The story of a romance that is not yet over... Or is it?

All right, here's my story. It’s a bit long, but I’m a detail-oriented kind-a-guy. Hope you enjoy the read, there are several months of thought process in this text.

I am a college student who dated this lovely girl last fall. I met her during one of the happy moments of my life, when I felt that I had my **** together and nothing but good things coming my way. When I met her, I had recently got back from a 3rd world country where I had spent some time during the summer doing volunteer work. I felt like this had changed me, mostly so in filling me with a sense of accomplishment which I feel must have been radiating out from me to the people in my presence.

Naturally(?), this positive attitude dragged her into my life. We started dating, and as we lived close to one another and on top of that were in the same career at school, we would see each other almost every day. Soon, the proximity of our homes would lead to us sleeping and eating under the same roof. So by the end of it, we had basically lived together for over 3 months when the Christmas holidays set in.

It was a wonderful time for me, and looking back at it, probably for her as well. I had many friends, I felt mature in a way like never before; looking at this relationship as the first one where I really ”felt something”, but still feeling like I could comfortably lead the relationship without being too supplicating or having too much fear of losing her. I liked myself, and thought of myself as a “cool guy to be with”. Her addition was that she had brought me a newfound joy which could only serve to strengthen everything I wanted to build with her.

We never got into huge arguments, and the ones that took off I could quickly brush off and turn into laughter. We had great fun, and joked around a lot. Sex was great. We did many wonderful things together. Her friends would tell her she seemed happier. My friends would tell me I had changed in the same way. About 3 months into the relationship I told her I loved her. She reciprocated with a “I’ve been wanting to say it too these last couple of days but I didn’t know the right time”. From then on we would go on using the L-word every day.

But every relationship has its thorns. For us there were two.

1.) My ex held great sadness for one of her close relatives who was suffering from a severe illness during this time, and had been ill for several months. It was something she told me within a week of us dating, and something I would comfort her for during the months to come. It was something which affected many areas of her life, as she was a very busy girl, just like I was a busy guy. Although, she used to tell me she felt like she “met me during a good period in her life, where [she also felt like she had her **** together]”. She was quite verbal about how she couldn’t believe she deserve such a great guy. (I’m referring to myself now - haha)

2.) I had made plans about leaving the country for exchange studies abroad long before I met her, and it was finally happening. I was going to live in a distant country the coming spring, and all the preparations had been made. This was something she would talk about in the beginning saying “well we don’t know now what will happen” or “we’ll see”. It was something she preferred not to think about. As my departure approached, we started talking about it again, and I could feel that it upset her. But she would tell me I had to leave, and not stay just because of her, otherwise she might lose respect for me and we would end breaking up for this reason. Also she wanted to support me and my wishes.

There might be one more thorn: This girl was quite afraid of conflicts. She would prefer pretend like they didn’t exist, or just go out of her ways to escape them. Apparently, she had been with a few guys before me, “jumping”, as they say, from one relationship to the next. I would often push her to deal with whatever conflict she might have with a friend, or with her relatives etc, and she would most often listen to my advice. Although being very closed as a person, she would find the courage to open up to me, although I could sense she many times wanted to hide her feelings.

A couple of days before I left for my exchange studies, her relative got hospitalized, and I feared that this relative was very near the end of the road. I had to leave, and we initiated the long distance relationship thing. She had a rough time dealing with it, but she would tell me she was committed to it. I had asked before, how she wanted to go about this, and she had told me “Yes of course, I still want to be with you. I know it’s going to be tough, but I want to try it. I don’t believe in open relationships and that stuff”.

We skyped a lot. Obviously the time difference made it hard. She would often cry, and I would console her. Sometimes she seemed ok, although she would complain that she missed me, that she couldn’t live without me. She started hanging out more with some of her friends, and I encouraged her as it seemed to make her happier. The last week we were still “officially” a couple she told me how she was going to this concert with some guy who was part of her gang of friends. I told her to enjoy herself and that we could talk afterwards. This was the last ”good” contact I had with her.

I e-mailed her, got no response. E-mailed her a few times more, telling her I was starting to worry. Eventually I bought Skype credit and called her up on her phone. She answered with a “I don’t want to talk right now”. I told her I was leaving on a trip for the weekend and had no chance of contacting her until a couple of days, to which she replied “we’ll talk later then”.

When I got back from my trip we talked over the phone, and that’s when she dumped me. She told me she had thought about it during the weekend and said that she didn’t feel like she was in love with me anymore. It chocked me terribly, and I broke down completely, telling her I didn’t understand. She tried to comfort me, telling me it was going to get better. Saying I’d get over her. And also that she didn’t feel like having contact anymore. I told her I needed to have contact with her as I knew this would be a hard thing to get over. She basically said “..ok”, with reservations. I remember telling her how I hoped she would find someone who lover her at least as much as I did.

She gradually started ignoring me. I sent her an e-mail asking for reasons to the break-up, and she would answer briefly with “I have no feelings anymore”; something I could not understand at the time. Looking back I realize many of the things she said did not make much sense.

She broke all contact with me. I would send her an e-mail now and then, telling her about my life abroad. Keeping it positive. Asking about her relative’s condition. Asking about her life in general.

During this time I would not sleep, isolate myself, force myself to eat, getting further and further into what I now realize was a depression. I eventually got help over there through shrinks and medication. After a few weeks of these e-mails (which I would send with a 3 week interval or so), I got and answer. “Hey I’m doing ok, keep sending your emails, they are great, I just didn’t know how to answer before. My relative is feeling better. I’ve started seeing a psychologist. Also I need to tell you something: I’ve started dating someone new.”

Needless to say this completely crushed me. I then sent her an e-mail telling her exactly how I felt.

I told her that I felt like her trash, betrayed, and how disappointed I was that she told me she loved me before. That this new guy was probably just a rebound, but that I wasn’t judging her for it.

That I was proud of her for seeing a shrink, and how I myself also had started seeing one. That I was having a hard time abroad, despite all the happy e-mails I sent her. I finished by telling her that, “well, there’s not much to do right now: We will meet again soon, and find out what it is our relationship was exactly. Maybe we’ll both have new perspectives by then.”

I tried to live my life. Sending her one more email after this incident, where I told her all the amazing things I’d been up to (and luckily I actually had, despite me being so freaking down).

I ended that e-mail by saying I would like to speak to her on Skype one of these days. I got no response.

Time went by. I was soon flying back home. I found myself not looking for “answers to the break-up” anymore. But rather still caring about my ex. I just wanted to see her again.

Now I am back home. I’ve met her a couple of times and learned a few things. I know now that she got quite depressed when I left. She had stopped eating, stopped sleeping so that eventually her relatives out of concern had made her go see a psychologist. She told me she had to “cut me out of her life” by then, as she felt she had too much **** to deal with already. Then she had “worked on forgetting me”, and this had eventually worked for her.

She would tell me how this spring had been really hard on her and that life just felt like ****. She had done really bad in school, she was still seeing the shrink and basically just by looking at her I couldn’t see the happy girl I used to be with anymore. However, I also do not know if maybe I am the cause to this sadness.

I told her I had more or less gone through the same thing while abroad. However, I had done quite well in the other areas of my life.

Friends told me she had not been that visible during the semester, and generally more quiet than usual. I also learned that her new boyfriend was that guy with whom she went to the concert while I was abroad.

While meeting her I discovered my feelings had not changed about her. And I couldn’t help myself from behaving as if we were still in a relationship, joking around, making her laugh a few times. This was also the last thing I told her: that I realized I was still in love with her. She told me she had noticed. She tried to convince me we couldn’t be friends anymore, to which I disagreed telling her how stupid I thought that sounded. She agreed.

This last conversation made her cry a couple of times.

We parted and I texted her “Thanks. Keep in touch if you feel like it. Things will work themselves out”. She replied by saying that she thought of me as a true friend. After this last conversation summer holidays started, and I went on to live in a different city.

A week or so after I tried to reach her, on a work-related matter, but she did not answer nor call back. Not being able to handle the fact that she ignores me, I decided to cut her off: Deleting her from facebook, making sure she couldn’t see my profile (as I am quite facebook active) and generally started trying to get on with my life. I’ve even started dating this new girl I feel quite comfortable with.

I will meet my ex again when I go back to school this fall. I already know I have deep feelings for her. What’s more, I can’t help myself from being flirtatious and happy around her. It’s like some kind of biochemistry or something; she just brings that side out from me. Unfortunately she might still be with this new guy, and more unfortunately so, he's also a student in the same career.

What are your thoughts on this break-up? Also, I’ve got a birthday card-situation going on, as her birthday is coming up. Should I send a simple birthday card to her to let her know I care, or just forget about it and let her wonder? As I said, I will meet her again in less than two months, and from then on work quite closely with her in school-related matters.

Thanks for reading this far. If you managed to put all this information in your brain then I am sure that whatever advice I get will come from a thoughtful and caring person.

This is strangely similar to my current breakup. Different details, but the same theme and background.

However with that said, I'd rather share with you of my experience on the flip side. Of course, I am not your ex girlfriend... but I am a girl who left an incredible relationship, tried to make things as good in my life afterwards... and then humbled myself to face the reality of what I had walked away from and why.

In my early twenties, I was dating someone who was my world. Simply being around him made me a better person. About a year, year and a half into it... I hit a whole lot of stress. Instead of relying on him during it, I was afraid that it would end up pushing him away so I ended things. I couldn't stand the thought of losing him so I ended up rashly breaking up with him.

I started dating someone else after that, actually an ex boyfriend (who I had no remorse about ending things with) as a distraction and was subconsciously trying to prove to myself that there were other people out there that I could feel just as strongly for. I kept waiting for things to get "good" like it was with the boyfriend I had left. It never did. About a year after the breakup, I woke up and thought to myself "what are you doing?!" in realizing that the possibility of love strongly overwhelmed any fear that I had. Deep down, because of the nature of our relationship, I knew that he understood the whole time the fear I was having. He showed me tremendous grace and patience during that time, which to this day is still an incredible example for me. While I have no idea how it really impacted him, he stayed strong in his life and kept silent.

I called him and set up a time to talk. He agreed. I didn't have any objective other than to be completely honest with him. Sadly, my story ends there. The meeting never happened. He was killed the night before in an accident, which I found out about just as I was walking out the door to meet him.

I guess what I'm trying to get at... is to think about how this guy conducted himself. He was patient. He let me go because it was what I needed. I was that girl who left and tried to make something work in the absence of him. I loved him deeply and I needed time to come around, as selfish as that is. If your relationship was truly as deep and connected as it sounds, she will come back - knowing the true fundamentals of the chemistry between you guys. I wasn't afraid to contact him when I did because of that aspect. Your heart doesn't let you forget something like that.

I didn't come back because he was "missing" in my life (as what a fair amount of people who advocate using NC "to get an ex back")... but because the space he gave me allowed me to really process the feelings I had for him and the rare nature of the relationship we had. He recognized that I needed time and gave it to me.

I know how hard it is to have reminders of an ex during this time. Which is where NC really comes in - to give yourself time to heal. I "hid" my most recent ex on everything... for myself. It is especially hard to see them dating someone, but if it is a "rebound" - just try not to think about it and remember that she is just doing whatever she can to feel better. It absolutely sucks, but it is human nature. Take care of yourself - if it's meant to be, it'll be. It does seem like this girl cares a tremendous amount for you.

As for the birthday - shoot her a line if it doesn't feel like a ploy to get her back, etc, etc. If you're not ready for whatever response it would get, then don't.

I am so sorry you had to go through such a tragic experience. I don't know what else to say, but I'm sure you must be a very strong person. I am glad you shared your story with me; I've read it several times over the last few days to let it sink in.

I did not send my ex anything for her birthday. I just didn't feel like it in the end, or maybe I thought it could come across as a "ploy to get her back", and I didn't want that. I don't remember, it has already been a while.

NC is certainly good to let the feelings cool down. This summer has really helped me heal, but now things are going to change. I'm moving back to my university town, where I'll have to confront her in everything: We study together, we hang out with the same friends, we have the same extra-curricular activity... I even ended up with an apartment 2 minutes, walking dist., from hers, which means I'll probably see her at the bus stop! Or still, we might leave uni at the same time and end up going heading towards our mutual homes at the same time! I'm guessing half of those time she'll be walking home with her new bf as well...

This **** is so depressing to think about. Now it's making me more fed up than sad, though.

So in short, possibilities of NC are strictly limited in the very near future, and I'll probably end up seeing her almost every day. I actually even met her yesterday (with the bf of course) when some of our mutual friends decided to meet up at a bar. When I came to the group and noticed she was there I just went "hi" to everyone, including her, and then engaged in conversations with friends. There was plenty of us, about 15 or so, and I noticed that she was making conversation, and seemed ok. After a while she came up to me, said "hi", and gave me a hug. I briefly hugged back, said hi, and then put some distance in between us as I started talking to some other friends. I had my back against her most of the night as I didn't feel like being around her and experience any awkwardness that might occur. I had a lot of fun with my friends, and she must have heard me talk and laugh (from the heart) quite a few times, as sometimes we would be standing back to back (small pub).

I am confusing myself now, because I really don't want to act this way. I would like to be able to talk to her with no problem. It's just hard. Do you think how I acted in the pub is noticeable and/or strange behaviour from my part?

Also, lvm, I would be very interested in hearing what you think would be the best behaviour from me hereon, since I'll have to see her a lot. Is it best to avoid her, or to be friendly (in a stricly friendly way)?

It would probably be hard for me to be friendly. Especially since I don't know what to think about her. A good friend of mine (girl) that is working very closely with my ex, told me she thought my ex was kind of immature, and didn't get why she broke up with me. She also said that they never talk about me when they are together.

It's just; I don't think I can continue with NC up close. I'm a cool guy and I really love all my friends, so it would be really weird if I just ignored ONE person around me. I like to ask people how they are doing, see what's going on in their lives etc. I wasn't made to ignore people, it's not in my system.

I'm really looking for advice on how to deal with this.