Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship

[oracle]

Thought I would share my thoughts with you all.. I have been there and still am in many ways.

 

Over the last 2 years my friend and I have developed 3 rules that one can apply to pretty much any aspect of life.. Sadly so far I haven't been able to prove them wrong. They seem infaliable, like the pope ;P (sarcasm alert for those of u that are a tad slow)

 

Anyways, before I get to that.. here is my background....

 

Was in a monogamous same sex relationship (and stfu all u haters) for 13 years, since we were both 19. In the gay world, thats virutally unheard of -I F***ing feel like I deserve a medal just for that alone. We had a good life - big estate, high end cars, travelled several times a year - blah blah.. all the stuff everyone dreams of but never usually gets. We both worked from home so we were together 24/7 both being guys we were buddies and lovers and we did absolutely everything together. It was always a battle though, never easy and we always fought lots but always stayed together. Anyway I always thought it would go the distance.. we would grow old together. Not wanting to give away to much personal details and drag this out - We came to an end and not for infidelity or the usual 'gay culture' culprits - but not in a clean break kinda way. More like a messy twilightzone want to shoot yourself in the face everyday kinda way. We worked together for almost 1 year after ending while we liquidated the one shared business, and we still live together while we sell our primary residence. Ya, f*cked up i know. We are both stubborn.

 

The journey to this point has been up and down. At times it could be fairly brutal. This is what I have come to realize in the past two years and I call them the three rules, you can apply them to everything.

 

Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems.

 

- Pretty simple, period. Your happy neighbors next door, your parents, and even your spouse - you really don't have a clear idea of the true reality of things. You build up ideas in your head based on your perceptions of others. People fake it, and your mind takes broad liberties when filling in the blanks. Let me put it this way.. If I pulled up next to you in my hummer with one of my hot female friends, you wouldn't think I like to suck d*ck. Nothing is as it seems. Moving on...

 

Rule 2 - Possession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

- 'Huh?' you say - Ya, ok let me put it this way. The hottest Guy / Girl is usually the one that is waving good-bye. Rule 2 is my favourite, cause its so true. We want what we can't have, and when we have it we tend to not want it is much anymore or take it for granted. That extra hard longing you feel is cause they just kicked ur ass to the curb. You have the blinders on and you are kneeling before that idealized version of them you have placed high up on that pedestal in your mind.

 

Rule 3 - Expectations are the source of disappointment.

 

- I know it sounds cynical, but all roads lead here. Im sure you are doing mental gymnastics right now, imagining how he or she is the one and its meant to be and things are gonna be different and you will change etc. etc. etc. Keep doing it.. keep building up the dream cause ur just gonna crash harder when you fall from those lofty heights. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.... there is a process you go thru.. and it sucks ass, but sadly there is no short cut.

 

Additional doses of reality:

 

(A) There is no such thing as the one. im sorry.. if you believe that you're.. well.. dumb, and f*cking your self in the long run. Dan Savage puts it best.... there is no "the one." there are "ones"... actually more like .84s and you round up to 1.0, cause you don't settle down without a little settling for. I sold myself on that one bull**** too... then while dating over the last two years, I learned that I could love new people and experience new things. Keep in mind i did this while still living a fairly domestic life with my ex and still loving him as well. I can guarnete you it will never be the same... ever, but it is different. I love my ex and always will, and im sure he loves me still too in his way, but our time is done.

 

(B) Nothing is meant to be. There is no master plan.. its all f*cking random. You aren't entitled to anything, you aren't suppoed to be living a better life, there isn't a purpose or a specifically designed lesson for your current suffereing... it just is. Im sure a lot of you religious folk are coming off the ground right now... save me the sermon I really don't care. All one has to do it look around at the world.... there are millions of people who got the real short end of the stick when they turned up on this planet; Severely handicapp, raped and brutally killed as children.. things along those lines - so If there is someone with some "master plan" for us all, well he either is completely incompetent, or just really doesn't give a f*ck. And don't give me the 'free will' talk, that is a lazy cop-out blanket excuse that is the arguement of last resort invoked by the pious.

 

© People don't change. They don't. People can alter their behaviour or beliefs, but they don't change their core personality traits. Understand these do evolve with age, but they don't drift very far from where they started.

 

So there we go.

 

What you are feeling now really comes down to attachment. Its a natual human experience that is necessary for the survival of our species. Its part of us all and its a force to be reckoned with.. Letting go is hard, what can I say. But thats life. Nothing lasts forever - not you nor I.

 

Things do get better. You won't wake up one day having turned a corner and everything is smooth sailing from there on in. I still have my dark days now and then but it improves.

 

I don't care if you like what I have had to say or don't. Its my experience and what I think. Its not right, its not wrong. Its just some guy thats come thru lifes a** hole, and sharing his take on it all.I haven't gone into a lot of detail about the events that unfolded for me, but rest assured its made for tv movie worthy. Luckily most of you arent going to have to endure what I did. So I can assure you... you are going to be ok.

 

You are stronger than you think, and with enough time you can get used to anything. Seriously..... Breathe, cause sh *t gets better... apparently.

Edited August 19, 2012 by oracle

[whatdoesntkillyou]

Is there a way to permanently pin this up?

[kindest]

You seem jaded, though I don't blame you. I share most of your sentiments. Used to be full of positive energy that you'd half expect me to radiate some kind of light... but nowadays I look at myself in the mirror and even in photographs, all I see are empty eyes with dark circles under them, sullen skin tone, just basically I've become a blackhole sucking life out of everything.

 

All I can do is wait for the day I'm back into the 'light'.

 

Good luck to us.

[MyHeartTakesOver]

I can very much relate to the circumstances here. My same sex partner and I are very close but the problem comes in the form of our feelings for each other. I think the best way of moving on is to just say I'm still in love with this person but we can't be together. End of story. It's awful but I think it heals things much faster.

[Mike_d]

All I can do is keep working hard to get to the day I'm back into the 'light'.

 

Fixed that for you. Standing in place doing nothing will get you nowhere, moving forward takes work and more importantly the desire to actually move forward

[oracle]

I was worried I would come across jaded, I prefer the term enlightened. I was trying to be more blunt than anything.

 

On the contrary, I am quite happy. I am single for the first time as an adult, I am making new friends, learning to do things on my own and be independant. I decided to go back to school for architecture and engineering, I am learning I have skills that I never imagined I would have. I can envision an independant future for myself.

 

I took a year off and dated hot guys way to young for me, it was an ego boost to learn how marketable I still could be. I had a young boytoy that I got way to attached to that eventually moved away. It was warm and loving and just wonderfully easy. It was a lifejacket in stormy waters that kept my head above waters - It taught me that I can and will have significant feelings again for other people (listen up all you people out there like me that have never had another significant relationship) I wouldn't undo anything, I would go thru hell all over again to be able experience this. My relationship was always difficult.. ALWAYS since 1 month in, but the attachment was strong and it kept us tied. To experience a different way was eye opening.

 

The big overall point I am more of less trying to make is this:

 

You are your own worst enemy, atleast your unrealistic expectations are. Things aren't supposed to go a certain way, or be anything. They just are.

 

Here is how I apply the 3 rules in my life.

 

Every now and then you have a bad run of luck (hell I was audited 3 times while going thru the brunt of my separation) and you can feel the frustration building and the weight of that backwards slide into negativity land.

 

(1) RECOGNIZE

 

- oh oh... my mind is going nowhere good and fast.

 

(2) STEP BACK

 

- Know that it is nothing more than your emotions driving you there, and those you have the power to control. Sit down, realize you are REACTING and look at the big picture

 

(3) APPLY THE THREE RULES

 

- Rule 1 is the PERCEPTION.

 

Look at the situation analytically! How much of the reality is being skewed by others or by your own emotions?

 

"That 21 yo is hot and well put together, and we like the same things, we can talk for hours he gets me.. omg I won't find someone else like that."

 

Seriously?? What about his stories that don't add up? Sounds more like a compulsive liar. And that light cocaine habit he has? mhm.. still on that pedestal? Scratch the surface and look beyond that idealized version of self people project.

 

- Rule 2 is the CONTROL

 

"Why isn't he texting me back? OMG why does he still have a profile on Plenty of fish?"

 

The pursuer / distancer scenario is almost like a drug addition. We always want whats just out of reach, that isn't easily attainable. Thats why rule 2 plays so heavily on dumpees, cause we get the blinders on and idealize what we once had and nolonger do. "The hottest guy is always the one that is waving good-bye"

 

In broad terms rule 2 is a control scenario and our lack of it over the object of our desire. This tends to stir the emotional pot big time.

 

-Rule 3 - OUTCOME

 

Now my friend and I have rewritten this several times to try and soften it and keep people from thinking we are just jaded and cynical.. but really it is what it is and until I find it doesn't apply, its staying.

 

I am big time guilty of building up scenarios in my head. I don't know why I do it.. maybe to much spare time. In the early stage of my separation I was doing it about my ex and how things were gonna get fixed and how we would make things different. Now I tend to do it about potential dates that look good on paper, you start building this life in your head and you haven't even met the person! Crazy I know.... You know the best times I have are when Im not even that interested in meeting, and I could take it or leave it.. You natually go in with low or no expectations and the person blows your socks off!

 

There is a saying that I like - and Im not religious and I don't believe in the God concept, but I think it rings true either way.

 

"God laughs while people make plans"

 

I couldn't agree more. Now while I think its important to have goals and work towards them, and thats its impossible not to have expectations about pretty much everything in life you need to maintain the fact that chances are they aren't gonna play out as you hope.. that you aren't entitled to anything to work out a certain way and in the end its just gonna be what its gonna be.

 

On the grand scale if we weren't highly adaptable as a species we would be long gone. On the micro level those that get mired in the past of their relationship and can't get beyond the vision they had for the way things were going to be tend to go nowhere and fast - and its not their ex that has ruined their life.. it is them.

 

- OK so back to it.. so I have recognized im on the downward spiral. I have taken a deep breath and sat down.. and thought it through clearly that I am in a reactionary state and I have applied the three rules to analyze the scenario at hand. Half the time now I just laugh and go.. yup.. AGAIN. "What am I worked up over? Basically im not getting what I want or thought I wanted...." ya and So? Thats a part of life its gonna probably happen again and again. You will win some and you will loose some.

 

So in essence, I use it as a way of controlling my emotions as opposed to having my emotions control me.

 

Is it a cure... NO is it even right? Who bloody knows.. But it makes me stop and almost laugh at myself. And to me, that beats lying in bed wishing for a life ending heart attack.

 

Before I wrap up I wanna address one last point.

 

Regrets.

 

REGRETS ARE POISON

 

Getting caught up in the mental game of "Should have, Could have, Would Have" is the typically the biggest waste of time (sometimes though you really are a POS and you need some good therapy work - eg. physcially abusive people, mentally abusive and people with drug or alcohol problems etc.)

 

As far as I know, you can't undo the past. Those that are smart learn from it.

 

I wouldn't undo anything, I would live it all over again. I have had a blessed life, I have had everything I have ever wanted, im even proud of my relationship even though its now ending. While there is always room for more and I stand ready for whatever will come my way - I could die tomorrow, quite happy having lived my life, one without regret

[confusedx10]

i get what youre saying oracle, but if you love him and he loves you then why wouldnt you make it work? Sometimes i know its hard and you might need space. but you said the love with any other guy will never be the same. you can be happy but its different.. make it work with him. you definitely need space but i think if you guys love each other and are meant to be, youll get back together..

 

i am in the same situation. for a couple reasons, my boyfriend and i broke up. we still love each other though, we both said it. maybe we wont work now but i think later we will find our way back. we can be happy with other but itll never compare

[oracle]

i get what youre saying oracle, but if you love him and he loves you then why wouldnt you make it work? Sometimes i know its hard and you might need space. but you said the love with any other guy will never be the same. you can be happy but its different.. make it work with him. you definitely need space but i think if you guys love each other and are meant to be, youll get back together..

 

i am in the same situation. for a couple reasons, my boyfriend and i broke up. we still love each other though, we both said it. maybe we wont work now but i think later we will find our way back. we can be happy with other but itll never compare

 

Love isn't the end all be all and a reason to stay together. There are plenty of people who "love" someone that is not good for them - still not a reason to stay together.

 

And Is it Love? Or is it just attachment?

 

There is no meant to be. Life will be what you decide to make it.

[TaraMaiden]

You're Buddhist, aren't you....? No, you are.... no, trust me - you are....

 

...yeah, you are.....!

[confusedx10]

youre right, it isnt. you still have to live your life regardless of your love life. HOWEVER being happy is more important than anything, (i think) including money. SO if you love him and he makes you happy then dont lose hope. Distance is what you need. Youll both make positive changes during this time and see where that goes. No, you might not get back together but for me id want to remain friends. If he makes you happy then dont let him go.

[oracle]

youre right, it isnt. you still have to live your life regardless of your love life. HOWEVER being happy is more important than anything, (i think) including money. SO if you love him and he makes you happy then dont lose hope. Distance is what you need. Youll both make positive changes during this time and see where that goes. No, you might not get back together but for me id want to remain friends. If he makes you happy then dont let him go.

 

 

Confusedx10 - lots of people can make you happy.

 

Distance doesn't change anything. It makes you miss the person, yes. Thats the rule 2 at play. However coming together again will bring the same end results.

 

You need to re-read my two commentaries because there are some key things you are missing.

 

Trust me... Unlike most people I have LIVED WITH my ex for 2 years following separation. Including working together and selling off a multimillion dollar company.

 

I have moved the goal posts a million times on the "well once event 'X" happens things will change" Everything imaginable.. him taking off for a month to drive across the country and having sex with other guys for the first time in his life.. me dating other people etc. etc.

 

Eventually what you realize is that the core issues and personality conflicts are always going to be there.

 

Like I said... it was always difficult but It just became the landscape, the constant conflict and hot and cold - you don't know any different anymore. Till you step out and experience new things.

 

And listen up everyone - The relationship thats starts in blood, typically ends in blood.

 

Ie. If there is conflict and problems right away... RUN cause that never changes.

 

OR the scenario where you are the other "person" and seeing someone that is married...ya if he cheats on them.. he will cheat on you. For godsake stay away from married people.

 

I always tell my young gay friends that get into relationships... if you want this to work STAY THE F*CK AWAY from the gay community. RULE 2 again.. people always want whats not readily available to them.

[Dark Phoenix]

Love isn't the end all be all and a reason to stay together. There are plenty of people who "love" someone that is not good for them - still not a reason to stay together.

 

And Is it Love? Or is it just attachment?

 

There is no meant to be. Life will be what you decide to make it.

 

FYI: Love = attachment. This is the basic concept of I love you but not in love with you

 

The problem is people that do not understand this which is a HUGE majority of people in general

 

People truly dont understand what "LOVE" is

 

Also, everyone has CORE issues (baggage). There is no one that's perfect. That's where acceptance comes in. Accepting a person for who they are. If you can't then its your responsibility to leave the relationship, not hang around and wait for them to change or them to end it

Edited August 22, 2012 by Dark Phoenix

[robaday]

Thats one really really cool post!!

 

Not just applicable for breakups but for life in general. That self awareness that shxxt happens, you cant control it, but you can control yourself.

 

Humans all around us are trying to control things they simply have no power over. That attachment to control, is your undoing, I guess, the ability to step back from a situation, relax, and let the shxxt unfold is what i wish i had within me.

 

Funny isnt it. You spend your life thinking if i buy her flowers, tell her i love her, take her on amazing trips, experiment in bed........shell never leave.....shes another person, with different values, needs, wants, life stages, ideas, expectations and emotions.....ya just gotta enjoy the ride i guess.

[oracle]

Thats one really really cool post!!

 

Not just applicable for breakups but for life in general. That self awareness that shxxt happens, you cant control it, but you can control yourself.

 

Humans all around us are trying to control things they simply have no power over. That attachment to control, is your undoing, I guess, the ability to step back from a situation, relax, and let the shxxt unfold is what i wish i had within me.

 

Funny isnt it. You spend your life thinking if i buy her flowers, tell her i love her, take her on amazing trips, experiment in bed........shell never leave.....shes another person, with different values, needs, wants, life stages, ideas, expectations and emotions.....ya just gotta enjoy the ride i guess.

 

 

Thanks... the 3 rules apply to every aspect of life - I think.. I have been trying to find where it doesn't fit, but inevitably it does.

 

Thanks for the feedback. always like to hear from people, including those who wish to challenge the ideas (except any that are god/religion based)

[oracle]

FYI: Love = attachment. This is the basic concept of I love you but not in love with you

 

The problem is people that do not understand this which is a HUGE majority of people in general

 

People truly dont understand what "LOVE" is

 

Also, everyone has CORE issues (baggage). There is no one that's perfect. That's where acceptance comes in. Accepting a person for who they are. If you can't then its your responsibility to leave the relationship, not hang around and wait for them to change or them to end it

 

 

Yup.. as Dan Savage says. "You don't settle down with out a little settling for."

 

I am partially with you on the attachment.. For me the Jury is still out.

 

I think 99.9% percent of all the emotional responses people are on here writing about are more attachment based than anything else. Rule 2 kicks in big time on dumpees and the pursuer / distancer game starts. That is typically always attachment / control based.

 

I think actual love is a step beyond that. Love is when you are willing to put the happiness and well being of the other person above your own and you are happy to do that, no bitterness attached. Some parents typically have this "level of Love" for their children (SOME - Not all)

 

I also think some people are capable of attachment only and not really the higher level of love... The selfish streak in us all can seem to over ride that

[Elephant in the Room]

This is great advice, I'll have to start forcing myself to realize these whenever I feel my emotions are getting the best of me as well. I too am sensing a lot of buddhism, makes me want to get back into reading the buddhist texts I have from when I took a class on such in college.

[TaraMaiden]

(if ever you want to discuss Buddhism, you might like to see this thread just as a refresher....)

 

Nice to see you.

[oracle]

This is great advice, I'll have to start forcing myself to realize these whenever I feel my emotions are getting the best of me as well. I too am sensing a lot of buddhism, makes me want to get back into reading the buddhist texts I have from when I took a class on such in college.

 

HAHAH thanks for the feedback.

 

I can assure everyone there is nothing budhist about me, I don't follow or study any type of spirituality per se. From the Buddhist point of view, lesbian and gay sex is generally considered sexual misconduct and not acceptable - I have seen the dalai lama himself say that in an interview. SO that pretty much kills my interest in that!

 

I did go to Catholic school for 13 years so I am well versed in theological dogma.

 

I am a big fan of the late Christopher Hitchens. I miss his intellect, his wit and his unwavering tenacity.

[TaraMaiden]

HAHAH thanks for the feedback.

 

I can assure everyone there is nothing budhist about me, I don't follow or study any type of spirituality per se. From the Buddhist point of view, lesbian and gay sex is generally considered sexual misconduct and not acceptable - I have seen the dalai lama himself say that in an interview. SO that pretty much kills my interest in that!

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!!

 

First of all, the Dalai Lama is head of only one specific Tradition within Tibetan (Mahayana) Buddhism, specifically "The Way of Virtue" (Gelugpa). This Tantaric school of Buddhism is of the Kadampa tradition He was also, until recently, the Political leader of Exiled Tibet - a role he has relinquished.

He does not represent the entire scope of Buddhist traditions and schools, and is most certainly not represenmtative of all Buddhists, and neither do all Buddhist traditions, schools and sectors hold this view!!

On the contrary, Theravada Buddhism makes absolutely no mention whatsoever of any differentiation of gender in sexuality. The concept of homosexuality being misconduct, is to be found only in Tibetan/Mahayana traditions, much of which arose as personal dogma and scripture, far removed from the Buddha's original instructions and teachings.

sexual misconduct, according to Theravada tradition, has nothing to do with your gender, it has merely to do with action.

 

You might - when you have a spare hour (!) on your hands, like to have a look at this link:

 

And also in the FAQ, What were the Buddha's views on sexual orientation and gender identity?

 

 

I did go to Catholic school for 13 years so I am well versed in theological dogma.

Yeah - you 'n' me both - why do you think I'm Buddhist - ?!?

[oracle]

Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong!!

 

First of all, the Dalai Lama is head of only one specific Tradition within Tibetan (Mahayana) Buddhism, specifically "The Way of Virtue" (Gelugpa). This Tantaric school of Buddhism is of the Kadampa tradition He was also, until recently, the Political leader of Exiled Tibet - a role he has relinquished.

He does not represent the entire scope of Buddhist traditions and schools, and is most certainly not represenmtative of all Buddhists, and neither do all Buddhist traditions, schools and sectors hold this view!!

On the contrary, Theravada Buddhism makes absolutely no mention whatsoever of any differentiation of gender in sexuality. The concept of homosexuality being misconduct, is to be found only in Tibetan/Mahayana traditions, much of which arose as personal dogma and scripture, far removed from the Buddha's original instructions and teachings.

sexual misconduct, according to Theravada tradition, has nothing to do with your gender, it has merely to do with action.

 

You might - when you have a spare hour (!) on your hands, like to have a look at this link:

 

And also in the FAQ, What were the Buddha's views on sexual orientation and gender identity?

 

 

 

Yeah - you 'n' me both - why do you think I'm Buddhist - ?!?

 

 

I stand corrected. I will have a look when I can. Thanks for the info!

[TaraMaiden]

Good.

 

 

Carry on.

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

You come of a bit of a cynic.....text words can come off ywo very different ways depending on how they are read.

 

I agree that lova doe not conquer all. Relationships are more about compatability and being able to function as a unit in life than just love.

 

I also feel many of the problems in relationships come from the idea of not wanting to "settle". The people want to look for Mr/Ms 110% which just doesnt exist thus they pass over the 80-85% ones that cross their paths.

[oracle]

You come of a bit of a cynic.....text words can come off ywo very different ways depending on how they are read.

 

I agree that lova doe not conquer all. Relationships are more about compatability and being able to function as a unit in life than just love.

 

I also feel many of the problems in relationships come from the idea of not wanting to "settle". The people want to look for Mr/Ms 110% which just doesnt exist thus they pass over the 80-85% ones that cross their paths.

 

Ya but I settled a little TOO much.. show me many people that do 14yrs from age 19...let alone gay males. The 2nd time around people are less willing to compromise (atleast I am)

 

I don't want my happines to hinge on "being with someone" thats a terrible place to operate from, and sadly one that many people choose to or end up at.

[stealth95]

Oracle,

I enjoyed reading your post. It made sense.

 

Thank You

[oracle]

Oracle,

I enjoyed reading your post. It made sense.

 

Thank You

 

 

Thanks, I am glad you got something out of it. Always happy to hear from people, or to have people challenge the rules.