Live Exercise- Putting the 3 rules into Practice. Controlling your emotional reaction

[oracle]

Hey everyone, Oracle here.

 

You may have read my pinned thread at the top of the section "Realistic tips for surviving the end of your relationship" and the 3 rules that I talk about.

 

I thought it would be interesting and hopefully amusing to do a live exercise on applying the three rules when the right situation arises.

 

Today I have a great chance for that.

 

First a little background:

 

-same sex relationship (monogamous)

-together 14 years since both aged 19 till break up

-still living together post breakup while we liquidated business, assets and finish the renovation of our primary home that we were in the middle of. We have a massive home, so living together isn't hard.

-ex broke up with me, though hasn't been very active out there since. he Does lots of online social stuff.

- ex and I interact lots, we work on the house together, dine together etc. Its a situation I choose to stay in. I could have moved out and into one of my apartments, but I don't wanna give my ex the luxury of living it up in my estate with some other guy. Neither of us are willing to go anywhere until its sold, we are both stubborn f*cks (to our own detriment) Its my choice and I don't complain about it.

 

Ok so here is the scenario today:

 

Ex has been talking and texting lots with some guy from back east. I got notice last week that he would be coming out to meet him most likely. I got notice 2 days ago that he was gonna be out all day today, and confirmed his friend was in town. I poked some jokes about him getting laid etc. etc. the usual uncomfortable type of stuff.

 

Before I go on, I wanna point out that this is the first time hes been out in a year, and he isn't very sexually active or experienced. So its not something I would be used to.

 

So if this was the old me...before I came to accept certain truths id probably be coming unglued right now, but i am not. Im quite fine, my anxiety level is running at like a 3.

 

This morning was somewhat akward, I could tell he was anxious and excited, he spent hours getting ready - ******* used my istubble face trimmer to trim his pubes. I WAS NOT PLEASED when I found that out. So it was a twilight zoning scenario -ong and drawn out that would send most people over the moon.

 

So how do i feel?

 

Of course im a little sad, I've always been a posessive type, especially with him.. he was never really with anyone.. so this is an interesting learning process for me. I'll always love the prick, the idea of him getting excited over someoen other than me will always drive through the heart. But overall I am at peace and quite calm. Part of me wants him to have a ****ty time, and the other part wants him to have a good time as well. Its a weird dichotomy.

 

So given a very difficult scenario, why am I not a mess.

 

Well because I know these things to be true:

 

Rule 1 - Nothing is as it seems

 

I know my ex, and if there is one thing I can be sure of is that he likes to torture me and make me suffer. He has told me plain out. He will dole out little drips and drabs of info to drip into my mind like poison to get me worked up. I know that the picture he paints, the picture I PAINT in my head isn't very realistic. ANd trust me, I love to watch the movie in my mind, I love to imagine every horrible detail. But I KNOW that i am my own worst enemy that way so I choose not to watch, I change the channel.

 

And there is the flip side. **Note I don't wanna sound bitter and nasty, but I am a firm believer that you DO NOT have to take the moral highroad, especially when dumped, and wish good things for your ex. Your recovery is solely based on you and what works for you**

 

So the flipside is I know this is even more to be true:

 

When dating from online, we tend to be our own worst enemy as well and build up grand castles and scenarios that are based purely on 1 dimension perceptions from text and pictures. This is a nasty trap that we all tend to fall into and it will play out for my ex in 1 way shape or form.

 

 

2 - Rule two, posession and desire are mutually exclusive.

 

Was I worked up on any level about my ex 2 weeks ago, any want, regret, longing etc. NO, absolutely not. Do I have any of those feelings today? ya slightly, but for one reason and one reason only.. Because i know someone else this very minute is interested in him.

 

Its a knee jerk reaction, and one I now ignore all emotions attached to it. Its like when you are at a store, if you have a bunch of people seemingly interested in some useless piece of junk, it will tend to draw others in and want the same thing. The PERCIEVED VALUE is greater by seeing someone else covet that item. Its usually over inflated and artificial and if you fall victim to leads to buyers remorse.

 

 

On the flip side, I know the SAME SCENARIO will play out in some shape or form for my ex and his date.

 

Rule 3 - Expectations lead to disappointment

 

Ah yes, all roads lead there. I know for my ex, those levels are running HIGH, VEEERRRY HIGH. Im sure rule 1 and 2 have brought him up to some lofty places. Is it possible his expectations are met or exceeded, yes, but not to likely. Just like I need to make sure I dont build the fantasy and expecation that this experience will tank and it will be score 1-0 for Me. Yes yes it sounds nasty, but thats ok. You are allowed to now and then

 

So I take a neutral stance, or atleast I try my best to. Its not easy to fall down when U are on a flat surface.

 

So there we have it.

 

KNowing these three things puts the scenario into REALISTIC perspective for me. The 3 rules sum up nearly all aspects of life - big or small. Understanding how your perceptions and expectations set you up for an emotional ride can help set you free. Once you realize you are in control of them, you can learn to manage your emotional response.

 

So tonight Im going to go out with a friend for dinner. Probably over my second drink my mind will drift over to my ex and I will imagine him naked in bed exploring someone new and probably enjoying the newness of it. My heart will pang for a bit, my smile may dip and I will pause for a brief moment. But I will smile and carry on. For that is life, we are owed nothing, and along for the ride. Things will be whatever they will be.

 

And tonight or tomorrow when I see my ex at home again I will remember rule 1 and not fall victim to the hints or perceptions I pick up on.

 

Moving on is hard, what can I say. But that is life.

 

Breathe,

 

It does get better..

 

Edited October 4, 2012 by oracle

[hinatticus]

I agree!!!!!