My Story

[big bear]

I know what to do,, But fir some strange reason I need to vent out today.

 

Dec 2008: Join college in a different state. Have a GF back home.

Jan 2009: Get subjected to intense hazing and bullying. Go into deep depression.

March 2009: Start liking a new girl.

May 2009: Officially, in two relationships. Cheating on both However, the girl back home was very clear. Wanted to be more of a FWB and keep things going till 2010 max. She wanted to go abroad after that.

 

Things go on.

 

April 2010: Broken up with the home girl. In a single relationship happy.

AUg 2010: Find the new girl cheating. Forgive her no questions asked. SInce, I cheated without her knowing.

Aug to Oct 2010: The new girl brakes up with me 3 times and we get back together.

 

Dec 2010: feel I still love the old girlfriend back home. She blows me off. (I think it was the stress and depression of 3 break ups,, or could be I am really a selfish person)

 

Jan to Sep 2011: Everything goes hunky-dory we talk marriage. But in my mind I am still in love with the old girl and unhappy. I change states and becomes LDR.

Oct 2011: A big argument. I ask her if she wants to be with me. She says no.

Nov 2011: Find again a mail stating emotional infidelity.

Nov- Jan 2011: We talk regularly on phone. Do not meet. SHe tells an older co-worker asked her out 10 days after the break up. She said no.

Jan 2012: Go to her state and we make out. Tell her everything about past. Can't keep the lies. I realise I love her.

Feb 2012: Break Up. Try to go to her and surprise her. She meets me and tells me to go away.

March 2012: Still Talking. Again go to surprise. Does not meet, keeps on crying.

April 2012: Try to start NC. She calls saying I miss you.

Fight with boss. Work stress becomes too much. Again a spiraling depression.

Mid April: Go there and persistently ask her to meet. She meets for an hour and good bye. ANd says i like that older guy (Who is ugly as hell and personally no connection between them). Tells me he has proposed to her before.

May 2012: Asks me to leave her alone.

June 2012: Collect some important papers. She calls 6 times before I respond on how did a new job interview go.

July 2012: After 1 month NC get to know she had an accident. Ask how are you a couple of times, she says I am OK stop calling me. Delete her from FB.

 

Aug 2012: In a drunken rage call her and blast her for cheating. Both end up crying and I say good bye.

 

Sep 2012: Wish her birthday. 2 days later get drunk and call her more than 100 times. Feel so horrible. Apologize on message and decide never to disturb her.

5 hours a friend request. Guilt and a thinking of I dunno what makes me accept it.

 

Oct 2012: NC

 

Nov 2012: I get hit by a motorist. Heavy bruises. The idiot in me calls her dazed. She calls messages which I try to ignore because I felt they were more out of pity than concern. Call her once. Aske her what she did on a festive day (in our culture). SHe says nothing. Just sat at home.

 

Nov End: Send a mail asking to meet and see a chance to reconcile things. Does not respond. 2 days later on my birthday calls a dozen times I don't pick up. I call her a day later, telling I know she is going out with an older co-worker with whom she was cheating on me emotionally. Does not agree does not deny. Just keeps on sobbing. When I press on it she says pls. do not press me on this. I say i do not want anything anymore. She refuses to admit that she goes to office with that older guy. Other than that says nothing. When I press on why she is crying, she says it's cause she was not able to wish me. SHe used to every year in the past.

 

Now: 37 days of NC.

 

Problems: I know NC is the way to go. I feel guilty, which I should not since, both the women are now happy. I have suffered enough for the emotional roller-coaster I put them on. Karma has kicked my ass.

 

At times I feel the urge to contact her and ask the truth. Then I realize why should it matter. If she does not want to be with me, why should it matter with whom she is.

 

At times I want my stuff back. The expensive jewellery and other stuff. but then I think if I managed life without that stuff up till now I can manage more too.

 

I have suffered enough. Within the next 10 days, I might move to a new city. Could be the small town in which she works. That would really suck, I would have to be on guard to avoid her all the time.

 

Could be somewhere new. Or same old stress and an a*shole boss.

 

I dunno what will happen. What I do know is that I am gonna try and keep my head up. Leave her alone. Improve myself. At this point I don't know what love is. This pain is familiar but surprising.

 

Going to give myself time till 1 April. If things do not improve I am gonna seek professional help.

 

Something inside me makes me believe she is still single and will call me back once. But then I think this, this very thought has made life hell.

 

I do not know when will I be able to move on. Or will she come back. i do recognise there is a problem and I am gonna give my life to correct it.

 

"GET BUSY LIVING OR GET BUSY DYING"

"THIS TOO SHALL PASS"

 

I hope some people will learn something from this. Or at least get to know that not everyone goes unpunished.