DG13 Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I have (had?) been dating my boyfriend for 4.5 years (both 28 years old) heading in what I thought was a good direction. We just got back from a music festival a month or so ago, went to several of our friends weddings this summer and talked about what we liked/didn't, and had been (I thought) doing really well. We had been talking about buying concert tickets for a month from now and making plans for the future (i.e. moving in, wedding maybe?) less than two weeks ago. We had one small argument over 4th of July weekend over an old flame who makes me feel a little insecure when we all hang out. Not attractive I know, but I figured being honest was better than hiding my feelings? I had a rough week and vented to him quite a bit how only being able to see him on the weekends was bugging me and with him going on work travel for 3 weeks straight it was going to be tough. He commiserated with me and said it was weighing on him too, but that we'd be okay and he loved me. Then he had very minimal contact with me on Thursday and Friday, no contact with me on Saturday, and told me "we need to talk" on Sunday morning. We met up for coffee and he told me that he needs a break because things haven't been the same and he's not sure how he feels about me anymore. I asked if this was a break up, and he said no, but that he doesn't know if "this is what he wants." He also said this was either going to be the best thing for us or he was making "the biggest mistake of his life" and started crying. I suggested talking again when he gets back from travel at the end of August. He gave me back his key to my apartment and took our relationship status off FB that night (not single, just not up there at all). We haven't talked in 8 days (no texts, FB, nothing). And I'm doing okay with it and working on me, but I don't know how to go from here. Do we have NO contact at all until the end of August? Do I let him know that I'm open to talking when he's ready? Do I look at it as a break-up and move on? I just got so blind-sided that I'm not sure what to think at this point.. Any advice would be wonderful.. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 There is no such thing as a break. He wants to see how things are without you. Don't sit around on the hook waiting for someone who wasn't committed enough to work on the issues. Clever way he put it trying to make it out like a good thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 But then what happens in a month when we wants to talk? Do I just ignore him? Do I talk to him? Not sure if I'd want to get back together, but it's hard to say when I don't even know if we're 'apart'. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Well that's your call. I'd ask him to detail what he's been up to though. Did he go off and do some soul searching or some *hole* searching? Well too often when someone asks for a "break" it's because they want to go off and bang someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 He also said this was either going to be the best thing for us or he was making "the biggest mistake of his life" and started crying. This alone indicates a new woman on the picture who he wants to try and see how it goes. I hope you are not the woman who will wait until her bf has a fling and comes back to her without the truth and without explanation. Ask from him honesty and demand a final decision: is he committed to you or not? Ask him to commit to you or let you go. Only then will you have your honest answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 I guess I just want to know how things went bad so quickly.. Is it worth it to meet up with him at the end of the month to ask, or just let it/him go and try to forget.. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 I guess I just want to know how things went bad so quickly.. Is it worth it to meet up with him at the end of the month to ask, or just let it/him go and try to forget.. It depends on you and your character, how would you think you'd feel better? Knowing the ugly truths but get closure or stay without knowing and try to feel better? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 Ugh - I don't even know at this point. I guess part of me just wants to know if the month before-hand where everything was fine was the lie, or the "I've been feeling this way for a few weeks now" was a lie and he asked for this on a whim. I've seen it go both ways where people get back together after a break and end up happy (my sister just got married in Nov. to a guy she went on a break with for 3 months after 5 years); or just the opposite and it never comes back and both move on. I'm doing my best to work on myself and figure out what I want, but I almost feel like it would be easier if he had just dumped me rather than this "we need a break" crap. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Every situation is different. In my opinion couples who really love each other and don't want to break up but rather do their best to solve their issues never take "breaks" cause they want to stay in the battlefield actively and fight rather than leave it, they want to do their best so their other half feels good primarily. I don't trust people who run away from problems. But this is your call to make. Just take into account what I use to say about these situations: People who leave without a (proper) explanation are the ones who want to be able to come back without a (proper) explanation. Decide what is best for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyLady13 Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 DG, please get your self-respect together, get on the phone, tell him you've decided a break was never what you wanted, it's over and be done with him. Don't sit waiting and wondering if you're good enough for him to come back to! After 4.5 years you're attached to him but you said yourself you hardly see him so find somebody who has plenty of time for you who wouldn't do something like this. I agree that if someone takes a "break", they are not investing in the relationship. You deserve so much better treatment than this. I had an ex years ago who pulled this stunt, then came crawling back because he found out the grass was NOT greener on the other side and looking back on it, I took the indecisive little !@%* back thinking he learned his lesson but he didn't. I broke it off permanently and made the decision for him that he just couldn't seem to bring himself to on his own. This guy most likely is going to try to come back to you when he makes his own discovery that the grass isn't greener but please have the self-respect to show him where the door is! You hardly see him so you're in a better position than most after 4.5 years to get over him, find someone much better who knows what they want and what they're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DG13 Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 So here's my update: Went NC. He called me at the beginning of August before his trip to tell me he got into a minor motorcycle accident.. I said "glad you're ok, thanks for telling me" and ended the conversation. Then 2 weeks later he posts "our song" on his FB. Didn't try to get in touch with me, just that. No response from me. End of August rolls around, find out he's back and hasn't contacted me, so I guess I got my answer. Done with him. I have to be. Link to post Share on other sites
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