Engaged and left for another man

[Requiem4Dreams]

I know I'm probably not the first one to write about such a topic, or the first that it's ever been done to, however with that being said I could use advice and a forum to vent my numbness.

 

I've had a pretty sordid past in relationships. For the most part the women that I have attracted and had relationships with have been horrible. Although I suppose in hindsight when craigslist is the dating site of choice due to being free, you get what you pay for.

 

I had been single for about 2 years when my Ex came into my life, having had been through a terrible on/off again relationship with a woman who had narcissistic/borderline personality disorder. This new girl was everything that all previous relationships were not. She loved me exactly as I had dreamed of, and wanted for all my life. The warmth and love that seeped through her and radiated into me was like a dream.

 

During the course of our 11 months together I had been going to school. I have approximately one year left before I attain my degree, and as such due to work/school my schedule is very limited. In the beginning I was spending as much time as I could with her and her three kids. This would shorten due to her not having internet at home, and the need to study for exams. My work schedule also consisted of having thursdays and fridays off, but I worked all other days.

 

Due to this I was always telling her how horrible of a boyfriend that I felt that I was unable to fully be there for her, and was always consoled and told that she understood, that my school/studying took precedence, that the time I sacrificed now, would mean more time with them in the future. Unfortunately due to a car accident in 2009 I had a messed up back, with two surgeries and as a result suffered from severe back pain. I had been on painkillers for about 4 years, and due to the continued use of them would run out quicker each month which led to withdraws. These withdraws also kept me limited in my ability to spend time.

 

I love her kids as if they were my own, just as I love her deeply beyond the measure of the word. When I was there, I would spend time showing that affection. I treated her exactly as she treated me, basically like a goddess.

 

Our sex life didn't suffer, and I always put her above myself. Our frequency of intimacy however did suffer. At one point in our relationship we were going to move into an apartment together, when suddenly she flaked out and stated she was going to move back to P.A.

 

Her now ex husband brought her to Alaska, and she had been divorced approximately one month before we met. How long she had been separated I'm not sure, though I did not find out about her being divorced and dating me so quickly until we had been together for about 3 months.

 

Anyway, when she dropped the bombshell that she wanted to move, my world was nearly crushed. So I did what any man would do in my position. I dropped everything and decided I was going to move with her. The idea of 3 kids and herself alone traveling the alcan on a vehicle with 250,000 miles nearly stopped my heart. I planned everything out, we got our passports, I packed up, and I was going to drop my last year of college, but I was also going to be jobless, and we would be living with her parents until we could get on our feet.

 

This didn't happen though, as I soon realized just how important my college was, and how my credits for certain classes wouldn't transfer. I would basically have to go to college for another 2 years. She's also having to wait on court due to the ex husband having 50 percent decision making for major decisions. Her date to leave was June 7th, and as such it is now August. I also brought her mom from P.A up here on my dime to drive down with her since I wouldn't be going.

 

The new plan was that I would move down to P.A next year when I finally had a degree. So about a month ago I started getting some severely bad feelings in my gut. It was taking longer to get a hold of her on the phone, her texts were taking longer, and she was becoming distant. I had seen these red flags before, but I wasn't sure what they were.

 

A month ago about the time these feelings started she had just taken up Larping. There was a guy who became her "mentor" teaching her how to fight, and giving her equipment. Well about 2 weeks ago she was meant to stay the night at 8, but messaged me about 8:45 stating she would be late. 2 hours later she finally shows up, and I sit her down and ask her point blank if she is as happy now as she was when we first met, if she wanted to get married (we had been engaged for the past few months at this point) and that she can be completely honest with me.

 

She then tells me that she has never loved or trusted a man more than me, and couldn't imagine life without me by her side. All the while kissing me, and showing affection. I had hoped we would spend the next day together as she didn't need to pick up the girls till 5 in the afternoon, but her excuse at 8 am was that she wanted to get a breakfast and coffee and she left. Trying to reach her, hours go by and she finally calls and states she was having lunch with friends, and had just taken a smoke break but the phone call was short.

 

Monday I decide to go over and surprise visit. She gives me a quick hug, and whispers "I didn't think you'd ever meet him" and out walks a guy. He's 25, 10 years younger than me, built *I'm a fluffy guy* and military *I'm ex military*. My ex is 28 just for the record. Turns out she had picked him up, because he doesn't have a vehicle. About 30 minutes into our conversation he decides to leave and my ex takes him home (which is how I figured out she had picked him up). When she returns she's all over me, kissing, affectionate, etc. She then asks me the oddest question.."Do you mind if someone gives me footrubs." I of course am floored by this question, and it doesn't take long to figure out who she is referring to.

 

We talk for a while, and I head home. The next day she is completely cold and distant. I had enough at this point and tell her we need to talk. When I head over that evening to talk to her, I tell her I am not comfortable with men I don't know in her house, without knowing they were there to begin with, that I'm not okay with people giving her foot rubs. Her response was stating she was glad I had told her we needed to talk, and dropped more bombshells about how she's more active now, and I have a bad back, and am anti-social. I ask her what she's getting at, and I receive a "I'm confused, and don't know what to say" response. I ask if we were broken up, and she states "no, I didn't say that.

 

I talk to her till im hoarse, about what love means to me, and I screw up in my dialog by stating in her own admission that if love is forgiveness and working through problems does that mean she doesn't love me?

 

We hug it out for a bit, and I head home. The next morning I take a dozen roses to her work, and 7 of her favorite flowers, along with a anniversary card as it is next month.

 

She looks shocked, and brings me out to the hallway where she whispers that I amaze her, I lean in to kiss her and she moves her head so I kiss her cheek. I leave, and she sends a text that I took her breath away. Later on that evening I'm outside smoking when I look and see her walking down my street. She had parked up the road instead of near my driveway. She pops a note into my mailbox, looks up and see's me, stares for a moment, then hurries to her vehicle. I run over and she drives off like a bat out of hell in reverse, and uturns out of there. I read the letter "I thought long and hard on all that you said last night. I agree that if i'm wavering then I must not have loved you enough. We are done". As I finish it up, I see her vehicle drive past, and mr man is in her passenger seat.

 

My world is shattering and this pain is new to me. I've been broken up before, I've never been engaged, nor have I had a woman leave me for another guy. I guess I just need to know how this could happen. My flaws of not always being there didn't deserve this kind of ending. I gave her opportunities to be honest with me. Had I beat/raped her I would deserve this ending and worse, but this?

 

I could use some advice. Something. It completely blindsided me from her character that I fell in love with. She is completely foreign to me now, this strange creature...

[Moonborn]

Unfortunately people change. It seemed to me that so far you handled everything as well as it was humanly possible. It was good that you didn't give up on your studies for her. Never, *never* give up on things that are so important and so difficult to get back into later on for another person. I almost gave up on my soon to begin PhD studies for my ex's sake, fortunately she left me before it got to that point.

 

Only advice I could give you is to avoid craiglist for dating in the future. As I am sure you are aware by now there is a good chance of finding nutheads through that website.

 

And of course, stay no contact. This woman is emotionally unstable, at best. You deserve better.

[hoping2heal]

Sorry this has happened to you

 

What happened? She made choices that served her self to the detriment of her relationship with you. No one sees stuff like this coming. If they did, they wouldn't date that person, right? It seems you were trying to do everything you could to be able to have your own stuff together and support your impending family. She didn't appreciate you and just clung to a nearby comfort. It's one of those things where you don't know how someone will react until they are put in the situation. While it no doubt must feel like a kick to the gut, it's a blessing that you learned this about her now and not after you were married and had several more years invested.

[No Limit]

By all means stay away from that chick. Be glad she's gone.

[flight E]

No limits couldn't have said it better. Of course as a human being you are hurt, with nc and time it will fade away. This is gud riddance to bad rubbish. The said thing is she will most likely come back if you don't go after her, I only pray you will have the balls to tell her to **** off

[Requiem4Dreams]

First I'd like to take a moment to thank you all for the replies you have sent me. Letting go of someone that I love has always been a point of contention for me.

 

This experience is new ground, as I have never been engaged before. Being 35 I tend to think that perhaps I've lost at my chance at love, only because I realize I'm not getting any younger.

 

I've been strictly NC with my ex so far, save for 5 days after she left me. I asked if I could get back my things from her apartment. The plan is sometime next week, as she also has 900 dollars from me.

 

With that being said however I was short, concise, and to the point. I have not done any begging, pleading, or talking about our relationship. I think this is in part to how badly she burned the bridge, the shock of how she left me was too much and I've been quite numb from the experience.

 

I guess I'd like to know how long this will last, how do I kill the small sliver of hope in my heart that she will come back? I do not want her back, but the heart yearns for what it wants regardless of my mind telling it that the ending I received was not deserved in any capacity.

 

Are there any mental exercises I can do when I start thinking about her, or getting the hollow feeling in my chest? How do I stop trying to take all the guilt/blame for the relationship dissolving? How do I stop feeling like a monster *I state this in the sense that she must really hate me for my shortcomings to have left me as she did*

 

Thanks in advance for any advice, and thanks again for reading.

[hoping2heal]

First I'd like to take a moment to thank you all for the replies you have sent me. Letting go of someone that I love has always been a point of contention for me.

 

This experience is new ground, as I have never been engaged before. Being 35 I tend to think that perhaps I've lost at my chance at love, only because I realize I'm not getting any younger.

 

I've been strictly NC with my ex so far, save for 5 days after she left me. I asked if I could get back my things from her apartment. The plan is sometime next week, as she also has 900 dollars from me.

 

With that being said however I was short, concise, and to the point. I have not done any begging, pleading, or talking about our relationship. I think this is in part to how badly she burned the bridge, the shock of how she left me was too much and I've been quite numb from the experience.

 

I guess I'd like to know how long this will last, how do I kill the small sliver of hope in my heart that she will come back? I do not want her back, but the heart yearns for what it wants regardless of my mind telling it that the ending I received was not deserved in any capacity.

 

Are there any mental exercises I can do when I start thinking about her, or getting the hollow feeling in my chest? How do I stop trying to take all the guilt/blame for the relationship dissolving? How do I stop feeling like a monster *I state this in the sense that she must really hate me for my shortcomings to have left me as she did*

 

Thanks in advance for any advice, and thanks again for reading.

 

Yes, the heart wants what the heart wants even if that leads you into endless pain and suffering. So, whomever said we all needed to follow our hearts was full of **** .

 

So, for the good and bad news. The bad news is - guess what? Heartache sucks. It's painful and miserable and there is really no shortcuts through it than to just go through the grieving process. Which, is a bit of a rollercoaster might I say. Look up the 5 stages of grief and yes, you will cycle around them. It's all normal. The more you try to stop thinking about her, the more you're inevitably going to think of her because guess what? It's still all about her!

 

So, save yourself some energy. You're going to think about her, you're going to miss her, you're going to want her...even if she is selfish and untrustworthy. Even if she didn't appreciate you or honor her commitment to you...it's going to happen. You're going to think this woman is queen of the Nile and you *have* to have her because you'll never feel so much love and passion for another woman again...that's what heart is going to tell you and try to make you believe. As I said, heart is incredibly full of **** sometimes.

 

So, I said I had good news and indeed I do. Go through the loss, be kind to yourself by not engaging with her and keeping out of her life and business. You're going to start getting perspective and moving on. Keep doing the things you are doing to better yourself and your life, because you know what? What this woman couldn't appreciate, the woman you meet in the future is going to.

 

It sounds like you're used to slum relationships - quit doing that to yourself. You have things to offer, you don't have to go digging at the bottom of the barrel, okay? Work on you - it really does make you feel better. You start to realize all the opportunities you have (in relationships and otherwise) because you continue to "up your stock" so to speak. Use the time you're hurting to not worry about women and just worry about continuing to better yourself and when you're through the thick of it, you'll be ready to find love again if that's what you want to pursue.

 

You're 35, not 85 (and hell, I know some seniors who have found love and married again after spending 20-30 years with a spouse!). Don't put limits on yourself and don't try to stuff down the heartache or deny the feelings you will have - but also, don't listen to the feelings you will have because this chick is no good. Not just for what she's done - but because she can't be trusted to honor her commitments. She's the type that bails during the "bad times" in the "good times and bad". That's only going to bring you much worse heartache down the road. Find better quality women (Eventually, when you're ready) and quit slumming it.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Quit looking for women that you can rescue and find an equal and loving woman.

[No Limit]

I only pray you will have the balls to tell her to **** off

 

Tattoo this on your forehead if necessary so you can always re-read it when you walk past a mirror.

[Requiem4Dreams]

I will have no problem not allowing her back in my life if *which I highly doubt just based on her leaving me for another man, and now he's living with her* she were to try to come back.

 

Couple questions however. I did break NC 5 days after she ended it with me and asked if she was alright *as she had apparently lost her phone*, and her response was to request that we exchange keys back. I told her that I would like that but beyond the key I needed the things back from her apartment that were mine. Along with 900 dollars I had loaned her at one point for a down payment on an apartment we were going to get together but had not due to her wanting to leave state.

 

Was that an acceptable breach of NC? She had said that she would be busy last weekend and wouldn't be able to drop off my things, so it's supposedly going to happen this weekend but I've not heard a response from her. Besides that NC blip, it's been another 9 days of NC. Healing is alright, but the fact that I still have need of my things which makes talking to her inevitable is stomach churning.

 

Also what is an acceptable reaction for when I get my things back? Say nothing and make the exchange? I'm assuming I'm going to have to deal with the fact that I'm sure she'll bring her new man with her for moral support.

 

Also her Mom is on my Facebook, my intent was to drop kick her to the curb once I had my things back. I know that could be used as an outlet to see what's going on in my life and NC is meant as an information blackout.

[SoThatHappened]

Tattoo this on your forehead if necessary so you can always re-read it when you walk past a mirror.

It has to be backwards though

[SoThatHappened]

Some advice for getting things back:

 

- Ask a friend to bring her stuff to her, and have that same friend get your stuff.

 

- Do NOT go there yourself unless you know 100% that she will not be there.

 

I let my ex come get her stuff at my house while I was gone. It was a sheetload of stuff too.

 

She got mad that I threw some food away that she bought for the house. She told me how mad she was in a voicemail (because I blocked her @ss) as she was getting her stuff out of my house. If I would have been there, it would have been a mess. I would have probably done and said things I regret.

 

Now she just looks more like a toolbag for getting mad over a few bucks worth of food, when she was the one fooling around with someone else.

 

Don't be around her. Keep the contact professional and only about getting stuff back.

 

You can thank me later when you look back on this and realize it was the best thing to do

[Requiem4Dreams]

And if she doesn't get a hold of me this weekend to do the drop, and basically falls off the face of the planet?

 

I guess what I'm asking for is based on the way she left me, and with a new guy I don't know, this could turn into not dropping off my things in general as I've had to push contact just to get the gears rolling.

 

What are my options there?

[No Limit]

Bother her until you get it. Or you just set a day and time when you intend to come over, inform her of it and just drive by.

People like her never get anything done beyond pregnancy.

[barky2]

First and foremost , I want to apologize that you're going through this, although you're doing a great job handling yourself post break up.

 

Few thing that jumped off the screen at me.

 

First off, you played capt save a ho.

 

That's first.

 

Second when she didn't want to move, yet wanted to go live with her parents, she was ALREADY talking to this guy.

 

Y'all met on craigslist right?

 

I would almost guarantee they met there, prior to her moving.

 

Then they met up, "larped" and hit it off.

 

When you brought her in flowers, she wasn't surprised..well ya she was, because she's been telling her coworkers about this new guy.

 

It sucks to read, but I'm pretty sure I'm almost spot on with this one.

 

This girl did you a damn favor.

 

Get your key and money back, and leave her in the dust.

 

Head up man.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[Chi townD]

Wow! Dropped of a letter in your mailbox and ran when you saw her and even had the guts to bring her affair partner with her when she did that?!?! This chick is a coward!!! Just...wow!

 

 

It's okay to break NC to settle business affairs. But, they have to be about business and nothing else. These loose ends need to be tied up as quickly as possible. Then, a strict NC.

[Requiem4Dreams]

Thanks Chi,

I agree the way she ended it was so beyond screwed up for a guy she supposedly loves. I mean, does an engagement not have any value anymore? It boggles my mind the lack of respect she has for me.

[Requiem4Dreams]

She finally contacted me this morning on FB that she would be around at 1pm to drop off my things. I told her to tap on the neighbors window and they would come out (I decided I needed a third party, since I have no interested in reopening my wound). I'm a courier by trade, and I'm driving on the highway to head back home around that time, and I see her vehicle come off the overpass.

 

It takes everything within me not to look over, so I speed past, and merge into the lane. As I'm driving off I look into the side mirror and see that of course her new man is with her (He doesn't have a vehicle, and as far as I know based on a question she asked me the night we had our talk may actually have moved in with her).

 

I'm far ahead of her and decide that I'm going to pull into a shopping center to kill some time, and wait about 10 minutes before heading home. I decide not to turn on my street but instead take the next one, which is a good thing since she was in the turn lane heading back out from my apartment. Neighbors tell me that the guy stayed in the vehicle, but she had asked for her key back after handing them my things. They asked her for the 900.00 that is on the list, and she states "Well he's just going to have to wait for that" in a disgusted *ugh* type of tone. She grabs the list from them, and just leaves since neighbors wont give her the key back on my orders.

 

So I have most of my things back minus the 900, and several books that her mom took with her back to P.A. It comes to mind that this sort of leaves her an In with me, and I'm wondering what my next options are?

 

Knowing her I'm expecting she's just going to change her locks and block me on FB. I know taking her to small claims for 900 is probably going to be a hassle. Should I just let this go? I really could use that money right now. Hard times and all.

[Requiem4Dreams]

It's the nights that really get to me. School won't start till the end of the month, so at the moment it's just work, and the gym when I can get the motivation. I could use some support right now though. Some insight, words of wisdom, or emotional uplifting. I know based on the responses I received from this thread that the consensus is that she's not a good person, and I know that I didn't deserve the ending I received anymore than I deserved to be left for another in the first place.

 

I wan't so badly to send her a facebook message since that's apparently the only form of communication open to me now, conveniently losing her phone and all, but I know that's the wrong thing to do. I guess the thing that's eating me up and all right now, is the new guy, the guy that should be me, holding her tight, and whispering words of sweetness to solidify his grasp on her.

 

I realize that a guy that chases after an engaged girl gets automatic douche status, and a women that allows such a comprising action to occur is trash, but still the heart yearns and I sit here depressed wondering how strong I can be.

 

Anyway...I know I'm being an idiot for thinking these things, but damn do I miss the love that was once there.

[Requiem4Dreams]

That depression and desire didn't go away after a restless sleep and even more so now this crushing feeling in my heart wants to break NC.

 

Anyone?

[johnson_j]

That depression and desire didn't go away after a restless sleep and even more so now this crushing feeling in my heart wants to break NC.

 

Anyone?

 

 

 

Sorry to hear bro. Just get out - go do something, anything to minimize your thoughts of contacting her. Turn off your computer. Go for a walk. Do something to stay occupied until the urge passes. She isn't worth it. You've been kicked in the balls enough - don't prolong the agony.

[johnson_j]

Thanks Chi,

I agree the way she ended it was so beyond screwed up for a guy she supposedly loves. I mean, does an engagement not have any value anymore? It boggles my mind the lack of respect she has for me.

 

 

 

Engagement, like marriage, has become something that is "of convenience" and when it doesn't work for just a single party, that party walks away guilt free and says "Well I tried". It's really sad.

[HappyLove]

I think you could use some counseling. You seem to let women walk all over you and you ignore blazing red flags. Also the medication withdrawals can't be healthy.

 

You should have dropped her like a bad habit after she disclosed a month long divorce three months later. She is point blank not a good person. Also a terrible mother moving in random men to live with her three kids!

 

She most likely will come crawling back after the 25 year old kid gets another dummy to use. But the real problem here is why would you continue to want someone like this?

 

Keep working on yourself and hitting the gym. You have tons to offer and you WILL meet a great woman. It just baffles me how men chase after horrible women like this while hard working truly caring women stay single!

[Requiem4Dreams]

I wrote a letter to her letting everything out, and put it on my wall (not to send). I began writing in a journal each day, several weeks ago when this occurred. I also wrote a list of both short, and long term goals that I intend to each. One of those items on the list was to start counseling.

 

I made the first appointment today. I did this because I realize that I have some co-dependency issues, mainly because obviously I must be insane to miss someone who is so horrible.

 

It's just the nights that the feelings of loneliness and torture come mainly into play.

[SycamoreCircle]

Hey man, sorry for your pain. I went through something similar.

 

I think you're going after women far beneath you. Stop using CL. Start to work on your self-esteem a little bit. Do things that begin to build your self-confidence. Try to conquer small fears. For me, I spent some nights out in a State Park by myself, doing little survivalist type activities---it builds your sense of self-sufficiency. Go traveling independently to a foreign country. Experience just how different women are outside of the West! Practice extroversion---making friendly with strangers, reaching out in small ways to people in need, connecting with estranged family members. Eventually these courageous attempts can carry over to how you relate to women. You can actually smile and approach women on the street. Strike up a conversation! Sometimes just a pleasant conversation with a pretty girl is all I need to get through the day.

 

You deserve a better quality woman. Begin to look for qualities in people that are important to you. Begin to pick up on qualities that you find disfavor in---it can save you a lot of trouble and heartache.

 

Cut off all social media with that woman. Follow the NC guide posted in Loveshack. Write in to people here when you feel your strength wavering; read other people's struggles and consider how you would handle the situation. It can educate you, seriously. They don't teach this stuff in school.

 

Lastly know that there are people out there that will care about you.

 

I have complete faith in you!!!