First relationship ended, thought I was getting better but now have gotten worse

[gem29]

Hiya

 

My ex split up with me about 4 weeks ago because he said things in his job were too stressful and he would never get to see me, especially as I was moving to the next city along from his. I thought we could have worked it out because I still commute to where he lives for work every day and would have been willing to travel to see him, however I respected that he was struggling with juggling his job and his social life and me.

 

One thing he really emphasised was that he wanted me in his life and one day in the future, things may change with his job. He also got very upset when he was breaking up with me and the day after his friend who I know said he'd seen him and he got upset then when he repeated what had happened.

Two days after we broke up, I went to my family home in London for about 3 weeks for Christmas. Initially I was very upset, but after a few days, even though it was still on my mind, I started to feel normal again and decided that I wanted him in my life, even as friends. I sent him a couole of casual texts over the holiday period (things like merry christmas) and he replied, but never initiated contact himself.

 

I came back to uni on Saturday and since then have started to really miss him again. On Sunday I text him asking if he'd want to grab a quick coffee one day in the next couple of weeks and I got no reply, which hurt. I decided I wanted closure, so I messaged him again emphasising that I meant as friends and that I meant it when I said I didnt want to cut him out of my life, but if not I'd leave him alone.

He responded very quickly saying he meant it but he jusr has a lot happening atm.

I didnt reply until yesterday when I asked him for some advice as I was very upset (although I didn't let on how upset) that i had made the wrong decision in moving to my current city. He was the one who initially pushed me to go as he knew a large part of me staying would have been because of him and he had signed a new contract at work saying they could move him to a different city at any time and he would have gone.

He replied to me and gave me some.advice which was basically just to power through, but didn't really seem like he particularly wanted to keep the conversation going.

 

I am terrified that he doesn't care about me anymore and I'm the one who's been left vulnerable.

Yesterday when I was really upset I wanted to get back together and was convinced that if I had stayed in his city, we would have still been together.

 

I talked to lots of people yesterday and had a massive cry and so today I can look at things a bit more logically. I know that me staying in his city wouldn't have necessarily worked out because his job would have always come first- he told me that himself and he said he wasn't in a position for a relationship.

So if he had left me and I had stayed, I would have been even more lonely than I am now.

And even though I cared about him, I knew he wasn't 'the one' and so the relationship would have ended eventually.

 

I guess my issue is now is it's still playing on my mind and I think I'm feeling worse because I'm having to deal with a move, a long commute and not sleeping on top of missing him and the relationship. I currently have too much time in my life to myself to just think about it and I feel sick all the time, so much so I'm not eating properly.

 

I feel like I still need closure. I feel like I need to meet up with him as friends, but have a really big discussion with all my questions answered so that I can move on and I actually do want him in my life because we did have such good times- even if we only meet up or message each other occasionally as friends. I just don't know how to go about that.

 

Any advice would be amazing or any stories where people have broken up when you still like each other, but life has gotten in the way.

 

Thank you

[David87]

Hiya

 

My ex split up with me about 4 weeks ago because he said things in his job were too stressful and he would never get to see me, especially as I was moving to the next city along from his. I thought we could have worked it out because I still commute to where he lives for work every day and would have been willing to travel to see him, however I respected that he was struggling with juggling his job and his social life and me.

 

One thing he really emphasised was that he wanted me in his life and one day in the future, things may change with his job. He also got very upset when he was breaking up with me and the day after his friend who I know said he'd seen him and he got upset then when he repeated what had happened.

Two days after we broke up, I went to my family home in London for about 3 weeks for Christmas. Initially I was very upset, but after a few days, even though it was still on my mind, I started to feel normal again and decided that I wanted him in my life, even as friends. I sent him a couole of casual texts over the holiday period (things like merry christmas) and he replied, but never initiated contact himself.

 

I came back to uni on Saturday and since then have started to really miss him again. On Sunday I text him asking if he'd want to grab a quick coffee one day in the next couple of weeks and I got no reply, which hurt. I decided I wanted closure, so I messaged him again emphasising that I meant as friends and that I meant it when I said I didnt want to cut him out of my life, but if not I'd leave him alone.

He responded very quickly saying he meant it but he jusr has a lot happening atm.

I didnt reply until yesterday when I asked him for some advice as I was very upset (although I didn't let on how upset) that i had made the wrong decision in moving to my current city. He was the one who initially pushed me to go as he knew a large part of me staying would have been because of him and he had signed a new contract at work saying they could move him to a different city at any time and he would have gone.

He replied to me and gave me some.advice which was basically just to power through, but didn't really seem like he particularly wanted to keep the conversation going.

 

I am terrified that he doesn't care about me anymore and I'm the one who's been left vulnerable.

Yesterday when I was really upset I wanted to get back together and was convinced that if I had stayed in his city, we would have still been together.

 

I talked to lots of people yesterday and had a massive cry and so today I can look at things a bit more logically. I know that me staying in his city wouldn't have necessarily worked out because his job would have always come first- he told me that himself and he said he wasn't in a position for a relationship.

So if he had left me and I had stayed, I would have been even more lonely than I am now.

And even though I cared about him, I knew he wasn't 'the one' and so the relationship would have ended eventually.

 

I guess my issue is now is it's still playing on my mind and I think I'm feeling worse because I'm having to deal with a move, a long commute and not sleeping on top of missing him and the relationship. I currently have too much time in my life to myself to just think about it and I feel sick all the time, so much so I'm not eating properly.

 

I feel like I still need closure. I feel like I need to meet up with him as friends, but have a really big discussion with all my questions answered so that I can move on and I actually do want him in my life because we did have such good times- even if we only meet up or message each other occasionally as friends. I just don't know how to go about that.

 

Any advice would be amazing or any stories where people have broken up when you still like each other, but life has gotten in the way.

 

Thank you

 

First of all, closure comes from within, not from your ex.

 

Let him reach out to you, don't initiate contact with him because he ignores you or he replies after a couple of hours or days.

 

NC all the way that is my advice.

[gem29]

Thank you for your advice. I know it's what I've got to do, but equally I'm scared that he won't reach out and everything we've had will just fizzle away and then that will mean he didnt care about me as much as he said. I know that's his problem and I've just got to come to terms with the fact that this is probably what's going to happen and I need to stay strong.

 

Any tips for maintaining NC?

[David87]

Thank you for your advice. I know it's what I've got to do, but equally I'm scared that he won't reach out and everything we've had will just fizzle away and then that will mean he didnt care about me as much as he said. I know that's his problem and I've just got to come to terms with the fact that this is probably what's going to happen and I need to stay strong.

 

Any tips for maintaining NC?

 

I got a few tips: Delete him from social media, facebook(Block) twitter msn etc.

Don't call or text him.

If he text you only respond if he says that he wants you back, he is sorry, he loves you etc.

 

Don't respond to texts like , Hi, How are you, I miss you, why are you ignoring me etc, those are breadcrumbs.

[gem29]

Ok will do this. Is this for an indefinite amount of time or just until I'm over him?

[David87]

Ok will do this. Is this for an indefinite amount of time or just until I'm over him?

 

The purpose of NC is to get over your ex and focus on you.

 

There are cases when the ex realises what he lost and comes back, but don't wait for that to happen.

[Luke12345]

To be honest with you it sounds to me like he is purposefully ignoring you and reducing any attachment to you because he knows deep down in his heart it won't work due to these curcumstances, and also due to general feelings, here's where you admitted that too "I knew he wasn't 'the one' and so the relationship would have ended eventually" (just so you know).

 

I know how you're feeling, I really do I've had a relationship end for similar reasons, you're so damn torn between knowing what will work and what won't, the big question 'what if' comes in to your mind a lot, am I right? I'm afraid to say thought you need to think like 'it is' and accept reality.

 

Let's put it this way, if things DID work out, still how would you see him? Not a lot by the sounds of it. Would you cope with that? What if he suddendly did move locations again? It could happen at any time. How would you feel about that? You would be hurting, you would be questioning yourself and the relationship yet again about it not working, and you would go round and round in circles in your mind and it would drive you crazy.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself AND for him is to go NC and leave him to contact you. Patience is a virtue, and if things change and he really does care about you enough that is NEEDED to make relationships work, he will come to you. If they don't change, hey you dodged a bullet. If they do and he doesn't contact you, hey you dodged a bullet, it means it wasn't going to work out anyway.

 

You now have to focus on your own life, what's all this spare time you speak of? It sounds to me like an opportunity to me. Start a hobby, do something you love, do 1 thing every day that scares you. Pull yourself away from this situation and make yourself happy and you will slowly feel yourself unwind and relax and at the end of the day if he comes back he comes back, decide what to do then, if not, you could even meet someone else better in that time! Put yourself out there. You only get 1 life, don't live it waiting. And there's now over 7 billion people in the world, let's call it 3.5 for the opposite sex to you, unless you like to try some new things that is

[gem29]

Ok thank you. I think I'm going to look at this as a challenge!!

[gem29]

To be honest with you it sounds to me like he is purposefully ignoring you and reducing any attachment to you because he knows deep down in his heart it won't work due to these curcumstances, and also due to general feelings, here's where you admitted that too "I knew he wasn't 'the one' and so the relationship would have ended eventually" (just so you know).

 

I know how you're feeling, I really do I've had a relationship end for similar reasons, you're so damn torn between knowing what will work and what won't, the big question 'what if' comes in to your mind a lot, am I right? I'm afraid to say thought you need to think like 'it is' and accept reality.

 

Let's put it this way, if things DID work out, still how would you see him? Not a lot by the sounds of it. Would you cope with that? What if he suddendly did move locations again? It could happen at any time. How would you feel about that? You would be hurting, you would be questioning yourself and the relationship yet again about it not working, and you would go round and round in circles in your mind and it would drive you crazy.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself AND for him is to go NC and leave him to contact you. Patience is a virtue, and if things change and he really does care about you enough that is NEEDED to make relationships work, he will come to you. If they don't change, hey you dodged a bullet. If they do and he doesn't contact you, hey you dodged a bullet, it means it wasn't going to work out anyway.

 

You now have to focus on your own life, what's all this spare time you speak of? It sounds to me like an opportunity to me. Start a hobby, do something you love, do 1 thing every day that scares you. Pull yourself away from this situation and make yourself happy and you will slowly feel yourself unwind and relax and at the end of the day if he comes back he comes back, decide what to do then, if not, you could even meet someone else better in that time! Put yourself out there. You only get 1 life, don't live it waiting. And there's now over 7 billion people in the world, let's call it 3.5 for the opposite sex to you, unless you like to try some new things that is

 

 

Luke, you definitely do know how I'm feeling. The 'what if' came into my mind so often yesterday.

 

All your points make so much sense.

In terms of how much we would have seen each other, it would have depended how hard he was willing to try. That's one thing I found hard to deal with was that he was willing to try for about 3 weeks after he found out I was going to move and then completely changed his mind. But if he couldn't work past it when things got a little bit rough, I guess I didn't mean enough to him and so in that sense, probably did dodge a bullet because things would have just got more serious if I'd stayed and it would have hurt even more if he'd left me!

 

I doubt we'll ever get back together now because neither of our situations are going to change unless his work gets moved to where I'm currently living (which is a possibility). And to be honest, I'm not sure if I'd even want to get back together. For instance, despite how much I cared for him and how lovely he was prior to the break up, he broke up with me a week before my grandad's funeral and didn't text me or contact me in any way to see how it went/how I was despite knowing I was going through such a stressful time.

 

I just hope I haven't cocked up our chances of one day being friends by not going NC already. The city he lives in (where I work) is a lovely city that we explored together a lot and I really miss the fact that my social life in that city has now completely ended, so it would be lovely if in a couple of months we could meet up as friends in one of the coffee shops we went to or something, but I won't hold out hope.

 

In terms of hobby, I do go to the gym a lot and a friend of mine suggested getting into meditation because I'm having such a hard time sleeping/eating, so I think I may try that. But I'm also a bit lonely as all my friends are busy with uni work (it's their 3rd year) so can't see me as often, but I think I have to adapt to being by myself again and truthfully I think that's why I've been struggling the past few days because since we broke up I've been surrounded by people who love me (it was xmas after all) and now I'm not so it's like I've been dumped again. But O definitely think the only way is up.

 

Oh one important question: There is a very high possibility that I might run into him in person (my commute to work goes past his work), what are the rules for NC on that? I don't want to blatantly ignore him...

[Luke12345]

I'd like you to re-read your first paragraph back to yourself, maybe even a few times, and situate it deep in your mind as that is I'm sure the way it will go. This is backed up by how he didn't even comment on the funeral, he may be distancing himself for the reasons I said, I may be wrong, but at the end of the day that shows he doesn't care ENOUGH, enough for you to be fully fulfilled in a relationship with him in regards to attention, enough to make it work.

 

Why not go to the city you know and love? Do you have friends there? If so there's nothing stopping you still seeing it, you are your own person and nothing or nobody should stop you doing anything. I've recently broken up with my ex and we have the same local pub (it was mine at first but gradually become hers too from us being together). I'm still going to go there, nothing will stop me because it's a place that makes me happy, it's a place where my friends are, it's just about handling how to be when you see you ex which I will come to in a moment and answer your bottom question. One thing I will say though, before you make this decision, really think about it first. Will it be painful when the memories are bought back up from that piece of chewing gum stuck to the wall he put there? Or that marking on the bench you both made? If you think it will be too much, don't go, if there's ANY doubt in your mind don't go, it will consume you and your feelings and it won't be healthy, I can't stress this enough. Maybe you can later when you've healed more if you feel this way? If you think you can cope, DO NOT dwell on these things while you're there. Also do not tell him you are 'just in the neighbourhood' or anything like that. Focus on having fun with your friends, enjoying the sights and sounds and tastes that you love as your own person, you're going to be doing things differently, because that's the way you want it. Take what you want! Do it your way!

 

That sounds like a great hobby, you never know, you might not only feel better but you might find inner peace too I know you said the majority of your friends are away at the moment but try and find if there's anyone about to do things with. Having company and being surrounded by loved ones does help a lot as you know from Christmas. The way relationships work are that you are both 2 people, you then become 1, sharing everything you have, so when you break apart you only feel like half a person, it's lonely and that's where most people's suffering comes from, but you must remember, only YOU can change that, and the best way is to remember the things you love, do them to your hearts content, keep yourself busy, and you will soon be whole again.

 

To answer your question when you bump in to him. Baring in mind HE broke it up and pushed YOU away, I would say to act casual, maybe pretend your busy (even if your not), if you get caught stopping and chatting keep it short and sweet and be on your way. If he can see that your life is going well and your busy with other things this will attract him more and you'll be in control. See how he reacts. DO NOT try arrange an event with him, walk away and you never know, from this new found attractiveness you have shown through independancy he may be the to stop you as your walking away and ask you out. If he doesn't, it further proves your first paragraph. I would be careful about agreeing to going out if it's soon though, I think you will get hurt, it will reset your NC and you will have to start all over. I would say leave these chances until later, when your fully over him in that way, and when you can see easily see you being friends with no attachment.

[gem29]

Great advice again!!

 

The bit about a person feeling like a half after a break up nearly made me cry because it's so true!

However, I was single for 20 years before I met him, so I'm sure I can re-adapt to the way I was before.

 

The bit about going to visit the town made me think and has given me a plan that over the next few weeks, everything that I consider 'ours' or 'his' I'm going to reclaim to make mine. For instance, there was a cocktail bar he took me to and then we revisited several times that I absolutely adored, so I've invited some friends to go with me there at some point in the near future. I think you're right- I shouldn't have to lose everything I gained in that city just because it's tainted by him.

 

I have made plans for myself every day until next Tuesday at the moment and so am working towards regaining my single social life.

 

I cannot express how much your words helped today, so thank you. Even though I'm not 100% ok or over him, I am 10x better than I was yesterday. I can see the direction I need to go and feel positive that some day in the near future I will be able to think about him with zero pain and emotion and maybe we will be friends, but if not I'll be able to handle it.

I've finally accepted we're over and now I just have to give myself a chance to heal, mourn what was lost, but equally be grateful for the times we shared, even though they are now over and I know I'll be stronger for it in the end

[gem29]

Oh and as for running into him, I will keep it light, friendly and casual and what's good is when I run into him, chances are I'll be on my way to work or to catch a train, so I will have an excuse to bow out and leave- that is, if he doesnt completely ignore me!