Unsure of breaking up

[fitguy]

Sorry if this is wordy but I want to get all the information out as the overall scope of the relationship. I didn't realize how wordy it was going to be and hope someone will read it...sorry.

 

I've been with my girlfriend about a year now, since May 2013. We met online and she lived in Quebec while I lived in Arizona. She was planning on moving to Arizona so I kept chatting because I'm not one that wants to deal with long distance relationships. After chatting for a few weeks, she wanted me to come to her place but I didn't want to do that since I didn't know her and didn't know anything about Quebec so we decided to meet in person in a neutral place, Vegas. I figured if things went really bad, I could easily go to another hotel and just chuck it up to experience.

 

We meet and hit it off and had a great time for the week that I was there. We talked about many life situations and she brought up if I ever talk to any ex-girlfriends. I was friendly with my previous ex that I broke up with 6 months prior to talking to this one but stopped talking to her shortly after I started talking to my current girlfriend. I didn't think it was fair since she wanted me back and lived locally. I told her that I talked to one as I remained friends with her but we never talk on the phone or anything, just email once in a while like maybe once every 2 weeks to 9 months (random), and she lives in Canada. We haven't seen each other for 13 years and stopped talking for 3 years before we started chatting again after we both moved on in relationships, she got married and I had other relationships. After that trip, we went back to our respected cities and she came to visit me 2 weeks later. Then I visited her 1 month after that. We would chat every night and for hours at a time via Skype or Facetime. She had a business and stated that she'll have to stay in Quebec longer to finish things up, about 1 or 2 years! I didn't want to get into a long distance relationship but was already into her. I was supposed to go to Las Vegas with a long time high school friend of mine in September last year. My girlfriend asked if she could come along. We planned this vacation back in 2012 and I said that it's really just for us 2 guys but he's canceled plans before and I never ended up going but last September it was supposed to happen. She said if he doesn't go she'll go with me. September is when they have the fitness expo and that's what we would be attending. He, of course, said that he wouldn't go if I'd bring a new girlfriend but that if it makes me more comfortable to spend more time with her, then he'll bow out of going to Vegas. So, I canceled Vegas (and I know I shouldn't have).

 

It's now late July and she keeps crying on FaceTime/Skype that she needs me there and can't live without me there. I feel bad and just want to be there for her and protect her. She keeps on saying she can support me, as in, I work for her company and she pays me. Wants me to quit my job and move there. My career is a web developer with the government. I was hesitant because I didn't want my girlfriend to be my boss! She would say she would love us to be together and I would say, "Yes, we just have to be patient." She would then get upset at me and say that I don't have to tell her that! She knows that! Then shut down Skype and wouldn't talk to me. I had to call her back via Skype so that she can calm down. That I was just stating a fact but didn't think she should have blown up like that? I thought that was a red flag but ignored it telling myself it's just because she wants me to be with her.

 

She wanted to get a Fiat and asked if I could cover those payments when I come up and she'll cover the Jeep payments for the Jeep she has as that costs more. I said sure. She was telling people the previous year that she was going to get a Fiat and when she'd see them she said that she proved to them that she did what she said she was going to do. She said that we would be going on a tropical vacation in October and she does some French television interviews about her business and said that the English ones would be coming up in the new year and I can do those, after I learn some of her business so I'll be on English television. Also, her trainer has an agent that also does voice-over work and I've been told my whole life that my voice is incredible. As well as her trainer is a bodybuilding champion trainer (he is and is in magazines and fitness sites...nice guy too).

 

I ended up negotiating with my company to work remotely as they needed my help for a big web development project. I quit my job and became a contractor remotely and was the first one ever to be allowed that because they found value in my work. My parents wanted to sell their place and they offered to take over my apartment so they can sell their place without being in their house so they can leave it all neat. I shipped a bunch of things to her place in Quebec, said goodbye to my family and friends, and went to be with her the end of August. At first, everything was good. The weather was still summer weather. I had trouble with French but she said I'd pick it up quickly and in 6 weeks I'll be able to converse somewhat with people. I even bought some French learning software similar to Rosetta Stone.

 

She wanted me to learn more about her business so she paid for me to do a course in Vegas for a week to learn the technique. It was also my birthday so she brought me to the Michael Jackson show (a great show by the way).Then we went to Arizona for a few days to see my family and friends, introduce her to my parents, and then back to Arizona for the remainder of the time and to get our plane back to Quebec. When seeing my parents, my mother was saying that I was a great son she trusts me and I am like a friend. Well, she means that she can depend on me and I would be there for her and my father. When leaving Quebec, I hugged my parents goodbye and my mom gave me a peck on the lips goodbye. Now, I thought it was normal and was for my exes as well, but that upset my girlfriend. She said that I have an unhealthy relationship with my parents and that she was upset when my mom gave me a kiss on the lips because she (my girlfriend) kisses those lips. I said I didn't think it was a big deal, it was a peck and many people do it. She said that she never kisses her father on the lips nor her mother. We got into a heated discussion about it and she said that she wanted me to talk to my mom about that and make sure it doesn't happen again. I felt uncomfortable with her telling me how to act with my parents. I looked it up online and some people find it weird and gross and others think it's normal. It all depends on how you were raised. So, I guessed it was a normal thing for her to get bothered about although the comment about my relationship being unhealthy wasn't right. She always told her her father was a drill sergeant when she was growing up and never showed her love and affection and her parents divorced when she was young. She was upset at her mom and didn't talk to her for 25 years. Had just reconnected 4 years prior to me meeting her.

 

Anyway, while we were in Vegas she saw a comment on one of the pictures I posted with her and my mother. The comment was from the ex that I told her I was friends with and she called my current girlfriend and mother very beautiful ladies. Also mentioned happy birthday and hope that the two of us are enjoying Vegas. That upset my girlfriend that my ex commented even though it was positive about her. She told me she wanted me to block/unfriend her. I told her that she's just a friend and there's no reason to. We don't even live in the same province (state). She said it made her uncomfortable. I said fine and told my ex that I have to remove her from Facebook but we still kept up on life happenings in email as that's our regular way of communicating for the past 10 years anyway. It helped to keep my grounded because I was really starting to hate Quebec. I hated that everything was in French, they make English citizens feel like second class citizens, many restaurants only have French menus and French waiters, people in stores like cashiers etc. don't speak English so I had trouble getting help. I tried to learn French but it takes time and I wanted to shove it in my brain. I would just vent to my friend (ex) about it and she would tell me to be patient and that I have my girlfriend to lean on for the language barrier.

 

About 2 weeks after we returned to Quebec in November, she was in the home office and it was 1 am. I was in bed wondering what she was doing in there so long on her computer. I grabbed my iPad and saw a message from her on Facebook about some table. I commented that it was nice and asked her what she was up to? She never responded and I surfed my iPad for another 40 minutes. I go to the office to give her a little playful "boo" to scare her as she's coming out and she shoves my phone at me which had my emails to my ex and started swearing at me. I, first of all, was pissed that she turned my phone on and went into my emails. My phone had been shut off because it wasn't yet activated but had WiFi. I felt like I wanted to bury myself. She was yelling and screaming and drinking some alcohol. She yelled that I should go back to Arizona and to my ex. I told her I don't want my ex and she can clearly see from the emails that it's nothing romantic. It's just me venting as I didn't want to keep saying how much I hate her town but did tell her that I wasn't happy with the Quebec and French situation previously to this night. She then smashed her glass in the sink, cutting her finger, and kept yelling and telling me off. I begged her to forgive me but it seemed she made up her mind and went to the basement. I just got a bunch of alcohol and drank almost a whole bottle. I wanted to numb the pain and stress of being in there. I figured I better start getting my plane ticket and would have to go a bunch of packing. I fell asleep on the couch after I sent an email to the ex telling her my girlfriend saw our emails and that she's pissed. She wrote back saying that there's nothing in the emails and that it's strictly platonic but she understood and we agreed to never speak again. So, we haven't talked since last November. The next morning my girlfriend woke me up and we talked and I apologized for still talking to my ex via email. I said I did block her on Facebook but she said that it was wrong for me to keep talking elsewhere. I agreed and apologized again and she showed me some random guy that messaged her on Facebook and that she has opportunities with other guys but chooses not to do anything about it and ignore them. Now, I was hungover so I couldn't respond to well but she was duped by some random French guy that contacted her on Facebook and acted like he liked her and then he was "stuck" in Africa and his daughter was sick and she never met him face to face but sent money out there to the tune of $8,000! So, it was really stupid of her to use that as leverage in the situation....anyway....

 

We made up and everything seemed fine although she still had trust issues with me. A friend of mine from high school was living there and I hadn't seen him for 21 years. I wanted to see him when I visited previously to coming up and do a double date with him and his fiance but my girlfriend didn't want to because we had to meet with her friends the night before and take a road trip two days after as well as he was getting married so his time was limited and would have been only able to do it that night. So, after talking with my friend in late November and trying to make plans for several weeks, we ended up finally setting a day to meet on the 19th of December. A week prior to that I was talking with my girlfriend at dinner and told her that I was going to meet up with my friend and she got quiet and said that she's going to have to go out that night because she doesn't want to be home alone as she's been home alone (single) for a while before meeting me. Now, I've told her that she can go out with her girlfriends but she said she doesn't have any, doesn't trust girlfriends because they've always betrayed her. So, I felt uncomfortable talking about going out with my friend and felt I had to justify that I haven't seen him for 21 years, he was a best friend from high school, he's moving back to Toronto in a few months etc. A week goes by and we are driving back home from the gym. She asks what we are going to have for dinner and I just said we can have some chicken, not remembering about meeting up with my friend. Later in the day I see the chicken thawing and it hits me that I won't be home that night as I'm going out to meet my friend. I still get the chicken ready and cut it up and marinate it. I then text her that I won't be home for dinner because I forgot about meeting with my friend. She immediately calls and sounds pissed. I told her I didn't remember but got the chicken seasoned and ready so she just has to sizzle it in a pan. She didn't say much and hung up. Prior to me leaving, she comes home and it looking angry and I'm feeling much tension in the air. She asks where I'm going with him and I tell her a jazz club/restaurant. She wanted the name and address just in case something happens to me. I give it to her and feel very awkward and tense.

 

I went out and met my friend. It was a good time and when I came back home about midnight to see she had her light on except once I opened the door she shut it off and pretended to sleep. I went to bed and the next day saw a long email from her that said not to open it until the 25th. It was about things I'm doing wrong as in I was supposed to pay rent on the 15th and it was the 19th but that's because I have to transfer money from my US account to another US account that's owned by a Canadian bank so I can transfer it to the Canadian bank and then pay her. I should have done that earlier so that was my fault on that. By the way, she never did tell me I would be paying rent. She mentioned the car payment and I figured I'd be paying that, food, entertainment, gas. My fault though, I should have asked more questions but didn't expect she would try to charge what I was paying in my own place in Arizona? I wanted to help her because she complained about money being slow so I helped her. I also paid for her cable/internet/phone because I had to have my name on a bill to get my driver's license. The cost of that was double what I was paying in AZ. I know I'm throwing money numbers around and it's not about that but just giving all the facts. I'm not stingy and want to help as couples do that, share expense. I also created two new websites for her two areas of her business and helped her out with her IT issues that she would have at work. She said it was costing her $400/mo for IT help and I fixed that. One of her sites, that was horribly done, said overall that cost her $10,000. She would call me all day long for IT help while I'm still working for the government remotely, doing their website.

 

Anyway, saying that I'm like a zombie and that I don't appear that I want to be there. That she would give me a gift and I wouldn't get excited but would say thanks and not seem enthusiastic. I think I was just worn down from French Quebec, the fact that she made me uncomfortable about doing anything that doesn't involve her, and was getting into a state of depression as I had no friends or family and felt isolated. I didn't want to get into that letter with her as I was "supposed" to not have read it. I wrote a long rebuttal letter because I was pissed that she did that. I never ended up showing her that letter because on the 25th she said "We need to talk" and we went over that whole letter and I spoke my part about it and my rebuttals were things she didn't remember about and I said I have to be able to have freedom to go out with friends once in a while and that my buddy wants to go back to our hometown of Toronto where his brother is, another friend of mine as we all went to high school together as well as my other best friend from high school is there (the one I was supposed to go to Vegas with). I said I still plan on going to Vegas months into the future and she has to accept that. She said she won't like it but will deal with it. That didn't give me high hopes.

 

It's now New Years Eve and I haven't seen my family since mid-October but we are in her sister's place, a really small town in Quebec. The holidays are hard for me, not to mention it's -8F with tons of snow and where I'm from it's 73F. I was depressed and everyone was talking French with some sprinkles of English mixed in. I felt so alone. When the ball drops I hug everyone but they could see I'm down. My girlfriend was pissed because everyone was asking if I was mad at them. She took me aside and said that she clearly can see I don't want to be here and I have two choices, I can stay and learn French or leave. I thought that was unfair and was going with the latter.

 

The next morning she wanted to talk again and said I can talk to her sister about depression since her sister went through it being she went to school in Texas and came back up there to a small town in rural Quebec. Her sister told me to take some vitamins and her dad gave me some others that will help me. Said winter is only a few more months but it was a combination of everything. My girlfriend wanted to take the vacation in January because we couldn't in October, did the class, couldn't in November because of things with her business and couldn't in December because of cost and no one to watch her dogs but I wanted to go back home to Arizona. I mean, it's a warm place with resorts so we could make a vacation of it and I could see the familiar and see friends/family. Her sister said that would be best for me. After we left her sister's place she was trying to change it and go on a tropical vacation instead but I insisted on going back home to see my family. Going to a tropical place won't do that. She reluctantly agreed. I wanted to go shortly after the new year but she said she couldn't leave because she had to do some things with her business. I told her I could go earlier and she can come down after. She asked me when I would want to go because she won't be able to go until the 22nd. I said I could go a little earlier. She said, "WHEN ARE YOU PLANNING ON GOING!!!???" in an angry tone and I felt uncomfortable and said the 14th. She started yelling saying that I'm going to be down there a week before and when would I leave? I said a week after she arrives and she said that I can't be down there that long but I could. My job was there and I could easily just go into the office and work. They never did anything with my desk and my computer is the one I log into remotely. I ended up going when she could go which changed to the 27th, almost a whole month after the depression New Years Eve incident because she had to go to California the following week and wanted to kill two birds.

 

We get to Arizona and we go out to dinner. After we get back to the apartment (my parents still had the house so I stayed at my old apartment still furnished with my furniture) she says, "I haven't smoked in 3 weeks. It's that great?" She smokes once in a while but usually once a week. I said, "Good. I wish you would just do that permanently." Then shd gets pissed and said that I always have to give a stupid comment! That I should just compliment her on what she did. I told her I don't need to compliment her on a negative act but comment on the fact that I want her healthy and stick around longer with our lives. I thought it was over when we were inside but she comes into the bedroom and starts arguing again and I told her that she needs to stop being so confrontational.

 

The next day she had trouble accessing her money because of her Quebec bank was blocking some cashier's checks from being cleared. She was on the phone constantly with the bank and said she's dropping them when she gets back. I said she should because they gave me problems too. That evening I told my boss that I would be at work on Friday and told her that I would be going on Friday. I told her earlier in the week that she can drive my car when I'm at work (my car was still there too). Friday she still didn't access her money but it was "supposedly" going to happen that day but she was getting restless and I was getting ready to go to work. She then looked at me and said she hated me right then. That she's going through stuff with her bank and she's thinking of having kids with me one day and buying a $900K house with me and if there's something that goes wrong with the kids I'll just act like I don't care? That I'm going to work and she's upset that she's not getting her money as well as she was going to California on Sunday. I told her I could lend her some money and to just go to a spa and enjoy her day as she'll have the car also and that it's ONE DAY that she can keep herself busy for a few hours while I see my co-workers and grab lunch and reconnect. She then starts banging her hand on the counter and saying that I should be consoling her and telling her everything is going to be okay but instead I'm just letting her talk with the bank and not doing that. I said that everything will be okay and that I said she can have some money and a car and she said she feels trapped there. Like how I am in Quebec. I said it's not the same thing as she's in a sunny place, no snow or dismal winter, has a car to get around and I'm giving her money to have a play day in a spa. She banged her hand hard on the counter and then I lost it and banged my hand on the counter and screamed that she needs to stop pushing my buttons all the time! After things calm down, she takes me to work and we are barely talking but she she apologizes for losing her cool because she feels upset about her money. I said it's okay and went to the bank and gave her $800 for the day to play and pay me back later. She calls me about 2 hours later that her money was released and she's going shopping until she drops but gave me my money back minus some she used to grab breakfast. She also got me a nice ring in the process.

 

The next week she goes to California and we talk every day and then she had to go to Vegas to negotiate a deal there too. One evening my parents were visiting and she was talking a bit with me but I didn't want to be rude as well as my girl was going to dinner so we said we'd chat later. My parents left about 30 minutes later. She texted me a few hours later but I had lay down and fell asleep. She got pissed that there was no response and said, "Oh well think of your mother's feelings and not mine!" I saw the texts the next morning and again, I screwed up! I called her to apologize and we made up. I made sure I didn't miss her texts again while she was away.

 

Later we head back to Quebec and each morning she wants me to stay in bed with her until we both get up. Many times she wants to fool around but sometimes I'm just ready to get up. Each time I get up before her she just says come back to bed and I do. One morning she got up to let her dogs out. I get up afterwards and go to the bathroom. Then I just go in the shower and she comes in the bathroom and gives me a dirty look. She said that I should have advised her that I was getting up and it was inconsiderate that I didn't tell her. I said that I didn't know I had to advise her but she said that's what couples do and that I've been a single guy too long to realize that. Now, I know that's not true and tell her I don't like her control issues with that, telling me that I can't go on a trip until she's ready etc. She just says that to tell her if I'm getting up. So, every morning up there I always feel like I can't get up without her permission?? If I tell her I'm getting up she gets upset and asks me to come back to bed but if she needs to get up for her gym or to do something for her dad, she does and I don't say anything because it doesn't bother me.

 

A month later I decide I want to ship some things down to Arizona because I don't like how things are going in the relationship but the stupid UPS office in Quebec is giving me grief to ship across the border so I send it to Toronto and go to the UPS store there and they say, no problem. I send my major stuff down so that if I want to leave I don't have to worry about losing everything. I used it as a mini 4 day trip to see my two high school friends I didn't get to see since I've been there. One morning I was in need of food for breakfast and my girlfriend called me for some IT help to change the homepage of her browser and add a program to her status bar? Like that couldn't have waited for me to return? I logged into her PC and did it but needed to eat breakfast as I was feeling very depleted and needed food in my stomach. I tell her I need breakfast and get off the phone. She called again for something trivial and I said okay, I have to get going and get breakfast. She said okay and I hung up and I get something to eat. I came back to the hotel and went to sleep for 2 hours as I had a pounding headache. I put my phone on silent but wake up to see multiple texts from her. Also she said she called my parents and that they are worried about me. My parents didn't even know I was going to Toronto and she was calling them to get my friend's phone numbers. That upset me!

 

I find out later, she thought I was with my ex and that's why I was unavailable for 2 hours! Yeesh! She told me that her 4 previous boyfriends all cheated on her and went back to their exes. So she's a little messed up on that. What???

 

One night, she noticed I was distant. We were watching a movie and she asked me to pause it. I just said that I don't think we are working out and I want to head back to Arizona, I'm sorry. I know her business will do well but I can't stay here. Constantly telling me to take vitamins for depression isn't going to help me living here. She got angry and starting calling me names and giving me all the F bombs. Saying she's doing everything and I'm not doing anything for the relationship. Then she banged a counter again and I banged it back and she said, "Do you want me to call the police? I can call the police! You are in my town, you are in Quebec now!" That freaked me out! I started drinking to dull the pain. She was already drinking and left the room crying. Then got dressed and headed to her office down the road to check things because her office was broken into the previous morning. I was unsure of what to do and the "call the police" words rang in my head so I packed up my clothes and my computer and called a cab and left to a hotel to go back to Arizona. She called me several hours later saying she couldn't believe I left like that and took my stuff. We talked for a while and she said she wanted to hold me and loved me and wanted me to come home. I told her to meet me at the hotel lobby and we had breakfast and talked. I decided to try again and never left. Just went back to her house.

 

Fast forward, my parents sell their house and need my help for moving. She gets upset and says that there goes her vacation time again. When I'm in Arizona, my company wants me back and they are planning on hiring outside the office but would prefer me in there as they like my design work and I know the business already. I tell them I'll come back because otherwise, they eliminate expire my contract and I'll be out of work. I tell my girlfriend and she's furious because she wanted me to wait another 3 months so we travel together. We break up and I think it's over. The next day we talk and make amends but she wants me to return. I tell her I feel like just staying in Arizona and she can come down when she's ready. I told her to come down for a vacation or we can take the tropical vacation from Arizona. She said that she has stuff with the business and can't leave. Also, the Fiat and Jeep she put in my name because she wanted the house in her name shortly after I got there. Now, I had to go back to clear that up even though I could just start back with my office. I told them I'll be back but worked remotely for another 2 1/2 weeks in Quebec. I felt really smothered because she didn't give me much space when I was there. I guess her definition of space was that she would go to work but call me a bunch of times to help her out with IT stuff but she wasn't "in the house". She would tell me "I love you" 20 times a day and want me to tell her how much I love her every single time. I went back to take the registration out of my name and back in hers as she wanted to sell the cars. She kept putting off getting the car registration done because something always came up. She would get upset asking why I'm pushing to get it done and I said because it has to get done before I leave. The question was, why was she trying to delay getting it done? After a week and a half I say we have to do it the next day first thing, no ifs ands or buts! The next morning I get up to go and she asks why I'm up so early (8 am) and I tell her we need to get the registration taken care of. She just says, "Oh come on! Come back to bed! They don't open until 9:30!" I looked online and it said 8:30 but it's hard to tell since the site was in French and their locations all had different times like 8/8:30/9 but I figured it's her town and she must know and go back to bed even though I was awake but didn't want to get her mad. Afterwards, we get to the office at 9:50 and on the door it says they opened at 8:30! There was a 2 hour wait! However, since the cars are business vehicles we were able to go to another section and were seen right away, luckily!

 

I'm now back in Arizona and in my office. I lost 20lbs since going up there as my stress and depression made me lose weight as I wasn't eating. I hardly eat here now as I don't know what I should do. Everyone says I look skinnier whereas I was also the "buff guy" around everyone. She plans on coming here on the 14th for the summer as a prelude to moving here permanently as she'll go back in September for a week but plans on coming back and staying here for good. Starting her business over here also.

 

Writing all this is like therapy because there is a lot I didn't remember until I started writing. I know she loves me and keeps telling me a bunch of times a day that she loves me and do I love her. That she misses me and do I miss her. It's like she's forcing me to say it all day long and I do care about her but I can't see a future for us. I mean, I can't see myself getting married to her as she wants to get married and have kids but when there are problems in a relationship before marriage, marriage doesn't make things better...it usually makes it worse! I just feel so bad about thinking of breaking up because I know she loves me and she wants to be here in the sun and enjoy things here. She talks about laying by the pool, taking a motorcycle course for her birthday here, going to this nice breakfast place we have, and not having to worry about snow anymore. However, it feels like am thinking more about her enjoyment than my happiness but still find it hard to end it because I know she loves me and I don't want to hurt her.

[Mr.Pine]

You had me at Quebec since I was born in Montreal.

 

You lost me with any other word besides the word Quebec.

 

Learn to summarize and/or encapsulate.

 

No one is going to read that novel.

[Downtown]

Fitguy, welcome to the LoveShack forum. It sounds like you may have dodged a bullet. You are describing some of the warning signs for a PD (personality disorder). Significantly, I'm NOT suggesting that your exGF has a full-blown disorder but, rather, that she might be exhibiting PD traits well above the normal level. All PDs are called "spectrum disorders" because everyone has these traits to some degree. Many people have the traits at a moderate to strong level even though they are not so severe as to constitute the full-blown disorder.

 

Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., vengeful, confrontational, verbally abusive, neediness, rapid flips from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you), jealous, insecure, very controlling, always being "The Victim," and quick to throw a temper tantrum -- are classic red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has.

 

She said, "Do you want me to call the police? I can call the police! You are in my town, you are in Quebec now!"

You are describing behavior that arises from what is called "black-white thinking" (aka "splitting"). BPDers (i.e., those having strong traits) are notorious for exhibiting B-W thinking. It is evident in the way they categorize everyone (including themselves) as "all good" or "all bad." And they will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or infraction (real or imagined).

 

The result is that it is common for a BPDer to suddenly perceive her BF as Hitler incarnate and have him arrested and thrown into jail. At the end of my 15 year marriage, my BPDer exW did that to me. She called the police and had me thrown into jail on a bogus charge which -- in her distorted perception -- seemed true to her at the time.

 

I told her I don't want my ex and she can clearly see from the emails that it's nothing romantic....She then smashed her glass in the sink, cutting her finger, and kept yelling and telling me off.

If she has strong BPD traits, this jealous behavior is to be expected. Because BPDers are incapable of trusting and very fearful of abandonment, they typically exhibit strong irrational jealousy. In an attempt to prevent abandonment, they become very controlling, which is much easier to accomplish if you don't have friends or family around to support you. It therefore is common for BPDers to attempt to isolate you away from all close friends and family members.

 

My exW, for example, was so insecure that she felt threatened if I looked at another woman for 3/4 of a second instead of a half a second. She was jealousy of a childhood friend of mine who was like a sister to me. At my exW's insistence, I stopped writing to my old friend. My exW was jealous of time I spent with my parents and sister. She absolutely hated my foster son. And she was even jealous of the fact that her own children were so fond of me. Hence, if your exGF is a BPDer, it is not surprising that she reacted so negatively to your mother's kiss, your emails to an Ex, and desire to visit old childhood friends.

 

She still had trust issues with me.

As I said above, that lack of trust is to be expected if she has strong BPD traits. Because BPDers are emotionally unstable and lack a strong sense of who they are, they never learned to trust themselves. Until they are able to do that, they will be incapable of trusting anyone else who gets close to them.

 

Of course, only a professional can diagnose your exGF to determine whether she actually has full-blown BPD. Spotting the warning signs, however, is not difficult when you've been dating someone for a year. There is nothing subtle about signs such as strong verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and irrational jealousy.

 

I therefore suggest you take a few minutes to look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, you may want to read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread. It that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Fitguy.

[Allumere]

Dude, go back read your story...if you randomly were to read that on a web page as someone elses story what would you do?

 

You are in an abusive controlling relationship. GTFO. I don't know the details of BPD but that was also my initial thought. This woman will not change. Every problem in her life will be your fault. You will always be scrutinized, critized and controlled. THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE. I see no love in this relationship. I see a very unhealthy attachment....cut bait and run son. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship that requires you to walk on eggshells; carrying guilt for something YOU SHOULDN"T FEEL guilty about. Holy smokes brutha, I really just want to slap you across the face and say "WAKE UP!"

 

Whew, I feel better now.

[fitguy]

You had me at Quebec since I was born in Montreal.

 

You lost me with any other word besides the word Quebec.

 

Learn to summarize and/or encapsulate.

 

No one is going to read that novel.

 

Ha, well I can have diarrhea of the fingers when I'm explaining. I felt like if it was too general then it would be hard to give a proper reply and will ask for more details but there are no more necessary. I even left some things out.

[fitguy]

Thank you Downtown. What you wrote makes a lot of sense and after I wrote that "novel", all that stuff came back to me. When I didn't do that, she would call and ask all sweet and I would forget about what I went through. Now I remember!

[fitguy]

Dude, go back read your story...if you randomly were to read that on a web page as someone elses story what would you do?

 

You are in an abusive controlling relationship. GTFO. I don't know the details of BPD but that was also my initial thought. This woman will not change. Every problem in her life will be your fault. You will always be scrutinized, critized and controlled. THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE. I see no love in this relationship. I see a very unhealthy attachment....cut bait and run son. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship that requires you to walk on eggshells; carrying guilt for something YOU SHOULDN"T FEEL guilty about. Holy smokes brutha, I really just want to slap you across the face and say "WAKE UP!"

 

Whew, I feel better now.

 

Oh, I did read my story again and got more and more pissed with each paragraph. It all came flooding back to me and I realize I was an idiot for thinking that these were my issues! She would never change and I know I have to pull the trigger and end this once and for all. She will not come down and make my life a living hell over here, no sir! I slapped myself across the face for you! Thanks for the input and thanks for the forum where I could write out and realize that how I've been in a cloud these last few weeks! :eek:

[Greeneyegemini]

Mr. Pine...haha.

 

I actually did read that novel, it was very detailed. Although I probably wouldnt have started if I had scrolled through and saw how long it actually was. I just read what I saw on the screen...scrolled down and was like... OH there's more....THERES MORE!!! AND MORE!! AND MORE!! Then boom 30 minutes later I was done.

 

But yeah. She doesn't seem to care too much about how you feel at all, or your happiness. I was an awesome girlfriend and I got ditched...why should she get to keep her boyfriend?! Ha..that was totally my bitterness speaking.

[fitguy]

Mr. Pine...haha.

 

I actually did read that novel, it was very detailed. Although I probably wouldnt have started if I had scrolled through and saw how long it actually was. I just read what I saw on the screen...scrolled down and was like... OH there's more....THERES MORE!!! AND MORE!! AND MORE!! Then boom 30 minutes later I was done.

 

But yeah. She doesn't seem to care too much about how you feel at all, or your happiness. I was an awesome girlfriend and I got ditched...why should she get to keep her boyfriend?! Ha..that was totally my bitterness speaking.

 

LOL, yeah it was crazy to write so much but when I started I couldn't stop and then realized as I was writing that the little "niceties" that I'm hearing over the phone that was clouding my judgement made me forget all this garbage I went through and it was very therapeutic writing it. Gave me the strength to cut the ties easily!

[fitguy]

 

I therefore suggest you take a few minutes to look at my list of BPD red flags at 18 Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, you may want to read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread.

 

I read the other threads and holy cow! It's describing her to a tee!

[fitguy]

Ex wrote me again. Broke up with her a few weeks ago and she had sent her goodbye email stating that she still feels we can make it work in my environment (my city) and she just wanted a chance to prove that but guesses that I didn't think so. So she'll let me go and goodbye.

 

I replied with a goodbye email of my own. I stated that we both had our issues in the relationship as I've said in previous emails and accepted that I had fault of not talking to her when there was something bothering me because I was worried about her getting upset and learned to just not say anything to provoke an argument. That, in turn, would withdraw me. I also stated that we jumped in with both feet and did state that she did have a lot of positive qualities (stated the qualities such as affectionate, generous, etc.) but that I need a relationship that has love, affections, trust in me, and freedom to be myself without any control since I know she never fully trusted me and tried to control the relationship even though she doesn't think she did. I was thinking that was it.

 

Then she wrote back saying her dad was a control freak and she rebelled and left that and would never want me to feel that way because she didn't want to. Also said that the opposite of control is being insecure and she was because I was not opening up to me, not showing feelings for me, emotions or physical contact unless I asked or initiated it and that made her insecure and frustrated especially I needed more of you to calm her down from the situations she was living stress wise. Saying that if I show her more she would be more secure and less after me?

 

She wants us to be happy that’s all fixable after all this talking and wants us to give it a chance and set up at my place and be given a chance to prove it in a better environment. I wouldn't really want her to just move into my place? She also said she plans on coming to my city the two last weeks of July for AZ and wants to at least try something light? She said that if she was only bad and had no positive in her then would understand me running 100 miles away but that she has a lot of good in her and the willingness to change because she loves me but wants me to help her too.

 

Now, is it just me or should I be the one to keep making her feel secure or should she feel secure on her own? Is it my job to calm her down from her life situations? I keep re-reading this thread and she is saying she's willing to work make things work and change but I feel it just wouldn't go anywhere. I'm still single and trying to move on and her emails just keep on pulling me back emotionally. How is her being here for 2 weeks going to change anything? She does have a lot of good qualities such as being generous (although uses that look what I did for you stuff), affectionate (although a bit smothery), ambitious with her own company and good looking. Loneliness can blur our reality of what we should do. I mean, I have no kids and neither does she. We are the same age and have similar interests. I have zero interest in dating right now or seeing anyone new and weekends are the most difficult when you are alone. Part of me just wants to be alone and do my own thing right now such as workout and get myself back to where I was as well as take some new skills to enhance my job. I kind of do want to just start fresh later on and have a new relationship with someone else that doesn't have any kids and has similar interests along with being more gentle and not get upset so easily. It seems harder and harder to find which starts to make me think about if I gave this a shot and communicate with her more about issues (such as stopping the smothering, jealousy, possessiveness, anger or any control issues) so that we can make it work? Can people like this change?

[Downtown]

Fitguy, thanks for returning to give us an update. I was wondering how you are doing.

She said that the opposite of control is being insecure....

No, control is not the opposite of insecurity. Rather, control goes hand in hand with insecurity because insecure people tend to be very controlling of others. When a person feels very insecure, she will try to control her environment so as to reduce her fears. BPDers, for example, try to control their loved ones to prevent the abandonment and engulfment they are so fearful of.

 

She said... I was not opening up to me, not showing feelings for me, emotions or physical contact unless I asked or initiated it and that made her insecure and frustrated especially I needed more of you to calm her down from the situations she was living stress wise. Saying that if I show her more she would be more secure and less after me?

If she has strong BPD traits as you believe, she has such a weak self image that her subconscious mind will protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes that by projecting all hurtful thoughts and painful feelings onto YOU. Because this occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will truly believe -- at the conscious level -- that these thoughts and feelings are originating with YOU, not her.

 

In this way, a BPDer is able to avoid taking responsibility for her own shortcomings -- e.g., her inability to do self soothing, inability to control her own impulses (like the $8,000 gift to an online stranger), and her feelings of insecurity. Moreover, because these projections are created subconsciously, she is able to avoid feeling any guilt about her refusal to take responsibility for her own bad behavior and bad choices. Because projection offer this guilt-free feature, it is the primitive ego defense that BPDers rely on most heavily. The result, as you've already seen, is that she has been able to walk away guilt-free from four other BFs. She is firmly convinced that all four of them are to blame for the breakups. Similarly, when you make it clear that your recent breakup is permanent, she will start talking about the FIVE exBFs who all treated her so badly.

 

Now, is it just me or should I be the one to keep making her feel secure or should she feel secure on her own? Is it my job to calm her down from her life situations?

Clearly, you already know the answers to those two questions.

 

She does have a lot of good qualities such as being generous, ... affectionate, ...ambitious with her own company and good looking.

Most of the female BPDers I've known are wonderful, caring people for the most part. Each of them "has a lot of good in her," as you say. My experience is that BPDers exhibit a warmth and purity of expression that is otherwise seen only in young children. They therefore are VERY easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

Her emails just keep on pulling me back emotionally.

One of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship is the push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle (which I discuss in the thread I mentioned above). Significantly, the pull-you-back phase is so powerful that the ex-partners of BPDers call is "Hoovering" -- i.e., they named it after the vacuum cleaner known for the strength of its suction. One of the reasons it is so difficult to resist this powerful suction is that you know you are only minutes away from great make-up sex if you decide to reunite.

 

How is her being here for 2 weeks going to change anything? Can people like this change?

The problem is not that she cannot change but, rather, that she likely will keep changing every 3 or 4 weeks. Like smokers who are "always quitting," BPDers typically are seen dramatically improving every few weeks. What you are seeing, however, is not a lasting improvement but, instead, only another upswing in the roller coaster ride. Hence, if she has strong BPD traits as you believe, she is emotionally unstable. This means that the flips between Jekyll and Hyde will keep occurring unless she spends several years (at least) in intensive therapy to learn how to control her own emotions. Sadly, it is rare for a BPDer to stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference.

 

If I gave this a shot and communicate with her more about issues (such as stopping the smothering, jealousy, possessiveness, anger or any control issues) so that we can make it work?

No, if she has strong BPD traits, her issues are far more serious than a simple lack of communication skills. This is why MC usually is a total waste of time until the BPDer has had several years of intensive therapy to learn the emotional skills she had no opportunity to learn during her childhood years. Further, TRUST is the foundation on which all adult LTRs must be built if they are to be successful and lasting. An untreated BPDer will be incapable of trusting you because, until she learns how to trust herself, she will be unable to trust anyone else who draws close to her. This means that you can never trust HER because she can turn on you -- with a vengeance -- at any time. And this means you have no foundation on which to base a marriage or close friendship.

[fitguy]

Thanks for the input Downtown. It's good to get a proper perspective when you are feeling weak and wanting to go back to the familiar when you are alone and not wanting to hurt the other person but going back to them...even when you feel deep down it would be a mistake. I made a mistake in my text when I said:

 

She said... I was not opening up to me, not showing feelings for me, emotions or physical contact unless I asked or initiated it and that made her insecure and frustrated especially I needed more of you to calm her down from the situations she was living stress wise. Saying that if I show her more she would be more secure and less after me?

 

I was putting the wrong "person" in there as it should have been:

 

She said... I was not opening up to her, not showing feelings for her, emotions or physical contact unless she asked or initiated it and that made her insecure and frustrated especially since she needed more of me to calm her down from the situations she was living stress wise. Saying that if I show her more she would be more secure and less after me?

 

I still haven't written her back but almost was thinking that if she comes down that maybe I'll meet with her and see what happens. I know, what happens is she'll rope me back in with a great personality and such if I did see her. Then try to get her way back into my life because she knows that I would feel like we have to try again. It would just be the same thing all over again. I really need to get out and just completely shut it off and no longer be in contact. I had gotten off Facebook (deactivated my account) and she knew it and thought I blocked her as she texted me upset that I did it the night I broke up with her but I told her I didn't block her but deactivated the account. I didn't get back on there until recently and she emailed me a photo of one she did in a photoshoot as she looked really pretty in that (probably trying to show what I'm missing out on) and all the people commented how beautiful she was. Then all the rest of her photoshoot pictures showed up in my timeline. They were nicely done and she looked really good in them and that was also weakening me into giving it another shot. I know there's more to a relationship than good looks of course.

 

TRUST is definitely the foundation to a healthy relationship. If she trusted me, she would not have dug into my phone and email, not gone into my text on my phone another time, and not automatically assume I was cheating as the reason for this breakup. I'm single, alone and don't even have interest in dating. I see attractive women out there and it does nothing for me? Hoping this feeling passes quickly!

[Allumere]

DO NOT GO BACK.

 

I know its hard. I am not one who takes the hard line stance of always shutting a door but based on the experiences you documented here I say shut that door, lock it and throw the key away. I don't doubt that you have feelings and are tempted by her beauty, talents and other qualities...it is easy to think things weren't so bad when you are lonely. No really, they were worse.

 

She has a boat ton of work to do before she would be acceptable as relationship material and 2 weeks won't even put a scratch in the clear coat. She is worthy of love, we all are, but not from you and certainly not now. She needs to love herself and learn how to trust. It takes most of us a lifetime and she is just getting started..that is a lot of reprogramming going against the grain of a probably personality disorder.