The All-New 2014 No Contact Guide!

[TaraMaiden]

Members wishing to discuss their own experiences with the Guide or in general regarding No Contact may do so at the following link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/495016-consolidated-discussion-no-contact-guide-no-contact-process-experience

 

The All-New 2014 Caliguy and TaraMaiden No Contact Guide!

 

 

Hi guys!

Given the passage of time, new experience and better methods of helping those whose hearts are broken, here is the All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide version 2014 - UPDATED!

It's long - but it will shorten the 'road' needed, for you to come out of this, a better person.

 

Q. What is no contact?

A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

 

Q. What is no contact for?

A. No contact, in brief, is meant as the best and quickest means for you to heal and move on.

 

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?

A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life - you are in for a rude awakening.

 

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?

A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex.

That means no calls, no emails, no text/sms, IM's, absolutely no checking FB or Twitter - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach. If necessary, get someone else to hold on to them for you.... after a while, you won't know what's there, and won't want it back, anyway...

 

Q. My ex keeps texting me, and nothing seems to put them off. What do I do about this?

A. First of all, delete their number and block it.

Then the next time they text you, reply IMMEDIATELY - with this message:

 

"Your message could not be delivered because the recipient has blocked this number."

 

Do this every single time they try to text you.

(Blocking/deleting numbers prevents calls, but doesn't always prevent texts.)

Pretty soon, they should give up.

 

Q. What should I be doing during NC?

A. First of all, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counselling, by all means go.

 

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.

A. Unfortunately - you already have.

Clinging on to them or clinging to the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

 

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?

A. No, absolutely not - especially if you are still in love with them. For the most part, Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string.

Furthermore, keeping you as a 'friend' is designed to make them feel better about things - not you. Keeping you as a friend, is a way of relieving their guilt, and convincing them that hey, it can't hurt all that much, if you're willing to just be a buddy, right....?

Wrong.

See, it’s like this....

When the dumper extends the hand of friendship, well, that seems very kind and generous, but it's actually very thoughtless and selfish.

Your heart's just been ripped out and turned inside out by them leaving you - it's like a phase of mourning - so how s/he can tug at your heartstrings and expect you - as someone who still has deep-seated feelings for them - to just flip to 'be my friend!" Well, really - it's completely irrational and unreasonable.

But it makes the dumper feel really charitable.

"I don't want to go out with you - you DON'T rock my world, and you're not 'the one' but at least if I suggest staying friends, it doesn't make me out to be a callous person, and if you WILL be my friend, then I can't be that bad - and you can't be that hurt, can you?"

It eases their guilt.

Do NOT agree to this - it will prolong the pain, and cement the agony.

The dumper carries on in their merry way, texting you, friendly, verbal 'arm-punching' in a "we're such great buddies!" kind of way - and all the time, you'll be screaming inside "I want to get back together with you again!!"

The only time friendship will be possible, is when you can see them in the arms of another loving partner, completely happy, and holding their child - and think to yourself, "Meh... that reminds me....I need some sweet peppers and tomatoes."

 

Benign Indifference.

That's what you're aiming for.

 

All this “Let’s just be friends” thing will do, is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

 

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??

A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go and work out at the gym. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Because, guess what? They are definitely not sitting around with their new love, wondering why you aren't calling them.

Exercise releases endorphins, and after a while, the more you take care of yourself, the better you'll look. And the better you look - the better you'll feel.

 

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex?

A. Never, EVER be the first to contact your ex!

If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, and don’t beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an phekk-wit is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

 

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?

A. The question is: Why are they contacting you?

If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them.

 

Otherwise, there's no need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but at this juncture, it's a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree, but first of all, I would want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no-no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

 

If they really want you back, then you have to listen out for the apology. The complete 180.

"I'm really sorry for what I did. I don't know why I did it, but all I know, is that it was the most stupid thing I've ever done. I want to try again, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, prove I'm deadly serious, and regain your trust. Please, can you find it in your heart to try again?"

 

Anything other than this - any small talk, any "so how are you?"s, any tentative chit-chat - is just breadcrumbs. Mostly, to appease their own guilt, make them feel better, and confirm that they can still yank your chain.

 

The only thing you should actually ever respond to is a clear and absolutely unequivocal signal, from them that they desperately love you and would do anything to be able to try again.

Anything - ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING - else - is just a way of chatting with you and keeping you simmering on a back-boiler until you are roasted, broiled, cooked, done, shredded, dried out and falling off the bone.

 

Remember: The question is NEVER "Why are they doing *this* or why have they said *that*?

The question is always, but ALWAYS:

"What do I do now?"

And the answer to that, is to not try to head-read, or second-guess. It's to keep on doing what you're doing. Ignore it, and stay in NC.

 

Q. What happens if I break NC?

A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. If you're nursing a shattered heart, you can't handle what they have to say. Why rip out the stitches, and tear the wound open again?

if you pass razor wire up one nostril and down the other, while poking your eyes out with needles - it will hurt only marginally less than talking to them, and getting nothing from them but pain.

 

A question we get asked a lot, is 'what about Birthdays?'

Yeah, right. What about them?

Just another day, just another situation to completely and utterly ignore.

Do not ever send any form of Birthday wish (just another excuse to cling to them),and do not respond to anything they send you (Just more breadcrumbs rubbish).

 

Q. What if I see them in public?

A. Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. As far as they're concerned, it really looks as if you're doing great without them - even if you aren't.

 

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?

A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realise that, the sooner you implement NC and get on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole 'No Contact' deal is all about. Healing, and Moving On.

 

Q: What do I do if I have obligations with my ex- which make Complete No Contact impossible?

A: Well, I guess we're talking about the care of children, the legal division of property, or the professional requirements of having to work together, here, right?

Situations where there is absolutely no way that you can avoid having to speak to them, at one point or another...

There is something you can do, though:

It's called 'LC' - Limited Contact.

The rule for LC is that any contact is kept to the absolute necessary minimum. If, for example, you need to discuss the children, or any custodial arrangements, just discuss the children and the custodial arrangements - and that's it.

 

If you are obliged by circumstance to live together, you should treat each other like housemates, respect each other's space and treat each other with cool, reserved and detached courtesy.

 

If you happen to work together in the same workplace, ensure that all and any discussion in the workplace, is about work. Whenever professional dialogue is required, keep to that.

 

If contact is required, keep it business-like. Don't permit emotion to cloud your judgement or to affect your discussion. If you make decisions based on emotional rationale, any arrangement is likely to fail. Emotions are the worst things to base any decisions on.

 

Simply because the other person is your ex, is no reason or excuse to be rude, insulting, hostile, deliberately difficult, stubborn or intransigent.

 

You may well be emotionally hurt; of course you are. But pain is pain, business is business. If you are thrown together by circumstance, it is far better to focus on the latter, and to deal with the former, alone.

 

The above advice is, of course, providing there is no abuse, of any kind, or any severe issues making these kind of arrangements difficult. Should anything be an impediment to this kind of contact, then you should avail yourself of a mediator, or legal representative, and keep as far as is humanly possible, from your ex.

 

Ensure that all negotiations, agreements and arrangements, are arrived at logically, not emotionally.

And never resort to spite, or retaliation; if you are obliged to do something, and agree to a specific arrangement - stick to it.

 

Q. What is the best way to get closure from my ex?

A. You will never, ever get closure, from your ex.

Writing letters, or arranging to meet 'one last time' to get closure, is a pointless exercise. For several reasons.

One: Very often, the dumper themselves, cannot really come up with a straight answer. They themselves may be confused about the situation, so you may get one answer one day, and a different one the next....

Two: They will lie. Either to protect themselves, or to protect your feelings. Which of course, is pointless, because they're shattered anyway.

Three: Any answers or responses you do get - will simply serve to prompt more questions on your part. Because deep down, all you want out of closure - is for them to do an about turn and admit they were wrong. You want them to change their minds.

Seeking closure just reeks of 'desperate'. And it will merely serve to break your heart again.

 

Closure, is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system.

 

So you have to face facts, get real and accept matters as they are.

 

Realise that none of us is immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us for us to carry on to the next relationship. You know what they say: "What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger". I actually hate that phrase, but it seems to be true..... That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

 

There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, the quicker you heal yourself up, improve where you can and embed the lessons of your past - then the better off you'll be for someone else. Someone who deserves you. And someone for whom you will be a dream come true.

 

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are.

 

You simply cannot lose on an investment in yourself.

 

Once you've done the work, it's there. Forever

And you can share it with whomever you choose.

Be the best 'you' you can be.

 

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will in all likelihood, happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go completely. And become whole, to love again.

Edited April 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
additiion to post ~T

[DownNtOut]

this reiteration of NC was much needed, finding it hard lately. this reading this has helped.

 

thank you

[aMguilts]

excellent post tara!!

 

 

both of you have helped so much on here!!

 

 

can I suggest something thou?

put the 180 guide on the end, so many on here are always asking what it is

 

 

The All-New 2014 Caliguy and TaraMaiden No Contact Guide and 180 GUIDE

!!

then it would be perfect

[Hope737]

I've got to say, this site and you guys have been amazing over the past year or so. I'm not a regular poster but when I have, the responses have been very helpful and honest.

 

Anyway, I went down the no contact route with my ex. I'd not spoken to her or had any contact with her for about 11 months. I must admit, I have seen her a few times and exchanged a few glances as unfortunately we work for the same company. This isn't how we met however, we were childhood friends and it's pure coincidence we ended up at the same company.

 

So yeah, 11 months of solid no contact was the other day, broken. She approached me at work and basically came straight out with it and asked why I had stopped speaking to her (I was the one to initiate NC). I could do nothing to avoid her. I did the usual explaining of how I needed a clean break. I must admit, it was fantastic to speak to her again as she was once my closest friend. We spoke about the past and had a great laugh together before she dropped her bombshell. She's moved on, in a new relationship and she now lives with this new guy. I sure as hell wish I could've moved on so easily.

 

It then hit me, it was like losing her all over again. Realising that she had genuinely moved on when I was still recovering was a right kick to the stomach.

 

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, no matter how difficult it is, MAINTAIN no contact. Ignorance really is bliss. She now expects us to be friends again and I'm going to try damn hard to make a friendship work but it's going to be a difficult road.

 

Listen to the advice on here from all the guys, no contact really is paramount in helping yourself recover. Don't break it like I did after 11 months!

 

All the best!

[elseaacych]

I feel kind of like one of those cheesy testimonials you see on TV, but, No Contact has worked! It has given me faith in myself that I don't need my ex in my life to keep me happy. Love doesn't beg or plead. It is strong and steadfast, and by maintaining no contact I've been able to maintain my dignity as I go through the whirlwind of emotions associated with the breakup.

 

By the way, what is the 180 guide?

[TaraMaiden]

'Doing a "180" ' means a complete turn-around from the previous position....

in other words, adopting a stance that is in complete contrast to behaviour and attitude hitherto demonstrated.

[mammasita]

Time to update my sig

[Mr.Pine]

Listen to the advice on here from all the guys, no contact really is paramount in helping yourself recover. Don't break it like I did after 11 months!

 

Brother, you can't be blamed entirely for this breakage of NC debacle. She cornered you. Unfortunately, you should have sacked up and done an NHL/NFL shuffle, and dodged the beeyotch. Why even entertain anything that came out of her gaping pie-hole? And after 11 months, it is sad to see things are still adversely affecting you. Avoid her at all costs from now on.

 

I need a coffee. It's too early to dole out late advice.

[Jiivy]

I can't tell you how powerful this guide has been to opening my eyes on the fact that...

 

NC is about me. I was convinced that NC could get her back in the long run - but here's the trick...you'll never get them back until you lose them. You have to become someone new and probably, so do they. Think about it, there are only 4 possible outcomes:

 

1. You don't move on, they realise their mistake in time and come back to you. But you never got over the hurt, and whatever it was that got them to leave you in the first place remains...so either you devolve in to jealousy or they leave you again!

 

2. You don't move on and they never come back...whatever life it is that you lead beyond that is sad and alone. You remain tortured forever.

 

3. You move on and they come back. You're in a neutral position to decide whether the new you and the new them can make it work...and whatever your choice, it doesn't matter - because you've moved on.

 

4. You move on and they don't come back....and yeah, you probably got it - it doesn't matter anymore. Because you've moved on.

[elseaacych]

Found a proverb that applies very well to NC.

 

"Absence makes the heart grow stronger."

[Lifegoezon]

I love this guide. Today is a bad day for me though and I'm just wondering whether our NC somehow lets the dumpers of the hook a bit by letting them think we don't mind being dumped. So they feel no guilt. I'm not planning on giving up my dignity by breaking NC but i'd prefer if he felt some shame about what he did. Then again maybe nothing would make him ashamed anyway.

[DownNtOut]

You can read in my profile my back story if you like.

 

I am over 5 months into NC with my ex girlfriend.

Im keeping myself busy, I have a new job,

planning holidays and trips with my friends,

going out to concerts, buying new clothes

and i am exercising and eating well.

 

I am staying strong with the NC.

 

But i admit i still think about her, alot of things remind me of her.

I hear music or see a film that i know she would like.

I wonder what she is doing.

 

Im goin to keep no contact and hope that soon

i will loose the feelings i have for her.

[erklat]

What is new in this newest iteration of this guide?

 

I think I read it more than a few times yet I don't seem to notice anything different.

[TheBladeRunner]

Thanks for the revised version! The original was very helpful for me creating a LC version as my XW and I have a child together. Bravo!

[Sugarkane]

This isn't much different from the old NC guide.

[Sugarkane]

It's a pitty no one takes notice of don't contact the ex, when it's their birthday etc. That gets asked so much.

[TaraMaiden]

I love this guide. Today is a bad day for me though and I'm just wondering whether our NC somehow lets the dumpers of the hook a bit by letting them think we don't mind being dumped. So they feel no guilt. I'm not planning on giving up my dignity by breaking NC but i'd prefer if he felt some shame about what he did. Then again maybe nothing would make him ashamed anyway.

 

Remember, it's not about what it does to them; it's all about what it does FOR YOU.

They no longer figure; they don't matter.

Your response is by no means unusual though, and is a classic sign of someone who was in the habit of 'putting the other person first'.... in other words, your concern here, is about the effect on them, which is why it's important to shift your focus onto yourself, and do what matters most, for your healing. And that is, forget about what it's doing to them.

 

What is new in this newest iteration of this guide?

 

I think I read it more than a few times yet I don't seem to notice anything different.

There are some minor new changes to do with birthday/special occasion contact.... and some minor tweaks and adjustments. but the 'birthday' advice is significant. A lot of people new to NC ask about that...

 

This is the 'problem' with the Guide; when you've known about it for a long time, it's old hat, and can seem tedious. But remember, so many 'newbies' are seeing it for the first time. So it's important to add 'new material' as it becomes relevant or pertinent.

 

 

This isn't much different from the old NC guide.

No, but it still helps.

[elseaacych]

DISCLAIMER: I am only a first timer when it comes to breakups, so I don't actually have any experience with breadcrumbs.

 

Somethin I have observed, through scouring this forum is that answering breadcrumbs only seems to beget more breadcrumbs. Why? Because breadcrumbs are lazy communications that dumpers use out of curiosity in the dumpee's affairs, just to "check in". The dumper may do this out of a perceived obligation, ie, a birthday. But subconsciously they want to see if you're still around for them.

 

If you respond once, you send the signal that it is okay to send more breadcrumbs. Breadcrumbs cause anxiety for the dumpee because they don't know "what it means", and the dumpee will just try to analyze the hell out of it. The best thing you can do is just to ignore it.

 

If the breadcrumb is supposed to lead to something more, they will make it clear that you know what their intentions are.

[Marry bubbles]

You can read in my profile my back story if you like.

 

I am over 5 months into NC with my ex girlfriend.

Im keeping myself busy, I have a new job,

planning holidays and trips with my friends,

going out to concerts, buying new clothes

and i am exercising and eating well.

 

I am staying strong with the NC.

 

But i admit i still think about her, alot of things remind me of her.

I hear music or see a film that i know she would like.

I wonder what she is doing.

 

Im goin to keep no contact and hope that soon

i will loose the feelings i have for her.

 

 

 

Yes, I think the things that remind you of your lost love are the hardest things of all. You cant control the kind of cars like theirs that go by, songs on the radio, places you went together...or hearing some good news and not having someone to share it with...or a joke that only you two would get. No contact, working out like crazy and finding a new hobby has got to help.

[TaraMaiden]

This should be part of the Guide:

 

We get this a lot:

 

"Hey guys, I just thought I'd write my ex a letter/email, here it is - should I send it?

Our response:

 

"No.

Don't.

 

No matter what you say, justify, explain, contribute, respond to, the answer is, and always will be -

 

Don't send it."

 

Every time someone wants to send an ex a message, as a form of closure, or some way to communicate 'how they feel', this will be the constant and unchanging response.

 

Forget it. They don't want to know. All you will do is sound needy, creepy, desperate, and frankly, all you do is stroke their ego.

 

Next time I update the Guide - it's in!

[FredJones80]

I would just like to extend my thanks for this guide, it has been a huge help to me. I just wish I had found it as soon as a split rather than two weeks later.

 

I've been putting it in practise and have to read it daily to remind myself

[elseaacych]

I would like to propose an addendum to the NC Guide for next year:

 

I have a friend who keeps telling me about what the ex is up to!

 

Tell them to stop, right now. This secondhand information is all hearsay, gossip. It does nothing for you, because it will make you wonder, and that doesn't help you move on. The only information you can trust is the complete 180 apology. (Even then you should be skeptical.) You don't care what they are doing, who they are doing, or what they think about anything. They are your ex! They are not a part of your life anymore.

 

Likewise you should do two things: you should stop asking your friend about your ex, if you are doing so. And tell your friend to stop telling your ex anything about what you are up to. Do not make any relationship with any of your friends about your ex! Make your relationship with your friend about you and your friend!

[km19]

I can't tell you how powerful this guide has been to opening my eyes on the fact that...

 

NC is about me. I was convinced that NC could get her back in the long run - but here's the trick...you'll never get them back until you lose them. You have to become someone new and probably, so do they. Think about it, there are only 4 possible outcomes:

 

1. You don't move on, they realise their mistake in time and come back to you. But you never got over the hurt, and whatever it was that got them to leave you in the first place remains...so either you devolve in to jealousy or they leave you again!

 

2. You don't move on and they never come back...whatever life it is that you lead beyond that is sad and alone. You remain tortured forever.

 

3. You move on and they come back. You're in a neutral position to decide whether the new you and the new them can make it work...and whatever your choice, it doesn't matter - because you've moved on.

 

4. You move on and they don't come back....and yeah, you probably got it - it doesn't matter anymore. Because you've moved on.

 

This right here is awesome. I have it saved to my desktop on a note just to remind me. I know it will come in handy when I do have the urge to break NC. But I'm 100% committed to keeping NC and figuring me out.

 

Thanks again. This truly is fantastic