Stuck--input needed.

[Trapp-er]

This is long but I need some input here. Thanks in advance for reading.

 

My ex and I dated for about 1 year and are broken up just over four months (we knew each other for about a year before that but timing on both parts was bad). It was very serious very fast—holidays together with her family, etc. She’s divorced and has a kid. I love them both, and they loved me. As time went on, however, we started fighting and having issues, as if once the honey moon phase ended it became a power struggle. I tried hard to be flexible and to compromise, but it felt one sided. Our fights seemed always to revolve around her not being willing to meet me in the middle, but expecting me to do all the work in the relationship.

 

She broke up with me stating that her issues were getting in our way; that she wasn’t happy with herself; that she didn’t think she deserved to be happy and she didn’t want to do the work to get happy; and that she didn’t deserve me. We left things that we’d talk more about things soon and she invited me to spend the night. I declined the invitation as I had to get up very early for a work trip.

 

Several days later I reached out to talk to set up a time to talk about stuff and she became very hostile. I didn’t take the bait, diffused the situation, and she apologized. The next day I retrieved all my things and dropped off hers while she was at work, sent her a farewell text and that was it.

 

One month later she texted me a “hi how are you” type message after passing me on the road. I didn’t respond immediately and hours later she sent a more aggressive message about not talking to her, that she wanted to talk to me about her kid, etc. When I responded she really had nothing emergent to say and the conversation ended. Several days later she created an online dating profile.

 

Six weeks later she sends me another message after apparently seeing me on the road (I didn’t see her and her car sticks out to me like, well like an ex’s car does)—essentially another “Hi, I saw you on the road.” She didn’t ask any questions and I ignored it.

 

Other than looking at her Facebook profile a couple times since we split, I’ve not contacted her. I actually did not use Facebook for 3 months and only did look at her profile afterwards, but realized that nothing good emotionally comes out of my checking up on her. I hid all her and her friend’s posts. One of my friends did remark that since I’ve been back on FB that the frequency of her posts has doubled and that she’s portraying herself to be a saint—lots of inspirational quotes, pics of her kid, and pics of her wearing jewelry I gave her for Christmas last year. That friend suspects my ex is trying to get my attention by posting things she knows I would be drawn to—fishing for my attention?

 

I don’t know if we will ever get back together, but I believe that the relationship we had was not sustainably healthy and that if we did begin again it would have to be a fresh start/new relationship. I’m not there yet as I’m still working through some of my grief, but I do think we could be great if we were both willing to show up in the relationship.

 

As much as I think I'm doing everything I can right, I still feel stuck some days, like I can’t let go and move on. I’m doing all the right things and I’m not trying to have false hope, but it’s tough not to think what if. I understand why the relationship was like it was, I'm starting to understand my role in it and all that, I understand what I need to change and I’m working on that for me and for my long term happiness.

 

Because I’m feeling stuck, some friends have suggested I contact my ex to get together for coffee or a drink and that I’ll be able to guage what’s going on by her response, tone, and if we get together, by her demeanor. I do love this woman, but our relationship wasn’t progressing well or seemed stalled. I’ve tried not to read into any of her action/nonactions and to stick to remaining silent until she contacts me with something substantive or at least something more than just "Hi." I believe, like many here, that if she truly wants me back she will tell me quite clearly. I worry that for her this is all a game and that by contacting her she wins and all this pain of working through the breakup is for nothing—that any benefit of self reflection/introspection/identifying issues that she might gain from my silence will be lost. In otherwords, that by contacting her that I’m sending the message that it’s okay to treat me/others the way she did and that I’ll always come back for more.

 

What do you all think?

[deathandtaxes]

Move on. Forget about her. It didn't work for a reason. Count your lucky stars. Why do you think it's going to work NOW?

 

 

Her texting you and fishing for a response is what seems like an attempt to make her self feel better. It's not about you. You can't start over with a fresh relationship. You have too much history together.

[Trapp-er]

Thanks for the response D&T.

 

Re "Why do you think it's going to work NOW?"

 

I guess I don't think it's going to work now. I think that's my point. I think it's too soon for a new relationship considering I'm still stuck on the old one. But there were good things about the old one as well. Our issues never seemed like they were that insurmountable to me if we were both willing to make the effort. In the end, she just wasn't willing, but now seems to be fishing. At least that's what it seems like. Maybe I'm 100% wrong.

[thora-tiki]

Happy Christmas, Trapp-er!

 

Your old failed relationship had its issues.

 

The purpose of no contact is to get you back.

How?

Focus on you.

 

During no contact work on getting back to being the confident you you were

before the ex turned you into a poster child for insecurity.

 

That is what I mean when I say personal evolution.

 

Dwelling on what she is thinking or doing is making it that much harder for you to get there/get your life back.

The more you worry about getting your ex back, the longer you will keep yourself trapped, hah, and in pain.

You have to let go of the past, and walk towards the future.

You have to drop off her radar, with no contact, to stimulate her curiosity about what is going on with you.

Difficult as it is, that's is the best way.

Get back to being fine on your own, become a better, more confident person, and then decide what to do.

 

I am really strong about no contact because I really do believe that if a relationship is not working

then just because you love someone and want it to work, doesn't make it so.

People have to address the issue of why it is not working, and focusing on yourself is one way to do this.

No contact is not easy for you at the moment, since she is texting you, and I think, for you, and for your ex,

contacting each other has become a habit.

 

Having her in your life/She having you in her life has been a habit, talking to her has been a habit and

not always a good one - otherwise you would not have broken up.

 

You are breaking this old habit by putting something more healthy in its place.

And doing no contact is a great first step.

From now on you are not talking to, texting back, reading texts, etc. from the ex.

Why?

Well, you still love her loads, but you love yourself more!

 

You have given her time a plenty,

now you are giving it, the time, to yourself.

 

By not thinking about her - you are putting other more positive thoughts in your head right now.

Then fill your heart and mind with positivity.

This will not only make you feel better, but it will attract more positive things into your life.

 

If your ex coming back really is a positive thing - it will happen.

That I am 100% sure of.

 

Also wanted to share this:

This is the plan, just shortened, by someone on how to kick loves ass:

 

«- The no contact time - use this time to look after yourself, to grow, to explore, to nurture,

to love, to do things you haven't done, but always wished you have.

 

After no contact time, comes reconnect time.

 

- The reconnect time -

If the ex doesn't say yes (to a short get together) - wait a couple of weeks and then ask again.

 

- 1/2 hour first meeting, light and happy, look stunning and light and lovely.

Don't plan another meeting, unless the ex asks and keep it all light «yes sounds great», «oh, yes maybe».

 

- Each next meeting should be the same tone as the first.

It is exactly like dating again in a new relationship.

 

Keep yourself looking lovely at all times, light and happy.

 

You are doing exceptionally well as an independent person and let it show by maintaining your self value and happiness - all by yourself.

 

- TAKE IT SLOW - each meeting is not to be rushed with ideas of getting back together instantly, unless your ex initiates it.

And, even then, I would recommend to say «yes - but let's take things slowly»

 

Voilà - le plan.»