Question for dumpers

[unexpectedlyhere]

I shouldn't be wondering this. But I am seeing my ex in two days for him to pick up his stuff and I can't help the loop replay.

 

He said to a mutual friend shortly after the breakup, which was towards the end of July, that he'd wondered whether he'd done the right thing, but then that people told him that if he was unhappy then it was right for him to leave (6.5 yr relationship, talk of family from early on, cohabiting for 5 yrs).

 

Breakup was because he fell out of love with me, probably due to the fact that I didn't love myself.

 

I am stupidly hoping that if he sees me in a good place on Sunday, he'll question his decision a bit more. I imagine he can't have had an easy summer either. He's not contacted me at all.

 

So the question is: is wondering whether he did the right thing a normal part of guilt, or is he actually confused?

 

Dumpers that were unhappy after the breakup: were any of you unhappy because of regret, or did just the guilt make you unhappy?

 

He has been saying (not to me, but to a mutual friend he knows is loyal to me) that he feels "a lot of guilt" and "like a criminal" and to someone else that he is worried about me. He's big on guilt.

 

When we've talked post-breakup he's been mostly on edge, sometimes more than me.

 

I don't even know what I'm asking, really. I want him to see me in a good place on Sunday, because *I* want to be in a good place. I want to be able to handle it.

I don't even know if I want reconciliation, but I don't want to blow it but making him think I'm over him already, or putting up a front, or being very out of synch with him.

 

You can read the full story of how I'm doing in my thread, which is in my signature.

[Curt2013]

If he loves you and its meant to be he will come back. In the meantime you have to take care of yourself. Feeling sorry and guilt does not mean he wants to get back together with you. Obviously he cares about you if he stayed for 6.5 years but something made him want to break up....it may be outside of your control so you shouldn't worry about that either.

 

As far as seeing your ex in a couple days I would act as normal as possible. Be true, honest but don't beg or act desperate because there's nothing attractive about desperate people. If you act desperate you will only push him away further. Also, I believe in CONFIDENCE as much as I believe in COMPASSION so be nice to yourself and to him, be mature about this but PLEASE don't be a doormat either. You're worth fighting for. If he doesn't see that, then he's not the right guy for you. Would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you but came back out of guilt? How long before he breaks up with you again?? You deserve more than that. Have pride and love yourself again! Don't let these fools take your dignity away!!!No. No and NO!

 

Remember: Face your fears and change your life forever. NO more FEAR!

[unexpectedlyhere]

Thank you for your words of encouragement!

 

I certainly have no intention to beg or be desperate. It's part of how we broke up that I told him not to stay with me out of pity.

But I am always oscillating between whether I should be coldish and indifferent, or whether I should be outgoing and friendly.

 

I want to be confident like you said. I also want to be compassionate. I may struggle more with finding the right balance with that. I don't think I am a doormat, but in the one conversation we had post-breakup I was superunderstanding, simply because... I don't know, that's how I am with him?

(Breakup scene: him crying, me holding his hand saying "You can tell me anything, I can take it", him saying "I'm no longer attracted to you...", me replying "That's ok, I have to go now but we'll talk about it more when I'm back", to give you a flavour)

 

It's like I'm either superselfish or supersupportive with no middle ground.

 

I know the guilt doesn't mean he wants to get back together. In fact, the prospect of guilt is what made him stay for too long! It's the opposite: his comment that he wonders whether he made the right decision, is it just guilt or is it that he actually has doubts about his decision?

 

Like you said, it doesn't really matter though, because if he really doubted it I hope he would have the guts to tell me. And because AFTER he made that comment to a friend, he told me it was final. So really, what am I even doubting?

 

I just wonder whether it'll be two people who feel miserable but putting on a happy face on Sunday, and in that case, if we're both miserable, whether it means we should talk about it.

 

Although deep down I know that I'll be happy verging on too happy, and he'll be miserable not because of wanting me back but because of guilt and embarrassment.

[BC1980]

Just be confident but not unnatural and overboard with it. You have every right to be confident.

 

My ex still says he is confused about his decision to break up. This is going on 5 months after he broke up with me. I do think it's normal for a lot of dumpers to wonder if they did the right thing. Some, of course, are more certain. It depends on the situation I guess. After continued indecision on my ex's part, I requested NC a few weeks ago. That was hard, but I don't regret it or second guess my decision. So maybe that is a little what dumpers feel like. I finally feel that I understand what it means to have faith in your decision, but you didn't want it to have to come to that. I didn't want to go NC, but it just came down to what I knew I had to do for myself. It was hard to make that decision and follow through with. So I think that is what dumpers feel sometimes. That they had to make a hard decision, but that it was the right decision.

[unexpectedlyhere]

That's an interesting way of seeing it, BC. It actually surprises me how much of the things I said in state of shock when he was leaving were actually fairly good decisions - that we wouldn't be friends because I "needed to hate him because I loved him too much" (I don't need to hate him, but I do need to get angry with him and I certainly won't be his friend any time soon), when he said sorry and that it was his fault I said we weren't in the business of assigning faults, when he was showing signs of wanting to leave but not being able to I told him I didn't want him to stay with me out of pity and finally when he said he wanted to go I said that if he didn't want to be there I couldn't keep him.

So I think instinctually I know what's right. I even know what's right now, or Sunday: be nice, be kind, be firm, don't trying to wrap him into guilt, avoid bitterness. (Whether I'll manage is another matter).

 

But it may be that it wasn't as "instinctual" to him, it was more of a conflicted decision, and a difficult one, but the "right" one nonetheless.

 

And besides, even if he was confused then, if afterwards he told me it's final, and he hasn't made any attempt to contact me, then maybe he's not confused anymore, no? *Tries again and again to convince a very stubborn heart with the powers of the brain*

[Grumpybutfun]

Instead of worrying about an ex-boyfriend, worry about the fact that you do not love yourself and get some help. You cannot and will not be a good partner to any man until you learn to be good to yourself and love yourself.

Sure, he may be confused because he wanted to love you, but it is almost impossible to love an insecure person if you are a happy and healthy person. Examine your own life and try to become someone that you love so that others can love you without you sabotaging yourself with insecurity.

Good luck,

Grumps

[unexpectedlyhere]

Instead of worrying about an ex-boyfriend, worry about the fact that you do not love yourself and get some help. You cannot and will not be a good partner to any man until you learn to be good to yourself and love yourself.

Sure, he may be confused because he wanted to love you, but it is almost impossible to love an insecure person if you are a happy and healthy person. Examine your own life and try to become someone that you love so that others can love you without you sabotaging yourself with insecurity.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

Thanks Grumps!

 

I am trying that. It was a massive kick up the backside to get dumped by the person I thought would never knowingly hurt me, so it's already had an effect.

 

I have lost weight and I now feel good about my image. Sometimes I feel *great* about it, but the most important thing is that I never feel *ugly*.

 

I have gotten an appointment with the psychologist coming up to work through stuff and learn to let go - not just of him, in general.

 

I have connected with friends through this and been amazed at their patience, love and support. I know I will never not ask for help again.

 

I have thought of a lot of ways to improve the things I felt were detrimental to the past relationship. I feel like I wouldn't repeat my mistakes.

 

I have masses of areas left to work on before I even begin to think of reconciling or of dating someone else, and I haven't been as onto the plan as I was hoping to be, but then part of the plan is also to let go a little bit and to understand that real change isn't one sudden upheaval but it is turning something into a habit.

I still indulge my own little fantasies (such as this one) and overthink stuff. I don't know whether that's something I can change. So for now I'm trying to deal with it on LS!

 

I do appreciate your words though, I know you're right. But because I am trying to be good to myself I wanted to say: I'm trying!