First Relationship. Very Painful Breakup.

[EmbeddedCortex]

Going to keep this as short as possible, but wanted to provide all the details.

 

She was my first, I was her fourth. She was the dumper in all previous cases.

 

She was 20, I was 25 when we met. Fell crazy in love with each other, talked about marriage, kids, careers, all that jazz for 2 years. She wasn't perfect, but my love for her grew and grew as time went by, and I was committed in my investment in her. But she would always say I made her feel like she wasn't good enough. =/

 

Problems started emerging early on due to a mismatch in our outlook in life. She was focused on instant gratification, I was focused on long term planning for us. I was in grad school, she was working full-time since 18. So I would tell her to wait 2 years or so (aka NOW) and I can do everything with her!

 

Slowly she started showing a lot of random anger and emotionally abusive behavior towards me. Her behavior pattern started within the first few months looking back. This grew in frequency and got really bad in the second year. Basically, she would always try to push my buttons to make me upset and mad, would break up with me over every little thing 1 million times, then we'd make up and she'd say she loves me and don't want to lose me, etc. Yet she also made herself more unavailable and distant.

 

She would say her main problem was that I wasn't "independent" enough. Yeah our cultures didn't match, and one of my main issues was that I was living with my parents rent-free and I had to obey some of their rules. So she would call me a pushover for not doing everything she wanted me to.

 

Anyway.....she broke up with me mid May during my Finals...for the last time. She said she didn't love me anymore. I really opened up to her and begged her to give me another chance to address all her concerns and issues. I was crazy in love with her. She agreed reluctantly, but kept changing her mind back and forth literally every day, driving me crazy!

 

Eventually she told me she wants to breakup. She said that my presence always made her super angry no matter what. She said she was so much happier without me, going out, meeting new people. She told me she wished she had broken up with me 1.5 years ago .

 

These words really hurt because I always tried to make her happy and meet her needs, and be a loving caring boyfriend, but she would do nothing in return and was always critical of how inadequate I was.

 

Anyway, I kept doing the begging and pleading, and mass texting, and phone calls, and all that bad NOOB stuff. This would only make her angrier and angrier.

 

Eventually we had a discussion and I agreed to give her space, and she agreed to basically not sleep with anyone, until we sort out our issues. We text a little over the next 2 days, then nothing for one day. Then I call her up and ask her what's up and if she wants to meet, she SNAPS says I'm too clingy and I need to give her space. Eventually she admits sleeping with someone else the night before...

 

I flip out, go over to her place, tell her how she could do this 2 days after our talk? I yell, I cry, then beg her to give me a chance. She says things to make me feel bad, like how the new guy's dick was bigger, how he has his own place and she slept over, etc.... I was crushed. Betrayed. Miserable.

 

She tells me to leave, and tells me to give her 2 months...until the end of summer to MAYBE try again.

 

That was 1 month ago. NC since that day. I made myself worthless and needy and she kicked me hard when I was down.

 

Anyway, one week ago, she sent me one text saying "I hope you are doing well." I didn't respond, but it messed me up....and I'm still obsessing over her everyday.

 

What to do? I'm miserable still.

Edited July 19, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[Downtown]

Slowly she started showing a lot of random anger and emotionally abusive behavior towards me.

Cortex, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (attacking you), lack of impulse control, inability to do self soothing, and temper tantrums -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I caution, however, that BPD is considered to be a "spectrum disorder," which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD traits -- albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits such traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level. Not having met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you can learn to spot any BPD red flags that occur by learning what behaviors to look for.

Her behavior pattern started within the first few months looking back. This grew in frequency and got really bad in the second year.

If your exGF were a narcissist or sociopath, she would have treated you great during the first several months because she was doing the old "bait and switch" -- i.e., getting you hooked so she could later manipulate and use you. Yet, if she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), that would not be true. BPDers genuinely do fall in love with other people (albeit in a very immature way).

 

BPDers behave so wonderfully during the first months not due to manipulation but, rather, due to their infatuation over you. That infatuation convinces a BPDer that you are the near-perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. Yet, as soon as the infatuation evaporates (about 3 to 6 months into the relationship), a BPDer's two great fears will return and her anger will start showing itself.

Basically, she would always try to push my buttons to make me upset and mad, would break up with me over every little thing 1 million times, then we'd make up and she'd say she loves me .

That frequent breakup/makeup cycle you describe is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer relationship. A recent survey by BPDfamily found that 73% of such relationships go through 3 or more full breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. Almost a fourth of them go through 10 or more B/M cycles before ending.

 

The reason is that a BPDer typically has two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Sadly, these two fears lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you back away from one of her fears, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering the other. Hence, as you draw close to her to reassure her that you never will abandon her, you will start triggering her great fear of engulfment -- i.e., a suffocating feeling that she is being dominated and taken over by your strong personality. To get breathing room, the BPDer will then create an argument -- over nothing at all -- to push you away. Then, as soon as her abandonment fear kicks in, she will try hard to suck you back into the relationship. In this way, BPDer relationships are characterized by a recurrent cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

She kept changing her mind back and forth literally every day, driving me crazy!

If you were in a BPDer relationship for a year, "crazy" is exactly how you should have been feeling. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

Eventually she told me she wants to breakup. She said that my presence always made her super angry no matter what.

If she really is a BPDer, she is speaking the truth. Your mere presence in the room will trigger one of her two fears (abandonment or engulfment), causing a sudden release of the enormous anger she's been carrying inside since early childhood. This means that all your efforts to calm and sooth a BPDer will be counter-productive.

What to do? I'm miserable still.

I suggest you read about the typical BPD red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If they do, I would suggest you also read my more detailed explanation of those warning signs in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. I suspect you are going to realize that you dodged a bullet. Take care, Cortex.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

This girl doesn't sound borderline, she sounds like she's 20. OP, I'm sorry things didn't work, but you know that she cares for you and wants you to be happy. Focus on healing and being your best self in the future. And get excited for all the crazy things life still has in store for you!

[Hoosfoos]

She is making you an option while you are making her a priority. Dont get caught up in that trap. Its not fair to you.

[EmbeddedCortex]

She called and texted me today to check on me. Saying sorry, blah blah. Sigh. I called back. She basically said she's going through some crazy ****. That she met that guy on Tinder, and they had sex the first night they met after talking for hours on the phone the first few days. She said he's nice to her, cooks for her, calls her beautiful, etc. I said I can do all that and more.

 

She said he's 25 and has a 2 year old kid. She said he's crazy in love with her basically wants to marry her and she's not feeling it as much yet. But she said she's content and "happy" and that their families have already met and get along great. I told her she's rebounding, etc.

 

I told her look, I still love you, I wish I had you back, but it sounds like you're in a crazy place in your life. She said she's going to get a mental evaluation and that maybe down the line she might want to come back. She said she still loves me, and that I'm amazing in everything including sex, but that we're in two different places in life. She wants someone to take care of her, I want someone to return emotional affection.

 

I told her I can't be her friend, but my door is open to her for a romantic relationship, if she decides to come back, but I'm not going to wait for her.

 

We ended things amiably because of how we had ended things last time we fought.

 

Maybe I shouldn't have answered. I guess I friendzoned myself? Sounds like they might get married. lol

 

I guess she might be BDP. She is no longer the girl I used to know.

 

I'm sad, but I guess I just got with the wrong girl. She's not even who she was before.

 

I only called back because I was so tired of thinking about everything and wondering what might happen.

 

It's crazy to think how close I was to this girl, how much I thought we were alike, and now, 2 years later, she's completely different person.

Edited July 20, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[Downtown]

Cortex, thanks for returning to give us an update. I wish you the best.

[imkeysersoze]

...

 

The reason is that a BPDer typically has two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Sadly, these two fears lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you back away from one of her fears, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering the other. Hence, as you draw close to her to reassure her that you never will abandon her, you will start triggering her great fear of engulfment -- i.e., a suffocating feeling that she is being dominated and taken over by your strong personality. To get breathing room, the BPDer will then create an argument -- over nothing at all -- to push you away. Then, as soon as her abandonment fear kicks in, she will try hard to suck you back into the relationship. In this way, BPDer relationships are characterized by a recurrent cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

 

...

 

Holy crap, you just explained my entire last relationship. It started great, but she wasn't totally over an ex that mentally abused her. It just hit 4 months in, and the two biggest issues have been her fear that I would one day stop being the caring guy she's known I am since day 1, and secondly, that she has had trouble truly moving forward and not feeling suffocated. She just left me to try to make things work with her ex. And it's eerie as hell reading your whole post because it describes her to a T. Thanks man.

[dudemeister]

So let me get this straight.

 

She said that my presence always made her super angry no matter what. She said she was so much happier without me, going out, meeting new people. She told me she wished she had broken up with me 1.5 years ago. She says things to make me feel bad, like how the new guy's dick was bigger, how he has his own place and she slept over, etc. She tells me to leave, and tells me to give her 2 months.

 

After all the nasty things she said and done, your "door is open to her for a romantic relationship"? Why in the world are you obsessing over this girl? Don't ever take sh*t like this from any woman. If you do they will walk all over you.

 

First breakups are tough, I know, but believe me they are necessary for personal growth. Use this opportunity to work on bettering yourself. Look back at the relationship and learn from your mistakes (like not begging and pleading and mass texting).

 

You are now her backup plan in case her fling dies. When it does, and believe me, it will, she will come crawling back to you. When she does, you tell her to f*ck off.

[EmbeddedCortex]

So let me get this straight.

 

 

 

After all the nasty things she said and done, your "door is open to her for a romantic relationship"? Why in the world are you obsessing over this girl? Don't ever take sh*t like this from any woman. If you do they will walk all over you.

 

First breakups are tough, I know, but believe me they are necessary for personal growth. Use this opportunity to work on bettering yourself. Look back at the relationship and learn from your mistakes (like not begging and pleading and mass texting).

 

You are now her backup plan in case her fling dies. When it does, and believe me, it will, she will come crawling back to you. When she does, you tell her to f*ck off.

 

Yeah....I know. I ****ed up again. I'm weak. She always, ALWAYS plays the victim card, even throughout the relationship, and I always fall for it and feel sorry for her. She says she wanted to apologize for the whole "his dick is bigger incident" and that she is emotionally vulnerable right now, that she's getting a mental evaluation, and misses me like crazy, and all that jazz, and I said then why are you in rebound relationship and not just back with me....sigh....I'm so weak.

 

She basically told me she met the guy on Tinder, slept with him the first night, and now she sleeps at his place and he sleeps at her place (same bed that I would lay with her) on a regular basis. Families have met, and she loves his kid, etc.

 

Wouldn't be surprised if she got married.

 

Anyway, you are right. I honestly hope she sticks with the guy and does NOT come back, because seriously, I need to sort my **** and find a better woman, not someone who emotionally manipulates and abuses me, even now. All her relationships, including me, have been rebounds anyways.

Edited July 20, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[EmbeddedCortex]

I feel miserable today, just cried on my way to work....How could she immediately jump into a relationship with a new guy? Then call me and say she misses me? Why did she do this to me?

[Downtown]

How could she immediately jump into a relationship with a new guy? Then call me and say she misses me? Why did she do this to me?

Cortex, that is exactly how a woman with strong BPD traits can be expected to behave. BPDers do "splitting," wherein they split off conflicting feelings -- putting them out of reach of their conscious mind. In this way, a woman who loves you is capable of putting those feelings out of reach so that her conscious mind can only be in touch with her feelings of anger toward you. BPDers do this because they cannot tolerate strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, or other grey areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

A BPDer avoids these grey areas by frequently doing black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all white" (i.e., with me) or "all black" (i.e., against me) -- and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other, in just a few seconds, based solely on a minor comment or infraction. Moreover, because BPDers have little ability to control their own emotions, they tend to fall in and out of "love" very quickly.

She always, ALWAYS plays the victim card, even throughout the relationship,

"Always playing the victim card" is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer (i.e., a person with strong traits). It occurs because a BPDer's emotional development stopped at age four, before she had a chance to integrate the good and bad aspects of her personality. Because she has a weak, fragmented sense of who she really is, the closest thing she has to a self image is the false notion of always being "The Victim." This is why BPDers maintain a death grip on that false self image and will frequently seek "validation" of their victim status by blaming their partners for every misfortune and mistake. And this is why they generally refuse to take responsibility for the consequences of their own actions.

 

Another reason it is so important to a BPDer to be perceived as "The Victim" is that she is filled with self loathing and shame. Hence, the last thing a BPDer wants to find is one more item to add to the long list of things she hates about herself. Her subconscious mind therefore will protect her from seeing too much of reality by projecting all painful feelings and thoughts onto you. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will be convinced that YOU are the real source of the problems. A week later -- when she is claiming the exact opposite -- she will be convinced that nonsense is true too.

 

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the BPD symptoms, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means that everyone exhibits these traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits these symptoms at a strong and persistent level. Not having ever met her, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe you are capable of spotting any red flags that occur if you take a little time to learn the warning signs. If you are interested, I describe these signs in greater detail in Rebel's Thread.

Edited July 22, 2014 by Downtown

[EmbeddedCortex]

You really think she's BPD? She would always say she thinks she's bipolar or something and even mentioned how she's going to get evaluated eventually, and how she goes from one extreme to the other. I always felt like she used that as an excuse for not changing her own selfish behavior in a relationship.

 

Why tell me she misses me so much and loves me, but doesn't want to get back together and has moved on to someone new? She said she's very emotionally vulnerable right now, to which I asked then why jump into a new relationship to band-aid it? Why not let me help you instead after being with you for 2 years? I told her how much I was suffering because of the breakup the past 5 weeks, and she only said she feels horrible about making me feel that way, and it really sounded fake.

 

Like how she contacted me only to get closure for herself and get rid of her guilt by apologizing to me for how she treated me. Then she proceeded to point out all the stuff she was doing with the new guy or the new guy was doing for her within this one month, that I wasn't able to do during the 2 years. It really hurts how she's saying that a guy she met on Tinder a few weeks after breaking up with me, is better than me, who put in 2 years of love and devotion to her, always trying my best.

 

1) She never met my family because she was always fighting with me and I said she needed to calm down so I can feel secure in the relationship. She's already met the new guy's family.

 

2) She always said I was socially awkward with her family. I was always very respectful, but yeah, I wasn't the joking talkative type. She said new guy gets along great with her family.

 

3) She said new guy has his own place or something, and cooks for her. I don't have my own place and I couldn't cook for her.

 

4) She said new guy says she's so beautiful. I would do this all the time myself.

 

5) She said she sleeps over at the new guy's place and he sleeps over at her place. This is something we could never do due to various logistical and cultural reasons.

 

6) She said she really adores the guy's 2 year old kid.

 

Regardless, I was always loving, comforting, supportive, etc towards her and her life, but she was always critical of me because I couldn't exactly provide her the stuff mentioned above, and so she would always fight with me, even though she said she loved me.

 

I would always tell her if she let's me finish grad school (few months from now) I could do all that, but NOPE. She blamed her unhappiness on me, and said she is now at least "content".

 

It's like she only loves how people make her feel and what they do for her; she doesn't love the people themselves....? I loved her and cared for her and didn't dump her even though she was so abusive and critical of me and didn't really put any work into making me happy.

Edited July 22, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[Downtown]

You really think she's BPD?

No, Cortex, I don't know that. Only a professional can make a diagnosis to determine whether her BPD traits are so severe and persistent as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria.

 

This does not mean, however, that you cannot spot the warning signs for BPD. Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You also could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD.

 

Likewise, you could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur if you take a little time to learn what warning signs to look for.

She would always say she thinks she's bipolar or something and even mentioned how she's going to get evaluated eventually, and how she goes from one extreme to the other.

If your exGF does have strong BPD traits, this does NOT rule out her also having bipolar disorder. About a third of female BPDers also have co-occurring bipolar-1. Significantly, however, you are not describing the typical red flags for bipolar. Instead, you are describing those that are characteristic of BPD. If you are interested in this distinction, I describe how the typical symptoms of bipolar disorder (e.g., my foster son) differ from those of BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.

I always felt like she used that as an excuse for not changing her own selfish behavior in a relationship.

Perhaps she did. You are correct, however, that neither of those disorders would excuse her abusive and selfish behavior. There is a huge difference between understanding her bad behavior and excusing it. With both of those disorders, it is important to avoid being an enabler of the childish behavior. Instead, it is in the partner's best interest to hold her fully accountable for her own bad choices. Otherwise, she will have no incentive to confront her issue and learn how to manage it.

It's like she only loves how people make her feel and what they do for her; she doesn't love the people themselves....?

If that is true, you are describing narcissistic or sociopathic behavior. Full-blown narcissists and sociopaths are incapable of loving others. As to the BPDers, this is not true -- i.e., they oftentimes will seem to be incapable of loving even though they are (in an immature way). Because BPDers frequently rely on "splitting" to avoid having to tolerate strong mixed feelings, they can split off their loving feelings -- putting them out of reach of their conscious minds.

 

At such times, it may appear that the BPDer never really loved you to begin with. Then, a few weeks or months later, the BPDer may get back in touch with her loving feelings and start perceiving of you as the near-perfect man (because she is now splitting off her negative feelings toward you). As I noted earlier, this behavior is called "black-white thinking."

[EmbeddedCortex]

If that is true, you are describing narcissistic or sociopathic behavior. Full-blown narcissists and sociopaths are incapable of loving others. As to the BPDers, this is not true -- i.e., they oftentimes will seem to be incapable of loving even though they are (in an immature way). Because BPDers frequently rely on "splitting" to avoid having to tolerate strong mixed feelings, they can split off their loving feelings -- putting them out of reach of their conscious minds.

 

At such times, it may appear that the BPDer never really loved you to begin with. Then, a few weeks or months later, the BPDer may get back in touch with her loving feelings and start perceiving of you as the near-perfect man (because she is now splitting off her negative feelings toward you). As I noted earlier, this behavior is called "black-white thinking."

 

Well, she literally left me because I could not do all the stuff she wanted to make her happy, as I listed above. And the way she described how the new guy DOES do these things, rather than focusing on me as an individual or him as an individual, it makes me feel like she only cares about what her mate DOES for her. Not who they are.

 

For example, in my case, I actually loved and cared for her, and forgave a lot of her behaviors and did not necessarily dump her because she didn't do what I wanted. She never really put any effort in response to the feedback I gave her in our relationship. I would take her feedback and act on it, but to her, it was never good enough, or too little too late.

 

On her side, she would always complain of things that I would do or COULDN'T do, and would judge me based on that, and dumped me based on that.

 

If you LOVE somebody, shouldn't it be with all their imperfections included? Shouldn't you be able to work with them through tough times? Shouldn't you focus on making them happy? Shouldn't you try to understand their situation in life? Shouldn't you appreciate and value their efforts?

 

I would do all these things, but she would not.

 

For her it seemed like black and white - if you do these specific things (above post), I can be in a relationship with you, else, I can't wait for you to finish graduate school, I want those things right now!

[Downtown]

Well, she literally left me because I could not do all the stuff she wanted to make her happy.

That is the reason that BPDers usually walk out on a LTR. As the years go by, they become increasingly resentful that the partner is not making them unhappy -- an impossible task. Trying to make a BPDer happy is as futile as trying to fill the Grand Canyon using a squirt gun.

She described how the new guy DOES do these things.

Of course he does. If she is a BPDer, her infatuation over the new guy holds her two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at bay. As soon as the infatuation starts evaporating, however, those fears return big time and he will start triggering them. That is when the unhappiness returns.

Rather than focusing on me as an individual or him as an individual, it makes me feel like she only cares about what her mate DOES for her. Not who they are.

If she is a BPDer, she is capable of loving -- in the immature way that a four year old is able to love. With young children, it's always "what have you done for me lately?" They will love Daddy when he brings out the toys but will hate Daddy when he takes one of them away. Like these young children, BPDers can flip rapidly between their feelings of love and hate. They do so because their egos are too fractured and fragile to tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings. They are only comfortable when experiencing one strong feeling and thus will put the conflicting feelings out of reach of their conscious mind.

For example, in my case, I actually loved and cared for her, and forgave a lot of her behaviors and did not necessarily dump her because she didn't do what I wanted.

True but you wouldn't have been able to do that if your emotional development were frozen at the level of a four year old.

If you LOVE somebody, shouldn't it be with all their imperfections included? Shouldn't you be able to work with them through tough times? Shouldn't you focus on making them happy? Shouldn't you try to understand their situation in life? Shouldn't you appreciate and value their efforts?

If she is a BPDer, she is too unstable to be able to do those things consistently. Like a young child, a BPDer is able to love in a very immature way that falls far short of the mature love required to sustain adult relationships.

[EmbeddedCortex]

I met this girl on okc when she was 20 and I was 25. My first girlfriend and serious relationship. Dated for 2 years.

 

Honeymoon period was amazing, but long story short, she got pretty selfish very fast, and only cared about her own needs, and would put me down all the time for not doing "enough", not going everywhere with her, not complimenting her enough, etc. She would use that to justify not responding to any of my feedback regarding her behavior and actions.

 

I had a lot of restrictions because I was in graduate school and lived with parents. But I always felt like I was getting a lot emotional abuse from her despite my strong efforts and none from her end.

 

She would always say she loved me, but never showed it, only basically emotionally abused me and provided sex after the first 6 months. She was very good at playing the victim card, and so I have always fallen for it.

 

I was in love with her and cared for her, always bought her victim card, and tried to make her happy, while she did the opposite for me, by putting me down for not being enough.

 

She started trying to breakup with me in the second year, basically over every little thing. This got more frequent until she ended things officially this May, because she wasn't happy.. I still caved and begged and pleaded for her for another chance, even though I was the one being abused.

 

She said ok, but kept changing her mind, getting more and more angry and abusive. Until I found out mid June that she had slept with someone the night before. I got angry and sad, confronted her...she laughed at me, told me his dick was bigger, etc... but I STILL begged her to give us a chance. She told me to giver her until the end of summer.

 

Went NC for about 5 weeks. In week 3 she contacted me saying "I hope you are doing well." I didn't respond. This past weekend she called, I didn't answer, so she sent a long text saying she loved me, missed me, and was sorry for how she treated me, and that she wasn't sure if she was just contact me to maker herself feel better or what.

 

I caved and called her back, despite EVERYONE telling me not to...I thought maybe we could get back together. She told me she wanted to see if I was ok and she was sorry for treating me badly. Conversation continued and she said she thought about me everyday recently and missed me a lot.

 

She also said that the guy she slept with 5 weeks ago....she had met on Tinder and had talked to for only 2 days. However, over the past 5 weeks, they were basically in a relationship now. He's 25, works at some Army base, and has a 1 or 2 year old child. That HURT. After 2 years, she went shopping one night on Tinder and replaced me overnight.

 

She said how he calls her beautiful, cooks for her, is very nice, sleeps with her at night both at his place and her place, gets a long great with her family and her with his family, and how he's totally in love with her and basically wants to marry her, and how she adores his kid, and how he goes everywhere with her, etc. Basically how much better he is than me in that department.

 

I ...the doormat... pleaded again that I loved her and want us to get back together, that she is in a rebound relationship and she's making a huge mistake! That my door will always be open to her for a retry, but I won't wait for her or be her friend. I told her I've been dating, but stopped, because I didn't want to rebound and hurt myself or others.

 

Of course, she played the victim card again, said she was content right now, although she wasn't as into the guy as he was in her, and even in sex she had a hard time "getting off"....and that I was amazing and great and that she misses me, but she's emotionally vulnerable right now, and her life is very stressful, but the combination of this guy, smoking, some drugs, etc. makes her content.

 

I wished her well, said I will always love her, maybe someday we can get back together, and she said the same and that was that.

 

Long story short, I'm a huge ****ing doormat, and have always made myself an option, even though I have potential for someone waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than her in every department. I wish I at least hadn't made myself such a "backup" option, so that she can go do whatever with guy knowing she has me as a backup.

 

It was my first relationship, but don't be like me, such a doormat. I had so much self respect and worth before, and now I have nothing in her eyes.

 

All I can do now is to move on and forget and learn to control my actions in the face of emotions.

Edited July 22, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex

[SoThatHappened]

All I can do now is to move on and forget and learn to control my actions in the face of emotions.

 

Work on and fix the things you know need fixing.

 

Do NOT contact this girl (yes, she's a girl, not a woman) in any way.

 

Improve your physical looks.

 

Do NOT contact this girl.

 

You were a doormat, but she is a C U Next Tuesday... You are way better off. It's not easy to see a bright side when you're heart-broken, but look at the FREEDOM you have now!

 

You're free to do whatever you want with whomever you want. You'll be 35 with kids one day, looking back at this time in your life, wishing you could have that freedom again.

 

The world is your oyster, my friend

[Chi townD]

Dude, really? How's it feel to be back at square one? You see the benefit of listening to people on here?

 

 

Now, are you ready to start listening to folks and getting advice on how to start making positive changes to your life? On how to get revenge on your Ex?

[longjohn]

If I where you I'd dump her, those that cheat typically do it for a reason. It sounds like she was unhappy and wanted out. However cheating is never a valid out but I know some in the past.. both male and female that believe it's ok to kill off a relationship for good by cheating, it's not. Think about it like this if she replaced you once you'll get replaced again. Do you really want to have to relive this over and over again. Or think about the other guy when your with her? You just have to be a man with a backbone and suck it up move on and leave the girl in the past. I'd highly suggest removing her from your life and finding a woman that's more compatible with you. There's plenty of good women out there and without a doubt there's one out there that's better than the one you had.

[EmbeddedCortex]

She didn't technically cheat on me. She broke up with middle of May, I asked for us to try again, she said ok, but then ended things some 3 weeks later after a lot of flip flopping which really drove me insane. She basically didn't even let me really try.

 

I guess she decided to 'seal the deal' by shopping for a guy on Tinder and sleeping with him after deciding he was nice enough. At the time I confronted her, she acted like it was a one-night-stand type of deal, which is not her style, she jumps from one relationship to the next, and that's what she did here, just in a crazier fashion than in the past.

 

I got tempted to contact her because I thought she had sorted her **** out, she always acted like she had issues and was a victim of various problems, and I always fell for it, and I thought maybe she wanted to get back together.

 

I regret acting like a doormat with the last call, but I also got the information I needed at least, because she was lying a lot near the end.

 

 

I have absolutely zero plans on ever contacting her. There is nothing more to be said or heard.

Edited July 22, 2014 by EmbeddedCortex