These Times. Part Deux.

[shiver23]

Hey guys. Update to my story.

Part 1:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/389475-these-times

 

I know I was a little hysterical near the end of the first thread, but overall, I've realized how lucky I was to have someone as wonderful as my ex. I've included our correspondence (names removed) to help anyone going through this.

 

You said it was okay if I texted you, so I hope an email is alright as well.

 

You're probably done exams now, so I hope those went well for you. I'm sure you did great.

As for myself, I actually was offered full time hours here in town at the CO-OP, so that was an interesting development.

Home Depot was a bit disappointed in my leaving, but I still have good references from them.

 

Other than that, not much to report. Picked up the Alien anthology on Blu-ray, bought a few books.

If you have the chance, "Drive" is a really interesting well made film.

Slower paced, but I think it should've received more recognition than it did.

 

I've really struggled with our recent development, as is probably obvious.

The main thing that I want to say, that I never had a chance to articulate when we decided to end it, is that:

 

I don't think you recognize what I want for myself, and I feel kind of hurt that you think I need a family, 24/7 average traditional lifestyle. I get that you don't want to neglect your career for a relationship, but I thought.. I thought we could work things through.

I never expected you to change, and I don't need you to either. Maybe I made a mistake when I mentioned that I could see myself with your kid, but that's just because I could see a possibility. I don't feel a need for kids at all. It's something I thought you could understand.

 

You're incredibly practical, and that could be interpreted as being cold, but I've never seen you that way. I just don't understand how you can decide for the both of us that you're not up to it. I know it wasn't anything I did (or at least that's what you said) so why do things just have to be cut off?

 

Maybe writing this is incredibly foolish, and you're shaking your head at my naiveté.

 

I honestly have never, ever, written an email to an ex before. Usually I just let things go.

 

I'm sick of not taking risks in the name of my happiness though. It's why I'm still going back to university, it's why I have a cat, and it's why I'm saying these things.

 

You're too important to me for me to let you go without getting every bit of truth that I can to you.

 

If you still want to just fade from my life forever, then so be it. I can't change your mind, or your feelings.

 

You seem to think I expect you to be around all the time if things were to continue.

I don't LIKE the idea of being separated, but I CAN live with it as long as I keep myself busy.

As to my career, the reason I chose it is that it's flexible and I like the idea of being useful to people.

 

I'd follow you anywhere....I really mean that.

 

That's not giving up my dream, because my dream (before you even met me) was to gain a stable & flexible career, travel and find someone to share that with. I'm used to moving around, and I'm not scared of doing things, if there's someone there to support me. Maybe I gave you the wrong impression because I do have my struggles, but I'm perfectly capable as long as I stay on my meds and keep things positive.

 

We're not perfect together. No couple is. Love is a messy, chaotic, complex thing.

 

I'm willing to try if you are.

 

PS - Maybe this is wrong, but you're the one who told me to say things that I need to. You're always the one to get me to take risks. So here are the words, and your decision really dictates the rest of it. I don't expect a reply right away, take the time you need.

 

His response.

 

I finished my tests yesterday; I started work today. My exams went well enough, though never good enough for me. I'm glad you aren't forced to drive to work anymore.

 

I'm glad you messaged me if you felt unresolved - those feelings never go away in life, ever, so addressing them is absolutely the correct thing to do. I feel like you've forgotten why we even talked about not seeing each other. It had nothing to do with what was said, or how either of us were feeling; we stopped seeing each other because we simply cannot support a relationship.

 

I didn't intend for our talk to have such immediate effects, though I understand both/either seeing that way and/or deciding not to prolong it even if you didn't. I was simply bringing up that our free time was approaching an end, which has not changed and could not have. I actually benefitted from the time in May significantly, so I don't want you to feel like there was any wasted time. I'm working full-time (well, over full-time) now, as are you, so time is still limited. When we're done working a lot, not long after you will be leaving this part of the province; I may or may not be, time hasn't told yet, but long distance doesn't work and you also do not need distractions in school. These are the reasons that we stopped seeing each other, and nothing else.

 

As far as "after" you're done school, I have no idea where I'll even be at that point. Safe to say, my school will take significantly longer than yours, so I don't see reuniting conveniently after school as realistic. I'm going to be a different person in 5-7 years, so waiting for me is absolutely not appropriate. I want you to meet new people, learn new things, go to new places - I want you to do it without me floating around the back of your head as "something down the road".

 

I'm taking a right and you're taking a left. This doesn't make either of us wrong, it just means we need to make the best of our paths... maybe appreciate the paths we've crossed in the past and look forward to the new paths we'll cross. Don't walk down your path backwards trying to hang onto what previously was; appreciate and remember what was there while looking down your path for the great things ahead. I promise you there are great things if you watch for them and keep yourself open to them.

 

If you still feel that something was left unclear or unsaid, do not be afraid to say it. We regret what we wanted to do, but never had the courage to.

 

My final letter (includes my personal reflections on the situation)

 

Hey,

 

I'm glad I emailed you, and I wasn't sure if I was going to get a response to be honest. I was pretty emotional and I know that's reflected in my words. After I emailed you, I actually joined an online forum for those coping with break-ups/relationship issues in general. I've been on there for the past few days and I've really recognized how much everything was affecting me, and have started to genuinely move forward.

 

It had nothing to do with what was said, or how either of us were feeling; we stopped seeing each other because we simply cannot support a relationship.

 

 

You're right, and I guess I was trying to "blame" something other than merely timing for the break up. I felt really lost, and I didn't want to lose you...but our paths ARE going different directions, like you said. Honestly, if you had responded saying that you wanted to get back together or some such (which would be out of character, but still) I probably would have turned you down. It's nothing to do with you as an individual, it's merely how things are panning out.

 

That being said, I really do want you to know that you've made a positive impact on my life (like you hoped) and I will definitely miss you. My emotions wouldn't have been so haywire if you hadn't meant to me what you did. You are a great guy, and you will go far if you put your mind to it.

 

I won't wait for you, and I've already realized how good it was of you to end things where it did. I hope you can look back at me fondly, despite the fact that our happiness was short-lived.

 

Appreciate and remember what was there while looking down your path for the great things ahead.

 

 

I'm learning how to do this.

 

Thank you for everything, all your words of encouragement, the little presents, the way you were always there.

 

I'll definitely be holding all the men in my future to a higher standard because of you. It'll just be a matter of not comparing and learning to live with the different people I come across. I'm not giving up on love.

 

Sincerely.

 

This - >

 

...even the stars they burn...

 

I hope this helps you guys. Good guys are out there.

Edited May 2, 2013 by shiver23
clarity; missing hyperlink

[aisuru]

Did you hear that?

 

It was my heart breaking for you...

 

Oh how I get this. Timing sucks. Such eloquent emails from both of you. Good and bad...

 

I hope you find comfort during this time.

[shiver23]

Did you hear that?

 

It was my heart breaking for you...

 

Oh how I get this. Timing sucks. Such eloquent emails from both of you. Good and bad...

 

I hope you find comfort during this time.

 

Thank you, and I'm working through it. Honestly, part of me just wants to bury all my emotions regarding him, but I know that isn't what I need. I'm resisting the urge to go and date a bunch of guys just to make myself feel better (rebounds, one night stands). It's hard for me.

 

He's right though, I need to focus on my schooling that's coming up in September. My two year degree is very intensive. Hopefully I can find someone after that once I've got myself established.

[aisuru]

It will be okay. You both obviously respect each other and what happened between the two of you. It sounds like reality is hitting you both full on. It must hurt.

 

Take some time. And just know that one day, what you learned in this relationship will contribute to you meeting a phenomenal person who it does work out with, some day.

 

I'm seriously impressed by the emails. Resist the urge to hide from yourself and in others. Take this time to take care of you. Don't run. Embrace... You'll be okay.

 

Sometimes, timing really is everything. I truly believe that.

 

Cry, hurt, and learn. That's my motto.

[youngnlove89]

What two beautifully mature individuals. I cried reading that you know. He is really nice and you can tell how much he cares about you.

 

PS I listened to that song by Safety Suit, it's stuck on replay right now. Love it.

 

My heart goes out to you. Be strong.

[shiver23]

What two beautifully mature individuals. I cried reading that you know. He is really nice and you can tell how much he cares about you.

 

PS I listened to that song by Safety Suit, it's stuck on replay right now. Love it.

 

My heart goes out to you. Be strong.

 

Oh, don't cry! I really hope this helps you guys though. It really helped me, and I know it's likely to help others. I'm mature in some ways, I'm working on it. He's everything I needed in my life for the past year, and I don't regret having him...despite how much my heart aches. Love y'all and I really appreciate the kind words.

[youngnlove89]

Oh, don't cry! I really hope this helps you guys though. It really helped me, and I know it's likely to help others. I'm mature in some ways, I'm working on it. He's everything I needed in my life for the past year, and I don't regret having him...despite how much my heart aches. Love y'all and I really appreciate the kind words.

 

A good cry, I needed it. What a beautiful song.

 

These times are hard, but THEY WILL PASS.

 

That song made me feel like I am not alone.