melvin Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 Hello all, I have (was) dating a woman for over 3 years and we just recently broke up. We are in the age bracket of 28-32, her being 32. A little background, we both have much experiences in relationships and have both (fully admitted during breakup) that this has been the best relationship we both have ever had. We compare after 3 years to still have the honeymoon phase of our relationship. We both are very happy when we are together. The problems: We are hitting of the age to start making decisions about our future (moving because of jobs, marriage, kids etc) and everytime we talk about it, its a very tough discussion. She has fully admitted, that she has never been in this serious of a relationship and she is scared of the future. She is very future minded, while I am not so much. She does not want kids or marriage (have had bad past experiences with that) and I wouldn't mind either, but has not been decided as a deal braker. She has major trust issues from past relationship experiences. The breakup: about 4 months ago we had a little fight (a personal problem coincided with this fight), and she tried to end it with me there. It caught me totally by surprise and I basically pleaded for my life with her. We made up on the spot, and continued on. We identified what was wrong and made changes. Since that 4 month mark (I have felt i was walking on thin ice since the fight before and have started to turn the corner with confidence), we have been happy with each other, but haven't dug deep into addressing most of the problems. The reasoning is we both have had many personal problems during the same time period (death, family devorce, job) all within those 4 months. This has put stress on the relationship dearly, but we have muddled through the tough times (we still are happy around each other). A couple of days ago, she had a melt down, (personal Stuff) and somehow the conversation changed to our relationship. She ended it right there. Stating that she has been unhappy since that fight (she said she thinks about the future and I am not in it.) She said I have changed and stopped giving her boundaries**. I deciphered this meaning that she was walking all over me and I should of manned up and left. She was going through some tough times and had multiple breakdowns (unrelated to me), and I feel i had no way to be the man from before, but a friend instead. I felt like a friend that occasionally was intimate. While this was happening we decided to get together 5 days from that fight. I was the one who said we should talk again when both our minds are clear. She gave the day (no time/place etc) That day is approaching, and I have made not contact with her (gave her space) and she has done the same. I want to see her to get some closure, but I know I will have high hopes for the best scenario (which i know in my head won't happen, but in my heart I wish it would). I know this is REALLY confusing, but there is a lot of things going on. Should I contact a day before? Should I let her contact me? what if she doesnt? If you need clarification please ask. Any advice would help. Honestly, when we are together, both of us are SO HAPPY. *** She is very independent and likes do things on her own. She sometimes feels self conscious when not looking strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Oncehadluv Posted July 6, 2012 Share Posted July 6, 2012 what does her being happy contribute to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author melvin Posted July 6, 2012 Author Share Posted July 6, 2012 what does her being happy contribute to you? Everything. I ultimately want her to be happy no matter what. I just am worried, that all of our personal issues (non related to our relationship) is what is really pushing her away. She can't control any of those other things, but can control this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melvin Posted July 7, 2012 Author Share Posted July 7, 2012 can i get a little more advice come on guys help me out Link to post Share on other sites
gmoore Posted July 7, 2012 Share Posted July 7, 2012 (edited) Unfortunately you said it already my friend. You're putting her happiness before your own & it has caused her to drift away(among other personal issues I'm sure, I'm not saying its your fault in any way). You need to become the strong independent person you were before you started dating. That is attraction. You need to let her go. She'll be ok without you. You can't save her but you can save yourself. Closure is truly hard to come by when you dont want something to happen or you don't understand why its happening. Just leave with your dignity and become a better man. She may realize what she's missing or she may not, honestly it doesn't matter either way. You can make yourself happy. I know this is nearly impossible to comprehend right now but you need to try to reframe this as an opportunity. You are free but you have to work to see the light. You can't just let it be a weight upon your heart. Use this special time right now to "imprint" all kinds of good things on to your psyche and personality. Rebuild your confidence better than it was before. Get better at communication with women. Pursue your passions. Good people will be attracted into your life if you treat yourself right. Get some books. Read. Watch lots of inner game self help stuff. Read how to fall out of love, go suck a lemon & check out David Deangelo's stuff on youtube. It'll blow your mind and you start to pick yourself up. You'll get through and you'll be a better & more interesting man for it. Let the pain be life affirm ing & know that there's nowhere to go but up. Basically I'm saying No Contact as soon as possible and stay there for as long as it takes for you to become ok with any outcome. And I mean truly secure in whatever outcome. Edited July 7, 2012 by gmoore 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author melvin Posted July 7, 2012 Author Share Posted July 7, 2012 I wish when we broke it off we didn't agree on a day. In my head there are two scenarios if we do meet up: (both end the same) 1) I see her and she is half the person i knew a week ago. She has moved on and is just meeting up because we agreed on it 2) She realizes that the breakup was justified from other stress and she took it out on me. Both scenarios would result in us being apart. But the second, I guess, would give hope for the future (which I want, but probably do not need). With this, no contact seems to be the right thing, don't deal with either of these scenarios and just move on. Today is going to be a tough day, I had planned on sending her a text today asking about tomorrow, and wishing her the best with her personal problem. Now I am in limbo. Most of the advice I am getting (from personal friends) are saying, go you need that last real conversation and to agree on no contact with each other. We also work very close to each other, have similar circles etc. I wanted to set up ground rules with those things (for respect of one another) Link to post Share on other sites
Author melvin Posted July 7, 2012 Author Share Posted July 7, 2012 Well I caved. All of my friends, and family said i should reach out. And everybody here said maintain no contact. I have not gotten a response and my fears of not getting the response are growing. To me it settles things one way or another. If she doesn't respond or does, it doesn't really matter. All she kept saying is "don't blame yourself" " I am nuts" "this is not anything you can do" "these are my issues".. Link to post Share on other sites
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