"Need time to think about all this" - HUH??

[goodbyesunshine]

Hi everyone, I have been struggling for awhile now not knowing what to do and I would really appreciate if you guys could tell me what you think - if I'm being stupid and should move on, or wait for someone I really love?

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months, after a lot of obstacles. The greatest obstacle is that he was about to move away from my country but he met me. He stayed here and promised that if we move away, we would go together after I graduate (9 more months to go). Throughout the relationship, he was a wonderful boyfriend but it was obvious he wasn't completely happy. He is depressed at work, very stressed out and became more and more tired each week, sometimes in bad moods and shuts me off or texts me coldly. But it never lasted more than 2 days, and I always supported him.

 

3 weeks ago, things became worse. He became increasingly unhappy at work and began to make excuses not to see me anymore. His messages became shorter and unhappier. One day, the messages stopped coming. I begged him to see me and he finally agreed. When he saw me, he said he wanted to move away as soon as he could. I was hurt and confused (and angry that he ignored me for so long), and told him if he wants to move away we should break up. He was quiet and merely commented that we could have a long distance relationship but I cried saying I didn't want that. That night he texted me saying he's sorry for all that and wants me to forgive him and be together forever and he loves me. I was really sad, but at that point I wanted to let him go so he could be happy, so the next day I said maybe he should really go back to his country and then he didn't reply.

 

And since then (last week), he stopped texting me. I was worried and would continue calling and texting. Sometimes he would reply, just saying he is tired and he wants to move away and hates his work, but most of the time he wouldn't reply. Finally one day I begged him to see me and let us work this out somehow and he merely replied that he needed time to think about "all this" (all what??? ugh) and he's tired. He then shut me out completely. I haven't contacted him since he said he needed time, and tried taking this relationship as dead. God knows how much he hurt me this three weeks. He hasn't broken up with me but he just ignores me as much as he can. I know he does NOTHING on weekends, he doesn't have much friends here and just watches TV all weekend, but he still doesn't ask to contact.

 

I suppose if I give him all the time he needs, he might come back (I would have said he would come back, but I feel like I don't really know him anymore). We haven't even really broken up, but he's just shutting me out of his life now. I feel hurt and bitter. Even if he comes back, I really don't know if I still want it to work. Would you ever do this to someone you love so much? Ignore them and refuse to meet them for weeks over work stress and being "depressed" about life? I keep wondering if maybe he just wants to try how it is to be apart from me and then fade away. Has anyone experienced anything similar? We have been through so much it just seems crazy he'd do this now, when all I need is 9 months from him and we can leave together. I was even willing to give up my home, family and friends for him to start afresh at his country

[KatZee]

I suppose if I give him all the time he needs, he might come back...We haven't even really broken up, but he's just shutting me out of his life now. I feel hurt and bitter...Would you ever do this to someone you love so much? Ignore them and refuse to meet them for weeks over work stress and being "depressed" about life? I keep wondering if maybe he just wants to try how it is to be apart from me and then fade away. Has anyone experienced anything similar? We have been through so much it just seems crazy he'd do this now, when all I need is 9 months from him and we can leave together. I was even willing to give up my home, family and friends for him to start afresh at his country

 

My ex did this exact same thing. We were together almost THREE YEARS so I get your statement of "we have been through so much it's crazy he'd do this now."

 

My ex always blamed problems regarding us, or allowed his work/stress situation to dictate our relationship. I too, like you, would just "give him space" and time he needed away in hopes that he would just "come back." And every time he did. I thought this was just the way he handled problems and stress, by just withdrawing entirely. Ignoring me, not reaching out, barely speaking if he DID answer a text from me, not asking me to hang out. I'm not telling you he came back each time to give you hope... because as time went on, this vicious cycle became hopeless. He would avoid everything and anything just to pretend problems and stress didn't exist. He wouldn't communicate he'd just go MIA and then tell me days later, "thanks for your patience" and would go on as if nothing happened at all.

 

I think a lot of what my ex told me was BS too. If a guy is going through things, he's going to rely on the one he cares about and loves the most. So if there's stress, work problems, he's going to lean on you to get through it. Mine never did, he just used this a crutch. I think he would put the blame on anything OTHER than what reality was. He wasn't happy in the relationship and for the most part, he kept that hidden. He just kept acting phony and when things got "too hard" he would put blame on work or stress.

 

I even remember a period where we stopped sleeping together, he was extremely distant, cold, and I kept asking, "WHATS WRONG" because he was shutting me out 100% and all he said was, "work stress" or "I'm tired" or whatever else he told me, and then I found out he was cheating on me during that time.

 

He may be pulling the work/stress excuses, but he's pulling away from YOU. And he even said "I Need to think about 'all this'" meaning the relationship. So believe me when I tell you that the issue isn't work or stress, the issues is you, the relationship and his unhappiness with it all.

[goodbyesunshine]

My ex did this exact same thing. We were together almost THREE YEARS so I get your statement of "we have been through so much it's crazy he'd do this now."

 

My ex always blamed problems regarding us, or allowed his work/stress situation to dictate our relationship. I too, like you, would just "give him space" and time he needed away in hopes that he would just "come back." And every time he did. I thought this was just the way he handled problems and stress, by just withdrawing entirely. Ignoring me, not reaching out, barely speaking if he DID answer a text from me, not asking me to hang out. I'm not telling you he came back each time to give you hope... because as time went on, this vicious cycle became hopeless. He would avoid everything and anything just to pretend problems and stress didn't exist. He wouldn't communicate he'd just go MIA and then tell me days later, "thanks for your patience" and would go on as if nothing happened at all.

 

I think a lot of what my ex told me was BS too. If a guy is going through things, he's going to rely on the one he cares about and loves the most. So if there's stress, work problems, he's going to lean on you to get through it. Mine never did, he just used this a crutch. I think he would put the blame on anything OTHER than what reality was. He wasn't happy in the relationship and for the most part, he kept that hidden. He just kept acting phony and when things got "too hard" he would put blame on work or stress.

 

I even remember a period where we stopped sleeping together, he was extremely distant, cold, and I kept asking, "WHATS WRONG" because he was shutting me out 100% and all he said was, "work stress" or "I'm tired" or whatever else he told me, and then I found out he was cheating on me during that time.

 

He may be pulling the work/stress excuses, but he's pulling away from YOU. And he even said "I Need to think about 'all this'" meaning the relationship. So believe me when I tell you that the issue isn't work or stress, the issues is you, the relationship and his unhappiness with it all.

 

 

I can't believe how much of him sounds like your ex, it's almost as if they are either the same person or there is a special breed of people like this out there.

 

Maybe because this is the first time he's pulled a stunt like this that I'm so worried. Previously he would be cold and distant for 1-2 days in 2 weeks, but at least he'd still tell me where he is, what he's doing and he'd still see me and everything would be okay. I guess as time went by he became worse and worse - he claimed the stress is worse (admittedly the city I live in drives many work person insane, but still?!), and so his mood swings took longer to recover, and now this complete withdrawal.

 

I completely agree with you when you say "If a guy is going through things, he's going to rely on the one he cares about and loves the most." - I can see from my friends' healthy relationships how they push each other forward and find solace in their loved ones' company. After the initial happiness and love in our relationship died down (3 months or so), he started showing such behaviours. If I argued with him over text message on weekdays and he's not feeling good, he's just say something rude and withdraw - go offline/stop replying. Soon I learnt to smell the anger on the days he was angry from work, and to avoid texting him too much. When we meet up he'd complain and whine about work, but he would make some effort to go somewhere nice with me and do stuff together. All this was until about a month ago, when he said repeatedly he is going crazy from work, and he said he can't survive here any longer.

 

What I mean to say is that I know work is really terrible for him, and should I be more understanding? He's definitely not a jerk, I know this stress is new to him and he might think it's kind of my fault he has to live and work here. I just don't know how to deal with this unhappiness. I'd hate to move on knowing there might have been some way I can salvage this (he did make a lot of sacrifices for me and I know he loved me deeply). But reading what you've written also really scares me, because I know if this time it works out, there will always be a next time he pulls away. By then it'd just be prolonging my pain and nothing more.

 

Also, when did you realise it's time to let go?

[KatZee]

Soon I learnt to smell the anger on the days he was angry from work, and to avoid texting him too much.

 

Same here. I soon realized what signs I needed to look out for to avoid upsetting him. But honestly, a relationship in which you need to walk on eggshells just to accommodate HIS issues, isn't a great relationship. Neither of us has to be scared that a text is going to push him over the edge, we shouldn't have to adjust OUR behaviors just because he is "stressed."

 

What I mean to say is that I know work is really terrible for him, and should I be more understanding? He's definitely not a jerk, I know this stress is new to him and he might think it's kind of my fault he has to live and work here.

 

I used to be you. Always making excuses for his behavior. "Oh but his work really IS stressful!! He's not really a jerk, he's just burnt out." I made excuses for his behavior UP AND DOWN.

 

Listen, your boyfriend and my ex... they're big boys. They can handle themselves. It is NOT RIGHT that my ex, and your guy projects their problems onto us. They need to own up to their sh*t and grow up and handle business. None of this is your fault.

 

I just don't know how to deal with this unhappiness. I'd hate to move on knowing there might have been some way I can salvage this (he did make a lot of sacrifices for me and I know he loved me deeply). But reading what you've written also really scares me, because I know if this time it works out, there will always be a next time he pulls away. By then it'd just be prolonging my pain and nothing more.

 

This is not your unhappiness to deal with. If he has problems he needs to address and fix them. It is not your job to mommy him. Also, you're willing to salvage... but is he? The withdrawal is a HUGE indication... that no. He is not willing. He's just sticking his head in the sand, and going through the motions. He's not addressing, communicating with you... I went through this all.

 

I stayed with my ex time and time again making excuses, and he just kept doing it. Because there will ALWAYS be a next time. This is how your bf and my ex deals with things. It's called being passive aggressive. Instead of dealing with conflict, they run away, they avoid, they don't acknowledge, and it's a lose/lose situation because they eventually will have so much bottled up that it explodes (I'll get to that next) and you will be in the dark CONSTANTLY about how he's truly feeling, what he's thinking. You'll always be wondering, you'll be paranoid all the time, walking on eggshells, you'll always try to interpret what he's saying, nothing will ever be clear to you, and it'll make you feel really insecure.

 

With my ex... he pulled the "withdrawal" game. After months of doing this, there was always that LAST thing that put him over the edge, and he would flip out on me. Demean me. Criticize me up and down. He came at me saying he was so unhappy, he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me, he didn't like X, Y, and Z about me, he'd bring up things that he didn't like from the PAST that he had never even communicated to me and it was like the rug was ripped out from under my feet. Here I was in the relationship, he's acting so lovey dovey, we were always super affectionate, I always felt he was so in love, so caring, so devoted, he was EPITOME of perfect boyfriend. I never felt he was a jerk at all either. So because I thought what we had was so great, I bent myself in half trying to change what he didn't like. I tried to become "better" for him.

 

And then things went back to "normal" but he actually did this AGAIN.

 

Played the passive aggressive/emotional abuse game (yes, this is emotional abuse what your bf and what my ex did... when guys retreat and ignore you, they feel powerless, and they try to regain that control but emotionally manipulating you.) The longer my ex played this game the more I started asking questions and that's when I discovered he was emotionally abusive. All that time I thought he was so perfect and wonderful and then I read the list of what emotional abusers do, and he hit so many of the indicators. I was floored.

 

After the second time he did this to me (ripped the proverbial rug from under me), I realized he wasn't going to stop. This was who he was. This is how he addressed stress and problems, this is how he handled conflict. I withdrew from him emotionally but I STILL stayed. I said, "this is the final chance I give us, but I'm going to cut myself off emotionally from him. I'll give him one chance to prove to me I'm worth something, and that he'll work on communication and if he does it again, it's over." (My ex for the record always yes'd me to death. He always said he would "try" and that he'd communicate more, and put effort... it was all smoke and mirrors. He NEVER did. He only told me what I wanted to hear at that moment, but when it came time to play, he always backed out of the game.

 

Well lo and behold, he did it AGAIN. This was the third time. I knew at this point he'd never change. It was like clockwork... every three months, after he had gotten me feeling like things were good again... WOOPS! out comes the rug! tossing me on my as*, cutting me down, beating me down to nothing. He actually had me going for a REALLY long time, I actually thought it wasn't working because of me. I always felt inferior to him, I always felt like I was the one who was wrong, who kept making mistakes. I went from a confident, carefree, drama free, fun-loving individual, to a person who felt insecure all the time. Always paranoid he was going to leave me, always not good enough, needy, lacked self-esteem, no confidence...I had really bad anxiety at this point from all of this... the emotional manipulation will KILL YOU. Trust me. If your bf is as good as mine was with this... you will NEVER outright feel like he's a jerk. You'll wind up putting all the blame on yourself.

 

I realized it was time to go after the second time he did this, but I gave him one last shot. When he did this the third time... I was done. I had wanted to talk to him, ask for a break. Of course, he pulled this game again. Stuck his head in the sand, avoided me. Avoided confrontation, refused to talk. We then spent a good 3 days together, and on that 4th day, he said it was over. I was like... are you kidding me? I asked you to talk TWO WEEKS AGO and you avoided and avoided, and now you think you can just tell me you need to talk and here I am running to your beck and call?

 

I think there is a special group of people who act like this. They have a lot of inner demons and they have a lot of issues they are not addressing. Instead, they take it out on you, and they project their unhappiness onto you. Nothing you do will be good enough. No amount of caring, and trying will make them care or try for you. These are extremely selfish individuals, they're only concerned about themselves and what they want at any given time. It may really seem as if he loves you, and he's not a jerk, but if you want to stay with him... you'll see in time what he will become and what he will do to you on an emotional and mental level.

[KatZee]

Also, see this website:

 

Signs of Emotional Abuse and what you can do about it | Designed Thinking

 

There is another one which I truly loved, and I will try to find it for you...but all of these things he says, "I need space to think" etc, are all excuses.

 

Here are some others:

 

http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html

 

http://nybride710.hubpages.com/hub/SilentTreatment

 

http://taberstruths.com/the-silent-treatment-is-it-emotional-abuse/

 

 

And this is regarding your statement of "I know what signs to look out for so I can adjust my own behavior for him..."

 

http://compassionpower.com/EmotionalAbuseQuiz.php

 

This is actually the first time I took that above quiz but I basically hit TRUE for 11/14 of them. I always would think about what I was saying before I said it just in case it was something he wouldn't like... etc. I got a 21%. That's pretty bad. Here's what it says.

 

Below 90: In your efforts to tiptoe around someone else’s moods, in the hope of avoiding blow-ups, put-downs, criticism, disgusted looks, sighs of disapproval, or cold shoulders, you unconsciously edit what you say. To some extent, you second-guess your judgment, ideas, and preferences about how to live. You might even begin to question what you think is right and wrong. You probably have a vague feeling, at least now and then, that you are losing yourself. Your perceptions of reality and your sense of self are changing for the worse. You may experience physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle aches, or stomach aches.

Edited July 23, 2012 by KatZee

[KatZee]

This part really resonates with me and this is why I still harbor a lot of anger for my ex. He's a classic stonewaller/narcissist. He ALWAYS has to portray himself as the best person ever. Because of this EVERYONE loves him. Everyone thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. Nothing he ever does is wrong, he's the best, he's so caring and loving. It makes me SICK to know I know the real him underneath his phony facade.

 

For the One Who is Being Ignored

 

The partner of a Stonewaller can also not survive long-term without serious repercussions to her own mental health. In my case, I struggled with severe depression as I knew things were terribly wrong in our marriage, but since nothing could ever be discussed, I assumed that I was the problem. I lived in constant fear of saying the wrong thing and being subject to days of the silent treatment as punishment. I was very serious and rarely smiled. It was his way or the highway, that is for sure.

 

However, not too many people could see through him or guess how we really lived. My ex-husband was not only a Stonewaller, but a Narcissist as well. Like all Narcissists, he could be charming, and would stop at nothing to project his public persona as all-around good guy. The majority of people in our lives believed it, including me, since I had not yet identified his narcissism and all its traits as the root of our problems. I perpetually berated myself for being unhappy and wondered what in the world was wrong with me. I mean, I was married to such a nice guy and he was so patient to put up with me.

 

My anxiety was not limited to waking hours. Panic attacks would grip me in the middle of the night, and I would wake up with a racing heart, gasping for air, sure that I was a few seconds from death. Besides the anxiety, the confusion that comes from living with an emotional abuser is the worst of all. In spite of the fact that my ex- husband never laid a hand on me in anger, the way I behaved around him was exactly the way I behaved around my physically abusive father. Psychological and physical abuse can create the same survival instincts to those in its path. I have written another article about the physical ramifications of living with an emotional abuser entitled When the Body Betrays the Mind. Please see the link at the end of this article.

[goodbyesunshine]

I think there is a special group of people who act like this. They have a lot of inner demons and they have a lot of issues they are not addressing. Instead, they take it out on you, and they project their unhappiness onto you. Nothing you do will be good enough. It may really seem as if he loves you, and he's not a jerk, but if you want to stay with him... you'll see in time what he will become and what he will do to you on an emotional and mental level.

 

 

I did the test - I AM walking on eggshells. Ugh. This really sucks. It really doesn't seem all that bad until someone lays it out in black and white for you - thank you for sharing your story, and you wouldn't believe the countless times I have literally gasped in shock telling myself "OMG YES THIS IS HIM".

 

(1) "Yes'd me to death" - exactly the same. My boyfriend would always be SO sweet and sorry when he met me, telling me he'd try not to get upset over work, that he wouldn't ignore my messages when we argue. Mostly he never criticised anything about me, he was always this nice sweet guy who's okay with everything when we meet. The problems usually occur when we are apart (i.e. texting). When work f***s him up he just tunes everything out. He wouldn't keep the agreements we made initially for this relationship to work. I have discussed 4-5 times with him the importance of replying my messages when we're arguing about something, and each time he'd say okay and apologise, and then when real life happens BAM. Back to good old ignoring me when he's unhappy. In the past it usually occurred when we're arguing, but towards the last weeks of our relationship he just doesn't text at all when he claims he's busy (and of course, "depressed").

 

(2) "No amount of caring, and trying will make them care or try for you. These are extremely selfish individuals, they're only concerned about themselves and what they want at any given time. " - YES. I only just realised, after someone mentioned it to me, that this is extremely selfish behaviour. He doesn't care that I'm hurting - I cried SO HARD the last time we met. He made me go home. A few hours later he texted and apologised, asked for forgiveness, said he'd wait for me as long as I needed to heal, and then 2 days later, he goes to work, gets angry, and sent me another one of those "I am tired at work and I want to move away from here" cold texts. He sent it hours after I texted him, called him, begged him for an answer.

 

As I said, it really doesn't seem so bad until someone hangs it out there for you to see. I never realised I was emotionally abused. I always thought 4 or 5 angry, depressed days a month isn't so bad. But slowly over the months, the numbers grew. So slightly I never realised. And then the anger brewed stronger, until this month it just exploded. I hung on only with the memories of him being so wonderful and sweet and kind in the past, 25 out of 30 days a month. Mostly on weekends when we met, he is just wonderful. By the way, just to see if it's a similar thing - was your boyfriend also lacking initiative? For example, my boyfriend never wanted to plan our weekend dates. Here it is extremely hard to get movie tickets on weekends unless you book first, and he knew that but never really bothered. This is just an example, I mean generally I always felt he lacked initiative in everything.

 

And finally - discussing our relationship problems. God help me on this one. In the past, I was always the one who was scared of relationship problems and would try to avoid it, and he kept encouraging me not to do that, but to face it and solve it together. Now? I have to beg him to come out and discuss our relationship. I really wanted closure, so last week I begged him to let us talk (he refused to meet - tired, depressed), but then he gave me the "I need some time to think about all these" bullsh*t.

 

I even went online to read up on clinical depression. I thought he might really have it. I'm not sure if he does, he did mention so many times about how hopeless he felt life was, and he always needed lots of sleep, and he pushed the people he loved away and became emotionally vacant (signs of depression). Until now I'm not quite sure, I'd have done all I could to get him help, but now I'm just not sure about anything anymore. All these behaviours might also just be him being an a**hole and refusing to face a complete breakup.

[goodbyesunshine]

The partner of a Stonewaller can also not survive long-term without serious repercussions to her own mental health. In my case, I struggled with severe depression as I knew things were terribly wrong in our marriage, but since nothing could ever be discussed, I assumed that I was the problem. I lived in constant fear of saying the wrong thing and being subject to days of the silent treatment as punishment. I was very serious and rarely smiled. It was his way or the highway, that is for sure.

 

How long did it take for you to realise he was the one in the wrong not you? Because you mentioned that he would give you the silent treatment - I am assuming in real life - and this is the problem I have. My boyfriend, in real life and in messages, are like two completely different people. When we meet up, even if he's had a bad week, he'd make sure I bring up any unhappiness I have, he would discuss it (sometimes make some promises he didn't keep), and make sure everything is okay. Even back when he bothered to meet me on weekdays after work, he was tired but he was nice. It is SO unlike the person who texts me and ignores me and gets angry. I can't put the two together, and I am worried one day I CAN because him in real life is as nasty as him in text messages on a bad day.

 

My brother also mentioned that with time, love fades, he sees me daily, he's gonna turn nastier for sure. Right now we're just 9 months into the relationship and he's already showing his true colours.

[goodbyesunshine]

By the way, just to see if it's a similar thing - was your boyfriend also lacking initiative?

Sorry I meant ex, not boyfriend!

[KatZee]

How long did it take for you to realise he was the one in the wrong not you?

 

Almost three years. I said it above that I made excuses a lot. I justified his behaviors a lot. There was always a "valid" reason for him to be acting the way he was (so I justified to myself). I never truly stepped back and it's always hard to see reality when you're on the inside.

 

My mother began to see what kind of person he was long before I acknowledged it. She always told me that I deserved better. That she saw how much effort I put in and he did nothing. That I gave up and sacrificed so much, and he sacrificed nothing. Of course I resented her hardcore, and it caused many fights between us. I defended my ex up and down because I loved him.

 

My mother once said to me, "One day you're going to look back on all this and think, 'what was I thinking?' You are holding on to what you THOUGHT you had, not what you really had." --- you can't imagine the fight that happened after she said this, but here I am. She was right. I am sad over what I THOUGHT was love, and what i THOUGHT was a healthy relationship. What I had, was a carefully crafted lie. It was a fantasy created entirely by him. Loving relationships are ones in which both partners can go to each other with everything. I was always terrified to tell him how I felt. Because I knew he would shut down, claim it was me "confronting" him, or starting problems. I always always afraid of rocking the boat because I felt he would leave me. So I just never was able to talk to him about anything. Our relationship became painfully superficial. We never really had much to talk about other than his job.

[KatZee]

Sorry I meant ex, not boyfriend!

 

Yes, in the beginning he did. Actually how we MET was a result of his lack of initiative. Before me, he was in a 6 year long relationship and he was MISERABLE. (His words). Either way, he never left. I was essentially the "motivation" to get out of that relationship. He swept me off my feet with his words, "I've been looking my entire life for someone like you!"

 

He was also in a dead-end horrible job that he hated. He stayed in that for years and allowed it to dictate our relationship. He was so unhappy, work stress, blah blah blah. Never any initiative to leave the job until I PUSHED for him to do it. He eventually did leave, but it was because of me. If it weren't for me, he'd still be in an unhappy relationship, in an unhappy job.

 

He often said, "I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for you." He is a huge procrastinator, he puts things off well past their due date, in regards to something as small as RSVPing to an event... he would never do it. I would find out later that he forgot and people would be calling ME up looking for answers. Everything always just worked around his schedule and his little world.

 

He only has initiative if HE wants to put effort into something... IE: his job. He took initiative to really get where he is now, to network, etc. But that's basically the only thing he takes initiative with. Everything else, not so much.

[KatZee]

And believe me, if someone would have told me three years ago telling me I'd be on here telling everyone how I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with the guy I thought I would be marrying... I would have thought they were nuts. Because we DID have a lot of great times... at least in my mind they were great. On those days he'd explode at me, I'd find out that during those fun times, he had wanted to dump me. So the fantasy I was living in, wasn't real. That's what makes it harder to grasp... that what you thought was great, and loving, and caring... really wasn't. And I don't think emotional abuse has to happen every single day in order for it to be considered "bad."

 

If the relationship makes you feel insecure, worried, paranoid, anxious, and less than yourself... it's bad. Regardless of how many times or how often it happens. You said it happened to you 5-6 days a month. So what you're showing me is that it was on a cycle. Every month like clock work it happens... that's the manipulation... that's the constant slow abuse. Mine didn't start off full blown... for a YEAR! he was amazing. Literally I was living in bliss thinking I hit the jackpot with him. It started off extremely slowly. So slow I didn't even notice it. It went completely under my radar... and by the time I started facing reality... well... it was almost three years with him and I was just a shell of a person. I look back on how I would beg and plead for him to communicate with me and "help" me work out my problem. (HE HAD ME BELIEVING I HAD PROBLEMS!!!) I can't even believe how weak he made me, and I'm sure it made him feel so superior. That's what he wanted.

[goodbyesunshine]

He is a huge procrastinator, he puts things off well past their due date, in regards to something as small as RSVPing to an event... he would never do it. I would find out later that he forgot and people would be calling ME up looking for answers. Everything always just worked around his schedule and his little world.

 

He only has initiative if HE wants to put effort into something... IE: his job. He took initiative to really get where he is now, to network, etc. But that's basically the only thing he takes initiative with. Everything else, not so much.

 

Wow. It is exactly the same. He wouldn't make initiatives - he can change his job but he doesn't want to. He gives me excuses like he knows it'd be worse in other companies, etc. He also left his ex for me, but somehow he showed a lot of initiative in trying to meet me, get to know me when it first started out. Which is why I am wondering if he is clinically depressed - his behaviour months before versus his behaviour towards the last 2 months are just too different.

 

Thank you for the websites. I read about emotional abuse, and I think there are some points that fit him to a T, but several others are completely unlike him, such as sarcasm, criticism, trying to bring me down, etc. He never had anything bad to say about me - it's always him, his work, his fault. If I blamed myself in front of him, he'd go all the way to explain it wasn't my fault. I don't know if it's completely a case of emotional abuse, but I do know stonewalling is definitely a technique he is adopting right now.

 

And also, because he would ALWAYS say yes to me when I ask him to change the ignoring thing, I can't even attempt to solve the problem. When I discuss with him, it's always "yes, sorry sweetie, I know, I'm sorry, I won't do it okay" - LIES. (Is this typical behaviour? I know partners who would just make empty promises to avoid a fight.)

 

I hope you've gotten better since you left the ex. He sounds like the scariest, most horrible boyfriend to have. Also aware of how much my boyfriend could turn into that, since they are so much alike.

 

Right now I know he will come back for me. Seriously have to start considering what to do when he does.

[KatZee]

He also left his ex for me, but somehow he showed a lot of initiative in trying to meet me, get to know me when it first started out. Which is why I am wondering if he is clinically depressed - his behaviour months before versus his behaviour towards the last 2 months are just too different.

 

Mine too. He pursued me so much when getting to know me. He was "perfect" from day one. Saying the right things, doing the right things, and plus everyone loved him and respected him. So it had to be real right?

 

Thank you for the websites. I read about emotional abuse, and I think there are some points that fit him to a T, but several others are completely unlike him, such as sarcasm, criticism, trying to bring me down, etc.

He never had anything bad to say about me

 

Same with my ex. As I said, we went for a full year spending day in and out together and it was perfection. After a year he went out of state to go back to school and even when he first left, we were still perfection. He never criticized me, he never put me down, we never fought...I thought I hit the jackpot.

 

The emotional abuse aspect of it literally started just shy of our two year anniversary. So up until that point, I thought it was amazing. Never felt bad or insecure around him. It was at the two year mark, when he got scared someone would tell me he cheated on me. He confessed to cheating, and he confessed to a lot of other things. What he was saying and how he acted were two completely different things. I felt he was so in love with me based on actions. And then his words were, "I'm not happy, I'm not sure I want to be with you, I cheated, I love you I don't want to throw out what we have.." It was like this back and forth thing, and that's where it all started and when it all began. It was then that it snowballed into the emotional abuse. He didn't do ALL of the things on the list, he never threatened me with violence, but he did threaten me with the relationship...ie: "What you just did left a bad taste in my mouth. Things (you) need to change, or else." The "or else" part being, or I'll dump you. Cue the emotional manipulation. He never owned up to his part in anything. It was always me.

 

The stonewalling, the ignore game, the blame game, being overly critical, never taking responsibility for HIS part in the relationship going wrong...these things pretty much all crept up in succession. It was as if he realized he messed up, and ruined us BIG TIME and he couldn't handle it. Instead, he would point out my flaws. My short comings... he would do anything and everything but consciously acknowledge HE F*CKED UP.

 

My ex has gone through a lot in his life, and I wouldn't doubt he's had bouts of depression, but that's NO EXCUSE for someone to treat you that way. I posted a thread on here. Read it in it's entirety:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/336307-women-you-having-tough-time-fantastic-insight

 

And also, because he would ALWAYS say yes to me when I ask him to change the ignoring thing, I can't even attempt to solve the problem. When I discuss with him, it's always "yes, sorry sweetie, I know, I'm sorry, I won't do it okay" - LIES. (Is this typical behaviour? I know partners who would just make empty promises to avoid a fight.)

 

They are lies if he's only yes'ing you to death and doing nothing about it. If he continues doing the same thing over and over, after promising to work at it and change, yes, he's only making empty promises to get you to be quiet at that moment. He has no intention of working on himself or changing a thing.

 

I hope you've gotten better since you left the ex. He sounds like the scariest, most horrible boyfriend to have. Also aware of how much my boyfriend could turn into that, since they are so much alike.

 

Right now I know he will come back for me. Seriously have to start considering what to do when he does.

 

He wasn't scary. And I'm doing much better, I've gotten my self-esteem back, my confidence, and I have re-established my self worth. I'm better than that. I deserve better than that. I no longer have anxiety, I don't worry about things anymore, I don't worry that what I say or do will "irritate" anyone. I just live for me these days. And I do have my moments of sadness, and look back and wonder if any of it was EVER real because we did have really great times, but then I also look back and see what he did that was so horrible. How can someone be two things at once?

 

I feel like your bf is showing the signs of emotional abuse, and passive aggressive behavior. He doesn't have to hit all marks to be an emotional abuser. I'm sure if someone would have come to me when I was with my ex and told me all this, i'd be in denial and I'd probably stay with him... so only you can make that call but I can tell you it wasn't a pretty path that I stayed on. The conflicts you have with him will never be resolved, I'll tell you that, and he'll just keep doing the same things over and over. It's like beating your head against a wall.

[Samilia]

Hi everyone, I have been struggling for awhile now not knowing what to do and I would really appreciate if you guys could tell me what you think - if I'm being stupid and should move on, or wait for someone I really love?

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months, after a lot of obstacles. The greatest obstacle is that he was about to move away from my country but he met me. He stayed here and promised that if we move away, we would go together after I graduate (9 more months to go). Throughout the relationship, he was a wonderful boyfriend but it was obvious he wasn't completely happy. He is depressed at work, very stressed out and became more and more tired each week, sometimes in bad moods and shuts me off or texts me coldly. But it never lasted more than 2 days, and I always supported him.

 

3 weeks ago, things became worse. He became increasingly unhappy at work and began to make excuses not to see me anymore. His messages became shorter and unhappier. One day, the messages stopped coming. I begged him to see me and he finally agreed. When he saw me, he said he wanted to move away as soon as he could. I was hurt and confused (and angry that he ignored me for so long), and told him if he wants to move away we should break up. He was quiet and merely commented that we could have a long distance relationship but I cried saying I didn't want that. That night he texted me saying he's sorry for all that and wants me to forgive him and be together forever and he loves me. I was really sad, but at that point I wanted to let him go so he could be happy, so the next day I said maybe he should really go back to his country and then he didn't reply.

 

And since then (last week), he stopped texting me. I was worried and would continue calling and texting. Sometimes he would reply, just saying he is tired and he wants to move away and hates his work, but most of the time he wouldn't reply. Finally one day I begged him to see me and let us work this out somehow and he merely replied that he needed time to think about "all this" (all what??? ugh) and he's tired. He then shut me out completely. I haven't contacted him since he said he needed time, and tried taking this relationship as dead. God knows how much he hurt me this three weeks. He hasn't broken up with me but he just ignores me as much as he can. I know he does NOTHING on weekends, he doesn't have much friends here and just watches TV all weekend, but he still doesn't ask to contact.

 

I suppose if I give him all the time he needs, he might come back (I would have said he would come back, but I feel like I don't really know him anymore). We haven't even really broken up, but he's just shutting me out of his life now. I feel hurt and bitter. Even if he comes back, I really don't know if I still want it to work. Would you ever do this to someone you love so much? Ignore them and refuse to meet them for weeks over work stress and being "depressed" about life? I keep wondering if maybe he just wants to try how it is to be apart from me and then fade away. Has anyone experienced anything similar? We have been through so much it just seems crazy he'd do this now, when all I need is 9 months from him and we can leave together. I was even willing to give up my home, family and friends for him to start afresh at his country

 

Well, first, don't fool yourself, you guys are broken up.

 

The whole depression could be true, and he seems to be genuinely home sick. But I don't think it is the reason for your break up. I see it as him falling out of love and missing his family and friends at the same time.

Now he's without the girl and with a job that he dislike. Probably not the greatest situation for him.

 

The only thing you can do is to give him space, since he asked for it, and see where it takes you.

[goodbyesunshine]

I feel like your bf is showing the signs of emotional abuse, and passive aggressive behavior. He doesn't have to hit all marks to be an emotional abuser. I'm sure if someone would have come to me when I was with my ex and told me all this, i'd be in denial and I'd probably stay with him... so only you can make that call but I can tell you it wasn't a pretty path that I stayed on. The conflicts you have with him will never be resolved, I'll tell you that, and he'll just keep doing the same things over and over. It's like beating your head against a wall.

 

Thanks for your reply. I can see your concern regarding my issue and I appreciate everything you've done to educate me on emotional abuse and not wanting me to fall victim to that. It really shows how much you have been hurt and will never let anyone go through the same thing. That you endured three years of this crap makes me really sad - it's just been less than a month of serious drama for me and I'm breaking into a million pieces with no hope of recovering anytime soon.

 

After what you've said, I went to sleep horrified and today turned out to be an even worse day, missing him even more terribly than the last few days. I do still miss him and love him very much. But I will definitely stay strong, I will not initiate contact or even ask to clarify anything at all, even with all the questions burning on my mind, wanting to know his future plans and if he's planning to head back to his country soon. I don't want to let him know I still love and miss him, and so I have been going out with my friends and trying to stay happy and post happy photographs of me and my friends on Facebook (where he's still my friend). Even though it's hard moving on, I just don't want him to think I need him so much anymore, that I'm moping around at home and let him think his stonewalling is working.

[goodbyesunshine]

Well, first, don't fool yourself, you guys are broken up.

 

The whole depression could be true, and he seems to be genuinely home sick. But I don't think it is the reason for your break up. I see it as him falling out of love and missing his family and friends at the same time.

Now he's without the girl and with a job that he dislike. Probably not the greatest situation for him.

 

The only thing you can do is to give him space, since he asked for it, and see where it takes you.

 

Definitely, I am giving him all the space he needs and I am trying to recover from this relationship that I have already taken as dead. Just taking each day as it comes. Just telling myself we have broken up and make future plans without him anymore. I'm just kind of dreading the scenario when and if he comes back to "talk" after he has thought "about all this" with the time he needed. I don't know how I'd feel but it would definitely not help with all the effort I've put into recovering from him.

[goodbyesunshine]

Day 6 of NC

 

Last few nights have been horrible, especially after I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I thought a breakup movie would help but I actually broke down once the credits rolled. Ugh! My mum has been wonderful but for some reason she keeps telling me she sees a future in this, if he finally decides to come around and discuss our relationship as per my final request (she liked him very much). My dad on the other hand hates him to the core and is very happy things are over, he said he always thought I could do much better.

 

Hope everyone who is going through NC is staying strong!

[KatZee]

Day 6 of NC

 

Last few nights have been horrible, especially after I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I thought a breakup movie would help but I actually broke down once the credits rolled. Ugh! My mum has been wonderful but for some reason she keeps telling me she sees a future in this, if he finally decides to come around and discuss our relationship as per my final request (she liked him very much). My dad on the other hand hates him to the core and is very happy things are over, he said he always thought I could do much better.

 

Hope everyone who is going through NC is staying strong!

 

You definitely can do better. The future with him is a future of turbulence.