Dumped after 5 years

[Vinsanity1307]

Ok This is going to sound like the most screwed up story but here goes. I am a 27 year old guy who was in a "relationship" with a 35 year old women with three kids and divorced twice (Claimed both exes cheated on her).

 

We started dating in 2008. Everything was good in the beginning, the sex was amazing (although nothing compared to the future with her sexually) and we got along. Then as time went on I learned she was still married (separated for about 1 year) and had not even filed for divorce yet. She told me she didnt have the money and whatnot. Anyways I ended meeting the kids 2 months into the relationship and they loved me twins that were 4 at the time and a 14 year old boy. As time went on I would bend over backwards for this girl from bringing the kids to school , getting them ready, or to just taking them out to chuck e cheese. As time went on she was still in contact with a guy she slept with before dating me, and they were talking sexually through facebook. Then her recent ex husband was saying sexual stuff as well to her through text messages. From there it only got worse (Although I couldnt prove anything i saw the messages on facebook of them just talking about it, as well as another guy I had no idea about but couldn't prove it

 

. This girl had alot of health issues that I would stay by her side for operations and whatnot until recovery. So after about a year I was in love with her regardless of all the issues and we got engaged. I was doing everything and anything for her. About 6 months later she dumped me after me bringing up her still talking with these guys. I begged tried buying her things but nothing worked I was heart broken. I tried talking to her about what I did and she ended up running over my foot and as she drove away saying don't bother her anymore... She threw me down stairs if I tried hugging her and I ended up hitting my head and she just leaves.... I eventually left her alone and about 10 days later of no contact she texted me. Just saying ok......

 

We end up talking in person then having sex and getting back together. As time went on she still was sketchy and*mean*towards me so I told her I didnt want to commit to her anymore after about 2 months. She was devastated. We continued to date but nothing official and I was going on dating websites which destroyed her and she would beg and plead for me to stop and be her bf. I stopped going on the sites as we continued to "date" unless we had a big fight. I would go back on the dating website to piss her off. Then suspend it once everything was settled...For the next 2.5 years she turned into a wonderful person doing anything and everything for me. Even quit smoking for me after smoking for 15 years. I had the I dont care attitude but def showed her the love here and there. We basically acted as a couple unofficially.....Also during this 2.5 years she lost her job and was having issues keeping a car,and even a cell phone. She was going to school to be an EMT after losing her job in late 2010. About 2 months ago i decided enough was enough and would consider making a real go at the relationship seriously.

 

She just recently got her **** together and is an EMT , has a car,and her own cell line that I bought for her.... I was nicer but not needy still had that i dont care attitude but ALOT nicer And giving the relationship a real go... We did beyond things you could imagine sexually(and things she was petrified to do in the beginning.)She would beg for sex from me or pleasure me whenever. It was great And no words can describe the sexual chemistry we had...... We were even getting along really well .We went to Maine together and she was all over me as I was her. She had to leave maine cause she just started a new job and could only get 2 days off. But she drove to and from maine 3 times just to see me.... So when I came back about a day later she wrote me an email saying she no longer wanted kids and ( which is something I wanted and something she promised she would give me for 5 years) she was too afraid of my response cause she thought I would leave her is what the email said. I was upset but told her having her in my life was more important.

 

This was a once and a lifetime chemistry which it really was....She didn't believe so I showed her the engagement ring I bought her to show I was ready to commit and be with her forever. About 2 days later she texts me and dumps me out of the blue . She said she is not in love with me and we hurt each other too much... I begged and pleaded but she just started being mean.I showed up at her house and she flipped out and saw she was even smoking again. She threatened to call the police if I didnt leave. After a while I left. Said Id rather die then go through pain without her she said go ahead and kill yourself then. I wrote her one last text and nothing. So a week and a half go by with no contact and I really still wanted her back. I ended up breaking no contact and I showed up at her house again and tried talking...I quickly looked at her phone and saw she was texting a guy she use to screw right before dating me who is about 40 and he sleeps around ..I am not being conceited but I am a fit 27 year old who works out have muscles w/e..I don't understand going from me to back to him especially after her being all over me in Maine and this guy was one of the guys going for her when we were engaged.....regardless....i acted cool and said I guess that's the nail in the coffin for me...

 

. I told her I loved her and left....Its been almost been 6 weeks since D day and 21 days of no contact I really want her back and have no idea what to do...I am having anxiety issues (chest apain and shaking) constantly, and cant seem to be shaking these feelings .I spend about 80% of the day thinking of her and the good times ...no matter how hard I try to stop the good thoughts storm in........what do you think I should do...And of this situation..what happened??? Please help....I feel im going nuts

[Vinsanity1307]

Anyone? Would appreciate your input Please...

[Renard99]

Steady on mate, you only gave people people 14 minutes to respond!

 

As far as the relationship is concerned, I recommend letting this one go. It's clear that, despite the love that was there at points, the relationship is ultimately toxic for the both of you.

 

She doesn't appear to be interested in commitment and you fed that by using your 'don't care' attitude. She was just leaning on you whilst she got herself together even if she didn't mean to, but then, when you tried to get committed with the ring, she freaked out and that was that.

 

The fact that the whole episode made you distrust her (checking her phone), resent her (going on dating sites just to piss her off) and 'play' her (the 'don't care' attitude) all says to me that you weren't innocent though all of this.

 

 

As for what to do now? Keep up with the NC and keep yourself busy. Try and find something to do that takes up your whole concentration, anything at all... video games, household chores, sky diving, swimming with sharks... doesn't matter what it is, just as long as you're thinking about the task. Chances are you won't think about her for a little while. Ok, so the thoughts will come back, but if, day by day, you can make the time that you don't think about her get longer and longer, eventually you'll make it through a day and you'll realise you never thought of her at all.

 

Also, every time you think of something that was awesome about your time together, force yourself to think of something you didn't like about your time together. For example, I used to like cuddling up in bed with my ex.... but she also used to snore like a freight train and it would keep me awake for hours. Eventually the good times don't start to look so good after all!

[Omei]

I don't know how you delt with clearly being so unvalued, why you let things like guys interested in her texting fly, and I dont know how you were before if you were super loyal but its like shes taught you how to play the I can hurt you too game with the website thing. It sounds like the whole relationship is a tornado and starts off with you being in love to being at her level and losing how sweet you were which I think comes from being unvalued. At 27 the fact that you were willing to care for her kids and be there for her in everyway is shocking I dont find it surprising that you formed a "I dont care additude" esp if thats what shes shown you. Do NC I think moving on will be good for you, find someone with less baggage, hopefully she hasnt taken away your kindness. Sorry she sounds like she plays a lot of games.

[Vinsanity1307]

Omei and Renard Thanks for your responses. I was not perfect and was not trying to make myself out to be I made mistakes. The I dont care attitude came from resentment and was a guard I formed from being hurt by her for the first few years. Can you blame me cause I responded that way? I was scared to let the guard down afraid shed hurt me again and low and behold as I did look what happened. During the resentment phase I loved her just was scared I hope that sheds a little light on that a bit.

[Vinsanity1307]

Anyone Please?

[Mariposa10]

I'm in a similar situation a little bit... It's ok to feel the way you feel, after the breakup with my ex-boyfriend I couldn't eat, I felt like throwing up, nothing like that had ever happened before. Try to hang out with your friends that helps a little bit. Things do get better, I know it's hard to believe that right now, but it does get better a little bit. Go out, don't beg her to take you back that will only push her away from you. Give her space. She told you she doesn't want to have kids are you ok with that?? Do you want to marry this woman even if she doesn't want kids? Think about that. It doesn't matter if she promised you that, she can change her mind at the very last minute.

[Vinsanity1307]

Thank you for your response. Yes I would be ok with that. The connection was one that could not be duplicated. And wouldn't want to lose that even though I did.. I still want her back even after 6 weeks since she left...I don't know what to do. Thanks for the response again...

[Omei]

Omei and Renard Thanks for your responses. I was not perfect and was not trying to make myself out to be I made mistakes. The I dont care attitude came from resentment and was a guard I formed from being hurt by her for the first few years. Can you blame me cause I responded that way? I was scared to let the guard down afraid shed hurt me again and low and behold as I did look what happened. During the resentment phase I loved her just was scared I hope that sheds a little light on that a bit.

 

No I dont blame you she was a lot to take on at 27 and you did it and it seems she didnt realize that, In the final month of my 5 yr relationship I too got very tired of trying but never got the same things back just they just took I also got dumped when I wasnt being as good as I was before but a person can only be stepped on for so long hurts a **** ton doesn't? When they rather just leave than put forth the effort esp since you were. I hope you're having a good day.

[Mariposa10]

Thank you for your response. Yes I would be ok with that. The connection was one that could not be duplicated. And wouldn't want to lose that even though I did.. I still want her back even after 6 weeks since she left...I don't know what to do. Thanks for the response again...

 

 

I think the connection can be duplicated again in the future with someone else, please don't focus on that otherwise you'll just keep suffering too much. I think before anything happens you need to go through the process of the breakup... You need to go through all those stages. I know how you feel, my ex and I had an amazing amazing sex life (everything you described sounded like my sexual relationship with him).

 

Focus on the present, don't think too much about the past or future. My only advice is to not beg her, don't do that. It'll only backfire.

[Mariposa10]

You need to be in control of your emotions, even if you can't control them. Fake it, I'm serious. People are not attracted to clingy, needy people. It'll get better I know what you're going through, I discovered my ex texting with another girl and I know how painful that can be. I found myself crying all the time, while I was on the bus, watching a movie, etc. Those were really sad moments, we can't let someone have so much power over our emotions. We have to take care of ourselves!!

 

Good luck, again.

[Vinsanity1307]

At work right now which doesnt really help since we met here and she use to work here...so much memories...Even when I started the relationship at 22 (which is really young for that) dont you think she would of realized wow a guy with no baggage taking on all her baggage (3 kids, divorced twice, living at home with her mother, struggling with no job, in between cars, and cell phones) and doing whatever to make her happy she would see I was worth it ???? I just dont understand... So not the best day today. How you feeling Omei?

[Omei]

At work right now which doesnt really help since we met here and she use to work here...so much memories...Even when I started the relationship at 22 (which is really young for that) dont you think she would of realized wow a guy with no baggage taking on all her baggage (3 kids, divorced twice, living at home with her mother, struggling with no job, in between cars, and cell phones) and doing whatever to make her happy she would see I was worth it ???? I just dont understand... So not the best day today. How you feeling Omei?

 

I think she was crazy lucky. Sounds like you have a big heart. My day was very busy I did a lot of chores, and everyday I take a very long afternoon nap. We all go through the memory location thing its good that shes no longer working there so you can keep your job.

[Vinsanity1307]

Thanks for your reply and your kind comments OMEI. Glad you had a busy day to keep your mind off things.....And as far as where I work still the memories are horrid while im there ..5 years worth even not including her working there cause she use to visit me all the time...just everything is a reminder...I need to leave the job

[Omei]

Thanks for your reply and your kind comments OMEI. Glad you had a busy day to keep your mind off things.....And as far as where I work still the memories are horrid while im there ..5 years worth even not including her working there cause she use to visit me all the time...just everything is a reminder...I need to leave the job

 

I dont know what you do maybe you can keep your job and just change locations?

 

Some places in my home feel tained because a certain spot will hold a special memory it slowly is going away. One spot tho I so hate, but they do fade it takes a long time but some days I dont remember.

[Vinsanity1307]

I am an assistant security director at a mall. And no other sites close with the same company so its a lose lose. When does the anxiety and burning sensation stop if I may ask?

[Omei]

I am an assistant security director at a mall. And no other sites close with the same company so its a lose lose. When does the anxiety and burning sensation stop if I may ask?

 

The anxiety stopped for me when I gave up trying to beg for him back and accepted there was nothing I could do, I refuse to drink alone because it comes back sometimes.

 

The burn hasnt gone away when I think about it in depth like the feel, smell, nick names smile it can feel like it was the first day I very quickly try to think about things I disliked and made me very unhappy doesnt always work but it can I try very hard to be angry and tell myself I was worth more.

 

For you I have high hopes your relationship sounded pretty painful with all the hurt back and forth, I have faith you will find someone with no baggage and it will be just you and her nothing more and you will be so happy that you got the oppertunity to have it, you will see it is much better and look back and wonder why you even gave the time of day for someone that pulled you left and right.

[Vinsanity1307]

Thank you.. Honestly do you think someday she will regret me? Maybe not come back or want me but kind of regret it? I stopped begging 4 weeks ago today. But still hold on to that false hope just maybe. I want to let it go but I havent/cannot. So the burning and anxiety is there and very real...and question we are not friends on Facebook she hasnt blocked me and I havent blocked her..Should I do so. I have not checked her page in 4 weeks afraid what ill see ..My mentality is maybe she ll search me one day and see that im ok or happy and moved on even though I technically havent(I havent been posting anything negative or whatever)..Just posting what I usually would...Thank you for your sincerity. You have been making me feel a little better. You seem like a genuine person and you will find someone who makes you happy and deserves you. And will never make you hurt.

[Omei]

Keep her away, stay away from fb. I had too deactivate for a month when I came back to it I blocked my ex for a long time. Do not look at their page ever, you may get hurt I do not look im too scared to look lol.

 

I dont know if she will ever regret it, we all hope the ones that left us will regret it but when you're healed someday that wont even matter to you anymore it will be too late and you will have found happiness. Tbh she seems like a confused mess from what you said about her she sounds the type to hang off anyone available or willing to help her, the texting with other men while being with you really irked me it shows no guilt.

[Vinsanity1307]

Ok....ive been staying away from Her facebook...The other guys when we were engaged was an aweful feeling....Just no heart apparently?...what about that good two year period we she really wanted me was that an act?....our was it cause I was so resentful and the tough guy.....How is it the ones you love most hurt you the most...I had a rough Night last night...stomache pains and the chest pain anxiety....I'm shaking as I'm texting this cause odd the anxiety....this is aweful. How you doing today?

[Omei]

Ok....ive been staying away from Her facebook...The other guys when we were engaged was an aweful feeling....Just no heart apparently?...what about that good two year period we she really wanted me was that an act?....our was it cause I was so resentful and the tough guy.....How is it the ones you love most hurt you the most...I had a rough Night last night...stomache pains and the chest pain anxiety....I'm shaking as I'm texting this cause odd the anxiety....this is aweful. How you doing today?

 

I am good no thoughts today, not much, I have been really stressed when men talk to me because its so hard of the thought of moving on I will move on but I cant picture myself with anyone else yet.

 

The 2 year period did she stop talking to the guys? Her having children that might never be possible, anyway perhaps she was trying but she's left you now so she's decided to not try anymore i'm afraid.

Edited August 22, 2013 by Omei

[Omei]

Stay Strong

[Vinsanity1307]

Glad you had no thoughts today....that's how I feel with the dates I've been on even though I'm not ready what so ever....I realize hey your not my ex and start the comparing...guess we are both not ready for someone else yet...you happy by yourself yet?..and as far as her talking to guys past few years no to my knowledge..she was petrified of me leaving cause of how scared and resentful I was of her doing that **** again...but I'm guessing she just kept me around cause she had nothing going for her during those rough few years...so she tried everything to keep me around or w e...was just scared she would hurt me again was just my guard i had up but still loved her....and time to heal for what she put me through but figured OK two years she's still here or w e I'll let the past goo and low and behold when the guard came down she rips my heart out ironically when she got her **** together.....hope tonight goes better for me...

[Omei]

Glad you had no thoughts today....that's how I feel with the dates I've been on even though I'm not ready what so ever....I realize hey your not my ex and start the comparing...guess we are both not ready for someone else yet...you happy by yourself yet?..and as far as her talking to guys past few years no to my knowledge..she was petrified of me leaving cause of how scared and resentful I was of her doing that **** again...but I'm guessing she just kept me around cause she had nothing going for her during those rough few years...so she tried everything to keep me around or w e...was just scared she would hurt me again was just my guard i had up but still loved her....and time to heal for what she put me through but figured OK two years she's still here or w e I'll let the past goo and low and behold when the guard came down she rips my heart out ironically when she got her **** together.....hope tonight goes better for me...

 

Yeah I am okay by myself, I tried dating like you it just hurt more than anything else because it wasn't him. So I stopped quickly. Have a good night

[Vinsanity1307]

comments appreciated....

 

Almost 3 months since being dumped and still struggling. Having a really bad day today cause its my sisters 1 year anniversary and last year at this time was one if not the best night of my life w/ my ex. We had a great night at the wedding and , and staying in a hotel. Just a romantic great few days The thoughts and fantasies wont leave...Sorry just venting...It is awful..I keep breaking down and I am at work..I dont know what to do...

Edited October 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator