absolutely devastated today

[Own Worst Enemy]

i am too old to spend my lunchtime sobbing in the disabled toilet at work! i was fine until something went wrong with work and then i just dissolved because this is day 5 of NC and he's never let it go beyond 4 days before.

 

i think i'm broken.

[Sari]

I know exactly how you feel, I'm 30 and haven't been able to stop crying everywhere I go, at my desk, in the toilets, outside having my nth cigarette of the day, on the train home... I feel like everyone is judging, especially at work as all the girls I sit with are married with kids. I hate being this weird crying woman like a schoolgirl with a broken heart! I think everyone thinks "just get over it"

 

Can you tell me the details of your break-up? He's done this before yes, hence the four day thing?

 

Hugs to you x

[Sari]

Ok, I just read your back story:

 

I think this guy sounds like an immature, emotional wreck. And you just cannot have a relationship with someone like that. I know because that's exactly what I'm mourning too.

 

On the worse side, he might actually be quite manipulative too with the whole "you're my best friend" thing, and clearly isn't that bothered about hurting you.

 

Therefore he is a giant ass-hat and is not worthy of your tears and time.

 

I know that won't make you feel any better though, because you love him and are grieving the loss. Again, same for me. But get rid of the rose-tinted glasses about being in your own special bubble etc, because if he doesn't appreciate that, then he is not worth your time. He doesn't sound like a particularly nice person either.

 

I find this site: Getting Past Your Breakup ? How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You

 

really good for helping you to remember WHY you don't want to be with this person, because it doesn't matter how good you were together and all the rest of it, they walked out, and therefore they don't deserve you. You don't want a quitter or someone who thinks it's ok to play games with your heart. Imagine if you had any real problems to deal with together; babies, illness, job loss etc. Could you really rely on him to be around when the going gets tough, if he can't even stay put in the good times?

 

Again, this is as much for me as it is for you

[Own Worst Enemy]

this is one of the best posts i have seen on here.

 

i am also 30+, so way way too old to be like this. even my younger brother has a baby and a new house, and i am.... here.

 

in every other area of life i'm very successful, but this guy has got me thinking that if i'd just lost weight earlier, it would all be different. on the plus side, i haven't been able to eat since he told me, so i'm already 8lbs down!

 

at least we have each other, eh? what did your clown do??

[Sari]

Why thank you I am actually doing ok today, thanks to an incredibly cathartic therapy session yesterday where I let it all out. I've been blaming myself a lot for the break-up, which seems ridiculous today.

 

I refuse to call this clown 'mine' anymore, but in a nutshell, got together in June 2012, everything was just amazing, never been in a relationship where I've felt so understood, identical sense of humour, could talk about everything and anything, great sex It got intense pretty quickly, with him spending all weekend every weekend at mine from our first date onwards. Everything was just so right. He had some problems getting over his ex (should have been a red flag when he called her a b*tch), but he said he was just messed up by how it ended, not about her.

 

At 3 months, after an amazing weekend abroad together where we told each other how we felt and he said he wanted us to be "serious - I see this as it" (HA), he dumped me completely out of the blue, in bed, at 2AM, citing that he was too messed up from his previous relationship, and although he loved me, he never should have started anything. And then he said the relationship had all been a lie. I was beyond distraught and he left, then rang to say he hadn't meant any of it, I told him to f*ck off (didn't realise I was playing straight in to his drama queen hands - I'd never seen this side of him before), he begged and begged the next day, swore he'd never do anything like that again, told me it was because he was scared of how deeply he'd fallen for me, would never hurt me, never leave me - so I took him back.

 

3 months later he does exactly the same thing again. I'd asked for some reassurance because he had been a little reluctant to tell me he loved me unless drunk , it all came out again, and he left (SO over-dramatic, kissing me on the forehead, "My beautiful Sari", Jaysus). Again, I was distraught. He sent me some bullsh*t apology a few days later, completely beating himself up and idolising me, which I did not reply to.

 

A few days after that, he texted me that I was beautiful and he was an idiot, loves me, misses me so much etc. So I foolishly replied the next day saying we could work things out, we start emailing about meeting up, as soon as I mention that he's hurt me a lot, he starts prevaricating, I've hurt you too much, I should just stay away, I'll only end up doing it again, woe is me. So I rang him and he was saying he loves me and life is rubbish without me etc. I also got a semi-reason from him, that I'd talked about men leaving women high and dry in their late 30s, and he said he was worried he would do that to me, so thought it was best to leave now. WTF?? So I told him to get in touch when he wanted to try again PROPERLY, and until then, goodbye.

 

I had a think about what I had said, and realised that I had put pressure on him about not leaving, so I emailed him to say sorry for that, nothing more. He emailed back saying that I was amazing and our relationship was fantastic, he knows he freaked out, and he was just trying to get his head in order. I didn't reply.

 

Christmas Eve (a couple of days later), he rang and said that he properly wanted to give things another try, and make it right if I'd let him. Mistake #876, I said "Of course". Then over the next couple of days we texted and spoke but I could feel him pulling away again every time I showed any signs of being hurt or upset about what had happened. He asked to meet up, which I agreed to, we spent 2 hours having a lovely time, with me pausing here and there to let him bring up the relationship. Never happened. He said he would teach me some computer stuff in the future, even blew me a kiss across the table whilst reminiscing about a great date we'd had (sicko). I said I had to leave as I had other plans, he seemed sad. Then he hugged me and said:

 

Clown: I'll see you soon

Me: Will you?

Clown: Won't I?

Me: What is this?

Clown: I don't know, I don't know *panic mode*, it's lovely to see you, it's always lovely to see you, I can't...

Me: *A look*

Clown: Don't look at me like that! *Walks off* I'll see you, hon.

 

Didn't hear anything back for 5 days, sent him an email saying that I didn't want to think I'd left anything unsaid, I forgive him, am sorry for my part, love him, miss him and would like to try again. I asked him not to reply if he didn't feel the same way, but that he was welcome to take some time to think about it. I wished him all the best for 2013 if I didn't hear from him again.

 

And I haven't! Who knows what he is doing? I've taken my rose-tinteds off, and am trying hard to see him for what he is. I do love him, and he is a wonderful boy in so many ways, but still he's just a boy. He doesn't know what he wants from one minute to the next, he knows we are a brilliant couple yet wants to run away all the time, he's selfish and spoilt and has dragged me in to his emotional quagmire only to run away again. I was also under the impression that his last relationship had been a serious long-term one, but it turned out to be some ridiculous sham where she was 10 years older than him and constantly having a go at him because he wanted to be off his face on drink and drugs with his friends all the time. She constantly needed reassurance (which I was NOT allowed to ask for, I was told), now I know why. It seems they had a real break up/make up thing going on too. Poor woman, I ought to buy her a drink. He still uses a fair amount of drugs, and drinks a lot. He refuses to grow up, and gets annoyed with his friends who have settled down and have families. He acts like a child, throws tantrums, puts on silly voices, was cute at first but now seems more sinister.

 

He's 32 by the way. Moved back in with his parents nearly 2 years ago and making no moves to leave, can't drive, lousy job because he walked out of his last one in a rage due to his ex.

 

I know he sounds awful and people probably think WTH do you want to be with him, but I can't help loving him. I can help myself move on though. I can't be with this emotional foetus. He even admitted as much himself.

 

Phew that's an essay and a half! Good to get it out though!

[Sari]

this is one of the best posts i have seen on here.

 

i am also 30+, so way way too old to be like this. even my younger brother has a baby and a new house, and i am.... here.

 

in every other area of life i'm very successful, but this guy has got me thinking that if i'd just lost weight earlier, it would all be different. on the plus side, i haven't been able to eat since he told me, so i'm already 8lbs down!

 

at least we have each other, eh? what did your clown do??

 

Eff the weight stuff man. What a bloody cheek! He liked you well enough to begin with, what did you do, put on 100lbs in 3 months? What a ****.

 

It's just a sad little excuse his brain has come up with because he's not mature enough to handle a proper relationship with you. This is how commitment phobes act, they fixate on one little problem or make one up, then use it as an excuse to RUN. Trust me, I spent 6 years with one, and now 6 months with another. My previous ex left me 3 times out of the blue, each for more and more ridiculous reasons (well the last one we had bedroom probs but he didn't want to try/talk). My latest ex takes the bloody biscuit though.

[Own Worst Enemy]

i am going to reply properly later on, when i am not at work. suffice it to say, my jaw is on my DESK!

 

i completely agree with you as to there is no reason why. even if we know that they would make **** partners and that any babies we had would end up wiping their ar.ses instead of the other way round... it doesn't matter how many times you say it, you don't mean it. for some stupid reason.

 

urgh.

[SpicyMayo]

Ok, I just read your back story:

 

I think this guy sounds like an immature, emotional wreck. And you just cannot have a relationship with someone like that. I know because that's exactly what I'm mourning too.

 

On the worse side, he might actually be quite manipulative too with the whole "you're my best friend" thing, and clearly isn't that bothered about hurting you.

 

Therefore he is a giant ass-hat and is not worthy of your tears and time.

 

I know that won't make you feel any better though, because you love him and are grieving the loss. Again, same for me. But get rid of the rose-tinted glasses about being in your own special bubble etc, because if he doesn't appreciate that, then he is not worth your time. He doesn't sound like a particularly nice person either.

 

I find this site: Getting Past Your Breakup ? How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You

 

really good for helping you to remember WHY you don't want to be with this person, because it doesn't matter how good you were together and all the rest of it, they walked out, and therefore they don't deserve you. You don't want a quitter or someone who thinks it's ok to play games with your heart. Imagine if you had any real problems to deal with together; babies, illness, job loss etc. Could you really rely on him to be around when the going gets tough, if he can't even stay put in the good times?

 

Again, this is as much for me as it is for you

 

 

hi sari...i clicked on your link and it re-directed me to the website of course. however, there are several links and sub-links and sections. are there any in particular that u recommend? and btw your story is insane. my relationship of 4 months recently ended, and it has not been easy... so i can't even imagine what you or our worst enemy is going through.

[SpicyMayo]

i am going to reply properly later on, when i am not at work. suffice it to say, my jaw is on my DESK!

 

i completely agree with you as to there is no reason why. even if we know that they would make **** partners and that any babies we had would end up wiping their ar.ses instead of the other way round... it doesn't matter how many times you say it, you don't mean it. for some stupid reason.

 

urgh.

 

that sucks.... sending over a hug

[Own Worst Enemy]

What a total and utter mind f.uck that guy is. He's clearly very selfish and confused. He is also the king nut on the bonkers tree. All that constant coming and going and thinking he can just saunter off like that. As he's back home with his mummy, it sounds like she can start again with teaching him how to grow up!

 

Different things but there are also some similarities in the "push me pull you" way that these clowns have behaved. I think the drama is a bit addictive and we feed on it in some way. Plus bad behaviour like that makes the good behaviour seem all the sweeter, so we lap it up. My best friend always tells me I'm a smack wh.ore where he was concerned. He would dribble out one hit and I'd go running to Hoover him up!

 

We need to find a new circus that doesn't have a clown show, I'm thinking...

[Sari]

Sorry for going AWOL for the past few days, have been trying to reign it in a bit as I don't want this taking over my life!

 

It's really interesting, but before you and SpicyMayo expressed such astonishment at him acting so badly, I didn't really realise he had. I was carrying so much guilt for pressuring him about making a commitment (and actually now I think about it - I didn't really do that to any great extent!), and I love him, and so always think the best of him. But you're both right, he has behaved shockingly badly. He is an immature child and has no real concept of love or deep feelings. He skims along life, and I do think he's one hell of an actor. Underneath this kind of charming, goofy facade he is a ball of confusion and anger, only those very close to him ever see it really. Also I think he really enjoys the angst and drama of these intense love affairs, again on the surface, but try to get him talk properly about anything serious and he gets very uncomfortable and runs away. Twat!

 

How are you doing now? Been carrying on NC?

 

Hugs to you x

[Sari]

hi sari...i clicked on your link and it re-directed me to the website of course. however, there are several links and sub-links and sections. are there any in particular that u recommend? and btw your story is insane. my relationship of 4 months recently ended, and it has not been easy... so i can't even imagine what you or our worst enemy is going through.

 

Hi SpicyMayo, apologies for the delay in response.

 

I went in to one of the posts:

 

1/8 Check-in Post ? Getting Past Your Breakup

 

And on the left-hand side are links to older posts by the author of the book. Depending on what your situation is, you may find some that help you gain clarity on your thoughts and emotions. I found the articles on 'Splitting' and 'Rejecting the Rejector' pretty helpful.

 

Hugs to you, and thanks for reading my story. I have finally realised that this toxic man is far too unstable and selfish to deserve my love. I still love the memory of who I thought he was, but he is so far below that in reality that I will hopefully be able to get over it more quickly than I had originally anticipated!

 

Hugs to you x

[Own Worst Enemy]

i am ok - lots going on at work and with family to take my mind off it - but sunday night marked an entire first week of NC, which blew me to bits, as i am very sad that he means it and has let it go.

 

much as i am also getting angry about some of the cr.ap that he said and his shallow narcissistic ways at the same time.

 

man i wish i'd never met this one!

 

x

[Sari]

Try thinking of NC as a healing tool, rather than "oh he hasn't contacted me in X amount of days". Just think, you are one whole week on! One whole week in to recovering and moving on with your life! If you had contacted him in that time, or he had contacted you, you would be back to square one and starting all this all over again. DOOM. I wish so much I hadn't let my wretched ex string me along for that extra month, I could be nearly 6 weeks down the line now, and feeling loads better.

 

Why would you want him to contact you anyway? He sounds like a manipulative, impulsive, immature d*ck. I know you love him but thems the facts. You should be getting angry - how dare he treat you this way? And want to be friends?!! I don't know about you but none of my friends have ever hurt me this way, or ever would. He hasn't ended things nicely or appropriately, there was no reason to embroil you in his life of whimsy and indecision, yet he did it anyway then just left you high and dry. Eff him man x

[Own Worst Enemy]

some of the time i don't think about him at all, which is good progress for a week in, and some of the time i wish someone's rabid dog would escape and bite him 3 new as.sholes. but it's the sadness that is hardest.

 

for someone who hasn't met him, you've nailed him pretty good though. i wish i could buy you a few vodkas to say thanks for making me laugh! here, have a virtual cocktail on me...

[Sari]

Yum, thanks

 

I think I've nailed him so well because he sounds a lot like my ex: hideous man-babies masquerading as 30-something, mature adults! Charlatans! Fraudsters!

 

Can you tell I'm pretty livid today, could do with that rabid dog right about now...

 

I hear you on the sadness, was doing so well yesterday and then got to bed and burst in to tears. I still can't really believe that he's run away for good this time, but I need to remember it's for the best as he is not a good person and NOT the man I thought he was. Far from it.

[Own Worst Enemy]

i can't believe after everything he is letting it go so that he can get his stubby little d.ick wet somewhere else. knowing it's for the best 10 times over and that i should find someone who loves me for me and knows what he's got when he's got me - and who won't need his emotional ar$e wiping every 2 minutes - helps sometimes. but not all the time.

 

screw the pair of them. their loss.