Movingthrough's theory on NC (not a guide).

[Movingthrough]

First of all im not claiming to be all knowing, but through my break up i have learned a lot, and a lot of that i have written down. Personally, i feel i have all the "facts" at this point when it comes to a break up or NC, but feeling them is always the problem for all of us. Hopefully someone can get something out of this. If i can help one person to not feel the full pain that i felt even if it is just for 5 minutes, then i did my job.

 

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Movingthrough's theory on NC

 

NC is not contacting your ex for any reason, even if they try to contact you. The real reason behind it is because you need to move on, and going in a circle with them over and over is not going to change or fix anything. The reality is, you broke up for a reason, and after the breakup there are still lingering feelings that people don’t know how to deal with. When those feelings come back up, most will try to contact or make an effort to see what the other person is doing. Deep down they know nothing will change or that they don’t want the person back (from the dumpers point of view) but we don’t know how to deal with those feelings, so we reach out. Emotions are a very strong thing, and we had a lot of emotions with this person, usually they were good and when they were good (while in the relationship) we made an effort, whether it was physical or just a compliment, so when it happens after the relationship ends, we try and do the same thing.

 

The number one problem with NC is it is looked at as something that you “have” to do when you are “dumped” (usually the dumpee is the one using NC the most). People go into it without being fully prepared on what it is going to feel like and the mental fortitude that it takes to sustain NC. The basis of NC is because there are no other options (and it really IS over) and making any more effort towards your ex will get you nowhere. The problem is, you are only going to know that your effort is pointless if you have exhausted all means of it. Everyone can tell you that until they are blue in the face, but NC is hard because you are always thinking there is still a chance, and you are hoping they will contact you because you are ignoring them. These feelings are normal, but not the point of NC.

 

Most dumpees want their ex back, it’s that feeling of rejection that makes us want what we can’t have, we want things to go back to “normal” (even though at that point there is no way it can be “normal”). Very few people (as you can see on the boards) breakup with their S.O and think “Well, this is what it is and I need to go NC for myself”. We make every mistake in the book by pushing to get our ex back, and in turn just push them more away. We do this because we are in panic mode, and we exhaust (or try to) all means to get them back. We tend to forget that the minute a couple has even a slight hint of a breakup, there is no way it will be the same again. But the beauty in the break down is that we are getting those thoughts, actions and feelings out, which in the long run will help us with NC.

 

After the initial panic mode, we get a taste of the fact that they aren’t coming back. Usually this is when people seek out books or message boards to find out what to do next. That’s when they find NC and decide on doing it. The issue with that is they have already opened a can of worms trying to make things go back to normal, and that can is not closed yet. Subconsciously we are still thinking of “ways” to get them back or at least asking ourselves “Do they still like me?” Until those thoughts go away (or start to subside), NC is going to be very hard to do. The fact is, anyone at any time can go NC, but if you read around, most have a hard time with it and that is because of this unfinished business.

 

I’m not saying that you need to do everything to get your ex back when it’s over, I’m saying you need to do everything for YOU before you go NC. Whether that is saying good bye to them and good luck, or that you hate them, you have to get it out and make sure you go NC with no mental ties left from the break up itself. The tricky part is doing this while still keeping your maturity and dignity. Whether it’s by email, text message or phone, you have to say what you need to say in a way that shows growth and resolve. Showing any sort of feelings for them will not bring them back, so only a rational and realistic message will do the job.

 

In summary, I don’t think everyone should try and get their ex back after, but when you read most posts on the boards or talk to people, they have a ton of questions when they are NC. Those questions should already be semi answered when they are in NC, that’s why I believe if you go with your feelings and emotions when the relationship ends (even if its making all the “common” mistakes), by the time you get to NC you will KNOW that there is nothing left you can do, which gives you no reason to contact them. Before anyone goes NC they need to take a long hard look and ask themselves if they are ready for a re-birth because that’s all a break up is, when you accept that’s it’s a re-birth and not a break up, you can successfully go NC.

Edited March 9, 2011 by Movingthrough

[Mixed28]

I went straight to NC after I got dumped sure I went to panic mode but I didn't act on my emotions (thank god). Because I knew that would push her away, but then again what the hell does it matter? sure dignity but at the end of the day she is gone and has a new boyfriend. So don't feel bad for those of you who went coo coo its natural but don't do it again assuming you get dumped again. But yeah I do wonder what will happen between us in the future I do not plan on initiating contact with her. (she says hi to me still and I just smile at her but thats it) We both go to the same college which is small and we are freshmen so yeah I have to see her for the next 3 years possibly.

[Movingthrough]

Because I knew that would push her away, but then again what the hell does it matter?

 

Honestly that is a lot of my point, i feel like those things need to happen before NC. NC only works if you are in a place mentally for it, and part of that is doing the "coo coo" things as some sort of release. If they arent released its going to make NC a lot harder.

[Mixed28]

Honestly that is a lot of my point, i feel like those things need to happen before NC. NC only works if you are in a place mentally for it, and part of that is doing the "coo coo" things as some sort of release. If they arent released its going to make NC a lot harder.

 

Yeah I told myself Im not going to push her away after she dumped me but its like who gives a damn if I didn't push her away. I can tell I didn't push her away but she is gone anyway whether I pushed her away or not. I am damn sure she is not comming back. I was clingy (my first relationship and she knew this) and we only dated for 2 months and she has a new bf whom she adores so yeah we are done despite the fact I didn't push her away.

[depplover_1980]

Well in general I am not a no contact robot and will consider each case on it's own merits. A couple of flaws I see in your theory are:

 

1. When have you truly exhausted everything? I find with these closure things, that even after I have sent my final scathing letter/email I always think of something further I also wanted to say. You cannot then keep messaging everything that comes to mind really - a line has to be drawn at some point.

 

2. Through NC you then come to new conclusions about the relationship through space and learning. As above, are you then to contact them again because fundamentally you have thought of a new angle to hit them with whilst in no contact?

 

3. For those in a new breakup going straight to NC really CAN create the correct air of mystique for the dumper to miss the dumpee and want them back. By fully exhausting and 'getting it all out' you would be shooting yourself in the foot.

 

Generally I enjoyed your perspectives and all of this is subjective anyway, but I believe that yes, construct a closure but then make your decision and stick to it - if of course NC is the right thing to do in the first place, as I don't believe it is in every case anyway.

[Movingthrough]

Well in general I am not a no contact robot and will consider each case on it's own merits. A couple of flaws I see in your theory are:

 

1. When have you truly exhausted everything? I find with these closure things, that even after I have sent my final scathing letter/email I always think of something further I also wanted to say. You cannot then keep messaging everything that comes to mind really - a line has to be drawn at some point.

 

2. Through NC you then come to new conclusions about the relationship through space and learning. As above, are you then to contact them again because fundamentally you have thought of a new angle to hit them with whilst in no contact?

 

3. For those in a new breakup going straight to NC really CAN create the correct air of mystique for the dumper to miss the dumpee and want them back. By fully exhausting and 'getting it all out' you would be shooting yourself in the foot.

 

Generally I enjoyed your perspectives and all of this is subjective anyway, but I believe that yes, construct a closure but then make your decision and stick to it - if of course NC is the right thing to do in the first place, as I don't believe it is in every case anyway.

 

Thanks for the response, thats why i put it is a theory and not a "go to" guide because its just my outlook and view on NC.

 

For me personally i was not truly able to commit to NC until i had everything off my chest. When i first went NC i had a lingering feeling of guilt over some things that were my fault and happened during the relationship. I knew that writing her would change nothing but i sat down and said what do i have to do for ME so i can move on. So, i ended up writing her and nothing came from it, but it felt great to know that everything was now off my chest, and to be honest even if i wanted to contact her now i would have nothing to say, i literally have said it all.

 

A lot of the posts i read and IM's i get are questions about what do you "think" my ex is doing, or why did he or she do this. IMO if you ask them during the breakup and really finalize everything, then NC will be a lot easier. I find myself now going days without thinking of her and that has only happened since i sent that last email.

 

Overall, i believe that venting, asking questions and maybe making a few mistakes in the beginning is part of the process of moving on to NC with a clear head. I was able to do that in my situation without making myself look like a complete idiot, but i know if i just went hardcore NC right off the bat, my mind would wander and stay stuck on the "questions" i still had for why the break up happened.

[betterdeal]

I like your perspective, it rings true to some degree for me. I'd add that taking time to learn about and improve yourself is very satisfying. Knowing who we are is how we become able to have close, intimate and long lasting relationships because we have a close, intimate and long last relationship with ourselves.

 

To begin with, when I started no contact, it was an effort to not contact the other person. Now it's a pleasure. It's like giving up smoking or any other addiction: to begin with, it's really hard, but it gets easier. The things in the relationship that appealed are still there, in my mind, but now I don't want to be addicted again and am glad to be letting go a little bit more day by day.

 

I'm in no rush, and it feels good to not be in a rush. Honestly, I think next Spring will be about the right time for me to be ready for a relationship of any serious nature. I base that on my own nature, how long it has taken me to get to where I am now and where I was previously. It will be different for everyone.

 

Not texting, emailing or letter writing anything of a serious nature has been a major improvement I've made in my life. I believe now that if you feel unable to say it to them with your mouth, don't say it.

[Movingthrough]

To begin with, when I started no contact, it was an effort to not contact the other person. Now it's a pleasure. It's like giving up smoking or any other addiction: to begin with, it's really hard, but it gets easier. The things in the relationship that appealed are still there, in my mind, but now I don't want to be addicted again and am glad to be letting go a little bit more day by day.

 

Very good quote. The stuff in bold is why i have my theory. NC, while you cant hold it in your hand, is a very draining experience. Every part of you wants to contact them, and you usually know why, there is still something you want to get off your chest. I think hitting the point (no matter how you do it, maturely hopefully) where you know there is nothing at all you can do or want to do, makes NC so much easier. While i know thats not always possible, i can remember hitting a point where i was like "Wow, there is literally nothing else i can say". So in turn i didn't have "go" NC, there was nothing else to say so i was already doing it.

 

I started off looking at NC like something you "had" to do, so i did it, but i wasn't ready and it was more of a chore then a way to help myself. Now there is no other option so it works good for me.

 

The addiction like you said is another great point, i mean who wants that? I had a Psych. tell me once that if someone can make you this "crazy" on the verge of obsession, that is not healthy. Me personally i always had a mental obsession of constantly analyzing the situation, i never acted on any of it. But now i can say that i don't ever want that in my life again.

 

When i see posts on here over and over, i usually write theories about them, its funny to see how all the mistakes i made, so many others are making. Writing about it gives me something to go back to, because emotions usually make us overlook the facts..

[Thatguyintx]

Me personally i always had a mental obsession of constantly analyzing the situation, i never acted on any of it.

 

Another over-analyzer? Sucks doesn't it? As a technical person, I analyze everything. It serves me well in most areas of my life. Not relationships though. Made even worse when with someone who is insecure. ARGH!

[betterdeal]

Dance first, think later

[Movingthrough]

Another over-analyzer? Sucks doesn't it? As a technical person, I analyze everything. It serves me well in most areas of my life. Not relationships though. Made even worse when with someone who is insecure. ARGH!

 

Yeah I'm def an analyzer!

 

But i know what to analyze and what not too. Through my breakup process i have learned a lot. I think i have read more then i can remember on the topic and I studied Psych. in college so it has always been an interest to me.

 

What i have found is most of the facts are out there to why people do what they do in a breakup or relationships, but the hard part is feeling it. Love is a strong feeling, so its not easy to get away.

 

Me personally, when i read things that show me why people do what they do, it helps me to fix my own problems and allows me to see that things could have been prevented. I figured if I'm going to be an information junkie with this stuff, i might as well put it to good use.

 

95% of the posts on here are about NC or "he/she told me they loved me on Monday and Tuesday they were gone" These are the things that i set out to find. I have written about it, taken notes etc and most of it makes sense to me (way too much to post here ).

 

Overall, i think we all want to be happy and feel love. So, we do whatever it takes to get there, even if we know there are a ton of conflictions or red flags....the key is not forcing or looking for something..it needs to just happen.

Edited March 21, 2011 by Movingthrough

[Thatguyintx]

 

Me personally, when i read things that show me why people do what they do, it helps me to fix my own problems and allows me to see that things could have been prevented. I figured if I'm going to be an information junkie with this stuff, i might as well put it to good use.

 

 

I am very similar. Every relationship i have been in, I have been party to the failure too. Each one to different degrees. I have learned something about me in each one. I cannot fix the other person, but I can work on me.

 

When I divorced my ex-wife five years ago, I learned so much about myself that I really didn't like. I was an ugly person. I put that info to good use, worked on me, and have changed greatly. My ex and I are very good friends due to those changes. Feels good to have that sense of accomplishment!

 

Great post, Movingthrough!