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Because I can’t figure out why she is behaving like this. It felt like some great romance for 6 months. Then her actions are now illogical. I don’t want to think the bad things people have said in this thread, but I don’t really have any evidence to suggest they are wrong.

He wouldn't be able to walk away scott free if you now let him go and walk away. He would lose you, but now you have put yourself in a position to win him back because you still want him. You are going to do whatever is necessary to get him back in your life. He will never trust you again and is probably looking for another mistress as we speak.

I get you. It's just that the least I expect from such encounters is decent, basic communication, you know? Your example sounds like a classic case of over-commital. I'd never do anything like that these days or go beyond saying I had a nice time after a first date and telling her Id like to do it again sometime. I may be wrong but I honestly dont think Im going OTT. I've had encounters which went well at first and the girl reached out to say she wasn't feeling it in the end/was getting more serious with someone else, etc. Which I would always really appreciate and I wish more people did. Its a clean, respectful, adult way of leaving things and I never have any hard feelings about that. But like I said in OP the normal thing is we're talking a lot and then it suddenly goes radio silent with no explanation, or in some cases the girl gets straight up nasty if she doesn't get her way etc. I want a second date if I thought the girl seemed like a decent, adult person on the first date and we had some good chemistry. The fact that so often turns out not to be the case makes it hard to go into new encounters with much optimism, that's my main point.

Honestly? It is a bit unreasonable. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting that, but let’s be realistic: most such sparks just remain sparks, and in most cases people don’t feel the need to try and turn them into dating or relationship. There were a lot of such “sparky” encounters in my life. Only very few of them transformed into relationships. Some became brief romances. But most of them led absolutely nowhere. I remember I was once drunk and so infatuated with a girl I’d just met that I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. We kissed passionately and almost slept with each other. The next day, neither of us felt any desire to communicate. Things like that happen. What I’m trying to say is that you’ll probably feel better if you lower your expectations from those “sparky” moments.

No, not at all. My point is just that hookup dating is a niche where both people are clear from before they've even met what's going down. Certain things would apply that don't apply to people meeting in a more regular setting. Indeed I agree with you there, unfortunately. You need thick skin but it's challenging to do that while still genuinely being open to something positive. Thats what Im contending with I suppose, realism that youre going to run into a lot of silliness especially 30+, while still trying to hope for the best and have a genuinely open mind and give people the benefit of the doubt.

OP. how many times are you going to tell yet another story of how this relationship is a dead end, before you wake up and face the fact that you shouldn't be thinking of marriage and a baby with this woman? You keep coming back to tell yet another story of how she is acting like she has one foot out of this relationship. We get the point. For some inexplicable reason you still keep hanging on to the idea of marriage and a baby with this woman, when everything should be telling you to let go of that.

And nothing wrong with that either. One thing to remember though is that the dating world isn't kind these days to people who are actually looking for relationships. What you are experiencing is what most people who are looking for actual relationships are experiencing. There is a lot of truth to the fact that the good ones are often already taken and a lot of times once people get out of the mindsets they had during their college age years many people who are single are often single for a reason.

Perhaps. But still I'm not going to suggest a first meetup at my/her place unless its pretty clear we're both looking to just hook up. I have absolutely no problem chilling and watching a movie with someone I've been dating for a while haha. I think at any age its normal to have the first couple of dates in a public setting unless you've been on a hookup app and thats the arrangement. The last girl I dated more long term for example was 33 and eventually most of our meetups was just chilling at her place after we'd finished work, which was totally fine by me. But the first couple of times we met up at bars and then the cinema. It's partly just a safety thing, which I totally get. From your postings on here it seems like you mostly connect with women who are looking for a guy to discreetly come over and give them a good time. Which is a certain niche of people but I wouldn't say its the norm.

Maybe but people tend to become less social and more set in their ways as they get older. Part of your problem recently with dating is that you might want to be as on the go and out doing things with women now as you were when you all were five to ten years younger. A lot of times people once they get out of their wild child phase really do just enjoy spending time at home and have someone to watch a tv show with.

She was apparently on a painful period so I doubt it in this case.

Sounds like she may have just been wanting to hookup. If you said something like 'want me to come over' when she said it's comfy in my house there is probably a decent chance she would have said yes.

Then you really should not be trying to have a baby with her. Oh, she's nuts too. She just isn't here for us to tell her that directly.

Yeah from what she said initially you may be right. I would have appreciated an apology or just a bit more clarity than a cat sticker though, lol.

It wasn't always like this. Dating used to be a ton of fun. Yes there was always damp squibs but in between that I got to know a lot of nice girls. Sometimes it would go somewhere further, sometimes it would fizzle out after a couple of meetings. As you said, that's fine because the vast majority of things don't turn into something serious. But back then for the most part everyone I met was nice. The last couple of years I've had far more encounters where the person I've met was just straight up rude, didn't have basic respect for my time, etc. I've had cases of girls storming off on dates because they didnt like where I brought them and calling me an a**h*** the next day, or leaving mid-date because they decided my dating history meant I was either a player or an incel and going into a rant about how theyd needed therapy for their exes, etc. It's exhausting. And I'm not expecting it to turn into something serious every time, just hopeful that when two people meet and have a bit of a spark they both have a will to get to know eachother and see where it goes, even if they realise after a couple of meetings they aren't compatible etc. I dont think thats unreasonable right? Like it used to be pretty clear when something was a damp squib, and when it would probably lead somewhere at least for a while. Nowadays things that seem to have a bit of initial promise generally dont get off the ground even slightly. And I'm not making massive efforts here above and beyond. Im not turning up with a bunch of flowers and inviting her to meet my parents after a good first date. I'm just seeing if after we both seemed to have a nice time, we can meet up and maybe have a nice time again and see where it goes. I don't think that's anything particularly crazy.

Women do often tend to be more bold and straightforward when they are dealing with younger men. The role reversal is part of the thrill for both sides. I have had plenty of women in the past make it very clear what they were looking for. Most of the guys that ask for late night house meetings online from women they have yet to meet are usually soliciting dozens of women because they know 99% will say no. Few if any are having hour long or more phone conversations with any of those women with planned future meetings being talked about.

I’m in a new phase of my life where I try and consider everything deeply. I didn’t go looking to date someone in their 40s, 30s, 20s etc. I date who I feel I get along with and have rapport with. I have eventual goals I want, marriage and kids…but life and modern dating means it’s hard to find someone to even settle down on that path to. I’m not saying 2 years. 5 years or ten years. As long as someone wants those same things. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least we were on the same page at one stage. This time last year my 2 month dating with a 23 year old had ended. I never planned to ‘date’ someone years younger than me, but things felt like they had some potential. The same as now dating someone 8 years older than me. The issue is I want something serious and committed, but it just seems so stressful and demoralizing, especially when it’s turning out the way it has for me in recent years. I then find surface level things which are not going anyway easier as I have no investment or attachment. For example, in the past, I was going on dates with a woman with two kids, who was much older than me. I found her very attractive and good company, but no idea what she saw in someone 12 years younger. I felt comfortable as we had many similarities but I also felt weird as I was doing the opposite to what I utilmatley wanted ( kids and marriage). I knew that situation wasn’t it and I didn’t even know what she wanted from me (maybe lonely?). Anyway I digress, it’s hard to be all or nothing in dating. Get exactly what I want now or dont date at all and just sit at home. When I met my current partner, I felt viability as we wanted the same thing, but I guess that’s not true. She wants a kid (for her reasons), then when it comes to marriage it’s up in the air and word salad. I am being made to feel guilty for no reason and then being told the fact I don’t understand is a problem (the Christmas argument). I just don’t know what to do anymore. Fed up.

To explain, the first 5 months felt like a whirlwind. You know some people get married even though partner is terminal, obviously that isn’t the case here, but I felt this relationship is me finally settled. Yes the age difference means we may need to move quicker but we would have ended up in the same position eventually even if we were the same age. However, recently, she has become somewhat weird/pushy? She has brought up moving in together quite frequently. Said I need a ‘plan’ when I thought we were just taking it day by day. And has triggered some absolutely weird arguments. I’m not sure what is going on. In terms of marriage, I thought that’s commitment between us but it’s not something we need to rush into. But I always wanted to be married before having kids and we need to try for kids sooner than later. That’s the only way it even came up in my head. She doesn’t seem to understand my dilemma. I said to her what have we not done that should be done 7 months into a relationship? We have talked about more and considered stuff that most people don’t think about this soon. Yet she is questioning my commitment or if I prioritize her. My issue is I never see signs early and don’t want to move away from a relationship till it’s toxic and I have no choice. She has this thing of making something reasonable, seem unreasonable. And it isn’t a form of desperation. I hate dating as it stresses me out, it doesn’t mean I’m willing to settle for anything. I may be wrong about people (who hasn’t been) but that’s different from just wanting anything. There are loads of people out there, but I have this maybe misguided sense of loyalty or wanting to work things out. Maybe the facts of the matter is she is 40 and previously divorced and wants a kid badly, but doesn’t want to commit to marriage. Then anything I do is not good enough and my sensible reservations are used as a way to eject.

It hurts as I felt she was genuine, but now I’m seeing another side of her that I hadn’t seen before. Everything just benefits her and her life choices up to now or circumstance (being 40) shouldn’t be the main factor in the relationship. Right now on WhatsApp she is basically saying I’m not committed as I haven’t made a clear plan of when she is to move in with me. I explained many times in the past when people have moved in with ME it isn’t inherently romantic as it’s been of benefit to them and none to me. I’ve paid all the bills, it’s been my place. Saying let’s both contribute to a place together is completely different. Also the day before she said I’m 40, I don’t want to waste time. I’m starting to think, this isn’t about me. Although some of her actions may show she wants to be with me (booking stuff in the future) her current actions make no sense. I haven’t done anything wrong and she is now questioning everything.

I think when a relationship shows potential and promise you want to see it through. However, I have noted increasingly, she seems erratic and I’m pretty certain she wants to push me away. We had a nice weekend and then on Sunday night she started asking me relationship questions from an instagram page. I was answering honestly. Then she said when are you going to see your family for Christmas. I said either side of Xmas, maybe a few days before and a few days after. She burst out crying and said she needs to leave my place now, that shows I don’t consider her. I explained to her I 1) don’t have set plans and 2) we have from now up until and around Xmas to make plans between us. I explained November-December is always a bad time mentally for me for various reasons and I’m not someone who gets hyped for Xmas. My laidback attitude to making specific plans with her isn’t to do with not being a priority etc. anyway she has now said she needs time to think about the relationship and is asking me to provide examples of how I am committed to her. Everyone on this forum thinks I’m nuts, yet strongly considering kids and moving in together after 7 months! Isn’t enough commitment to her.

Obviously you can’t work it out. I think living together at this point is a bad thing for you. Please try to be physically separated from her as soon as possible, so that you’ll be able to start healing. As for her not being the woman you loved, well, in retrospect I don’t think you ever knew her. Perhaps you idealized her too much. At the very least, when she started going down the pornographic road you should have realized that whatever you thought she was had little to do with reality. As a side note, there is a huge difference between having a fantasy and acting upon it. There are men who have cuckold fantasies, that doesn’t mean that they actually want to see their wives sleeping with other men. There are women who have rape fantasies, that doesn’t mean that they want to be raped. Just to be clear, I don’t think that what your wife has been doing is unethical. But she certainly has no right to expect you to accept it.

It's not about a fad for her. She wants to be able to have sex with other men but not lose the comfort and security of her home life. It's well past time to end the marriage. I am sorry it's turned out this way but I think it's been doomed since she started doing sex scenes with her "co-stars."

So we've reached a point where it's impossible to continue. We spent the whole weekend being open and honest with each other and it didn't go as I hoped. Paraphrasing, she conceded a little that it is a porn scene within a move, but it's not a porno. She likes it. She wants to keep doing it. It's thrilling to try these new things. I asked her what about me. She was pretty blunt, she loves me and wants to be with me but she's not stopping. I asked her how far she would take things and she floored me when she said that it's her fantasy to have sex with another man but then come home to me. I told her I would hate that and she said she knew that but that only makes it more exciting. She's lost it. Somethings snapped in her brain. We were so in love. It's like this stupid hotwifing fad that seems to be popular right now has embedded itself in her, but she's doing it on film. I gave her a lot of leeway, in hindsight way too much, but I just can't do it anymore. We have officially split. We will continue to live together for the time being out of necessity which isn't ideal. I don't know where to from here. She seems to think we can work things out which only reinforces to me that she's not listening to a thing I say. This isn't the woman I fell in love with which is so sad.

He isn't going to. Not for the same reasons you're feeling the pain, anyway. He's set up his life so he can have his cake and eat it, too. So when one element of that is no longer available, he still has his regular life to fall back on. He, on the other hand, seems to be the only cake you had. It was always going to hurt you a lot more than him when this finally fell apart. It's often how affairs end. It's the nature of being involved with someone who was never yours to begin with. It won't make sense to you or most people, but in his warped mind, it is likely exactly how he perceives you now. Remember this is a person who is careless with other people's feelings, lacks a conscience, and has been enormously selfish for a long time. The way he sees this is never going to make sense to you, because you aren't wired the same way. So in his mind? Yes, you likely betrayed him by telling his wife. Is that ridiculuous? Of course. But he is a ridiculuous person, clearly.

I don't think this would have changed anything in this case. It was already pretty clear that she'd decided she was going to stay home, first because she wasn't feeling well and then because it had been raining. This one was out of your hands.

Your mistake is calling such connections “great starts”. It wasn’t a great start, because it wasn’t a start at all. It was just a nice date with some sparks that you heavily overanalyzed and for some reason expected to turn into something serious. You understand it yourself: The only mistake here is that I wouldn’t even call this “beginning stages”. For something to be a beginning, it needs to have a continuation. Since it is always unknown in such cases whether there will be a continuation or not, why think of it as a beginning? Think of it as a nice little romantic event without any expectations or any strings attached. On the contrary, it’s your overly serious approach to this, your disproportionate efforts, and your constant overthinking that makes this kind of connection more likely to dwindle and die. Let’s put it this way. Probably 85% or so of such flirty dates end up without developing into relationships. Your high expectations and overanalyzing further increase that possibility to 95%. So the very first thing you need to do is stop putting pressure on yourself, because the other person will feel this pressure and react accordingly. Enter every date and have every kiss without any expectations. And let it flow naturally, be yourself. If it doesn’t work, remember that it’s because most such things don’t work. But at least your chances will be higher if you relax.