Emotional abuse or done?

[Michellinda]

Hello everyone. I am really down and in need of some advice. My boyfriend of seven months broke up with me Saturday night on the street after we had dinner with his family ( his fam loves me but he doesn't get a long with them). He texted me early morning the next day saying he regretted the decision and how he didn't want to take me away from his dog (I love his dog, known it since it's been a puppy) then continued with another text saying how he hates his life and doesn't know what to do. I didn't respond the whole day because he has done this to me before wanting to break up anytime we fight. I'm sick of it I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. He has a very short fuse, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells with him, he has used the silent treatment on me for days, he is controlling, he withdraws sex and affection when he is angry, has verbally insulted me. Things can be going great and then something will set him off. I feel awful but the strange thing is I love him. In the beginning it was a whirlwind romance, he wanted to get married, we got the certificate but I told him let's get to know each other better. He was very giving, sweet, fun and loving. I felt lucky but I did see signs with him trying to control my friendships etc and he's always threatened to break up if things weren't going his way. Anyway, I didn't respond to his text Sunday suddenly I get a text at midnight saying since you didn't respond we are done and he removed the in the relationship status on fb. He has kept me as a friend. I did finally respond and said I love him and if he wants to end things, I respect his decision. I proceeded to say I never wanted to end things but i didn't respond in the morning because I needed time to think. He responded well it's too late, we are done. I am in my early 30s he is in his late 20's. This is not how he should be acting. I haven't heard from him since Sunday night and I'm just really down about it all. Why do I love him when he is playing with my emotions and what do you all recommend I should do?

[Philosoraptor]

He is controlling and manipulative. You shouldn't contact him anymore as it's going to be the same thing if you go back to him, and no one should feel shackled in a relationship.

 

He immideately went to "you're too late" in order to shift the blame and assert his control. Now in his mind it's "she needs to beg for me back as if she would have responded right away we would have been ok" (which it wouldn't have). And attempted to plant a seed of doubt in your head in order to manipulate you through guilt.

 

Again, do not contact this manipulative person. Ignore/block all his attempts to contact you in the future. Take care of yourself, heal up, and move on.

[Michellinda]

Thank you philosoraptor for your response. You are right. It helps getting input from someone who is able to see it objectively. I do feel guilty and keep thinking if I only responded in the morning but something else would have occurred to set him off again. I feel worthless like I'm a piece of garbage because of the way he discarded me. I know I should be thanking my lucky stars. I need to heal. Thank you again.

[Crila16]

Total and complete emotional abuse. I'm dealing with this with my boyfriend...on a lesser, but similar scale...it's still abuse.

 

It's not love when someone breaks up with you for the dumbest reasons. He's too quick tempered and jumps the gun...only to regret it afterwards. It's like the physically abusive husband who beats his wife and almost kills her, only to break down crying, begging for forgiveness, telling her he loves her...only to beat her again later on down the road.

 

You are not physically abused, but you are being mentally and emotionally beaten up. Then he apologizes, only to beat you up again.

 

It's tough to walk away, even when they're abusive, because you're still in love with the good side that they showed for so long. Just realize that the bad side is also who he is.

 

Like Oprah said "When a man shows you who is he, believe him."

[Michellinda]

Thank you Crila16. Reading both replies make me feel better about this whole ordeal. I keep thinking and thinking about what I could have done differently but no matter what, I know deep down he would just get angry about something else. I love oprah's quote. So true. I hope you are able to work things out with your bf.

[Crila16]

Thanks Michellinda.

 

I wish things could work out with my boyfriend too, but unfortunately I don't think it will.

[Michellinda]

I wish finding love was easier for all us but I know we need to be treated with love and respect. As my mom says better to be alone than with bad company.

[d0nnivain]

The insults border on emotional abuse; the rest of it is just bad behavior / immaturity. I don't see real malice behind it but a lot of stupidity.

 

 

Anybody who breaks up with you multiple times & over a text message isn't worth getting upset about. Really, you don't need this BS. he needs to grow up & you need to date adults.

 

 

It was fun while it lasted. I'm sorry you are going to miss the dog but I don't see much there worth fighting to save. Let him go.

[pteromom]

Why do I love him when he is playing with my emotions and what do you all recommend I should do?

 

Because you love the "good" side of him... the fun and funny and loving side when things are going well.

 

But that other side is part of him too. And you can't have the good without the bad.

 

The question is - is it worth walking on eggshells, feeling badly about yourself, feeling scared about when he'll go off again, and being controlled and manipulated in order to get the good side of him?

 

And if your answer to that is "yes", then you need to ask yourself WHY.

 

You can do better than this. There's a man out there who will give you all the love and laughter without the pain and tears. Find him.

[Michellinda]

Thank you for you advice Donnivain. It really did feel like I was dating a child. Maybe this is the best thing that could have happened.

[Haydn]

All the advice i ever got here was usually spot on. No one should control you and expect you to jump to their tune. Ignore this man and move on. I was controlled and will never be again. Go NC. Take care.

[Michellinda]

Pteromom, wow what you said hit home. It isn't worth all this pain and drama for only a couple of good days and only when he wants it to be good. I am not someone's toy. I do have that sick sad feeling in my stomach but it could be my ego hurting because he doesn't seem to care. The truth is I know that a guy who truly loves me won't hurt me like this and I know I'm worth better than this. Thank you for your advice. Every reply is showing me the light!

[pteromom]

Pteromom, wow what you said hit home. It isn't worth all this pain and drama for only a couple of good days and only when he wants it to be good. I am not someone's toy. I do have that sick sad feeling in my stomach but it could be my ego hurting because he doesn't seem to care. The truth is I know that a guy who truly loves me won't hurt me like this and I know I'm worth better than this. Thank you for your advice. Every reply is showing me the light!

 

Another thing I read a while back that has stuck with me is that if you think about all his "good times" - the times when he is loving and fun and funny, it is when he is getting what he wants. He's not being good to you out of love for YOU, but because he's having a good time himself. The sex, the laughter, the vacation, the snuggling, the movie... it's easy for him to be happy because he's getting what he wants.

 

But whenever his expectations aren't met, and he is no longer getting what HE wants, that's when he lashes out at you and somehow makes it all your fault that he's not happy.

 

So there's two things to consider in that: 1. that his "good side" is motivated by his own selfishness, and 2. his bad side is motivated by his own lack of responsibility for his own happiness.

 

Neither of those are characteristics you should look for in a partner.

[pteromom]

I do have that sick sad feeling in my stomach but it could be my ego hurting because he doesn't seem to care.

 

I'm sure you DO have legitimate pain of loss. That's ok.

 

But being in love with the person you know someone COULD be if they just knew better doesn't change them into that person.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Pteromom, you took the words right out of my mouth. This was my ex 100%. He broke up with me about 5 times before the end b/c he said I was making him miserable. When he was happy with me (cooking, vaca, sex)...he would say and do the most incredible things for me...make me feel like a queen. It's amazing how he made me feel like a queen one day and trash the next. Ugh, I cannot believe I stayed with the a-hole for as long as I did.

 

If I was unhappy with him or tried to open up about something that bothered me..he would throw his hands up in the air and say how this wasn't how a relationship should be and how unhappy he was..how stressed I made him. Selfish, lazy, egotistical. He was basically punishing me for communicating my feelings...for not being utterly satisfied by him.

 

I cannot believe I let him put me through the emotional wringer. I had hoped he would change. Sadly he didn't think he needed to...he always put the blame on me.

 

Ladies, if he wants to break up, let him go.

 

 

 

Another thing I read a while back that has stuck with me is that if you think about all his "good times" - the times when he is loving and fun and funny, it is when he is getting what he wants. He's not being good to you out of love for YOU, but because he's having a good time himself. The sex, the laughter, the vacation, the snuggling, the movie... it's easy for him to be happy because he's getting what he wants.

 

But whenever his expectations aren't met, and he is no longer getting what HE wants, that's when he lashes out at you and somehow makes it all your fault that he's not happy.

 

So there's two things to consider in that: 1. that his "good side" is motivated by his own selfishness, and 2. his bad side is motivated by his own lack of responsibility for his own happiness.

 

Neither of those are characteristics you should look for in a partner.

[Michellinda]

Pteromom I love you! Thank you again and seekingpeaceinlove are you sure your ex and mine arent the same person?! Hehe. I cant believe how much better I feel from this morning when I first posted.

[me85]

People on here are right. Especially Raptor. Controlling and manipulative. My ex is the SAME EXACT kind of person. "Oh poor you boo hoo" They are just users. & boy the temper! My ex had his hooks in me deep too. I would always forgive him and come anytime he called...DUMB.

 

Go NC. If he changes his ways and prooves himself & chases you, then maybe he really is sincere and deserves another chance. Until then, do YOU for a while.

[me85]

Proves* oops

[pteromom]

If he changes his ways and prooves himself & chases you, then maybe he really is sincere and deserves another chance. Until then, do YOU for a while.

 

The key is "IF he changes his ways and proves himself".

 

He will be chasing you, as soon as he's horny or lonely. Bet on it!

 

But the ONLY way you should give him another chance is if he takes full responsibility for his part in the breakdown of your relationship AND if he takes action to learn how to do things differently in the future (seeing a professional, anger management classes, etc.) Words without action just equal more manipulation.

[Michellinda]

I agree. My sister said the same thing that if he comes around again to tell him until you get some help I am not going to get back with you. I have been really trying to do me. I am making plans with my friends (he gave me problems about seeing them), going to the gym, meditating and trying to feel and think positive thoughts and loveshack really has helped. I honestly woke up today feeling so sad but I know it was a sick cycle. I keep thinking how i would apologize for things that weren't even my fault just so he wouldn't ignore me or end things. I feel like I lost myself and my ability to stand up for myself.

[pteromom]

I agree. My sister said the same thing that if he comes around again to tell him until you get some help I am not going to get back with you. I have been really trying to do me. I am making plans with my friends (he gave me problems about seeing them), going to the gym, meditating and trying to feel and think positive thoughts and loveshack really has helped. I honestly woke up today feeling so sad but I know it was a sick cycle. I keep thinking how i would apologize for things that weren't even my fault just so he wouldn't ignore me or end things. I feel like I lost myself and my ability to stand up for myself.

 

You sound like a smart person who got caught in a bad situation.

 

You are doing the EXACT right thing that you should be doing - filling your life with things that make you feel happy and whole, so that when he comes sniffing around - and he will - you won't be vulnerable to his pretty words.

[amtz]

I was about to open a new threat seeking advice till the title of this post caught my attention. I'm in the same boat as you Michellinda! I have lost total and absolute control of my life! I don't hang out with friends anymore, don't go out, can't even take my mother out to eat! And the worst part is I love that b**ch!

 

 

The mental abuse is off the roof! I try to explain things to her in a calm matter and all of a sudden she goes crazy.

 

 

My situation has gotten to a point I no longer can't rest after work let alone stay at home for the night! This past Friday after a 10 hour shift we were talking on the phone while I was driving home. I got home and told her I was tired and that I needed wanted to rest for a while and like around 10 pm I would visit her. Her reaction was "OK YEAH REST ALL YOU WANT!! DON'T BOTHER TO STOP BY MY HOUSE!" I literally had to drive to her house in my PJ's to calm her down only to be put down even further with verbal abuse...

 

 

The next day we worked things out and had a hard time explaining to her that I needed to do some errands such as take the car to the mechanic, get a hair cut and to be HONEST needed some alone time since it is nearly impossible to miss a day without seeing her or sleeping over or else she will be calling it off and just like your ex she will plant the seed of doughty on me saying something like "All I wanted is spent time with you and you don't care, or go silent for 3 days and text me with a message like: I HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A BLAST! JUST LETTING YOU KNOW I'M HAVING A HARD TIME."

 

 

Anyway I did get a chance to do my errands ALONE and we agreed to go out to dinner. I crashed out most likely do to stress, work and all the emotional disaster in my, she called and I wasn't I told her to come on in while I showered and she went bizerk "you think I got your time?!! I drove to your house for nothing?!! In less than 2 minutes I was downstairs opening the front door when she drove off!! How stupid as it sounds I drove to her house and waited 3 hours outside in the patio till she arrived... While that time I broke a personal record of calling someone 50 times without getting answered!! I HAVE LOST SELF DIGNITY AND RESPECT!

 

 

AGAIN we talked figured out things. Being leaned to her side and agreed to visit her Christian church (don't see the holy spirit in her beliefs) (I'm catholic by the way) While in church she was hugging and picking my nose and acting like if we were at the movies or something and I asked her to stop! Even though I'm not Christian I agreed to take her to her church and regardless of ones belief it is a holy place for many and it's clear that a church is no place to act silly. AGAIN SHE GOT UPSET that why was acting dry and not accepting her hugs and what not! I told her to cool off that we just had gone to church it suppose to reset your mind to go in peace etc.. After she managed to cool it I invited her to have some late breakfast and had a long friendly conversation.. While she was driving I told her to drop me off at my house since I wanted to spend some time with my mom and invite her lunch later in the day (SHE DOESN'T GET ALONG WITH MY MOM BY THE AWAY ACCORDING TO HER I POISONED HER RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOM).

 

 

And again she caused drama! Sorry to post in your threat but I just wanted to give you some insite on my current status. I would love to give you advice and tell you get rid of that garbage you nor anyone disserve such treatment, but it clear that my advice would come from someone that has zero dignity and lacks character!

 

 

PM any time you wish! What ever I can do to help will give me the courage to get rid of this toxic relationship.

 

 

I'm in my late 27's in a year 6 months sh*t hole relationship!

 

 

Will pray for you!

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[pteromom]

I got home and told her I was tired and that I needed wanted to rest for a while and like around 10 pm I would visit her. Her reaction was "OK YEAH REST ALL YOU WANT!! DON'T BOTHER TO STOP BY MY HOUSE!" I literally had to drive to her house in my PJ's to calm her down only to be put down even further with verbal abuse...

 

No you didn't have to do that. By doing so, you just rewarded her for that behavior.

 

 

How stupid as it sounds I drove to her house and waited 3 hours outside in the patio till she arrived... While that time I broke a personal record of calling someone 50 times without getting answered!! I HAVE LOST SELF DIGNITY AND RESPECT!

...and again she was rewarded for being a complete assh0le.

 

What ever I can do to help will give me the courage to get rid of this toxic relationship.

If you aren't ready to end the relationship, you can change the patterns more than you realize, simply by changing YOUR actions and reactions in the relationship.

 

You need to learn to set boundaries and rules for yourself. Such as:

- I will not be called names or cursed at. If she does either, you immediately hang up the phone or walk out of the room. This is a boundary you will have to share with her, then enforce it 100% of the time until she stops that behavior.

- Her issue does not have to be my issue. If she's upset about something, you can listen, but you are not compelled to solve her problem. So if she says "I am having a hard time!" you can say "I'm sorry you are having a hard time." - and then DROP IT. You don't need to solve her hard time for her.

- I do not have to defend myself against her attacks. If she accuses you of something crazy, you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I understand what you are saying" rather than escalating the argument by trying to make sense out of nonsense.

- Her reality does not have to be my reality. Just because she says something doesn't mean it is true. And again - it isn't your job to convince her that it isn't true.

- Reward positive behavior. Do not reward negative behavior. When she is kind and loving, be kind and loving. When she goes off the deep end, detach emotionally and become Mr. Spock - all logic and no emotion. Do not react emotionally to her ranting and manipulation.

- Always be true to yourself. Do not allow her to prevent you from seeing friends, family, and having time to yourself.

 

If you do all this, she will change her behavior - or at least she will be going nutso by herself, because you won't be involved in it.

 

Dr. Phil says "you teach people how to treat you", so now it is time to teach her a new way to treat you. It takes strength and consistency.

 

Good luck!

[me85]

Michellinda...are our exes the same person??? Seriously. It's scary how similar our stories are. I was abused physically, emotionally and verbally. It is going to take a lot of healing after all the emotional damage my ex caused. I'm so scared for the next guy who falls in love with me. What if I'm still not fully healed? Will I have anything left to give any one else after this?? These thoughts consume me completely but you know what?...

 

Our exes aren't the last people we are ever going to love. & one day we will be loved far better than our ex ever loved us. BELIEVE THAT.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Michellinda, sounds like your ex and mine were cut from the same cloth. HUGE egos, anger issues... What I've learned from my past relationship is to not ignore red flags and to never compromise myself for anyone. Before my ex, I never let anyone, especially a man, disrespect me. I was known among those who knew me for standing up for myself and my beliefs with passion. I never let anyone walk on me and I guarded myself..maybe too much.

 

With my ex, I decided to try something different hoping the relationship would go somewhere. I decided to put my guard down and be vulnerable for once in my life. I decided to soften my stance during arguments and become more agreeable. Unfortunately I gave up too much and started to change who I was. Even though I knew I was changing, that I was unhappy, that this man wasn't right for me, I still tried desperately to hold on and make it work. What I didn't see was that this man was not worth holding on to...

 

At the end of the relationship I was left anxiety-ridden, sad and broken down and I take 100% blame in allowing myself to get that low. I had every right and opportunity to walk away.

 

It's been 3 months post BU for me and I'm healing. I'm past the grieving, anger and sadness and am now focusing on understanding what happened so that I never allow myself to be in such a weak and powerless position again. I realize that I am my own source of love and happiness. If you love yourself, you will choose to be happy. You will choose to stand up or walk away from those who try to bring you down in any way.

 

Love is about being vulnerable and open but true love will never beat you down and leave you feeling weaker.

 

I am so thankful for all you LS posters...I hope my words help others as well.

 

(BIG HUGS)