NC and sister FB delete

[LostOne1]

So my story has been posted and long. Basically it's almost been 1 month of NC after a really bad breakup with my girlfriend.

 

My ex's sister had me added on FB for over a year now and finally now approaching a month she deletes me off her FB. I DID however, add her to my restricted group on FB, mostly because I didn't want my ex snooping on my profile through her sister's profile. Anyways today I realized her sister deleted me, unless she logged into her sisters account.

 

Gotta say it hurt for a few mins to see it. I felt like I had a connection as long as I had her family member around me. Now there is absolutely no link. I am blocked by my ex from before on FB a month ago, and now her sister deletes me off too.

 

Which makes me wonder now why? Is it because my ex talked to her and made it official that she is done with me?

 

Another thing I noticed was a few days ago I was on MSN messenger and she logged in while I was online. She stayed on for about 1-2 mins and went offline. I don't get what the point was? Was it, because she logged in after a long time? or because she wanted to see if I would msg her? Or was it to kinda put it in my face?

 

I know she hasn't deleted me on msn off her list, it's possible she blocked me but didn't delete me.

 

I hate to say it, but part of me has been going NC for myself and partly because since she left me, I felt that overtime she will miss me and reach out. It's possble there was another guy involved with her, I'm not sure, because she mentioned it and things about him then at the end said there was no one and she said it so I'd move on. And things went crazy from there with me lashing out hurt by it. So either she said it out of anger to get to me, or she is seeing someone else. Not sure, and I don't know if I care as much now. I just know she does have anger issues, when she gets mad she goes off and says tons of stuff she later says sorry for and does stupid things sometimes just out of anger.

 

Our breakup ended badly though, and I feel maybe she might be to embarrassed to reach out or feel like fixing things might not be possible. I mean I did some crazy stuff like posting how she cheated on me on FB, my sister called her and they fought, my parents know, so I can see why she might feel like never talking now for sure.

 

And I told myself no matter what I wouldn't text, call, email or make any contact at all. Her last ex while I was with her would randomly always call and beg her to take him back and how hes changed. Sadly at first I did the same while we were breaking up. But for a month now I haven't made any contact not even when she came on msn.

 

I just wish there was some way to reach out to her. I mean if there IS another guy, then I'd move on and know I don't want to be with her. But if shes worried or things that everyone I know will hate her now, then I think she's wrong. Fact is I have no idea what she feels right now.

 

That msn moment kinda made me feel like maybe she was trying to get a reaction out of me. I think this might be the first time a guy has never contacted her after a relationship is over. I just don't know what to do right now.

 

Like I said in some ways I want to reach out and see what's going on and if we can talk, but I don't want to give signs that I'm longing for her, because at the end of the day that will let her know she made a good decision or just allow her to be at peace more.

Edited September 21, 2012 by LostOne1

[MonsterMash]

Facebook makes for great psychological warfare....if you're into that kinda thing. Post about how great your life is, new photos of you smiling....hanging out with friends. Bonus points if you can get a hot chick to stand close to you. Act like you're having the time of your life.....even if you're dying inside.

 

Then the joke is on your ex and she'll be unhappy cause you are happy. Its a win win.

[LostOne1]

Facebook makes for great psychological warfare....if you're into that kinda thing. Post about how great your life is, new photos of you smiling....hanging out with friends. Bonus points if you can get a hot chick to stand close to you. Act like you're having the time of your life.....even if you're dying inside.

 

Then the joke is on your ex and she'll be unhappy cause you are happy. Its a win win.

Well the problem is that's kinda useless unless I add that to my profile pic.

 

I mean my ex has me blocked on FB, so she can't see anything related to me. Her sister now just deleted me as a friend today, so once again won't be able to see anything. I have posted up pics and what not having fun with friends. But I decided to make everything more hidden from my ex, because that way she will be left wondering and has to reach out to me to get any information.

 

If I just display information, then she doesn't need to reach out. She will assume I moved on and I don't know how she will feel. Either shes going to be happy, because she can move on or has. Or, it will hurt her and she might wanna talk.

 

I just felt if I kept things away from her she has to reach out to me. But from what I know, she has a huge ego and pride. I know for me she would put it aside sometimes to say sorry after a fight. But after our breakup, in some forms I don't know how it will go.

 

it's like on my end I don't want to budge and I'm guessing on her end she doesn't want to budge meaning neither of us goes anywhere.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think her sister deleting you is more reason to strengthen your resolve on NC. Right now there is nothing you can do to make her ex change her mind -- she's gotta do it on her own. Obviously she's trying to make the break stick. Just let her do it. It sucks, but it's the way it is right now.

 

Just use this quote from Forgetting Sarah Marshall -- "If life gives you lemons, say f--k the lemons and bail."

[Sameold]

See I know what you mean and I for sure want my ex to see me when I am completely back on my feet. However, with her blocked on fb now I kind of feel that avenue is off as unblocking would ruin the impact of my sentiments after she dumped me. Also, can we really believe anyone's statuses on fb?

My ex is posting about how happy she is to be off on holiday and tagging herself and her bf in to locations and stuff....but do we all take it as read? I don't think we should.

 

When dumpers move on I'd imagine they generally try and get on with life ASAP, start seeing someone else and keep very busy. Are they happy? Maybe, but they sure as hell have to try to believe it because if they don't then who else will...Like I said when people make their beds they have to lie in them.

[LostOne1]

I think her sister deleting you is more reason to strengthen your resolve on NC. Right now there is nothing you can do to make her ex change her mind -- she's gotta do it on her own. Obviously she's trying to make the break stick. Just let her do it. It sucks, but it's the way it is right now.

 

Just use this quote from Forgetting Sarah Marshall -- "If life gives you lemons, say f--k the lemons and bail."

The thing with my ex is.. normally when she makes a decision she sticks with it till the end. I think only with me has she ever in her life has not stuck with a decision. eg. we had a small break up before a year back only for a few days and she said she wanted to meet me and then in person was trying to break up with me. I don't know how I did it, but she changed her mind after talking to me and seeing how it hurt me.

 

This time she didn't want to see me at all. And she did say "you can't always have it go your way".

 

I just never have EVER seen her this cold hearted towards me and this angered. It was like the love was all gone and she just went off on me. There was only one day where I called texted her so much she called and yelled at me for making her phone buzz so much. THen hung up and a few hours later called and apologized. Though I ignored her for that day, and saw how crazy she got when I didn't reply right away.

[LostOne1]

See I know what you mean and I for sure want my ex to see me when I am completely back on my feet. However, with her blocked on fb now I kind of feel that avenue is off as unblocking would ruin the impact of my sentiments after she dumped me. Also, can we really believe anyone's statuses on fb?

My ex is posting about how happy she is to be off on holiday and tagging herself and her bf in to locations and stuff....but do we all take it as read? I don't think we should.

 

When dumpers move on I'd imagine they generally try and get on with life ASAP, start seeing someone else and keep very busy. Are they happy? Maybe, but they sure as hell have to try to believe it because if they don't then who else will...Like I said when people make their beds they have to lie in them.

agree with you there, I think dumpers have to believe or make themselves believe it was a good decision. Otherwise they will feel regret and guilt, which is why some go after their ex against. They learned they messed up or made a bad decision.

 

In my case, so far I'm guessing my ex thinks she has made the right one. I know I tried to convince her many times before, but out of the 2 weeks we were talking there was ONLY ONE day where I convinced her and we talked normally. She goes home BOOM the next day she's that cold person again.

 

I don't know if she will ever budge now or not. I think so far she had told herself she doesn't want me or need me. And is probably pushing herself that way and/or she has found someone else. But I don't know for sure, nor do we have any mutual friends. And, I for hell am happy I never asked her sister LOL.

 

With her sister deleting me off FB, I know she woulda told her sister about anything I would have shared with her or asked her. So really as I said earlier, we have no real link now. It's more of a guessing game.

 

I'm wondering if she thinks I moved on since I never msg her on MSN, or have contacted her. Or that she thinks I hate her guts now.

 

My only guess is if her sister deleted me off FB today at almost a month of NC. Then that means my ex has told her it's officially over. I can't see why her sis would delete me off FB unless it's because I put her in my restricted list and felt there is no use sharing her info, if im not sharing mines.

[Simon Phoenix]

The thing with my ex is.. normally when she makes a decision she sticks with it till the end. I think only with me has she ever in her life has not stuck with a decision. eg. we had a small break up before a year back only for a few days and she said she wanted to meet me and then in person was trying to break up with me. I don't know how I did it, but she changed her mind after talking to me and seeing how it hurt me.

 

This time she didn't want to see me at all. And she did say "you can't always have it go your way".

 

I just never have EVER seen her this cold hearted towards me and this angered. It was like the love was all gone and she just went off on me. There was only one day where I called texted her so much she called and yelled at me for making her phone buzz so much. THen hung up and a few hours later called and apologized. Though I ignored her for that day, and saw how crazy she got when I didn't reply right away.

 

I hear you dude. Problem is that it's really not up to you and there's nothing really you can do except heal yourself. To get it back you have to be willing to give it up completely, and even then you might not get it back.

 

Say you did see her right now and you were able to convince her to come back. How long do you think that would last honestly? I'd bet a decent sum of money that you'd be here in a few months (at longest) lamenting another break up. She'll never be able to resolve her issues with you (whatever they are) until you have disappeared. It sucks because it goes against every instinct you have, just thinking that if I say this or do this she'll come around. She won't.

 

I'm coming to a similar conclusion in my own situation. After unsuccessfully trying to get together with her after the break and state my case I went NC for a month, which I was forced out of because I had to see her. That was a couple weeks ago and since then it's been push and pull, she'll give an indicator of warming back up then back off. I guess she's more open and friendly to me right now than she was at this point a month ago, but she's still balking at any suggestion in the ballpark of us hanging one on one. And this will likely continue until I truly say "f--k it" and completely fall away. I might make one more strong push (I've been trying to finesse it right now because she broke up with me as a result of me getting scared of my feelings and basically bailing on her) before I fall away, but unless that somehow works (which it won't because romantic comedies don't apply to real life) I gotta bail.

[LostOne1]

I hear you dude. Problem is that it's really not up to you and there's nothing really you can do except heal yourself. To get it back you have to be willing to give it up completely, and even then you might not get it back.

 

Say you did see her right now and you were able to convince her to come back. How long do you think that would last honestly? I'd bet a decent sum of money that you'd be here in a few months (at longest) lamenting another break up. She'll never be able to resolve her issues with you (whatever they are) until you have disappeared. It sucks because it goes against every instinct you have, just thinking that if I say this or do this she'll come around. She won't.

 

I'm coming to a similar conclusion in my own situation. After unsuccessfully trying to get together with her after the break and state my case I went NC for a month, which I was forced out of because I had to see her. That was a couple weeks ago and since then it's been push and pull, she'll give an indicator of warming back up then back off. I guess she's more open and friendly to me right now than she was at this point a month ago, but she's still balking at any suggestion in the ballpark of us hanging one on one. And this will likely continue until I truly say "f--k it" and completely fall away. I might make one more strong push (I've been trying to finesse it right now because she broke up with me as a result of me getting scared of my feelings and basically bailing on her) before I fall away, but unless that somehow works (which it won't because romantic comedies don't apply to real life) I gotta bail.

yeah it's tough... it just bugged me that her sister deleting me too. Because that has to mean something or has to have a reason. It definitely means she WAS trying to access my profile or she wouldn't have known I added her to a restricted group. Now it's just a matter of did she do it, because she knows my ex told her its officially done and there is no chance for reconciliation?

 

I'm not sure about the issues. I mean I feel like I'm a month behind her. Since she was away in another city, she told me she had thought about it for a week when I didn't talk to her. And she cried and what not and decided she didn't need or want me anymore. So she is already kinda ahead of me in the moving on process. Would things be resolved now? I don't know, but I can say I feel like a changed person. I sense the things I always messed up on or didn't pickup then and now I see them. The only thing is I don't know if she believes that or thinks I've changed.

 

All I know is she had said "what's the point of changing now when I dump you". "I always used to tell you that one day you would realize it and it will be too late".

 

I guess in some ways if I know her, I feel like with more NC time it's just going to be more easier for her to move on then for myself. Like others have said her being the dumper she sort of has the advantage and control.

[Simon Phoenix]

yeah it's tough... it just bugged me that her sister deleting me too. Because that has to mean something or has to have a reason. It definitely means she WAS trying to access my profile or she wouldn't have known I added her to a restricted group. Now it's just a matter of did she do it, because she knows my ex told her its officially done and there is no chance for reconciliation?

 

I'm not sure about the issues. I mean I feel like I'm a month behind her. Since she was away in another city, she told me she had thought about it for a week when I didn't talk to her. And she cried and what not and decided she didn't need or want me anymore. So she is already kinda ahead of me in the moving on process. Would things be resolved now? I don't know, but I can say I feel like a changed person. I sense the things I always messed up on or didn't pickup then and now I see them. The only thing is I don't know if she believes that or thinks I've changed.

 

All I know is she had said "what's the point of changing now when I dump you". "I always used to tell you that one day you would realize it and it will be too late".

 

I guess in some ways if I know her, I feel like with more NC time it's just going to be more easier for her to move on then for myself. Like others have said her being the dumper she sort of has the advantage and control.

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. When you stick around in her life, she's not able to flush out the negative feelings she has because you are there. When you disappear, eventually she stops thinking about the stuff she dislikes about you. Then after that, when she thinks of you, the good stuff will begin to flow in more than the negativity that ended the relationship. The odds of you getting back with her aren't good, but they are much better if you allow her to process whatever negative wiring she has in her head instead of trying to press it and making her stand up for her decision out of spite and stubborness.

 

And she's a month ahead of you because she started breaking up with you in her mind a month ago. She was slowly detaching herself from you until she was ready to drop the bomb. That's how women operate. Mine wasn't like that because my relationship was short, but it was at a stage where she still was looking for red-flag trigger behaviors. I gave her one and she withdrew.

 

As for the family thing, they are supporting her. That's the way it's going to be for the most part. Even in my situation I'm friends with her sister (knew her sister for years before I met the ex), but I'm not counting on the sister to help me out. She's my friend, but she's an older sister first and foremost and she'll support her sister through thick and thin and won't undermine her decision. She might give her sister a wakeup call in private occasionally. When I saw my ex she was cold/distant/annoyed/almost rude the first time we hang out and suddenly friendlier and almost normal two days later. I wouldn't doubt the sister told the ex to cut the act and that she was making everyone uncomfortable, but she'll never take sides with me against my ex, though if my ex had a change of heart I bet the sister would be all about it.

 

My ex's brother-in-law obviously is on my side, but my ex knows this and won't confide in him at all right now. And while he's rooting for me, he also doesn't want to get involved besides being a sounding board for me because he doesn't want to invoke the wrath of his wife. And I'm not going to create any tension between them (who encouraged my ex to contact me in the first place). It's a weird situation.

[LostOne1]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. When you stick around in her life, she's not able to flush out the negative feelings she has because you are there. When you disappear, eventually she stops thinking about the stuff she dislikes about you. Then after that, when she thinks of you, the good stuff will begin to flow in more than the negativity that ended the relationship. The odds of you getting back with her aren't good, but they are much better if you allow her to process whatever negative wiring she has in her head instead of trying to press it and making her stand up for her decision out of spite and stubborness.

 

And she's a month ahead of you because she started breaking up with you in her mind a month ago. She was slowly detaching herself from you until she was ready to drop the bomb. That's how women operate. Mine wasn't like that because my relationship was short, but it was at a stage where she still was looking for red-flag trigger behaviors. I gave her one and she withdrew.

 

As for the family thing, they are supporting her. That's the way it's going to be for the most part. Even in my situation I'm friends with her sister (knew her sister for years before I met the ex), but I'm not counting on the sister to help me out. She's my friend, but she's an older sister first and foremost and she'll support her sister through thick and thin and won't undermine her decision. She might give her sister a wakeup call in private occasionally. When I saw my ex she was cold/distant/annoyed/almost rude the first time we hang out and suddenly friendlier and almost normal two days later. I wouldn't doubt the sister told the ex to cut the act and that she was making everyone uncomfortable, but she'll never take sides with me against my ex, though if my ex had a change of heart I bet the sister would be all about it.

 

My ex's brother-in-law obviously is on my side, but my ex knows this and won't confide in him at all right now. And while he's rooting for me, he also doesn't want to get involved besides being a sounding board for me because he doesn't want to invoke the wrath of his wife. And I'm not going to create any tension between them (who encouraged my ex to contact me in the first place). It's a weird situation.

man.. I feel for you.

 

For my ex this was the FIRST time in her 25 years, that she introduced a guy to her siblings. They were all shocked, because they didn't expect her to be with someone. Maybe she was crazy! LOL but with me she was totally different like a loving side of her came out with me. That's why her siblings were shocked, she was a very aggressive and hard working person, but with me just loving and caring. It was odd seeing her go from one mode to the other.

 

I don't know if absense works man? I mean if absense worked wouldn't she have gone back to her ex, who always called her and appologized? I think that guy treated her worse than I did... I mean I wasn't ALWAYS there for my girl, but I always tried to be when I could. I will admit the time she went away for 2 months was tough, I made promises I couldn't keep eg. talking to her daily at night.

 

It hurts to know that she could ever be so cold to me. A person, who was always worried about me and checking up on me walking home at night and now just hating me and saying I did nothing for her ever... it's painful. I'd admit I did some stuff, but she did WAY more for me.

 

The thing is if she was building it up in her head and then just throwing the bomb down on me... how can that decision ever become reversed? I assume she made the decision while her mind was clear? I just know the day she told me I went off on her, I couldn't believe her and it all happening. Then after that it was a struggle of me texting her or calling and over time her getting more and more colder to me as days went by till she got back and we got into the biggest fight ever.

 

Not sure how her heart can grow fonder. I mean her ex before me treated her badly and she never grew fond of him, what makes me any different? The only thing I can think of is that I haven't contacted her since our fight when she got back. Maybe she expects me to cry and beg?

[Simon Phoenix]

man.. I feel for you.

 

For my ex this was the FIRST time in her 25 years, that she introduced a guy to her siblings. They were all shocked, because they didn't expect her to be with someone. Maybe she was crazy! LOL but with me she was totally different like a loving side of her came out with me. That's why her siblings were shocked, she was a very aggressive and hard working person, but with me just loving and caring. It was odd seeing her go from one mode to the other.

 

I don't know if absense works man? I mean if absense worked wouldn't she have gone back to her ex, who always called her and appologized? I think that guy treated her worse than I did... I mean I wasn't ALWAYS there for my girl, but I always tried to be when I could. I will admit the time she went away for 2 months was tough, I made promises I couldn't keep eg. talking to her daily at night.

 

It hurts to know that she could ever be so cold to me. A person, who was always worried about me and checking up on me walking home at night and now just hating me and saying I did nothing for her ever... it's painful. I'd admit I did some stuff, but she did WAY more for me.

 

The thing is if she was building it up in her head and then just throwing the bomb down on me... how can that decision ever become reversed? I assume she made the decision while her mind was clear? I just know the day she told me I went off on her, I couldn't believe her and it all happening. Then after that it was a struggle of me texting her or calling and over time her getting more and more colder to me as days went by till she got back and we got into the biggest fight ever.

 

Not sure how her heart can grow fonder. I mean her ex before me treated her badly and she never grew fond of him, what makes me any different? The only thing I can think of is that I haven't contacted her since our fight when she got back. Maybe she expects me to cry and beg?

 

If her other ex kept calling and apologizing, he wasn't absent. When I say absent, I mean completely absent in every way, shape or form. No in-person meetings, no phone calls, no texts, no snooping around using mutual friends or acquaintances, no liking Facebook statuses, nothing.

 

She's being cold to you because she's trying to detach herself and convince herself that she is right in her decision. No matter what she says, she has doubts about it. If you try to fight that coldness, you are feeding into her negative feelings for you. If you act like it's no big deal, it throws her off and gets her flustered and questioning her decision.

 

My ex played cold with me (had been extremely warm and affectionate before, even told her brother-in-law that she was so happy him and his wife convinced her to seek me out because she loved spending time with me so much) but I acted normal, as if I expected it and didn't pay it any mind. Since then she's alternated between being friendly and giving me positive signs and pulling back. Even when she was acting cold to be she was breaking character every so often to laugh at something I said, to smile when I called her by the nickname I gave her, etc. She'd revert to the ice princess, but my nonchalant reaction to her coldness definitely threw her for a bit of a loop.

 

And there's no way your ex's mind was clear when she broke up with you. It was filled with negative feelings toward you. When I say clear, that means she's not thinking about the negativity that was on her mind. Her mind would be clear when it comes to you, which would allow her to see the positive again. But that can't happen if you keep making your presence felt. Right now you represent stress and anxiety and you will continue to if you continue to try to keep after her.

 

And do not beg or cry. That would be the worst possible idea ever. That might work in movies, but in real life that's basically giving her a loaded gun and asking her to shoot you in the head. Plus, you are a man who has pride -- don't lower yourself like that. You can apologize (which you already have I'm sure) without taking it to that level. And once you apologize, stop apologizing -- it does no good and it just reinforces her belief that you are wrong.

[Simon Phoenix]

Also, as far as the absence making the heart grow fonder thing, that has definitely happened for me. I've had two situations with relationships where for whatever reason we went into a long no-contact session. One had an extremely ugly aftermath to the breakup (she was a co-worker and tried to get me in trouble at work because she was mad at how everything with me went down) and another was one where I was bitter because she didn't want to go to the next level and broke it off.

 

The first one saw us not talk for about a year and when we got back in touch, she was extremely apologetic and I, having let the whole thing being removed from my system, actually accepted her apology. We talked again two months later and were even doing some heavy flirting, though I ultimately decided it was better not to go down that road again. There were no hard feelings though and she's a Facebook friend of mine still. The second was about five months of no contact, as she moved away. Allowed both of us to get the bitterness out of our system. When I did see her after five months, bygones were bygones and the both of us, while not looking to hook up, were able to enjoy each other's company. Neither one of those situations would have resumed being friendly or flirty without a prolonged no contact. It allowed everyone to get all of the bull**** out of their system and reset a bit.

[LostOne1]

If her other ex kept calling and apologizing, he wasn't absent. When I say absent, I mean completely absent in every way, shape or form. No in-person meetings, no phone calls, no texts, no snooping around using mutual friends or acquaintances, no liking Facebook statuses, nothing.

 

She's being cold to you because she's trying to detach herself and convince herself that she is right in her decision. No matter what she says, she has doubts about it. If you try to fight that coldness, you are feeding into her negative feelings for you. If you act like it's no big deal, it throws her off and gets her flustered and questioning her decision.

 

My ex played cold with me (had been extremely warm and affectionate before, even told her brother-in-law that she was so happy him and his wife convinced her to seek me out because she loved spending time with me so much) but I acted normal, as if I expected it and didn't pay it any mind. Since then she's alternated between being friendly and giving me positive signs and pulling back. Even when she was acting cold to be she was breaking character every so often to laugh at something I said, to smile when I called her by the nickname I gave her, etc. She'd revert to the ice princess, but my nonchalant reaction to her coldness definitely threw her for a bit of a loop.

 

And there's no way your ex's mind was clear when she broke up with you. It was filled with negative feelings toward you. When I say clear, that means she's not thinking about the negativity that was on her mind. Her mind would be clear when it comes to you, which would allow her to see the positive again. But that can't happen if you keep making your presence felt. Right now you represent stress and anxiety and you will continue to if you continue to try to keep after her.

 

And do not beg or cry. That would be the worst possible idea ever. That might work in movies, but in real life that's basically giving her a loaded gun and asking her to shoot you in the head. Plus, you are a man who has pride -- don't lower yourself like that. You can apologize (which you already have I'm sure) without taking it to that level. And once you apologize, stop apologizing -- it does no good and it just reinforces her belief that you are wrong.

Well I don't know how absent her ex was.. if I remember correctly, he might have started to call when she went out with me. But by then she loved me way too much to leave me for anyone else. She always told him it's too late, and shes moved on and found me now.

 

As for NC it's been 1 month almost. That day with the MSN thing threw me off, I'm on and she comes online stays on for 1-2 mins and leaves? No idea what she was doing or trying to pull, but I gave her nothing and no messages.

 

Then today her sister deletes me off FB, which means her sister was looking at my profile . I doubt my ex did it, because she technically should be working at the time I was deleted. Unless she told her sis too delete me. But if I know her well enough, she woulda said it's up to you if you wanna delete him. And since I already had her sis on restricted as friends, because I decided my ex might use her sisters account to snoop on mines. And I felt the best idea is to show her NOTHING and keep her thinking rather than put up happy pics of me and let her snoop around thinking im happy. Now she can play the guessing game if she wants too.

 

So then how did you and ur ex start talking if you broke up and she was cold towards you? Did she make the 1st move?

 

Oh and I can say, no more begging or crying. I'm over that, I for once feel like a man LOL. I mean I feel confident and just as if I know how to treat a girl better now. I can say for a fact if she met me now, she like who I am now after this experience.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well I don't know how absent her ex was.. if I remember correctly, he might have started to call when she went out with me. But by then she loved me way too much to leave me for anyone else. She always told him it's too late, and shes moved on and found me now.

 

As for NC it's been 1 month almost. That day with the MSN thing threw me off, I'm on and she comes online stays on for 1-2 mins and leaves? No idea what she was doing or trying to pull, but I gave her nothing and no messages.

 

Then today her sister deletes me off FB, which means her sister was looking at my profile . I doubt my ex did it, because she technically should be working at the time I was deleted. Unless she told her sis too delete me. But if I know her well enough, she woulda said it's up to you if you wanna delete him. And since I already had her sis on restricted as friends, because I decided my ex might use her sisters account to snoop on mines. And I felt the best idea is to show her NOTHING and keep her thinking rather than put up happy pics of me and let her snoop around thinking im happy. Now she can play the guessing game if she wants too.

 

So then how did you and ur ex start talking if you broke up and she was cold towards you? Did she make the 1st move?

 

Oh and I can say, no more begging or crying. I'm over that, I for once feel like a man LOL. I mean I feel confident and just as if I know how to treat a girl better now. I can say for a fact if she met me now, she like who I am now after this experience.

 

We broke up and she withdrew. I got her to agree to see me about a week after it happened but then she canceled on me and didn't return three straight texts/calls over a two-week span. So then I just backed off and went NC.

 

That went for a month, but I broke it out of necessity. Before we had our break, we scheduled a weekend with her and I and her sister and my friend, who were coming down from out of town. They were coming down regardless and neither one of us wanted to be the ******* who ruined the weekend, so we stuck with the plans. About a week before I saw her I broke NC by texting her asking if she needed help with anything (she was getting baseball tickets for the four of us), which turned into a short conversation after she asked how I was (responded with the quickness). The next day before that she offered me tickets to another sporting event (she works with season-ticket sales for a professional sports team) that would have had me hang out with her at least briefly. I couldn't go, so I turned them down.

 

So based on those things I'm thinking she's getting over whatever garbage she had in her head. But I finally saw her face-to-face and she was cold like I described. There were two days that we had tickets, so we hung out a second day after her cold day and she was much better. Not flirty or anything, but friendly and was actually interacting with me one-on-one instead of avoiding and ignoring. From there she tagged me in a funny picture on Facebook and responded "Hey thanks!" when I wished her a happy birthday yesterday over text. I then asked her what she was doing for her birthday, which she ignored. So she's obviously still pretty hesitant.

Edited September 22, 2012 by Simon Phoenix

[LostOne1]

We broke up and she withdrew. I got her to agree to see me about a week after it happened but then she canceled on me and didn't return three straight texts/calls over a two-week span. So then I just backed off and went NC.

 

That went for a month, but I broke it out of necessity. Before we had our break, we scheduled a weekend with her and I and her sister and my friend, who were coming down from out of town. They were coming down regardless and neither one of us wanted to be the ******* who ruined the weekend, so we stuck with the plans. About a week before I saw her I broke NC by texting her asking if she needed help with anything (she was getting baseball tickets for the four of us), which turned into a short conversation after she asked how I was (responded with the quickness). The next day before that she offered me tickets to another sporting event (she works with season-ticket sales for a professional sports team) that would have had me hang out with her at least briefly. I couldn't go, so I turned them down.

 

So based on those things I'm thinking she's getting over whatever garbage she had in her head. But I finally saw her face-to-face and she was cold like I described. There were two days that we had tickets, so we hung out a second day after her cold day and she was much better. Not flirty or anything, but friendly and was actually interacting with me one-on-one instead of avoiding and ignoring. From there she tagged me in a funny picture on Facebook and responded "Hey thanks!" when I wished her a happy birthday yesterday over text. I then asked her what she was doing for her birthday, which she ignored. So she's obviously still pretty hesitant.

man that's tough.... I think that's the hardest part of seeing the person face to face. I mean I guess if your strong enough then them being cold probably doesn't hurt as much?

 

So if it was up to you, then would you have kept NC longer if you didn't have to meet up that day?

 

I know when my ex was cold it was like someone was stabbing me in the chest. I had never seen her that way and I couldn't believe it was her and it wasn't her, just another side of her that I never wanted to see. She even used that side with my sister, and now my sister hates her. Though I've explained that it was her anger that came out and not her real side.

 

What I'm worried about is her ego and pride. I just have a feeling no matter how much she cares, she will always hold that ego and say she doesn't wanna talk or any of that if she ever did see me by accident anywhere. She is some what stubborn, where if she makes a decision she sticks to it and no one and I mean no one even her family can change it. If there ever was a person who could.. it would probably have been me. Just because she trusted me and always wanted to do anything for me. I just find it tough to say that time will make her ego and pride settle down... feels like it will always stay strong

[Simon Phoenix]

man that's tough.... I think that's the hardest part of seeing the person face to face. I mean I guess if your strong enough then them being cold probably doesn't hurt as much?

 

So if it was up to you, then would you have kept NC longer if you didn't have to meet up that day?

 

I know when my ex was cold it was like someone was stabbing me in the chest. I had never seen her that way and I couldn't believe it was her and it wasn't her, just another side of her that I never wanted to see. She even used that side with my sister, and now my sister hates her. Though I've explained that it was her anger that came out and not her real side.

 

What I'm worried about is her ego and pride. I just have a feeling no matter how much she cares, she will always hold that ego and say she doesn't wanna talk or any of that if she ever did see me by accident anywhere. She is some what stubborn, where if she makes a decision she sticks to it and no one and I mean no one even her family can change it. If there ever was a person who could.. it would probably have been me. Just because she trusted me and always wanted to do anything for me. I just find it tough to say that time will make her ego and pride settle down... feels like it will always stay strong

 

Honestly, her being cold in person didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I came in kind of expecting it, so I was able to roll with the punches. Plus, she would occasionally break the cold act to laugh or smile, so I knew that it was a front on some level. It was almost empowering to me -- was confirmation that I wasn't the only one having trouble with this whole thing. It was almost comforting to know that she was struggling as much as I was -- otherwise, why try so hard to be distant?

 

As for your girl, you have to realize that no matter what you do, you are probably over. What NC does is allows you to heal yourself and get away and gives you the best chance to get her back. It's still a crappy chance, but it's better than doing the sad bastard routine. You can't worry about what she is thinking or her ego because you can't control that. You have to do it for you. Hell, maybe you'll realize that she isn't this ideal that you've made her out to be and that you guys are better off separate. Getting stressed about things that are out of your control is a surefire way to be miserable.

[LostOne1]

Honestly, her being cold in person didn't bother me as much as I thought it would. I came in kind of expecting it, so I was able to roll with the punches. Plus, she would occasionally break the cold act to laugh or smile, so I knew that it was a front on some level. It was almost empowering to me -- was confirmation that I wasn't the only one having trouble with this whole thing. It was almost comforting to know that she was struggling as much as I was -- otherwise, why try so hard to be distant?

 

As for your girl, you have to realize that no matter what you do, you are probably over. What NC does is allows you to heal yourself and get away and gives you the best chance to get her back. It's still a crappy chance, but it's better than doing the sad bastard routine. You can't worry about what she is thinking or her ego because you can't control that. You have to do it for you. Hell, maybe you'll realize that she isn't this ideal that you've made her out to be and that you guys are better off separate. Getting stressed about things that are out of your control is a surefire way to be miserable.

well I'm glad things are looking up for you. Hopefully it all goes better as time goes on.

 

And ya I kinda have told myself anything I do won't make a difference now. I tried so hard a month ago and it didn't get me anywhere with her in fact made things much worse. I am using NC to heal and so far I never thought I'd make it to a month, but I actually have and that's been great.

 

But part of me wishes I could get another chance. Honestly there were LOTS of things I didn't like about her, but LOTS of things I did. I just feel at the end of it all, she never understood me and then lashed out on me and put all the blame on me so she would feel better about breaking up and justify it and live with herself peacefully. And, I bet each day she's telling herself that I was to blame for everything and she did everything for me and I did nothing. Which isn't true, I give her much more credit that she did do a lot more for me than I did for her.

 

But I guess that's how it is... sucks to see 3 yrs go down, wedding, kids, house plans go down as well. Time will tell if things get better or not, or if I find someone else and move on. No idea.. all I know is right now I do want to improve myself, but at the same time I still want her to be part of my life and me for hers. I just don't know if she wants that anymore...

 

Something just makes me feel like she's happy probably being single right now. Though with the weekend coming up maybe she might miss me more. When I saw her on msn it was on the weekend. So I guess well see what happens..

[Simon Phoenix]

well I'm glad things are looking up for you. Hopefully it all goes better as time goes on.

 

And ya I kinda have told myself anything I do won't make a difference now. I tried so hard a month ago and it didn't get me anywhere with her in fact made things much worse. I am using NC to heal and so far I never thought I'd make it to a month, but I actually have and that's been great.

 

But part of me wishes I could get another chance. Honestly there were LOTS of things I didn't like about her, but LOTS of things I did. I just feel at the end of it all, she never understood me and then lashed out on me and put all the blame on me so she would feel better about breaking up and justify it and live with herself peacefully. And, I bet each day she's telling herself that I was to blame for everything and she did everything for me and I did nothing. Which isn't true, I give her much more credit that she did do a lot more for me than I did for her.

 

But I guess that's how it is... sucks to see 3 yrs go down, wedding, kids, house plans go down as well. Time will tell if things get better or not, or if I find someone else and move on. No idea.. all I know is right now I do want to improve myself, but at the same time I still want her to be part of my life and me for hers. I just don't know if she wants that anymore...

 

Something just makes me feel like she's happy probably being single right now. Though with the weekend coming up maybe she might miss me more. When I saw her on msn it was on the weekend. So I guess well see what happens..

 

Not sure how up they are looking. I'm just trying to be realistic and not let myself defeat myself again. I got into this pickle because I got extreme cold feet and was insecure and basically sabotaged myself. I generally don't fall for many people and I'm generally detached and even though I was with this girl for a short time, I was having visions of the future which I had never had before and I panicked. She was feeling it too and is similar in the fact that she normally stays detached, so she was getting into it and was extremely hurt when I seemingly rejected her. Sucks but I can't change the past, I can only move on. Hopefully I get another shot, but I have to realize that I need to move on like I won't.

 

As far as my continued advice to you, don't think about what she could possibly be thinking, because you'll drive yourself crazy. You have no idea what she's thinking and won't know. Don't concern yourself with it. You aren't going to get the answer you want or win that battle.

[LostOne1]

Not sure how up they are looking. I'm just trying to be realistic and not let myself defeat myself again. I got into this pickle because I got extreme cold feet and was insecure and basically sabotaged myself. I generally don't fall for many people and I'm generally detached and even though I was with this girl for a short time, I was having visions of the future which I had never had before and I panicked. She was feeling it too and is similar in the fact that she normally stays detached, so she was getting into it and was extremely hurt when I seemingly rejected her. Sucks but I can't change the past, I can only move on. Hopefully I get another shot, but I have to realize that I need to move on like I won't.

 

As far as my continued advice to you, don't think about what she could possibly be thinking, because you'll drive yourself crazy. You have no idea what she's thinking and won't know. Don't concern yourself with it. You aren't going to get the answer you want or win that battle.

Thanks for the tips man! Appreciate it a lot.

 

As for changing the past.. man I'd change a lot if I could or even if I got another chance. But as my ex told me at the end. "I gave you tons of chances and now when it doesn't matter you show it and not when it did matter".

 

And truth me told that's just me. I learned at a different time than she wanted me to, and this pain is what I needed to realize what it takes to really keep a relationship going and the hard work that comes with it. Can't change the past my friends... but can change the future!

[TopCat22]

Facebook is terrible in a breakup. I really wouldn't read too much into it.

 

I deleted my ex from FB the day after we broke up (it wasn't an angry BU) and then a week later got remorse and re-requested her again. She asked me about it and I said I couldn't handle seeing her pic in the chat column all the time. She said she understood but didn't accept the new request. A week later we chatted on the phone, friendly convo and agreed that we were over and needed to move on. That evening one of her best friends deleted me off FB. I was confused as I'd thought we'd ended things amicably and although we said we wouldn't talk for a while, I couldn't see why this friend had decided to delete me. I sent the friend a message asking her why she deleted me. No reply.

 

The fact is it doesn't matter why she deleted me. I've no idea what my ex told her about the end of the RS. Maybe she told her some BS to make her friend feel pity for her and hate me. Maybe the friend just decided it was solidarity to get rid of me. Maybe she thought we'd never see each other again so why bother keep me?

 

All in all, you can drive yourself crazy thinking about what it all means. In the end it doesn't matter. Why worry?

[LostOne1]

Facebook is terrible in a breakup. I really wouldn't read too much into it.

 

I deleted my ex from FB the day after we broke up (it wasn't an angry BU) and then a week later got remorse and re-requested her again. She asked me about it and I said I couldn't handle seeing her pic in the chat column all the time. She said she understood but didn't accept the new request. A week later we chatted on the phone, friendly convo and agreed that we were over and needed to move on. That evening one of her best friends deleted me off FB. I was confused as I'd thought we'd ended things amicably and although we said we wouldn't talk for a while, I couldn't see why this friend had decided to delete me. I sent the friend a message asking her why she deleted me. No reply.

 

The fact is it doesn't matter why she deleted me. I've no idea what my ex told her about the end of the RS. Maybe she told her some BS to make her friend feel pity for her and hate me. Maybe the friend just decided it was solidarity to get rid of me. Maybe she thought we'd never see each other again so why bother keep me?

 

All in all, you can drive yourself crazy thinking about what it all means. In the end it doesn't matter. Why worry?

exactly your 100% correct, and I have let it go now. Fact is there are many reasons why her sister might have deleted me. But really.. why does it matter now? It's been 1 month NC so it's normaly to think that we are done.

 

I really doubt my ex wants me back, if she did then I'd have been contacted by her at this point. So really... I'm more over her now, just knowing she made the choice to end it. I just hate a few of the gifts I have put away now that have her picture in it or her bday cards and what not. Feels like what's the point in keeping something, that really is a worthless memory now.

[TopCat22]

No memory is worthless. Despite the way it's ended you still had some great times together. Don't throw those away. I know how you're feeling though. You feel like blotting out the entire RS as it's painful to think you don't have it anymore. However in time you will feel different and it will be nice to look back and see the great times you had. I've boxed everything I have that reminds me of her. I won't look at it for a long time, but I like that I still have those things as we did have some amazing times and I'm not sorry for giving her my heart... I'm just sorry she couldn't take all of it.

[LostOne1]

No memory is worthless. Despite the way it's ended you still had some great times together. Don't throw those away. I know how you're feeling though. You feel like blotting out the entire RS as it's painful to think you don't have it anymore. However in time you will feel different and it will be nice to look back and see the great times you had. I've boxed everything I have that reminds me of her. I won't look at it for a long time, but I like that I still have those things as we did have some amazing times and I'm not sorry for giving her my heart... I'm just sorry she couldn't take all of it.

That's true, but I kinda feel like not wanting to remember the good moments. I mean yeah it makes me feel good AND bad at the same time. But, I don't see the point my memories bring more pain. I see the things I could've done to make those memories even better, almost looking at my failure. And, it's difficult to see your own flaws.

 

Worst of all when you see your flaws, but don't have a chance to change it with that person. You only can change it for the next person. I don't know if me and my ex were right for each other or not.. I never really looked into it, I always just followed what my heart said even if it lead me to this moment. I kinda wished I had used my brain for once and really thought about where our relationship was going and communicating better with her.

[LostOne1]

Well... talk about mind games.

 

I wrote an email to my ex, but saved it and never sent it. Thought I'd send it if I felt like it, but part of me has halted me because of NC.

 

It's only been a month.. not sure if that's enough time for her to get the anger out.

 

I think the MSN messenger thing really played with my mind? Why did she come on? And was she looking to see if I would message her? Why?

 

It makes me wonder if we are both playing this stalemate game where both of us is expecting the other to say something first.

 

I made a check list for emailing:

 

- If she doesn't reply will I be okay with it?

- If she replies with hurtful, anger and other cold things, will I be okay with it?

- If she replies with wanting to meet up, will I be okay with it?

- If I send this email, it will show I still care. will I be okay with it?

 

So far I would say im okay with all the above. The worst that can happen is she doesn't reply and things stay the same.

 

THe best that can happen is we talk in person.

 

As for my healing process will it effect me... I'd say no or slightly. I honestly feel if she said something really cold like "I don't want you, I found someone else, leave me alone forever".

 

I'd just respect her decision and say if that's how she feels than sure, I will leave her alone.

 

THe angered and hurtful side of me is gone. The side that would cry, whine and beg is gone...

 

In some ways it's like I don't care of the outcome, but I rather try and see where it goes. I don't even know if I have that love left for her in me anymore. I was imagining myself sitting at a table with her. I don't feel anything, not sad, not mad, not happy.

 

It almost feels is if we met, that our relationship would either have to start from scratch again or it would fall or something...

 

Though the thing is when ever we talk even during the breakup we talked the first 2 weeks, before NC. We laughed a lot and the conversations STARTED well. it was when I started to talk about our relationship is when it got bad. I think that's why after she got back home in our city after 2 months, she knew if she saw me, that she wouldn't be able to let go. I'd find a way to win her back and she couldn't let that happen. OR she was really seeing someone else. 1 or the other. But at this point if she is seeing someone else... it doesn't hurt as much as it used too.

 

I wished I had come to this site before, because I could've handled things better. I still had her good side earlier, and I didn't implement NC right away then when it matter to her. I remmeber she asked if I moved on and I said yes and I could tell she was hurt hearing it. But I kept begging the next day and for that week... really did not know that it was not helping...

 

Anyways not sure about this email yet... everyone I know has said not to do it. But one person said.. why listen to everyone, it's your life and was ur relationship so you make the decision. But it's almost like I can't break NC, but don't want to push it too far. Her last ex was a guy she never talked to saying he can't expect to vanish and come back so late and expect her to get back with him and not now because she was with me.

Edited September 24, 2012 by LostOne1