G.I.G.S. Explained Another Way

[gibson]

For those of you who do not know, understand or get what G.I.G.S. is… Let me tell you a story that I believe will explain it in a way that might help you better understand it.

 

I was raise by two very loving parents who have and always will pour their love into me. My parents have always wanted and expected the best of me. Together they made countless sacrifices out of love for me and my brothers and sisters. My parents decided and I blessed and fortunate that my mother not work so she could be a stay home mom. We lived in certain areas based on the school systems and was later sent to an expensive private school for my sole benefit. I could go on and on about how many sacrifices and how much my parents did without because of their love for their family.

 

My parents taught me right from wrong, work ethic, respect, integrity, personal accountability, compassion, love, charity, understanding, patience, etc. My parents where there for their family, took an interests in each us, one or both was at every one of our events, heavily involved in our education, had personal relationships with my friends and their parents, my parents were strict and disciplined us when we broke the rules, family vacations, we had curfews, we ate dinner as a family together without TV or music, chores, let us try various hobbies and pursue our interests, etc.

 

My parents demonstrated, showed and proved their love for me no matter if I was good or bad or if I ended up in jail or CEO of IBM. They love me for who I am, where I been, where I will go, what I have accomplished and what I have yet to do. They simply love me, for me.

 

Now there was a period in my life (from around the ages of I am guessing 16 – 23 or so) where I didn’t like my parents and I would go so far as to say I resented and even "hated" them. I also would have told you during that time that I thought they my parents did not like or even love me.

 

My parents were well to do so why did I have to cut grass, get a job and work at a fast food restaurant to pay for a car? Most of my friends were given one and didn’t have to work. Why did I have to have a curfew and my parents were at home to make sure I was there on time? Why did I have parents that made sure I was where I said I was going to be and with whom I said I was going to be with? Why did I have parents that cared about what TV shows and Movies I watched? Why did I have parents that cared about the types of people I hung around with and what we were into?

 

Compared to many of my friends, I thought my parents were old fashioned, naïve, stupid, holding me back from all the “fun” and “freedom” that my friends were able to enjoy.

 

I was convinced and thought my parents did this because they wanted me to suffer and be miserable because it brought them happiness and joy. I could not wait to move out and live my life on my own. So right before my 18th birthday, I did just that, I moved out. This was of course after several months of fighting and me saying and doing some really horrible, mean, nasty and hurtful things which I later regretted.

 

For the next several years, I pretty much had nothing to do with my parents and I could write a book on my life, the adventures, the experiences, the lessons learned, etc. but I will spare you all that.

 

What I did want to share is through that period, those experiences and the lessons I learned… I came to love, know, realize, value and appreciate my parents, the love they freely gave, their sacrifices, their dedication, their support, their encouragement, their belief in me, their discipline, the work ethic they taught me, their patience, the values, morals, character and integrity that I possess, etc.

 

I had no idea until I was out there on my own, saw the success and the benefits that came with of what I was taught and how I was raised, dating or was friends with people that came from a totally different upbringing than I, seeing and experiencing the world, etc.

 

It wasn’t until I went through all that above that I matured and grew up enough to where I could see, feel, respect, comprehend and understand the love my parents showed and had for me.

 

So I went from disliking, resenting, feeling trapped, “hating”, thinking they were the two dumbest people alive to even questioning my love for my parents and their love from me to… Words cannot describe how much I admire, how proud, how thankful, the respect and the love I have for my parents. I want a love and a marriage like they have and I want to raise my kids in the way that I was raised.

 

This is my story and you can use any “term” you would you like to describe this phase / period of my life. For me, I will say I went G.I.G.S. with my parents and pretty much everyone on here knows EXACTLY what I am saying and meaning when I do. I also think it is fair to say that my story isn't that unique, in fact I am willing to bet it fairly common.

 

It also just so happens that I also had G.I.G.S. with a GF that I started dating around the age of 17 and dated for 5 years. Now if you change all the word parents to GF and substitute my upbringing with the relationship I had with my GF in the story above, it describes the same thinking, feelings, believes, desires, etc. that I had when I broke up with then GF due to G.I.G.S. What I came to find out and later realized is that I did truly love her and my love and feelings for her were stronger than before and this was before I even pursued her again.

 

There isn’t a difference between what I did with my parents and my GF because of my G.I.G.S. Where I was at, what I thought, what I felt, what I believed, what I needed to do were the same and I did / was doing what I thought was best.

 

Knowing that, if I go with the logic that most people here on LS have regarding G.I.G.S. how would they answer the following questions regarding me and my parents?

 

Are you going to say that I am the only one who has gone through this “phase”? That I should have known better to think, feel and believe that way when I was between the ages of 16 – 23 or so? Are you going to say that my parents during that period should have disowned me and turned their back on me forever? Are you saying the deeper love and admiration I feel now having going through that “phase” and those experience is not authentic, genuine, true or real? Are you telling me that I am still the spoiled brat who was blessed beyond words and did not know? Did I not mature and grow into the man I am today? Are you telling me that my relationship and my love for my parents cannot continue to grow and become deeper because of where I was, what I thought and what I did back when I was immature, stupid and naïve? Are you saying that I never loved my parents and they never loved me since I thought, felt, believed what I did as a punk adolescent kid / young adult? Are my parent’s fools for pouring all their love into me as a child even though I left and didn't have anything or much to do with them for several years? Are my parents fools for loving me now after I went and did my own thing for several years before I realized how amazing, how wonderful and how much they loved me and I love them?

 

Again, if you change the word parents to Ex in the above questions, why are the answers any different? Is it only because they are family and they are required to be understanding and accept us back? The feelings and reasons a person “G.I.G.S.” on their parents is the same and the feelings (which are even stronger) and reasons (which are genuine, true and pure) they return are the very same, there is no difference.

 

Now for those of you reading this who think my parents or my Ex who I walked out on / dumped due GIGS (who I wanted back more than life itself but already moved on. Even still, we have had a wonderful 20+ year friendship) where fools to ever love me to begin with or for welcoming me back with loving arms even though I am heartless, soulless and evil person for not having the life experience, knowledge, wisdom and having the need and desire to “leave the nest” to "spread my wings and fly" or not possessing the emotional and mental maturity (which I acquired a lot of in my later teens and early to mid-twenties) to understand and know what true love is, how special, rare and what a priceless gift it is at the tender of 16 – 23 or so…

 

My hope is that you find it within yourself to forgive me and try and cut me a little slack for maturing and growing up normally like most people seem too.

 

Does it mean that all G.I.G.S. dumpers come back? Absolutely Not! Should G.I.G.S. dumpees hold out hope for their Ex to return? Absolutely Not! If you were dumped, REGARDLESS OF THE REASON, you should assume it’s over for good, grief, learn from the experience, focus all your effort and energy on healing and moving on. Nothing you can really do, other than that. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

Edited January 4, 2012 by gibson

[smokey bear]

I only figured this bit out last week when the site was down, its 100% accurate, ill add it to my gigs thread of understanding, cheers.

 

There's a few things i pinpointed this week, i just gave up posting, fed up battling everyone else, but i suppose im not being true to myself, i started posting to help others, to give my experience so they can take what they want from it, today i was going to leave ls but ive just remembered why i came.

[wilsonx]

Smokey, they only question and bash that which they do not understand. Look at homebrews original post 50K views.

 

Look at my post 16k views.

 

Let the haters hate while everyone else enjoys and learns from it.

 

I hate to say it but love is not black and white.

[carhill]

IMO, there is a bit of difference between the loving nurture of a young mind to adulthood and the equitable and synergistic loving relationship between two adults.

 

Wrt the childhood questions, OP, I experienced a near parallel to your expressed childhood, right down to the uniforms I wore to school for 12 years, and I took away a completely different impression in real time, one of admiration for the wisdom they were imparting upon myself. I marveled at how my friends descended into drugs and alcohol and wanton sex as 'rebellion'. I was at work 30 minutes after I graduated high school because I had been working in some capacity for nearly a decade at that point and it was 'normal' and my shift started then. There was no later 'discovery' that my parents had been 'right' and their love for me through those supposedly tempestuous times had been unconditional even when I had 'left' them, because I never left.

 

As evidenced above, we all have different paths. It is true IMO that love is not black and white, rather more of a technicolor dreamcoat which we each wear differently and in our own unique style. The key is in accepting each others coat and style as self-evident and with clarity.

 

Even though I've never experienced a woman who has GIGS within the context of a primary romantic relationship (I've seen it elsewhere, as shared in my journals), I accept that such a coat, style and path exist, as I accept that other love styles exist. I also understand clearly that such a path is not synergistic with my own path, so reject any bend which might inure me to that path. It doesn't mean such a woman is wrong or bad or undeserving of love; rather it means that she and I are incompatible in the area of love and relationship style. For a man who finds such a woman to be compatible, that potential is his path, and he would necessarily reject my path definition as his own. What we offer here on LS are definitions of and anecdotes regarding our individual paths. For some, they might find truth in that path; for others, they reject it as incompatible and irrelevant to their circumstance.

 

My best friend opined that perhaps my exW didn't find the 'grass to be greener' with the choices she made. I disagreed with him, aligning more with the opinions of LS'ers who asserted that she just didn't want to be married to me anymore. That a better deal (for her) came along was merely a sideshow to the main event. At 50+, with three M's under her belt, I trust that she's quite aware of what she wants in life and how to get it. She moves on with no regrets and no what-if's. How do I know this? Her words and actions regarding her first two H's match and support such an assertion. Pure pragmatism. In a way I admire her. It is a path I will never walk naturally, though I bent myself to inure to it for a decade or so, unhealthily.

 

I wish people good fortune and health in whatever path they walk. Life is brief.

[Casablanca]

I hate to say it but love is not black and white.

True words have not been spoken about love before.

[Glove_slap]

I went through this phase from the ages of 13-16. I learned very quickly the sacrifices my parents have made for me and the rest of my family, I'm from a third world country and when my parents moved to Canada when was I was young they took low class jobs, most of the time it was only my mother that was the one working. I rebelled against my family and joined other kids that did criminal activity, since I lived in a ghetto (still do) it was easy to get into. I grew out of that phase a long time ago, now I love and respect my family. I never had the world handed to me which from your story seems like you were pampered your entire life. Don't worry though, most suburban kids tend to rebel against their parents like most teenagers, the only difference is that they can just bounce back a bit easier. I haven't read the whole story but I'm just commenting on your experiences with your parents as mine is somewhat relatable.

[HLP234]

I also have foreign parents and they do get in the way of my relationships whereas most of my friends' parents do not get involved. If they do not, would it be easier, yes. But they do it for a reason. We all go through this at one point. Sometimes though you have to choose and realize what is there and what isn't, who will be there and is it worth it or not.

 

Don't feel bad as you still love and respect your parent. And Wilson's "Im not attracted to you anymore" thread makes a lot of sense. I see it happen all the time even happened to me. People with emotional problems that do not want to face them will just gain attraction to something else and distance themselves. Its an odd way but its what happens most times.