shiver23 Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Hello people of the internet. I really just am here to vent, but your advice would be appreciated as well. Breaking up is hard to do, or that's what they tell us. I've been in a fair amount of relationships for my 21 years, or at least I feel like it. My most recent relationship was by far the best one I've ever been in. I went through a period where I didn't care how I was treated as long as I was in a relationship, but my ex was different. He treated me right, we had some definite chemistry and a lot of respect for each other. My parents and friends really liked him and thought we were a good match. So why did we break up? Well, it wasn't cheating, or different views. It was the simple fact that he doesn't want to put his career below his relationship. He felt that I needed him around more than he could commit to. Starting in May (we broke up the end of March) he's working 70 hour weeks, and then going into engineering school in the fall for a degree. He's also really interested in the military and UN Peacekeeping. All noble, good goals; but he left me because of them. I feel really lost. We were together for almost a year, and he was always caring and loving. We both knew that we might have to limit our time together when we both leave for university (I'm taking a two year degree of my own). He's 26, and I'm 21. I thought we'd work through it. However, I did emphasize that I need to be a priority in my mate's life, and he thought he wouldn't be able to offer that. We both don't have a large interest in children (I'm really not interested in having kids at all and have always stressed that.) Maybe I made a mistake saying I could picture myself with his kid, but that's just because I see a possibility and could see it happening if our lives changed dramatically. He's very practical, and I loved that about him. Now he's pushing me away, and says I'll have no problem finding someone else to love me. I feel so hurt and confused, and all I want is him. But I don't want to be a part of someone's life if they don't feel passionately about me. He said we could be "friends" but you all know how that works (it doesn't). I've kept up the No Contact rule for a month, but last night I caved and emailed him everything I've been feeling. I honestly would follow that man anywhere, and I love travel. I didn't beg, but I definitely emphasized that I'm not willing to let him go without letting him know how much I love him and that I'm willing to try. I know I can't change how he feels, but pushing me away just because he's worried I'll resent his focus on his career isn't right to me. Maybe I'm just processing with my woman brain, but what do you guys think? I know that realistically I could end up with someone else, but I don't want to let him go without letting him know how much I love him. I don't want to just give up because things are tough. Please leave your thoughts. -shiver23 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shiver23 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 Thoughts? (and yeah, I'm bumping my own thread). Link to post Share on other sites
grace777 Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 You sound really stable, and like you have a good and realistic perspective. Did you already send the message to him? If so, then you're done. If you haven't, I'd be careful to think about what you're willing to sacrifice. He's definitely career oriented right now, and has many lofty goals. You do too, and I suspect that he was attracted to that trait in you. If you are willing to blow off school to follow him around, my guess is that he'd be super turned off by that. I for sure say let him know how much you love him. Maybe even try to see if there's a way you can make it work until one of you is finished with their next step. Perhaps a complete parting of ways isn't necessary in your situation. You could brain blast together to find alternative solutions? Link to post Share on other sites
Author shiver23 Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 The email is already sent, so I just have to wait and see... I just needed to vent. My career is the second most important thing to me outside of my relationships, and I deliberately chose one that's stable and flexible. 80% employability rate right out of university. I'm not willing to give it up just to be with him. Thank you for replying, it really helps to hear others perspectives. I also love the term "brain blast". I'm hoping for the best, but I also know that he's stubborn and I might just have to suck it up and try to find someone else. He knows I love him, that's what matters. Link to post Share on other sites
SR2 Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Im in a similar situation to you atm - my ex boy feels like he cannot give me the time and support i deserve. It sucks, especially when we know we would put up with the little time they have to be with them, yet they don't want to put us through that. But its these kind of relationships I feel have the best chance of reconciliation - at least thats what i am trying to tell myself. Have you contacted each other since the break, or has he spoken about the possibility to reconcile in the future once he has more time on his hands? EDIT: Just saw you have been NC for a month, so i assume there was no contact on his part during that time? Also would love to hear if he responds to the email you sent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shiver23 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Share Posted April 29, 2013 There's a possibility we might be together in the future, but I also realize that we did have differences. He believes we have different wants/needs despite loving each other. I haven't received a response to my email, but I don't expect one for at least another few days. Even when we were together, communication during the week (I visited on weekends) wasn't very steady. I don't know if it's good or bad, but I've started to see other men in a sexual light, even though I know I'm not even close to being emotionally available. Luckily, due to my situation ATM, one night stands are a very unlikely prospect. I've been known to rebound that way, but I don't want to be that girl anymore. All I really want is someone to love me as much as I love them...is that too much to ask? Link to post Share on other sites
aisuru Posted April 29, 2013 Share Posted April 29, 2013 Sometimes timing is everything. Sometimes it's just not quite the right fit, no matter how great everything seems or how great you both are. It's hard to realize sometimes that the person you loved and who loved you may not be part of your long term life plan. It's really hard. But, it's good that each of you recognized who you were, your individual goals, and that perhaps they didn't quite align. It's great that you discussed these things. I promise you that there is so much more you will learn as you get older and change. What seems like the ideal match for you now at this age won't necessarily be the ideal match for you later. As important compromise is and understanding that there is no "perfect" guy out there, it is more important than you can know now to recognize differences and deciding to split now instead of later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shiver23 Posted April 29, 2013 Author Share Posted April 29, 2013 Sometimes timing is everything. Sometimes it's just not quite the right fit, no matter how great everything seems or how great you both are. As important compromise is and understanding that there is no "perfect" guy out there, it is more important than you can know now to recognize differences and deciding to split now instead of later. I'm starting to realize this, and I'm sure he recognized it before I did, but it still really hurts. He was the first man I truly gave all of my heart to, and the future is scary. Finding a great guy is really tough; especially for an introvert like me. I'm pretty and smart, but I don't get out much. Link to post Share on other sites
aisuru Posted April 29, 2013 Share Posted April 29, 2013 (edited) I'm starting to realize this, and I'm sure he recognized it before I did, but it still really hurts. He was the first man I truly gave all of my heart to, and the future is scary. Finding a great guy is really tough; especially for an introvert like me. I'm pretty and smart, but I don't get out much. Believe me... I understand. One day you will find that one who wants to spend his life with you as much as you want to spend your life with him. I'm almost 37, never married and an introvert as well. Successful and definitely decent looking. It will happen. I believe it. For you and for me. In the meantime, we deal with our most recent heartbreaks and learn from them. It sucks, I know. Edited April 29, 2013 by aisuru 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AKisBaked Posted April 29, 2013 Share Posted April 29, 2013 Hello fellow Canadian. It sounds like your a very stable girl, and knows what you want and you have clear path of your future. But unfortunately, he probably wants to expand his career at this point in his life because he probably believes when will he get another opportunity to do all these things in his life and really propel himself in the world. Its that stage of his life where he wants to explore, gain experience and establish a career for his future. It really sucks that he can't find a balance between his career and his love life, I guess for him he has to choose one or the other and he chose his career. Some people aren't able to handle these certain things and willing to sacrifice one thing to make the other better. Your probably devastated, and your probably going through a real tough time. Its not fair. But you have to pick yourself up and move along with life. If' its fate that you 2 will be together then eventually time will bring you back. But if not, then im sure there will be a time where you'll be having new experiences and happiness that's awaiting you later on. Right now its just not the time. Keep your head up. You'll get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shiver23 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 (edited) Hey guys, just updating here instead of starting a new thread. So, I joined this site 3 days ago after emailing my ex. He hasn't given me a response, and I honestly don't know if I'll get one. I should feel horrible, right? Hate my life? I don't. Honestly, I feel better than I have in a long time, and I don't understand why. I want to go date, find someone wonderful, and make hot love. To give some context, it has only been a month since the breakup. We were together for almost a year, but we stopped having sex in February. It wasn't really either of our choice, somehow I contracted a skin condition (not an STD) near my nether-regions. Really not fun, but I went to the doctor, got a prescription and it's been clearing up lately. Am I totally nuts for thinking moving on is viable right now? I feel really confused/euphoric. Edited April 30, 2013 by shiver23 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shiver23 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 I'm kind of worried I just miss sex though...*confession* Link to post Share on other sites
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