Felt i should post my story

[pacman81]

First off, as I was writing this I can see all the areas I went wrong…but cant go back and change that so I know there is no sense in dwelling on it (easier said than done though).

Sure wish I found LS before all this started happening.

 

The story of what had happened:

She had gone back home for a few days to see her friends and family, this if often very stressful for her because she wishes she was there and worries a lot about her mother and brother. She also wanted to go home because her best friend just called off her engagement with her fiancé 3 weeks before the wedding. While she was home she started to act a little different and somewhat distant. We were still talking pretty constantly but she wasn’t as overly lovey dovey as usual…well enough to make me sense something was wrong. Before she left town we had planned (she was the one who planned this) her coming over Sunday night when she got back so we could be together before she left town again Monday afternoon, she travels a lot for work. We were talking when she was at the airport and I said

 

Me: “So I was thinking maybe tonight I can drop you off from the airport and then come home, give you time to clean up and stuff, and then head back over and hangout together while you do laundry, cook, pack ,ect and then spend the night to make things easier”

Her: “Honestly baby I’m already feeling stressed about being home for less than 24 hours. I love spending time with you but I need time to myself. I’ve been a guest at my moms place for 3 nights and was home for less than 24 hours the day before I left and didn’t even sleep in my own bed. Living out of a suitcase makes anyone kind of want to go nuts.”

Me: “Its ok babe…I understand…was sorta expecting that answer…but just wanted to throw the idea out. We can talk on our way home from the airport but just want to make sure everything is ok?”

Her: Yeah its fine. Wish you could experience my schedule sometimes or the anxiety I get from it babe”

Me: Ok good babe…I know I couldn’t handle it the way you do babe…you are amazing at balancing everything going on in your life”.

 

I ended up picking her up at the airport and taking her home where we hung out for about an hour before I said “im going to get going” and headed home. During this everything seemed fine..she was very affectionate and cheerful.

 

The next day a few things happened that made me again feel like something was wrong and she could sense it.

 

Her: “Ok Im leaving here in a minute babe. I’m sorry if your upset…ill call you later.”

Me: “Im not upset…just not sure what to make of how things are right now and trying to give you the space you need.”

 

We talked later that night when she landed and again things seemed fine and same thing on Tuesday when we were talking until she sent me a text saying

Her: “Babe what u said yesterday about giving me space…I appreciate that you are doing that. I think I do need a little space. I am overhwlemed in all aspects of my life and im feeling a little in over my head. Sorry to text that to you but I just thought you should know why im distant. We can talk tomorrow babe.”

Me: I appreciate you being honest…that’s all I can ask for. I haven’t been sure how to handle this so I am sorry if it wasn’t right. Whatever you want I support…all I want is for you to be happy.”

 

After sending that Tuesday night I did not her back from her until Wed when she texted me if I wanted to talk.

 

So she came over and we talked. She talked about how she just feels so overwhelmed with everything in her life and is worried she has developed a pattern of relying on being in a relationship to be happy. She is 25 and been in a serious relationship since she was 19…dated a guy for 3.5 years…then two weeks after they broke up started another relationship that lasted 1 year…then a few weeks later started seeing me. She wants to make sure she can be happy on her own. She also talked about how stressful her job is never knowing what the next day brings, how she could lose it at any moment and that she has nothing to fall back on….where I on the other hand have a solid career and know exactly what I want in live. She also talked about how we moved so fast with things when she knew she should have slowed them down. During this talk she was saying “I don’t know a lot” and wasn’t able to articulate her feelings very well and what she wanted. She just said she needed some “space”. I asked her if that meant us breaking up or she wanted to see other people and she said no, that’s not what she wants at all…just that she isn’t she needs some space to figure it out. Things ended with me asking if this means she doesn’t want to talk or text anymore and she said no, she doesn’t want that.

 

Later that evening I sent her the following message

Me: “XXXX, I know everything will work out the way its meant to…whatever way that is I’m not sure…but I have to believe that it will. Thank you again for being honest with me…being honest with each other and most importantly ourselves is the only way for things to work. I am going to put the communication ball in your court…but know I am there for you no matter what. I love you, xxxx. “

Her: “thank you for understanding xxxx. You are an amazing person.”

 

Over the next week and a half we exchanged a few texts (all of which were initiated by me), all of which were very pleasant.

We ran into each other at the gym on Saturday (week and half after our talk) and I approached her. The conversation went great…very flirty and friendly…just like old times. She couldn’t stop smiling and saying how good it was to see me.

The next day I ran into her again at the gym but this time it was much different. Her body language was completely different and I got the impression she didn’t want to see or talk to me.

 

After Saturday going so well I had no idea what to make of Sunday’s interaction…the most difficult part of this was not knowing where we stand and what her idea of “space meant”…so Sunday afternoon I couldn’t take the not knowing anymore and sent her a message.

Me:”Hey xxxx, I need to touch base with you today. What time works for you?”

Her:”Cant today. What about tomorrow? Or when I get back Wednesday?

I told her we can just meet on Wednesday.

 

Tuesday was Valentines day and since I knew she would be out of town when I left for work on Monday I knew she would be at the gym so I put a rose on her windshield and card saying “your always on my mind. I love you. Happy Valentines day”

Her: “Thank you for my valentine : ) very sweet.

Me: I know things are up in the air right now…but I couldn’t let Valentines day go by without letting you know how special you are to me babe: : )”

 

So I sent her a message Wed afternoon saying

Me: “Hey xxxx, hope your day of traveling went well, at least as well as flying across country can go : ) what time is good for me to come over tonight?”

Her: “Hey. I literally just got home. Sh*tty day. Still gotta take care of a bunch of stuff and get to the gym. I’d like to meet with you tomorrow if that’s cool. I just don’t have it in me today.”

 

This upset me a lot for many reasons, the first being that I had been wanting to talk to her since Sunday and the second is it made me feel like the gym and errands were more important than talking with me. Also, at the time I was getting “advice” from people who might not have been the most experienced in this situation on how to handle things and were not thinking too highly of her at the moment.

 

Me:”I have been wanting to talk to you since Sunday. I understand you are having a bad day but this is not fair to me. I want to talk tonight.”

Her: “Ive slept like 3 hours and travelled all day. Sorry but today is not a good day. That doesn’t make me exactly excited to talk to you when your being so pushy. So you don’t really really understand about my bad day.”

 

After receiving this I called her and said I wasn’t meaning to be pushy and that I have been really needing to talk to her and hearing she could go to the gym but wasn’t able to talk to me hurt. I just told her I wanted to talk because last time we spoke we were both very emotional and had a hard time articulating what we wanted. I wanted to see what she meant by “space”. She then started getting defensive and said things like “I don’t know what you expect to get out of talking to me. I still don’t know what I want. It not like I have speech prepared or can tell you anything you haven’t heard.”

The conversation ended with us saying we will talk Thursday night after she is done with practice.

 

Thursday came around and she sent me the following

“xxxx everything is so literal with you. I cannot give you what you want to hear or anything else I haven’t told you. Im sorry this is hard and its not fair to you. I just really meant that I needed space. Everything happened way too fast with us I am starting to believe that what we had, for me at least, was something I fell in love with the idea of. And I am confused and I always do this. I cant be on my own…its like I go from one relationship to the next in order to be happy. That’s not what I want. So don’t wait on me. Don’t count on me. I cant give you what you deserve. Im sorry to text that but im at work and needed to get that off my chest.”

 

I called her back after getting that text and left her a voicemail along the lines of “I respect your decision and understand where you are coming from. I do however believe I deserve more than you breaking up with me via text. I gave you my whole entire heart and wont be able to get any closure from you breaking up with me over a text. I promise I wont try and talk you out of anything or make you feel bad…I just need to meet with you and hear it face to face.”

She texted me later that night saying

“I didn’t intend for that to be it xxxx. I just feel you are pressuring me to see you right away and its not something that’s easy to face. I sat down and talked to you face to face a few weeks ago…didn’t just send you a text. I’ll call you tomorrow and see you.”

 

When I got this text the next morning I believe I interpreted it wrong. I read “I didn’t intend for that to be it” as her saying I wasn’t breaking up with you and I saw a light of hope so I responded with the following

“Don’t worry about meeting me tonight. Even before your texts last night I knew you were not ready and the last thing I meant to do was pressure you. I’m going to leave things up to you when it comes to talking or hanging out so that doesn’t happen. But know that I am moving on as this is the only way for us both to figure out what we truly want, trusting if we are meant to be together we will be.”

 

Where we are now:

 

Its been 3.5 weeks since NC…the closest thing to contact has been below.

 

The main issue I am struggling with when it comes to NC is she goes to the gym that is located in the building I live in so I constantly see her car in the parking garage. Which led to what happened Friday night. Pulled into the garage and was driving through and who is standing outside her car talking to a another girl? Yup my ex...thats right 11pm on a friday night i see her in the parking garage...come on…give me a break. Anyways, I just waved and smiled and continued driving. She waved back but had the saddest look on her face and looked like she was about to cry.

 

 

 

 

Not sure the point in posting this…its just I have been reading every single post about space and articles on the issue trying to apply it to my situation and felt it just made sense to post what happened.

 

Also, by some people knowing the back story when I do need more help it will come in handy.

[mymission]

I think the answer is obvious. Give her space for as long as she needs it. Me and my ex decided to go on a break for a couple of weeks. I had moved into his a couple of months before and we had got under each others feet, fighting all the time. So i moved home, expecting to carry on after a couple of weeks just seeing each other at weekends. I was just texting him and calling him as normal, I didn't give him space. Then he decided he wanted to break up with me properly. A month later and I'm heartbroken. She will miss you if you give her space, which you say you are doing. Just keep it going a bit longer

[pacman81]

Thanks MM,

 

I actually posted this in someone elses thread...amazing how much easier it is to give advice than listen to your own. haha

 

 

"I can think of 100 reasons on why my ex needs "space" right now...some make me feel better and some make me feel worse...but at the end of the day it doesnt matter...she does not want to be with me right now and we are not together...thats the truth.

 

The more I realize this and stop making excuses or justifying why this MIGHT have happened the better i am doing with it all. "

[mymission]

Haha yeah I know what you mean. Its so much easier to give impartial advice as an outsider. When emotions are involved its nearly impossible to listen to other people or think like you normally would.

[jus d'orange]

Honestly, it seems like you're both being pretty mature about this very difficult situation and handling it fairly well.

 

The best thing you can do is to give her space... but for your sake. It is bad for a person to invest their emotions in someone who isn't able or willing to reciprocate. Keep the NC and take this time as an opportunity to do some personal house-cleaning:

 

1) Really take care of your health (serious fitness, good food, lots of sleep, etc.)

2) Reconnect with family and old friends

3) Recommit yourself to your passions outside of the relationship

4) Consider picking up a new hobby or pursuit that you've always wanted to try

 

If you go through with these things, you will find NC is easier to maintain. It also means that, if, after some time apart, she decides that she really wants to see if things will work again, you'll both have had time to objectively reflect on what you want. In addition, you'll be a man with direction and purpose in his life outside of the relationship. You'll be in great shape and you'll feel emotionally supported because you'll have gotten closer with old family and friends. Thus, you'll be in a better position to decide whether this relationship is something YOU want.

 

Lastly, if this girl decides more permanently that she doesn't think the relationship is right for her and never tries to reconcile, you'll be in a great position to move on and find that's more deserving of your love and commitment.

 

You need to move forward as if she was never coming back. Only then will any future attempts at rekindling the relationship be meaningful. Remember -- any future relationships you have (with this woman or any other) will be a NEW relationship, so you need to have lost ties to the old one to proceed.

[pacman81]

Yeah, I am very proud of how we both have handled things. One of the main reasons i have been able to keep NC the past 3.5 weeks is i said i was going to leave things up to her when it comes to talking or seeing each other again...and i want to prove to her and myself i am a man of my word.

 

Also, its important to remember that she knows i want to talk...so its not like she is afraid she cant reach out to me if she wanted...the fact i am not hearing from her means she does not want to or is still not ready to talk. I think thats the toughest part about always seeing her car at the gym...i am thinking about her regardless, that doesnt make me think of her all the sudden. It just always leaves me with the feeling of "is she going to text or call me when she leaves" and sure enough....she doesnt.