? Space right before Xmas.

[Trace79]

I could really use some help here I was googling advice yesterday and how to handle the space my girlfriend wants and came across this forum. I want to share my story because I think that my relationship may be salvageable...[being optimistic I know.]

Here are the details: We have been dating for a few months and are very in to each other. The two of us are very different people from the norm of society when it comes to ourselves and also what we are looking for in a potential partner. I have not been in a serious relationship for years because I was looking for something very specific in which I found in her and vice versa. She found me on the dating website we were using. At first, the emails were sporadic but after a month they became more often and eventually - once we started chatting and skyping - we were in constant communication everyday...every minute of the day unless we were sleeping really. Thing is though, we have not met in person yet as I am deployed in the middle east [i have about 5 more months to go.] We both looked at it as we were just getting to know each other without being physical yet...kind of like old school courting.

Anyway, I was skeptical at first because I was wondering if we would be able to sustain that level of excitement and interest in each other for the rest of my deployment. I let my guard down and about two months ago she had begun to fall in love with me and I soon followed. We both think that we would have NEVER found such a perfect match because we are both very different people from the norm. We got excited and began thinking about our future. I know this was rushed and I should have known better but it was so hard to put the brakes on when everything felt so right and we both felt we finally met that person we thought could have never existed.

So now I am in a situation where we got in to a disagreement - I wouldn't call it a fight, but I upset her none the less - she is very sensitive - and even though she said she knows it wasn't my fault and she still feels the same about me, her reciprocating affection has diminished and I mentioned that I noticed about two days later. It wasn't much but her level of affection slowed down a bit. She still said I love you and talked about living together but it was a minor change...I shouldn't have said anything I know. I know I came across as insecure.

When I mentioned this last night is when she asked for space because she thinks we moved too fast and she can't give that level of support right now because she has some health issues that she is really trying to focus on right now. She wasn't thinking about space until I mentioned what I noticed and asked if everything was okay...she said that that is when she felt too pressured at the moment and needed to focus on her for a bit. I responded to this by saying that I agree, I need some space too but also told her that I love her and will be here if she needs someone to talk to about anything she is going through - she doesn't really have anyone else that understands her specific and different situation - think "spiritual" and extra dimensional stuff to give an understanding how complex the health issues are. She said thank you, she loves me too and I can message her whenever I want.

After reading through some of the other stories I know NC rule is in affect, and I know what went wrong in the relationship...my worry in the beginning about not being able to sustain that level of talking for 12-15 hours a day finally diminished and I did get a little too emotional too fast...we both did.

 

But is my situation a little different? I know Christmas is a few days away and she has a bunch of presents under her tree from me - we agreed to be on skype to open them in front of each other [i'm still waiting on hers in the mail but probably won't get them in time.] I want her to know that I care still and don't want to seem cold by not saying anything on xmas. I also am hoping that the presents won't make her feel more pressured as I did spend a bit of coin on them...[a Wii U and a bunch of games plus some smaller stuff.] Should I ask her not to open them until she's ready to skype or just not say anything at all and if she wishes me a merry Christmas then that is when I respond briefly? I wish I could tell her that I know we need to slow down so that we both don't put too much pressure on the relationship so it will last and work when I get back. I feel if she doesn't know that I feel this way I may have a chance of losing her by her thinking I am not on her level. Is it too early/too late to send an email saying that I know that this is best for the relationship and I support the space she needs to feel less pressured and my space to get my head back in the game?

 

Btw, I know there isn't anyone else as we literally spent every waking moment in constant communication. Plus, she still lives at home with parents, doesn't ever go out, doesn't drink or party, doesn't even drive because of her health issues. Her best friends are both internet friends she has never met in person living in different countries...she practically lives in her room. She also says she can't wait to get out of her parents control and have a life with me.

 

Sorry for the long read, but I felt detail was important and it also helped me vent. This girl means the world to me and she has told me so many times that I am on a completely different dimension from anyone she has ever met or dated. I have gone a long time looking for the right one and I feel that this one is it. What do I do?

Edited December 19, 2013 by Trace79

[Trace79]

I feel that this might be an accurate article describing my situation. Is the advice in here worth following asking for definitions in the relationship concerning her space?

 

Just Because Someone Says They Need Space Doesn't Always Mean The Relationship Is Over

[Trapito]

The article is right, though very sarcastical. As I told you in your other thread, both women AND men need alone-time. Time to unwind, time to reconnect with friends and family.

 

You don't NEED to talk 12-15 hours a day. Make time to mis eachother.

 

My advice? Back away, back faaaaar away. No, you don't NEED to send her a text to tell her you won't pressure her. You already told her you will not pressure her, no need to repeat this. Repeating your statement IS putting pressure on her, it is NOT backing away.

 

If she wants to talk to you, she will come to you. No need to push. Just leave her be. IF she contacts you, then just be cool, calm and collected. No need to be an asshat, but don't bombard her with messages and ILY's either. Don't think or mention about moving in together.

 

If you said someting to offend her, tell her you're sorry. Be genuine. I asume you already did this, no need to do it again. Just let het cool down.

 

In the meantime, start healing. Do things for you. Go out.

 

I feel for you, you seem like a nice person. Good luck, be strong.

Edited December 20, 2013 by Trapito

[legion113]

I think this woman likes living the fantasy of internet romances and relationships. I don't think she is capable of having a real life relationship, and nothing you have written shows otherwise. Maybe she's getting cold feet because your deployment is ending. If she was really in love with you, and has never met you in person, I just can't see how she can't wait to meet you in the flesh?!?!?! How can you slow down when all you really have is internet banter? That's not really a relationship.

[Trapito]

I think this woman likes living the fantasy of internet romances and relationships. I don't think she is capable of having a real life relationship, and nothing you have written shows otherwise. Maybe she's getting cold feet because your deployment is ending. If she was really in love with you, and has never met you in person, I just can't see how she can't wait to meet you in the flesh?!?!?! How can you slow down when all you really have is internet banter? That's not really a relationship.

 

Legion might have a point here..

[Trace79]

I think this woman likes living the fantasy of internet romances and relationships. I don't think she is capable of having a real life relationship, and nothing you have written shows otherwise. Maybe she's getting cold feet because your deployment is ending. If she was really in love with you, and has never met you in person, I just can't see how she can't wait to meet you in the flesh?!?!?! How can you slow down when all you really have is internet banter? That's not really a relationship.

 

Thanks for the support all.

 

I appreciate your input but just don't see that with this girl. She was engaged before with a real-life boyfriend for over two years before he left for the military and became distant and she left him. She is now going through a divorce with a guy who also deployed and started asking for sexual requests that were against her nature. BTW, this is HUGE with her because she is an incredibly beautiful girl and all men see her that way which she hates. And this is also where we had our first disagreement. She wasn't comfortable with me watching pornography and so I asked if she would help me supplement that. At first she said she would and sent me lingerie pics and talked to me on skype. But where I messed up was I asked her to be a bit more verbal and detailed which put her off big time. She told me before not to worry in asking her for things in a sexual nature because I'm different...but when I did it made her feel a new level of discomfort and she pulled back. It was two days after this that I mentioned her not being as affectionate which she then replied by wanting space.

 

This girl has lived much of her life in her room due to illness, not out of will. She does do martial arts several times a week and does get out some, and like mentioned, has had relationships outside the internet.

 

She has mentioned a few times that I bring up problems that "might" happen instead of just going with the flow. I will admit that I have done that a few times which showed insecurity on my part. She is tired of this I know. But in wanting to know if there was something going on because I noticed her behavior change, I did more damage . I really think she is just tired and pressured from me because things went way too fast and she didn't want to have a repeat of the guy she is divorcing now because he rushed things.

Edited December 20, 2013 by Trace79

[Trapito]

Loving the soldierboys..

 

You mentioned the lack of human contact and you watch porn. She agreed to help you out, and she does.. But when you ask her to spice it up verbally, she shuts down.

 

What did you ask her to say?

[Trace79]

Loving the soldierboys..

 

You mentioned the lack of human contact and you watch porn. She agreed to help you out, and she does.. But when you ask her to spice it up verbally, she shuts down.

 

What did you ask her to say?

 

Haha, yeah...she isn't really attracted to us soldiers and in fact does not agree with our line of work but then neither do I lol. Anyway, that's just how the dice has rolled for her it seems.

 

What I said wasn't anything raunchy or bad...it was just asking for more 'detail' in when we were having sexual talks about how she would give say, blowjobs, or how she would move her hips. I think I might have made her feel bad by saying that her descriptions were very "vague." I could tell that when we did talk like this she wasn't very experienced and she knows I am. However, she also recently told me that she looked up how she feels and said there is a term for it called "Demisexual," which means no sexual feelings unless in presence of someone that she has strong emotional ties with. Anything other than that and she doesn't have any sexual urges at all...not even to masturbate. I don't know if that is common with women though :/

[Trapito]

Hmm.. I'm not saying she is or she isn't a demisexual.

 

Your request for the 'dirty talk' is not weird. If she didn't want to do it, she didn't have to.

 

Well apparantly this made you the bad guy, but instead of saying something, she choose to not tell you anything but just act a little less nice. When you ask about the change you notice (God forbid), you again become the bad guy.

 

If she didn't want to rush, she was there. She could and should have said someting to take a little step back if she wanted things to slow down a little

 

The brighter the flame, the faster the fizzle.

 

Back faaaaar away from her. She wants space? Give it to her, give her lots of space.

Edited December 20, 2013 by Trapito

[Trace79]

Well she sent me a message yesterday...

"How are you? I hope you've been well during our little break. I've taken the time to get a few things done and spent time with my friends."

 

I replied about an hour later...

"Hey, I'm doing really well actually. I was able to see some things about myself that I wasn't able to see before. Wouldn't have been able to notice the problem without the break so I'm glad you called it when you did. Don't need to go in to detail now as I'm only scratching the surface in what I'm studying and still looking within. I've been proactive to say the least . It's good to hear from you too. Glad you're doing well."

 

got a message back from her...

"Well that seems like a good progress report lol. Sorry I just now got your messages. I'm really glad you've been well."

 

That's it. I didn't reply back after that. The messaging is on skype and messages can come in hours later unless both parties are sending messages to each other back and forth so there can be extreme lag at times. This gives me a good reason to not message back and also not seem like I'm playing hard to get as she knows this about skype. I think my message back sounded a little too eager to let her know that I recognized the problem [which I did,] but I felt it was important for her to know I was being proactive and not moping so that she wouldn't feel that if she came back, she was going to come back to the same insecure, less than masculine boy that was dependent on her emotional output for his happiness.

 

Well, at lest she messaged back. It sounds like things are still salvageable so I need to make sure I allow her to come back to me and from now on, and what she sees is a strong man that will establish that masculine role again that makes her feel like a woman.

 

...sure as hell don't want to fall in to the friend zone either.

Edited December 21, 2013 by Trace79

[Trapito]

You already told her you are sorry, either she accepts the apologie or she doesn't. No need to bend over backwards and say you are sorry again. Don't be a doormat, stop blaming yourself. What's done is done.

 

Also the: "How are you doing since our little break?" is demeaning. She knew you didn't want a break. Of course you are NOT fine, dandy and ok. Glad you told her you were fine though, you didn't sulk. But you gave her power and an ego boost by blaming yourself. She told you she had some things done and hung out with friends. You told her you worked on yourself. Why? You didn't need to. You put all the blame on you and gave her a free pass to do it to (which she did).

 

You seem really nice, heck, I would date you. Don't let someone walk all over you.

[Trace79]

You already told her you are sorry, either she accepts the apologie or she doesn't. No need to bend over backwards and say you are sorry again. Don't be a doormat, stop blaming yourself. What's done is done.

 

Also the: "How are you doing since our little break?" is demeaning. She knew you didn't want a break. Of course you are NOT fine, dandy and ok. Glad you told her you were fine though, you didn't sulk. But you gave her power and an ego boost by blaming yourself. She told you she had some things done and hung out with friends. You told her you worked on yourself. Why? You didn't need to. You put all the blame on you and gave her a free pass to do it to (which she did).

 

You seem really nice, heck, I would date you. Don't let someone walk all over you.

 

Thank you. I think you are right about some things you said here. However, I did tell her that I wanted some space too. I never told her I didn't want that. And I wasn't apologizing. I may not be "fine and dandy" but I'm also not sulking. I've been educating myself a lot and taking back my own personal power so I'm not feeding off of hers. The truth is, she was right. I don't think she knew the dynamics of how but I can see how my insecure behavior was a turn off for her. Any man that 'needs' his woman's affection to be happy is needy and not confident in himself. This is what I began to show her. No woman wants a needy guy because then SHE has to be the man in the relationship. SHE has to comfort him and that simply is not attractive. This is what I started to do and it turned her off. It took her energy and forced her to fill that dominant male role when she has other things going on in her mind. Woman like men to be men and not emotional needy doormats. By no means am I going to seek her approval or undermine myself to her anymore. When the love is there it will be, and I believe that going back to that masculine/feminine balance [which we had in the beginning,] will put things back in harmony.

I really don't see this person as someone who likes to walk on people...I've been with a few that are like that and if I notice the behavior I'll split.

 

What am I supposed to do here then? I mean, the goal here is to keep this going and have her fall madly in love with me because I do not think this person is power hungry or abusive. I don't want to just ignore her. I think that would be childish. Nor do I want to play games. I honestly know we haven't done that from day one of us talking...we were so upfront and honest about our feelings and that is why it skyrocketted so fast. If my behavior changed a bit, which it did, and I became draining and she felt pressure out of my insecurity and neediness, then it seems viable that she would draw back and need some space away...especially if she has health issues going on. Not trying to make excuses here but that's how I see it.

 

Thank you for the feedback. It is always good to get another persons perspective on things.

Edited December 21, 2013 by Trace79

[Trapito]

I didn't say you sulked, I said I'm glad you DIDN'T sulk. I also noticed that you said you agreed with taking a break. I assume you did this to not come of as a weak person (you did the right thing). But.. Whenever I tell someone I need space or something like that, I KNOW it will hurt their feelings. She know it hurts your feelings when she asked for space (even if it is validated, which I'm not saying it is). Asking for space is like a little rejection to the receiving party, it's a blow to the ego.

 

Someone walking over you can be obvious, and it can be not so obvious.

 

She is divorcing someone who rushed her. She didn't take time to heal from her marriage (which isn't even final), she went on to find someone else.

 

I am not here to put you down. I feel very sorry you are hurting.

 

It is not fair she is saying you two rushed, when there are two people in a relationship. She could have talked to you, instead of withdrawing.

 

I understand you don't want to play games, but I guess you also don't like to be played. What would you tell a friend who came for your help with the situation you're dealing with right now. You need to think with your head and not with your heart.

Edited December 21, 2013 by Trapito

[innocentbutterfly]

THIS. I just had to reply. Are you sure you aren't describing me in that girl? Haha kidding, but I got all these traits and I was in a LDR too that ended a month ago and until yesterday I still tried to get him back to no avail.

 

Long story short.

 

We started same way as you two did, 2 years ago, I love you's and spending lots of time talking, every day. Not as much as you two, but anyway. it was all perfect until a year in when we started talking to meet in person. He was never decided and independent and somehow threw that on me. I came there and after we met, he wanted to end it the night I left because of not being sure how to endure this separation and seeing each other only every few months. fastforward 3 months Then other issue came, he was all cold already since 1st day I came back home and BAM! found something from my past to break up over and I found out stuff about him I never knew before.

 

I'm just saying, step back, don't norture this love (IT ISN'T CONNFIRMED LOVE UNTIL YOU MEET, TRUST ME) to the point where you will be like me, all madly in love then thrown on solid ground when reality happens. Nothing is as it seems online. NOTHING. I'm a living proof of that and I paid for it hard. Dont have a relationship until you meet and are sure. That's my advice to you as I saw your other thread where you said you got her back.

Edited December 26, 2013 by innocentbutterfly

[innocentbutterfly]

BTW, out fights started like this because of our differences too. A month into relationship. They only escalated. Every 2 weeks. Making up, saying sorry. Until he was already so tired of it and I too hurt. And I was like you, insecure and too dependent, he became my daily routine, so bad it got. Differences aren't always a good thing. It's what separated us when I thought it's the best thing and nothing can break us and yes we too talked marriage, kids and forever and all that bull**** - it's all a FANTASY online, remember that. Right now it seems like nothing, but thats already some red alert there. Be careful. I was blind and thinking with my heart too and he always kept me at arm's lenghth and I ended deep and hard on solid ground with my heart broken like never before.

Edited December 26, 2013 by innocentbutterfly

[lostsoul4286]

BTW, out fights started like this because of our differences too. A month into relationship. They only escalated. Every 2 weeks. Making up, saying sorry. Until he was already so tired of it and I too hurt. And I was like you, insecure and too dependent, he became my daily routine, so bad it got. Differences aren't always a good thing. It's what separated us when I thought it's the best thing and nothing can break us and yes we too talked marriage, kids and forever and all that bull**** - it's all a FANTASY online, remember that. Right now it seems like nothing, but thats already some red alert there. Be careful. I was blind and thinking with my heart too and he always kept me at arm's lenghth and I ended deep and hard on solid ground with my heart broken like never before.

 

I had a similar issue. Met her in person and we hit it off, rushed, crashed and burned. We were too different.