2 weeks felt relieving. i was essentially posting on local websites and ID verifying everyone i saw. i was very reckless as i only wanted the roof over my head and the baggies in my pocket. at that point i had become incredibly bulimic and balled out on horribly expensive food for the dopamine rush. i truly did not see myself as someone who would make it to tomorrow, i had no care for my future. i was doing physical work for about 6 months until i ended up in rehab. up until about 6 months ago i had also posted on onlyfans and gathered some income like that. my rehab was overseas and i was unable to work and i had done that up until i understood i could work honestly, and for a reason i will mention below. coming out of the mud was a beautiful experience and i am now 1.5 years sober and with a different goal set and ideals. however i am naive to think everyone else will see me as a success story and find fondness in that change, so i would idiotically babble about it pretty openly when meeting new people. it would be ideal for me to get to a place where it isn’t a secret to those around me, but that i stop going into more detail than i should, tell them “this was part of my past” and leave it at that. my ex / my bf / whatever he is right now has made me feel like i have to hide this from future partners. i had only shut down my onlyfans when i realized we were official and he was offering to take care of bills for me. i am not sure if it’s him or my past, but it is/was brought up any time he split on me (borderline personality, both of us). he has told me that he can’t masturbate because he thinks of the people who “had” me in the past and that they could ask whatever they wanted of me and would get it. my “holes” are mentioned constantly, he believes i operate solely on who i can have sex with to receive something in return, i’ve been told that the “motel 6 is waiting for me”. essentially what im trying to say is that whether he tried to suppress the discomfort he felt or not, he didn’t do it well and im wondering if every man will think of me this way. its hard for me to believe that in order to be worthy of love i have to suppress the things that have made me the person i am today, whoever wants to fall for me next would have to realize that the person they fell for is only this way because of the chain of events that have happened in their past. my ultimate question is must i start suppressing this. that conclusion is worrying because there is always a chance it could somehow come out later down the line.

i have bpd and autism so that already places me in the negatives in terms of wifey material despite knowing that my boyfriend still gave me a chance but since the start of the relationship i've placed him in incidents that have eroded his trust in me. in the first incident i was keeping around a male friend who used to like me and i didn't know that detail was important genuinely. i was asked if this person used to have feelings for me or vice versa and the guy's attempt happened so long ago that it had slipped my memory. my bf ended up looking thru my phone and scrolled all the way up to 2023 to find the texts where i tell the guy that we are friends and just that. after then he never pursued me again. to bf i lied and kept around someone who was a threat. keep in mind this person is no where near me rn though. second incident fangirled in a niche artists dms and sent heart emojis third incident was intentional and non autistic / confusion based where i lied to him about contacting a third party about whether a guy i used to see deep in fentanyl addition was still alive. i had told bf i was inquiring about a friend. due to the previous incidents i was weary to tell the truth. that comes up all the time and im told i was pursuing the ex when i was just looking for closure essentially fourth incident bf had dumped me and i asked a newer male friend if he knew of anyone who had a room available because i want to leave my boyfriend. my bf takes care of everything for me and i don't have a source of income, so fear motivated me to self preserve. this makes sense to me because my bf tells me if this guy wanted to pursue me he would and that my action makes it easier for him. and it probably makes my bf feel like a "cuck" which is a word he uses all the time. my bf had told me at the start of the relationship that he has trust issues bc every girl he had been with cheated on him. i asked him why and he told me probably because he gets really mean. and he does, he was diagnosed with bpd a few weeks ago. some things he said in the beginning were scary like he was telling me he was grateful i didn't dress like a slut and i wasn't allowed to talk about my past if i was with someone else at the time, even though i liked to hear about his relationships because they made him the person i fell for. i never moved with the intentions of hurting him, ive honestly never had a boyfriend who cared about my male interactions this much so i was moving without experience, but ive hurt him nonetheless. i didn't have any malicious intent with the incidents ive caused but that doesnt matter at this point, he doesn't trust me with men anymore and i veer towards that side when i make friendships especially as th community i am involved with now (addiction recovery) is male dominated so i dont have many social contacts now. he's taught me about male/female dynamics and how men who speak to me will usually just want to f*** me and i've never really understood that in the past. it f***s with my head and i'm told i'm building a roster and doing all this evil s*** just because i'm a girl. when he's stable he doesn't trust me much, i'm always talking to a guy or building a roster or scheming to leave him and frog hop to the next person. i could be in a therapy session or making him dinner and he's accusing me of all that, when in actuality i am so unbearably lonely and socially starved. he tells me there's no trust from his end and i should stop moving like there is (i didn't text him for 4 hours once because i was with a 12 step sponsor and he threatened to break up with me, despite having my location and me telling him where im going). it's the worst when he splits because he complains and complains about me and then i tell him to leave if hes so miserable and he gets mad at that. i can't really bring anything up that he does that bothers me or else it can be deemed a double standard or a justification. he also tells me i dont take accountability for my actions and he's right, i usually get angry when it's all brought up. i think thats because i dont understand the severity of his reactions to what i did, and i dont see it as big of a deal as he does. he's not bad. i guess all relationship advice posts end off with that. i wanna be with him but i don't know where to start on helping him mend. i have a lot of self development and career/school things to do and i can't focus because i wonder how we'll mend constantly. last night we exploded into an argument because my phone died and when it rebooted a bunch of notifs came up and it triggered him. i told him they were realtors i was speaking to about finding us a place. he doesn’t trust me of course and continued with that narrative. i got upset and told him “please not now i just need you”. he works 10 hours a day and i just wanted him in his essence then. i had spent time making him dinner and i wanted to enjoy the meal with him, i missed him all day. but he took that as me dismissing him. he ended up speaking to his therapist and came to the conclusion that i am self centered. he split on me told me i was insane for believing that we could survive a house together and that the kid in my stomach (i just tested positive a week ago) isn’t his. he told me he believes everything he says in splits. we went to bed separately and i got so stressed out that i started to plan a way out of this house. today i reached out and hes in the same mentality. he told me i would never kill myself because i need to “keep myself and my holes pretty” and that he regrets getting a “prostitute” pregnant. nothing i haven’t heard from him in past splits. i want him and more importantly i feel as though i need him, i cant stand knowing there is another person on this earth who f***ing hates me. i wanna get high and die so badly. i have something in the works to leave tomorrow to another sober house, but im afraid me going will be the complete end to us. truly he is a good person the best boy i have had, he has put up with a lot from my end emotionally and still gave me a chance up until this point also im told that when i explain the situation i portray myself as a victim, so sorry if i did that. i tried my best to highlight my part. i don't know if im naive or stupid but i didn't know all of this was so important. maybe i wasn't raised right or something

The bolded has summed up 'leagues' and 'punching above your weight'. It is a thing. And your issue isn't that you don't approach women. Instead, it's your obsticables are your objectification of women and general unhappiness in life.

Have been trying to explain this to the OP for a while already. The OP wants to be lovable and datable so that he can enjoy his life. But he has to enjoy his life to become lovable and datable. Horse and carriage…

Sex is a highly important form of communication between people. That’s why the first thing you should is stop thinking about sex like it’s a thing that you get for yourself. Because, by extension, that makes you think of women as suppliers of sex. Do I need to explain why that is a bad thing?