Heartbroken_84 Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 So I was in a relationship with this guy for 2 years and a few days ago he told me he didn't want to be with me any more. He actually also broke up with me about 8 months ago but we got back together because i the desperado that i am pleaded with him and kept pestering him to change his mind, trying to make him see he made the wrong decision. Then last month we had a fight which basically got so heated and we both lost our temper. It was me just acting jealous over something really silly and having a go at him and him getting really angry at me. I was staying with him during this time and had to move out because he said that after our exam that was it, over and he'd had enough. I do feel that was my fault to be honest, it was a few days before our last exam so i shouldn't have picked a fight with him ( we were mature students in final year at uni) I was really devastated and was hysterical because it was a day before our final exam and i just couldn't focus or concentrate, i was messaging him and calling him crying saying how could he have been so cruel. His response was i was equally as cruel for fighting with him before exam, he said that there was always drama during exam times but my response to that was that it wasn't unprovoked and that it was because of the way he responded to me when we had a disagreement. He would be so cold and really mean which would upset me so much. Anyway, sorry to go on here but basically after the last exam I was so upset and couldn't go out with the year to celebrate because he would be there and i was just too depressed. He didn't care though and went out enjoyed himself partying the next few days while I moved back home because i couldn't deal with it. After few days of not speaking we got in touch and he was apologetic but said he thinks it would be best if we did break up as he couldn't deal with all the arguments and he wasn't happy. I was so gutted. I pleaded and said cant we just give it time and said i wanted to go up and see him so we could talk and sort things out. He didn't think it was a good idea but i insisted so he said okay. I ended up staying with him for 5 days and it was like we were back together, i assumed we were because we were intimate and he was just so nice to me, it was like we usually were. When i left to go home i was so happy because i thought we are finally back on track. BUT then he changed the way he was talking to me when i came home and i knew something was up so i asked him, he said that he never said we were back together and that we were just seeing how things went. That really confused me and messed my head up because I had assumed we were back to normal after the 5 days I had spent with him, especially because he asked ,me to stay on an extra few days with him. I am so embarrassed to say this but i actually lost the plot and went crazy. He got good results for his exams that night and i got drunk started sending him crazy horrible messages that night AND THE FOLLOWING DAY, and i mean ALL DAY. Stuff like 'i hate u i never want to speak to u again, im going to drink all day to numb the pain; etc OMG. U would think it doesn't get any worse than this, BUT wait it does. I then wake up the day after that and the realisation of what i did kicked in and i felt sick, was mortified so i txt him apologising saying how i was so drunk and i didnt know what i was doing i wasnt in my senses pls forgive me etc. I asked him could he just forget about what i did and could we just go back to giving it time and i promised that i would give him space for few weeks. He didnt reply and i kept on messaging him. On the final day (day 3) i woke up with the fear again, you would think i learnt from my mistakes by now but i didn't, shame on me. I txt him again asking him if we could go back to just seeing how things go if i gave him space and he eventually replied saying he was sorry but it was just too much, that he wanted to try and see how it goes initially but that i wouldn't allow that so he doesn't want to be in relationship any more, that there's just too much drama and his feelings have changed towards me. I get why he said that because of the way i acted, and we have had our fair share of arguments but I honestly thought there were so many good and positives to the relationship too, i was so loving and caring towards him and i know he was happy a lot of the time, but for some reason he got so freaked out by arguments and me being emotional that he wanted to run off every time. I basically lost all my dignity and respect on the final day of contact. I pleaded and begged on another level and just came across so pathetic and weak and needy. It makes me sick! I said things like i couldn't breathe properly, that i was having palpitations, said how could you do this to me, why don't you love me. You name it i said it. I must have honestly no exaggeration here sent around 200 messages a day that weekend, so for 72 hours straight. I was basically having a conversation with myself because he wouldn't reply a lot of the time. When he did reply it was basically pleading with me to leave him alone that i had to just accept it etc. When i wouldn't listen he obviously had to start being nasty and then that just upset me even more. Eugh it was horrible. One minute I would be apologising and being nice, then i would be angry, then i would be pleading and begging. PATHETIC So woke up next day (day 4) and decided that i was gona start No Contact and its been 2 days now. OMG its so hard!! I am having a hard time forgiving myself for my crazy behaviour but part of me knows deep down that even though it was me it wasnt me if you know what i mean. I know i am responsible for my actions but i feel like i was pushed to the brink of a nervous breakdown by the way he was towards me, so cold with no emotion. Do you think by not contacting him now i can repair some of the damage i have caused? I would hate for him to remember me as the 'crazy ex' especially since i was so nice to him and fairly normal during the 2 years we were together. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Do you think by not contacting him now i can repair some of the damage i have caused? I would hate for him to remember me as the 'crazy ex' especially since i was so nice to him and fairly normal during the 2 years we were together. I don't think time will repair the damage but more so it will be forgotten as you both move on. It feels intense now as it is fresh but that will change. And seeing that he is unemotional, he probably isn't even thinking about it and is going about his day to day. You feel this way because you are deeply affected. I don't believe that there is any chance of reconciliation here, if you desire it. I think that bridge has been burned. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 Welcome to LoveShack! Only time will tell if he comes around again. You are doing the right thing by going NC in order to heal yourself. NC is for you not to get him back. You were scary emotional in your response to him which I think you know by now. After he broke up with you it seems that you were the one who was making all of the contact. When someone breaks up with you it is best not to respond and if they want you back it is up to them to beg you back and make it up to you. I wish you luck in your healing because I know it is not easy. Was he your first love? Post here as much as you like as you will get helpful insight. (((HUGS))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tlee007 Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 OMG girl. I did the same thing. have u seen my self respect? anyone? I actually signed up because of your post. what are going to do! I feel like such a loser psycho. and I wasn't even drunk when I sent him venomous words of hate. but I bet u he thought I was. I'm obsessed. after fours year and an engagement then living separately and then a promise of a " reset" button I lost my ****. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 He actually also broke up with me about 8 months ago but we got back together because i the desperado that i am pleaded with him and kept pestering him to change his mind, trying to make him see he made the wrong decision. I learned this lesson too!!! Mine lasted 6 months. It was borrowed time!! Once they decide... let them go. The reconciliation will be short lived and only postpones the inevitable. I won't do that again 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 Thanks guys I really appreciate your comments and advice!!! I think even though I did act scary emotional, i am hoping that in time he will know that it was just a really bad reaction because I didn't want to let go and couldn't accept it. And the reason I couldn't accept it was because I thought we had something really special and good between us despite the arguments. I just think they weren't dealt with the right way. That aside I am not excusing my scary behaviour but I know that there is a strong woman inside me and at least it was only 3 or 4 days of messaging and not weeks or even months! Even the strongest people crack do they not!?? I don't want to get back together because its just so exhausting and painful loving someone when its not reciprocated. I know that deep down as sad as it is I have to move on and let him go. Without sounding like I am being big headed (because i am honestly not i'm really down to earth) but i think he was doing well for himself to be with me and i dont just mean appearance wise because i know that that isnt important, i just mean the attention i paid him and how nice i was to him. I never held grudges always let things go and was so positive about our relationship. He was quite negative about it and always focused on the arguments. He has issues with his dad and hasn't spoken to him in 10 years so I know that was the reason for his coldness and emotionless behaviour. The thing is though I accepted his flaws but I don't think he was ready or mature enough to accept mine. When we argued it scared him off which is fine but I know that there are men out there that wouldn't be scared off by emotions and that would be able to deal with their girlfriend saying things to them without getting so annoyed or defensive, especially if it was something silly. He could never diffuse a situation and would get angry and treat me like his enemy, it was just crazy tbh a bit like my behaviour last few days! I definitely have issues there with rejection though and I think thats why i went a tad psycho and did the whole begging and pleading thing. Its like u lose all ure senses and your not that person. I mean to send someone 100s of messages begging them when they arent even replying!! Yuck how could i degrade myself! My mum thinks its also because my confidence and self-esteem has been given a huge knock during the relationship which probably has something to do with it! I am so happy that I have found this forum and can share my feelings with you kind people! I just hope that I get over him and don't lose all hope and trust in men! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 *and trust in myself for that matter! I need to stop taking it so personally!!!!!!! How do you do that though?? How do you stop feeling so crappy about yourself and tormenting yourself thinking 'what's wrong with me' and 'why didn't he love me enough' etc? How do guys just switch their feelings for someone they loved for a long time? Its mental how they do that I wish I could block things out! Link to post Share on other sites
emotionalMess Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) Its easy to stop asking those questions once you realize he does not care. If he does not care then f** him, someone else will. Believe me you are worth it. Look into self-compassion and start being nice to yourself. Stop beating yourself down, be your own best friend - it works. Self-Compassion is the cornerstone of Self-Esteem. This lady is an expert. He moved on so you must too. The crazy stuff? That is more normal than crazy for those in the shock stage you are in. Its gonna be tough for you but you have to leave this crap in the past and dont look back. It is shocking to know that he does not care but it is true. Don't waste time wondering why or what you could have or should have done or not done. You are who you are and if he doesn't love you for you, then its his loss. Really, you will see it this way soon but you cannot dwell. Have a set time to grieve, after that have a breakup party with friends or some other method to mark this milestone to signify you are on your way. Edited June 18, 2014 by emotionalMess 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 Thank you so so much emotionalMess, your kind words mean a lot. My best friend said the same thing, she said that it really is him that has lost out and not me. I think that's what it is - the shock and disbelief that how could he actually let me go! And she also said if she had been through what I have with him she would have gone crazy too so that is really reassuring to know, that it wasn't all my doing and there is a reason I reacted that way. I think it got to a point where I have been holding it in for so long that I just exploded, there is only so much coldness you can take from a person, especially when you are such a compassionate person yourself. I will read that link you posted, thanks! I need to work on myself and ways to get my confidence and self-esteem back and i need to stop being so so hard on myself and taking all the blame, i am notorious for doing that! I just hate the thought of him being with another girl!! Ewwwww makes me feel sick! I am actually torturing myself, why!!? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 Also, the comment I made that haunts me the most and actually makes me feel so upset and shocked that I could do this to myself is i told him 'I hate myself' How I could say this I really don't know, I was drunk but still its no excuse. I think I meant that I hated myself because I couldn't make him love me and he wanted to leave. But seriously does that make me a psycho for saying that? Link to post Share on other sites
emotionalMess Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Read this . He is one step ahead of you.. You are in stage 1. You have to leave him in a cloud of dust. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/481730-what-dumper-thinking-feeling-after-break-up Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 OP, I had fights like this with one of my exes. And she'd text like you did, several times in fact. We got back together though after that. Ultimately we broke up later over something else. It's just a matter of how much the persons in the RS want it to work, and you can somehow overcome these fights, but that's in no way a guarantee that the RS will work out in the long run. Don't beat yourself up over it, it's normal to be very emotional if you're convinced you've found the love of your life. It's all water under the bridge. You feel like you humiliated yourself in front of him and maybe you did, but a) it doesn't really matter wrt to him, and he knows how much you've meant to him, so understands. And b) other people don't know that, it's not tattooed on your forehead, so just chalk it up to learning about RS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 Thanks Umirano! It's good to hear from someone who has been on the other side! can I just ask though, did it not alter your view of her as this amazing loving person to just an absolute nutter? When I sent him all these messages and went hysterical he replied saying it wasn't normal to text 100s of messages and that the things i was saying were just crazy and to get a hold of myself. So does that not mean he thinks I'm crazy and unstable? Even though I assure you i am not! i was just in shock and devatsated, but I dont think he will see it like that. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 I think you just need to let him go. For good. Not to get him to calm down, or to forget how psycho you were, but for good. Let him go. He wanted to break up with you 8 months ago and you basically manipulated him into staying with you. Is this the kind of relationship you want? One in which you have to beg and plead someone to stay with you, when they really don't want to? You're PROJECTING what you think the relationship is like, onto him. He doesn't have the same idealistic views and the same feelings you do. He has wanted out for a very long time. You want someone who's going to be equally passionate about you. Someone who can't live without you. Someone who's going to act like you're the best thing that's ever happened to them. He stayed with you out of guilt. Out of pity. Because he felt sorry for you. You lost all value 8 months ago. The only thing you can do now is go away. It's horrible that the last images he has of you are desperate, pathetic, clingy, needy, etc etc. FEEL these emotions. FEEL the shame. FEEL the embarrassment. Know how this feels so you know NEVER to behave like this with someone again. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Well, it isn't normal. But what is. I did other crazy things bc of how much I was in love, it just happens. Mature people will see it for what it is. For me that was easy to forgive. Even the insults. Her behavior before and after made it clear she didn't mean it, it was the stress talking. No, I do not see her as a nutter, and I know she loved me more than anybody else except for her mother and siblings. Now, of course it's in no way a healthy way of communicating about a problem. So, in the long run, in order to be able to overcome problems in the RS, communication needs to mature and become less emotional. Because it's hard to come to a compromise while throwing the worst insults and hurtful comments at each other. I have no idea what he thinks, but from your original post I have the impression that he's pretty firm and certain about what he wants. And usually that takes a calm and sense of control that would contrast with him thinking you're a nutter at the core. I mean, he knows you as a normal person too. He probably feels you're going through a tough time, maybe you can shed some light on that. Here's why I don't think your ex sees you as a crazy person. He keeps his cool and stays firm. So do I, I politely refuse to talk, but she knows I'd consider taking her back once she's in a better place. And I think that's how your guy sees it. From what you told me, and if he's as mature as he sounds in your description, I don't think he completely rules out the possibility of getting back together with you. BUT you have to maintain NC and work on yourself and maybe he on himself. From what I believe to have learned is, that those bad fights in RS come from insecurities, possibly on both sides. Anxiety on not living up to the partner's expectations grow unchecked aggression and resentment towards the partner. Do you envy your ex for something? Did he envy you for something? What makes you think he will not see you for the loving, caring person you are? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 Wow that was like a knife through the heart KatZee! Maybe thats a good thing though! I dont think he stayed with me out of pity though I would have to disagree with you there becasue he introduced me to his family etc a few months after that so i do believe he was happy, up until the last 2 months and we were under a huge amount of stress with uni. Anyway point is you are right about letting him go and why would I want to be with someone that doesnt love me back and is willing to let me go. I think you made another valid point about how his views and feelings about relationship were different to mine and I cant change that. No matter how crazy I acted i think in time he will remember me as the person he fell in love with and not my crazy reaction at the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Wow that was like a knife through the heart KatZee! Maybe thats a good thing though! I dont think he stayed with me out of pity though I would have to disagree with you there becasue he introduced me to his family etc a few months after that so i do believe he was happy, up until the last 2 months and we were under a huge amount of stress with uni. Anyway point is you are right about letting him go and why would I want to be with someone that doesnt love me back and is willing to let me go. I think you made another valid point about how his views and feelings about relationship were different to mine and I cant change that. No matter how crazy I acted i think in time he will remember me as the person he fell in love with and not my crazy reaction at the end. I had an ex going total psycho on me once. I'd wake up to my phone blowing up with nasty messages. If we had any chance for a reconciliation, he blew it with the way he acted. You seem to explode under stress - your exams, the break up. I believe it when you say you had palpitations and a hard time breathing. I don't think you made it up at all. These are the manifestation of stress and high anxiety. I don't see you as a bad person for acting the way you did. It's just a lack of tools of how to handle your anxiety properly. Personally I would work on that. How to communicate better with someone you love, may it be your boyfriend or your family. Resolve your anxiety issues. I read your post and you said "I was in love so it happens" and I agree that love makes us want to do crazy things sometimes. However, I'd get help and learn how NOT to act on those thoughts and impulses. I am a stranger and I don't see you as a mean spirited person. I don't think he will either. I don't know if you guys will get back together, but unless you really work on yourself, through books and psychotherapy (if you can afford it), I don't see how a third shot at it would work. If anything, bettering yourself will make you a better person for the next relationship that will come around. Don't make the same mistakes twice. It would be heartbreaking to see you trapped in the same problems again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 Hi Umirano thanks for your reply. It sounds to me though like you are a very forgiving person, a bit like myself, but he isn't. It will take him a long time to forgive me, he will view it as selfish and unstable which it was but I don't think he will be able to move past it for a very long time. Its good that u saw that it wasn't her and she was just heartbroken and stressed, I wish he could also see it like that! Especially seeing as I was with him for 2 years! But I guess I have to accept the fact that he did try and break up with me 8 months ago too so it shows that he wanted out. He is scared of commitment and me being his first serious gf that he actually loved i think freaked him out. I always tried to explain to him about how normal it is to have disagreements and arguments and for girls to get annoyed over their boyfriends but not to get so angry or freaked out by it and want to run away every chance he got. That just shows he wasn't and isn't ready to commit. He doesn't have the emotional capacity to deal with me, whenever I've got upset or emotional in the past he would freak out. I think what went wrong was how the arguments were dealt with, they would get so heated and spiral out of control because he is hot headed and has a temper. I would obviously annoy him if he thought I was being critical or telling him off for something. And something that could be sorted out and forgotten about after would take him so so long to get past. He always holds on to things, things that if I had the same fight with my sister or brother about they would forget about 5 mins later. He wouldn't. I thought I was like family to him but I wasn't, I was the enemy! Yeah I have been going through a tough time with uni and family etc so it wasn't just the break up I reacted to, but I guess it wasn't fair that I took all the other stuff out on him when I went crazy. I don't think he will ever want to get back together, trust me because this is the second time he wanted to break up and all he kept saying was that he has made his mind up and that he doesn't want it anymore, that I have to accept it. He just kept persisting saying it wasn't space he wants now its just to be left alone and that he will leave me alone. Ouch!!!! Its definitely over from his point of view and I think he knew that a month ago so he has had time to process it! Where as I have to start from scratch! Yuck! Maybe he actually did envy me a bit for being able to be so warm and for not holding grudges, i think deep down he knows what a nice person I am and he was still attracted to me etc up until my crazy behaviour which is obviously the most unattractive thing ever so he won't be anymore!!!!!! I think I envy him a bit for how popular he is and how many friends he has because I know that will also help him get over me fast! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 Hi Elle, thanks for your message. So did you not put it down to he was just devastated and having a hard time dealing with accepting it? Did it change your perception of him? Or in time did you remember him as the person he was when you were together? You are definitely right I need to learn how to deal with anxiety and not letting it get to that point. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Hi Elle, thanks for your message. So did you not put it down to he was just devastated and having a hard time dealing with accepting it? Did it change your perception of him? Or in time did you remember him as the person he was when you were together? You are definitely right I need to learn how to deal with anxiety and not letting it get to that point. Thank you Well, he was a grown man. It made it hard for me to see it as something he could fix. I know he can work on his issues, I just didn't make it my quest to help him with that. Throughout the relationship he had controlling and anger issues, my phone blowing up was just the cherry on the cake. We all have stress in our lives, but we also all handle it in different manners. Life can pretty much thrown anything at me, I don't really budge. I do stress when it comes to the matters of the heart (and moving to a new apartment.. that's just a nasty one right there!). I just answer differently from you. I am older too. I try and work on myself. I need someone in my life who is able to talk and communicate, not throw tamper tantrums and spitefulness. I know that, and my point is, try and find someone who will be beneficiary to your personality type. And since you will work on your anxiety, you will be the right woman for him too. Breath and relax. Accept you did wrong, and forgive yourself. If he can't, of well.. Not like he's going to be the judge of who you are for the rest of your life. A loving heart is a great quality. Just acquire the tools to be a great new you. Anxiety never really goes away, it's the way we handle it that makes a difference. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 I'm just finding it so hard to accept that he's happier without me. Its killing me inside to know that he would rather have me out of his life. I just don't understand why he saw our relationship the way he did and why he wanted out so bad. I'l never get why he was so unhappy, all I can think about is the good times and the fun we had. Its so hard to accept, what if i never understand or accept it? I can't stop thinking about him and looking at his pictures on facebook, going on his profile. I am dreading the day he takes his relationship status off, I think I will have a panic attack! Guys how do I let him go??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 I wish I was more like you Elle, calm and collected! The thing is though 90 percent of time I am so normal and sane and he was the one with the temper who would blow up over something silly! He is stubborn so in his mind he will keep on convincing himself its thh right thing especially now after the way I behaved, all that did was reinforce his decision. It sucks so much I am really trying to accept and let go but he was the love of my life its really affected me so deeply, dont know how to move past this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 I can't stop thinking about him and looking at his pictures on facebook, going on his profile. First step is to stop looking at his pictures and profile. Get off FB. You will never heal if you stalk him. Get together with friends and enjoy your summer because he will. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary Oak Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Heartbroken... accept that you made mistakes, forgive yourself and move on. It really doesn't matter what he does or does not think at this point. You are not together. I understand you wanting him to think the best of you, and with time, he may. But, right now, this is in the forefront of his mind. The best thing you can do is not contact him and let the water cool. I did the same things...except I did not say hateful things, but I would beg, plead, promise, ask questions etc. Then I would apologize for doing all those things.... then I would start the cycle again. It is a disappointing way to live life. My ex understood. We were together for over seven years, so she understood I was acting out of fear and heartache. But, she evidentually had to tell me to stop.... it wasn't fair to her... So be fair to yourself and him. Just stop. Forgive yourself. and stop. You don't want to go through a cycle of acting out then apologizing over and over. It really does hurt your self esteem. My ex was extremely forgiving, but she never came back. You may or may not get back together, but YOU have NO control over that. All you can control is YOU now. Back away and see what happens. I know I wish I did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_84 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 Hi Mary, thanks for your message. I know what I have to do, I know you are right it just feel so raw just now. I just wanted to ask your personal opinion though, do you think it is something that a guy could get past after a while and want to get back together? Maybe 6 months down the line? I know I acted crazy but it wasnt like it was for weeks or months, maybe the damage is done though. I know I have no control over him and what happens I am just SERIOUSLY going through the denial stage right now All I keep thinking about is why, and the fact that he is okay with the thought of me being with someone else eventually. Why doesn't that bother him I sound so pathetic! I can;t snap out of it! Link to post Share on other sites
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