frankvega Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Hi I know most people here are going to say that NC is for moving on and for healing and getting over ex. But I also know that NC can also be used as a way of getting back together with your ex. Any suggestions or success stories would be greatly appreciated. Also my case: been together 9 years BU for 11 months and have 2 kids together under the age of 2. More info about me here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/487048-i-want-get-back-ex-wife-11-month-breakup-9-year-relationship Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Hi I know most people here are going to say that NC is for moving on and for healing and getting over ex. But I also know that NC can also be used as a way of getting back together with your ex. Any suggestions or success stories would be greatly appreciated. Also my case: been together 9 years BU for 11 months and have 2 kids together under the age of 2. More info about me here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/487048-i-want-get-back-ex-wife-11-month-breakup-9-year-relationship NC is for moving on and for healing and getting over your ex. Yup, you nailed it. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 (edited) Hi I know most people here are going to say that NC is for moving on and for healing and getting over ex. But I also know that NC can also be used as a way of getting back together with your ex. Any suggestions or success stories would be greatly appreciated. Also my case: been together 9 years BU for 11 months and have 2 kids together under the age of 2. More info about me here: https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/487048-i-want-get-back-ex-wife-11-month-breakup-9-year-relationship No success story but what you're talking about is the notion that if you ignore an ex, they will miss you and come running...then usually go running back in the other direction (opposite of you) once they realize despite their insecurities they still don't want to be with y In your case, you aren't going to be able to manipulate your ex through NC. I read your thread and she's already moved on with someone else. Not contacting her isn't going to make her panic, worry, or become doubtful. How did you manage to start a successful business out of necessity after she left, but couldn't do it while you were together? Not trying to kick you when you're down but she might be asking herself why you waited this long to do something about the financial situation. Edited July 30, 2014 by hoping2heal 1 Link to post Share on other sites
David87 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Using NC to get your ex back is manipulation in a way and I can assure you it wont work. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 No Contact' and 'get an ex back' is an oxymoron and the two phrases cannot be used in the same sentence, together. I trust that covers your query? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankvega Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 No success story but what you're talking about is the notion that if you ignore an ex, they will miss you and come running...then usually go running back in the other direction (opposite of you) once they realize despite their insecurities they still don't want to be with y In your case, you aren't going to be able to manipulate your ex through NC. I read your thread and she's already moved on with someone else. Not contacting her isn't going to make her panic, worry, or become doubtful. How did you manage to start a successful business out of necessity after she left, but couldn't do it while you were together? Not trying to kick you when you're down but she might be asking herself why you waited this long to do something about the financial situation. Thanks for your answer, You see thats why I am here and what I dont understand. She text me every single day saying that she misses me and sends me links to songs thru whatsapp saying how much they remind her of me. She asks me to meet up 3-4 times a week so I can see the kids with her (which they are babies so I have to be with her alone and the kids 3-4 hours every time I see them.) She is constantly complementing me how much weight I have lost and how different I look with the new clothes and haircut that I got. And she recently started calling instead of texting which this is a first in 11 months that we been separated. Also our mutual friends tell me that she is constantly calling them and asking if I have someone new(which pisses me off because she has a boyfriend) That is what I dont get??? When I moved on in my last relationship with my ex wife 11 years ago she wouldn't even cross my mind I was totally indifferent. I would not have called her or text her links to songs every single day especially if I had someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 It's very possible (and likely) she cares about you as a person and is concerned about who her children will be exposed to if you are seeing someone new. She might also not really want to see you with someone new yet, even though she doesn't want to date you and is moving on. Which case, her issue to get past. You two have children and 11 years together, just because you are separating doesn't mean she will just stop caring for you as a person. But, you made it clear you want her back and she wasn't interested. That really says it all. Also, you can't really go NC full and total with her because you have 2 children together. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 ... Also, you can't really go NC full and total with her because you have 2 children together. That's true. But, OP, your personal emotional involvement with your ex should be on a zero level. The only thing you should care about and be completely focused on when you go and see the children, is going to see the children. Nothing else should be up for discussion. The purpose of your visit, is them. Concentrate on that aspect. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 She text me every single day saying that she misses me So don't play crazy NC games... just ask her if she wants to try again. If she says yes then go for it. If she says no then you need to start ignoring these texts and other "mixed signals" and move on. Anything other than a straightforward yes or no, it means no. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Do you guys have a custody arrangement? I am asking because I am curious, and because you need a plan. Right now she's keeping you on a string, emotionally. I think that if you want any shot at all, you should start NC (limited contact in your case, since you guys have kids together). Make clear you aren't interested in being her sympathetic hear, that you want to get back together but won't wait around, and that her messages should only be about the kids. I would also add, tell her you're open about counseling in case she wants to give it another shot. Don't answer any of her messages, unless it's about the kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankvega Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Hi, we don't have an arraignment to see the kids, the oldest one is 2 and the other 1 years old. No one knows that we meet almost 4 times per week just to see the kids not even her parents. Also this just started recently when I paid my child support in full and when our mutual friends told her that I moved into my own place which is literally 4 blocks away from her house. And when she saw that I bought a new car (i did not have a car before, I was using hers) Like I said in my original post. The reason we broke up was purely because of financial reasons. I was literally homeless and could not support her and my kids when I could not pay rent we got evicted forcing her to move back in with the kids to her parents 1 bedroom apartment. we have been separated 11 months and It took me 8 months after breakup to get back on my feet, Sadly she started a new relationship 3 months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 So, you're hoping that if you don't talk to her, she will split up with her new boyfriend and come back to you? There may be some universe where this kind of thing happens, but in this one... not likely fella. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankvega Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 No what I am hoping for is for her to miss me and want to start a new relationship with me now that I can easily afford to take care of my family. The reason I think that she will never miss me is because she sees me almost everyday for 3-4 hours and because every time she calls me or text me I always answer or text back. That is why my OP is about. I want to have my family back and I am willing to go NC if that is going to help me get her and my family back. If not then I am open for other suggestions or advice on how to go about in recuperating my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 You literally, physically climb into her head, and you change her thinking from 'No' to 'Yes'. Other than that, the only person who can change her mind, is her. You could do everything within your power and then some - leap through hoops and climb the highest 'et cetera et cetera' - nothing will change her view, if she doesn't want to change it. Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 No what I am hoping for is for her to miss me and want to start a new relationship with me now that I can easily afford to take care of my family. I would have to ask, why didn't you work before? Was it that you couldn't find a job, or that she worked and you didn't want to? I am asking because if you just didn't step up as you should have before, it's going to be hard to repair the damage. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I want to have my family back and I am willing to go NC if that is going to help me get her and my family back. Well I want a million pounds, a Ferrari and a date with Megan Fox. I am willing to go NC with the entire human race if it would get me those things. I am sorry but things simply do not work that way. There is no way you can change her mind by pure force of your own will. It is a decision she has to make herself. She has obviously decided that she is better off with her new boyfriend than with you. Sorry but there is really nothing you can do here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankvega Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 I would have to ask, why didn't you work before? Was it that you couldn't find a job, or that she worked and you didn't want to? I am asking because if you just didn't step up as you should have before, it's going to be hard to repair the damage. I was in the mortgage industry when I first started going out with her. I made a lot off money while working for one of the biggest mortgage lender in the US. When the housing industry tanked in 2009 I started buying gold coins and billion with the savings I had. I didn't seek employment because I thought I could manage our finances with just my savings while something better came along. Slowly but surely my savings started to vanish and when our daughter was born that's when the problems really started. Oh btw ever since she moved in with me which was back in 2004 I managed to support her and myself because she did not work or go to school. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 So it wasn't all bad then. see, had it all been bad, and you'd been a lazy layabout, maybe we could give that as mitigation for her decision. But you were a decent bloke (and still are no doubt) and she STILL doesn't want you back. The brutal truth is that she's moved on. You can try to give a million reasons, justifications and pointers as to why you think she might have left/isn't coming back. The crux of the matter is - she doesn't want to. Please try to get that through your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankvega Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Gosh, you guys make it sound like I am crazy for wanting her and my kids back and that reconciliation would be impossible. Nevertheless there are countless threads and success stories which would state the contrary and that people (although rare) do get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 You are not crazy for wanting that! Of course you want that. Just like I want a million pounds, a Ferrari and a date with Megan Fox. Am I crazy for wanting that? No. Are they realistic expectations? No!!! In how many of those reconciliation stories that you read, does the woman have a new boyfriend? Can you link me just one example of a similar situation where it has worked out well? Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankvega Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 You are not crazy for wanting that! Of course you want that. Just like I want a million pounds, a Ferrari and a date with Megan Fox. Am I crazy for wanting that? No. Are they realistic expectations? No!!! In how many of those reconciliation stories that you read, does the woman have a new boyfriend? Can you link me just one example of a similar situation where it has worked out well? Sure, if you need more let me know https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418763-if-youve-been-broken-up-broken-hearted Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Sure, if you need more let me know https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418763-if-youve-been-broken-up-broken-hearted Did you read the first part of the first post? The part where it says you have to realize it's over, and if you have any doubts to re-read it before carrying on? This guy says he only got his 2nd chance after LETTING GO. Have you done that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankvega Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Did you read the first part of the first post? The part where it says you have to realize it's over, and if you have any doubts to re-read it before carrying on? This guy says he only got his 2nd chance after LETTING GO. Have you done that? You asked me to give you a link where they got back together were the girl has a new boyfriend. That is why I linked that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frankvega Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 I have read his post plus countless others. I started my own thread so that I can get advice on what would be the best approach on achieving a reconciliation. I am aware of how slim the chances are of getting back together after a break up and how it is much easier to just move on and find someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 No guarantee of 'better', Just 'different'. But if it's better it's because you have learnt from mistakes.....Less likely to repeat same, down the line.... Link to post Share on other sites
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