Want to hear from the GIGS EXPERTS!

[unoelo1]

First of all, I'm sorry in advance for such a long story but I wanted you to get a good idea of what's going on...

 

 

I started dating the love of my life when he was 16 (now 22) and I was 18 (now 24). I’ve always rejected guys’ advances because, even throughout my teenage years, I've never been interested in getting into relationships unless I had uncontrollable feelings. I had never felt anything more than a crush for the many guys who have crossed my path so never got involved with them, and then one day my ex came along and stole my heart. Even at that point I didn’t want a relationship as I enjoyed not having to look out for anyone other than myself, but I just couldn’t hide the feelings anymore and eventually I gave in to myself and we started dating. I moved in with him after only 4 months of dating as it just felt right.

 

The first two years of living together were rocky as we were still learning about each other, but at the end of the day we still loved each other the same. After that, things settled down and the next 3 years we barely fought and just enjoyed each other’s company. We would go on date nights once a week and really had a great time with one another. At the beginning of 2013, he took me to a jewellery store to pick out an engagement ring (to my complete surprise). I picked one out, and he said he will propose when I least expect it. Come December 2013, he proposed and we were both very happy. Considering he had spent the entire year planning this proposal, it’s clear that this was not a spur of the moment decision and he had thought about this for a while. We even talked about plans for having kids and decided that 10 years from now would be a good time.

 

 

Fast forward to late March this year, after a bit more than 6 years of being together, he begins to act distant. I shrugged it off to work stresses as he had recently been promoted and had a lot on his plate. Then he starts to hang out with a new group of friends, ones that I still have never met to this day, but from what mutual friends have told me, these new friends are the types of people that he would never previously have even considered hanging out with. They are completely not his type and everyone is confused as to why he is hanging out with them. He starts to party a lot, and a couple of times he had stayed out the entire night and not come home until the next day. This was such an extreme change in him, in such a short space of time (probably only about two weeks), that it was hard for me to shrug it off. His ego had also grown considerably within those two weeks.

 

 

I confronted him about his behaviour and told him that a phone call would be nice if he planned to stay out the entire night as I always worry that something bad may have happened. He apologised and promised to take me somewhere that I have been wanting to go for years and admitted that he had planned to bring home flowers but all the florists had closed by the time he finished work. I accepted the apology and thought everything would be back to normal, but then the next day he snapped for no reason and told me that he “couldn’t be bothered” with me anymore. When I asked why, it seems he was clutching at straws as to a particular reason. He stalled, and then finally told me that he loves me but not like he used to, that he doesn’t know what he wants, that he’s very confused, that this is as hard on him as it is on me, that he can’t give me what I want, etc. His answer to most of my questions was “I don’t know”. I asked him if he just wanted to have a break from each other and then we could reconvene in a few months to see where we are at, he said he didn’t want to be selfish and make me wait and that I should move on.

 

 

None of it made sense to me as he spent an entire year planning a proposal, plus just one month prior to him telling me this, we were talking about buying a house together. No matter what answer he gave me, it didn’t make any sense, but he made it clear that he wanted me to leave. I told him that there was no way that we could be friends because it would hurt too much, at which point I think this made him panic because he then said “maybe I’m making a mistake by doing this, maybe you should just forget everything I said and we’ll go back to how things were because I might regret the decision to break up”. So for the next week after him telling me this new information, I tried to get us to work on our relationship but he had NO interest. I suggested we take a short trip together to try to rekindle the spark between us, and he said he didn’t think that that would work. Meanwhile, he continued to go out and party all night with these new friends, and it was pure torture, so I finally decided to let him go as he wanted me to. When I told him that I was letting him go, he sat down next to me and didn’t say a word for about 30 minutes. I think he was shocked that I finally accepted us breaking up. When he finally talked, he told me that I’m beautiful and he does enjoy being with me, but he just wants to be alone for a while as he’s been in a relationship since he was 16 and wants to experience the world on his own. We spent one last night together and cuddled all night. In the morning, just before he left for work and I was packing my stuff to leave, he told me he will miss me. I didn’t understand it, if he knew he was going to miss me, why was he doing this?

 

 

So I left, and started NC straight away. For almost three weeks I hadn’t contacted him, he hadn’t contacted me, and I just assumed that he was having the time of his life without me. After 19 days of NC I received a text message from him making small talk. He is extremely stubborn so I was surprised to see that he made the first move. We sent text messages back and forth for a couple of hours, and then he asked when I planned to come back (I told him I would be back for the rest of my belongings). I said I had no idea. Two days pass without any further contact from him, when suddenly I receive a phone call from him. When I answered the phone, he started crying and apologising for what he had done. He told me he really loved me and he thinks I would make a fantastic wife but he just really needed a break. He said the thought of me being with another guy kept him awake every night and it hurt him to think about it. He also said that he couldn’t understand why sometimes he felt okay and then other times he couldn’t stand that I wasn’t there with him. He admitted that he was selfish in our relationship and realized how much I had sacrificed for him, and told me that he appreciated everything I did. Everything I wanted to hear. He then said he really wanted to see me. I told him I had planned to come and get the rest of my stuff the following weekend so we could see each other then.

 

 

I was so nervous about seeing him, I wanted so badly to see him but I was afraid of letting my guard down. The day that I arrived, he took me out to a fancy restaurant and then the movies afterwards. When we got back to the house, he suggested he sleep on the couch and give me the bed and I said that wasn’t necessary. We cuddled for a while and one thing led to another, and it really was electric. It felt amazing just to be with him again, and he said he felt the same. We spent the entire weekend together, he even took me to feed sharks at the Aquarium (something I’ve been asking to do for a while). But at the end of the weekend, I told him I needed to know where this was going because I didn’t want to get hurt again, and even though he admitted he’d had an amazing time with me, he was back to the “I don’t know what I want” phase. At this point I became so much more confused! Why is he fighting his feelings for me? We love each other, and love being with each other. It should be as simple as “yes I want to be with you” or “no I don’t want to be with you”, but instead, his answer to everything is “I don’t know” and he’s once again telling me I should move on. I should also add that, despite breaking down on the phone and professing his love for me, he still acts the way he did just before we broke up so it looks like he isn’t over his (GIGS?) phase yet. He’s adamant that it has nothing to do with another girl, but I’ve lost so much trust for him after all of this that I don't know whether to believe that.

 

 

He kept saying he still wants to be friends, and I told him that I do still want him in my life but it would be too hard knowing that I will always want more. So I decided it was time for me to leave again as I just couldn’t do this to myself anymore. I left a letter for him to read, detailing my feelings. I still am unsure as to whether that was the right move to make, but I can’t move on 100% unless I know that he knows exactly how I feel. In the letter, I told him that I love him, but I could see from his behaviour that he needed time apart from me and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to stay together while he was feeling this way. I told him that I would always be there for him if he needed me, and that although I wasn’t looking to jump into a new relationship with anyone, I couldn’t wait for him.

 

 

Now, just before I left, he did say that he didn’t want to have to see photos of me and my “boyfriends” on facebook (even though I only upload photos of me with family). Obviously the thought of me being with anyone else still hurts him, but now I’ve just realized that he’s deleted me from facebook altogether, even though he said he still wants to be friends. He also has only contacted me once since I left for the second time, and I have heard nothing from him since. Is he trying to forget about me? Or is he trying to make me forget about him?

 

 

Everyone, both his and my family and friends, are all so shocked about the break up because they all viewed our relationship as incredibly strong and can see that we love being with each other. His sister-in-law tells me that she has no doubt that he still loves me, but she can’t figure out what’s going on with him.

 

 

 

I’m so much more confused now than I was before I left the first time and it’s not fair. I still love him with all my heart, but I desperately want to forget about him because it just hurts too much. I know everyone makes mistakes, so if he ever realized his mistake and wanted me back, I’d be willing to work on a new relationship with him, but I’m not holding onto any hope that we’ll get back together because it’s just not healthy to. I’d rather him be happy without me, than miserable with me. But at the same time, it would appear that he is miserable without me as well, which makes this so much harder to deal with. I’ve gone NC again for my own sake. It’s been a week so far.

 

 

Am I right in saying this is a case of GIGS? I would LOVE to hear from someone who has been through something similar, whether as the dumper or the dumpee, who can give me some insight as to what might be going through his head.

Edited May 21, 2014 by unoelo1
Looked silly

[BaselineLeaner]

This situation sounds very similar to mine and I am still somewhat confused. My ex of 4 years broke up with me 5 weeks ago. She broke up with me because she was confused as well, and that she needed time to herself. She joined a sorority this past year and her behavior changed like your ex did. She wanted to party more and hang out with girls that were not good influence and were whores. It sucks because it is so confusing as to why she changed. But it changed our relationship to where she eventually broke up with me. She always blamed it on me. She said I never supported her sorority and said I never put in effort, when in reality she never gave me any time once the sorority came along. Even when we did hang out, she was different and always stressed and unhappy. I got to the point where I did quit trying because she was just never there mentally. But to this day, 5 weeks later, I have gone complete no contact and have not heard from her since. I miss her but I miss the old her is what I miss. Not the one that changed, and that's what keeps me moving on and going non contact. She is the one that threw me out of her live so I owe her nothing. Good luck!

[unoelo1]

That sucks to hear. From what I have read, it seems to be a lot more common with girls than guys. I guess I was an unlucky one for that to happen to my guy.

 

 

I should also add that he has been in university for the past three years and has always done really well, except whatever has caused him to break up with me has also caused him to drop a few subjects, and the last remaining subject he hasn't even cared to study much. His grades have really suffered.

[todreaminblue]

I actually think that gigs is where they leave you for someone else i could be mistaken......

 

 

 

this is what i feel has happened maybe and its a guess only, he would only know.....this new group f friends he is with probably consists of single men who party a lot......who would have been giving him the old ball and chain pussy whipped ideals that single men often rib another guy who has a serious relationship about....ever listened to young single plastered guys in a night club....they truly suck.....they go on about how one of their mates is going to get a "blowie " tonight ....this guy is going for that chick........watch him, watch him yeah he is putting the moves on......truly enlightening from just being my invisible self.......

 

 

 

this new group of friends has some sort of influence on him ....thats my honest feelings....and it isnt uncommon.....once i heard a single guy mate say to my now ex.....(me being invisible again i tend to hear things).........why are you with that elephant you can do better maaate........dump her arse......the week before he said that, he had tried it on me i had said no if you ask again ill tell......i didnt tell, i didnt want my boyfriend to fight so i hid it........after that conversation that i never let on i had heard......my ex started cheating on me, treating me rather badly......and i miscarried alone while he was partying on with other women and his bestest bud............didnt have a phone or transport........he came home the next day adn went straight back out again...i handled my grief alone for quite a few months.......

 

 

so this is why yes i do feel young men will try and influence a guy in a relationship especially if they are not known to you or know you at all....it is my experience and what i have known to happen.........all nighters and changes in personality and behavior are not good signs of good company being kept.......i am sorry, i feel for you.........my suggestion.....keep no contact.......

 

i didnt leave my boyfriend at the time....i said i was leaving because i had fallen pregnant again to him, i didnt want to be around his mates or anyone like his mates.............he left the mates behind and moved interstate with me.....and now i have three girls....and yes he is my ex........again partying and alcohol and not so good company.....lethal mix to a relationship

 

 

i think he will have to make some serious choices on his own...maybe the grass is greener for him and so new and exciting you guys were and are still young....has a habit of fading fast though that greener grass............you be strong...hugs...deb

Edited May 21, 2014 by todreaminblue

[David87]

I actually think that gigs is where they leave you for someone else i could be mistaken......

 

 

 

You're not mistaken, and if he hasn't left for someone eles he didit to find someone else. It doesnt mater, what's done it's done. Op you are so young and you have plenty of thime to find '''''''the one'''''' this one obviously wasnt.

[unoelo1]

Thanks for the input. Deb, he is very influenced by his friends so this is a very real possibility.

 

 

David, if there is another woman involved, I don't think he will ever come clean with me about it. But you're right, it doesn't matter now as it wouldn't change anything if he did come clean.

 

 

I am trying to force myself to move on as best and as quickly as possible, but the love is still there so it's hard. I deserve better than to be someone's second choice. After this awful experience I don't think I will be getting involved with another man anytime soon!