Pointless at this point?

[tma]

I have been having a very hard time dealing with my break-up that happened 2 weeks ago, and it has been consuming all of my thoughts which has been extremely depressing. I really do not know what I should do, as NC could possibly make the situation more final, or it could make things better?

 

My boyfriend and I had been together for just over 2 years when I ended things with him. My problems were that thing had gotten very boring and complacent. We stopped showing affection and attention for one another, we'd sleep together maybe once a month, and it seemed like we were more friends than actually in a relationship. Since we had been dating, we spent every night together, which looking back on it now, probably assisted us in what made the relationship become what it had become. Our nights would for the most part, consist of just watching tv in my room, and then going to bed at the same time, with the same routine. I had brought up how I was feeling about this a couple times, but he would say that he was content and he was happy with things. I couldn't understand how since we barely even touched each other anymore...

 

So I asked him to come over and we talked about it all, and I ended up ending things with him and he went home and that was that for the night. Since this has happened, I have really regretted my decision. I feel like there maybe we could've worked on things more and tried not spending as much time together, etc instead of just ending it. I guess maybe I kind of hoped that it would shock us into fixing things, rather than it being completely final.

 

He is a great guy who treated me VERY well and I completely trusted him. He was just lacking in the affection and attention side of things, and I guess that made things very one sided in that department. Once I stopped making the effort with that aspect of the relationship, it basically stopped completely because I wasn't the one doing it anymore.

 

Problem is now that I have hurt him too much, and he isn't sure if he sees a future with the relationship anymore and does not want to get back together. He told me that he was so sure I was the one that within the year of us buying a house together next year like we planned, he was going to propose, and had the whole engagement planned out. Now he doubts if he can ever get back to that feeling with me again because he doesn't think he can ever make me happy.

 

This is something he said to me a few days ago when he made his decision about not wanting to get back together with me:

"I want us to be able to remain civil and be friends and stay in touch. Once things kind of settle down hopefully we can hang out once in a while and we can talk anytime through text or whatever. This isn't the last we will talk and it's not the last we will see of each other. It will take a long time to get over this if I even do. I don't want you to "wait" for me. I want you to go on with your everyday life and if you meet someone that makes you happy that's good. It will suck at first but if that's how it goes then ill accept it. Like I said somedays I feel this is a mistake and who knows. Weeks/months/years from now we may both realize it and maybe we will have changed for the better. This is why I want to keep you in my life an be on good terms. I hope you can understand what I've said and why I have made this decision. I know it's going to suck for a while. But I hope we can get to that place where we can be friends and then the option if we want to be together is still available. I do care and love you"

 

So basically he has said many times to me that he wants to keep in contact often and stay "friends" so that maybe in time we can try things again. But it is SO hard for me to do that when all I want to do is get back together with him and am basically waiting around to see if he'll ever change his mind. That is why am so confused if I should go NC, or if by doing that, I will make things worse. I hate this all so much, and it makes it worse that I'm the one who ended things and now he doesn't want me back. Whenever we talk, things are fine when we talk as friends, but it hurts so much he is just so cold with anything to do with us. It is so hard not to tell him I love him and miss him, and just end conversations with "ttyl" instead of "I love you" like we used to. I honestly have no idea what is going through his head, or if he is just saying the friends thing to not be as harsh or if it'd help him get over me easier. I just feel so helpless and unsure of what to do

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like a decision was made before a whole lot of discussion went on or effort was put in to make things better. His response sounds pretty honest and that he does care about you, just was stung a little too much to think about getting over it any time soon.

 

Right now the only thing you can do is exactly what he seems planned on doing, taking care of yourself and trying to find happiness in your life. When we make decisions in life we have to live with them, hopefully yours leads to a happy future for the both of you.

[tma]

Sounds like a decision was made before a whole lot of discussion went on or effort was put in to make things better. His response sounds pretty honest and that he does care about you, just was stung a little too much to think about getting over it any time soon.

 

Right now the only thing you can do is exactly what he seems planned on doing, taking care of yourself and trying to find happiness in your life. When we make decisions in life we have to live with them, hopefully yours leads to a happy future for the both of you.

 

I guess I had just kind of gotten so frustrated with nothing changing and him seeming to be okay with it all. He told me that he was so sure I was the one that when we bought a house together next year (which is what we had planned), that within that next year he planned on proposing, and already had the engagement planned out. I can see why that would hurt him a lot to have me break up with him, but you'd think that would make him want to make it work, and not give up on me.

 

On Wednesday we talked for the first time in about 4 days, and we made plan for this Saturday (which just passed) to hang out. We did talk about some sexual stuff too, but I didn't think that was the focus of our hang outs at all. I told him to come over later to hang out when he was done hanging out with a buddy of his, and he said if he came over, it wouldn't be just to "hang out". Which I said was fine because I didn't think that it would just be about the sex with us anyways. We hung out for a bit, and ended up sleeping together. We cuddled at night and said I love you when we went to bed, and the next morning we slept together again and said I love you's when he left for work.

 

Then later on that day he says he hoped it didn't confuse things or make things harder etc etc, and that last night was "just sex". I was shocked and said that it would never been "just sex" with me and him because I love him too much etc. He said that things are not just going to change overnight, and he is sorry, and should've known it'd be a bad call to do something like that without consequences. He said that he has his days where he feels like not being together is the right thing, and days where he feels like it's completely wrong. He also said "Right now if we hang out, it is to stay friends. If there comes a point where I decide I feel like I want to be together, then at that point I would work towards starting over. Right now, at this point, if we hang out it is not to work on things."

 

That message sounded so cold, and final with his decision and it really hurt me that he would do all that, and then just basically tell me it meant nothing. I from there told him that we needed to go NC and that I wasn't being demoted from girlfriend to "friend", and that it hurt too much to be friends and have him possibly move on to someone else, or to just be waiting around for him. I told him the lines would be open for communication if he decides he wants to get back together etc. He said okay and that he was sorry for everything, and we haven't spoken since. No messages from either of us.

 

It has been SO hard on me and I cry all the time thinking about how I messed up and that I lost him for good. I don't know if I should stay NC until he decides if he'd want to be with me, or if I should talk and stay friends and prove that I am really serious I want to get back together. My mind is SO torn, and I don't know if either idea is the right thing to do.

 

I have been reading a lot of the threads on this site and it has been very helpful, but at the same time, it wasn't a super crazy break up and there was no real terrible reason that we did. I don't know if I should be making more of an effort to win him back, but I feel like I said all that I could say to show him how sorry I am and how big of a mistake it was. I feel like if I keep saying more stuff to try and convince him, it will just turn him off from me than anything. The ball is totally in his court...

 

Any insight on this situation would be greatly helpful as I feel so lost and there seems to be a lot of support on this site which I love. It has been so hard to go NC and think about messaging him constantly.

 

I guess I also should add that next week Tuesday, I am going to be in Europe for 3 weeks...

[rakasan]

I don't have much insight, but I do feel your pain. I just posted a thread about how I ended things with my ex after realizing that we needed a major change after a huge fight that left me in a world of hurt. It opened my eyes to how our problems/baggage from previous fights had really not been dealt with and I really wanted us to work on ourselves, to learn and grow from our past mistakes before being together again. (more details and insight here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/428404-emotional-immaturity-second-chances-possible

 

I don't know if he will come back, and it scares me. Similarly to your situation, he also wants an open line of communication. But it was made clear that this break up was to work on ourselves personally and if during that time one of us realized we didn't want to try again then that would be that. I needed this time to grow and reflect. At one point, I do want to be back with him. But it isn't fair for me to assume he will be there waiting (especially since he was so broken over it, he wanted to stay together but the fight was ugly, I was still hurt and I didn't want it to carry over and cause more problems). I am pretty torn up about it because all I wanted was for our relationship to improve, like you. And by doing so, we must somehow find the strength to deal with whatever decision they make.

[tma]

I don't have much insight, but I do feel your pain. I just posted a thread about how I ended things with my ex after realizing that we needed a major change after a huge fight that left me in a world of hurt. It opened my eyes to how our problems/baggage from previous fights had really not been dealt with and I really wanted us to work on ourselves, to learn and grow from our past mistakes before being together again. (more details and insight here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/428404-emotional-immaturity-second-chances-possible

 

I don't know if he will come back, and it scares me. Similarly to your situation, he also wants an open line of communication. But it was made clear that this break up was to work on ourselves personally and if during that time one of us realized we didn't want to try again then that would be that. I needed this time to grow and reflect. At one point, I do want to be back with him. But it isn't fair for me to assume he will be there waiting (especially since he was so broken over it, he wanted to stay together but the fight was ugly, I was still hurt and I didn't want it to carry over and cause more problems). I am pretty torn up about it because all I wanted was for our relationship to improve, like you. And by doing so, we must somehow find the strength to deal with whatever decision they make.

 

So is he the one holding back from getting back together, or are you? Are you continuing contact or not? That is the part I'm struggling with the most. I don't know if I am hurting or helping things by going NC, but it seems like the only thing that keeps me slightly sane as talking to him and constantly wondering where his head is at kills me.

[HeartBroken1988]

When I read this I had this huge pain in my stomach again. I wish it could have been my ex talking.

She ended things exactly because of these reasons but sadly it involved also cheating from her part and she showed no regrets, she just blamed me for all these reasons.

we were more than 2 years together, she meant the world for me.

I know there's no future, it's been already 4 months with nc and I should be happy she's out of my life but I miss her so much, there's so much things I would have done differently but it's over.

My self esteem is rock bottom and I have a huge feeling of sadness and it's not even because of her. something is broken inside me.

 

I wish you the best and I really hope you can make it through this crysis and be back together like I would if it didn't ended so badly.

[CaliBabe]

I know you feel helpless but do NOT let him use you for sex. Go NC and fast!

[tma]

When I read this I had this huge pain in my stomach again. I wish it could have been my ex talking.

She ended things exactly because of these reasons but sadly it involved also cheating from her part and she showed no regrets, she just blamed me for all these reasons.

we were more than 2 years together, she meant the world for me.

I know there's no future, it's been already 4 months with nc and I should be happy she's out of my life but I miss her so much, there's so much things I would have done differently but it's over.

My self esteem is rock bottom and I have a huge feeling of sadness and it's not even because of her. something is broken inside me.

 

I wish you the best and I really hope you can make it through this crysis and be back together like I would if it didn't ended so badly.

 

Well if she cheated on you than it sounds like she probably doesn't deserve the love you have for her. All you can do is better yourself from it and move past things. 4 months NC is HUGE and you should be super proud of yourself for that. Have you tried going to speak to someone about how you are feeling about yourself as well to help you sort things out?

 

Thank you, and I really hope so too!

[tma]

I know you feel helpless but do NOT let him use you for sex. Go NC and fast!

 

I don't really know why he'd want to hurt me like that since he is not that kind of guy, but I also feel like he has way too much power over me which is why we haven't talked since Thursday morning.

 

Today is the first day I haven't cried so far, and it's nice to have not, but I guess part of me is still really holding on to that hope that he will eventually come back.

 

I'm thinking that maybe I will break NC and meet up to talk and see how things are once I get back from Europe, or possibly message him to say hi while I am in Europe because I don't want to give up completely. Since I was the one who initiated the break up, I feel like I should still be trying to make things better somehow.

[rakasan]

So is he the one holding back from getting back together, or are you? Are you continuing contact or not? That is the part I'm struggling with the most. I don't know if I am hurting or helping things by going NC, but it seems like the only thing that keeps me slightly sane as talking to him and constantly wondering where his head is at kills me.

 

I don't know that I can say who is the one holding us back from getting together... I view it more as our circumstances are. We just got to a point where there was too much hurt built up to be able to remain in the relationship and it wasn't going to change unless we did.

 

I am just as lost as you are with the NC dilemma. Everything on these forums says that NC is really the best option, and I know everyone here knows what they're talking about. But the day after the break up I texting him with my thoughts on how I feel about where we stand and what we need to do if we ever want to try to get back together. I just needed to make sure we both understood why this had to happen. I caved today and called him with questions (and some tears) about some of the things he had done/said before and during the breakup and how he felt... I don't feel great but I don't feel miserable. We were open books to each other during the relationship, it might not have been for the best for either of us in the long run but it is incredibly hard to just remove myself entirely from someone I felt was a part of me. Neither of us wanted this... but sometimes doing what is best for the both of us feels like the absolute worst. Long story short: I'm with you on the confusion and I share your pain.

[tma]

I don't know that I can say who is the one holding us back from getting together... I view it more as our circumstances are. We just got to a point where there was too much hurt built up to be able to remain in the relationship and it wasn't going to change unless we did.

 

I am just as lost as you are with the NC dilemma. Everything on these forums says that NC is really the best option, and I know everyone here knows what they're talking about. But the day after the break up I texting him with my thoughts on how I feel about where we stand and what we need to do if we ever want to try to get back together. I just needed to make sure we both understood why this had to happen. I caved today and called him with questions (and some tears) about some of the things he had done/said before and during the breakup and how he felt... I don't feel great but I don't feel miserable. We were open books to each other during the relationship, it might not have been for the best for either of us in the long run but it is incredibly hard to just remove myself entirely from someone I felt was a part of me. Neither of us wanted this... but sometimes doing what is best for the both of us feels like the absolute worst. Long story short: I'm with you on the confusion and I share your pain.

 

That's kind of where my mind was at when I decided to break up with him, so it would almost force us to take things more seriously and fix what was becoming a big problem in our relationship. But he felt as if it was more punishment from me than anything and it back fired on me. Which I now feel like it did back fire on me as he said he didn't want to get back together with me "right now", and that "maybe" in the future something could spark with us again. I see that all as basically bread crumbs and it makes me really sad. I feel like I made such a HUGE mistake doing what I did

 

Well it seem like your boyfriend is willing to wait for you and that he is willing to work things out together, though, so at least that is a positive sign!! Maybe keeping the lines of communication semi open for you is the best idea?

 

 

I am finding it really hard not to break NC today. It's been about 5 days of NC, which is the longest we have gone since we broke up and it makes me feel so sick to my stomach. The longer I go NC, the more it feels like I am losing him. I really want to message him and just to talk and let him know I am thinking about him etc, but I am so scared what his response will be and if it'll be cold and send me right back to crying every day. I just wish he would realize that what we have is worth fighting for and worth saving. It makes no sense that he had planned to propose to me within the next year and a half or so, and was so sure I was the one, and now only wants a friendship with me. I am so confused

[tma]

Can anyone else give me some input on this? I am really unsure about if this NC is doing more harm than good in the long run?

[tma]

For the first time since Sunday, I cried today . I just started thinking about how much I miss him, and that as each day goes by that we haven't talked (it'll be a week tomorrow of neither of us trying to contact each other), the more hopeless it seems that things won't work out.

 

It also makes me mad that he's basically given up on trying in the relationship. I know I am the one who ended it with him, but I felt like he gave me no choice. It sucks that he thinks that my desire for more attention and affection and compliments was because I am "insecure". I think every girl wants those things, and most people in general. If those things aren't present in a relationship than you just end up feeling like buddies. All he had to do to make me happy was try a little harder with things like that, and instead he chose to just give up and say that he doesn't think it'll ever be good enough for me. So sad. So sad that someone who had already planned our engagement would just give up so easily on us. I would really like to know where his head is at and it i SO hard not to contact him right now. All I want to do is hear his voice and hear how he is doing, but I know it's probably just going to make me even more sad since he clearly doesn't want to get back together with me anymore

[tma]

It makes me sad that everyone else responds to the other threads. Is my case not bad enough or something? I'm confused...

[tma]

Ahhhh I am sitting here trying extremely hard not to contact him right now!! It's been 1 week of NC right now since we got into the fight about him sleeping with me and it leading no where, while I thought it meant more to him. I know I told him that I can't just stay his friend and that I am completely willing to put everything into working on things, and will speak to him once he feels the same. I just wish he was wanting to put the effort in and fight for the relationship like I am . I don't understand why I wasn't worth fighting for....

 

I am leaving for Europe for 3 weeks on Tuesday, and I doubt he'll message me, but I almost feel like I should maybe send him an email and express myself with how I feel and that I miss him and that I am still wanting to work on things. But maybe that would just hurt my situation rather than help it? I have no idea what to do and it is eating me up inside. I just wish I hadn't broken up with him and that we could've worked on things more together. It was a huge mistake and I'm beyond hurt that he won't take me back, and is choosing to move on with his life instead

[StrongLass]

I guess maybe I kind of hoped that it would shock us into fixing things, rather than it being completely final.

 

Bad approach, bad ending. You reap what you sow.

 

He is a great guy who treated me VERY well and I completely trusted him. He was just lacking in the affection and attention side of things, and I guess that made things very one sided in that department. Once I stopped making the effort with that aspect of the relationship, it basically stopped completely because I wasn't the one doing it anymore.

 

If he's SOOO great then why weren't your needs being met to the point you felt you had to end it to fix things?

 

Problem is now that I have hurt him too much, and he isn't sure if he sees a future with the relationship anymore and does not want to get back together. He told me that he was so sure I was the one that within the year of us buying a house together next year like we planned, he was going to propose, and had the whole engagement planned out. Now he doubts if he can ever get back to that feeling with me again because he doesn't think he can ever make me happy.

 

Those are the ONLY two things in that block of texts that deserve your upmost attention. You had a need and he WAS NOT fulfilling it and he DOESN'T THINK HE CAN.

 

 

But it is SO hard for me to do that when all I want to do is get back together with him and am basically waiting around to see if he'll ever change his mind.

 

In bold is EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD GO NC RIGHT NOW. If you both are able to work things out in the future it will not be while you (or him) are still caught up in your feelings.

 

I just feel so helpless and unsure of what to do

 

This sentence along with the rest of your posts just screams "I JUST LOST MY COMFORTABLE ROUTINE SO NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF"

 

With that kind of weird co-dependence being single for a while might be a really good thing for you.

[tma]

Bad approach, bad ending. You reap what you sow.

 

 

 

If he's SOOO great then why weren't your needs being met to the point you felt you had to end it to fix things?

 

 

 

Those are the ONLY two things in that block of texts that deserve your upmost attention. You had a need and he WAS NOT fulfilling it and he DOESN'T THINK HE CAN.

 

 

 

 

In bold is EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD GO NC RIGHT NOW. If you both are able to work things out in the future it will not be while you (or him) are still caught up in your feelings.

 

 

 

This sentence along with the rest of your posts just screams "I JUST LOST MY COMFORTABLE ROUTINE SO NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF"

 

With that kind of weird co-dependence being single for a while might be a really good thing for you.

 

I know...it was a mistake, I guess I just felt like since I had been bringing up that issue that something serious needed to happen to change things. It is a good life lesson that I will know never to make again...

 

Well he was great in every aspect except the affection, attention, compliments was a hard area for him. He said it made him feel awkward giving me compliments and saying nice things to me. He had always said he wanted to work on that and try harder, but it never really changed. Once we broke up he said that he didn't think he was that bad and doesn't think he really needed to change, and that the reason I wanted those things was because I was insecure. I don't think wanting those things is because of insecurity issues, and I really didn't think I was asking that much from him. Maybe I was? My mind is so jumbled right now...constantly flip flopping.

 

I have gone NC since the issue happened when we had sex last week, which has now been a full week. Not sure if you read my other posts to know what I am talking about. It has been extremely hard for me, though.

 

You are right, I know a part of why I am upset is because I did lose my comfortable routine. For over 2 years, we basically only spent about 3 nights apart. He slept at my place every night. It's hard to get used to being completely alone like this, and maybe being single is the best thing for me right now. It's just hard to tell myself that when I feel like I really messed up.

[J21]

So sad that someone who had already planned our engagement would just give up so easily on us.

 

It's not "giving up so easily on us", it's called "you hurt him".

 

It hurts a lot more when you break up with someone you had plans of marrying than just somebody you date (with no plans of marriage). I don't think you are giving much thought or credit to how much your ex would be hurt by you breaking up.

 

Maybe it's just me, and I'm sorry if this sounds a little blunt... but I don't know if I would want to marry someone after they dumped me. Would you?

 

I understand your "fight for our love and relationship" ideology, but you cannot dump him and expect him to come running back the minute you say you want to get back together. Break ups are not some kinda test to see if someone truly wants to marry you.

 

I'm really sorry to hear of your heartache, but I don't know if there is much you can do at this point. You've expressed interested in getting back together, and he declined (as of now). It takes two to make a relationship work, so just give him his space and he may come around later on.

 

I would focus on NC so you can recover. Maintaining contact would make you think about him more.

 

Good luck and best of luck on a speedy recovery.

Edited October 4, 2013 by J21

[tma]

It's not "giving up so easily on us", it's called "you hurt him".

 

It hurts a lot more when you break up with someone you had plans of marrying than just somebody you date (with no plans of marriage). I don't think you are giving much thought or credit to how much your ex would be hurt by you breaking up.

 

Maybe it's just me, and I'm sorry if this sounds a little blunt... but I don't know if I would want to marry someone after they dumped me. Would you?

 

I understand your "fight for our love and relationship" ideology, but you cannot dump him and expect him to come running back the minute you say you want to get back together. Break ups are not some kinda test to see if someone truly wants to marry you.

 

I'm really sorry to hear of your heartache, but I don't know if there is much you can do at this point. You've expressed interested in getting back together, and he declined (as of now). It takes two to make a relationship work, so just give him his space and he may come around later on.

 

I would focus on NC so you can recover. Maintaining contact would make you think about him more.

 

Good luck and best of luck on a speedy recovery.

 

Yeah, you are right. I guess it is hard for me to understand his side of things because I know what I would do in his situation, but not everyone is the same. He is very strong and can control his emotions very well (which I guess is obvious since he wasn't very emotional to begin with), so he has the advantage over me because I am really letting my emotions get the best of me. Which seem to be normal in break ups since most of the people on here are going through the same roller coaster of emotions.

 

I guess it would make me have my doubts to marry, but I think if the effort and love was shown on both parts to make things work, something like this would be a distant memory in the grand scheme of things.

 

I am doing my best to give him space, and I know it should get easier with time. I refrained from calling him tonight and did not break NC, so I feel better about it now that the feelings of anxiety have passed.

 

Thank you for your kinds words, I appreciate it.

[tma]

So I've been in Europe since Oct 8th by myself and had kept no contact for about two weeks up until Oct 9th when I was feeling especially vulnerable being so far out of my comfort zone. We talked for a little bit and I had brought up the relationship stuff because I wanted him to know what I was thinking and how I see things differently now. Before we kind of wanted some different things, but being a part this long I realized I do want all the same things as well. He said he is still very unsure of things and that "My thing is that I don't think I could go back to being sure about things. Things would never be normal. I don't know that I could just trust or be myself." I told him that we won't know if we don't try and if we don't try than we'll always wonder, and that I think the love we have for each other is worth a second try. And he said he didn't know.

 

I just don't get how he wouldn't want to try. It still makes no sense to me. And it sucks because I'm all the way out here supposed to be enjoying my trip and I can't turn off my brain to stop thinking of him. It makes me feel sick to my stomach and home sick every day. Traveling alone is really hard right now because it makes me feel the loneliest I have ever felt. I know I sound super co depend right now, but it's hard to change my thinking and turn off that sad feeling in my heart. I'm really starting to feel like I have lost him for good . We haven't talked since that time I messaged him.

[Fufu]

So I've been in Europe since Oct 8th by myself and had kept no contact for about two weeks up until Oct 9th when I was feeling especially vulnerable being so far out of my comfort zone. We talked for a little bit and I had brought up the relationship stuff because I wanted him to know what I was thinking and how I see things differently now. Before we kind of wanted some different things, but being a part this long I realized I do want all the same things as well. He said he is still very unsure of things and that "My thing is that I don't think I could go back to being sure about things. Things would never be normal. I don't know that I could just trust or be myself." I told him that we won't know if we don't try and if we don't try than we'll always wonder, and that I think the love we have for each other is worth a second try. And he said he didn't know.

 

I just don't get how he wouldn't want to try. It still makes no sense to me. And it sucks because I'm all the way out here supposed to be enjoying my trip and I can't turn off my brain to stop thinking of him. It makes me feel sick to my stomach and home sick every day. Traveling alone is really hard right now because it makes me feel the loneliest I have ever felt. I know I sound super co depend right now, but it's hard to change my thinking and turn off that sad feeling in my heart. I'm really starting to feel like I have lost him for good . We haven't talked since that time I messaged him.

 

 

What he said did sound very similar to what my ex told me. I call these "breadcrumbs" and I held on to his words so long that I lost track of myself and the surrounding and it crippled me badly until one day I realized he never really wanted to get back with me.

 

What I can say is leave a person when he/she is not being firm of what he/she wants. Don't put yourself with someone who is hesitating in a relationship, you are going to suffer from it especially you are holding lots of feelings for him and as for him (dumper) has long decided to leave the relationship. (It's a total complete direction from both parties)

[tma]

What he said did sound very similar to what my ex told me. I call these "breadcrumbs" and I held on to his words so long that I lost track of myself and the surrounding and it crippled me badly until one day I realized he never really wanted to get back with me.

 

What I can say is leave a person when he/she is not being firm of what he/she wants. Don't put yourself with someone who is hesitating in a relationship, you are going to suffer from it especially you are holding lots of feelings for him and as for him (dumper) has long decided to leave the relationship. (It's a total complete direction from both parties)

 

That is what I am worried about. Him just leading me on and giving me breadcrumbs. The thing is that I was the dumper, not him. I realized I made a mistake and tried to get back together with him but he wasn't having it because he felt like he couldn't trust me anymore. So that's why I'm wondering if talking and hanging out with him would help the situation and earn his trust to show how serious I am about my mistake.

 

I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you. How long had it been since you went NC?

[leafguy]

TMA,

I wish to say that your situation is pretty much like mine. I won\t get into details, but it was pretty similar with everything...watching tv, to getting into a rut, etc etc.

 

I gave her a second chance, then she ended it with me because I had become clingy, needy and what not after I found out she had been chatting up some other guy at a level that was an emotional affair.

 

We went NC for a week before starting to talk full circle again to a point the conversation felt natural and I asked her to go out for an evening to see some Halloween festival. She ultimately said no, that she loved me and called me pet names again despite all of it.

 

Long story short, she wanted this weekend to have some peace and quiet and said she would text me at some point which never came. Have to admit I am hugely dissapointed and pretty upset about it, even though I shouldnt be.

 

So my advice from personal experience now would be to ignore the breadcrumbs, or respond in brief responses. I made the mistake of holding out the expectation she would honor her promise...first time she really has broke one in 5 years of knowing her. That being said, you two aren't together anymore and I would drop all expectations and focus on yourself.

 

Take some time and maybe explore the issue down the road in a greater detail, but not until you have passed these feelings of grief, pain and what not. It will also give him time to heal as well and maybe change his tune a bit on what happened. He is likely very bitter about it still, so give it some time.