A Letter to All Dumpees

[Natsume21]

Hi, I'm Natsume21. Lately I've been going through it. Lost two family members in one week. Funerals, meetups, talks of the future, wills, all that depressing crap that death and the future entails. I've been on here for a good month and

wanted to start a legitimate, meaningful thread about my own thoughts.

 

We were all dumped on here at one point in our lives. Some of us learned to let it go and let time and fate do its thing. But every now and then, we question why it happened, why it was so unfair that we, the loyal, righteous ones(as we so believe.) get hurt. I usually know what to do or say during these things but regardless, I'll do my best.

 

It sucks being dumped. This letter pertains specifically to those who were in long term relationships(over a year or more) that suddenly ended in ways that you are left scratching your head and picking up the pieces of your heart.

 

So, with that, I came up with some basic rules on what you should do, in any event, of suddenly getting dumped for reasons that don't exactly pan out.

 

1. Let It Go--Disney better not sue me for this. Anyway, this one is especially for the men out there. We've all been there. Where we wonder not why we were dumped, but if the dumper is in bed with someone else. That invades our thoughts and pricks at our ego like a cactus with a magnet because we view our attraction and validation on how our "woman" wants to sleep and be with us, and can not stand when someone else, or the possibility of someone else, is in the picture. That hurts worse than the actual break-up, and unfortunately, at least once you'll be dumped for someone else. Let your ego go, and accept the situation, no matter how much it hurts. And believe me, it's gonna be an addiction, so treat it as such and kill it anyway you need to. Be logical and know pleading or begging won't get them back. This will be the hardest part cause we want to protect our manhood and our reputation, so we do everything in our power to try to supplement it. This brings me to my second point.

 

2.Contact will never bring closure. Just more questions. --This is very true. The more you ask, the less the dumper will probably tell you. And even if he or she were to tell the truth, you'll ask why, beat yourself up, and invalidate yourself as if the whole thing was your fault. In the case of you being lied to and taken advantage of during or before the breakup, it's not your fault. Back in the day, however, we didn't have social media popping up everywhere. When a break-up happened, you'd have to go through a LOT of trouble to find said ex and beg for her or him back, which is why most people just accepted it and went their separate ways. That should not change cause of the massive information superhighway traffic we get on a daily basis. It just serves as a viable excuse to combat against the truth: It's over. Nothing you can do will change that. It's in their hands now.

 

3. It's Over. The sooner you accept that this is just a part of life, the happier you'll be None of us want things we love to end, especially relationships. We all have people dying(like my family is) friends we grew up with leaving us(though for many of us, that seems easier to deal with) and attitudes, tastes, and viewpoints changing. If we look deep inside ourselves, we'd realize we're not the same people we were years ago. With that in mind, why would relationships be any different? People who leave your life, aside from death, do so based on a choice they made, possibly in advance, that they did not want you in their life anymore(fellas, did you feel that ego prick of being undesired by those you desire? It hurts, doesn't it? Like a needle bleeding your heart out but it isn't killing you.) It's a natural part of saying goodbye. If you were cheated on, consider this a blessing.

 

4. In case you were cheated on, or suspect that you were, it's a choice. Therefore, not everyone is going to make that choice, so find people who match your morals People who do that generally do not change, unless they themselves get hurt or something traumatic happens to them. In the world we live in, where almost everything from a cough to a drop of a pin is recorded on the internet, seems the world is more corrupted than ever, doesn't it? In reality, nothing other than tech and progressive thinking has changed....breakups happen just like they did back in the day, and your parents, most of them, and your grandparents probably went through a series of relationships themselves before getting married. That means there's hope for you yet! Stop pining over someone who thinks so little of themselves that they are willing to hurt those around them for selfish gain. There are people out there who do not do these things. You're better than that. s Find people who match you morally, as there are tons of people who match your interests and physical chemistry.

 

5. Loveshack is a great place to vent, but there comes a time where, just like any addiction, you have to forget about how good it makes you feel, and remember how much it hurts. Essentially, your past is your past. You have to move on. Which brings me to my final point.

 

6. Just because they don't love you now, doesn't mean that they didn't before. There are varying degrees of love. I jotted it down to three levels.

 

a. Familial/Friendly Love--this is pretty self-explanatory. This is the kind of affection you have for those you grew up with, the folks that stick it out with you.

 

b.Romantic Love--this is the kind of love that brings us here. That awesome rush of high emotions that sends us in an euphoric state of bliss. It's so addicting and overwhelming that it sometimes lead to bad logical decisions. That's half the fun and the basis for relationships, and sometimes, all the pain.

 

c. Committed/Mature Love--once the romance dies down, and believe it, it always will, this is the crossroads that determine whether or not you end up walking down the aisle all the way to growing old on a porch beating kids off. Unfortunately, in more cases than not, this is the part where people in relationships don't see eye to eye. Sometimes, the lack of romance after a while is interpreted as "falling out of love" and sets the stage for G.I.G.S.-like behavior, resulting in cheating, plenty of excuses, breaks, arguments, and the eventual breakup that leads the broken to places like here for answers. This is the part that separates the romantic men from the boys, the women from the girls. If you find the one that can stick it out to stage 3, you got yourself a keeper, because finding your match is rare.

 

This means that although the person hurt you in possibly the worst, they did, indeed, care for you(although there are exceptions to that rule, I don't believe everyone that dumped us were always cold-hearted people.) Immaturity happens, and no matter what, it was a choice they made, and that means they want to live life without you. Let them. They wanted you in their life for a while and those moments gave you happy and sad memories. It would have been the same result had they died, so treat it like a death, accept the bad with the good, and find someone who will stick it out for the long haul, or...embrace youth(if you have it) and just date around.

 

Either way, a goodbye to this love does not mean a goodbye to life, nor does it mean your life is going to tank.

 

It's going to hurt. You'll go through grieving stages where you will bargain anything just to bring that person back into your life. Understand that this is normal, as this is what addicts go through during the withdrawal phase. But you can't give into it, lest you drive yourself insane.

 

Dumpees, it's all right to hurt. It's all right to feel pain and resentment for those that hurt you. However, they are human. Your time together is now in the past, but you have a future where you will meet even more people and you will fall in love again. Take the pain and embrace life, as it can be short and unpredictable.

 

Remember to be strong. Pain is a result of having loved, and it means that one day, someone could feel that way towards you.

 

Anyway, stick to your guns and start a new life. It'll never be the same as the one you had with her or him, but it can be just as beautiful, if not more so.

 

Thanks for all the advice you've given me, Loveshackers. It's helped me to move on. I can only hope to help someone do the same. And with that, I add rule no. 7:

You had a life before you met them. You'll have one again.

 

Sincerely,

 

Natsume21.

Edited May 18, 2014 by Natsume21

[JFReyes]

Thanks, I needed that...

[Teejee]

Thank you for this inspiring story!

[ahthepain]

Awesome post man.

[hudson701]

Absolutely cracking read, thank you.

 

It's all about the ego isn't it? How, being a man, my self-esteem has been knocked. "How dare she not desire me anymore!" Is sort of what I feel. And the being the person I am, like with every other aspect of my life, I will HAVE to go and get someone better in every possible way- emotionally, intellectually and especially physically. As in my distorted mind, only then I'll be even, or one better.

 

It is what it is. It's a horrible process I'm going through and it seems no end is in sight, but I'm sure I'll get better one day.

[Natsume21]

Absolutely cracking read, thank you.

 

It's all about the ego isn't it? How, being a man, my self-esteem has been knocked. "How dare she not desire me anymore!" Is sort of what I feel. And the being the person I am, like with every other aspect of my life, I will HAVE to go and get someone better in every possible way- emotionally, intellectually and especially physically. As in my distorted mind, only then I'll be even, or one better.

 

It is what it is. It's a horrible process I'm going through and it seems no end is in sight, but I'm sure I'll get better one day.

 

I've noticed with men that they never really seem bothered by the dumping itself, till the possibility of another man comes into the fray, then it sets us OFF! It's our ego. We are instinctually possessive sexually and at times romantically of the women we are in relationships with, so when it ends and we sense a hyena in "our" watering hole, we go into defense mode and we try our best to offset this pricking of our "egos" by either trying to kill the "competition" or find someone that can outdo our previous mate. Most of the time, when we are dumped, we are psychologically unable to establish ourselves for said mate, and results in us begging, pleading and rationalizing that this person loves us, only because we can't stand the thought of "How dare she pick him over us."

[Randomised]

I've noticed with men that they never really seem bothered by the dumping itself, till the possibility of another man comes into the fray, then it sets us OFF! It's our ego. We are instinctually possessive sexually and at times romantically of the women we are in relationships with, so when it ends and we sense a hyena in "our" watering hole, we go into defense mode and we try our best to offset this pricking of our "egos" by either trying to kill the "competition" or find someone that can outdo our previous mate. Most of the time, when we are dumped, we are psychologically unable to establish ourselves for said mate, and results in us begging, pleading and rationalizing that this person loves us, only because we can't stand the thought of "How dare she pick him over us."

 

Absolutely spot on! My ex ended our relationship of 5 years 3 weeks ago, it's been hell but what hurts the most is the thought of her being with someone else. As of yesterday I have been constantly checking her FB for signs that someone else is in the picture. I'm stalking her FB page even though I know any signs will be devastating for me. How stupid is that?

 

I finally found the courage to unfriended her on FB and deleted all contact methods. I thought the act of doing this would make me feel better but I still have a lot of mixed emotions. From all the advices I gather here, I know this is the best way. Time will eventually heal, I'm just hoping that it will be fast.

 

Btw, thank you for this awesome post.

[namastemeow]

i dont know how much should i thank you for writing this. thanks thanks many many thanks thanks! i really really needed this

[Jay77098]

Excellent post, Natsume21. Thanks for sharing that. I really needed that one, as I am definitely suffering today.

[Natsume21]

Absolutely spot on! My ex ended our relationship of 5 years 3 weeks ago, it's been hell but what hurts the most is the thought of her being with someone else. As of yesterday I have been constantly checking her FB for signs that someone else is in the picture. I'm stalking her FB page even though I know any signs will be devastating for me. How stupid is that?

 

I finally found the courage to unfriended her on FB and deleted all contact methods. I thought the act of doing this would make me feel better but I still have a lot of mixed emotions. From all the advices I gather here, I know this is the best way. Time will eventually heal, I'm just hoping that it will be fast.

 

Btw, thank you for this awesome post.

 

Piece of advice, you will, in the coming weeks, try everything in your power to convince yourself that she isn't like this. Even though consciously, you know she is, subsconsciously you'll use your past relationship(5 years, holy crap you're in for some healing) as a reverse way of thinking. Probably along the lines of "She was so sweet and caring. Why did she change? Maybe she's going through a tough time. SHE NEEDS ME! I CAN'T CUT HER OFF! THERE'S STILL A CHANCE."

 

Consider this. When we were all children, we were pretty naive about the world, but we were carefree and the world seemed huge and possible for us. Limits? The only ones we had were our curfews and the house rules, not to mention the television blocks. Are we the same as we were then? Not in the slightest. We saw things, experienced events, and did things that shaped our very being, sometimes negatively.

 

In a way, your ex went through these changes and did it in ways that deceived you, possibly out of a mix of caring for your feelings, and mostly trying to protect themselves from thinking "This is so wrong, so why does it feel right?"

 

But by the time it's done, they simply do not care for the outcome. That's how much people can change over time, and we can be completely oblivious to it, due to the fault of the dumper who were dishonest with us.

 

Let them go. If he or she loved you, someone else will. Sooner or later you'll look back on these days as a happy form of nostalgia, and not a huge regret. By then, you may have very well found a new mate.

 

One that's different, but is just as amazing.

 

--Natsume21

[Natsume21]

Excellent post, Natsume21. Thanks for sharing that. I really needed that one, as I am definitely suffering today.

 

You are welcome. What's eating ya?

 

 

 

"People are usually surprised when I tell them I have no college degree, and yet I'm all over psychology forums."-Me

Edited May 18, 2014 by Natsume21

[FortunateSon]

Great post natsume21, now if my ex would stop finding away to interfere with my life, even after I have blocked all contact...

[Natsume21]

When all else fails....ignore.

 

Worked for me. I was friends with a girl in college I had a HUGE crush on. After a while, her having a boyfriend started to bother me, so I did the only thing I could.

 

Cut her off. I explained to her why I did it. She tried a few times to talk to me about it, but I forced myself to ignore her.

 

And I saw her everyday...we had a couple of classes together. It was torture, but I stuck it out for a year. By the time I talked to her again, I had moved on and gotten a girlfriend.

[Strength in Healing]

This is a helpful topic.

 

 

 

 

"People are usually surprised when I tell them I have no college degree, and yet I'm all over psychology forums."-Me

 

But what does this mean?

 

Lol what the heck.

[picnicinthepark]

Its always great to read posts like this because it solidifies the mentality that everything is going to be okay.

 

Going over 4 months since the BU (almost 5 year RS) with NC for over 2 months (she was the dumper and has never initiated contact). Recently played with fire and got burned. Found out through the grapevine that she is doing well (career-wise but no other details - we're practically strangers) and couldn't help but be happy and sad at the same time. Is this normal behaviour? I've been fairly strict with NC up to this point. Blocked all social media and it has really helped. I've been doing okay and have made major strides in my new life but my mind races sometimes and ignorance is easier said than done...

[Virgin26]

Dumpees, it's all right to hurt. It's all right to feel pain and resentment for those that hurt you. However, they are human. Your time together is now in the past, but you have a future where you will meet even more people and you will fall in love again. Take the pain and embrace life, as it can be short and unpredictable.

 

Great advice, thanks a lot. Sometimes though, I feel like I will never let go of this love. I have loved and broken up before, but nothing like this. This breakup hit me so hard, and it's been more than half a year since I haven't seen him or talked to him. I still have not moved on at all. Sometimes, even if you meet new people and get in new relationships, you'll carry your previous love in your heart for the rest of your life. Sometimes, you never fully move on, you just learn to accept things for what they are and try to let things be.

[Jay77098]

You are welcome. What's eating ya?

 

 

 

"People are usually surprised when I tell them I have no college degree, and yet I'm all over psychology forums."-Me

 

 

I am 2.5 months post-BU, and just feeling incredibly lonely and longing so very badly for my ex. I know logically that the RS is over, done, dead. But my emotions are still very much in turmoil. I miss her, and I miss the RS and all the good things that came along with it. I know it will get better with time, but right now I am just so incredibly down and feeling so sad and wondering where/when I will ever meet someone again. Awful.

[Natsume21]

Its always great to read posts like this because it solidifies the mentality that everything is going to be okay.

 

Going over 4 months since the BU (almost 5 year RS) with NC for over 2 months (she was the dumper and has never initiated contact). Recently played with fire and got burned. Found out through the grapevine that she is doing well (career-wise but no other details - we're practically strangers) and couldn't help but be happy and sad at the same time. Is this normal behaviour? I've been fairly strict with NC up to this point. Blocked all social media and it has really helped. I've been doing okay and have made major strides in my new life but my mind races sometimes and ignorance is easier said than done...

 

This is perfectly normal behavior. Btw, nice pointing out that you're strangers, because that's exactly what you are, strangers with a history.

 

Your series of choices that the both of you made shaped you even further as time went on. Unfortunately, her choices turned her into someone you could not deal with, nor someone who she did not desire you to be with. Believe me when I say money doesn't buy happiness. I've seen it too many times where rich people commit suicide. Career or not, something in her heart might be troubling her. You will miss the good times, that's perfectly normal.

 

As kids, we had our friends we hung out at the playground, playing jump rope, hopscotch, and other fun games. Well guess what, can you guys name all your friends from that time that you're still friends with? You can't(though there are exceptions) because they have changed in ways that you no longer recognize them as the friends you knew.

 

Your ex is no different. Difference is, you had a deeper attachment, and therefore, the loss is more devastating.

 

It's never easy to stay away, but she's a stranger. You wouldn't be wrong in contacting her, but what you would be doing is futile.

 

Hang in there. The emotional roller coaster is reaching it's peak.

 

--Natsume21

[Natsume21]

Great advice, thanks a lot. Sometimes though, I feel like I will never let go of this love. I have loved and broken up before, but nothing like this. This breakup hit me so hard, and it's been more than half a year since I haven't seen him or talked to him. I still have not moved on at all. Sometimes, even if you meet new people and get in new relationships, you'll carry your previous love in your heart for the rest of your life. Sometimes, you never fully move on, you just learn to accept things for what they are and try to let things be.

 

Yeah, the sucky part is that we lose that extreme infatuation stage that made us fall in love in the first place, at least for a long while.

 

We become so enthralled in not getting our heart broken that we forget how to love. It's like we are blaming others for the pain others cause.

 

Glad to see you're moving on. It's been a year for me. In fact, today's been a year since...well...I found out about her affair.

 

I cringe at the thought.

[Natsume21]

I am 2.5 months post-BU, and just feeling incredibly lonely and longing so very badly for my ex. I know logically that the RS is over, done, dead. But my emotions are still very much in turmoil. I miss her, and I miss the RS and all the good things that came along with it. I know it will get better with time, but right now I am just so incredibly down and feeling so sad and wondering where/when I will ever meet someone again. Awful.

 

Chi Town D(check out his posts, dude's an expert at this stuff) has a story posted on here somewhere where he got dropped by his ex, and it served him the motivation to get his life together. Dude turned into Pitbull, lol.

 

Now, not all of us can achieve high-end careers in our life, but we are definitely in control at bettering our lives, even if it's one step at a time.

 

When your hands aren't busy, you usually go into dark, depressive places where you seek comfort in said former relationship. The routine is shattered and now you're lost and unsure what to do.

 

I can't promise you you'll find anyone in the future. But I do know that you won't find anyone if you're stuck with the dead corpse that is this relationship.

 

Some suggestions: find a hobby. It could be something you're passionate about. For me, it's psychology and music. Find some friends and go out, but most of all, and I can't stress this enough: NETWORK.

 

Network equals opportunities, opportunities equal people, people equal second chance at love.

 

So get to it. There's a world out there ready to experience you. Won't you let it in?

[Natsume21]

This is a helpful topic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But what does this mean?

 

Lol what the heck.

 

At a clinic once, I was helping out this 40 year old woman who just got out of a divorce and was going through depression.

 

She mistook me for one of the psychologists and I told her. "Sorry, I'm not. I don't have a degree."

 

Goes to show you things are never what they seem. Also wanted to kinda brag, lol.

 

^Yes, I'm ego-tripping, lol.

[Natsume21]

I am 2.5 months post-BU, and just feeling incredibly lonely and longing so very badly for my ex. I know logically that the RS is over, done, dead. But my emotions are still very much in turmoil. I miss her, and I miss the RS and all the good things that came along with it. I know it will get better with time, but right now I am just so incredibly down and feeling so sad and wondering where/when I will ever meet someone again. Awful.

 

So, on that note, how did she end the relationship?

[FortunateSon]

When all else fails....ignore.

 

Worked for me. I was friends with a girl in college I had a HUGE crush on. After a while, her having a boyfriend started to bother me, so I did the only thing I could.

 

Cut her off. I explained to her why I did it. She tried a few times to talk to me about it, but I forced myself to ignore her.

 

And I saw her everyday...we had a couple of classes together. It was torture, but I stuck it out for a year. By the time I talked to her again, I had moved on and gotten a girlfriend.

I have taken the high road and ignored. It is hard to deal with when your character is being maliciously assassinated for unknown reasons.

[Natsume21]

I have taken the high road and ignored. It is hard to deal with when your character is being maliciously assassinated for unknown reasons.

 

Maliciously Assassinated?

[bluegreen]

Lovely and wise post my young friend : ))

The only annoying thing I find here is fact that to many people new people are actually "lazy" to read NC rule permanent post or will this one.

So that's why we see 1001 same old posts.

 

Of course exceptions exist ...