Girlfriend of 5 years cheated

[realfriends]

Hi all,

This is my first post on here but I always come here on days where I need motivation or days in which I am feeling down. As you can tell by the title, my ex recently cheated on me.

 

To give a bit of background, me and my ex found each other in junior year of high school. We were both each others first real serious relationship and just seemed to click so well. Even back then, we had the same morals, same goals in life, and just generally were a great match. We ended up going to the same college together which was great. We never lived together but always got to see each other. As the years went on, and classes got more challenging and time consuming (chem major/math minor), I had less time than normal to see her and she was highly involved with the school and had less time to see me. We always spent fridays together as that was the one day we always could give to each other and we would always go out on a date. If we saw each other more during the week, it was always a blessing but we both understood the time constraints because we each saw the bigger picture in life. Im now a senior and planning on grad school which is another 6 year commitment. She is also planning on grad school however hers is only 2 years. I told he its best to do whats best for each other and go to what school is best for the individual. I knew how hard it would be and how nice it would be to go to the same grad school and live in the same house as her but I figured this was the best thing to do. Anyways, a few months later, I found out that she cheated on me. Although the cheating could be much worse than it was, I was absolutely devistated. It was someone she worked with and just killed me. No one would ever of saw this coming from her because she was such a sweet girl. Anyways, the reason she did it from what she told me is that she was feeling distant from me and doesnt know if I am the one. After 5 years, she doesnt know. Although I expect GIGS, im unsure. Anyways, I didnt handle the breakup as well as I would of liked to. Dropped 10 pounds in 2 days. Just mentally devastated. Had a hard time focusing on school work and a job and research. Just completely felt like I was knocked to my knees and couldnt get back up. I slightly begged for the first couple of days saying I know we can fix this and that things could be better. Eventually after about 2 weeks of very minimal contact, I am now in NC to heal. 30 days will be on the 22nd and have not heard a single word from her. I have blocked all social media due to the fact that whenever I checked it, it always just hurt me so much. Anyways christmas is coming up and she's spent the last few years with my family so I expect some breadcrumbs from her just as I received during Thanksgiving but dont plan on replying. Although I am feeling much better, I still wonder if shell ever talk to me again or if 5 years is just gone like that in a blink of an eye. Im scared that if she ever comes back, I wont be able to take her back because of how I feel she has handled this situation along with the affair. I know I cant break NC and theres literally no reason for me to but I get urges every now a then and am still finding it hard to believe. I come here for support from others who have experienced this and have lived to see the light at the end of the tunnel or those who are going through something similar.

 

Thank you all

[loveiswar101]

Buddy, sound terrible and glad you have opened up. I was married for 10 years and was cheated on in the end. At the time I was blown away and can understand where you are coming from after such a LTR. It's hard but time did heal me then, took a long time but eventually got there.

 

Never thought I could love again until now, after 15 months now my new girlfriend left me. I'm falling into a hole as I write this but I guess we have to as human being move on.

 

I visit this site every few days, don't know why but I guess for reassurance to move on. Some people here seem to of healed and happy to give advice about NC, but like me and maybe you it's hard to just MOVE ON as they say when you have a huge emotionally connection to someone.

 

I guess we must and take each minute, day, week, month and year as it comes.

 

In your case I did see the light at the end of my first LTR. You can too. Back then it was friends and family that got me through. Hopefully you have some to lean on now.

 

Best wishes..

[aliveagain]

No contact, no contact, no contact. Read up on the 180, follow it to a "T" and did I say "NO CONTACT?"

[Omei]

Never break contact!

Fill Christmas with your friends and family as much as possible hell even ask to sleep over if you need to tell them how you feel be invovled as much as possible since shes always spent it with your family im guessing you have the supportive type of family keep busy.

[Iguanna]

Am I the only one who thinks here that this man needs some closure to move on? You people here in LS say NC is the solution, but if you don't know why you broke up with someone, why they cheated, what were your mistakes, what you did wrong, what was expected from you and you didn't do, how can you get better and move on? If I were this guy, I would be full of questions and the more I wouldn't get any replies, the more frustrated and hurt I would be. I'm not saying he should take her back but a conversation about the relationship, the cheating and the future I think is necessary. Only when you have the answers can you work on them, figure out why and how everything happened and decide it's time to move on.

[cavalier99]

Am I the only one who thinks here that this man needs some closure to move on? You people here in LS say NC is the solution, but if you don't know why you broke up with someone, why they cheated, what were your mistakes, what you did wrong, what was expected from you and you didn't do, how can you get better and move on? If I were this guy, I would be full of questions and the more I wouldn't get any replies, the more frustrated and hurt I would be. I'm not saying he should take her back but a conversation about the relationship, the cheating and the future I think is necessary. Only when you have the answers can you work on them, figure out why and how everything happened and decide it's time to move on.

 

Huh? Horrible advise. She already told him. End of story. What closure?. This is a myth. The only thing he need to work on is getting better. Not spinning his wheels on useless questions. Cav

[Harradin]

Am I the only one who thinks here that this man needs some closure to move on? You people here in LS say NC is the solution, but if you don't know why you broke up with someone, why they cheated, what were your mistakes, what you did wrong, what was expected from you and you didn't do, how can you get better and move on? If I were this guy, I would be full of questions and the more I wouldn't get any replies, the more frustrated and hurt I would be. I'm not saying he should take her back but a conversation about the relationship, the cheating and the future I think is necessary. Only when you have the answers can you work on them, figure out why and how everything happened and decide it's time to move on.

 

I think it was TaraMaiden who had a quote on closure, can't remember it exactly but closure does come from within. You figure out what you did wrong/why it didn't work in time.

[Iguanna]

Huh? Horrible advise. She already told him. End of story. What closure?. This is a myth. The only thing he need to work on is getting better. Not spinning his wheels on useless questions. Cav

 

Well you say terrible advise but this is what only works for me. If I don't know why something happened and justify it, I can't move on, let alone get better. The questions I asked are not useless cause these are the ones that will help me understand my mistakes and not do them again in the next relationship. Cause the goal here is not only that he gets over her only, but that he becomes better in the next relationship and not repeat the same mistakes.

[cavalier99]

Well you say terrible advise but this is what only works for me. If I don't know why something happened and justify it, I can't move on, let alone get better. The questions I asked are not useless cause these are the ones that will help me understand my mistakes and not do them again in the next relationship. Cause the goal here is not only that he gets over her only, but that he becomes better in the next relationship and not repeat the same mistakes.

 

I understand your point but i just dont agree. What is he supposed to do ..stalk her until she answers his questions or get locked up? They already had a conversation. She probably doesnt even know precisley why she cheated ecetera.

 

Also any answers wont really help him. Im already pretty sure he has an idea why it did or didnt work. The only thing contact will acomplish is shatterieng him even worse than he is now..

 

Answers are meaningless. He can reflect in his own time.

[justadudehere]

I understand your point but i just dont agree. What is he supposed to do ..stalk her until she answers his questions or get locked up? They already had a conversation. She probably doesnt even know precisley why she cheated ecetera.

 

Also any answers wont really help him. Im already pretty sure he has an idea why it did or didnt work. The only thing contact will acomplish is shatterieng him even worse than he is now..

 

Answers are meaningless. He can reflect in his own time.

 

I agree 100%. When I went through my divorce it was horrible, the lies the deceit. All I really wanted was the truth. Did I ever get it? NO. The truth is that people who cheat will rarely come clean or give you any reason that makes sense to you. Here it is almost 8 years later and I couldn't care less about what her excuses were. I recognized my part in the failed relationship. I just wished I wouldve taken my time before jumping into the toxic relationship that has me on this board now.

Edited December 21, 2013 by justadudehere

[aliveagain]

Well you say terrible advise but this is what only works for me. If I don't know why something happened and justify it, I can't move on, let alone get better. The questions I asked are not useless cause these are the ones that will help me understand my mistakes and not do them again in the next relationship. Cause the goal here is not only that he gets over her only, but that he becomes better in the next relationship and not repeat the same mistakes.

 

Sometimes you never have a choice, my ex never confessed to her 2 year affair, she even had O/M's child and had me believing he was mine. Cut the cancer from your life and don't give them a chance to hurt you again. She already showed him who she is, believe her and start your healing.

[realfriends]

Hey all,

 

Thank you all so much for the response. It was really heart warming to see this community comment on my topic and really means a lot.

 

A few things I should probably fill in, I had during the first two weeks of the relationship being over met with her. Before I actually found out, she started arguing with me over nothing which was very unusual of her which led me to check her social media and discover the affair. Anyways, before I found out, I told her how I realized I really needed to work on actively talking much more to her but have realized since that she needed to as well. I have gone to counseling for a bit at my school and have tried looking back at all the goods and the bads of the relationship.

 

There were so many goods but there were bads that we had discussed about but didnt get solved completely. Anyways its so hard for me to stay in NC after all this time, esp since im currently away from my friends from school and back home. I know there is no reason as to why I should break it. She told me she still loves me, still cares for me always will but just didnt want to always be wondering to herself if I am the one when she is 40. Im glad if anything it happened now, although it is rough. They say, if you never break, youll never know how to put yourself back together. I am slowly but surely doing that. Although I still feel like there is no closure, I dont expect there to be really.I know that I MUST move on and once I have, maybe there is a chance we can start fresh, although it will be very challenging.

 

Going off on another bit of a rant, with Christmas right around the corner, and with my 30 days of no contact coming on the 22nd, I figure she will contact me as she did during Thanksgiving. Although some call it breadcrumbs, I dont see much point in me responding to them, although they are personal, they dont deal with the relationship and therefore dont deal with what I want to talk about. With Christmas right around the corner, I still havnt fully committed to responding IF she texts me or not. I have put together a bit of pro and cons to the situation to help me asses the situation and maybe you guys could help me with this.

 

Pro of not responding: Not only do I feel more control in power, but I dont go back to square one and can continue to heal

 

Con of not responding: Maybe its her way of reaching out, and maybe I miss it

 

Pro of responding: Its possible that maybe, it allows her to know that I'm not ignoring her, im just healing but am allowing the door to be open for her to talk to me

 

Con of responding: Expecting something from nothing.

 

 

 

Im very sorry about babbling and ranting. I could literally write about this all day and night. 5 years is a long time and for it to just be gone in a blink of an eye is still hard to fathom.

[realfriends]

Also, as being new on here, I didnt seem to get any notifications as to the fact that I got responses on this thread. I imagined I would of gotten an email response or something notifying me that I got a response. I came across this thread and saw there was 10 responses on it. Is there a way to receive notifications that I am missing. Thank you all once again

[cavalier99]

Dude there are no positives to breaking NC if she reaches out during Christmas. NONE.

 

You will be letting her off the hook. Remember..She CHEATED and tore your heart into tiny pieces and would dare to send you some pidly bread crumb?? Dont dare respond. Huge setback if you do to NC and your self esteem.

 

Stay strong bro. ps i just check any threads i start to see if there are responses. Rock on! Cav

[Iguanna]

Also, as being new on here, I didnt seem to get any notifications as to the fact that I got responses on this thread. I imagined I would of gotten an email response or something notifying me that I got a response. I came across this thread and saw there was 10 responses on it. Is there a way to receive notifications that I am missing. Thank you all once again

 

Go to your profile, edit options, Default Thread Subscription Mode, you can choose to have notifications when someone posts on subscribed threads through e-mail.

 

For what you said "Con of not responding: Maybe its her way of reaching out, and maybe I miss it": if she wants to find you to work things out, she will find you. No need to be on Christmas day and only wishes etc. She will be really clear and say "I want to talk to you about our break up".

[realfriends]

That is true. Im leaning back towards NC because of all you guys. No reason at all to break it. Thank you so much all.

[realfriends]

She made it easy for me and gave me a very generic response that wasnt personalized like her one from Thanksgiving. I had no desire to write back and instantly deleted it. Although it set me back for a minute and probably would of preferred if she just sent me nothing instead, it didnt ruin my christmas.

 

Merry Christmas everyone!

[billyjotomas]

No contact, no contact, no contact. Read up on the 180, follow it to a "T" and did I say "NO CONTACT?"

 

 

this is the hardest thing ever lol.....i fancy a physical beating instead lol BUT yeah no contact no contact

[billyjotomas]

Hey all,

 

Thank you all so much for the response. It was really heart warming to see this community comment on my topic and really means a lot.

 

A few things I should probably fill in, I had during the first two weeks of the relationship being over met with her. Before I actually found out, she started arguing with me over nothing which was very unusual of her which led me to check her social media and discover the affair. Anyways, before I found out, I told her how I realized I really needed to work on actively talking much more to her but have realized since that she needed to as well. I have gone to counseling for a bit at my school and have tried looking back at all the goods and the bads of the relationship.

 

There were so many goods but there were bads that we had discussed about but didnt get solved completely. Anyways its so hard for me to stay in NC after all this time, esp since im currently away from my friends from school and back home. I know there is no reason as to why I should break it. She told me she still loves me, still cares for me always will but just didnt want to always be wondering to herself if I am the one when she is 40. Im glad if anything it happened now, although it is rough. They say, if you never break, youll never know how to put yourself back together. I am slowly but surely doing that. Although I still feel like there is no closure, I dont expect there to be really.I know that I MUST move on and once I have, maybe there is a chance we can start fresh, although it will be very challenging.

 

Going off on another bit of a rant, with Christmas right around the corner, and with my 30 days of no contact coming on the 22nd, I figure she will contact me as she did during Thanksgiving. Although some call it breadcrumbs, I dont see much point in me responding to them, although they are personal, they dont deal with the relationship and therefore dont deal with what I want to talk about. With Christmas right around the corner, I still havnt fully committed to responding IF she texts me or not. I have put together a bit of pro and cons to the situation to help me asses the situation and maybe you guys could help me with this.

 

Pro of not responding: Not only do I feel more control in power, but I dont go back to square one and can continue to heal

 

Con of not responding: Maybe its her way of reaching out, and maybe I miss it

 

Pro of responding: Its possible that maybe, it allows her to know that I'm not ignoring her, im just healing but am allowing the door to be open for her to talk to me

 

Con of responding: Expecting something from nothing.

 

 

 

Im very sorry about babbling and ranting. I could literally write about this all day and night. 5 years is a long time and for it to just be gone in a blink of an eye is still hard to fathom.

 

 

Give more details how many tests or call has she given without you responding>

[billyjotomas]

Dude there are no positives to breaking NC if she reaches out during Christmas. NONE.

 

You will be letting her off the hook. Remember..She CHEATED and tore your heart into tiny pieces and would dare to send you some pidly bread crumb?? Dont dare respond. Huge setback if you do to NC and your self esteem.

 

Stay strong bro. ps i just check any threads i start to see if there are responses. Rock on! Cav

 

 

Cavs ****ing right dude, i didnt know she cheated **** that...in fact i need Cav to dissect my **** ( i posted it on forum)...why is it we can analyse other people problems better than our own?

 

In fact im going to say this girls and boys if anyone partner cheated on you or had affairs then why stay? So many dont cheat.

 

7 billion people on the planet now

[realfriends]

Give more details how many tests or call has she given without you responding>

 

Well we have met up about three times Post BU during the first month just because I literally got mind ****ed and 5 years was just gone like that but I felt like we could fix this because I know her so well and knew what we were capable of. Anyways within that month, I sent her two letters (last one told her I no longer have her address because I got rid of it after I sent the letter). We then had one final phone call where I said goodbye for good and was just dying. The next day however I sent her the last thing I sent which was just me trying to still figure everything out and not beg, but just tell her how hard this is and how much she has meant to me and how thankful I was for her over the years. Anyways she didnt do any responding until Thanksgiving where she texted me, in which I didnt respond and the next day she wrote back to my last email and said that she didnt know what the best thing to do was (meaning she think NC is probably best for both of us, which it is). Since Thanksgiving, I have heard nothing from her until today where she just sent a very generic christmas wish which I didnt respond to. Shes going on a trip in a day or two and I want to wish her a safe trip but theres no point. Im staying NC with her until she wants to talk about us.

[realfriends]

Not feeling so well out of nowhere. I cant watch the TV because shes there and it just brings butterflies to my stomach (still healing). Im with friends and not family for the first year on NYE so its a little weird. Just want to get over this.

At the end of the day, its just one more day im closer to being healed.

[smuggy95]

Stay strong friend, you will be glad you did later on. live for tomorrow.

[realfriends]

Well I'm nearing the 5 month mark of NC and just thought I would leave an update on the story.

 

So I have only heard from her once since Christmas and that was to congratulate me on my acceptance into school (one of my friends must of told her?). Anyways, since that time, what would of been our anniversary and her birthday have passed and I have remained NC. None of my friends have said a peep about her just as I have asked them not to and I believe this has helped me drastically.

 

My last semester is ending here in undergrad and I will have to see her for the first time during graduation as we walk. I hope not to bump into her or her family but I guess I should have a plan just incase I do.

 

I do remain slightly curious about her life, since I was such a big part of it but realize theres no use because now I'm just somebody that she used to know.

Im no longer apart of her life.

 

So what is my next steps into this healing process?

1)Forgive her (eternally)

 

Such any easy concept, so hard to actually do and actually mean it.

 

2) Date

 

Theres no rush and right now, I really dont mind being single. I actually laugh at my buddy sometimes because of how much I hear his girlfriend complain and I realize how I dont have to worry about that.

 

3) ?

 

Im not sure what else I need to do. I no longer hope. I no longer am angry. Im very close if not already nearing complete acceptance. I think Im doing very well.

 

 

I wish all that have gone through this or are going through this the best of luck. It took so much out of me for so long and was quite a battle. Something I wish to never have to go through again, but if it does happen, I will be more prepared next time. If anyone has questions about anything or any suggestions in what I could be doing better just let me know.